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@THEBlackSheepGV • December 5th, 2013

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I got you a present with a bow on it...

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#BADTIMESMAN Tweet us your creepiest, most hilarious, most perverted, most raunchy (or all of the above) pick-up lines to @TheBlackSheepGV #BadTimesMan

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Word

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Crapsize Simply, falling asleep while taking a dump. “Billy crapsized in the first-floor bathroom after holing up in there for several hours following taco night.”

of the

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The Black Sheep

Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @TheBlackSheepGV and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!

A director that would repurpose an anthropomorphized rabbit book with pink flamingos instead.


madlib The clock strikes 3 a.m. and snaps you out of your daydream about your favorite movie, __1__. You realize you are not in fact __2__, rather, you are sitting in __3__ and you have been awake for 24 hours straight. Your __4__ begins to ache, so you __5__to try to alleviate the pain. As you stand up, you notice a gorgeous __6__, __7__ all alone in the corner. You approach the person and say, “Damn, do you __8__ with dat __9__?” The two of you walk to your room in __10__and immediately begin __11__. The act is so good, you call up __12__ and ask if your room has __13__ insurance. You both can no longer resist the allure of sleep. You drift off into a land free of worries and grades. You imagine yourself walking into the classroom and your professor is standing there next to your parents. The professor smiles, gives you an A just for showing up and tells you your student loans have been turned into French fries and now you can eat your way out of debt. You hug your parents and

The Night Before Your Final your dad hands you the keys to your keg hover board. It’s a beer keg that doubles as a hover board. The sound of the clock tower playing the__14__ wakes you up. You panic as you realize you are an hour late to your __15__ final. You make a quick stop at __16__ and grab a __17__. There’s no time to eat, so you throw the food at a picture of __18__ mascot, as you sprint to your class. You enter to an empty classroom. As a last ditch effort to salvage your collegiate career, you decide to visit professor __19__’s office. You walk into the professor’s office and see a man with your face on his body. You look in the mirror and discover Nicolas Cage’s face is on your body. The professor informs you; you will receive an A in his course and instructs you to never speak of this meeting. Your eyes meet Nicolas Cage’s eyes. He, who is you, says to you, who is him, “__20__.” That’s when you realize, Nicolas Cage has used the plot of the movie Face/Off in order to get a degree from GVSU. Damn you Nicolas Cage. Damn. You.

1) Nicolas Cage movie 2) Nicolas Cage character 3) GVSU building 4) Body part 5) Verb 6) Gender 7) Verb 8) Verb 9) Body part 10) GVSU dorm 11) Verb (-ing) 12) GVSU authority figure

13) Type of weather 14) TV show theme song 15) Name of a class 16) GVSU eatery 17) Food item 18) Name of a rival school 19) GVSU professor 20) Badass movie quote

By Casey Stoddard


The Successful Freshman: How to Look Like You Give a Damn Many students are fearful of how they’ll prepare for the fall semester final exams. However, if you’re a freshman, you should be enlightened as to the various styles of study that inhabit each dorm. The Black Sheep has taken the responsibility upon itself to educate the student body of the diverse advantages based on their specific residency area.

Now, if you’re in a suite-style building, such as Hoobler, Johnson, Ott, Weed (hehe), Stafford, Swanson, Kirkpatrick, Seidman, Pew, Pickard, or DeVos; then your personalized living closet comes stocked with 3 fellow geniuses. Provided your time won’t be bogged down with scrubbing the feces out of your single shared shower, you can group together your Call of Duty-stuffed minds for the sake of academic success. The best way to do this is to stay all in the same room, each person taking on a different responsibility. One student should resume his unhealthy FPS addiction so as to provide needed background noise. This will kill the silence that may pervade the mind, ensuring no questioning of one’s place in life is attained and all focus is directly scattered between the

Top

Ten

Gifts to give T. Haas By: Claire Fisher

If, like most people, you can’t figure out what to get your university president for the holidays, The Black Sheep has graciously provided you with ideas. Included are a few of those awkward presents T. Haas will pretend to be grateful for, and others he can share with the students of Grand Valley who adore him so much.

By: TJ Kimball

If you’re in Copeland, Kistler, or Robinson; one of the traditional housing units, then you’re already aware that your R.A. staff will be sealing you into your rooms for the week before finals. This is for your own protection. After all, these living centers were initially constructed as prison complexes. Due to this fact, the lost souls of all those who missed out on the rehabilitation they would’ve received currently linger about the halls of these buildings. Should you find yourself confronted with one of these spectres of missed opportunity, worry not. Once you’ve changed from your urine soaked trousers, invite the spirit into your room and ask them for study help. While the Laker student body is only dead on the inside, these physically deceased criminals have transcended into the realm beyond, and can extract knowledge of an extraordinary nature. As long as you’re not tempted to question the fabric of reality or the entropy of existence, you can attain spiritual guidance for what’s really important: cramming for your chemistry exam.

The

10.) Miley Cyrus CD: Just in case T. Haas missed that whole “Wrecking Ball” thing, you might want to get him one of these. This way he’ll never forget the year he took down the school’s art because it was defiled and put it back up two months later. 9.) Corn: If, like most students in Allendale, you’ve had your fill of corn, The Black Sheep has a solution. Give one of those “I don’t want this anymore so you can have it” gifts to T. Haas. He’s sure to appreciate the gesture. 8.) Blue hard hats: With copious amounts of construction sites, it’s a shame that all of those construction workers are wearing yellow. Let’s share the school spirit and hand out Grand Valley-colored hard hats to all the construction workers. 7.) A sidewalk flattener: This is the not-so-subtle-hint gift, like when your grandmother gives you deodorant or your uncle buys you a book about “lucrative” college majors. If you’d like to see those lake-sized puddles on the sidewalk gone, this is a great gift for T. Haas. variously distracting tasks taking place. The second student should huddle in the corner, sock in hand, producing the same awkward grunts he always does in the late evening when he believes everyone asleep or absent. The third student should attempt to study, constantly pulled away by the actions of his roommates, yet too afraid of the ever-present emptiness which surrounds us all to leave. Remaining in this utopia of wasted time and potential should ensure a whopping 15% retention rate for a week’s worth of study. The fourth student should copy off the third student, using his spare time leading to exams to purchase alcohol and bury his misery between the thighs of a cheerleader. For those in the apartment-style living centers, a congratulations is in order. Your need for isolation has given you the most effective means of frittering away your time. Provided you’ve got space to move and air to breathe in the 4’ by 4’ space that’s been allocated to you, there should be no problem gazing endlessly into the glow of notes typed into your computer screen. Be careful though. Having an actual kitchen, shower, and some semblance of personal space may lead you to believing yourself to be an actual human being. Should feelings of autonomy arise, simply knock on your roommate’s door and meet them for the first time. Compare yourself to them in every possible way, and manifest what might’ve been a friendship into a fullfledged competition over whose dishes are in the sink. Once you loathe each other, your ability to study should be solidified as you plan to tape your finals grades to the door of their room.

Finally, for anyone living in the Honors College, such as Frederik Meijer or Niemeyer, please excuse what is sure to be a patronizing reminder of what you already know. You are, after all, the elite of Grand Valley; the hegemons of intellectual progress which define the word ”success” for the average Laker. While the rest of the simpleminded swine are off pushing for a space at the trough, you will be ascending through the ranks to the idealized state of perfection which President T. Haas has arranged for you. Make full use of your bourgeois status, and know that studying is merely an option for those in states of prestige such as yours. Should you feel the need to casually glance over the recitations of your professors’ every word, simply lean on the fact that you’re the only person living on your floor. Without the distraction of social interactions or connection to anything beyond the university, you can dwell silently in your undeniable superiority, using your rightfully attained confidence as a means of self-affirmation and personal success. Clearly there is no reason for any Laker to score below 120% on their exams. With such impeccable facilities as those found in Allendale, there’s nothing holding one back from the top of the academic ladder. So breath deep, drink heavily, and know that, in a short 3 and ½ years, you’ll look back from your server position in a Grand Rapids restaurant with the comforting knowledge that cramming for finals was the only way anyone should spend the most prime years of their youth.

6.) Coupon for Campus Dining: If you want T. Haas to enjoy the pleasures of Campus Dining-- gaining 8 to 10 lbs., getting zits from the oil on the French fries, or having diarrhea for days after eating the “Chinese” food-- this is a great gift. This way, T. Haas can pay to have all of those things just like the student body, but at a discounted price! 5.) A new nickname: The Black Sheep, after consulting dozens of experts, has come to the conclusion that 12.8% more students would think T. Haas was cool if he changed his name to something more Grand Valley related. “T. Haas” really has nothing to do with the “L” alliteration the school is going for. Look at Louie the Laker and Louis, they understand. So for Christmas this year, give T. Haas the gift of popularity by assigning him a new name. 4.) A cane and dentures: If you’ve noticed, T. Haas is getting older, and it may be time for him to look into provisions for old age. Other acceptable gifts include diapers, an AARP The Magazine subscription, and an electric scooter. 3.) A Second Best Football Team trophy: Walking away with a great season, the Lakers and their fearless leader T. Haas deserve a trophy. A trophy for kicking ass in Division II. Grand Valley may be second place in the eyes of the nation, but it’ll always be number one in our hearts.

2.) Papa Smurf figurine: If you, like the a large percentage of the student body, look to T. Haas as fatherly figure for this happy campus, show your appreciation by buying T. Haas something Papa Smurf-related. It’ll really show him how you feel. 1.) T. Haas sculpture: The student body worships T. Haas and what better way to express this slightly unhealthy infatuation than erecting a statue in his honor. The Black Sheep suggests that you go big or go home. If you’re going to make a T. Haas sculpture, it should be the dimensions of the Cook Carillion Clock Tower and be built with the intention to replace it.

05


Around campus send us your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

on the Streets Would you rather eat a cup of pee-snow, or let it melt but have to drink it through a straw? Bethany

“I’m gonna have to say frozen snow, quick and easy, best way to do it.”

Miranda

“I’d rather eat a cup, pretend it’s a snow cone.”

Paul

When it’s melted can I warm it up? Is it my own yellow snow? I would eat it as snow.”

06


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The Black Sheep’s

Guide to Wrapping a Gift

Step 2: Determine Your Length: Ah, victory! Victory over, you Tom, do you hear us? Unravel some wrapping paper and place your gift on it to make sure you measure enough wrapping paper to wrap the whole thing. Otherwise you’re just being wasteful and…wait, now there’s more than enough—like, an inch too much, which is perfect, because now you have to cut the paper. Now it’s time to see what you’re made of, buds-o. The cut should be straight and uniform, just make sure you use a steady hand and, no! No! God, why did you stop to scratch your stomach? Now we’re going to have to start all over because it’s uneven, or, wait, it’s not that bad, just freaking finish this cut and remember to tuck this side under the straight edge, or do you not have the self-control to do even that?

Step 1: Collect Your Supplies: You have the present you bought for the person you want to manipulate care for and you remembered to pick up some wrapping paper at Staples, and what do ribbons or bows matter anyway, right? Good, great, you’re doing well here, you’re even holding those scissors away from your body. Now where’s the tape? You, yes you totally have it somewhere, remember that time you had to hang those—no, stop. Go check the drawer. No, not that one, the other one. It’s in there, isn’t it? It’s not? Well then—Tom. It had to be that asshole Tom. Great. Now you’re going to have to go back to the store and get some—Yes, you’re definitely going to have to pee in Tom’s orange juice—you’re going to have to get some more tape. Step 3: Determine Your Width: Unless you bought your loved one a twoby-four, that yard-tall roll of wrapping paper you just mangled is going to have to be hemmed a little for wrapping purposes. Measure the gift to determine an accurate cut point on the width sides and get to snippin’. Just—please, for the love of whatever deity it is your root for—do not make the same mistake again. Cut in a straight line, just be certain of yourself, man and don’t rip the—you ripped the goddamn paper, we just said not to do that. Ok, no, we’ll get through this. Just get a finished cut that works in theory. Yes, like string theory, but somehow more difficult for you to understand. We’re crying now, we hope you’re happy. Step 4: Tape the main lines: Remember that first big cut you finished? Now you’re going to tape each side together using one-inch pieces of tape at six-inch intervals. Oh yeah, that’s right, time to use that brandspankin’-new tape you nabbed in a jif, not that lost-under-his-bed roll that Tom—fucking Tom—so lazily lost like it was sticky dust in the wind. Now,

Your 24 / 7 Access Gym!

hold the wrapping seam together with one hand and use the other to tear off a piece of tape and—what do you mean this is harder than it sounds? No, ok, switch hands and try again. No, this way is definitely easier. Ugh, maybe work on your dexterity a little. You know, just let go of the wrapping and pull off like, six pieces of tape and put them somewhere, then use the tape. Jesus, you people. Step 5: Fold and Tape the Corners: You, uh, you haven’t been doing so hot at this, and now you expect to fold and tape at the same time? So you’re really going to do this? Fine. First, tear off four pieces of tape. Once those are easily accessible, pull each corner taught and fold it in half, diagonally. Then, fold in the sides. This isn’t brain surgery-level difficulty but—Christ, ok, just try it again, we’re so close. Deep breath…and fold. Wow, would you look at that. So great, once each of those have been done four times, you should fold and tape your trapezoidal flap to the gift. Goddammit, you forgot to prep the tape again, didn’t you? Fine, we’ll wait. Just…whistlin’ Dixie over here while this Cleatus-faced motherfu—Oh, hey, you’re back! Fold it and tape it…there! Voila! Does it look good? What? No? Well, then…

Step 6: Make Someone Else Do It: With your inability to do anything right, we’re sure you’ll hear it dozens of times this year: It’s the thought the counts. So, when you hand over that perfectly-wrapped gift to your family member or gift-level acquaintance, then you can say, “Hey, I tried wrapping this but I think my parents drove a railroad spike through my head as a child, so I totally butchered my attempt and I had to beg someone way more competent than I to do it for me,” or something to that effect. And beg them, you will.

N O W HIRIN W RITING | MARK

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Are You Smarter

than?

1) Christmas: Santa Claus is based off of Sinterklaas, a mythological person found in this group’s mythology.

6) Toys: 1998 saw a holiday craze for this toy, which could say things like, “Show me a dance” and “Tell me a joke.”

2) Hanukah: How many branches are there on a menorah?

7) History: On January 1, 1971, these items could no longer be advertised on TV in America.

3) Kwanzaa: In what year was Kwanzaa first celebrated? 4) New Year’s Eve: Since 2006, who has been tasked with presenting Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve? 5) The Rose Bowl: Each year, the Rose Bowl is played in what stadium?

Jenna, Senior drinking game

Mary Idema Pew Library Edition By Betsy Martin

8) Birthdays: This “Stan” background singer was born on Christmas Day, 1971. 9) Snow: The North American record for record snow depth was measured in this contiguous state. 10) Holiday Music: What wintry song thing is given life via silk hat?

Jenna’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) Netherlands 2) 12 3) 1688 4) Ryan Seacrest 5) Florida Stadium 6) Tickle Me Elmo 7) Sex Toys 8) Can I Pass? Jesus? 9) Arizona 10) Frosty the Snowman

1) Dutch 2) 9 3) 1969 4) Ryan Seacrest 5) The Rose Bowl 6) Furby 7) Cigarettes 8) Dido 9) California 10) Frosty the Snowman

Jenna’s Score: 2 out of 10

It’s finals week, lazy-bones, and there is nothing newfangled or novel about the study habits you’re about to witness if you brave the library in the coming days. Your peers are cracking down and cracking under the enormous pressure of raising that D to a comfortable C-. The Black Sheep is only happy to point you in the right direction of some much-needed stress release: alcohol. (And maybe dry sobs.) This highly efficient drinking game will enable you to forget that awful group project you suffered through, that paper you bombed, or quite possibly, where you live. You’ve made a new friend in the last week of the semester, and his name is Jose Cuervo. Or maybe you’re well-acquainted already. Proud of you. Yes, MIP may be this shiny new toy of Grand Valley’s campus and yeah it may have some state-of-the-art shit, but it’s also the name of the ticket one will get if caught playing this game underage. Note: Yoga pants and Ugg boots were explicitly not included as rules of this game. You’d be hammered before you even reached the second floor. Or the main floor. The Atrium? Is anyone else confused about the whole ground floor number system? This is why we’re driven to the bottle. Or cheap PBR shit. What You’ll Need: 1. Friends that procrastinate as hard as you.

2. Alcohol strategically hidden in a Camelback. Strength of said alcohol is up to you. Are we going hard this afternoon? Take it like a man and drink it straight. Level of Intoxication: You’ve declared a philosophy major. Sartre really speaks to you. How to Play: Take a conspicuous swig any time you see one of the following: - Anyone sleeping. Either a casual napper or change-of-address sleeper. They legit brought their bedspread. - A mile-long line at Argo Tea. - Someone on the verge of a mental breakdown. Open to interpretation but telling signs are frazzled hair, free-flowing caffeine, and Post-Its stuck to her head. - Someone kicking, cursing at, or crying over a stalled printer. - The stoner who obviously has never been to the library. He’s confused as to how he even ended up here. He thought this was Manitou. - Heated arguments in the Knowledge Market. The saints over at the Writing Center can only help one person at a time. - Anyone using Facebook as a distraction. Two sips for girls pinning Phi Sig or Gamma Phi swag on Pinterest. Three for online Christmas shopping. - The broken spirit staring idly out of the wall of windows of the computer areas. - A much-deserved Netflix break. Two drinks for Scandal. Three for Law & Order: SVU.

- Crying of any kind. In the stacks, stairwells, those weird cubicle desks that no one wants to sit in. Two healthy swigs for any of these train wrecks: - Someone burning books in that longass fireplace and contemplating joining a free spirit commune. - Someone taking 10 minutes to print his or her entire thesis. - The manic suffering from PTSD after his physics exam, muttering and laughing softly. Creepy as shit. - That super senior who’s questioning the advantages of a sixth year over Lego therapy. - Praying and/or pleading to the Big Man Upstairs. T.Haas is just a man, not a miracle worker. - A rumble in the Reading Rooms. From the closed doors you spot your peers reenacting The Hunger Games just for whispering too loudly. Rumor has it you’re not allowed to breathe in there. - A knife fight over whiteboards. Three generous gulps – oh, just finish the damn booze bottle if you witness this meltdown: - A jumper. He or she is attempting to heave a chair through the 3rd floor window and end it all over impressionist art. People are yelling “Go back to Calder, freak.” Damn hipsters. Study hard, Lakers. Drink harder.


read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

Hanukkah Seek and Find


guess the movie santa!

each box features a different santa claus from various holiday movies. do you know which movie each santa comes from?


FINALS BINGO!

let us guess... you’re sitting in the library and can’t focus, right? well don’t scroll through facebook for the 10th time, play our library bingo! stay where you are, or take a loop around your floor, and see how many of these things you can find.


quiz

What Late Night Eatery Are You? 1) On a typical Friday night, where can you be found? A) Crying myself to sleep because I’m homesick and lonely (but also horny). B) Studying for two exams and writing a paper, all for Monday morning. C) Watching the latest movie via Torrent. Yay for Pirate Bay! D) Probably going to a few parties, hoping to get a wasted. It’s been a rough week, man. Don’t judge. 2) What are your thoughts on the Wrecking Ball? A) I still find it gross that someone’s balls have touched the Pendulum. B) I was going to ride it, but I was too drunk. C) I’m actually distraught that I didn’t get to ride it. D) Yeah, I rode it. Yeah, I was naked. Yeah, I’m cool, thanks for noticing. 3) Which flavor of ice cream is your favorite? A) Ice cream? Please, gelato is way better. B) Superman. Although, I would argue that if there was a Batman flavor it would kick Superman’s ass. C) Dude, I don’t care. Whatever mixes best with booze. D) My mom says I eat my feelings, so it doesn’t matter as long as it makes me feel temporarily better.

4) What new movie release of you most excited for? A) Um… Anchorman 2? I could get high for that, right? B) Disney’s Frozen. Princess movies always make me feel better. C) Hunger Games) Catching Fire. They better get it right this time. D) THE HOBBIT! THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG! 5) What card game fits your personality best? A) Does “Magic the Gathering” count? B) I won 150 bucks playing poker once. Did I mention I was drunk too? C) I know how to play euchre, but I need 3 more people in order to play… D) My roommate taught me how to play this bizarre Korean game. It’s pretty neat. 6) What is your major? A) I’m undecided right now but I’m thinking psychology. That’s cool, right? B) Major? I’ll be lucky if I graduate on time! C) I study creative writing. I won a poetry contest once. D) BMS. I want to cut people up! The human body is super-neat!

7) What does your breakfast consist of? A) Coffee. Black. B) I usually oversleep and have to skip breakfast. C) When I want a true “American breakfast” I’ll go to Fresh. D) Um… cereal. I like Cinnamon Toast Crunch. 8) Have you ever failed a class? A) NO WAY! That would be so embarrassing! B) I haven’t yet, and I sure hope not! C) Maybe… D) Sure. Tons. It’s not that big of a deal.

answer key

8-14 Points: Kleiner: You are the typical freshman, e.g. lanyard around neck, living in freshman land. The good news is you’re too worried about your personal life to realize the world is a place of crippling student debt. The bad news is that the world is a place of crippling student debt. Enjoy your crappy campus food now before you no longer have the means of paying for it. 15-20 POINTS: Papa John’s: You live in “Nerd-meyer” don’t you? It’s because your whole persona resonates nerd. Comic books, academic integrity, and Doctor Who take up the majority of your existence. It’s a good thing Papa John’s delivers because it looks like you’re going be playing Dungeons & Dragons well into the night. 21-26 Points: The Connection: Between the slightly pompous attitude and talk of anything European, you must be an international student. Well, here in ‘Merica we don’t really give two shits about soccer (or dare we say futball). Enjoy your late-night “biscuits” with tea from The Connection, it will go down well with your socialized medicine.

1) A(1) B(2) C(3) D(4) 2) A(2) B(4) C(1) D(3) 3) A(3) B(2) C(4) D(1) 4) A(4) B(1) C(2) D(3) 5) A(2) B(4) C(1) D(3) 6) A(1) B(4) C(3) D(2) 7) A(4) B(1) C(3) D(2) 8) A(2) B(1) C(3) D(2)

27-32 Points: The Lobby Shop: While technically this is not a “late-night eatery,” after Kleiner and The Connection this is the only other place open past nine on our dismal campus. But you already know this because you’re an off-campus student just trying to catch the bus back to someplace interesting like 48 West. Who cares if you have a drinking problem? Carry on, soldier.

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Grand Valley - Issue 6 - 12/5/2013