The Black Sheep
F el REE se ... th lik at e a co bs me ol s w ute ith ly gr not ad hin ua g tin g.
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 7 • 5/2/13 - 5/15/13
Leaked Graduation Program Features Carrot Top, Baja Men Chris Gray wrote this The Black Sheep recently received an email from an unidentified source inside the University of Delaware administration containing a revised program for the 2013 commencement ceremony. The program was to be kept under wraps until the ceremony on the 25th because it hopes to inject new life into Delaware’s graduations, which are normally characterized as "absurdly hot" and "really boring." Contrary to a previous press release, which announced the commencement speaker for the 2013 graduation to be Dr. Paul Farmer, a physician and anthropologist, the leaked program billed Carrot Top, a comedian and performer, as the speaker. Carrot Top is to be accompanied by a live musical act, The Baja Men, as well as a brief appearance by President Harker, who apparently will be performing a magic trick. University correspondent Justin Heanue sat down with Adam Carey, a planner for the 2013 graduation to discuss the changes. “We were just so tired of Delaware graduations being so scholarly and lame. I mean, yuck! So we decided to spice things up and really bring Delaware’s 2013 graduation into the twenty-first century with the latest celebrities and entertainment. We tried to get Jeff Dunham as the keynote but Yale already booked him.” In response to a question about the previously billed speaker, Adam told us: “Well we booked that first guy and then were like, ‘Laaaaaame! Who wants to hear about anthropology and stuff?’ So we told him to fuck off and called Jeff Dunham. Unfortunately Yale beat us to the punch, so we thought the logical next step was Carrot Top. The Baja Men are Delaware alums so they were happy to stop by. We figured they’d have a pretty appropriate message for all of you young kids out there trying to make it in the real world.” Carrot Top, of course, is an aging comedian known for his prop comedy and alleged steroid use. His face resembles a melted pepperoni pizza. Nobody knows who the Baja Men are, except they wrote a hit song in the nineties called “Who Let the Dogs Out?” This song has little topical relevance unless, of course, you consider that maybe the students are the dogs and they have been let out into the real world by graduating. The whole metaphor feels sort of forced. The news received mixed reviews from outgoing Delaware seniors. Class valedictorian Erin McCrosson said, “This is surely a travesty, graduation is a ceremony that celebrates the pursuit of excellence
Cinco de Drinko Test your knowledge of the holiday celebrated across campuses worldwide because… who knows?
and the value of the learned mind. I am mortified that my parents will have to abide such a trite and tasteless display.” John from phys ed. class told us, “Yo, I think Carrot Top is hilarious.” Kat, an education major said, “I think it’s pretty cool President Harker is making an appearance. I have no idea who he is really.” The leaked program is as follows: 9:00 a.m.: Commencement commences. Graduating seniors ushered into the stadium to live performance of “Who Let the Dogs Out?” by special guest Baja Men. 9:15 a.m.: President Harker warms up the crowd with a magic trick. 9:30 a.m.: Introductory comments include an “open mic” in which deans from each college exhibit their various talents. 10:00 a.m.: Special guest Baja Men wakes up the audience with a
Coming to Terms with your 2008 Facebook Self Some advice for those of you who are two thousand and late.
performance of “Who Let the Dogs Out?” 10:15 a.m.: President Harker performs a card trick. 10:30 a.m.: Commencement address by performer and celebrity “Carrot Top.” Acts may include “Oops I spilled water on my diploma,” “Look at this silly hat,” and “Look at how many pushups I can do.” 11:30 a.m.: End commencement address. Air YoUDee roams the crowd in search of a mate as retiring professors are given the opportunity to talk about their favorite things. 11:45 a.m.: President Harker performs hypnosis on under-performing graduates. 12:15 p.m.: Farewell address by the Tupac Hologram. 12:30 p.m.: Procession to the tune of “Who Let the Dogs Out?” by Baja Men. Actual stray dogs from local shelters are released into the crowd. Graduating seniors begin the rest of their adult lives.
How to make living off campus not AWFUL
read on if you don’t want to share an apartment with a bunch of messy, cheap, sexaholics.
! page two k e e W e h t f o Pic word of the week Reticents:
The last five dollars in a college student’s bank account, which they are hesitant to spend. “Emilio only had $2.36 in reticents in his bank account, so he put the ramen back on the shelf and left the grocery store hungry.”
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Cinco de Drinko: A quiz Kelia Scott wrote this Cinco de Mayo, otherwise known as the holiday that everyone celebrates, but no one understands. Test your knowledge of Cinco de Mayo history with this fun quiz. 1) When is Mexico’s Independence Day? a) May 5 b) September 16 c) July 4
7) What is a common instrument in a mariachi band? a) Guitar b) AutoTune c) Pipe Organ 8) We don’t often drink beer, but when we do, we choose… a) Corona b) Dos Equis c) Natty
2) Who celebrates Cinco de Mayo the most? a) Mexicans b) Narnians c) College students in America
Check out the answers below to see how you fared. Even if you failed, hopefully you know a little more about Cinco de Mayo than you did before. Who knows, maybe you’ll impress someone enough with your knowledge that they’ll buy you a cerveza. If you learned nothing, at least try to take a few minutes in between your Coronas to reflect upon this joyous holiday and what it means to the people of Mexico and college students across the country.
3) What does Cinco de Mayo translate to in English? a) Fifth of May b) Five jars of mayonnaise c) Drink all day
1) B: Actually September 16 is Mexico’s Independence Day, not May 5 like a lot of people think. May 5 is a day when the Mexican army was outnumbered by a stronger French force, and they beat them anyway. How awkward for France, right? Viva la Mexico!
4) Who has the best Mexican food on Main Street? a) Cal-Tor b) Cal-Tor c) Cal-Tor
2) C: Much like how college students out drink the Irish on St. Patty’s Day, we tend to do way more than Mexicans on Cinco de Mayo. We heard the Narnians can’t hang anyway.
5) What battle does Cinco de Mayo memorialize? a) Battle of Puebla b) Battle of the Bulge c) Battle for Middle Earth 6) What is the appropriate amount of layers in the dip traditionally served on Cinco de Mayo? a) 17 b) 7 c) 2
3) A: It translates to the Fifth of May, but we can see how you might have been tricked by the other options. Who wouldn’t celebrate that much mayonnaise? 4) A, B, and C: Unless you’re willing to take a cab down to Chalupa, Cal-tor is the next best thing. Burrito, taco, quesadilla, does it really matter what you order? As long as there is a tortilla with rice, beans,
and cheese, we’re happy. Extra queso, por favor. 5) A: This is the battle we were talking about earlier, where the Mexicans spanked the French and sent them crying back across the Atlantic. No wonder they made a holiday out of it! 6) B: We’re not even sure how you would fit 17 layers into a serving dish. Use a bucket? And 2 layers is just poor effort on your part. There are more tiers on a PB&J, which we could make when we were in pre-K. 7) A: Although an AutoTuned version of "Canta Y No Llores" would be epic. 8) A, B, or C: Trick question, we really aren’t that picky. Hooray Beer!
Scientist Claims Bropocalypse Imminent Dillon McLaughlin wrote this The transition from winter to spring began last week, with temperatures jumping from the low 30s to the mid 70s. And when the temperature increases, bros can shed their heavy winter coat and return to the wilderness. Though current population trends show predictable rises in various worldwide demographics, the bro, which includes its ho subdemographic, has risen exponentially. What started as a fringe demographic in the early 1980s has evolved into the current bro, numbering nearly 30 million strong in the United States, roughly 9 percent of the nation’s population. Twelve thousand can be found at UD. While current conditions are perfect for the bro, experts are predicting massive extinction events will occur within this decade. “What we're seeing here is a totally unsustainable population explosion,” said Dr. Seymour Greynard, professor of population dynamics at the University of Miami. “The most likely outcome is massive territorial wars over the possession of hos, expected some time in the year 2015. Most skirmishes will be under the watchful eye of Uncle Smirnoff, and will just be a lot of chest bumping and yelling out car windows while their hos cackle like dumb whores.”
But Greynard said this is not the only danger facing the bro population. “These bros have a paralyzing fear of procreation, though not of the activities leading to it,” said Greynard. “We have several names for the condition. 'Whiskeydickatastrophe' and 'Vasectalypse', are both popular terms, though we are particularly proud of 'The Condomclysm'.” Giggling roundtable discussions and ridicule aside, scientists say this new population trend is unprecedented. “This may be the first time that safer sex practices actually pose a major danger to a population,” said Greynard. “We're hesitant to say it, but this looks a lot like Darwinism in action.” Very few places have seen bro population explosions to the same degree as the University of Delaware. As has been noted, the university is home to nearly twelve thousand bros, being as common in Newark as pigeons in New York City, and just as approachable. The rising number of the bro population and the recent blossoming of spring on campus has created a perfect storm of brotittude, seeing
record numbers of the least desirable people on Earth flock to the open areas of campus. Nearly four thousand bros congregated on the turf on the first day the temperature rose above 60 degrees. At noon, just as all the bros were continuing to skip their classes, the buckling turf collapsed, dropping everyone unfortunate enough to be on the turf to their certain death. “They were all tossing lacrosse balls and Frisbees around, then they were gone,” sobbed Rachel Sylven. “There was a huge cracking sound and this collective 'Broooooooo' and then nothing.” Early analysis of the area indicates Laird Turf was never meant to support more than three or
four thousand people. A university official, speaking on the condition of anonymity for some reason says, “Laird Turf's original purpose was just to host lukewarm events for Greek life and poorly planned fundraisers. Maybe some intramural football games. I'm just confused why people want to hang out on a plastic field filled with pieces of tire.” On a related note, local police stations have received roughly nine thousand calls asking where Stacy and her boyfriend Chad are. The university will fill the hole with the future rubble of Rodney and then build an outdoor pool. There are no plans for a memorial.
Things to Pull the Senior Card For
There comes a time in every undergrad’s life when one word can cause any senior to vomit on command. Yeah, we’re talking about the g-word (and you can be certain we’re classy enough not to spell out that monstrosity). Now despite the impending doom of sleeping on our parents’ couches and beginning the boring life of an adult, being the oldest kids on the block does have some advantages. Some may describe the attitude of a senior as cocky, outrageous, and downright irresponsible, but we think it’s more along the lines of awesome. Here are all the best things you can do because you’re a senior.
Natural Light: An Examination buddy walnut wrote this You enter a liquor store and are greeted by a plethora of drink choices. You can indulge in the weekly wine special or pick up some cheap vodka that’s more reminiscent of rubbing alcohol than a distilled spirit. As you wander around the store thinking of how to best budget the $20 you and your friends scrapped together, you are suddenly drawn to a stack of silver cases. When you reach the walk-in and lift the all-toofamiliar 30 rack, you feel a small amount of embarrassment. Not because you are about to purchase Natural Light, but because you didn't think of it earlier. To even consider another beverage option seems ludicrous as you walk, no, strut, past frat bros grabbing Burnett’s and sorostitutes picking up their boxed wine, and head towards the checkout counter. As you crack open a can of Natural Light you are immediately greeted with a floral smell as you are transported to the rolling fields of noble hops, which go into the finely crafted pilsner. While many suggest pouring beers into a glass to allow the aroma to enhance your drinking experience, veteran Natty drinkers know that the metallic scent of the can combined with the beer is the only way to truly enjoy it. The first sip presents the drinker with a slightly bitter, almost skunked flavor, but don’t fret. What you are tasting is the result of Natty’s laborious and quite complicated brewing process, not a beer that has sat in the sun for too long. By using the finest hops, malt, and corn, Natural Light is able to produce a light, and easily drinkable beer, but also maintain an intricate flavor profile. As you continue to drink your delicious brew you will soon notice that the once bitter
taste has faded and you begin to taste… well nothing actually, which is the beauty of Natural Light. Its smooth, almost non-existent flavor, combined with the light carbonation, allows one to shotgun Nattys all day like it’s water, because after all, it pretty much is. With just 95 carbs in each can, Natty is also the perfect beer for those who are health-conscious but still looking for a good time. Natty finishes with a clean, slightly metallic flavor that allows it to be paired well with food, such as a microwaveable TV dinner or a personal favorite, Hot Pockets. Best served as a daytime drink during the spring, Natty is also the perfect beer for hours of drinking games that, with any luck, will turn into a drunken hook-up session. And if it doesn’t, do you know who will be there for you? That’s right, Natty Light will be there for you, providing just the right amount of alcohol content to help you forget all about last night’s failed pick-up lines, atrocious dance moves, and desperate attempt to pick up freshman chicks on your walk home. Although the beer itself, which won a bronze medal for American-Style Light Lager at the World Beer Cup in 2008, is surprisingly flavorful for such a light beer, the best part is the bottle or can it comes in. The use of America’s colors, red, white and blue, and Anheuser-Busch’s logo of a majestic eagle give the can a simple yet regal appearance. If you're lucky enough to stumble across some “Fatty Nattys,” which are short, stocky bottles, sort of like George from Seinfeld, then you’re in for a treat. The glass bottle only further enhances the previously described beer, and leaves the drinkers in a state of euphoria.
10.) Skipping Class: Yeah, yeah, yeah, all college kids skip class. But as a senior, you could be walking in to take a final when your bar senses tingle as your friend grabs you and pulls you toward happy hour. Assorted reasons for not attending include “It’s Wednesday,” “You went 2 weeks ago,” and “You don’t need those credits to walk.” Let’s be real, the professors don’t want your obnoxious ass in class anyway. 9.) Ditching the Diet: We don’t know who the hell came up with the “Freshman 15,” but seniors consume more calories like it’s nobody’s business. Whether you’re chugging a real beer like Blue Moon (taste trumps light beer now that you’re old) or taking five pizzas to the face a week, it’s hard to believe you’re still fitting in your clothes. But don’t fret, there will be plenty of time for the gym when you’re jobless and bored. 8.) Cutting Line: A college town involves a lot of waiting, but you did your waiting – 3 years of it! So when the line for bagels is out the door, skip to the register sporting that winning smile. Sure, people might complain and stomp their feet. But when you scream “SENIOR” as you run out the door with your bagel in hand, there’s nothing they can do. 7.) Making Fun of the Youngins: Listen, you need to deal with the impending doom awaiting you in May. Take out your stress by mocking every freshman, sophomore, and junior you come across! Sure, you did the same stupid shit they do now… but mimicking their poor drinking ability and strange mating rituals is so fun! 6.) Making Out With the Youngins: A wise woman once said, “I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 22.” That same wise woman once dated a high school senior. So don’t be afraid to channel your inner cougar and hook up with the less experienced of the university population. Sure, they might slobber all over your face like a dog, but it still counts. 5.) Sleeping, A Lot: You will not survive senior year without a lot of naps. Happy hour can be exhausting, and the extra stress from doing absolutely nothing for your classes is putting you on edge. So nap wherever the hell you want…class, a frat couch, the side of the road next to your homeless friend. No one can judge you because you’re coping with the end of your college days. 4.) Being A Bitch: A senior is the Regina George of the college world. They have no mercy. So let everyone know how much better you are than them. If someone gets in your way, scream “MOVE.” If you’re hungry, scream “FEED ME.” Slap people in the face just because you feel like it. A sassy senior is the best kind of senior. Just don’t let anyone push you in front of a bus. 3.) Failure: What does six digits worth of tuition matter if you don’t want to leave? Take that extra semester if you want, hell…take two! Just sob to your parents about how hard you tried and how “embarrassed” you are, and all will be golden. We hear that eighth-year seniors get a lot of ass. 2.) Drinking for Every Occasion: Is it Monday? Drink! Do you have work to do? Drink! Did some sports team that you don’t even support just win a game? Drink! Did your hookup stop texting you? Drink! Did you find a penny heads up on the ground? Drink! See…it’s easy. 1.) Everything Else: You can actually pull the senior card for anything. So run around naked, sing horrible karaoke songs, frolic in the fountain, and whatever else your heart desires. You deserve it, because you’re an asshole senior and your life is about to be ruined at (forgive our despicable language) graduation.
Brittany choplin wrote this
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How to Come to Terms with Your 2008 Facebook Self Shannon Poulsen wrote this Raise your hand if you were alive in 2008. Congratulations, you survived. Now raise your hand if you’d voluntarily go back to 2008. No one? Oh, I see one hand. Ah, I get it, asshole, you want to go back to “Not having a lot of homework, not having a job, your parents still loving you” etc. Well from one ashamed skater/punk 2008-er to another, reliving your “glory days” by revisiting your Facebook page is enough to make one vomit up the dining hall food you tried so hard to keep down. Your Facebook page is like a note you left yourself to be ashamed of later, so naturally it’s a means of coming to terms with who you once were. If you’re too ashamed, keep in mind, it’s tough trying to block out a solid two years from one’s life. Do it now before it becomes even worse. Here’s a guide explaining how to approach who you were in 2008 via Facebook timeline so you can better accept the past choices you’ve made. First things first: you cannot just scroll down your timeline. It’ll make it look like the beauty you are now is regressing into a sad pile of excess eyeliner and crimped hair. This will cause a spiraling existential crisis that’ll make you question who you are as a person, and that’s a question for another day. It could also be the basis of a Shel Silverstein poem entitled “Why Does the Sidewalk End, and Will it Tell Me My Life’s Goal?” It’s hard to tell with him.
Instead, scroll all the way down and work your way up. You’ll progress into the intelligent (questionable), handsome (more questionable), and hilarious (most questionable) person you are in 2013. Face that first photo. Stare it in the eyes. Look right past that sepia filter, peace sign, and fuzzy word graphic quoting an inside joke you made with your friend from geology in seventh grade, and love it. Pick up your computer and hug that photo, because clearly the person inside the screen needed to have human contact. Stay strong, scroll to the next, and complete looking at who you once were. Next is the notes section. Click the title, “HAHAH omg brit thx for taggin me haha 25 facts about meh,” and read. Think of it as a time capsule you left yourself. Oh, your favorite band was Green Day! You could eat chocolate all day without gaining a pound! Your best friend was that girl who totally betrayed you in eighth grade by stealing your lab partner Matt who was totally into you, not her, but she stole him right from you! What a slut, am I right? Have a miniature conversation with your past self through each of these notes. Read the comments and see the friends you no longer keep in touch with. Click on Bill Lawenski’s page, observe that puberty really worked out for him, get jealous of his hot girlfriend, and go back to your page. Now it’s time to check your past relationships.
This is the toughest part. You dated Tim Chartoni. He wrote “goodnight” on your wall every night before you went to bed. He shared YouTube links of shitty 90s songs that “reminded him of you.” Grab some ice cream and reminisce. You can try to click his page but he blocked you after your 2009 stalker stage. “Thx babe, luv you 4 ever n ever” read the caption of a photo of you two. Play a little bit of Adele on YouTube to set the mood. It’s ok, let out that one single tear. Your love life has improved from this to the current hook-up, stalk, and move-on cycle of college. Tim would be lucky to get you back. As you creep closer and closer to the current day, make sure to note the positives. You successfully looked good at prom. You got into college, have
survived years of college, and will continue to survive into the real world. You have that photo album entitled “C0LL3G3” filled with blurry photos because you haven’t mastered drunk selfies just yet, but you’re getting there! Hell, more and more people wrote on your wall on your birthday! 2008 might be a thought too scary for you to revisit, and that’s completely understandable. However, know that we’ve all been there and done that. In fact, more than half of this article stems from this writer’s 2008 page. Good luck trying to cyber stalk and find it, for it’s long in Facebook’s graveyard. But nevertheless, it is a healthy part of discovering yourself to look back and be disgusted. (Re)Live, (Re)Laugh, (Re)Love.
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How To Make Living Off Campus Not Shitty Brian McManus wrote this
Campus housing is obviously not an ideal situation. After freshman or sophomore year, most people move out of shitty dorms and move into apartments that are almost as shitty, but still better than Rodney and Dickinson, which were both constructed by a company that builds and designs prisons. Basically, you need to get out of your dorm as soon as possible. And when you do, The Black Sheep has a few tips to make life outside the dorms a little less shitty. Live on the top or bottom floor: Walking up four flights of stairs to get to your apartment might suck, but it definitely pays off at nighttime. If you live in an apartment in the middle of the building, you’re forced to listen to people above and below you having sex all night. Not only is this gross, but it will definitely bum you out if you aren’t having sex that night. You may luck out and live above a chemical engineering major that silently masturbates every night, but after a few quiet months you’ll start to hear him crying. Always have spare alcohol: When you’re out of the dorms, you’re one step closer to the real world. This means you have to be a big boy/girl and always be prepared for real world situations. Having alcohol on hand is always a good idea. We recommend keeping a box of wine in the fridge or stashing a handle of vodka somewhere in the apartment for emergency situations, such as failing an exam, warm weather, or just being alive. Don’t live with a couple: Again, listening to sex every night just sucks. Living with a couple means living in constant fear of walking in on an out-of-control sex session in your living room, kitchen, bathroom, etc… Then it’s just awkward stares from then on out, especially after you
asked to join in. Do your dishes: JUST DO THEM. Having dishes pile up is stressful and a little disgusting. The lazy college lifestyle is great, but when it comes to dishes, just get off of your ass and clean them. If there is a secret to humanity, it’s this: clean your dishes right after you’ve finished eating. This piece of advice is magical and will make your life so much easier. We also recommend having a drink while you do dishes to make it suck that much less. Save your money: Living off campus means having to pay rent, so save your damn money. You can save money by drinking cheap beer, not pretentious handcrafted beer that doesn’t even taste good. If you’re about to go to a bar, have a couple drinks beforehand to save a few bucks. As a college student, most of your money will go to food and liquor. Of course, we would never tell you to cut back on the drinking, so try not going out for food that often and drinking more, cheaper liquor. Be nice to your neighbors: These are the people that can call the cops and make your life a living hell. If you have old neighbors, be especially nice. Maybe give them a heads up if you’re going to have a party that weekend. There’s nothing worse than being on your neighbor’s shit list. Having the cops show up every weekend is never fun, so avoid this by shaking your neighbor’s hand and maybe giving them a beer. Living off campus will probably be the most fun of your life. You’re going to drink a lot, eat cheap food, and throw awesome parties. Nothing we can say will fully prepare you for living on your own, just try to be smart and have an awesome time.
! d e r e v li e d u iz M t e g Eat in, take out, or 132 E. MAIN STREET | 302.731.3104 | MIZUSUSHIBAR.COM
bartender of the week Miguel La Tonalteca When did you start working here: Three years ago. What are the busiest nights: Wednesdays because of the margarita discount. As well as Thursday, Friday, and Saturday when the patio is open. What are your plans for Cinco de Mayo: We are going to have giveawaysnecklaces, key chains, t-shirts, and sombreros! What will the best drink specials be on Cinco de Mayo: $2.99 margaritas and specials on the draft beers all day. What are your favorite kinds of customers: Regulars and people who come in 2-3 times a week and that always come back for the margaritas. We also love the students who want to have a good time on Wednesday. We treat them well and so they come back.
Hardest drink you’ve ever had to make: Martinis -- I’m not too good at that. Margaritas are my specialty. Martinis are rare to have ordered and sometimes we don’t have all the ingredients. What is the best margarita on the menu: My opinion is the golden, because it has Jose Cuervo and people can get drunk really fast, and they are really delicious. One table ordered over 20 of them in one sitting. But they are regulars, I know what they usually want but that was a little surprising. Does being bi-lingual have it’s benefits in this business: Yes and no. I try to discourage people from being catty in Spanish because it shouldn’t have that advantage, but it does help if you need to openly discuss the distribution of tables and kitchen duties in front of guests.
the drinking game:
recipe for disaster:
Golf isn’t just for dudes with saggy balls, it’s for anyone who wants to get schwasted and wear a polo. Take a trip to the golf course on a hot summer day and get ready to do a bit of boozin’. Just don’t be the girl who gets a DUI on a golf cart.
Summertime is approaching fast, filled with country concerts, road trips and latenight bonfires. S’mores are the traditional staple in summer snacks, but you’re a big kid now with a huge stomach to fill. Here’s a more chocolaty, more mallow-ey way to cure your craving.
What You’ll Need: Hard booze and beer—whatever is easiest for you to sneak in. Number of Players: At least two. Level of Intoxication: Tiger Woods when word of his affairs came out.
What You’ll Need: 5 graham crackers, 8 extra large marshmallows (or a ton of regular-sized ones), 4 bars of chocolate, a jar of Nutella, a jar of marshmallow fluff, and half a jar of peanut butter. Cook Time: 5-10 minutes Fatty Factor: Remember Ham from The Sandlot? Yeah, you’re on that level.
How To Play - Take a shot for every lost ball. - Take your pick between a shot or shotgunned beer every time your ball goes in a sand bunker. - Take a swig of beer every time your ball lands in the rough. - Take two shots whenever someone lies about their score. Charge them with a stroke too. - If you make par or better, give out a shotgun. - For every shot over par, chug a beer for 3 seconds. - Whoever loses drinks seconds for the amount of strokes they lost by.
Let’s Get Baked: - Lay out your five graham crackers, but don’t break any of them in half. Set one aside to be the top of your s’more sandwich. - Mix the Nutella, marshmallow fluff and peanut butter together in a bowl. - Spread the deliciously rich mixture evenly over each cracker. - Place a bar of chocolate on each covered graham cracker. - Roast the 8 marshmallows in any way you choose (lighter, stove, bonfire), but we cannot be held responsible for any fires you cause due to your stupidity. Make sure they’re nice and gooey. - Put two marshmallows on each cracker. - Layer each graham cracker one-by-one and place the empty one on top. - NOM NOM NOM!
The Game Ends When: You can no longer hit the ball off the tee without falling on your face.
It’s a little messier, sure. But then that means there’s a lot more you can lick off your hands. Sweet!
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From the Streets
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What's your favorite way to celebrate Cinco de Mayo? “Definitely taking shots of tequila with strangers in a bar, celebrating the fact that none of us are Mexican, but we all know Mexicans.” - Rachel J., Super Senior
“With tequila, so I can make bad choices, just like Davy Crockett.” - Greg H., Freshman
“I like to spend the day reflecting on JLo’s tookus. It’s a great reminder that I haven’t done squats since last Cinco de Mayo.” - Sara H., Sophomore
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Roommates: A Consumer’s Review black sheep staff wrote this As the year comes to an end, you're starting to make living plans for the near, post-graduate future. To ease your many worries, The Black Sheep composed this consumer’s guide to ensure that you can confidently make an informed decision when choosing a new roommate. Here is a comprehensive list of the bestselling roommates on today's market. The Sleeper: As the name suggests, this roommate is almost always in bed. While they may not actually be asleep, they'll be in a zombielike state watching Game of Thrones or some other unhealthily addictive series. They leave the room three times per day: once to eat a feast and twice to use the restroom. On the weekends they may also indulge in some illegal substances while skulking in their cave. Advantages: They stay out of the way and are generally harmless. They won't ask anything of you, and they're entirely low maintenance. If you're looking for a roommate that is easy to take care of, this is one of the best options. Disadvantages: If you are sharing a room with them, your life will be a living hell smelling of showerless body odor. WARNING: side effects may include infectious clinical depression.
loudly doing them for you, huffing and puffing all the while. At the beginning of the semester she seemed like the perfect roommate, proclaiming how laidback she is, but the minute things get stressful in her life, she subtly takes her issues out on you. Advantages: She'll never actually say she's mad at you, and she'll never actually tell you to do anything. If you're able to shut out her constant guilt trips and awkwardly obvious hints, she's the right roommate for you. Disadvantages: She is constantly unhappy but will never tell you why. She will expect you to figure it out on your own. When she's having a particularly difficult day, her frustration will boil over and she will have a nervous breakdown. This roommate is a ticking time bomb. Purchase at your own risk. The Party Pooper: This roommate has no social life, and any attempt at creating your own social life will somehow be negatively affected by her. It's not their fault. They're just not a fun person. They like playing monopoly and crocheting a hat for their cat, and their idea of a crazy night out involves lots of cosmic bowling and soda (non alcoholic).
to guilt you into staying focused… and keep them company. You won't be tempted to invite people over because they'll be deterred by your awkward roommate. This roommate is best for maximizing productivity. Disadvantages: Due to this roommate’s creepiness, your social life will cease existing. Despite your intentions, people will associate you with your roommate, and by proxy, you will become a party pooper. It's another calculated risk with very little pay out. The Leech: They'll drink your beer, eat your Cheez-Its, and use excessive amounts of toilet paper. When you ask them to replace something, they'll make false promises for restocking, and you'll still be the one stealing toilet paper from the dining hall. They'll also make sure to inconveniently take up the common area with their scattered belongings and old dinner plates.
It's not worth trying to change them, because they have no idea they're doing anything wrong. Advantages: This person is pretty much insufferable, but their hygienic obliviousness is kind of cute. Disadvantages: Everything. They'll make you dread coming home, and they'll turn your apartment into a swirling black hole of despair. They are especially incompatible with Type A personalities. As you reflect on your experience in the past year, determine what means most to you in a new roommate. While these four models could be a good fit, the only way you can really find out for sure if a roommate is right for you is by aggressively stalking them and judging their Facebook page. So have at it.
The Passive-Aggressive Bitch: Instead of asking you to do your dishes, she'll make a point of
Advantages: They'll keep you grounded. When you need to get a paper done they'll be sure
Why wouldn't you want to work somewhere with unlimited koozies and a "pants are optional" policy?
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House. Your Epic Summer Best Friend: - Emma Stone - Joseph Gordon-Levitt - Rebel Wilson - Jason Segel
Location: - Seaside Heights, NJ - Outer Banks, NC - Maui, HI - East Hampton, NY
Big Adventure: - Highjacking a yacht - Romance with a Chechen - Music festival hopping - Going vegan
Enemy: - Roseanne Barr - Justin Bieber - Anne Hathaway - Chris Brown
Job: - Ice cream truck driver - Water aerobics instructor - Karaoke host - Nail technician
Mistake: - Tattooing a rabbit on calf - Drinking "the kool-aid" - Buying too many crop-tops - Hanging out with R. Kelly
Pet: - Spider monkey - Corgi - Fawn - Baby Agouti
Pay: - Dozens of cookies - Grams of cocaine - Fifths of gin - Pounds of gum
Highlight: - Won chili cook-off - Saved a drowning kid - Tamed a lion - Lost virginity
How to play
Doodle some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.
D N A O R T A U Q , S SPEND DO ! â€™S E T A K T A O Y A CINCO DE M pm-7pm 4 R U O H Y P P A DOS DE MACYOOBAH OTS R! $4 JOSE CUERVO SH FREE TA
S HTS, $3 MARGARITA G LI A N RO O C $3 , A $3 CORON
! Y A D L L A h t 5 D MAY 4th$4AJONSE CUERVO SHOTS A LIGHTS N O R O C 3 $ , A N O R $3 CO $3 MARGARITAS
158 E. MAIN ST. | NEWARK, DE | 302.737.6100 | KLONDIKEKATES.COM