The Black Sheep
F cr REE us ... h y lik ou e t r r ear oo s o mm f j at oy e i af n ma ter rio you ka rt
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 2 • 2/21/13 - 3/6/13
omigod IT’S LIKE, RUSH SEASON, SOURCES SAY Sir Jason Hewett wrote this
So like, sources have like confirmed that like one of those recent studies or whatever is showing that people coming out for rush week is up by like 100,000,000,000,000%. Wow, that’s a lot of zeroes… is that even a number? So anyway, like, there have been A LOT of people coming out for rush week, and that means that like sororities are getting BIG at UDel. Like, so big that my women’s studies teacher, Jeanne Sheats, said this to us in class the other day: “Let me tell you something. Sororities are a huge step forward for women’s rights. When I was in school, drinking beer and being an asshole were only for the guys in fraternities. Nowadays you see women can do the same types of things men can do, and sometimes we even do it better.” So yeah that’s totally true because like, Professor Sheats knows what she’s talking about. She has a freaking master’s degree. Wow, like, how long did she go to school, forever?! Well actually that probably would have been pretty awesome because she would have got to go to all those parties and stuff. Lucky bitch. Ugh no… actually it wouldn’t have been that great. That would mean she would have to deal with all those annoying freshmen every year, and those awkward super seniors that always hang out at Brad’s house. Um, gross! Oh my God, that reminds me: did you know that the reports say that like, girls who are rushing can’t go to parties. I know like, two weeks without drinking—I would be like kill me now. I mean I could do it, but it’s the beginning of the semester. I just spent like the whole winter session doing nothing and I don’t even have anything to do for my classes, so I’m going to go out. I don’t know why they’re doing it like this. My big told me it was different when she rushed. My big was like, “Um, when I was a freshman, they made us drink a lot during rush week, but then some freshman like, died from alcohol poisoning so the university made them stop doing it. I was like ‘wow, bitch, way to ruin it for everyone else because you can’t handle your liquor’.” The President of Greek Life at UD was all like “We’re just trying to make everyone safe while they have fun.” Whatever, dude. Some girls like this one freshman named Chelsea Clarkson still think it’s fun, though: “Well like, I love shopping, especially for new outfits when it’s like, my parents’ money, so anyway this should be a really cool experience, like I don’t know why you wouldn’t want to try it because it’s still your parents’ money.”
Clarkson also added that, just like clothes, it’s important to try friends on before buying them: “I want to know which group of girls are the right fit for me, because I hate drama and I do not want to deal with that like at all. Like period,” she said. Oh my God. Like, I swear everyone like, says that, but I’m totally betting you that like half of these girls love drama. And like experts are saying the increase of like rushes has made it even worse. “Oh my God ,this one girl who was rushing for us was being such a slut,” said Carly Jayrepson, president of Alpha Delta Delta. “We
Breaking news: studies show an inverse association between relationships and fun.
They told us Hulu was a gateway programming service... but we just didn’t listen.
all knew she was just doing it for attention. It was like, we all go to this party and I’m like honey, please, he’s been hooking up with everyone. Why don’t you go make that everyone except you.” So like yeah, there’s going to be a lot more sorority sisters this year, so like oh my God, we are going to get so many noise violations this year, it’s like seriously a problem. I’m going to need so much Starbucks this semester because I am like, never going to sleep. Like, it’s already bad enough now when we’re rushing, just like imagine what it will be like when we start drinking. WOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Love Letter to Elena Delle Donne Her game is hot, she’s super tall, and we love the way she can handle a ball.
page two word of the week
A delusional personality trait in which a loathed person perceives themselves as popular. “When Kaylee invited herself to Jason’s party after he called her a bloated sea whore, we knew she was egocentrick.”
When Melissa said, "Get in my box," this is not what she meant.
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Groundbreaking Study Shows Relationships Dictate Drinking Habits Chris Gray wrote this Bill Cauley, a senior engineering major in a long distance relationship, is looking forward to his last semester in college as a time to bond with his five roommates over the backdrop of consistent alcohol abuse. However, when he returns home from work Tuesday evening during the first week of spring semester, he is stunned by what he sees. The scene in his living room is appalling; the lights are dim and the TV is on low. Hooded sweatshirts, flannels, and moccasins hang from his roommates like flaccid animal skins. The room is littered with cereal bowls and tortilla chip shards. Nobody has showered in days. A female voice floats from the kitchen through the thick aroma of homemade chicken parm. Bill stands aghast. “Hey guys,” Bill says after a moment. “It’s our first Tuesday back. What’re we drinking tonight?” Bill’s hopeful voice is met with icy silence. His roommates share uncertain glances for a moment until, finally, one gathers courage to speak. “Sorry, man. Kelsey is here making dinner for her and me, then we’re gonna watch Finding Nemo in my room. We love that movie,” says Bill’s roommate John, a senior communications major. “Yeah,” pipes up Justin, another roommate, “I think Carol is coming over. Or we might video chat—I’m not sure. Either way, I think I’m laying low tonight.” Desperate, Bill looks to a third roommate who sits fidgeting with his phone. “What about you, Dave?” “Even though I really like drinking and going out and whatever, I don’t think I want to, like, do it as much… This semester. Also,
I’m going to Kim’s later.” Says Dave, who once poured beer down the front of his pants at Kildare’s to hide the fact that he had peed himself. Bill stays in on this particular Tuesday night and watches Lost as a third wheel. Unfortunately, Bill’s experience is no isolated incident. All over campus, students are finding that their once rambunctious college friends are dialing down their reckless behavior. Why, you ask? New research says relationships are the culprit. Dr. Adam Carey, an associate professor of behavioral psychology at Harvard University and science correspondent for The Black Sheep is responsible for this groundbreaking new research. He tells us a bit about his findings. “Our data shows that people are very horny. This horniness makes people agitated and desperate to have sex with something. Drinking makes it easier to have sex with people, so horny people love drinking a lot. In order to drink, people need to have horny friends who drink with them. This is why people make friends in college. People in relationships, however, are statistically less prone to horniness because of all the sex, and thus care less about both drinking and friendship. It’s all very complicated.” The Black Sheep took to the Delaware campus to let students weigh in on the findings. Annie, a little blonde sophomore from Alpha Phi tells us, “I normally go out like four or five nights a week, but I don’t think drinking is about boys at all. I just like being silly with my girlfriends and meeting new people.” Annie made out with thirteen boys at a Dave Matthews Band concert last summer.
your iharmony account anthony armao wrote this
“I don’t drink anymore. It’s just immature, really. I prefer to spend my weekends with my girl,” says senior history major Nick Grace as everyone in the immediate area suppressed groans. His girlfriend, although present during the interview, declined to comment. Don, a newly pledged member of Sig Pi and avid fan of electronic music says, “I’m wasted like twenty-four seven and don’t give a shit about girls. I just love raging to dub-step.” With all of the hormones flying around inside the bodies of college students, it’s no surprise that relationships and alcohol have such a profound affect on student’s behavior. As we all reflect upon these aspects of our own lives, Dr. Carey leaves us with this thought, “I’m ridiculously horny, but I’m also very drunk. This is why I love psychology.”
Tinder is a wonderful new app developed by Hatch Labs, Inc, that connects you with photos of people similar in age, within a relatively close mile radius of you; and you decide if you approve of their appearance. From there; you can creepily reach out to them to try to “hang out.” This sounds some bizzaro form of an eHarmony account where being compatible is translated to, “Yeah I’d f*#k that.” Basically, it’s a less sad, yet more shallow version of a dating website.
pelvic workouts per-semester are worth the nonsense that comes with your new Tinder friends.
Does Hatch Labs have any idea how socially irresponsible this app is? Enabling dudes to have sex while putting forth little-to-no effort, which is nice, don’t get us wrong. But this is just another mindless shortcut so that we don’t have to do that whole talking thing; you know that skill that’s supposed to differentiate us from apes and shit like that. Now we’re just a bunch of idiots making small-talk conversations on our phones, hoping that when you finally bump into that person you’re both drunk enough to not realize how shitty and awkward your conversation is. Yes, talking to people is dreadful, but it’s something we have to do sometimes; so sack up and stop relying on smartphones to do the job for you.
Further, does anyone else think the concept of approving or crucifying people on this app is a good idea? There might as well be an approval rating on everyone’s profile, just to speed up the process for those who were already contemplating whether or not to jump in front of a train. Combined with the rating there should be a suggestion for how many books you should rent at your next library visit, so you uggos should prepare to clear ample backpack space.
Now getting laid via Tinder sounds great and convenient on the surface, because of how innocent and simple it appears. You upload a series of photos including the one of you and your bros doing bro things to say “I have friends so I’m cool,” then a photo of you and girls to say “Not all females are repulsed by me,” add a family photo that says “Yes, I also pretend to have a sensitive side.” Then it’s a must to add a picture of you dressed business-casual to say “I’m presentable and probably not unemployed,” as well as a vacation or study abroad photo to state “Bonus! I’m also cultured and therefore interesting.” Boom! Hit all those categories and maybe that unopened box of Trojans will no longer be a bad investment, kudos. If that all works in sending your ego through the roof, kudos to you sir. We just hope those extra 2.3 more
Approving of someone on Tinder is like taking eighteen non-subtle double-takes at someone’s ass on the street. What happened to the craft of the classier gaze at the cleavage? It’s something men have lost, and we need to get back if we want to meet real people outside of the Tinder world.
Do these apps actually help connect everyone? Do they make getting laid easier? With texting, Facebook, Tinder, etc., comes the ridiculous made-up rules of the game. Without the rulebook we wouldn’t have to worry about who should text whom first, how long to wait to respond, overthinking and overanalyzing every syllable we read/send. All of these arbitrary things we do to avoid looking “creepy” or “desperate” has made us all insecure teenage cheerleaders that didn’t make the first cut of tryouts. Overall, Tinder is an incredibly stupid and terrible thing that’s slowing down mankind's progress. If we let our apps replace us in communicating with others, we have failed as a society and should all be put down like a two-legged racehorse. With or without your phone you’ll still on occasion come off like a creepy asshole. But the silver lining is at least when you’re off the phone (walking and talking) you’re burning calories before spring break. And all of that practice talking will pay off because almost nothing is creepy on spring break.
Best Excuses for Why You Didn't Go to Class
We’ve all had those days when going to class simply wasn’t going to happen. Whether it was the ungodly stomach virus, an obscene hangover, or simply not being able to get out of bed, we’ve all missed at least one class when going was still a possibility. 10.) “I was still drunk”: Typically this would be your excuse for a Monday morning class, but if you’re an alcoholic like most students at UD, it could realistically happen any day of the week. If you’ve yet to wake up at 9 a.m. still plastered and unable to even get in the shower, you obviously haven’t lived. 9.) “I was attacked by a squirrel”: Although the chances of this actually happening to you are not very high, it's still possible. The squirrels on this campus are not afraid of you, in fact, they like to scare the shit out of you every chance they get. Even if you pull this one with a professor, you had better pray this never actually happens since you'll need to get a rabies shot and some form of counseling. 8.) “There was a family ‘crisis’”: Your dog has been eating poorly for the past few days? Your grandpa ate too much and is now overly bloated? This is a free country and you’re allowed to view whatever you want as a crisis, just make sure you’re very vague when describing said incident to your professor. 7.) “I had to go to the counseling center for some ‘issues’”: Being in college can be very stressful. Sometimes these issues are relatively legit such as chemistry exams and roommate problems. Other times it’s realizing who you just had sex with or simply not remembering what happened Friday through Sunday. Either way, the counseling center is always there for you.
Hopelessly Devoted Brian McManus wrote this Netflix has recently become a hot commodity in the lives of many college students. Whether you have your own account, or use your parents’, ex-boyfriend’s, or brother’s friend’s second cousin’s, you probably have some form of access to Netflix. A subscription to Netflix may appear to be a beautiful thing, but be careful! There is a sinful nature to this website - it is easy to spend hours in bed staring at a laptop screen, only moving to press the spacebar to go from episode to episode. Watching one little How I Met Your Mother before studying seems to be harmless, but one episode turns into two, which turns into five, until eventually you’re two seasons into the show, it’s four in the morning, and your exam starts in four hours. We’ve found that Netflix is hardly just an online movie site. It’s a lifestyle, or, more accurately, a relationship. Dating just seems unnecessary when you have a Netflix subscription. Why go through the trouble of getting dressed and going out in the cold winter weather when you can stay in and catch up on 30 Rock? Replacing a real relationship may seem problematic, but Netflix simply makes being single a more enjoyable experience. And for those of us whose boyfriend or girlfriend is actually a human, you can have a night of romance: order Chinese, drink wine, and watch Netflix together on the couch all night. It’s very easy to be addicted to Netflix. It always starts with the one show that you really want to watch. After you finish that show, Netflix quickly recommends other shows for
you to begin watching. Eventually, you find yourself binging on episodes of shitty TV. You’ll get out of class and race home, desperate to finish that season of Ugly Betty. Soon, your friends start to worry about you. You haven’t gone to a party in weeks, instead you stay in and get drunk while watching High School Musical 2 (as a joke, of course). The worst part about being addicted to Netflix is when you realize that you are, in fact, addicted to Netflix. You’ll be lying in bed wearing sweatpants with your blinds shut when suddenly your screen goes dark. You see your reflection on the dark screen of your laptop, forced to look at your cold, dead face. You see the acne medicine, your double chins, and the cheese dust from your last bag of Cheetos... The sight of your own face may scare you, but remember: Netflix loves you unconditionally, and will always be there. Maybe slowing down on the Netflix is a good idea, but who cares? You’re in college. If you want to have a night in with a cheap bottle of wine, a burrito, and Netflix, then go for it. Netflix will always be there for you, in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, in clothes or in the nude. Unless, however, you can’t come up with the $8.99 a month, then maybe it’s time to get out of the house and meet some people. Overall, Netflix is a beautiful luxury with a few dangerous side effects. If you can control yourself, why not commit to Netflix in a loving relationship? These are the best years of our lives; why not spend them sedentary in front of a computer screen?
6.) “I had to finish my work”: If you’ve never had so much work that you’ve had to skip class, you either have a really useless major or a really pathetic social life. If you’ve actually had to do this, we’re sorry, that is super depressing. 5.) “My professor uses Course Capture”: If you’ve never had a professor who uses Course Capture, you're missing out big time. You can enjoy the luxurious life of watching what happened in class while painting your nails, doing homework for another class, or just lying around in your underwear. 4.) “I was sick” a.k.a “I didn’t feel like it”: Being sick in college is a natural occurrence. You share bathrooms, bedrooms, dining halls, and sexual partners. But if you’re pretty clean, the chances of you getting sick enough to not go to class are reduced significantly. 3.) “There was an infestation of shit in my room”: Do you live in Ray Street, Rodney, or another hell hole? It’s safe to say you’ve got various creepy crawlies and fungus living in your room. The chances any one of these problems stop you from going to class is slim, but ever since the deadly mold scare of 2011-2012 you never know what will keep you away from class. 2.) “I overslept”: Oversleeping has happened to all of us. Sometimes you completely miss your noon class, depending on how drunk you were the night before. Other times you simply sleep through your alarm and wake up 15 minutes before class starts. Let’s be honest, you could jump out of bed and rush to class, but there’s no point.
1.) “I woke up at the wrong school”: If you went to visit some of your best friends at another school over the weekend, the chances of you taking a few too many shots and spending the majority of the weekend in a drunken stupor are relatively high. So what’s not to say you wake up one morning, look at your phone, and realize that you should be sitting in class… three hours away in another state.
Nikita Mutter wrote this
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the ultimate Oscars Drinking Game Kelia Scott wrote this Oh, the excitement, the anticipation, and the glamour that is the 85th Annual Academy Awards. The Oscars is an event where all of Hollywood’s stars go to wear shiny things, act cool, and schmooze with their best frenemies. We haven’t been this excited for a gathering of celebrities since the last season of Surreal Life on VH1. Not that we ever need encouragement to drink, but without Sunday Night Football to look forward to, we’ve been struggling to find a socially acceptable excuse to get our Sunday Funday on. Cue a night of drama and fake friendships involving the entirety of Hollywood’s A-list, and we’ve got ourselves a drinking game folks. Here are a few fun rules to get you started. - Seth MacFarlane, director of Ted and the genius behind Family Guy, will be this year’s host. The producers are hoping he’s on his best behavior, but we hope he decides to give the Academy the proverbial finger and crack jokes that actually make us laugh (we’re looking at you, Anne Hathaway). He already raised eyebrows with a Hitler joke at the nominee announcement ceremony, and we can’t wait to see what he has in store for the real show. Toast every time he says something wildly inappropriate; just try not to choke on your beer if you’re laughing too hard. - Take a shot every time they show someone in the audience who really has no business being there. We know there isn’t a “Best X-rated Home Movie” category, so what is Kim Kardashian doing chatting with Helen Mirren? Go home Bieber- isn’t it past your bedtime anyway?
- Sip your drink for every celebrity who shows up wearing an outfit that looks like it came out of a Tim Burton film. While The Oscars guarantee celebrities have nationally televised exposure, showing up looking like Edward Scissorhands will not get you the kind of attention you’re looking for. - There are 24 categories, but we all know there are only 6 or 7 that people really care about. The rest are forgotten faces, whose speeches are cut for a commercial break or overwritten by a plug for ABC’s newest sitcom. Make a toast to these poor folks whose sound mixing and short animated films were very good, we just didn’t care enough to notice. We understand you’re an excellent makeup artist, but you’re no Bradley Cooper. Let’s move on to the good stuff. - There is NO WAY that the losers are as happy as they pretend to be when the Oscar winner is announced. Just because you’re a professional actor doesn’t mean you can pull off that forced smile. Just once, we want a star to give up the act and throw a chair over the table like we all know they want to. Unfortunately, Hollywood is a classy bunch, so the best we get is some polite clapping and feigned excitement. Pick out your favorite “humble” loser of the night and have a drink for them, because you know they’ll be drowning their sorrows in a bottle of tequila later on anyway. - Ugh, the acceptance speech. No one ever has anything interesting to say other than thanking a whole lot of peo-
ple we don’t know and crying so much we can’t understand them anyway. They always go too long and when the music starts to play we all just end up feeling awkward. It’s in your best interest to drink for the entirety of the speech; we promise you won’t miss anything. If you’re upset that your favorite starlet was beat out by that crazy actress who showed up in a swan costume, this drinking game is for you. Maybe you’re celebrating the recognition of your favorite obscure hair and makeup artist, then this drinking game is for you. Even if you don’t recognize any of the faces or titles during the entire show, this drinking game is for you. It’s time to restore Sunday Funday, and we can’t think of any prime time television event we’d rather brown out watching.
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Love Letter to Elena Delle Donne
Buddy Walnut wrote this
As I sit in the crowd watching the team take warm ups I cannot help but stare at the spectacle in front of me. As you drain three pointers with ease my heart begins to race, as if it were filled with a flock of buzzing bees. Stepping to midcourt for the tip off you enter the spotlight, as you should be. Cloaked in white, you effortlessly rise above the competition. Your power step and angelic touch when finishing a layup are something to behold, but let me be clear, I am not only interested in playing Around the World or Horse with you… Seeing as you’re an athlete, you’re probably looking for a guy interested in sports. There is no need to worry, I have already thought of a plan. Just think of our potential as a pickup-game squad. Like Wesley Snipes in White Men Can’t Jump, I’ll step on the court talking smack and appear to make fun of your below-average basketball skills. Little do they know you average 24.9 points and 8.8 rebounds per game. You step on the court, maybe miss a few close jumpers just so they don’t catch onto us, then take over the game with your Iverson-esque crossover and pullup jumper. I’ll pretty much stand and watch because my basketball skills are truly below average, at best. Again, it is not just your soon-to-be WNBA superstardom that I'm attracted to.
Walking around campus you glide like an elegant swan swimming across a lake leaving a small path of ripples in your wake. In your case the path of ripples is a pack of students hoping to catch a glimpse of your beauty. While your 6’5” frame would intimidate most people, I happen to find it attractive. I can wear boots to give me a few extra inches (not like I need it, if you know what I mean) and stand on my tippy-toes when we take pictures. I could ramble on for days about why we are meant to be, but I think my feelings are better expressed in the poem below: Like an angel sent from heaven, You stand at midcourt wearing number 11. Looking so beautiful in yellow and blue, Oh, how I long to finally meet you. Back and forth in my mind you race, Running down love's court at a brisk pace. A certified babe, you’re surely a 10, And what do you know, I’m a Blue Hen! Like being down 3 with 5 seconds left I have one chance to prove I’m deft. So here it is my final plea, One last try to make you want me. I may not be quite as tall, Or have any skills playing basketball, But give me a chance and you will find, I’m smart, funny, witty and kind. You the superstar, me the average Joe, We can foster a love and watch it grow.
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bartender of the week Sandy green turtle Sign: Taurus When did you start bartending: I have been working in the restaurant business for almost 20 years now, but I started bartending about 2 years ago. What is your signature drink: I invented the Dirty Turtle. It’s bright green and killer to drink! When do you think students should come party at the Green Turtle: On Thursdays we have an awesome DJ that comes in and a ton of people will come to dance. We also have really great happy hour specials every day and on Sundays our happy hour is all day. How is Green Turtle different from other Newark bars: Well we are definitely more family-oriented during the day, but at night that changes quickly.
We have a ton of room so it never feels crowded during party time or during sports events. Where do you like to go on weekends: Anywhere where there is dancing or live music. I’m also a pool shark, so if I can play pool, then I’m happy. Worst type of customer: There is none in my opinion. It’s all about what mood you are in during that day. Best way to cure a hangover? Drink more! No but seriously, my cure is a whole bottle of water and an Advil before I hit the sheets. How did you celebrate Mardi Gras: I had to work, and it wasn’t as busy here as other places, but St. Patrick’s Day is going to be a blast. We already have so much green stuff!
the drinking game:
recipe for disaster:
Truth or Dare was a highlight of middle school sleepovers. However, the one thing that was missing at the time was copious amounts of alcohol (unless you went to cool kid parties). Task Master takes Truth or Dare and makes it better by adding alcohol and removing the Truth part, because that was always for pussies.
As if pancakes weren’t already good enough, beer makes them even better. Pancakes and beer go together like Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston; it just makes sense. Start your day off in the best way with some beercakes for that essential morning pregame.
What You’ll Need: Alcohol! Number of Players: As many brave souls as you can acquire. Level of Intoxication: That all depends on how wiling you are to humiliate yourself.
What You’ll Need: 1 can of your favorite beer, 1 teaspoon of salt, 2 cups of all-purpose flour, 2 beaten eggs, 1/2 cup of white sugar, 1/4 cup melted butter, 1 teaspoon of baking powder, and cooking spray. Cook Time: 15 minutes. Fatty Factor: Depends on if you’re using light beer or not.
The Game Ends When: Everyone is too ashamed of themselves to make eye contact.
Let’s Get Baked: - In a large bowl stir together the flour, sugar, baking powder and salt. - Add the eggs, beer and melted butter to the mix. Stir until mixture is blended; a few lumps is fine. - Heat a skillet coated with cooking spray over medium heat. Spoon the batter out over the skillet using either a 1/3 or 1/4 cup measuring cup. - When the beercakes start to bubble, flip them over until the other side is browned. - Pour your favorite syrup over the beercakes and eat ‘em while there hot!
It only takes one person to change this game from a light-hearted prank fest to a full on molest-a-thon, so choose your participants carefully.
They taste a lot better going down than they do coming up, so eat wisely.
How To Play: - Designate a person in the group to be the first Task Master. This can be done by choice, rock, paper, scissors, odds-evens, whatever. - The Task Master then assigns a task (dare) to another player in the group. - If the person fails their task, the must drink half of their drink. If the person refuses to do a task, they must finish their drink. - When a person completes a task, everyone takes a social drink, and the person who completed the task becomes the new Task Master.
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