The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Volume 7
Fre e! L ide ike ste as f rom aling Buz costu zFe me ed.
Issue 5
Alumni, the High Schoolers of College Dan Collins wrote this
With homecoming quickly approaching, you may find yourself excited for alumni to return to Clemson. Well, you shouldn’t be. It is important to remember that these alumni aren’t the same people they once were. Once you look past their seemingly mature appearance, you’ll realize that life after graduation has changed them to the point where they now more closely resemble high school students than Clemson students. Here’s how:
Their Lives Are Horrible: Whether we’re talking post-grads with entry-level jobs, or unemployed post-grads calling their parents “roommates,” everyone knows that life outside of college is a giant shit sandwich. Anyone who visits is undoubtedly trying to make the most of the one weekend of the year where they have anything to live for. Much like the insufferable high schooler who thinks their Delaware state championship ring means something, these alumni have no interest in anything besides reliving their glory days and reminding you of what a legend they were back in the day.
They Can’t Drink: The real world is no place for someone with a college-level alcohol dependency to survive in. Sure, they think they can still drink, but any tolerance they once had left them when they started drinking a single glass of wine at dinner in order to reduce their risk of heart disease and calling it a night at nine o’clock. They may still go out once a week if they aren’t too tuckered out from work, but that’s no competition for
the college lifestyle where 3 nights at the bars a week is considered tame.
They’re Going to Get Sloppy and Embarrass Themselves: Having a terrible life in addition to a low alcohol tolerance is a recipe for disaster. Combine that with desperation for a great weekend and overconfidence in their ability to drink and you’ve got an unheard of quadruple threat. This could come to fruition as vomit all over the couch, waking up on the roof, or a horrific injury.
They Think Your House Is Garbage: Whether they’re living with their parents or in an apartment fit for a real adult, they are disgusted by your living conditions. While they probably won’t say anything outright about your coffee table that is just plywood held up by two kegs or your spatula/fly swatter, they think you are disgusting. It may be hard to blame them because, face it, your apartment is pretty terrible, but the fact that it bothers them is what’s truly disgusting.
They Think They’re Better Than You: While everyone in the world is openly jealous of college students, behind closed doors those same people are also condescending to the college population that struggles to wake up before 11a.m. and still complains about the 2-3 hours a day they
spend in class. And while that’s a pretty indefensible argument, how dare they? It’s hard to skip less than the allotted days of class you are designated by the syllabus. You can only have “family emergencies” so many times a semester before you have to come up with a complicated story about
Grandpa crapping the bed. So, next time you see an alumnus who thinks they are better than you just because they have a college degree and you aren’t on track to graduate until Hillary Clinton’s second term, just remind them
that they’re just a glorified high school student and a visitor in your domain. Remember, it took Tommy Boy seven years to graduate college and he only went to crappy Marquette, so your situation is totally justifiable. Don’t let the alumni bring you down, they have nothing on you.
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THE EVOLUTION OF YOUR HALLOWEEN COSTUME IN 10 SIMPLE STEPS
TOP 10: CAMPUS JOBS THAT SHOULD ACTUALLY EXIST
WHAT KIND OF HALLOWEEN PARTY SHOULD YOU ATTEND?
IF YOU’RE TOO BLESSED TO BE STRESSED, THEN JUST BE A CAT.
WE HAVE 10 SUGGESTIONS TO BRING UP WITH THE LABOR DEPARTMENT.
FOLLOW OUR FLOWCHART TO MAKE THE BEST DECISION OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.
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