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Vol. 3, Issue 3

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

9/19/13 - 10/2/13

Freshman Survives Family Weekend

BY: dan collins Despite an onslaught of obstacles, Ryan Gilroy, a Clemson freshman, was able to masterfully navigate his way through Family Weekend without his parents realizing that he’s rapidly turning into an alcoholic. The barrage of potential problems began before his parents even arrived in Clemson. Bored on their 9-hour drive from Virginia, the Gilroys reportedly called Ryan “like 15 times” between the hours of 9a.m. and 2p.m. that Friday to discuss plans for the weekend. However, none of these calls were answered, as Gilroy slept off last night’s debauchery until 3:30 p.m. These nights (and the mornings after) had begun to feel routine in Gilroy’s life, mostly as a result of some upperclassmen who took immense pleasure in stuffing drinks down young Gilroy’s throat until he blew chucks all over the side of their house. When Gilroy finally woke up and saw the plethora of missed calls from his parents, he knew the only way to save himself from guilt and punishment was to lie to them, so he opted to tell them he had been in class all morning. While Gilroy knew going to class on Friday wouldn’t sound believable to any college student, he thought his parents would buy it. In reality, Gilroy had been dropped from all his Friday classes, as his professors assumed he had dropped out of school. This was only the first in a string of lies that would continue over the course of the weekend. Gilroy had thought (stupidly) that the rest of the weekend would go off without any other close calls, but this notion was instantly contradicted. While he was waiting at Tillman for his parents to pick him up for an early dinner, he was approached by three people who seemed to know him, but who he had no recollection of ever meeting. He was in the midst of a terribly awkward conversation with his three mysterious “friends”

when his parents pulled up in their Dodge Caravan. While their arrival did allow him to get out of the train wreck of a conversation, his parents wanted to know who the three gentlemen were. Luckily, they had just left, allowing Gilroy to create fake names for each of them. His parents seemed suspicious that his three friends were named Alvin, Simon, and Theodore, but they had no reason to believe he was lying about the “classmates in a study group” he had created. While the rest of the night went off without a hitch, with a new day came new challenges. Unbeknownst to Gilroy, his parents had arranged to tailgate the football game with another family who lived in the same area of Virginia and who had a daughter at Clemson the same age as him. While this would normally have been fine, if even desirable, Gilroy and the aforementioned daughter had shared a one-night stand a couple of weeks before. They had not talked since that night, and Gilroy knew he was in for an incredibly awkward confrontation if they made company. However, when he arrived, his one-night lover was not there because of a “sorority thing” but would arrive later, meaning he would have to find a way to leave before she arrived. Que the lie: Gilroy, pretending to receive a phone call from a friend, informed his parents that he was sorry but he had been invited to tailgate with the cross country club, of which he was a member, and he had to leave if he wanted to make a good impression on the other runners. In reality, he had gone to one crosscountry practice before realizing an embarrassingly short distance into the run that he hated running, puked on the side of the trail, and snuck away never to return. Regardless, the lie got Gilroy away from the tailgate so that he would not have to see his former one night stand indefinitely. Throughout the rest of the day, Gilroy employed even

page 6

Top 10: Tips for Surviving the Dorm Bathrooms

You won’t make any friends singing in the shower, trust us.

more lies, each one more uninspiring than the last, to ensure that he would not see his parents the rest of the day. This allowed him to enjoy a great Clemson game day, complete with a blowout win over South Carolina State and a drunken hookup, neither of which Gilroy remembered the following day. While his parents were slightly disappointed they were unable to see him as much as they would have liked, Gilroy had

concealed from them his fall from promising engineer to future degenerate, at least for the time being. Or so he thought. Gilroy’s father allegedly expressed concern for his son, saying, “If that kid graduates from here, it’ll be a goddamn miracle. He continuously lied to us, he smelled like a drifter with a key to the town brewery all weekend, and I think he even snuck off to do a line of coke at one point on Saturday… Damn I miss college.”

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Hook up, Date Down

Friday Morning’s Are Tacky and I hate them

A romantical guide for the lovely ladies of Clemson.

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How to: Make Good Conversation By: Black sheep staff

Parties are another scenario to consider. There’s really no better place to socialize with other individuals than in a loud, dark, crowded, disgustingly hot apartment. But at a party, you want to keep conversations short and simple. Many people there have only a loose grip on reality, so you should keep your discussion basic when you’re conversing with the shitfaced. “What major are you in? Psychology? Do you have classes in Brackett Hall? Cool!” And move on. Moreover, the music at frat parties tends to be loud, so don’t say anything that can be easily misconstrued. You never want to talk about how you “practice sax with children” when your voice can barely be heard. Then you have the dilemma of talking in class. Contrary to all the scolding you used to get in high school, class is actually a good place to talk with friends … sometimes. Obviously, if you’re in an ordinary classroom, you’ll look like a jackass for making small talk during class. If you’re in the Lever lecture hall, though, and nobody’s paying much attention anyway, then what the hell, go for it. The larger the room, the less likely the teacher is to call you out for talking and then spend the next ten minutes talking about people talking. Discussion sections are another story. Just shut up and try not to fall asleep. You also may wish to have a conversation at Fike, instead of the usual grunting and heavy breathing. Beware: The average person appears 10 times more bang-able merely by being in a gym environment,

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Top

Ten

Tips for Surviving the Dorm Bathrooms By: black sheep staff

It’s no surprise when people say that the dorms suck. You have virtually no privacy, the food tastes like something your cat threw up, and you have CAs who act like camp counselors. These are unavoidable. However, there is one thing you claim as your own and make tolerable: the bathrooms. Here’s how: 10.) Don’t hog the mirror: You don’t need to fix your makeup in the bathroom every five minutes. In fact, you have one in your own room. If you really need to look at yourself every second, it might be time to hop on over to Walmart and invest in a vanity mirror.

Carrying on a quality conversation is not a skill everybody has. Some people are too shy to talk at all, while there are others who try to turn everything into a discussion about Game of Thrones. By now, you’ve definitely gone to your fair share of parties and events here at Clemson, but you were probably pretty awkward at all of them. So, it seems only worthwhile to briefly review kindergarten-level social skills in order to ride out the semester on a strong note. After all, making good conversation is an ability that will get you far in life—married, employed, all that jazz. Let us first examine what makes good conversation with your roommate. Whether you’re a freshman living at Bryan Hall or a super senior living at a not-as-super apartment, it’s essential to be able to talk well with your roommate. They’re usually the closest friend you have in college and if you want to keep it that way, communication is vital. That’s why you should feel comfortable talking with your roommate about anything. Anything, that is, except for masturbation habits. Pretty much all possible topics of conversation between roommates are encouraged except how often you jerk the gherkin, because the answer to that is a mutually understood “a helluva lot.” And it would be really weird to hear that he does it, like, when you’re asleep or on your bed when you’re at class.

The

9.) Clean up after yourself: It’s common knowledge that freshmen can’t hold their liquor. When the inevitable does happen, and again, it will, clean it up. If you make the poor janitor mop up your vodka and lemonade spew you won’t be getting toilet paper next week. 8.) Don’t look into other peoples’ rooms from the bathroom window: Imagine you’re sitting at your desk minding your own business and suddenly you see a pale face staring at you while drying their hands. It’s creepy. Keep your eyes in the bathroom. 7.) Don’t look into the bathroom window from your room: This is just as wrong. If you have the opportunity to look into the bathroom from your room, don’t do it! You’re not going to see magical pillow fights or boobs. You will see someone picking their nose in the mirror. It’s not worth it. 6.) Don’t use the bathroom for gossiping: This isn’t high school. Also, no one can do their business while listening to your whiny voice complain about how sad your sex life is. This is a private conversation that, if held publicly, will end up with you getting the lights turned out on you the next time you take a shower. so anything you say other than “Are you done with that machine yet?” is, in all likelihood, going to come across as flirtation. Even the slightest “Hey” has heavy sexual undertones whilst working out, especially after putting down some weights and wiping sweat from your brow. In retrospect, gyms aren’t always the best places for chit-chat if you want to be genuine, but they’re a great place to get a cheap phone number for a Backstreets happy hour date. When it comes to conversation itself, you should have a healthy variety of subjects to discuss in any conversation. If you find yourself lacking things to talk about, you can share various fun facts that you’ve read. Those are usually interesting: “Did you know that hitting your head against a wall burns 150 calories per hour?” Bam, consider your conversation started. Also consider yourself a freak, because the person you’re talking to does.

5.) If you have to poop, wait until the bathroom is empty: No one wants to hear you poop. It’s gross, and it makes people uncomfortable. If you need to take a twosie wait until the bathroom is empty to do it. And if you walk in and see that someone is in a stall, just leave and avoid getting yourself into an awkward poop standoff. 4.) Don’t talk to people on the toilet: Nobody makes friends on the toilet. Using the bathroom is a very personal time to look at Twitter and see if anyone has posted about you on the Clemson Secret Admirers page. Don’t ruin someone’s alone time! There isn’t much of it in the dorms. 3.) Don’t sing in the shower: No one can hose the porcelain while someone else is belting “Titanium” ten feet away. This isn’t Pitch Perfect. Naked people are not going to exclaim about how amazing you are when you do this. If you are really intent on everyone hearing your falsetto join Tigeroar. Everyone loves them, and you won’t freak out any nervous pooers.

Of course, you should avoid talking about a given topic multiple times with the same person. There’s no point to having the same discussion twice, especially if it’s about how banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour. Plus you just sound like a doofus when you repeat jokes to someone. We recommend opening an Excel file and listing all potential subjects of conversation in the top row and all the people you know in the first column. Under this system, you can check off the appropriate cells after each conversation. It’s a great idea for people who have both a bad memory and way too much free time. Ending conversations can be tough, though. After having talked for so long, you sort of run out of things to say, so you often just have to let it end abruptly.

2.) Invest in a bathrobe or towel to wrap up in: People want to see tiny freshman dong about as much as they want to see old man dong at the gym. Cover up. 1.) DON’T MASTURBATE: As the signs in Johnstone so eloquently state, do not use the bathroom as your cum dumpster. It clogs up the drains, and nobody wants to deal with that sticky situation. Leave that for the tissues in your room.


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on the Streets When have you laughed hardest at someone else’s misfortune? es h m a n Drayton, Fr

Hook Up, Date Down: A Guide for the Ladies of Clemson

“I don’t know, I’m not a douche.”

re s h m a n M a rg a re t , F

By: Courtney Paul If your mother is anything like mine, she indoctrinated you with nearly unachievable ideals, frustrating rules, and sky-high expectations; it’s all because she loves you, right? From “the rule of threes,” which states that any self-respecting lady must look presentable in at least two of the three most important areas of her appearance: makeup, hair, and clothing, to the ever-exasperating “would the First Lady act in such a way?” fun-killer, your mother had it all covered. While we girls push aside many of these guidelines about as quickly as we finish that ninth Jet Fuel – it gives “we too deep” a whole new meaning -- there are a few diamonds in the rough worth keeping around. One of these diamonds is the famously cliché “hook up, date down.” While we may forget mother’s stance on DFMO or Friday morning class attendance, the “hook up, date down” rule is one of those we hold dear. Casual hookups are the norm, sighted by the sea of last night’s bandage skirts and crop tops that cross Bowman early every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday morning. Let’s just say after the early morning walk the boy’s personality, socioeconomic status, and family history aren’t the first things you’ll spill to your sisters the morning after. It’s attractiveness we’re after, seeing as bragging rights are the only things we’re carrying home, other than our heels and a new shack shirt of course. And if we are in a relationship, it’s with a boy just a little less attractive than us (duh, we’re gorgeous) and who likes us just a little bit more than we like him. It’s sadistic perfect. But how do we know if the boys of Clemson are on board with our little strategy? The Black Sheep would argue they are. How could they not be? Every boy gets exactly what he needs, whether he knows it or not.

The super-buff mega-hottie (see Spencer Benton) gets a different hookup of his choosing every weekend with the only repercussion being that “I had fun last night thanks” text, which he can easily ignore. If the hottie thinks he wants a relationship, he’s wrong. Have you ever noticed that these boys’ girlfriends are the most psychotic, miserable wretches to crawl across campus? How could they not be? They live in constant inferiority and an inescapable fear of being dumped for some 9 to their 7.5. You’ll never let these ladies know it, but you may or may not have uttered the phrase “but he is SO much hotter than she is” during a weekly gossip sesh. Maybe you’re a bitch, but at least you’re a smart one. He doesn’t need all the drama of a girl’s inevitable sense of inadequacy. He just needs a constant flow of hookups to forget his need for companionship in the first place.

“When I watch sports: like when flyers in cheerleading fall, it’s hilarious.”

an Alli, Freshm

Now what about the middle-tier engineering major who’s really really into philanthropy and “bro nights?” He get’s what he needs as well: a “she’s out of your league” girlfriend. His newfound insufficiency makes him the perfect boyfriend, as he will sincerely listen to your most insignificant utterance and answer to your craziest plea. Just as you’re using him for these servant-like attributes, he’s using you right back. He needs you to make his consistently just-above-mediocre life not seem so mediocre to everyone else. After all, how could a mediocre boy get you? You’re the only one who has to know that it’s all just a façade crafted by the genius that is “hook up, date down.” To everyone else, it’s more “love is blind” garbage. Ignorance is bliss. So next time you find yourself in a situation with a true Clemson gentleman remember “hook up, date down.” It’s not only for your benefit but for his, too How generous of you.

“One time I saw a kid climbing up the ladder to the high dive at my pool, and he just fell off of the ladder, onto the ground, on his back. He was fine, and it was hilarious.”

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thursday

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Burger and a Beer Night! $7.50 Backstreets Burgers or $8.50 Specialty Burgers and Your Choice of Selected Beers Happy Hour Mon-Fri: $8.75 Liquor Pitchers

$3.50 Fireball, $5 Liquor Pitchers

Burger and a Beer Night! $7.50 Backstreets Burgers or $8.50 specialty burgers and your choice of selected beers

FRIday

$6 Liquor Pitchers until 8pm $1.50 Mystery Beers 10pm Happy Hour 5 - 8pm: $2 Bacardi, Bud & Bud Light

$2.50 Fireball Shots Happy Hour Monday - Friday: $8.75 Liquor Pitchers

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$5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers Monday - Friday That equals 3 drinks for only $5.50!

saturday

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tuesday

Tourney Tuesday 10pm Happy Hour 5 - 8pm: $2 Bacardi, Bud & Bud Light

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$3 Red Stag, $3 Captain Morgan

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thursday

$3.56 Sushi $5 Champagne Bottles Happy Hour 5 - 8pm: $2 Bacardi, Bud & Bud Light

$3.50 Fireball, $5 Liquor Pitchers

Burger and a Beer Night! $7.50 Backstreets Burgers or $8.50 specialty burgers and your choice of selected beers

Yeungs and Wings! $5 Yeungling Pitchers, $6.75 for a Dozen Wings

Happy Hour Mon-Fri: $8.75 Liquor Pitchers Burger and a Beer Night! $7.50 Backstreets Burgers or $8.50 Specialty Burgers and Your Choice of Selected Beers Happy Hour Mon-Fri: $8.75 Liquor Pitchers


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monday

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tuesday

All Day - BIG Nasty Burger: 1/3lb Chargrilled Cheeseburger topped with Pulled Pork, Baked Beans, and Onion Straws with a side for $8.99 $3 Bourbons after 5pm

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wednesday

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thursday


The Black Sheep Peruses

the Fall TV Schedule Don’t know about you, but we couldn’t be more excited for fall’s upcoming television series. TV, being a medium of propriety and constant self-improvement, has only continued to become more and more respected in the eyes of the public. And, really, it couldn’t be more important to us: sharing with you some of the best of what fall has to offer. Oh, this is so exhilarating! But enough of our gushing, this TV isn’t gonna watch itself! Now, let’s sit back and learn about what’s on the ol’ boob tube this fall…

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Master Chef Junior (Friday, Sep. 27 at 8/7c on Fox) W-well okay. So, to start we have a show starring Gordon Ramsay and a bunch of children. Sounds like-well, it certainly sounds like an idea. Like Barney but with more chronic heartburn. Who is this show for? Kids? Probably not. Kids hate old British dudes. Adults? Probably not. Adults hate Gordon Ramsay. It’d be a lie to say that the show isn’t intriguing from a distance, however. What tools will Ramsay supply the kids with? Like, are the kids rationed out Easy-Bakes or are there really sharp knives everywhere or does Ramsay just not give a fuck? Has his culinary expertise actually caused him to acquire a taste for human flesh? Oh, God that would be such a delicious twist. It’s not going to happen, ‘cause “parent groups” and whatever. It’s also doubtful this series would be able to pull such a move with any dramatic tact whatsoever. What a shame. We were hoping the first show would really knock it out of the park. Oh, well. Let’s see what’s next.

By: Kevin Wise

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Million Second Quiz (Monday, Sep. 9 at 8/7c on NBC) Huh. A game show. Okay, we’ll give this one a shot. Actually, the internet tells us this one already premiered. And no one liked it. Why, you ask? Well, it wasn’t because it was poorly made (although, certain technical problems suggest otherwise), but because it was too confusing. So, before we put on out basket hats and march into town, pitchforks ablaze, let’s see what the show’s website has to say for itself:

The story of several young people from around the world who represent the next stage in human evolution, possessing special powers, including the ability to teleport and communicate with each other telepathically. Together they work to defeat the forces of evil. – IMDB

Oh, okay. It’s in an hourglass. Cute. Wait, what does this even mean? The people in the MONEY CHAIR get money while they’re in the chair; that makes sense. But how long do they have to be there? Just the hour, right? For as long as the show is actually broadcast? And they’re just being asked random trivia? Like every quiz show ever? Could this just be called Quiz and no one would be the wiser? But they kidnap the people that win. And make them “survive” next to a giant hourglass in the middle of the city. That’s what makes it different? What the fuck is going on here?

Wait a minute. This sounds exactly like the movie Chronicle. And every X-Men thing ever. And Carrie. Is this what happens when CW tries to go toe-to-toe with ABC? Is this a response to Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.? Well, good job with that one, as it’s clear The Tomorrow People set out on cancelling Agents’ banality with its own. Oh. Oh! You think Agents might be rad? Quickly, recite your favorite superheroes from the past Marvel movies. Was it Hawkeye, the dude who uses a bow? What about Black Widow, the lady who kills people by being all sexy? The guy who collected Captain America trading cards? Did you like him? Well, then…yeah, you might dig Agents. God, what is with these shows, though? We just wanted a fun fall season. Where’s the creativity? Where’s the spunk? Hopefully in the next few shows. We’re not sure we can take much more of this.

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Dracula (Friday, Oct. 25 at 10/9c on NBC) Ugh. Vampires. Vampires and werewolves. Twilight wasn’t good! Neither was True Blood! Stop it! Stop it all of you! For some reason, the overreaching awfulness of the genre feels like accepted fact, but the urge to state your dissatisfaction still bubbles in the back of your throat. Why is this happening? Who is the person in charge of these projects that truly has a passion for the modern vampire? Who are the people that are just eating this up? Spoiler: he bites people. He’s a vampire and he’s going to bite sexy lady necks while looking all sexy. Maybe, if we’re lucky, he’ll bite some sexy dude necks. And then he’s going to be all mysterious and totally charming at the same time. This can’t still be selling. Please, tell us the vampire well is running dry. Tell us the perversion of classic horror monsters is done. What’s next? Mummies? Is the infatuation pop culture has with fetishizing old-timey, horror-fiction bullshit ever going to fade away?

Witches of the East End (Sunday, Oct. 6 at 10/9c on Lifetime) Ugh. Witches. Witches and wizards. When does it end? It’s our fault, really. It’s not like every, single millennial didn’t memorize their Patronus at an early age. It’s not like we didn’t treat Wicked as the greatest thing since the wheel. And we enabled it all, just so we could vicariously live our dreams of being magic people. But enough’s enough. Magic isn’t magic anymore. It’s time to go home. Witches of the East End looks like Wizards of Waverly Place for adults, but, if you take the time to really look at that statement, you’ll realize how ludicrous it is. Perhaps the next show bucks this trend.

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The Tomorrow People, huh? That’s what you got? Future Folks not good enough for you? Whatever, have your name, but know that it isn’t even enough to convey what the show is about. We assume it has something to do with watch manufacturers. Well, actually, The Tomorrow People is:

...‘ The Million Second Quiz’ is a…competition where contestants…battle each other in intense head-to-head bouts of trivia for 12 consecutive days and nights. The competition…will air in primetime, LIVE from a three-story hourglassshaped structure. Money is accumulated by sitting in the ‘[MONEY CHAIR]’ (note: NBC doesn’t capitalize this, but they really should) and answering trivia questions against a rival. The longer a contestant stays in the chair, the more money is added until he/she is defeated by a challenger. During the million seconds the top four players who have accumulated the largest amounts of money up to that point in the game will live next to the hourglass in ‘Winners’ Row’ and try to survive there until the million seconds are up. – NBC

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The Tomorrow People (Wednesday, Oct. 9 at 9/8c on CW)

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Sleepy Hollow (Monday, Sep. 16 at 9/8c on Fox) Well, fuck you too, TV.


Bartender of the Week thing your best friend has ever done?: Probably puking in class.

Relationship Status: Single Major: Food Science Favorite Drink: Margarita Favorite Shot: Straight tequila Disgusting Drink: Anything with Jager If you could have a pound of anything, what would it be?: Bacon. Are you a member of the Illuminati? Prove it: I am actually a member, but I can’t do anything to prove it or I’d have to kill you.

Stephanie of 356 Drinking Game Breaking Booze With AMC’s Breaking Bad coming to an end, making a drinking game out of it was inevitable. However this game is not a celebration of the Emmy Award-winning series but rather a celebration of the fact that in a very short amount of time you will stop being asked, “So do you watch Breaking Bad?” So sit back, drink, and watch Heisenberg do what he does best … ruin everyone’s life that he comes in contact with. What You’ll Need: Beer, a TV and someone raving about Breaking Bad enough to convince you to watch it. Number of Players: However many can comfortably fit on your couch. Level of Intoxication: Casual How To Play: - Invite all your friends over on Sunday night to watch Breaking Bad. - When the show begins, drink when: - Jesse says, “Bitch!” If he says it more than twice in a sentence, finish your beer. - A commercial for Low Winter Sun comes on. - Someone destroys a phone. - Someone in the room says, “Skyler is bitch” or “Fuck Skyler.” So pretty much anything anyone says about Skyler. - Money is shown.

- Percent purity of meth is brought up. - Walt Jr. eats breakfast (drink double if it’s awkward). - Saul changes phones. - Marie says something annoying, which is every time she opens her mouth. - Walt lies. - Somebody says, “Why are all the woman characters so friggin’ awful on this show? Is Vince Gilligan a misogynist? Or he just pissed off about constantly being asked about his island and how the Skipper is?”

The Game Ends When: The episode ends. If you’re a real fan, play again for the second showing.

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What’s the most embarrassing

If you were alive in medieval England, what do you think you’d be doing with your life?: Hopefully it would be like Game of Thrones or something; I would definitely be House Stark. What word do you find strangely sexual?: Thrust. What word do you find strangely disturbing?: Moist. What’s the nerdiest thing you did as a kid?: Oh, I read like all the time. One time, you laughed so hard you…: Peed my pants.

Recipe for disaster Morning-After Mixer Sometimes the previous night rears its ugly head the next morning in the form of nausea and migraine headaches. Lucky for you, we’ve compiled the best hangover cures to form an all-powerful hangover helper. What You’ll Need: A blender, two Tylenol, one bottle of purple Gatorade (it must be purple), orange juice, tomato juice, celery, a cup of black coffee, a greasy hamburger, 10-piece chicken nuggets, a can of beer, graham crackers, an Alka-Seltzer tablet, and pickle juice (an old Polish trick we learned from an alcoholic cleaning lady). Cook Time: 15 minutes Fatty Factor: You had like 10 beers last night, let’s cut the crap. Let’s Get Baked: - Set up your blender. Make sure it has a tightly-fitted cap; this is gonna get messy. - Start making the coffee as you start filling the blender. - Put the hamburger and chicken nuggets in the blender first, these will require the most blending. - Now throw in the graham crackers, Tylenol, orange and tomato juices, celery, purple Gatorade, pickle juice and beer. - When the coffee is finished, pour it into the blender. - Blend the ingredients on high until it has the texture of a runny shake and a brownish-green color. Mmm… - Drop the Alka-Seltzer tablet in. If it just sits on the top, push it down into the mixture. - Once it dissolves, drink it up! Your hangover is now ready to be vanquished! If you throw up while drinking it remember that it isn’t from the Morning-After Mixer, it’s because you drank too much last night, you jackass!

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Friday morning’s are tacky

and i hate them By: hashtags rat More than MIPs, more than a walk of shame in last night’s toga, more than Clemson Parking Services’ ever-watchful eye (although we’ve had to resist merking the CPS dude while he’s ticketing more than once), there’s nothing that irks a Clemson kid more than a Friday morning class. Having to drag your hungover ass through our beautiful campus, illuminated by the light filtering through the verdant oak tree leaves seems like a cruel punishment by our administration for that ill-advised ninth Rumpleminz shot you took last night. However, there a few external factors that make the Friday morning grind that much worse. Those Damn Birds: Nature is beautiful, nature is great. It’s beyond wonderful that Clemson is this awesome, natural small-town sanctuary in a world of cities and bustle; however, could the damn scenery tone itself down at 9a.m. on a Friday? Those cheerful, chirping assholes seem to burrow their winsome way into your skull, as your pounding headache is only exaggerated by their noisiness. The first rule of being a good community member is to be conscientious of the needs of others; we ratchets need you douchebirds to take your shrill morning song somewhere else. No Laptop Lecture: Because everything that can go wrong will go wrong, I’ve been scheduled into two consecutive Friday morning lectures with super strict attendance and technology policies. To want your students to pay attention is human—understandable, even. We dig that you’re so passionate about your field, and we really wish our hangovers didn’t make us act like such disinterested assholes during your lecture. However, to expect one to miss fewer than four classes at the risk of failing, or banning phone and computer use, is a downright human rights violation. Expect

a copy of a petition from Change.org, considering that your fascist, restrictive fatwa on Facebook violates our basic sense of human rights. You’ve been warned. Oh Shit, You’re in This Class Too?: Walk into Holtz like what up I’m still wearing last night’s makeup, and there you are, just chilling, exactly where you shouldn’t be. There’s truly nothing crueler than miserably dragging yourself into one of these godforsaken classes and seeing your mistake from last weekend’s jersey party sitting front and center. If there was any justice in the world, these people would cease to exist, but since Clemson singularly manages to make a campus of over 15,000 students seem like the size of a private high school, your life will be a sick and twisted example of Murphy’s Law. Anyone that you do not want to see, you will most definitely see, and in your most vulnerable, nauseous hungover form. Unless you’re a freaking masochist and pick said person to be your study buddy/lab partner, or you’re a real chipper, confident asshole who doesn’t feel awkward around former hook-ups, this will undeniably dull your sparkle. Tour Groups on Tour Groups on Tour Groups: Remember when you toured Clemson? Your guide undoubtedly told you about just how darn friendly President Barker is, how fun football season would be, and how beautiful the changing leaves are in the fall. Hopefully, you don’t remember the death glares that were shot your way by still-drunk upperclassmen as you crowded the sidewalks. For whatever reason, Friday mornings just seem like THE time for high schoolers to get to know our fantastic campus, i.e. move at a snail’s pace along the Horseshoe as you try to amble back to Manning without vomiting and/or crying. These cheery

youths, in their new Clemson apparel, gawk at you as you shuffle past them, checking out just what a real Clemson kid looks like. Hopefully they miss your “fuck off and die” glare as you try to avoid any and all human interaction and remember whatever landmark they were surveying at that moment, because if I had seen my ratchet ass while I was touring ClemDawg, I might be somewhere else. Descartes once said, “To fuck shit up is normal,” thus rendering our more loathsome nights pretty socially acceptable. However, the aftermath usually sucks beyond compare, and finds its microcosm in Friday mornings. P.S. If you see the beautiful hummingbirds of the Horseshoe going down en masse next Friday, it wasn’t me.


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6 degrees of separation

Kendrick Lamar to

Dana Carvey These two are connected by 6 different people. if you know who, and how, tweet us @Blacksheep_VCU First 3 right answers get a prize!


Go Tigers! Beat NC State & Wake!


Clemson Issue 3 - 9/19/2013