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The Black Sheep

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Vol. 3, Issue 2

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

9/5/13 - 9/18/13

Clemson Student’s Miraculous Attendance Streak

Finally Comes To An End BY: dan collins

Jimmy Rippert, a Clemson junior, spent his first two years on campus living in relative obscurity, amassing a meager GPA of 2.21 and a record of attendance described as “dismal.” This semester, however, with nothing but a little hard work and a can-do attitude… and yes, a large incentive from his father, Earl Rippert, he captured the fascination of the entire student body with an attendance streak lasting two whole weeks. Rippert had reportedly made a solemn vow to himself that, despite his previous mediocrity in the classroom, this year he would change his errant ways. “If my father is willing to buy me a car if I can get above a 3.5 this semester, I don’t see any reason why I shouldn’t go for it,” said Rippert. “And the first step to achieving that car-- I mean goal-- is to attend class every day.” During his incredible streak, Rippert reportedly battled a plethora of trials and tribulations, such as hungover Friday morning classes, a late-night lab that interfered with “an epic pregame,” and even a class that caused him to miss 3 innings of the Little League World Series Finals. As impressive as Rippert’s streak was, what is even more extraordinary is the way in which students caught wind of the act, inspired to heights that were previously thought to be unreachable. “I thought I was wasting my time trying to perfect thermonuclear fusion,” said graduate student Guy Lopresti. “But if that slob can get his lazy ass out of bed and into class for two consecutive weeks, I should be able to finish thermonuclear fusion in a matter of minutes.”

Lopresti is not the only one to be affected by Rippert’s inspiring story. “I walked into the room and it was shocking, a completely full classroom on a Friday. Usually I don’t even show up to class on Friday because I know I’ll be teaching to an empty room again,” said Professor Dylan Goulding, who teaches three sections of electrical engineering. It was as if Rippert’s determination had grown like a terrible virus and infected the entire school with a hardworking attitude. Unfortunately, like all good things, Rippert’s streak eventually came to an end. By the time the two-week mark hit, Rippert’s ego had blown up to dangerous levels of pompous narcissism, he felt invincible. It was in this moment of vulnerability that a perfect storm hit him like a freight train in the form of a 21st birthday celebration that was to take place at T.D.’s karaoke night. “I had gotten cocky,” said Rippert. “I thought nothing could stop me. Then my friend told me he had signed us up to sing ‘Bohemian Rhapsody,’ a terrible karaoke choice. I mean, it goes on for like 8 minutes. And I’m not gonna sing an 8 minute karaoke ballad even semi-sober, so I had no other option but to get insanely drunk. I woke up the next day at 12:15p.m., 3 hours after my classes had started. My dreams were shattered. On Wednesday, September 4th, the streak that had made me a god was over.” In the end, Rippert was only human. He had made it two weeks before his inevitable failure. But in this

time of mourning, it’s important to remember what the streak taught us all: Anything is possible. With enough hard work and/or incentivization, any one of us could show up in miraculous quantities, lasting three, or someday even four weeks. That is, if his story

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Boredom Blunders

How to: Not be That Freshman

Sometimes resorting to unconventional tactics while bored in class is all you need to do.

is to be believed. Rippert’s roommate, Will Harrison, has reportedly gone on record saying that Rippert is “Completely full of shit. I literally watched him sleep through his Physics class on only the third day of his alleged streak. What a dick.”

Some do’s and don’ts for you newbies out there.

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We Interview: A Magician No matter what you learn from this, always remember that a trick is something a whore does for money.


>> Table of Contents << page 6: Top 10: Ways Social Media is Ruining Your Life

>> It’s a vicious cycle of judging and also being judged.

6

7

page 7: On the Streets

>> If you had to compete in anything to save the human race from an alien invasion, what would you choose to compete in?

page 10: Saints Row IV: A Keith David Story

>> We address Keith David about playing his biggest role yet: Keith David, in Saints Row IV.

page 12: Bartender of the week

>> Blake from TTT is cunning, fashionable, and stronger than your father. Believe us, it’s the truth.

page 12: Recipe for disaster

>> We make ya’ some big boy chili.

page 13: How to Avoid the MIP

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>> Or, just don’t drink while you’re underage! LOL.

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Boredom blunders and what to do about them

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Ten

Ways Social Media is Ruining Your Life By: black sheep staff

While social media sites are a great way to stay in touch with old friends from back home and stay up to date on drama drama drama, they are sending our generation straight to rock bottom. If you don’t think the Internet has that much influence, here are the top ten ways social media is setting you up for an awful fall semester. 10.) Everyone Assumes You’re Egocentric: And they’re right! You’re crazy to think that people actually care about what you’re posting, especially when it appears on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and the scoreboard at Memorial Stadium. Work on your own self-satisfaction rather than fishing for attention on your GPA and your awesome new job at the library. 9.) You Can’t Get Away With Anything: Even if you’re not stupid enough to post pictures or update where you are, sites often post your location anyway. So while you told your annoying friend you’re at grandma’s house in Charleston, she’ll soon find out that you’re actually partying at T.D.’s without her. 8.) Everyone Judges You … Hard: Social media is the quickest way to broadcast your slutty dancing to the world. You may not want to post it even, but your friend does. When it comes to stalking profiles, people always go for the tagged, and subsequently worst photos on your page, which means your character is already being judged before people get to know you.

By: Amanda Moore For the most part classes aren’t unbearable, but every once in a while we are forced to take a class during which we feel like Charlie Brown listening to the monotone “wah wah wah” Of his teacher. Information doesn’t even make it in one ear as you’re too busy wiping away the sleep that’s creeping into your eyes. When a Trenta Starbucks coffee isn’t quite enough to get you through your 8 a.m. (or in some cases your 2:30p.m.) resorting to unconventional tactics will do the trick. Sex Sells…and Motivates: If you’re having trouble focusing, find a hot girl/guy to impress. Learn the material, not in preparation for your degree, but so you can be their personal tutor. Although stalking is frowned upon in social situations, when it comes to class rosters, all is fair. Christmas comes early when you spot a few attractive faces gracing your otherwise-bland Blackboard screen. This cyberstalking amply prepares us for those classmates that might make our morning wood rise a little higher. For example, I maintain that I only learned Spanish because a linguistically inept erotic demigod resided in the seat next to me. He clearly wasn’t learning Spanish, so I did. So next time you have an attractive member of the Clemson family in your class, thank them for their glorious genetics. Nothing provides motivation like a chance at casual copulation with a biological masterpiece. That’s My Seat: One of the best classroom pastimes is observing other students’ habits; Sit in a seat that gives you a clear view of the majority of your peers. It only takes a few days to pick up on your classmates’ classroom routines. People are weird and become set in their ways, which makes for a comedic minefield. “That’s my seat,” a tagline that has followed us from kindergarten, continues to play out in college settings, provoking troublesome instigators to engage in a mind game. Many students will sit in the same seat every day, never

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expecting anyone to challenge them otherwise; however they fail to foresee potential observant peers with a knack for dabbling in tomfoolery. Notice the people who clearly prefer a certain seat and opt to change up their ritual by sitting in their sacred seat. It is unbelievable how many people are visibly perturbed to the point of lost concentration and, yet, won’t reclaim their glorified throne by uttering the phrase of our youth, “that’s my seat.” Observe and Report: Social media can be an effective learning tool despite several professors’ claims that technology is distracting. It can serve as an avant-garde note taking system. A formulaic airhead with brilliant commentary in my discussionbased psychology class became a Twitter hash tag as a result to my and a few other participating peers’ dedication to live-tweeting her remarks. She has a lot going for her, but proper use of the English language isn’t one of her redeeming qualities. On average, this girl made five winning comments a class. One day, her half-lit brain formulated this philosophical goldmine: “I don’t like our textbook, because it has too many words.” In addition to the supply of hilarity they inspired, her vocal opinions helped students remember what we discussed in class each day. If accepting social media as a legitimate learning technique is a stretch for you, at least you can use it to brush up on those comedic skills. So, when you wake up in the morning feeling nothing like P. Diddy, hook an IV drip of caffeine to your body and start compiling a list of eccentric ways to liven up your dreary lecture. Regardless of societal acceptance, if it gets you through class, it gets the job done. College, which is essentially one massive social experiment, freely facilitates an atmosphere that encourages unconventional behavior; Consider yourself normal if spiking your morning latte with Baileys counts as your daily pick-me up.

7.) Lingo Makes You Lazy: Abbreviations and poor grammar may seem acceptable online, but there isn’t one person in the world who truly adores Internet slang. Suddenly essays become way more difficult since you actually have to spell out “y-o-u” and capitalize proper nouns. Oh, the humanity! 6.) Unnecessary Stress: Unless you have a natural wit, you likely feel the pressure to be funny on sites like Twitter in order to obtain followers. Since when do people feel the need to put on a show just for the adoration of strangers? That only works during rush (barely). 5.) It Jacks Up Your Sleep Schedule: Being on the Internet is like a time machine; you glance at the clock at 10 p.m., and five minutes later you have an 8 a.m. at Kinard. A good rule of thumb: Once you hit the weird part of YouTube or start Googling Jugheads porn, it’s time to close the laptop. 4.) Lowers Your Inhibitions: You wouldn’t just casually strike up a relationship with a total stranger on the street, so why do people do it online? Not only are you screwing up your ability to contribute to real life interactions, but also you’re now susceptible to being catfished by a strange man pretending to be an 18-year-old model. Yikes! 3.) Causes Psycho Girlfriend Syndrome: Do you find yourself overanalyzing punctuations? Do you become antsy when someone takes more than five minutes to respond? Because of the lack of verbal communication, the sender leaves interpretation of emotion up to the reader. Get used to arguments over a period or ending friendships based on the letter “K.” 2.) Creates Lack of Focus: Studying has never been an easy feat. The distraction of the colorful online world now makes it almost impossible. A 10/90 split between your chemistry textbook and Facebook stalking is what’s killing your GPA, not the professor. 1.) Forces You to Work Out: Everyone tends to embellish their lives on the Internet in order to impress others. The problem with constantly posting about working out at Fike is that people expect you to look fit when they see you. Bragging about supposedly lifting 250 pounds isn’t going to do shit when people see that your arms are as limp as a wet noodle.


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How to: Not Be That Freshman By: Hashtagsrat

on the Streets If there was an alien invasion, what superpower would you use to stop it? Junior Andrew S.,

“Set shit on fire with my mind, maybe? Would that work?”

Junior Jennifer B.,

Fall in Tigertown is certainly a beautiful thing. The tailgates are crazy, the leaves are changing, and the freshmen “ladies” are acting like TOTAL ratchets. Of these Clemson constants, the latter is certainly the most fun, mainly because the babies have no idea what shitshows they’re actually being. But, in the interest of educating the children for a better tomorrow, here are a few “Do’s” and “Don’ts” for your freshman year, you lucky bitches.

handle her eventual liver cirrhosis with grace and aplomb, please for the love of all things drunk, don’t be weird about it. There’s a distinct line between sloppy and plain gross, which is crossed the moment you try anything beyond the casual dance-floor make out. Also, try to stay off of the “support beams,” aka stripper poles, at certain houses. It’s an obvious “woo freshman year, no parents no rules!” sort of thing to do.

Do: Go to any and every party.

Do: Socialize.

Freshman year is the only time when it’s socially acceptable to turn up at any and every party, regardless of whether or not you personally know a gentleman in the fraternity throwing it. That would explain why some houses are total freshie zones—anyone who actually knows those boys would stay far, far away.

Don’t: Wait until 11 to call a pledge.

Unless you want to stand on the Horseshoe for eons, call within that small, delicate window during which the pledges have stopped driving brothers but haven’t been bombarded with calls for “a small group, like five tops, from Lever, please!” which really means “the population of a small island nation from Lever, please!” Once you’ve made your reservation, check in multiple times to make sure that the guy is actually going to come get you. Because he will forget. Damn pledges.

Do: Be acceptably slutty.

Seriously, you girls can’t even begin to fathom what low expectations everyone has for you. But low expectations mean getting away with nearly anything shy of murder, so feel free to make out with three guys in one night, Jersey Turnpike, or forge a much more… personal connection with that hot pre-business major from your micro class. Only God can judge us, forget the haters, ‘cause somebody loves ya.

Don’t: Cross the line.

While parties are a super fun place to get blasted with 200 barelyknown acquaintances, remember that half the fun lies in the people you meet. Beyond the obvious opportunity to meet beautiful drunk people of the opposite sex, parties are actually an awesome place to make all sorts of friends. We still talk to girls we met in bathrooms at Pike and Kappa Swag, because nothing fosters a personal connection like having to deal with the lack of toilet paper and general disregard for hygiene at the houses. So stop being awkward and make new friends.

“I would like to become outrageously intelligent so in the split second of the invasion I could come up with something to do about it.”

S o p h o m o re Meghan G.,

Don’t: Expect to ever talk to him again.

We’ve all been there: eyes meet across a crowded room, and about 90 seconds later y’all are GETTING IT. Even if you think you two shared an absolutely magical moment, making out with someone at a party is the drunk college kid’s handshake. You can tell a lot about the other person by how they do it, but it’s not an inherently significant gesture. A lot of boys go into freshman year looking for fun and games, so it’s not personal if they’re not exactly pursuing you. To be young and stupid is really a blessing, so live it up while we sophomores cry over the fact that we’re not the hot newbies anymore. And remember that even if your Friday night is hella embarrassing, there’s always someone, somewhere, who’s an even bigger shitshow than you are.

“Invisibility so I could hide…sorry not sorry.”

Even though you’re just a baby ratchet who hasn’t learned how to

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Saints Row IV: A Keith David Story By: Kevin Wise Keith David has been a hero in the American eye for quite some time now. Whether it be from his motion picture debut in Disco Godfather, to his more modern portrayal of a hard-boiled cop in My Mom’s New Boyfriend, David has made audiences laugh and cry worldwide. But, truly, dear reader, Keith David has outdone himself this time. His more recent outing in the realm of entertainment has been in the recently-released Saints Row IV. Starring Keith David. As Keith David. Hey reader, sorry, this isn’t for you. Yeah, we know you picked up the paper and all, and this is in the paper, but we were hoping a copy would float Keith David’s way, and you are most certainly not Keith David. We just want to talk to Keith for a minute. Just a second. Go play with your Pogs or something. Keith, hi, it’s The Black Sheep. How’ve you been? Good, we hope. We’ve been doing alright ourselves, trying to be funny and stuff. Yeah, the kids are great, thanks for asking. Uh, but also, we were wondering: WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? It’s not going to get better than this, Keith! You’ve single-handedly doomed your career. What’s that smell, Keith? What does that smell like to you? Yeah, that’s unemployment! Get used to it. That’s going to be wafting around for a while now. You consciously decided to play the part of yourself as vice president to a president that was a former thug. That’s the role of a lifetime! And that’s just ignoring how badass your character, you, is in the first place. “Keith David: Vice President who has super powers and likes to tear shit up but also has a sensitive side and flaws just like everyone else.” It doesn’t roll of the tongue, but by God, Keith! You can’t just sit here and think you’re going to get away with this. Fans will never want a follow-up to this part; it would be blasphemous. You appeal to every facet of the emotional spectrum here, Keith! It’s like, in getting this role, all of the planets aligned and every single one of them has your face painted on it. No one’s going to give you the disservice of even trying to follow that shit up.

“You consciously decided to play the part of yourself as vice president to a president that was a former thug. That’s the role of a lifetime!” Let’s make this perfectly clear: You’ve done good. You play yourself really, really well in Saints Row IV. There is literally no one else we’d rather have play Keith David but you, Keith David. But this is the end of the road, friend. This is the peak. You’ve upped yourself in every single way. Now, it’s totally possible that you’d think that’s a good thing; that you’re pushing your limits. Well, you have. All the way. Nobody’s going to want any more Keith David because there’s nothing else to get. You’ve done it all, and Saints Row IV was the straw that broke that damn camel. And, honestly

Keith, you’ve been skirting this for quite some time; the attainment of the quintessential Keith David performance, we mean. Some thought you might have pulled it off as the Flame King in Adventure Time, but they were all stoned. Others claimed that your performance as Not-Riddick in The Chronicles of Riddick was your swan song, but then Vin Diesel snapped all of their necks. You never did thank Vincent for that, did you? You should probably do that. Get in touch with him before the darkness of anonymity sets in. Look, Keith, you’re a great guy. You’ve got a winning smile and a dulcet, golden voice. God, that voice. But that’s precisely the problem. By playing yourself in what is arguably the Citizen Kane of videogames… where do you go from there? America (and everywhere else) doesn’t want a more perfect piece. They’re happy with what they got. And, boy, you cut it close before. Remember Mass Effect? How hard that was? People loved Captain Anderson. Your portrayal of the beloved captain and the bacchanal of alien sex in the games made the series a near classic. Just one problem: BioWare made it impossible for the player to get busy with Captain Anderson. Yes, we know, that was extremely upsetting. Seriously, Mass Effect! We’re pretty sure you could have sex with a jellyfish in that game. The injustice on the part of the developers was inexcusable in the eyes of series fans, and the resulting outcry was palpable. We both know what happened to BioWare afterwards. It’s best not to talk about it. Then Volition, the creator of the Saints Row series, picked up the slack in the fourth iteration of their game and allowed the player to woo you, Keith “Motherfuckin’” David. Of course, you refuse the player’s advances, but at least the option is presented. Unfortunately, this means you’ve got nothing left. Once you’ve been offered virtual sex by a player who is most likely some amalgamation of animal cruelty and weird-smelling alcohol, your career has nowhere to go but down. Or, in your case, nowhere at all. It’s like you think people liked Cloud Atlas! Keith, you can’t fall back on that. Tell us, how many dildo bats did Cloud Atlas have? Huh? None of us saw Cloud Atlas, but we’re going to guess very few at best. Saints Row has that in spades. Dildo bats are, like, its hobby. Every punch line in that game is a dildo bat. And it’s that kind of Grade-A humor that made yours a household name, and then immediately banished it into obscurity.

Disco Godfather

We’re sorry, Keith, but you really did this to yourself. By accepting and successfully playing such a perfect role, you’ve ruined the rest of your life. Movies can’t take you back. Video games certainly won’t take you back. Really, they’re doing you a favor. Better to be snuffed out as a brilliant flame than as a dying spark.

My Mom’s New Boyfriend


The Black Sheep Interviews

A Magician! The Black Sheep: How did you first get interested in magic, and what led to it becoming your career? Kevin Viner: From the time I was five years old I knew the direction I wanted to go. By the time I was eight or nine it was still what I wanted to do, so as far as I can remember it's been a passion of mine. TBS: What did you focus on when you were in school, knowing all you wanted to be was a magician? Kevin: Sports and everything came really easy to me because I realized that if I studied and worked hard it freed up time to do other things. I went to UC Irvine and studied math, because even though I'm in entertainment, I do a lot of corporate events. People have this misconception about being a magician, magic’s going to get you all the girls, magic’s going to be amazing and all this stuff. In corporate America people hear I’m a magician and think I do magic because it was my only choice, instead of thinking about how I do magic because I enjoy it. I knew I needed an education, because if you're performing for a room full of executives and can't hold your own, it's really detrimental. TBS: Did you start as an apprentice, or did you read books? How did you learn the trade? Kevin: I read a lot of books. My parents would take me down to the magic shop and pick up a lot of books when I was a kid, and I would study them front to back. And as my reading level increased, the more books I read. I didn't have a "mentor" until a few years ago. The guy works with Harvard and MIT doing lectures, but his day job is a magician. He's been really helpful these last few years in refining my act, but other than that it was really self-taught. TBS: Is there some sort of magician union, or is it every man for himself? Kevin: There’s a place in Hollywood called the Magic Castle, which is sort of a mecca for magicians. I started going to the Magic Castle when I was probably fifteen for classes and performing. I would go up there once month and meet with a young fraternity of other magicians who were interested in the same things. I met a lot of friends and learned from other people, but at the same time, I almost felt a little ostracized from the group because we didn’t share a whole lot of interests outside of magic. I tend to rely on myself now, because I've been doing it long enough that I don't need to learn any new grand ideas, since I know my base routines and can improvise off that. I used to hang out with a lot of magicians, but now I really hang out with five to ten really close friends who are in the magic community. TBS: Are there things you want to do in your act that you might not have the financial backing for? Kevin: It's very similar to any start-up company because you have to spend money to make money. So you could sit down with an idea and know you can do the trick, but will a corporation pay for you to do the extra trick? So if I have an idea that I know people would spend another $10,000 for, then sure I'd spend that money to get a return on that investment.

This week we interviewed Kevin Viner, a magician, because outside of Gob we really don’t know what it’s like to be a full-time magic man. Kevin primarily performs at corporate events, does some college mind-reading tours, and can be reached on Twitter at @KevinViner and OfficialKevinViner on Facebook. No matter what you learn from this, always remember that a trick is something a whore does for money.

By: Brendan and Quinn

TBS: So, how much of your time is spent on working up new ideas, as opposed to performing? Kevin: That really depends on the day or week, like right now I'm in this crazy creative mode since during summer a lot of stuff tends to die down with both the corporate and college crowds. Then going into the winter things get crazy again. I've got companies booking me ahead of time for repeat business, so I don't need to focus on that side of things. A lot of the job is just a lot of reading and researching, hoping an idea will come to you, since you can get sort of a writer's block on ideas. TBS: What happens when something goes wrong? Kevin: When stuff happens — and it does, that's just a fact — there's not a lot you can do. Fortunately my style of performing lends itself well to this, but if you're David Copperfield and you're on stage and you really mess up a trick, you’re kind of shit out of luck. I do a lot of comedy on stage too, so my approach is if I can treat the audience to a good laugh after something doesn't work right, the more they're going to be on my side and they won't care. A well-placed one-liner improvised on the spot is always a pretty good cover-up. TBS: When you see other magicians do their tricks, is it easy for you to know what they're doing, or is there an aura of mystery still? Kevin: I pretty much know exactly what's going on since magicians are doing riffs on the same things. The stuff that fools me the most (and this is the same with audiences) is unexpected stuff. So if you know if a lady is going to float you're looking for strings or whatever, but if instead the lady turns into two ladies and then they disappear, you're caught off guard and it's a lot less likely that you'll figure it out. So that's an advantage magicians have in performing for regular audiences, we call them lay people, they don't know what's coming most of the time -- even with classic tricks. TBS: How often do you encounter unruly audience members? Kevin: Some people just want their voice to be heard because they're a high powered lawyer in LA, don't pay attention, and just want to be an alpha dog in the room; these guys don't really bother me, I can handle them pretty well. I've learned from a lot of different stand up comics on how to maintain character, shut the heckler up, and keep the audience on my side. So when it comes to hecklers, I’m able to get them to settle down by being really nice to them in the beginning, figure out a way to deflect or involve them, and then slowly get meaner and meaner as the situation allows, and as the audience turns against them as well. TBS: What is the hierarchy in magic, how do you go from a stage performer to having TV specials or Vegas specials, things like that? Kevin: First, it's a jump you really have to want. If you go to Vegas to do a show you'd need a talent promoter to bring you in, or you’d have to rent the theater and market it out yourself — and those shows almost always fail. If you really want to start doing TV you have to make yourself known in LA and around the Magic Castle. I have a talent agent as well as being part of different casting agencies.

You also have to realize in the big showrooms you won't necessarily be making as much money. There's two paths to take: the business approach where you go after weddings and the corporate events, that's where the money is, and you'll be able to make $5060 grand in a year and work your way up to six figures even. But if you want to make it big time, you do the Vegas night club circuit and the comedy clubs that only pay $100 a night, and it's a grind, so you've got to want it badly. That stuff doesn't really interest me as much because I like doing the corporate events, so it's doubtful you'll ever see my name on a Vegas billboard. TBS: When you see the big magicians do they have access to resources that put them on another level? Kevin: Let's take David Blaine, and look at his special — you see him do the routine where he walks up to random strangers and asks their name. Then all of a sudden a taxi cab drives by with the name painted on the side. The thing is, there's more to that picture, which I won't get into, but there's more to that picture than what you're seeing, so with that stuff I know what's going. But then there's stuff that's just like, you know what's going on, barring some CGI work I know what's going on, how it works, and sometimes it's freakin' brilliant! I take most issue when a performer is levitating, and on TV you see them go four feet off the ground, but live the spectators are only seeing them go three inches off the ground. Now the spectator's reaction is real, but for the people at home it is much different. To me, that's when it gets a little stupid. Don't do that, have a better skill set to do better magic. But then the question becomes who wouldn't do the same thing? You can't really complain about someone who has a multimillion-dollar TV contract calling the shots.


Bartender of the Week Blake of Tiger Town Tavern Relationship Status: Single Major: Environmental & National Resources Favorite Drink: Busch Light Favorite Shot: Orange tequila Disgusting Drink: A bodyshot of rum from the fine ladies at “The Elite.”

What do you think those corporate fat cats are up to?: Watching the Steve Jobs documentary and enjoying their wives’ fake boobs.

Where would you rather be right now?: Driving Dabo Swinney’s wife around.

Do you think you could take a bobcat in a fight? Why or why not?: I could definitely take a bobcat in a fight because I’m cunning, fashionable, stronger than your father, and I fucking love America.

What drink is the biggest pain in the ass to make?: Anything frozen. When and where was the last time you involuntarily saw someone naked?: Last spring when my friend Tommy fell asleep beneath the beerpong table on his birthday. If you could be a mythical creature, what would it be and why?: I’d be a centaur because then I’d be hung like a horse.

Describe how you feel about yourself in five words: Where the white women at?

What TV show are you most excited to have back?: It’s gotta be How I Met Your Mother. Describe this bar in hashtags: #TurntUp , #BlackoutOrBackout, #OldPeopleLikePBRtoo, #GoodFatesOnly, #Tradition Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because President Barker reads it on the toilet every morning.

Recipe for disaster

Drinking Game Liar’s Dice

Big Boy Chili

We all lie, whether it’s to our parents as to why we’re so tired, or to our friends as to why making out with that uggo was a totally reasonable thing to do. Translate that love for deceit into a game of gambling: Liar’s Dice.

It’s football season, bitches. If you’re not out standing in the stadium, cheering on your team like a MAN, then you better be inside in front of the TV with a six pack and a tub of chili. Oh, no chili? We got you covered.

What You’ll Need: Six dice per player, one opaque cup per player, some beer. Number of Players: 2+ Level of Intoxication: You’ll be asking what’s the haps on the craps (in your pants). How to Play: • The object of the game is to be the last player with any dice left. • Each player rolls a die. The highest score will be the first person to act for the first hand. Each hand first to act rotates left of this person. • Now, each player uses the cup to shake up his or her dice. Each player places the cup top-down on the table. Each player secretly looks at his dice. Twos through sixes are worth face value. Ones are wild. • The first player to act must make a bet on the number and quantity of the set of dice on the table. For example, a bettor can claim “there are four sixes at the table.” • The player to the left of the first bettor may do one of three things: • Increase the number of total dice on the table (raising four sixes to seven sixes, for example). • Increase the dice value (Raise three twos to three threes). • Challenge (Stop play, dice are revealed to see if the most recent bettor wins or loses). • If a challenge occurs and there are equal or greater numbers of dice on the table than the last bettor (including wilds), he or she wins. If there is less than the total number of gambled dice on the table, the challenger wins. • The loser of the challenge removes a die and drinks for three seconds. The Game Ends When: Only one player has any dice left. Great, you won. Now head to confession, sinner.

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What You’ll Need: Oil, a crockpot, a frying pan, ground beef, a can of diced tomatoes, 4 cans of kidney beans, a can of tomato paste, chopped onions, a can of beef broth, chili powder, sliced hot dogs, brown sugar and garlic. Cook Time: About 3 hours, be patient. Fatty Factor: MEN DON’T COUNT CALORIES. Let’s Get Baked: • In the frying pan, break up and cook the ground beef in a little oil until it is browned. • Turn on your crockpot to medium heat and add in the beef and hot dog slices with the tomatoes, tomato paste, half of your beans and beef broth. • Cover the pot and let the chili simmer for about an hour. • Add in the remainder of ingredients (the other half of the beans, onion, chili powder, brown sugar and garlic) and continue to let the chili cook on the low setting, covered for another hour and half. • Taste test! Make sure it’s hot and flavored nicely. If not, make the adjustments. YOU BETTER HAVE YOUR WOMAN MAKE THIS FOR YOU.

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How to avoid The m.i.p. By: Courtney Paul You’re sweating in the hazy glow of harsh, flashing neon lights, shining down on hundreds of less-thansober co-eds grinding as if, eventually, their moves might just dissolve the clothes separating them if the friction is strong enough. That song, the one your mother insists is “so degrading to women,” has graced the speakers, and the girl you’ve been partnered with for the last hour has finally let her daddy issues coerce her into assuming the three-point stance. You thank your lucky stars, one hand on her back, the other bringing your beer to your mouth for one great victory sip. Yet the victory is short-lived, killed by three simple words: “Cops are here.” If you just visibly shuddered at the scenario above, then you live in the whirlwind of illicit activity that has swept the nation’s college campuses since the dawn of time: underage drinking. And those pesky men and women of SLED and CUPD don’t seem to think it’s as fun of a lifestyle as we do. So, to avoid their fancy words, shiny handcuffs, and lengthy paperwork, The Black Sheep compiled some tips to escape their wrath. Take advantage of the foliage: Think back to your campus tour. Your guide pointed out Clemson’s beautiful landscape; it’s teeming with trees, bushes, tall grasses, and the like. While your guide probably mentioned hiking and camping as popular ways to take advantage of the nature, we’d argue that their use as a camouflaged hiding place is much more commonplace. So, sneak out the back door and turn that fraternity party into a field party of sorts. After all, the officer can’t see the glow of your liquor-stained neon ensemble underneath all those leaves. Play dumb: This works particularly well for the ladies of Clemson. As soon as the blushing officer takes a look at that gorgeous orange dress, those dusty cowboy boots, and your completely innocent tearstained eyelash-batting, you’ll be walking away with a “strict warning” in no time at all. Besides, you had no idea the punch was spiked; the taste of gasoline mixed with cough syrup was certainly no indication. Use the ol’ clear liquor in a water bottle trick: What officer would dare oppose your efforts to stay hydrated during evening events? If he has the gall to ask to inspect your innocent Ozarka bottle, go ahead and take a few swigs. He’ll either miss the stench, which resembles a substance between rubbing-alcohol and nail polish remover, and believe your story, or he’ll be so intimidated by your ability to chug straight vodka that he is forced to leave you be. Either way, you win.

Be confident: It sounds cliché, but it’s your best weapon in a sticky situation. Shower the officer with enough sirs to please the toughest of pledge educators. Pull out some fancy lingo from that one prelaw class you took freshman year or maybe even from the latest episode of Law & Order if you’re feeling more theatrical. Threaten him with the names of your father’s business partners, who all just happen to be attorneys and politicians. You can leave out the fact that those attorneys work primarily in the animal abuse department and that the politicians are merely treasurers of the school board. Lying by omission isn’t really lying, right? By the end of your spiel, you’ll be sending the officer home with a tender embrace and your dearest sentiments. With these pointers at play, the aforementioned scenario isn’t a defeat just yet. You can still have that sip. You can still get that girl. In fact, once it’s all said and done, you can chug that beer and offer to show that girl your “aquarium upstairs.” Because you’ve avoided the M.I.P. and that deserves some serious celebration.

Pregnant? We Can Help! Birthright of Clemson birthrightsc.com 654-3377

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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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Welcome Back, Students!

Clemson - Issue 2 - 9/5/2013  

Clemson - Issue 2 - 9/5/2013

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