Volume 1, Issue 2 | 9/08/11 - 9/29/11 | WWW.THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
College Happy Hour: Showing up downtown at 5:00 and enjoying a few $2 Long Islands so you don’t end up spending money when shit gets expensive. Real Happy Hour: Bitching about how boring your 9-5 life is, while sipping pansy cocktails. Out there in corporate America it’s not uncommon for a stressed-out co-worker to make a half-assed comment about how life is “so hard” and they “really need a drink after work.” The solution? Happy hour. Reality check: this should be called “unhappy hour” because no one does anything but maybe sip an Appletini and complain about how boring life is and how they can’t get laid. Gone are the days of finding a few quarters in your pocket and knowing it would be enough to have you feeling great by dinner. Actually no, you can probably still pull this off, but it’s way less socially acceptable.
e. fin ..like d e sw ver ag yt fro hin m g o us n P if y age ou 14! can
college: the final fun-tier
In reality, we all go to college to make lifelong friends, get sloshed, and spend four — or more if you’re doing it right — years taking advantage of the fact that we’re young, dumb, and have no real sense of responsibility (that’s what Tom Petty told me, at least). And by some mode of osmosis or crazy phenomenon, we end up learning a few things in this golden era. But, as we’ve heard so many times before, not everything people tell you is true (unless it’s on Wikipedia, then take it as law). So before you start prepping for the “real world,” I figured I’d crush any sense of hope you may have for life outside of Blacksburg. Once you’re out of here life alters radically—and other than having actual money, it’s not for the best. For some of you, this is going to be a sad and painful realization - so grab some tissues, a case of Natty, and read on:
Liz McDonald wrote this College Commuter: Anyone who thinks riding the bus is for freshman, but still lives less than two miles away. Real Commuter: Someone who has to wake up at the asscrack of dawn to make it to their boring 9-5 life at an acceptable hour. Consider this a fair warning — in the real world stalking people for parking spaces is totally unacceptable. Pulling the whole “Hey! I’ll give you a ride to your car!” scam in order to find a parking spot? Have fun getting sprayed with mace and probably arrested for being freaking creepy. You might as well put ‘FREE CANDY’ on the side of your car and see what happens. When I tried to explain the concept of a commuter parking pass to the people at my internship, they were very confused as to why I would live so far from the school that I had to commute. When I told them I was a commuter that lived less than a mile away, they looked at me like I had a third boob. College Date: Hooking up with some random guy in Pritchard while trying to: a.) Hope no one hears you and b.) Not fall off of the loft. Real Date: From what I’ve heard, sometimes conversation is involved... This is undoubtedly the most painful post-college realization. The odds of meeting your next girlfriend by waking up next to her after a toga party gone wrong? Slim to none. Finding your next “lover” by trawling Lee Street? Not so likely anymore. From what I’ve heard, you’re actually expected to meet sober, and talk…and...stuff. What, don’t think this is the lifestyle for you? Wanna keep living the dream? Good luck, because the
04: the 12 faces of bud foster don’t worry, we love each and every one of them!
walk-of-shame technique gets so much more difficult when you live in a city, or don’t have a nerdy roommate to come pick your sorry ass up. Sorry bros and hoes - I know this realization must be super depressing. My suggestion? Start watching shitty romantic comedies and practicing awful pick-up lines...you’re going to need them. College “Wednesday”: Fat chance, you’ve been out since Thursday. Real “Wednesday”: A day between Tuesday and Thursday. And you still have to work. When you’re getting paid, you’re expected to show up. And there’s like, “consequences,” if you don’t. You can’t stalk a timetable to make sure you don’t have to work MWF. Not only that, but people won’t even understand the concept of going out on a Tuesday. I can already picture one of the office ladies looking at you like a talking Twinkie: “Where can you get liquor on Tuesday night? Applebees?” Yeah, people are going to actually adhere to this “Weekends are only Saturday and Sunday” bullshit. No, I don’t get it either. Even if you do laugh in the face of danger and decide to bear it alone - sunglasses and sweatpants don’t work in the office. Neither does vomiting in the bathroom and both of these activities get way less impressive when you’re the only one taking part. Adios, bragging rights. Depressed yet? Killed the Natty? Good, because once you get to the real world, that won’t be acceptable either.
05: ninja kitchen we find out the truth about this amazing place.
13: we interview kids these days sadly they are 18 and cooler than us.
Top 10: Pre-Exam Party Songs You gotta get in the mood, right?
The Bar Grid We’re all broke, so let’s check out some specials.
Jersey Chasers Trying to spot one? Here’s what to look for...
Sex and the U: The trials and tribulations of sexiling...
Getting Your Ass in Shape Better take our advice and control that Freshman 15..
New Show Breakdown Here’s what you “should” be watching this fall.
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The Twelve Faces of Bud Foster ty hodges wrote this Let’s be honest for a second. Bud Foster is what we, in Hokie Nation, like to call as a complete and total badass. There are no two ways about it. Foster wears his emotions on his sleeve and everyone around Blacksburg knows it. The amount of energy and emotion he expends during every game is astounding. Maybe the best part of all of Foster’s fervor, besides the consecutive 10-win seasons of course, is the facial expressions that come out during a game. So without further ado, we present the 12 faces of Bud Foster! The Serial Killer: This is about as happy as you will ever see Bud Foster. I know what you’re thinking though, “But dude, if Bud Foster is happy here why is this called ‘the serial killer?’” You want your answer? Take a good long look into those eyes and tell me you didn’t just wet your pants in fright. Bud Foster smiling is like UVA winning an important football game, it just doesn’t look right. The Professor: Bud Foster is smarter than you and we all know it. As Foster stands beside one of his defensive plays, he exudes a look of intelligence and badassness. His corner blitz is lethal (Which just so happens to be the play drawn up) and so is he. If you’re a wimp, Foster can teach you how to kick ass and take names, minus the taking names part. The Maniac: This is the look of a man who is lost in his insanity. Bud Foster has been known to lose his mind a couple of times per quarter and this face bears the results. This picture was taken in an interview though, so clearly his mania isn’t restricted to the field. This is not a man you want to cross in the mental ward. The Peacemaker: This picture is an enigma. Bud Foster seems legitimately happy and joyful here. As Foster throws up the peace sign to an onlooker with a camera, one starts to wonder if there is a heart in there after all.
The Warmonger: WRONG! Bud Foster doesn’t play that mushy-mushy garbage, he will merk bitches and get riches. Bud Foster resumes his badass image by chewing the hell out of one of his players. This might be his most popular look because frankly he’s always chewing somebody out.
The Bitch Please: Bud Foster is too cool to look at the camera or interviewer after a big win. Why the hell should he care if some guy from ESPN Radio wants to ask him questions? He’s Bud Freakin’ Foster! It should also be known that immediately after this shot was taken the look changes back into “The Warmonger” after two of his players dump Gatorade on his head.
“The Sad Panda” – This is a rare look so don’t get used to seeing it very often. This photo was taken during his post-game interview after the 2011 Orange Bowl. We won’t say any more because there is nothing more that needs to be said.
The Foster Fist: This is one way Foster motivates his players. In this candid shot, Foster is demonstrating to one of his players how far Foster’s foot will be up the player’s ass if he doesn’t wrap up the ball carrier next time. You better believe that tackle was made during the next rep. Spanking The Monkey: In reality this is Bud Foster telling one of his players to hurry the hell onto the field, but it’s much more fun to imagine that Bud Foster is airspanking one of his players to motivate him. There’s nothing like a good ass pat to get hyped for the next play. The Father Figure: This is Bud Foster’s inner parent coming out. He is looking at one of his players with the “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” look. A missed tackle led to a big play prior to that look. The player who missed the tackle, having seen “the father figure” is motivated to make “Daddy Foster” proud! The next play resulted in a 7-yard sack. Heartwarming. The Onlooker: Bud Foster is watching his players prepare for an ass whooping. This is the Blacksburg equivalent of those photos of people looking longingly out to sea alone on a beach. The former is awesome; the latter is bitch-made. Foster don’t play that homie!
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Blacksburg’s Best Kept Secrets: Ninja Kitchen
Karate Chopping Hunger in the Face
You may or may not know, but the best way to prepare for a test is to stop studying an hour prior to the exam. Once that hour mark hits: put on this playlist, sit back, sip on a Bud Light, and wait until it’s time to put the pencil to the paper. Here’s our pre-exam playlist that should be playing through your ear buds all through Hell Week.
Blair Corbin wrote this The golden hours between midnight and 2AM hold countless munching opportunities for potentially-inebriated undergraduates at Virginia Tech. However, there may be none that can compare to the fabled “Ninja Kitchen.” This VT urban legend is a nameless, faceless organization started by a few fraternity brothers on our campus. Picture “Anonymous,” but instead of douchey computer nerds spouting off anarchic nonsense, they’re sending hot fire to your door. Ninja Kitchen is able to maintain its elite secrecy by maintaining a limited client base; they even changed their phone number a few months back because too many people became involved. Sorry for the free advertising, bros. There are a few rules to the Ninja Kitchen: 1. They only take cash. No exceptions. 2. They deliver your food in a ninja costume. 3. They exchange the food for cash in complete silence. 4. They run between the hours of 10PM and 4AM. 5. Brothers get priority delivery. The Menu: The Boarder Jumper, $8.00: A monster quesadilla packed with chicken tenders, queso sauce, cheddar cheese, bacon strips, macaroni and cheese, and “your choice of salsa or BBQ sauce.” Add pepperoni for $1.00. The Volcano, $6.00: Six piping hot meatballs loaded into a hoagie roll topped with our special volcano sauce. The Silent Killer, $8.00 (comes with two): Two fried eggs, bacon, cheddar cheese, more cheddar cheese, and karate sauce (BBQ sauce, mayo, garlic powder, and pepper) crammed into a whole wheat bagel.
10.“We Will Rock You,” Queen: This song was featured in D3, arguably the best Mighty Ducks movie of the trilogy. The Mighty Ducks never lost a championship and told their private school teachers to shove off when they tried to give the team exams. Do you need any further reasoning? Sounds like every drunken man’s dream, right? Tons of meats, cheeses and breads—none of that fruits and vegetables crap— crammed into a bun, a bagel, or a tortilla. I was given this majestic phone number and received an email with the menu of this little slice of heaven by a blacked out frat star. He and his roommates run the operation out of their apartment. Health codes? Never heard of them. Regrets? None. The most compelling thing about Ninja Kitchen, easily, is their anonymity. Who are these culinary karate choppers, and what makes them work? Why do they forsake nights out on the town to cook and deliver delightful food for the masses who so desperate want to get full and get sleeping? If and when these masters of the dark culinary arts graduate, will they pass their profitable (?) business onto some pledge ninja? Goddamn, we hope so. Unfortunately, to get a piece of this action you need to know the right people, or more appropriately, be around the right people after they’ve had a few too many. Good luck finding them, if you can get a hold of the digits you can expect a delightful ninja star of taste right into the stomach. Everyone knows ninjas rule, who knew their kitchen would be even cooler?
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9.“Long Hair, Don’t Care,” Radical Something: #LHDC is my life motto, and it’s especially my exam motto. All in all, a test ain’t nothing but a hair flip and this song is the perfect mellow jam to get you in the right stress-free mindset. 8.“Livin’ on a Prayer,” Bon Jovi: This is for the kids who didn’t study whatsoever before their exam. You may not have studied, but luckily your best friend did and if you give him a six pack he’ll probably let you sit next to him. Take his proverbial hand and you’ll make it through…you may end up with a D, but D’s get degrees, right? 7.“Juicy,” Notorious B.I.G.: The fact that the intro says “This album is dedicated to all the teachers that told me I’d never amount to nothin,’” is reason enough for it to make this list. And then of course, Biggie comes in with a dope chorus telling his listeners to reach for the stars. It doesn’t get any more inspirational than that, my friends. 6. “Dream On,” Aerosmith: Nothing says “time to sex down this test” like Steven Tyler telling you to keep on dreaming. Ohhhh and when that song finally drops? If you don’t get up out of your seat and spill a little bit of your brewski, you’re the only one in the world. He even talks about books! Seriously, this song is a musthave for your pre-test playlist. 5.“You Shook Me All Night Long,” AC/DC: This song is ideal if you just pulled an all-nighter for your test. Those statics homework problems literally shook you all night long and now it’s time to show them who’s boss. There’s a common misconception that this song is about a sex, but really? It’s about making that test his bitch. Consider this playlist your cool down after the all-nighter before you get back in the ring to take another swing. That test may have shook you all night long, but time to show it who’s really boss. 4.“I’m on One (Remix),” KillaGraham: If this shit doesn’t get you pumped up, I don’t know what will. I don’t even like the womp, but this makes me want to go into my exam, rip it into two pieces, and tell the professor “ALL I CARE ABOUT IS MONEY,” then walk out. Said professor would be so shocked, I’d get an A for entertainment. 3.“Chariots of Fire,” Vangelis: This song has barely any words and when you’re listening to it, you can’t help but feel like you’re about to burst through the doors, get an A on your exam, and then rip off your breakaway pants in a fiery bout of happy-rage.
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2.“I Believe I Can Fly,” R. Kelly: Yeah, yeah, yeah, so the dude’s made some questionable decisions in the past and we’re not just talking about Parts 1-14 of Trapped in the Closet. But you cannot deny that this song, literally, makes you want to soar. This is the perfect song to fit in a little bit of last minute selfconfidence before that scantron owns your face. 1. “Eye of The Tiger,” Survivor: This song should be last thing you hear in your head before walking Ifor your exam. Seriously, your adrenaline is pumping (possibly from the massive intake of Red Bull) and your confidence is high. Even if you fail the test, your swag is going to convince the prof that you deserved an A anyway. our awesome staff Wrote This
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“Sammy! Hey! Please give me another chance to try out some more pick up lines! One of them is bound to work!” Hey Justin, remember when you punched a hole in the wall? And then that guy one up’d you with an elbow in the wall! - Dave Dude Jason! Remember when you got drunk and started playing real life Fruit Ninja?! That was really weird. Samantha Steve, thanks for the free showing. Watching you get beat up and arrested on that guy’s lawn was amazing. - The roommates that hate you. Owais! I stole your tie way too many times last night! Sorry, but at least you got to use it on me later? -Steph Dear strange guy in apartment 7, thanks for being so inviting and letting us crash at your place while our lost friend turned up...and for the pizza. - apt 5 William, you definitely learned your lesson to not blow a whistle at a cop past midnight...sorry for running away. -Chris Matt, next time you decide to play drunken target practice with a bow and arrow, try not using my door as your target. Thanks. -Jake Dear Jenny, please forgive me for the vomit under your pillow! When I’m drunk and throw up, I try and hide things...-Meg
SEX and the u
Dorm life can be awkward. Whether you’re living with your best friend since second grade or a sketchy, sweaty random from out-of-state, cramming lofts, desks, mini fridges, and microwaves into 102x114 square foot room gets pretty tight, pretty quick. But even after your sense of personal space diminishes, what do you do when your instincts take over and the need for total privacy becomes necessary? Yeah, that’s right – I’m talking about sex. If you thought hooking up on a twin-sized bed was bad, just think about how you’re going feel when your roommate and his study group walk in on your O-face. No one wants to climax in front of the person they share a bottle of mouthwash with (don’t act like you’ve never taken a swig of his bottle because you forgot to buy your own) – and because of that I’ve outlined the art of sexiling for all you kids doing it on campus.
gett ing sexiled
First off, let’s set shit straight – to sexile is to exile your roommate, from your dorm room, so you can have sex. Sounds simple, but let’s be honest – if he has a key, he’s going to open that door whether you’re in, on, or off the girl that sits two rows up from you in freshman bio. But there is hope – and you do have options – choose wisely and rest assured that your “study sessions” will remain undisturbed all semester long. Rubber bands and hair ties on the doorknob won’t work. One, your roommate won’t notice them. Two, if you’re reading this article, don’t count on your roommate being old enough to know what that method means – it’s outdated and easy to miss. If tequila makes your clothes fall off, think of how well it helps your roommate to notice tiny little details on the doorknob when he’s blacked out. Try something that he’s really going to notice – I’m talking Vaseline on the doorknob, or try stealing a big orange cone and posting it up outside your door – nothing says “Do Not Enter” like sticky hands and stolen construction items. Socks and other bigger items of clothing are always classic alternatives, but you’re going to have to make them stick – the 102th way duct tape is useful – tape your clothing item-ofchoice over your knob to secure your smush sessions, any time
Sophia P. wrote this
of day. A code word works wonders as well. Before you let four inches of bliss slide down your love tunnel, write some cryptic message to your roommate on your door’s whiteboard. It should be something simple and immediately recognizable, like something you hate doing. A note that reads “Jill, I’m protesting with the Tea Partiers.” should let her know, in secret, that you’re up to something completely different. It’s also always smart to incentivize the person who is the gatekeeper that’s keeping you locked out of pound town. My roommate freshman year was a fan of the peace offerings; she would always leave me a snack – or the remnants of her late night Burger King visits outside our door. I’d take the bait and munch happily while I waited for her to let me back in. Bottom line – communication is key – don’t count on text messages or class schedules to give you the window you need to do the deed. If the thought of writing “SEX IN PROGRESS” doesn’t sit well with you (because really, who can get some ass with 11 sets of hall mates dry-humping your door, making animal noises?) then you’re going to have to outline rules so that you and your roommate both understand what to look for and what it means.
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WorkinG on Your Fitness our staff wrote this If you’re anything like me, the first time you ever heard some workout tips that sounded like fun was Kayne’s Workout Plan or the White Woman Workout.Well, I sat down with Jocy from New Tech Fitness today and chatted about how the hell college kids can get their asses in gear (especially with the infamous freshman 15 starting hit all of us, freshman or not). If you haven’t met Jocy, you should. She’s like a super bounceyball (like the kind you always tried to fit into your mouth as a kid, but never could) and is always, always, always moving. Here’s some advice from her: Count. You learned how to do this like 18 years ago. Use it. Count calories. Here’s a tip: One pound is 3500 Calories. Here’s another tip: that West End Quesadilla you’re currently grubbing on is 1539 Calories. Breakdown? That means 102 West End Quesadillas is the entirety of the freshman 15. What’s that? It’s the 3rd week of school and you’ve already eaten 30 of them? Well, then. If you’re putting more shit in your mouth than what you’re sweating (or…um…shitting) out —you’re GAINING weight. Figure out your rest metabolic rate and put it to good use. Get off the damn scale. The only “scale” you need to track your progress is whether or not your ass is hanging out the back of your jeans. If you’re not mooning the general public, then you need to be hitting the gym harder. If you are hanging out the back of your jeans, then congratulations, you dropped a size and can celebrate with a new pair jeans. See, not only do you get to look good, but you get to buy new clothes. Nice. Walk with a Purpose. Pretty much 80% of our readers thing they have swag (I won’t comment on how many of you actually do), if you think you have it, then use it. Walk like you have a place to be. Our campus is a whopping 3,000 acres, which is plenty of space for you little kiddies to run around and burn some energy. For those of you who actually attend classes, walk with a purpose. Walk faster, take longer strides, and hold your damn belly in while you do it so your ab muscles know what they should feel like: Every little bit counts. If all else fails, get a giant game of hide-and-seek going so you can run around and explore the rest of campus.
Make a Friend. There are services for this kind of challenge online, but you go to a school with well over 20,000 kids so hopefully you can stay off of ChatRoulette (even if your face isn’t showing, we know it’ you). Find yourself a friend and hold one another accountable. It should probably be the same kind of friend that you have NO problem forcing out to the bars any night of the week. If you can do that, then you can guilt them into a trip to the gym with ease (those Jager bombs don’t burn themselves off). Abs like The Situation. Notice I said “abs like The Situation,” not “STDs like The Situation.” Your core is the center of your body, so treat it well. A good core means an overall healthier body, better posture (yes girls, hold that jank up towards the Chandelier), and will generally make you a better looking person. Essentially, we all need to step our game up. If you’re only lifting at the gym, you should be stretching and working on your flexibility, too (for more reasons than one). If you’re avoiding the gym at all costs, you’re an idiot and If you’re eating like a ravenous t-rex because you worked out last week, then drop and give me twenty.
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Jock Itch: Your Guide to a Jersey Chaser staff wrote this Women come in all shapes and sizes, and for different occasions. Summer brings toned, tanned girls in bikinis, tank tops, and flirty dresses. The winter variety consists of snow bunnies in spandex pants, down vests, and girls in killer boots. In the spring, the warm weather signals the return of day drinkers, slip-and-slide participants, and spring break gym goers. But what most people don’t know is that there is a particular species of girl that stays consistent through the seasons and one that everyone should know how to spot. This girl is known as a jersey chaser. First, we need to tackle what exactly a jersey chaser is: jersey chasers are girls who can be found at every sporting event and knows a little too much about the sport. She can usual be seen pointing out members of the team she has “met,” but that’s just code word for her touching their junk. They typically only go after the moneymakers like footballers, basketballers, and baseballers, often in the hopes that they will be famous so they can jump on the bandwagon. How can you spot a jersey chaser? It’s easy; if a girl falls into these 5 categories, watch out athletes, she’s only after one thing. (Hint: It’s your dick.) 1. She uses descriptors to identify them rather than names, these descriptors can be their jersey numbers or sometimes their position. If they did something notable in their last game, she’ll probably mention that too. Or, if the jersey chaser’s a total ho, she won’t even know that, she’ll describe him as “that tall muscular guy…you know the one! Um, he plays a sport here!” Example: “Who was that guy you hooked up with last night?” “He’s on the football team; number 19…caught the game winning touchdown last week.” 2. She attempts to flock to the best players on the team. What do the MVP of the football, basketball, and baseball team have in common besides their athletic abilities? They have all hooked up with that girl. What else do they have in common? Because of it, herpes! Let’s go Ron Mexico! 3. She stayed here for a summer session, which explains how she “knows” all the athletes that stayed here to train, because for their workout they decided to work her out by running a train on her. It helps that there’s only one dining hall open all summer, exponentially bettering her odds of running into said athletes. 4. More often than not, she’s way out of his league. Ideally, the hottest guys on the team would be the best players so we could enjoy seeing their faces plastered everywhere on campus, but that’s not the case. Years of hard physical contact has marred his face and tore up his body. See that 10 flirting with a 5 who happens to be a potential Heisman Candidate? Jersey Chaser. 5. They always talk about athletes. Seriously, always. If they didn’t just see #5 on their way to class than they ran into #41 in West End. If they weren’t just texting #19, then number #28 just hit them up on Facebook. It never ends. If you’re reading this article and think to yourself, “nah, player X is actually my friend!” but you haven’t ever gotten a sober meal with them then you’re probably a jersey chaser. If you’re thinking that you don’t hate the idea of getting back to that freshlete that hollered at you the other night and you might use this article in reverse, then just remember that everything is okay in moderation!
Bartender of the Week Ron Hypes PK’s Relationship Status: Single and Ready to Mingle Age/Major: Alumni/Marketing Favorite Drink to Make: Draft Beer Guilty Pleasure: Reality TV, I know it’s horrible but I love it. Favorite Customer: Anyone with Big Tips. Best Story: A drunk guy called the cops after we asked him to pay his $4.25 tab, which of course was the price of his Jaegerbomb.. Boxer or Briefs? Boxer Briefs and only Jockey. Favorite Taco Bell Item? Anything under $1.
Oldest Person you Ever Hooked Up with? She was 40….ish. If you could eliminate one food, what would it be? Tofu, that’s not even real food. Have you ever karate chopped anyone? Of course, who hasn’t? But I honestly couldn’t tell you why, which is probably why it happened. If you could rename yourself, what would it be? Max Powers Best Physical Trait? My hair, well it’s at least the most memorable.
recipe for disaster:
Chili-Cheese Frito Wraps
When the going gets tough the going gets hungry, but no one wants to go anywhere. Luckily this recipe can be made with some blurry vision walking into a convenience store and around $10. What You’ll Need: Chili, queso, Chili-Cheese Fritos, hot sauce, flour tortillas. Cook Time: No more than 10 minutes. Fatty Factor: The “recession weight” really starts to sneak up on you! Let’s Get Baked: - Put the chili in a pan on the stove-top, and cook until warm (about 5 minutes). - While that’s cooking, put some queso in a bowl and stick that in the microwave to warm up, about 3 minutes. - Once those are both warm, stick the tortilla in the microwave just to warm it a bit. - Once warmed, put a couple spoonfuls of chili and queso in the tortilla. - Lightly crush up a palm-full of Chili-Cheese Fritos and put those on top. - Garnish with hot sauce. - Roll up like a burrito and starting nomming.
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If you’re feeling fanciful, add any of these variations; jalapenos, Tabasco sauce, banana peppers, black olives, onions, sour cream, or tequila. You know, anything to make your butthole hate you more in the morning.
New Show Schizo:
Why (and Why not) to Tune in This Fall
Fall TV season is right around the corner, which means a horde of new shows to further amplify America’s obesity issues. We look at 6 new shows and their potential fates. Will they be one-and-done like your mom was last night or will they stick around forever, pleasing our every whim, like your sister? Only time will tell! By: Atish & Brendan
Title: Apartment 23 Starring: Dreama Walker, Krysten Ritter James Van Der Beek Date/Time/Channel: Midseason on ABC Why You Should Watch It: From his cameos in How I Met Your Mother, Franklin and Bash, and even a Ke$ha video, James Van Der Beek doesn’t disappoint. The plot of the show is completely irrelevant (although admittedly awful) since you’ll be focused on Dawson Leary from episode one. Why You Shouldn’t: This show is shaping up to land into the fat middle of television—a show that’s not bad enough to turn off, but not good enough to DVR. Just be wary of falling into Van Der Beek’s head’s gravitation pull, you’ll never escape.
Title: Person of Interest Starring: Jim Caviezel, Michael Emerson Date/Time/Channel: Thursday, 9EST/8CST, CBS Why You Should Watch It: With J.J. Abrams executive producing and one of the Lost actors in the show, it’s going to be both awesome and compelling. If he could turn Felicity and Alias into must-sees, then this one should be just fine. Why You Shouldn’t: The hater in us can begrudgingly admit Person of Interest looks, well, interesting. Still, the overarching plot-- a billionaire who recruits a presumeddead CIA agent to catch violent criminals in New York City—is too far-fetched and not properly defined for our taste.
Title: Terra Nova Starring: Jason O’Mara, Stephen Lang, Shelly Conn Date/Time/Channel: Monday, 8EST/7CST, Fox Why You Should Watch It: It’s like Jurassic Park meets Lost (those episodes centered around the first settlers) mixed with Stargate and some show that has people having sex a lot because they are scared. Winner. Why You Shouldn’t: Terra Nova, with its dystopian future and dinosaurs from millions of years ago is shaping up to be like nacho cheese and lime Jell-o, two awesome individual things that, when mixed together, produce lessthan-optimum results.
Title: Playboy Club Starring: Amber Heard, Jenna Dewan-Tatum, Eddie Cibrian Date/Time/Channel: Monday, 10EST/9CST, NBC Why You Should Watch It: Any show they are boycotting in Salt Lake City and pretty much the entire state of Utah is worth watching. Sure they won’t show you any boobs since it’s on NBC, but after it gets cancelled and picked up as a Direct-TV only show with full nudity, you’re going to wish you were watching from the start. Why You Shouldn’t: This period drama is a pretty obvious Mad Men knockoff, attempting to capture the cool of 1960s casual misogyny. Except it’s on network TV, so all the sexy bits will be toned down. And if Amber Heard isn’t naked, then what’s the point?
Title: How to Be a Gentleman Starring: David Hornsby, Kevin Dillon Date/Time/Channel: Thursday, 8:30EST/7:30CST, CBS Why You Should Watch It: Sure the show is going to suck, but we know it will make one hell of a drinking game. Anytime Kevin Dillion tries to be serious, take a shot. Anytime your little brother can re-enact a scene as Kevin Dillon perfectly, take a shot. You get the idea. Why You Shouldn’t: People, when are we going to stop pretending that Kevin Dillon is great at acting like a mongoloid and just accept the fact that he lucked into the one career when he can succeed despite being an actual mongoloid?
Title: Last Man Standing Starring: Tim Allen, Nancy Travis Date/Time/Channel: Tuesday, 8EST/&CST, ABC Why You Should Watch It: This has to be Tim Allen’s ultimate comeback. I mean, it can’t be any worse than the Santa Clause movies, Joe Somebody, Christmas with the Kranks, The Shaggy Dog, or Wild Hogs…right? Why You Shouldn’t: Last Man Standing is a network sitcom about a guy (Allen) asserting his manhood in a world dominated by women. So basically it’s one doofus dude that wants to do guy things, but his levelheaded wife and sassy teenage daughters won’t let him. Unless this is some sort of meta-satire of the whole sitcom genre (Note: It is not) then how exactly is this different from According to Jim?
Kids These Days
Kids These Days are a bunch of rapscallions from the fine city of Chicago that just so happen to be in a band. Their eclectic style, a mix of soul, hip-hop, jam and funk, made us want to talk to them. Macie, the lady lead, obliged.
Father, Son, Holy Ghost
Honesty is what makes Girls great. The band Girls is not comprised of girls, but is made up of two key members, Christopher Owens, the lead singer, and Chet “JR” White, two boys. Owens, a Texas native, was once a part of the Children of God, essentially a really bizarre religious cult that was notorious for its liberal sexuality and its rumored sexual abuse of young children. His brother died when he was a baby, his father left, and his mother often had to prostitute herself for the sake of the cult. That shit’s so fucked up. It’s no wonder that Owens up and moved to California (under the aid of a local millionaire) and started playing an interesting combination of indie pop and badass rock, basically not giving a damn what genre he or his music fell into. I mean, he named his band Girls. Their sophomore release Father, Son, Holy Ghost starts off with “Honey Bunny” and sounds similar to their last album, which was ever so ironically titled Album. It’s a good tune to start the album off, yet it somewhat misleads the listener; if only the rest of the album could be as happy, upbeat and catchy… but don’t we always want life to be more like that, yadda, yadda, yadda? Owens sings about how girls don’t like his bony body or his dirty hair or the drugs that he’s on, but he knows she’s out there and it’s all going to be okay. The first single from their album, though, is “Vomit,” a six-and-a-half minute song about looking for and needing love, with awesome guitar solos mixed in throughout. It’s an emotional song that borders on whiney and slightly on unoriginality, which is the only
general downfall of the entire album. The upbeat songs are what make this album great, while it’s sad to say that the slow, emotional songs like “My Ma” are what make the album drag on, even though they may be the most honest of the bunch. But just when you’ve had enough, you hear a song like “Die” that is pure, honest rock and makes you understand why Guns N’ Roses was an influence on a young Owens. “Saying I Love You” is a nice 50’s-esque song to the tune of a Buddy Holly or the Beach Boys, and is a good example of an emotional song while still being interesting, and less, you know, emo and whiney. The path Girls is on is a good one, so it’s high time these emo boys started to perk up a bit. Unless that means taking more prescription pills, then it’s not, or if it means that they won’t play as good of music, then it’s not. So perhaps it’s their sincere emotion that makes it all worth the while. Like, no one likes the person that’s always claim to feel good about life. We like the people who are real; one day they’re joyously optimistic about a new guy they’re dating, the next they are crying on your shoulder about how they miss their parents. Though Owens might be paining over something a little more deep, I’d let him cry on my shoulder whenever he’d like. Sounds Like: An even hipper Buddy Holly. Download: Honey Bunny, Saying I Love You, Magic Listen to it When: You’re feeling a little bi-polar.
The Black Sheep: So I know the band is all relatively young, but how old are you? Macie Stewart: I’m 18. TBS: And how old is the oldest person in the band? Macie: I think 19? TBS: That makes me sad. When and how did you guys start getting together? Macie: Well, a few of us went to high school together, and some of us—not me, unfortunately-- went to the Merit School of Music and enjoyed playing music together, so they decided to start a band. They brought in me and [rapper] Vic, because we had all gone to school together. The band started there. TBS: How does a band so young write songs that evoke emotion, when, frankly, you’re lacking a lot of the life experiences your peers have? Macie: Personally, I write ambiguous lyrics drawn from my own experiences, while Vic writes his stuff based on his life, but also what he’s seen living in the city of Chicago. TBS: What have you been a part of that helped you define your vision as a musician? Macie: My mother is a musician and she—in large part—inspired me to write music. She’s good and it inspired me to write my own kind of music. Other artists like Fiona Apple and Metric inspire me to write my own lyrics instead of singing someone else’s. TBS: And with such a large band how do artistic contributions work? Like, how do you guys go about birthing a song? Macie: Sometimes someone will bring in an idea, and we’ll all build off that idea, whether it’s adding horns or a piano part. It’s really organic how we write our music, it’s not like we’re just sitting around saying, “let’s write a song!” TBS: How would you describe your band in 5 words or less. Macie: We have our own sound. TBS: Not bad. Macie: It’s hard to describe, we all have different influences, and we bring them together to create some-
thing new. TBS: Do you ever worry that the eclectic sound you have will come off as unfocused? Macie: No, we play what we like and we play what we think sounds good. If someone thinks we’re unfocused, fuck ‘em. What we do, we do out of love. TBS: How would you describe a live show to someone who hasn’t seen you before? Macie: Crazy, lots of energy, fun and a lot of music. A party at the venue and a party on stage. Shows are the most fun part of this thing, I think. TBS: What’s the most fun show you’ve ever played? Macie: We played the Bele Chere festival in Ashville, North Carolina and it was the most fun I’ve had on stage. The crowd was just great and we were really feeling it. TBS: Do you guys hang out off-stage, or is it more of a “we’re done here, let’s all go our separate ways” kind of thing? Macie: We hang out after rehearsal, because practice is for practicing, and we like each other. TBS: Are you guys prevented from doing certain things because of your youth? Macie: I don’t think it prevents stuff, but sometimes we’ll play a 21+ venue and they’ll treat us like kids, writing huge “X”s on our hands or they won’t let us into the venue because we don’t have a 21+ ID. Shit happens, but there’s been nothing that has, like, totally held us back. TBS: If you could collaborate with any living artist, who would it be? Macie: Stevie Wonder. TBS: If you could pick a mythical creature as a pet, which would it be and why? Macie: That thing from Harry Potter, what’s it called? TBS: A Hippogriff? Macie: Yeah! TBS: If you could replace one part of your body with a robot replacement, what would you do? Macie: My legs, then I could run superduper fast. TBS: Favorite childhood movie? Macie: Mulan.
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ACROSS 5 6 7 9 12 13 14 17 18 20 22
He wears Prada. Lives in the garden. Slips his fat ass down the chimney. Big socks imply a _____ _____. Hides eggs. Naked baby hunter. "Dawn of the Dead." Voldemort's an evil one. Male equivalent of witch. Cries for the Irish. This monster lives in Scotland and probably isn't real. People fish. Sneaky little guys responsible for sabotaging aircraft in one of the movies. Bird that ignites at the end of life. A unibrow would be most appropriate for this guy. Halo heads.
favorite color? 23 Adorable people in "Lord of the Rings." 24 Big furfest; in many Japanese films. 25 Sprinkles magic dust. 26 He was assembled by lots of different parts. DOWN 28 Blue midget. 29 Head of the Greek Gods. 1 I want me lucky charms. 31 Scary character with lots of snot. 2 Salem _____ trials. 33 Beautiful sparkling pony with head 3 Beware of full moon. decor. 4 Live in a rainbow-trimmed, cotton candy cloud. 35 Cutest Pokemon. 36 Napoleon Dynamite's favorite animal. 8 Half man, half bull. 38 Under 4'10" and older than 18. 10 "Family Guy" family. The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, 41 Shrek. 11 Little dolls with jewels in their bellies. 15 Small, mischievous green monster of and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this sorts. publication. The content does not always reflect the views of the staff, it is for 16 Borat wants their tears. entertainment purposes only. Please drink...responsibly and legally. 19 They steer clear of garlic and crosses. 21 I'm Buddy the _____. What's your 39 40 42 43 44
Three wishes. Breathes fire. Human head, horse body. Three-headed dog. Jolly green guy.
scan the code, you’ll like it... 27 30 32 34 37
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1 I want me lucky charms. 2 Salem _____ trials. 3 Beware of full moon. 4 Live in a rainbow-trimmed, cotton candy cloud. 8 Half man, half bull. 10 “Family Guy” family. 11 Little dolls with jewels in their bellies. 15 Small, mischievous green monster of sorts. 16 Borat wants their tears. 19 They steer clear of garlic and crosses. 21 I’m Buddy the _____. What’s your favorite color? 23 Adorable people in “Lord of the Rings.” 24 Big furfest; in many Japanese films. 25 Sprinkles magic dust. 26 He was assembled by lots of different parts. 28 Blue midget. 29 Head of the Greek Gods. 31 Scary character with lots of snot. 33 Beautiful sparkling pony with head decor. 35 Cutest Pokemon. 36 Napoleon Dynamite’s favorite animal. 38 Under 4’10” and older than 18. 41 Shrek.
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5 He wears Prada. 6 Lives in the garden. 7 Slips his fat ass down the chimney. 9 Big socks imply a _____ _____. 12 Hides eggs. 13 Naked baby hunter. 14 “Dawn of the Dead.” 17 Voldemort’s an evil one. 18 Male equivalent of witch. 20 Cries for the Irish. 22 This monster lives in Scotland and probably isn’t real. 27 People fish. 30 Sneaky little guys responsible for sabotaging aircraft in one of the movies. 32 Bird that ignites at the end of life. 34 A unibrow would be most appropriate for this guy. 37 Halo heads. 39 Three wishes. 40 Breathes fire. 42 Human head, horse body. 43 Three-headed dog. 44 Jolly green guy.
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