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The Black Sheep Fre

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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 2, Issue 3 3/01/12 - 3/21/12

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being Spring Broke

Daniel Park wrote this

You’ve been working out that body since Thanksgiving break for this glorious week ahead of us. Whether you’ll be chilling in a Motel 6 a few blocks from the beach, smashing can after can of Milwaukee’s Best Ice or hoteling it up on Miami’s South Beach, sipping a Jameson on the rocks, the week is full of unbridled promise. Hey, maybe you’ve snatched that awesome, irresistible Cancun package deal online. Three words were enough - drinks all-inclusive. Ladies, you have been on that veggie-only diet. Straitjackets go on after 7:30 p.m. and, while you watch your fat, drunk girlfriends inhale taquitos at 2:19 a.m., the simple smell of buffalo chicken fills you up. Men spend their weeknights at the gym, bulking up, trying to outdo one another in their ‘swoll sessions. Both genders are working out their tolerance levels as well, holding weekly group power-hour meetings on the down low. Abs? Check. Tolerance? Check. You’re ready. There are, however, a select few who don’t possess the funds required to fly to Paris this spring. His parents are grinding it out daily to support him; because he loves them so much, the man overreacts when his friends nag him about finances. They are the unfortunate few who work two jobs, attend classes and still can’t afford anything except rent. They have their time off, too. A week’s respite from a few of their obligations. They deserve to have a little bit of fun, but how do they do it? Ah, for them it’s not spring break, it’s spring broke: The Mr. Brightside gathers a group of his closest friends and asks each of them specifically what their spring break budgets are. He adds the numbers and split the costs of

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gas, food and alcohol. Him and three buds throw caution into the wind and carpool to the nearest beach to spend as many nights (and every red cent they have) there until the group budget is depleted. No one’s uncomfortable with the amount they spend because it’s shared, and really, what’s $200 in the long run? It’s like a semester’s worth of parking tickets. The Old Timer knows that fishing costs about $12. He convinces each of his friends to just let go of two Chipotle cravings for a trip to the pier. And hey, they can eat what they catch, even if it’s a cartoonish old boot. He knows he has a friend that owns five fishing rods behind the unfinished wooden shoe rack in his garage. No fishing license? Jump over the pier when the fishing police come by and swim the night away. Be spontaneous. The Closet Broet invites his friends for a few drinks at the local bar. A casual night with spoken word and an open

mic that quickly turns into some hilarious exercise in unintentional comedy when he performs that cheesy slam poetry he’s been hiding in that shoebox since 2003.Yes, your line about feeling like the broccoli of your generation is very poignant. The Ripped Van Winkle spends his entire spring break in the half-baked daze between being really high and lightly napping. When he gets a text message at 3a.m. from his buddy in Panama City Beach he thinks to himself, “man, that guy isn’t going to be well-rested.” Compared to him, no one is. Between loading bowls and eating cereal out of them, Mr. Ripped is only awake for four hours a day. So while you’re lounging on the beach, sipping beer number ten and scoping out some serious eye candy for later, don’t feel bad about the crew you had to leave back at school. They’ll be enjoying their spring broke, wherever it is.

are we talking about sex? maybe. only one way to find out...

Can we go to Disney Land and get ice cream?! Can we? Can we? Can we?

like the chelsea handler, that lunatic taking shots at the bar every second

see page 5

see page 7

see page 10

Gettin’ It Done At Cabell Library

Ugh, What Are We Doing for Break???

Media Stereotypes You Meet on Break


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Table of > > > PAGE 5>>>

The Top Ten Spring Breaker you’ll, you know, meet on spring break...

PAGE 9>>

contents 9

Bartender of the Issue

4 12

Christine lives her life in a fishbowl at The Fish Bowl.

page 10 >>

The Black Sheep Interviews: Good Ole War WE have a good ole’ chat with these philly indie rockers.

page 11 >>

Boom Ba Da Boom Boom, Dead

Treble may take touch, but bass will take your life.

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page three

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Judging by Kim’s face, Rachel must’ve eaten those coney dogs again... Think your caption is good enough for Page Three? Psh, we’d like to see it! Send your caption to caption@theblacksheeponline.com and we’ll be the judge of that.

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word of the week >>> Fantage point

Icy Rye Slum

Body Frock Tens

submit your own word at word@theblacksheeponline.com if you think you’re so clever.

Definition: A homer-centric point of view in which a fan of a sport team expects success in the face of obvious failure. Even with a gutted far system, albatross contracts and a horrible outfield, Jennifer’s fantage point meant she thought the Cubs were destined for the World Series.


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Gettin’ It Done at Cabell Library Lanee’ Sanders wrote this

Remember back in the good old days when the library was a place you told your parents you were going so you could hit up a party or make-out with that promiscuous tramp down the street? The days when libraries were all but vacant, occupied solely by nerds and the poor souls who’d broken their computers. The chairs were uncomfortable, the librarians harsh and unforgiving, and, God forbid, you actually say anything. Yes, the library was a glorious, frightening place. Today, Club Cabell is open seven days a week, most nights until 2 a.m. The James Branch Cabell library is now the height of urban nightlife on the VCU campus, boasting four floors, its own café and an abundance of lounge seating and sexually active co-eds. Cheaper and more spacious than clubs Aurora or 534, it’s no wonder that the library is the place to be. You must be wondering if it is even possible to get work done in the library. If you have ADHD, the answer is a simple “no.” If you are dedicated and can persevere through the constant distractions, you’re well on your way to kinda finishing the minimum requirements for your paper. One distraction you might encounter is people not wearing enough clothes. You already didn’t want to write this ten-page paper. Now you can’t even focus on your computer screen for more than five seconds at a time because the hottie at the next booth over is practically naked. Do you introduce yourself (so it’s not creepy when you friend them on Facebook)? Do you take off your sweater, suck in your gut and stick out your chest, as is natural mating protocol? Neither. Immediately relocate to a table full of the most

homely people you can find, resume writing and save your urges for another day. Don’t be surprised if on your visit to Club Cabell someone is blasting the new Trey Songz or Skrillex album. This isn’t your grandma’s library, and no one’s going to pay attention to your glaring or your shhhhing. Sure, you could start a fight with the guy in the middle of the lounge, but after the police report and the assault charges, are you really going to want to finish your paper? No, it’s best to bring earplugs or move your behind up to the silent fourth floor. The tricky thing about the fourth floor is that it’s basically a VIP area for mimes. If you have chips or the sniffles or ridiculously squeaky shoes, you will be shipped onto the elevator, right back downstairs. The worst idea ever in the history of being productive is bringing a friend to the library. It seems like such a great idea because you’re both in the same class. They even let you steal their Rambucks. In actuality, this arrangement can only go one of two ways. The first option is your friend is a super student who distracts you while talking about how hard the assignment is, only to finish it before you’re done with the first page. The second is much more likely, and it will result in your friend talking about The Jersey Shore and showing you Youtube videos of cute animals falling over. Suddenly, it’s 2 a.m., and all you’ve got done is the beginning of your introduction. The library is a hopping place now. It’s where the kids go to sleep, sext and socialize, but, don’t worry. There’s still hope for your research papers. Watch out for Club Cabell’s seductive diversions and you may avoid becoming a sixth year senior.

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Celebrate St. Patty’s Day at O’Buddy’s! St. Patricks Day - March 17 Join Buddy’s crowd for a little Irish fun! Specials All Day Long Free tasting at 4:30 PM


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www.theblacksheeponline.com THe top ten

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Spring Breakers 10. Professor Usedtobecool: That one who always makes himself sound “cool” in class by talking about beer and drugs, he’s got long gray hair and wears Hawaiian shirts every day. You’ll find him sitting at the end of the bar at Margaritaville from 11 a.m. to 11 p.m. the whole week. If he sees you, he’ll chat about acid trips of yesteryear and keeps nonchalantly scratching his balls every three minutes. 9. The “Woo” Girl: She drinks three shots of Ron Diaz tequila every morning for “breakfast”, then promptly heads to the beach for full day of tanning... And drinking. By three o’clock if her tits aren’t smothering some frat boy’s face, she’s taking a shit in the ocean while she bongs two loaded Coronas.

C’mon Guys, What Are We Doing For Spring Break? Lenton wrote this It’s March here at VCU and everyone knows what that means: It’s spring break, baby! One week of rest from the countless hours of “Shafer Shits,” one week of reprise from being forced to work countless nights by Pimp Daddy “Cabell.” So say goodbye to those textbooks and clickers and join me as we march on to the streets chanting, “Free at last…Free at last…Great God Almighty I’m free at last!” But hold up, why is it that planning a spring break with friends always results in hurt feelings and no beach, followed by awkward across-the-table dinner conversations at home with your mom about whether you’re protecting yourself properly in school? Well, with different friends come different personalities, all of which screw up your plans. Here are a few spring break planning personalities that might keep you from going down to Honolulu to get some…uh… “Mauie Wowie.” Meet Suzy Senseless. She’s that friend in the group that’s always oblivious to what’s going on. The friend who shows up the morning of the trip with a beach towel and flip flops after everyone decided to go snowboarding. During the planning process Suzy is just as clueless, asking the stupidest questions in earth’s four billion-year existence. “Yes Suzy, it’s cold when you snowboard…No Suzy, it would not be fun snowboarding on sand…I know you like sand Suzy…” It’s only natural to want to say “screw it” when dealing with a Suzy, especially after explaining how time zones work for the fourth time. Follow the “KISS” acronym when planning things with her: KEEP IT SIMPLE for SUZY. The next personality is “Broke Billy.” Broke Billy Is the first friend to arrive on nights where everyone hangs out in the house free of charge, but when it comes down to bar hopping he’s rarer than Santa in the summer. He’s the friend that’s allergic to any business establishment that requires some form of American currency. When it comes to spring break plans Billy really sucks because he severely limits your ideas. Granted, we’re all college students but c’mon

Billy, if you can’t scrape together $20.00 for gas to go on a road trip then I think it’s time for a talk. Have you considered UNICEF? Next we have Tight Ass Tina aka “T.A.T.” She’s the buzz kill of the group. The one who plays the angel on your shoulder telling you that you can’t pretend to be 50 Cent by taking nine shots of vodka. She’s the downer that tells you that you can’t pole vault over your three friends with that pipe you found next to the construction on Floyd Ave. Most of the time T.A.T. is right, but fuck it, we’re on spring break and my mother told me to tell you that there’s no such phrase as ”You can’t.” We’ve all seen the Snickers commercials when hungry people turn into divas; well bring up any kind of fun plans for your break and listen to T.A.T.’s tummy rumble as she turns into a 75-year-old-lady with arthritis and a weak stomach. “Cruises make me nauseous… Road trips hurt my knees” Please, for the sake of the trip, eat a Snickers and shut the hell up. Next we have Irrational Ivan. He’s the friend that always goes overboard. You tell him to pick up some beer from Kroger and he comes back with a brewery. You ask for a pack of cigs and you find your self part owner of Phillip Morris. When it comes to spring break plans Ivan wants to do it big. There’s is nothing wrong with that until it turns into a three continent adventure. Next thing you know, Ivan is planning a twomonth vacation in which you travel across the world. And if Earth wasn’t enough for this kid, he wants to top things off by being personally escorted by Neil Armstrong to the moon for a space beer bong. Pop a Ritalin and take a chill pill, dude. We’re on a strict budget here. These are the personalities you must confront when planning for a spring break trip. These annoying people transcend race and gender to annoy people the world over. Hopefully many of you can survive your friends and make it to that delightful beach for some fun in the sun. For those of you who can’t, don’t be surprised if your friends start referring to you as T.A.T.

8. The Fat Girl: Exactly like the “Woo” girl, but chases her morning tequila with her leftovers from Waffle House from 5 hours earlier. Instead of her tits smothering some frat boy’s face, they’re smothering Professor Usedtobecool’s feet while he watches Seinfeld re-runs. She tries to stand on top of the bar but can’t hoist herself up. 7. The Redneck Who Isn’t Actually On Spring Break: Then there’s this guy: camo hat, Guy Harvey shirt, torn jeans, and a Bud Light in his hand. He actually lives right down the road and installs drywall for a living, but, since it’s spring break and he drinks every night anyways, he comes to the club “to hit ohn sum collige bitches”. 6. The Cool Hippie Chick: She’s got a tattoo of a sunflower on her left shoulder blade; she wears headbands and aviator sunglasses, and listens to Beirut and Animal Collective. She wakes up and smokes three joints before “chillin’” on the beach all day and “taking it easy” because last night she got so high she thought her tits were bags of sand. When you try and talk to her, her voice is so “super chill” that you have to lean in to hear her talk, then you realize she’s just talking about the time she visited Uruguay and made hemp necklaces with the local villagers. 5. The Navy Dude: He starts the morning with Jaegerbombs with his Navy Bros while they lift kegs repeatedly to make sure that their biceps are bulging for the beach. They can often be heard saying “I’d tap that!” and “Fuck you, my tribal tat is way better!” while pushing each other and throwing a football on the beach, feigning heterosexuality for fear that they’ll lose their job if they don’t. 4. The Girl Who’s Reluctantly On Spring Break Even Though She’d Rather Be Focusing On Her Biology Homework: Yeah, she gets dressed up and goes out with her friends. Yeah, she’s pretty cute. But when you talk to her at the bar, she refuses to let you buy her a drink because she’s “just taking care of everyone tonight”. And every other night. 3. Captain Organized: “Dude, did you hear about the zipline tour that’s 3 hours away? We should totally do that!” There’s always one kid who wants more than beer on the beach. He actually wants to do touristy stuff. Avoid him. 2. The Kid Who Came Alone: He saw everyone’s plans on Facebook so he booked a room right down the street and arrived early. No one told him to come so it’s incredibly awkward when he “runs into them” on the beach, and follows them around the rest of the afternoon, night, and week. 1. The Totally Been To Spring Break Before And Gonna “DO IT UP!” Frat Guy: He’s a senior now. His liver looks like a shriveled football that passed through Whitney Houston’s colon just before she died. And he knows how to rage bro! It’s his turn to show the freshmen brothers how to party. He’s constantly got his Columbia board shorts, Costa Del Mar sunglasses, and backwards college hat on and ready to rage, bro.

staff wrote this


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Bartenderof the Issue

Christine Lee The Fish Bowl, Downtown

Age: 22 Status: Single Major: Biology favorite Drink Recipe: Cosmopolitan - Citron Raspberry Grand Marnier, vodka, cranberry Shot Recipe: Dessert Drink Irish cream, whipped cream, vodka “I dare you” Recipe: 4 Horsemen - Jameson, Jose Cuervo, Jack Daniels, Jim Beam and Johnny Walker Dream date? EDM Concert on a tropical island.

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the media stereotypes you meet

on spring break! the ted mosby He’s been your best friend since Jeremy Daniel gave you simultaneous wedgies in the fifth grade. You dormed together freshman year, but when you rushed he decided to chat with his threestates-away girlfriend over Skype. It wasn’t until his junior year that he discovered she was cheating on him. Though you rarely talk these days, you decided to invite him on spring break. Now you’re in club dancing with hawt womenz as he shoots you “please come end my boredom” daggers from across the room. You let your slamdunk slam piece go and mosey his way. “Dude, there’s hundreds of sluts here for you to bone,” you mutter. “I don’t want to talk to any of them,” he downtroddenly claims. You give him a half dozen “How ‘bout her?” options, but it’s always, “Too fat,” “Too skinny,” “Weird freckle,” “Missing a leg.” You’re regretting that invite, as you hate him almost as much as he hates himself.

It’s unlikely that you’ll meet a fictional character on spring break, unless you have some really, really good ‘shrooms. Still, you’ll certainly meet someone that’ll remind you of that one guy you saw in a movie that one time. Like these folks! By: Brendan

the chelsea handler

the van wilder

Before leaving for spring break she excitedly shows you a shirt she bought for the vacation. You frown as she unfurls it, so she feels the need to explain, “It says ‘The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else’! Get it?! Plus, it’s white, which will be absolutely perfect for a wet t-shirt contest.” Yes, she’s an attention whore, but that doesn’t take away from her more normal whoreish qualities. As you roll into Panama City Beach she demands the group stops at Wal-Mart before checking into the hotel because she wants to do a vodka shot minutes after the gang gets into the room. Over break she’ll claim to invent the “tan nap,” which is really just an excuse for her to pass out next to the pool. This is fine, she needs all the rest she can get, what with the stop-start self-esteem sex she has with a different, flaccid, barely-conscious dude in your bathroom each night.

You’ll spot the Van Wilder from a few dozen yards away. His hot, oiled body glistening in the sun, his perfectlycoiffed hair reaching for the sky as though even his keratin is surrendering to his sparkling blue eyes just a few inches south. Guy or girl, your knees quiver in anticipation as you pray he talks to you. He asks, “Hey, need a beer?” as you rush to tumble a sloppy “Yes!” out of your mouth. He murmurs, “Alright man, give me twenty bucks and I’ll be back with a case in a few.” What? You begin to catch on. Those flip-flops look like they cost several hundred dollars, and his board shorts look to be a brand you can barely pronounce. This guy’s gotta be north of thirty. What kind of grown-up douchebag still celebrates spring break?

the annie walker She sidles up next to you at the bar and within minutes you’re smitten. She’s cute and she’s sucking back shots faster than the bartender can pour them. The two of you trade adorably awkward glances because, hey, you’re both the shy type. Finally serendipity strikes when you both turn to each other and say, “Hi, I’m--,” bursting out in laughter an instant later. The glimmer in her eye and the stirring in your swim trunks both indicate things are going well until she says something goofy. Shit hits the fan. The conversation’s momentum dies and the glimmer in her eye turns into a glassy shell that does little more than hold in orbs that are just waiting to bulge out of her head. She’s stumbling over her words, stumbling to the bathroom and she tumbles to the ground just as she covers it in a thin puddle of puke. Feel free to give yourself a mental high-five, acting like an ass is what those low selfesteem hotties do.

the taco macarthur the Leslie Knope You open your eyes, roll over and look at the bedside clock. It’s 10:15 a.m. Four hours of sleep? Jesus. You will yourself out of bed because there’s only two days of break left and much tanning left to do. You angrily stumble into the bathroom only to realize she did it again. Taped to your mirror is the day’s itinerary: 10:30 a.m. mani-pedi followed by a 11:15a.m.-1:30p.m. spa session? Doesn’t she know that you just want to eat a stale bagel from the continental breakfast, slam a beer and hit the beach? She’s everything you love in a person: Organized, driven, adventurous and loyal, but she can’t get the notion that you just want to sit around drinking beer on the beach through her very pretty skull. You hear her rustling around in the living room, so you decide to hide in the closet until it’s 10:35. You’d chip your manicure cracking open beers anyway.

You’re barely out of the state before you have to scream at him for casually lighting up a spliff in your back seat without asking. He barely utters a word during the entire 18-hour journey, tossing in a “Yeah, cool, whatever.” when you periodically ask him if he’s still alive. You exit your condo’s bathroom only to discover a text message claiming he’s gone down to the beach to smoke an apple bong with some girl he met in the elevator. Every night you stumble home from the club frustrated that you’re still not getting laid, and every night you walk into the room and he’s there with a half dozen girls he met on the beach. The rational part of you wants to hate him for succeeding with minimal effort when you fail while trying so very, very hard. Your penis loves him though, because hey, tits.


the music page!

the black sheep interviews:

Good Old War

Usually wars divide, but Philly indie group Good Old War actually spawned from another band’s split. With new album Come Back as Rain due out March 6th the band is embarking on a nationwide tour to support the release. We sat down with drummer Tim Arnold to talk about music, touring and sandwiches. The Black Sheep: In a couple weeks your new album Come Back as Rain drops. Can you talk about how you guys go about creating an album? Tim Arnold: Usually Keith and Dan bring some ideas to the table, we’ll listen to them and we’ll decide what we’re going to do. I’ll lay down a drum beat, we’ll get some harmonies and we’ll have a song. For Come Back as Rain I wrote a little more, and we broke each stage of the music down together. We wanted to really get our mitts on everything. TBS: You mentioned you participated more on the writing of this album. Was that a personal decision? Were you asked to write more? Tim: It was a natural thing. There was no pressure, Keith and I would get together and I would have ideas for parts. TBS: With three different people giving artistic input how do you make sure a tune stays within the larger theme your music has? Tim: Well, here’s an example: There were a couple of songs on this new album that started out as electronic beats with a good melody. They were a little dark, but after everyone in the band goes through them and does their thing, the end result is a Good Old War song.

cd review

out now

fun. some nights The latest from former Format front man is inevitably very fun. For those who are completely out of the loop, fun. is the byproduct of Nate Ruess’ genius. Having been the lead singer for The Format, a band who exemplifies the sound of indie pop in the early 2000s (surely you remember it all— Relient K, Jack’s Mannequin, Death Cab, etc.), but they unfortunately broke up in 2008 after releasing two great albums. Lucky for us, Ruess got the hell out of Arizona and into New York City, forming his now successful group fun. with Andrew Dost of Anathallo and Jack Antonoff of Steel Train. And my, how they have blown up! Gaining attention after having one of their songs featured in a Chevy commercial that originally aired during this year’s Super Bowl, their sophomore release Some Nights might finally catapult them into mainstream success. The thing about fun. is that you’ve got to appreciate and possibly learn to love Ruess’ theatrical voice and sound—so, understandably not for everybody. Having been compared to voices like Freddie Mercury, fun.’s sound is amusingly similar to a circus; it’s over the top, loud, entertaining, and upbeat even when the lyrics are not. The album starts off inspired and leads into the aforementioned Super Bowl-featured tune, “We Are Young.” Though the song is good with the inevitably catchy, chanting chorus that’ll make anyone stop and listen, it’s by far not the only track worth noting. The album continues on with surprising auto-tune (“Stars,” a great song… but seriously with auto-tune), brief moments

TBS: When you’re writing for an album where do you get your subject matter? Tim: For the most part it’s just persona experiences and writing what you know. Sometime we’ll have a little fun and make up some stories, but mostly it’s family, girls, stuff like that. TBS: You’re from Philadelphia and Come Back as Rain was recorded in Omaha, Nebraska. Why? Tim: We want to be a place with no distractions. If we recorded in Philly there’d be wives and babies and friends to take care of. TBS: You guys are gearing up for a two-month long tour. What kind of preparation goes into making sure you’re mentally and physically sound for it? Tim: I feel like it’s mostly rehearsing. By the end of the tour you’re tight from playing all the time, but at the beginning it can be dodgy. There’s not a whole lot of physical preparation or anything, I feel pretty natural on the road.

GRADE B+

of strange electronic (“It Gets Better”) and gospel like intensity (at least a few moments in almost every song). Though there is a similarity in all of the songs, each track has its own unique sound that leaves the album interesting rather than predictable. Though fun. is different than The Format, their sounds are not entirely too far off due to Ruess’s unique voice and once in awhile the former bands’ sounds can’t help but come out. “All Alright” is definitely reminiscent of his former band—deep, passionate sounds that Format fans love and remember, and of course the depressing lyrics that no one wants to admit being able to relate to, but true nonetheless. Fun. overall is much, much more upbeat than The Format and it’s wonderful to see Ruess’ second project not fall flat on his face like it could have. So, the sophomore curse? Please – Ruess’ sophomore release with his sophomore band is just as good as ever. It’s amazing to see a talented artist have produced great music with his former band, change as people naturally do and follow his heart in a new direction, and continue to produce new, quality music. Well done, Ruess; we look forward to continue growing up with you. Sounds Like: A mainstream circus. Download: All Alright, Why Am I The One, We Are Young Listen to it When: Your spring break road trip, of course.

TBS: You guys have played really huge shows like Coachella and tiny shows; do you prefer one or the other? Tim: I just prefer people there singing along. If there’s a few people singing in a small venue, it’s way better than a huge venue where no one gives a shit. Coachella was amazing, though we played at 11:30a.m. TBS: Is 11:30a.m. the earliest show you’ve ever played? Tim: No, we’ve played really early morning shows. TBS: TV gigs like Good Morning Philadelphia? Tim: Yeah, exactly. When we played that, we were on at like, 7a.m. It was horrible. TBS: For anyone who hasn’t seen a live show of Good Old War before, how would you describe one to them? Tim: I feel like it’s a campfire with friends where you play songs together and sing along like friends. TBS: If your music was most analogous to a movie, what would it be? Tim: Badlands TBS: Describe to me your perfect sandwich. Tim: A bed of lettuce, mustard, turkey, pepper jack cheese on some toasted rye bread. TBS: What are you drinking? Tim: Budweiser and Jack Daniels.

UPCOMING RELEASES Bruce Springsteen - Wrecking Ball Todd Snider - Agnostic Hymns & Stoner Fables

Andrew Bird - Break it Yourself Magnetic Fields - Love at the Bottom of the Sea

Fireflight - Now Kaiser Cheifs - Start the Revolution Without Me

Good Old War - Come Back as Rain White Rabbits - Milk Famous


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Boom Ba Da Boom Boom.. Dead Will Mattimoe wrote this It’s been two hours, but the dance floor is still warm. Drinks of varying fullness litter the floor of the bar. If one squints they can almost make out the ghosts of female innocence still occupying their bar stools. A record still spins on the turntable, long abandoned. It seems to whisper, “Mr. Saxobeat got a lot of people killed tonight.” The epidemic has been going on for twenty years, maybe longer. Just under the eye of the mainstream, no one knows how many sensible lives have been destroyed by the most insidious of forces. The Beat. A sensible girl, college-aged, decides to go out to a club. She’s taken precautions, invited a few friends and resolved not to drink too much. But then she hears the beat. Soon she’s on the floor. Her backside soon gets in the way of a male pelvis. He feels her up and she likes it. In a hideous phenomenon that has swept college campuses and clubs the world over, these “Beatsluts,” as they’re called, feel bass vibrations and are driven mad with a desire to shake their bodies. “The beat makes love to me as I dance” lamented the social historian society known as “Salt-n-Pepa,” their flawed grammar a direct result of prolonged exposure to bass. Ms. Ashley Tisdale of West Deal, New Jersey, says, “As soon as my body hears that rhythm, something starts happening to my system. Blame it on the beat. Blame it on the beat.” She kept repeating her final phrase as she rocked back and

forth in her padded cell, another tragic victim of pounding rhythms. Symptoms vary, but the warning signs are clear. After first exposure, the girl first starts to feel a flush of heat, usually in her chest. In order to quell this sensation she starts to drink heavily, which only makes the problem worse. She tries to ask her friends for help, but they’re already making out with each other. Suddenly, the chemistry in her brain is altered to such an extent that her mouth becomes permanently attached to the lips of a member of the opposite sex, her common sense removed orally. Soon she is beyond control, gyrating wildly and, in most cases, dead. There is little known about this strange affliction other than the recorded fact that white women are more susceptible than most. Other names for the disease have been coined, with some beats described as PHAT (Pro Herpes Arousal Transmission). It is also difficult to study, as it is the only known contagion that is transmitted aurally, resulting in an alarming number of researchers succumbing to their freaky desires. A World Health Organization research lab was shut down when it was found to be just a bunch of people grinding near science equipment. What can be done about this epidemic? Some say “reading,” and “staying in” could prevent new cases. However, the general consensus is that people who say such things are nerds. “What we’re dealing with is a whole bunch of sloppy women who can’t stop trippin’ over they damn mess,” a

scientist close to the issue revealed. “If you at the club, and you dancin’, and you drinkin’, and you rubbin’ that fine ass on a stranger for three hours straight and you surprised that you end up in bed with him? And you complain to me like that’s a problem that you have? Shut the hell up! Are you out your damn mind?” Something certainly has to be done, as this problem will continue unabated if we do not act. America has lost too many sensible youths to “dropping it low,” something that spread to one’s home through radio. After viewing such devastation, a quote from Gloria Estefan is all the more haunting today than it was back in 1987: “The rhythm is going to get you... tonight.”

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test your knowledge

Yoga Position or Sex Position?

Are you a dog just looking for a quick bone no matter the cost, or are you a yoga guru who’ll bend over backwards for a glimpse of physical and mental enlightenment? Maybe you’re a bendy bang baron who wants the best of both worlds. Without having to pick someone up at the bar, being able to identify which of the titles below are sex positions and which are yoga positions is the best way to find out where you fall on the stretchy sex spectrum.By: Brendan

1. Basset Hound 2. Half Moon 3. Bound Angle 4. Brute 5. Foot Behind Head 6. Cow Face 7. Bent Spoon 8. Full Boat 9. Royal Pigeon 10. Final Furlong answer key: 1. Sex 2. Yoga 3. Yoga 4. Sex 5. Yoga 6. Yoga 7. Sex 8. Yoga 9. Yoga 10. Sex

11. Yoga 12. Sex 13. Sex 14. Yoga 15. Yoga 16. Yoga 17. Sex 18. Sex 19. Yoga 20. Sex

11. Corpse Pose 12. Golden Gate 13. Viennese Oyster 14. Upside-Down Tortoise 15. Corn Tree 16. Downward Facing Dog 17. Suspended Congress 18. Amazon Reverse 19. Four-Limbed Staff 20. See-Saw

results 0-6 Correct: Stiff and Sexless You’d bend over backward for some sweet sack time, but your joints don’t quite move that way. The one time you got laid last Halloween you pulled a hammy a minute into missionary, but it was still the highlight of your year.

7-13 Correct: Bendy but Boring You touch your toes during warmups, but even then you find it an improper display of your sexuality. You’d loosen up a little more—both physically and mentally—but you’re pretty sure there’s some passage in the Bible that says you shouldn’t.

14-20 Correct: The Flexible Fornicator “Freaky” doesn’t begin to describe the ways you loosen up or go down. Your life motto would be, “A leg behind the head means a freak in the bed,” you know, if people actually said that.


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across: 3) Joe Rogan is back and grosser than ever! (2 words) 6) This show is watching you. (2 words) 8) “Ron, why you a-gotta make ya mamma so sad? She make-a you a spicy meat-aball!” (2 words) 9) A hyper man and a fat man walk into a barn... (2 words) 10) This fashion show would force you to get rid of all your bar crawl shirts. (4 words) 13) In the grim darkness without electricity, there is only Jeff Probst.

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Writers Kiara McGowan-Powell Will Mattimoe Tim Jones Octavia Trammell

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15) The cast of this reality show probably picks up crabs in port, too. (2 words) 16) Proof that white trash buys and sells regular trash. (2 words) 16) Proof that white trash buys and sells regular trash. (2 words) 17) Glorifying unprotected sex since 2009! (2 words) 18) Yo, we put a clue in your clue so you can read this clue while read clues. (3 words) DOWN: 1) Are you going to take 1,000 copies of this paper and hide them in your house for 25 years? 2) This four-letter word let your partner know the date was over. 4) To the Klu Klux Klan, an alternate answer would be “white people.” (2 words) 5) Dave Chappelle lampooned this show by letting the world know, “Katie has some bigass tittays.” (2 words) 7) This show got a spin-off titles “Deadliest Roads.” (3 words) 11) ... and the winner is... Kris Allen? (2 words) 12) Every rose has its thorn, every dude on this show’s a douchebag. (2 words) 14) Pack your knives and go if you don’t want this show. (2 words)

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Down 1 Are you going to take 1,000 copies of this paper and hide them in your house for 25 years? 2 This four-letter word let your partner know the date was over. 4 To the Klu Klux Klan, an alternate answer would be "white people." (2 Words) 5 Dave Chappelle lampooned this show by letting the world know, "Katie had some big-ass tittays." (2 Words) 7 This show got a spin-off titled "Deadliest Roads." (3 Words) 11 ...and the winner is...Kris Allen? (2 Words) 12 Every rose has its thorn, every dude on this show's a douchebag. (2 Words) 14 Pack your knives and go if you don't watch this show. (2 Words)

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Across 3 Joe Rogan is back and grosser than ever! (2 Words) 6 This show is watching you. (2 Words) 8 "Ron, why you a-gotta make ya mamma so sad? She make-a you a spicy meat-a-ball!" (2 Words) 9 A hyper man and a fat man walk into a barn... (2 Words) 10 This fashion show would force you to get rid of all your barcrawl shirts. (4 Words) 13 In the grim darkness without electricity, there is only Jeff Probst. 15 The cast of this reality show probably picks up crabs in port, too. (2 Words) 16 Proof that white trash buys and sells regular trash. (2 Words) 17 Glorifying unprotected sex since 2009! (2 Words) 18 Yo, we put a clue in your clue so you can read this clue while you read clues. (3 Words)

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the crossword: reality television

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