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Volume 2, Issue 2 2/08/12 - 2/28/12

The Male and Female Expectations Versus Reality

on Valentine’s Day Annie Hiner wrote this

Valentine’s Day, oh what a joyous occasion! Nothing could be more exciting than hearing a bunch of lonely whores bitch on Facebook about how the bullshit holiday was created by America’s greeting card companies. Pipe down you pathetic skanks, respect that Valentine’s Day means something different for everyone. The male and female perspective, for instance, tends to differ greatly. Yet, both sexes tend to be wrong about their holiday expectations, because after all maybe the lonely Facebook whores were right, Valentine’s Day is a bullshit holiday. The Male Expectation: Whether guys are single or not, Valentine’s Day means they’re all about to get laid. I mean, it’s about time, the college male population didn’t learn to play “Your Body is a Wonderland” on the acoustic guitar for nothing. The guys with girlfriends spend their school loan money on a new Coach purse for their girlfriends, because that’s what all girls like, right? Next, they take their girlfriends out to dinner somewhere like the Olive Garden, because nothing says romance like a good ole chain restaurant. Yet, most men know all this bullshit and spending money is really just a ploy for what is in store for later in the night…knocking boots! Hell, most guys are unable to go five minutes during dinner without picturing the sexy lingerie that is hiding under their girlfriend’s slutty red dress. After dinner, the male is reassured that the $12.99 that he spent on his girlfriend’s dinner was money well spent as she rips off her clothes and pounces for hours of the dirtiest sex he could have ever imagined. Single guys plan on doing the nasty as well. Everyone knows the bars on Valentine’s Day are infested with the loneliest, horniest, and quite frankly the most desperate girls on campus. Therefore, after he orders the sloppy hottie in the corner a few shots of Patron, it is guaranteed that in the next few hours she will slob on his knob like corn on the cob, without any number exchange or relationship expectations in the morning… Happy freakin’ Valentine’s Day! The Female Expectation: For the relationship-inclined, the day arrives and as much as any girl claims she does not fall for that romantic shit, she totally eats it up. She gets all dolled up in her new Bebe dress and is confident that she looks BANGIN’, not that that is relevant to the holiday anyway. She’s wrapped up the Gap sweater she bought for her man, and is ready for her hot date. Her boyfriend picks her up and is finally dressed to the nines, and not in his dad’s hand-me-downs for once. He tells her she looks amazing, so amazing that he refuses to share her to the world. He blindfolds her and brings her to the roof of his apartment building, which, of course, is decked out in lights and candles. The couple has a romantic picnic dinner, when finally he says the three words she’s been waiting for. He gives her the antique bracelet she’s been wanting, and never thought he’d remember. Then finally they finish the night cuddling to the Adele CD. Perfection. The single girls have a grand ole time as well. These are the girls that post those pathetic Facebook statuses. Apparently they hate the holiday, yet deep down they are hoping a secret admirer will hit up their Facebook inbox with his romantic secret confession. If that doesn’t happen these girls will hit up the bar with their fellow single ladies. The male bar goers will see these independent women and be impressed with their courage. The single gals will find the man they’ve been searching for and realize Valentine’s Day romance is real, and their horoscopes were wrong. They found love in a hopeless place.

Other stuff

Inside

Reality: Valentine’s Day never really goes as planned. Apparently Olive Garden isn’t as romantic as the average guy believes. Also, apparently Coach purses are so three years ago, who would have thought? The Gap sweater did not impress like an iPhone would. Furthermore, unfortunately the guy realizes he’s a drunk ass and left his credit card at the bar the night before, and forces his girlfriend to pay for the unlimited salad and breadsticks. Finally, that lingerie the guy was dreaming about did not quite exist, because for some apparent reason his girlfriend believed that Valentine’s Day was the best day for laundry. Also, as much as the Ludacris CD her boyfriend put on should put the couple in the mood, the couple is so disgusted with each other, even cuddling is out of the question. The night’s finale is one sad pathetic boyfriend masturbating to his girlfriend’s snoring with his own tears as lubricant. As for those “independent folks”, at least they actually got laid, congrats. Yet, Mr. Player has only a semi-obese stage five clinger to brag about, which is actually much better than Miss Independent’s newly serious case of the clap.

Wait, we’re allowed to act like pigs carte blanche?

Satan stops by for a hot Valentine’s Day date.

Did you change your shampoo? Your hair smelled different last night.

see page 6

see page 7

see page 10

What Girls (Shockingly) Like In Guys

My Date With the Devil

A Love Letter From Your Stalker


02

Table of > > > PAGE 4 >>> PAGE 5 >>> page 6 >>> page 11 >>>

contents

The Top Ten

6

Most Eligible Bachelors & Bachelorettes

Party Pics and Shoutouts

13

so how weird have you been lately?

If Women Wrote Porn

Lesbian scenes would be even hotter?

Bartender of the Issue

Jason from Burrito Loco is crazy about his wife. Awwww.

Meet The Staff!

campus manager Luis Guitart

PAGE 13 >>>

Taco Bell Challenge

win or lose, you still get to eat taco bell.

Advertising Managers Delaney Coyle Hannah Comer

distribution Manager Lamar Roberts

Writers Anne Hiner Katrina Nicholson

marketing/pr intern Jessica Frazier

campus director Brendan Bonham Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com

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Definition: Any argument that is a direct result of two people fighting over one woman. The herfuffle between Keith and Marshall hit an apex when Marshall took Amanda ice skating over the weekend.


04

THe top ten Most Eligible Bachelors & Bachelorettes Still looking for love this Valentine’s Day? Rest assured, there are plenty of fish in the sea waiting to swim with you. They may not be as awkward out of water as you, but if they bite your line chances are they’re just as desperate. Here’s a list of some of those eligible fish- and a couple of Moray Eels. 10) Arnold Schwarzenegger: The former Governator is back on the market after it was revealed last year that he fathered a lovechild with his former housekeeper. Sure, he cheated on his kinda-a-Kennnedy wife and is barely coherent, but at least his “twins” aren’t completely useless after all that steroid use in the ‘70’s.

What Girls (Shockingly) Like in Guys Annie Hiner wrote this You learn a lot of shit in college. For instance, most now know to never publicly urinate in the line for a football game, or that pickle juice is actually a decent chaser in desperate times, and some other stuff too, I suppose. Yet, men can go all four years of school and still not understand a single thing about women. Poor men. Women at least have trashy magazines to turn to. All men have as an informational source is what they’ve seen the in Twilight movies, or heard on a Dashboard Confessional album. Who can blame them for being clueless? Plus, women are bipolar and pretty fucking confusing. There are actually many things that men are doing right that they’d never guess.

Looking Like You Haven’t Showered in Weeks I am not suggesting to any guy that they lose their hygienic routine, yet looking like you do not give a shit is actually a pathetic turn on for girls. Why else do you think girls find Johnny Depp or Justin Bobby attractive? Therefore, rock that greasy hair, for some fucked up reason girls cannot wait to run their fingers through it. Barbecue stain on your ironic R.E.M. t-shirt? Leave it! This shows your “free spirit”, even though in reality it might just mean you’re a disgusting, careless douche bag, which nobody has to know. Being Romantically Challenged As much as guys think girls want a man who has memorized every Nicholas Sparks book, and acts as if he is the Edward Cullen, the sane girls do not. Romance is actually kind of disgusting, at least when it is faked and overdone. An awkward date at White Castle could actually be more charming than

8) Kim Jong-un: New North Korean leader and pudgy protégé of his father, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-un has a lot on his mind. It is rumored that Kim might be married, but this has yet to be confirmed by the North Korean government. So remember, what happens in the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea stays in the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.

some bullshit home cooked meal featuring undercooked steak and grocery store potato salad, with a Katherine Heigl movie as the grand finale. So maybe it isn’t that bad to be socially retarded, it’s surely better than a guy singing songs dedicated to you on Youtube after the second date.

7) Seal: Newly single Seal has decided to move from being known as “that singer who inconceivably married Heidi Klum” to plain ol’ “that singer”. Why not spend this Valentine’s Day getting a “kiss from a rose on the grave”? Or is it “gray”? The point is, no one knows what it means.

Having a Feminine Side I’m not talking about borrowing your sister’s skinny jeans or owning a Taylor Swift album, but being able to show your girly side is actually quite attractive. Whether this means you like a good glass of pinot once and a while, or the fact that you like Kurt Hummel’s character on Glee, admitting that you like feminine things is much better than pretending your life revolved around pussy, money, and weed. You liar, we all know you cried at the end of Marley and Me.

6) Katy Perry: She’s kissed a girl AND liked it AND her breasts are giant cupcakes. AND this woman is single?! If you’ve got a sweet tooth, Katy is up for anything that she won’t remember the next morning. Why not party with her and watch the fireworks fly? Because of course that’s where the burning sensation is coming from.

Shoes Guys simply do not understand the value in their choice of shoe. It truly is not the size of the shoe that counts, rather it is how vintage those Nikes look. If you’re rolling around the town rocking K-Swiss or New Balances your mother bought you sophomore year of high school, then God bless you, because you are a brave soul who clearly does not have sex on the agenda. Also, for you lonely souls rocking Doc Martens or Sketchers, even more props to you, because clearly you do not have female socialization on the agenda. Understand that shoes make the man, and your best bet are Nikes or at least some Converse All Stars, because even if you are a piece of shit, girls will at least be invested based on your shoes alone.

4) Betty White: This Golden Girl is looking good at 90 years young. Hot in Cleveland and everywhere else, Betty has a lot of experience she’s more than willing to share. How has Betty stayed in the business for over 70 years? That legendary “White Heat”.

"barbecue stain on your ironic r.e.m. t-shirt? leave it! This just shows your 'free spirit.'"

Glasses Boys, get you geek on! Sure, maybe conceal that fact that you are an avid Second Life gamer, but being a semi nerd is actually quite endearing. Don’t go out and remove the lenses from the 3D glasses you got from seeing Toy Story 3, but if your vision isn’t perfect work it to your advantage. Girls truly do like a guy with a good pair of specs.

9) Janet Napolitano: The first female Homeland Security Secretary is single and, when not looking for terrorists, is looking for love. Janet’s hobbies include hiking, investing all of her time in the nation’s security, and making sure violent drug cartels don’t sneak in south of the border (if you know what I mean).

Men, stop turning to your Dashboard albums and Twilight for your relationship advice. Girls are not looking for a sappy, pathetic emo, and especially not some stalker who hates the sun, and want to suck their blood. Be yourself, because most of the time girls actually like your embarrassing idiosyncrasies, well of course that is if you aren’t still rocking Doc Martens.

5) Silvio Berlusconi: This Italian Stallion is a romantic at heart. He’ll wine and dine you, serenade you with songs from his upcoming love songs album, and buy you expensive gifts with money intended for the Italian government.

3) Charlie Sheen: After devoting his life to winning, Charlie is full of surprises (and tiger blood). Only the adventurous goddesses need apply to date Charlie Sheen, as a night with Charlie can be pretty unpredictable- keep your machetes ready, ladies. 2) Casey Anthony: The only crime Casey is guilty of is love in the first degree. Always the free spirit, Casey won’t let anything stop the party (allegedly). If you can find her, Casey is looking forward to moving on and finally living the “Bella Vita.” 1) Chaz Bono: What’s not to like about Chaz Bono? The only child of Cher and Sonny Bono, Chaz was destined for a music career and love life of the most absurd proportions. After developing a fondness for dancing, Chaz just wants someone to foxtrot with into obscurity.


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SHOUT OUTS! To the DJ spinning at the house party on Friday: You can't clap along to every song and you need to lay down some beats that make people want to dance not have a seizure. And the song SHOUT is a horrible choice to end the night... you are the worst! To Blaise, Idk if your gay, but after grinding me on the dance floor and begging to come back to my apartment with me, I was expecting a little more then what happened...and that wasn’t my name you shouted, which concerned me… Nicole!!!! Is it still stiletto night if there’s snow coming down like kray kray? Dear neighbor two doors down from me, I don’t understand what’s so fun about throwing phone books in the hallway, and why it causes you to yell. Catherine, I don’t think calling our professor out on her feminist remarks is going to stop her from being a feminist, but you can sure try…and fail… Dear milk, why do you always leave when it’s time to hang out with cereal? Milk and OJ just aren’t the same… Matt, were you seriously holding hands with Megan while ON the treadmill? Come on! Lisa, the gorilla glue isn’t holding my shoes together…It’s making them bigger. Mike and Jeff! I don’t remember the name of the game, but it ended with one of you getting your ear pierced and it was awesome! Let’s play again! Dear dodgers fan from San Fran, I still love you. Also, Giants are way better. Love, Girl who shares your bed every Saturday SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com


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if women wrote porn... Katrina Nicholson wrote this As a 20-year-old angry, single woman during Valentine’s Day season I'd say I'm a fairly credible person to speak on this topic. I'm also a film major, so if anyone knows about shot composition , artistic framing and the sorts, it's me. A month or so ago I was briefly introduced to the low-grade web-porn that my male friends watch on a daily basis. The front page is covered in big-titted, open-ass-crack, jizz-covered, sloppy-faced porn stars. I immediately felt uncomfortable, and was not turned on in the slightest. My guy friends made fun of me endlessly as if I was in the wrong. Let me tell you something, if women made porn I can guarantee it would be a hell of a lot more hormone-stirring, boner-boinking, and provocative. How would I achieve all of this? I would give it a plot. A sexy surgeon goes into the back room of the hospital to change into her uniform. She's tired but she is HORNY. She hasn't had action in weeks because her husband has been out of town on a business trip. You can see it in her eyes: she's lonely and dissatisfied. Well you know what? There's a solution to that. It's Mr. Available and Sexy. He's a fellow surgeon at the hospital, he's been a bachelor for years and he's ready to settle down. The only problem is that the woman of his dreams is taken. Yes, it's Mrs. Surgeon. So in this moment, he bursts into this back locker room, sees her sitting there, sees that she's vulnerable and he expresses his undying affection. She knows she shouldn't give in to temptation, but he's saying things that her husband would never even think to say to her! She gives in, passionate kissing and eventual sex ensue. In the next scene cue a male patient who’s suffered a seven-hour erection after taking one too many Cialis. Enter the female doctor, lo and behold, it’s the high school sweetheart who left their small town behind to pursue her big-time dreams of becoming a urologist. Small talk ensues, it’s evident the spark between the two still very much remains. Just as she’s about to see what’s wrong with his business he leans over and whispers gently in her ear, “Remember the barn after junior prom?” She does. Moments later you’d never believe a sterile medical office could be so dirty. I would be so turned on. We could even throw in a few cheesy doctor pick-up lines during foreplay.

THIS IS GOLD! In about 2 minutes I just came up with a killer plot for a porno that would turn on both men and women. As long as the men see tits and sex they're all set. The woman needs the emotional shit to get turned on and if you mix a little of both, there you go. You've got a fucking money maker. You could even give it a great title like Anatomy of Affairs. That gets me interested! It's provocative and just raunchy enough to make me aroused. There needs to be a market for females in the porn industry. Some of us are single, horny and not willing to mess around with the entire single-male-douchebag college population. (It's exhausting and unsatisfying.) So maybe some women in Hollywood should band together and make some of these plot-driven and unrealistic love scenarios happen. If it happens, I just might be willing to whip out my vibrator and pay a couple bucks for a viewing.

NOW HIRING! So there you are, sitting in class (well, not really since you’re reading this) and you think to yourself, “Man, I wish I could be doing something fun right now...like writing about how much I hate campus parking, or why my friend who went to Wisco is now the biggest douchebag in the world!” Well good news—we want to cover those topics and more! Or maybe you want to market our awesome mobile apps and our website? Or you want to throw parties? Whatever it is, we want you on board...now!

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My Date With The Devil Much like many of our readers, I have a very specific Valentine’s Day tradition that keeps me sane when this godforsaken date rolls around each year. However, my tradition may differ from some of our readers in that instead of nuzzling up with a loved one, eating CVS-brand chocolates and watching Love, Actually or Love and Other Drugs (or some other shit movie with “love” in the title), I ingest a nearly fatal dosage of psychoactive mushrooms in a PB&J sandwich and proceed to trip shit until I forget about just how lonely I really am. This year, things got a little too otherworldly. The conversation below depicts the events that followed. The Vatican did not approve this. And if you’re religious … this is 100% real and not made up in any way.

got two seats reserved at P.F. Chang’s a half-hour from now. I promise I’ll go easy on you once you die if you just do me this solid. Me: You’re not going to like, rape me with your fiery trident or something…are you?

(I’m sitting in my living room, talking to my couch about Keynesian economics and playing Connect Four with myself.)

Devil: Ugh, no. I keep my trident clean. And you’re not exactly rape material. Me: Kind of offended by that, but I’m chalking it up to the boomers. Let’s go.

Unknown Voice: Alex… Alex…Hey,fuckface, I’m talking to you! Me: Stay away from me, Martin Sheen! Devil: I’m not Martin Sheen, you asshole. I’m Satan. Me: Oh, well, why didn’t you say something, Lucifer? My bad, I thought you were going to make me watch that Wall Street movie. Devil: Ha! You’re not in Hell yet, pal. Me: So, uh, what do you want from me? I was about to go put jellybeans in my coffee maker and register to campaign for Ron Paul, so… Devil: This is kind of awkward because I’m supposed to represent “all the evil in the world” and everything, but….will you just go on a date with me? I know you’re not doing anything, it’s Valentine’s Day, and Gaddafi blew me off to go tanning with Joe Pa. Me: What?! Joe Pa went to Hell? Devil: Well, not technically—God is just waiting six months to tell St. Peter he died. Then he’ll go to Heaven. Me: Wow, He does have a sense of humor after all… Devil: Yes, he’s actually quite the jokester, but that’s neither here nor there. Bottom line is, I

(A red poof that smells and tastes like Flamin’ Hot Cheetos fills the room and makes me feel weightless.) Me: Wow, that was cool. Didn’t know you could teleport like that, Dev. Devil: There are perks to being the Fallen Angel… Waitress: I have a table for two under for “Perry.” Table for two for “Perry”! Me: So, just out of curiosity— are you using Rick Perry or Tyler Perry’s last name? Devil: Oh, Alex. Sweet, soft-skinned Alex. Does it really matter? They’re both going to Hell anyway. Waitress: What can I get for you, gentlemen? Devil: I’ll have the fresh Atlantic Cod, charred please. Me: I’ll just have the Caesar salad. Devil: Ooh, keeping it light…I like that. I like a man who knows what he wants. Me: Yeah…

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Devil: Stop licking your spoon like that, though. Everyone can see you. Me: Sorry, I’m kinda high right now. Devil: So, tell me about yourself…as if I haven’t been sitting by your bed watching you sleep every night since you stole that pocketknife from Wal-Mart when you were seven. Me: Hm. Um, okay. I’m doing pretty well in school and work and everything, but not so much with the ladies... That’s kind of why I ate those ‘shrooms earlier and now I’m here. At P.F. Changs. With Satan. My god, what is my life coming to? Devil: Two things, real quick: One, I’m the fucking Devil—I don’t care if you do drugs. Two, stop bringing up God. I hate that guy. He’s always judging me. Me: Tell me about it! Like, yeah, sorry I’m pro-choice on an overpopulated planet and have premarital sex, you white-bearded prick! Devil: His beard has actually retained its color pretty well for how old He is. I think he uses “Just for Men Touch of Gray.” Enough about him, though…food is here! Me: Wow, this is delicious. I hate to leave you with the whole bill, but I didn’t bring my wallet. You have yours, right? Devil: A wallet? Do you really think I use a wallet when I can just set fire to this entire restaurant and walk right out the fucking door? Me: I like your style. Devil: I like the way you eat your salad. Me: That’s super creepy. Devil: We all have our flaws… Me: Right, well, I’m about done with this salad, so…can this date be over now? My Roommate: Dude, what the fuck are you talking about? Why are you naked? And why are there jellybeans everywhere? Me: Satan? Where did you go? My roommate’s girlfriend: Ugh, this is super weird… why does he have a boner? ::cringes:: Let’s just watch Crazy Stupid Love at my place.

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Me: Hey, will you put my Caesar salad in the fridge before you go? My Roommate: You mean this pile of lettuce with nickels and ranch dressing all over it? Me: Yes.


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2-4-1's All Day, Everyday DJ Starts 10 pm

SATURDAY

S.I.N (service industry night) $1.50 Domestic Taps, Rails and $3.00 Jager Bombs 9-close

10pm - Close $2 Rails, Domestic Btls., Tier 1 Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Btls., Tier 2 Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots

45 Cent Wings All Day

SUNDAY

Happy Hour: 3-7 half price apps, 3-9 $2.50 "U" Call Its 99 cent taco's from 3-11 $1.50 Domestic Taps and Rail Drinks 9-close

10pm - Close $2 Rails, Domestic Btls., Tier 1 Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Btls., Tier 2 Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots

2-4-1's All Day EVERYDAY, EVERYTHING 1/2 Price Burgers

MONDAY

Happy Hour: 3-7 half price apps, 3-9 $2.50 "U" Call Its $2.50 Cheeseburger and Fries 3-11 $1.50 Domestic Bottles and Rails 9-close

Everyone Drinks Free! 9:30pm - 10:30pm Plus, 10 P.M. to Close: $2 Rails, Domestic Btls., Tier 1 Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Btls., Tier 2 Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots

$9 All the Pizza You Can Eat and Beer! 7pm-9pm

TUESDAY

White Trash Wednesday Happy Hour: 3-7 half price apps, 3-9 $2.50 "U" Call Its Free bacon from 9pm till it's gone 25 cent wings 3-midnight $1 PBR and High Life Tall Boys $1.50 Rail Drinks 9-close

WILD WEDNESDAYS! $2 Rails, Domestic Btls., Tier 1 Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Btls., Tier 2 Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots Live DJ/Dancing | College I.D. Night Free Drinks 11pm - Midnight (w/ college I.D.) $5 Cover Without College I.D.

$1 Tacos 3pm-close

WEDNESDAY

S.I.N (service industry night) $1.50 Domestic Taps, Rails and $3.00 Jager Bombs 9-close Happy Hour: 3-7 half price apps, 3-11 $2.50 "U" Call Its $1 Domestic Taps and Rails $2 Import Taps 9-close

fEELING LONELY? GET yOUR bAR IN HERE! ADS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

The Bar Grid


10

www.theblacksheeponline.com

A Love Letter from Your Stalker

My Dearest Love, It eats at my heart that you haven’t returned my calls these past few months. Then again, maybe your phone is just broken, or you haven’t been able to check your voicemail in a while. It was so silly of you to change your number; you should’ve known I’d find it, dummy. As Valentine’s Day swiftly approaches, my mind dwells back on the times that we’ve shared together. The day we first met, for instance, when I followed you six blocks out of my way to tell you that I thought your sweater was nice. Or our one and only date, which was the first time I ever had the chance to sniff your hair. I framed the napkin you used that night to remember the occasion, I have it hung up next to the lock of hair I took from you when I “randomly bumped into you” on the bus. I figure if someone doesn’t keep things to commemorate our moments together, who will? You completely forgot about our anniversary of the time you held the door open for me before that class we had together freshman year. I waited for you outside of Foellinger for three hours so that we could relive that magical moment. It’s okay though, I know how busy you get; I’ve memorized your entire schedule. Remember the time that I stood outside of your window in a trench coat and played “In Your Eyes” on repeat for 8 hours? Actually you probably don’t remember that because it turned out you weren’t home that night, apparently you didn’t spend the day at home watching your favorite TV shows and doing your laundry like you normally do every Tuesday afternoon. Were you with somebody? What’s his name? Does he love you like I do? I’m sorry about that. You know how crazy you make me. Which reminds me, I slipped into your room the other night while you were sleeping just because I wanted to see you. Now I know I’m not supposed to because of the restraining order, but the pictures of you that I’ve stolen from your photo albums and covered the walls of my apartment with simply don’t fulfill my desires anymore. Besides, doesn’t our love being forbidden make it even more romantic? I’d like to think so. While it does make things more exciting, it would be pretty sweet of you if you could have that

order removed. I’ve been getting better, I swear. I’ve stopped sending you gifts, I haven’t sent your friends and family threatening messages demanding to know what you’re doing in weeks, and I haven’t killed any of your pets in almost two months; although that’s probably because you haven’t gotten any new pets since the first two incidents. But all of these terrible things can just be some funny story that we tell our children someday. I think we should name them Roberta and Alexis, those are the names of my last two girlfriends, but let’s not talk about them, they’re gone now. You are probably planning on spending Tuesday with whomever this new person you’re dating is, but if should you find yourself alone because they mysteriously don’t come to get you, don’t let your mind dwell on the possibility that someone has repeatedly hacked them up and buried their severed body parts in my backyard. Think of calling me, who has always been with you even when you didn’t realize it. Truly, Madly, Deeply Yours, Stephen P.S. If you do decide to call me, I promise I’ll untie your mother from my basement and let her go home.


www.theblacksheeponline.com

Bartender

of the

11

Issue Age: 25 Nickname: Shiftsniper Major: Genetics Favorite Drink: Jameson on the Rocks Pet Peeve: People begging for free drinks based on their "big tips"

r e ffl e o L n o s Ja o Burrito loc

Worst Customer: Any UMN hockey player Favorite Shot: Frigid Bitch (Stoli blue dropped into a Monster with a splash of raspberry schnapps) Porn Name: Brad Johnson Favorite Bar: Sneaky Pete's

Hangover cure: Gatorade and Netflix

Three Wishes: More money, to own and play for the Vikings, to never get a hangover

Favorite Quote: Just put that anywhere

Valentine's Day Plans: Cook steak for the wifey

Favorite Musician: Static-X

How'd You Meet the Wife? She drunkenly stumbled into my dorm in T-Hall

drinking game:

deal or no deal

Since we’re all in the Valentine’s Day spirit, The Black Sheep thought it would be great to play a little game that exposes all of the nasty sexual fantasies that you and your boy/girlfriend have played out. What You’ll Need: A blank deck of cards (or just cut up pieces of paper, you cheap bastard), shot glasses, and any form of liquor. May we suggest Fruit Punch Burnett’s? It’s red! Like V-day! Number of Players: The more the merrier! And the more opportunity for all of your friends to reveal some things that you may or may not have wanted to know. Level of Intoxication: Depending on how slutty the people you hang out with are, well, things can get pretty shitty. How to Play: - Have everyone think of the most crude and disturbing sexual performances that they can possibly wrap their perverted minds around and write them on the cards. Try to think of at least 20. - Each person picks a card one at a time. - Read the card aloud. For example, “Ate donuts off of my boyfriend’s butt with my hands tied behind my back.” If you have done the act described on the card, you must take a shot. -Depending on the severity of the card, the group can up-vote it to two shots. Things like “juggled balls” obviously only get one shot, but something like, “Performed the Alaskan Pipeline on my girlfriend,” definitely should be up-voted to two. Maybe even three. Look it up. - Keep tally of how many shots each person has taken. -At the end of the game, the person who has taken the most shots is not only is the drunkest, but also has to let everyone slap him or her on the bare ass with a leather belt. NOTE: The point of this game is to get drunk and admit some weird things for the love of St. Valentine. If you lie about what you have (or haven’t) done, then you will be punished. Some way, somehow, by a higher power. The Game Ends When: You’ve run out of cards and everyone is thoroughly humiliated and strangely turned on.

recipe for disaster:

hummus A Middle Eastern classic— hummus makes a great, fresh-tasting appetizer and lunch, or a light healthy snack any time of day. Also, it has been scientifically proven that the only way to beat the terrorists is to steal their yummy, delicious food-snacks (I swear I’m not a racist, just a bigot). Pick a side, dammit, we’re at war. What You’ll Need: Chickpeas, oil, garlic, lemon juice, salt, pita bread and a blender. Cook Time: About 5 minutes. Fatty Factor: This shit is so healthy you might lose calories eating it. Let’s Get Baked: - Place plenty of chickpeas in the blender. We’re not going for scientific measurements here, just classic guesstimation. - Pour oil into blender; again, use your best judgment. - Put garlic into blender – either enough to kill a vampire or barely enough to qualify as an ingredient, (all depends on how much you like or dislike garlic). - Pour lemon juice into blender. - Add salt as necessary. - Blend on high speed until you see that it is smooth and creamy (gross). - If necessary, stop blender to scrape the sides. - Spoon into a serving dish. - Scoop into your face with pita bread. - Drape yourself in your American flag and get ready to start your day. Congratulations, if you have made it this far, you are officially an American hero. Your medal is on its way; please allow 3-4 business days for delivery.


the entertainment page

oscar-baiting

cd review

On February 26th the 84th Academy Awards will light up television screens the world over. The show is little more than glorified masturbation, a group of people getting together to reassure one another of their awesomeness. But what if it really were an exercise in masturbation? Well, break out the lube, because we’re making us some pornos.

The Artist Porn Title: The Hardest Synopsis: A true masterpiece that harkens back to the days of silent smut, The Hardest features scenes shot in color, using only the finest interracial couples the adult film industry has to offer. This silent (perfect for young masturbators looking to avoid awkward parental questioning!) climaxes with Tyler Hardthrob vertically dancing the night away with newcummer Alice Wundersnatch.

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close Porn Title: Scream Loud In Bed Without Clothes Synopsis: Set in a post-9/11 New York, this film features Tom Spanks and transsexual phenom Sandra Bullcock taking park in a series of sexual one-upmanship as they attempt to forget the suffering they endured as they watched those two long, hard towers cum tumbling down. You’ll be tearjerkin’ the night away!

Hugo Porn Title: Huge-O Synopsis: The son of a downand-out urologist, Huge-O is destined for the life of a street rat. One day, though, the 13-year-old discovers masturbation for the first time. Content with a life of self-gratification, this bildungsroman chronicles Huge-O as he continues living life as a filthy homeless man, embarking on a series of masturbation fantasies that keep him warm at night when the newspapers stuffed in his coat cannot.

The Descendants Porn Title: The Jizz Scent Pants Synopsis: Fatt Thing is a Honolulubased lawyer whose life takes a turn for the worse when his cheating wife is left for dead after an intense gangbang. Unsure of who the culprit is, Fatt is forced to repeatedly thrust himself into the dark kink underworld. Each wild ride leads him closer to the culprit, but also teaches him important lessons on female sexuality—lessons that could have saved his wife’s life.

The Help Porn Title: The Herp Synopsis: Jackin’, Mississippi sets the stage for Vagina “Skeetin’” Phelan’s daring escapades in a primand-proper pre-segregation southern city. Still a virgin, Skeetin’ (played by sensational starlet Emma Bone) begins writing a tell-all book about Jackin’s rampant herpes epidemic, which is rooted in the overly conservative school district’s lack of a proper sexual health curriculum. She chooses to contract the disease through a series of steamy lesbian encounters that burn harder than her soon-to-be-oozing sores.

Midnight in Paris Porn Title: Dick Tight in Pair of Tits Synopsis: Gil Bendher is an on-therise adult film star known for his ejaculatory prowess. He attempts to escape the temptations of fortune and fame in America by traveling across the pond to Paris, France. While there, Bendher accidentally enters a time-warp that brings him to the 1890s. Horny and alone, he quickly seduces a woman, but finds hygiene in the period wildly offensive. This epiphany allows him to see through the bushes, as he come to terms with his loads of fame, and being violently thrust into the spotlight.

of montreal Paralytic Stalks Paralyzing the stalks that are your brain nerves, of Montreal definitely delivers.

GRADE B-

Of Montreal is weird. Kind of like Animal Collective weird, but a little more listenable initially. And also kind of like David Bowie weird, but a lot of danceable tunes. This gang of poppy lunatics hail from Georgia, which is quite the distance from Montreal, but has little to do with the band anyway. Their latest, Paralytic Stalks, is only a reminder of how crazy this band is, how universally abstract you are, and if those mushrooms have set in or if you’re just in a permanently good mood.

and one of my favorites on the album. The beginning starts off with unusual beats and higher-pitched singing, bordering on hardly catchy, but definitely interesting enough to stand out. Somewhere, somehow, in the middle, it starts to slow down with some distant chanting, forcing the listener to take a breath, lean back and hold on. The song tapers off into near nothingness, with just the slightest hint of static to keep the listener hanging on for more, ending in a nice light with soft piano and vocals. Ahhh… everything will be okay.

Since forming in 1996, of Montreal has put out nearly a dozen full-length albums, with Paralytic Stalks being their 11th. While the majority of the album isn’t eerie, creepy, dramatic abstract sounds, these are what make the album uniquely poppy. Mixed in between pop tunes and electronic beats, these acid-induced dark sounds are a far cry from modern indie pop music and a damn refreshing cry at that. The ambient and eclectic layering of sounds are great to listen to with or without drugs involved, giving the listener an experience and actual feeling, which is hard to come by these days. Sure, Kevin Barnes unique psychedelic vocals might freak you the fuck out, but at least you’re feeling something.

This kind of music is hard to judge. Do I like listening to it? Of course— it’s different and it gets my attention, and sometimes even forces me to bob my head around. Do I want to listen to it on repeat? Probably not, because I think it might stress me out a little. But there’s no denying the utter creativity that this group has, comparable to greats like the aforementioned Animal Collective, Bowie, and even The Beatles. If you’re looking for something that’s out of your comfort level, of Montreal’s Paralytic Stalks will definitely do the trick.

Their final track, “Authentic Pyrrhic Remission” is just over 13 minutes long, yet feels like 3 different songs,

Moneyball Porn Title: Moneyballs Synopsis: Billy Beanflicker thought he was living the dream. A male pornstar by 20, he retired at 24 after a freak accident left his boner permanently misshapen. He took a job as the Production Manager for the Cokeland V’s, a lesbian production company based out of northern California. Wary of the sky-high budgets of rival porn companies based out of L.A., Beanflicker assembles a rag-tag group of lipstick lesbos, turning a profit by filming them doing some of the most degrading things the creamscreen has ever seen.

out now

The Tree of Life Porn Title: The Skeet of Life Synopsis: Widely considered a pornographic opus fresh from the mind of adult film legend Terrence Paldick, The Skeet of Life dares to ask the question, “Are we all nothing more than man yogurt?” Paldick ruminates on this theme through a series of vignettes starring classically-trained adult actors Sean Pennis, Harry Oldmanballs and George C. Cock massaging their members to climax in ultra-slow motion. Run time: 6 hours.

Sounds Like: Trippy Beatles with poppy screaming. Download: Wintered Debts, Authentic Pyrrhic Remission Listen to it When: You’re weird, and want to feel normal.

War Horse Porn Title: War Whores Synopsis: Opening at the dawn of WWI, War Whores features screen legend Mata Whori as a proprietor of a small brothel in west France. Hell-bent on helping her country defeat the German menace, Whori uses her womanly wares, seducing young opposition officers, and arousing feelings of resentment (and boners) in anyone who willfully calls the evil Kaiser Drillthem II their Emperor.

UPCOMING RELEASES Van Halen - A Different Kind of Truth Dierks Bentley - Home

Paul McCartney -Kissed on the Bottom The Lemonheads - Hotel Sessions

The Fray - Scars & Stories Dr. Dog - Be the Void

Ben Kweller - Go Fly a Kite Air- Le Voyage Dans La Lune


13

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Beat The Black Sheep:

The Taco Bell Challenge

Ten crunchy tacos from Taco Bell, a stopwatch and a mean competitive streak. That’s all we had. That’s all you need. Can you beat us? By Brendan

The Challenge

How fast can one man eat ten crunchy tacos from Taco Bell?

TheA 6’3”, Challenger 185lb male.

TheUm,Plan of Attack to eat those tacos as fast as I possibly can.

The Prediction

I was relatively certain that I could finish all 10 tacos. Prior to the competition, I was hoping to complete the challenge in less than 10 minutes. Those that had witnessed me eat before were guessing in the 6-7 minute range.

The Retroactive Diary Taco 1 (17 seconds): I go down on this taco faster than a Skid Row whore who hasn’t had a fix in an hour. Seriously, count to 17. Can you eat a taco that quickly? It’s as though millions of tiny MSG particles cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced. Taco 2 (24 seconds): Watching myself inhale tacos on video, I feel an overwhelming sense of selfshame. You know how when you hear yourself on the phone you think, “there’s no way I sound like that.”? Now picture yourself spastically eating as fast as you can. Taco 3 (24 seconds): The amount of food falling out of my mouth is just…disgusting. Taco 4 (22 seconds): Before I begin this taco, a co-worker ridicules me for not dousing my taco treasure in Fire Sauce. Clearly they do not understand that doing so would only add precious seconds to an incredibly time-sensitive challenge. Also: Fire Sauce sucks. There, I said it. Taco 5 (26 seconds): Somewhere in the middle of this taco I decide it’s time to take the first sip of my first drink. Diet Pepsi, of course, because I’m trying to lose weight with this challenge. Mostly by shitting my pants.

Taco 6 (28 seconds): After taking down the sixth taco before hitting the three minute mark, I’m 100% confident that I’ll demolish this challenge. It is not difficult. Taco 7 (27 seconds): I don’t really remember anything specific about this taco, but on the ride back with my food I saw a homeless child. I considered giving him one of my ten tacos. I did not, for the sake of the challenge. I still feel pretty bad about this. Taco 8 (24 seconds): I stab myself in the gums with a shard of taco shell. Honestly, that’s the hardest part of this challenge. When one is trying to shovel as much food into their pie hole as they can, injury can be expected. Taco 9 (26 seconds): At this point I’m not hungry, I’m not full, there’s not much left to the challenge and I’m just going as fast as I can to get the damn thing over with. Thank god third world countries have very limited access to the internet; this is gluttony at its finest, people. Taco 10 (31 seconds): Would a Taco Bell taco by any other name taste so distinctly of feet? Finally, YUM! Brand foods gets the best of me and I’m held to over 30 seconds on my final taco. Raucous applause fills the room as the crowd hails me as their new king. (Note: This does not happen.)

time: 5 minutes, 41 seconds

Are You In?

Think you can beat our time, tubby? Prove it. Tweet us at @theblacksheep99 with a link to a video of you mowing down on ten Taco Bell crunchy tacos. No exceptions. Do it, we’ll pop a picture of your bad, fat ass in the paper and send you a shirt. Yeah, we’ll even pay the postage.

The Aftermath

Honestly, eating that much Taco Bell wasn’t nearly as bad as we thought. As of this writing we’ve been digesting this future diarrhea for three hours and we don’t feel too bad. Sure, we’re a little gassy, but we expected to be moaning on the ground in throes of stabbing intestinal pain. The mental anguish, on the other hand, is pretty heavy. I just inhaled 1,700 calories in less than six minutes. And it’s not like I’ve even consumed high-quality food, the wet dog flavor never really escapes Taco Bell’s meat.

Don’t Believe Us?

Well, we videotaped the whole thing. Visit us at theblacksheeponline.com and search “Taco Bell Challenge.” The video will be hosted there, haters.


seek and find

Do you think you can find all this shit in that little fancy room? It ain't your mama's messy dorm room, so good luck, bro. Send us an email at games@theblacksheeponline.com showing us or telling us where everything is, and we may just give you some lovin'.


m.a.s.h

class tim e

tally

box

what does your future hold? Husband

Wedding Location

Honeymoon

• Benedict Cumberbatch

• New York City…Subway

• Fukushima, Japan

Mode of Transportation

• Bennie Hill

• Subway, the restaurant (no catering

• Muncie, IN timeshare

• Tandem bicycle

• Ben Roethlisberger

required!)

• Darfur

• Razor scooter

• Benjamin Button

• Mall of America food court

• Korean Demilitarized Zone

• Boatcar

• The set of Pet Sematery IX

Wife

• Servant boy

Small Side Business

• Courtney Stodden

Bridesmaids/Groomsmen Gift

• Kourtney Kardashian

• Sweet mix tape

• Bulletproof vest test subjects

• Cuckoldry

• Courtney Love

• Strap-on

• LARP fill-ins

• MISSIONARY ONLY

• Applebee’s gift certificate

• Selling used bottle nipples on eBay

Sexual Fetish

• Orphan wrangling

• Female domination

• Realdoll threesomes

• L. Ron Hubbard’s Dianetics

class tim e

• Courtney Cox


Now leasing for fall 2012

great location to campus • private bedrooms & bathrooms • individual leases • fully furnished apartments

go4studenthousing.com • 612.333.4567 • 1849 Washington ave south


Minnny - 2/8/12 - v02i02