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1) Play fun games from The Black Sheep when you're procrastinating studying. 2) Try not to get too wasted before your finals. 3) Don't cheat. Or, don't get caught. 4) Enjoy multiple spirits after your last final.

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expand your mind... skip 1 turn

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finish group project, squeel in delight

RULES:

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computer crashes! drop the f bomb 5 times

The Fun and Games Finals Issue

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i RIX s n T

I MA DE f f T UI

u EN T G t S M F

ES Z N GI UIZ I r e RTA AY , Q E! h OtENTE OLIDDLIBS MOR - - H A ND -M A


02

A SPECIAL

THANK

YOU FROM US

12

Why hello there, As you read this to kill some time between classes, or to avoid the inevitability of your own semester-long failures, or to keep yourself entertained while your significant other talks about who knows what (we’re guessing the Kardashians or Fantasy Football), just know that it’s appreciated. You see, this issue closes out our first semester here at Iowa, and frankly we’ve had a blast. While we can assure you that pumping out dick jokes and poop jokes issue after issue is hard work, we’re honored to have the opportunity to publish something we’re ostensibly very proud of. Like anything we’re trying for the first time there’s been ups and downs, (like sex!) some awkward, uneasy moments (like sex!) and way, way too much crying (like clown sex!), but the end result is always worth the pain. That said, we couldn’t have done any of it without wonderful readers like you, and our great advertisers who support us. You, dear reader, laugh at our bad puns. When something genuinely amuses you, you show a friend. She shows a friend, who shows a friend, who shows a friend, and in no time we have mad traction and strong word-of-mouth. You’re the dude who wakes up, decides to ditch class, and instead chooses to check out one of our advertisers. Basically—and this is no bullshit—you’re the reason this paper exists. With that in mind, we’d love to hear some feedback from you. We’ll be starting up just in time for spring semester, and we’d like you to let us know what tickled your fancy, just so we know we’re on the right track. Or, if you want to just write us some violent and vulgar hate mail, you’re welcome to do that. We get very lonely, you see. Again, let us know how you feel, baby. Shoot us a line at iowa@theblacksheeponline.com, let us be a part of your lives. WHY WON’T YOU LET US LOVE YOU? Sorry, we just miss you already. Thanks again, -The Black Sheep


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Word of the week Preprosperous:

Czar Shank Em Ready Mom No

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Definition: The generally broke nature of a college student. “Yeah, I’m gonna make so much bank when I grow up, but I’m drinking Colt 45 because I’m really preprosperous right now.”


04

THe top ten

final exam crammming

ways to procrastinate in iowa city

Callie Dolohanty wrote this Final exams are finally here and most of us are beginning to regret ignoring those “useless reading assignments.” If you, like myself, are one of those people who have gone through the semester doing the bare minimum, you’re about to endure a week full of flashcards, caffeine and sleep deprivation. Here are some tips to get you on track for a (barely) passing grade. Deactivating Facebook is a huge sacrifice that will net bigger wonders for your GPA. It’s inevitable that you’ll compulsively check your profile praying for notifications to distract you from the massive amounts of information that you are supposed to be retaining. You must resist this urge, not only is it counterproductive to your studying plan, it’s also guaranteed to turn your into a stalker of your most random Facebook friends. So to avoid spending a precious hour of studying time looking through 600 photos of that girl who was in your freshman orientation, trying to find a summer bikini shot, go to your account settings and deactivate your page for finals season. Don’t study with talkative friends. We all have them, the friend that is the funniest person in the world to go out with, who also manages to be the worst possible person to study with. Every time you’ll start to get into a studying groove, this friend will interrupt you with a hilarious story about something they found on Stumbleupon. Don’t be fooled by their resolve to be quiet and focused; unless these distracting companions pop some Adderall, your grades are doomed if you study with them.

The best way to remember information quickly is repetition, and there’s no better device for repetition than flashcards. So this finals week it’s time to transform yourself into the library loner who sits at a table with their piles of flashcards instead of friends. The only caution I give with flashcards is, don’t get too obsessed with going through them constantly. Every finals week you’ll see that person with the crazed look in their eye that has been up all night going through their flashcards to no avail, flipping through them fast enough to cause a seizure. Don’t be this person! Save your time and your sanity and take breaks. Taking study breaks produces better test scores and saves you from enduring the delirium that comes with excessive studying. After verifying this claim with a quick Google search I discovered that not only is it true, but as a student at Iowa we have an advantage beyond easy admissions and great parties. Walking through nature instead of urban scenes is proven to increase test scores, so taking a break looking over the river or walking through campus may be the easiest way to bump your score up by a few points. Deal with the cold and get out there. Stocking up on Red Bull is the first step towards a productive day or night or studying. That extra caffine boost will have you flipping through pages and flashcards at an unheard of pace. Red Bull may not literally give you wings, but you'll flying high when you're actually awake and prepared for the big exam. Just make sure to continuously slurp down its caffeinated goodness until you have gotten all of the studying done

10) Rekindle lost friendships: Your drunk-ass, Hawkeye vodka-drinking BFF from freshman year has recently fallen off your (semi-sober) radar. Give her a call and find out when she is doing this Friday night. Most likely, she is not burying her face in a textbook, like you had originally planned to. 9) Binge on burritos: Take this stressful time to test out the Panchero’s v. Chipotle battle. You may consider yourself a Chipotle fan all the way, but since eating multiple burritos is preferable to reading multiple articles about the digestive system, try out Panchero’s. For extra credit, eat at least six of your favorite burrito, wait for colonic implosion, and then spend the next day experiencing a bowel movement similar to childbirth.

or you have a heart attack from the excessive caffeine intake, and can score a doctor’s note with the words “cardiac arrest,” or “massive heart failure.”

8) YouTube: Start out by typing “kittens playing” or “fat guy singing” into the search field and continually click on the recommended videos. Nothing relieves stress like a kitten stuck inside a tissue box or a fat guy singing along to the “Numa Numa” song. Your geekier friends may encourage you to seek out Wikipedia and follow the links, but be warned: this may lead to inadvertent studying during your scheduled procrastination-time.

If you have no way of getting all of the studying done during the day, pulling an all-nighter is the last ditch attempt for a passing grade. If procrastination has plagued you up until the night before the test, you need to make the most of the little time you have. Do not fall into the typical all-nighter traps of using Stumbleupon or reading a few The Black Sheep articles, because although 24 hours seems like a lot, you probably have 72 hours of studying that you should've done weeks ago. Use those 1,440 minutes to the fullest and after you've finished the big exam, reward yourself with a nice big nap or a cool drink, your choice.

7) Get healthy: After surveying a couple burritos and staring at your computer screen for hours, you should probably get yourself to the CRWC. Of course you are doing this for your health, so you can easily justify ignoring your 10 page essay on the fall of the Roman Empire for one more hour. 6) Start watching Dexter: For the past couple months you have been avoiding the craze, instead of reserving one hour a week to embrace the obsession. Every one of your friends is infatuated with the serial killer, so there is no better time to catch up the on slaughter, chemistry final be damned. You weren’t planning on sleeping, right?

Final exam cramming is a stressful and trying time but if you follow these tips you may just be able to skim by and pass the finals. Maybe next year you will actually start studying early enough to avoid cramming, but who are we kidding, we'll always be procrastinators.

5) Online shopping: You have to buy Christmas presents sometime. Why not take a study break and buy that new dress for your annual spiked-eggnog get together or those secret Santa gifts? If you do it online, you don’t even have to leave your comfy corner in the library. “It’s convenient and necessary,” you’ll murmur to yourself, using a stack of textbooks as an ottoman.

S

4) Clean: Normally you consider the faint stench of dirty socks and skunked Busch Light palatable, but not today. When your alternative is to shove your face in a 500-page novel about a king from the 16th century, cleaning becomes the most engrossing activity since the first distribution of the internet porn. 3) Drink: There is no better time to embrace your status as a Hawkeye than just before finals. Stop by the nearest Kum & Go and buy yourself a handle of Hawkeye Vodka. Drink like a freshman again, and hopefully you’ll skate by your exams like you did freshman year.

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2) Nap time: After 15 weeks of studying, you know your body pretty well. It is a delicate, calibrated machine, and you know that you will retain more information if you take frequent naps. Like, five a day. If you are exhausted, running on your third espresso of the day, you will not get much done. Curl up on the floor of the main library and ignore the judge-y looks from strangers who think you are a homeless squatter. 1) Facebook: While studying, you have missed countless updates. You are probably weeks—if not months—behind on your Facebook stalking schedule. Log on and embrace the craving to click. Just because you haven’t spoken to them in two years, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t check in on old buddies. Check in to see where your old friends have checked-in. Check in to see how everyone is handling the stress of studying. Check in on your ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend. Check in on your new-boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend. Embrace the craving to click.

katie lindeen wrote this


05

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Are you Smarter Than?

*NOT HANKS REAL AUNT

6 ingrid's score

Sure, you may have been attending the U for years now, but my Aunt Ingrid is a product of the Cold War, bred in a Swedish bunker to defeat the Soviet Union in the arena of trivia. Since the Berlin Wall fell, her one purpose is now to shame you with her superior ability to memorize useless factoids. Test you knowledge against Ingrid’s with the eight questions below.

championships?

2) Who founded the Iowa Writers’ Workshop?

6) Which winner of the Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay attended the University of Iowa?

3) Where did Iowa Rank on the 2011 Princeton Review’s list of the best party school sin the U.S.? 4) What is Iowa’s longest consecutive run of NCAA wrestling

quiz:

1. How much do you like The Office? a) It hasn’t been really funny since the first few seasons. b) After every cast member autographed my torso, I had a tattoo artist ink their signatures into my epidermis for all time. c) I hate it worse than Osama. 2. What is your preferred method of entertainment? a) Books and magazines. I have more than your local library. b) Socializing. I need other people around me to have fun. c) Halo, Call of Duty, or anything that lets my frag pre-teens over broadband. 3. How would you describe your diet? a) My body is a temple which accepts organic foods only. Nothing but plant matter enters my mouth; I am too vegan for oral sex. b) If it’s the right temperature and fills me up, I’ll try it. c) Slim Jims, Mountain Dew, and gas station food. There are now enough

5) What year was the University of Iowa Established?

7) What was the first year that Herkey appeared at a football Game? 8) Which famous 1970s novel

was written in the University of Iowa’s English Philosophy Building? 9) On March 5, 1855 a local newspaper ran a print ad listing the University of Iowa’s tuition rate. To the nearest hundred, how much did a semester’s tuition cost? 10) What 1918 event caused the academic year to begin late and caused almost 40 campus deaths?

are you ready for holiday air travel?

artificial preservatives in my body that I will live to see our sun expand and consume our earth.

b) Once a week. Like a lizard. c) Normal-ish? Two or three times a day? I don’t really notice.

4. What kind of chair do you sit on when you type? a) The crappy desk chair that came in my dorm room. b) The pinnacle of ergonomic technology, it is more an extension of the self than a simple “chair.” c) Your average office swivel-chair: crappy cloth padding that will compress down into cardboard by the end of the semester

7. Loud, piercing noises (like an infant crying) make you want to: a) Take a moment to collect myself, then just ignore it. I was the kid who didn’t even notice that moron singing “The Song that Never Ends” on the school field trip. b) Leave the room. c) That noise? That’s nothing. Let me show you a really loud noise…

5. How well do you handle crowds? a) I prefer about 2 feet of personal space in every direction. b) Not funny, man. You know I’ve had severe claustrophobia since I got stuck in my locker. c) I mosh regularly. 6. How often do you go to the bathroom? a) Like a pregnant woman or an 86 year-old man: between every class, and several times per night.

your score

ingrid's answers

Hank Mauer's Aunt ingrid 1) George Gallup, founder of the Gallup International Organization polling company, held which position at the University of Iowa?

The scoreboard:

8. How much stuff do you have with you right now? In your pockets, your purse, all of it. a) Some books, a laptop, makeup, a water bottle, an extra sweater, my keys, my spare key, a daily planner, some snacks in case I get hungry, myb) Just the necessities. Keys, wallet, phone, and maybe an iPod or laptop. c) That guy who borrows a pen during every lecture? Yeah, I’m that guy. In fact, I borrow all my stuff for the person who answered “A.” I even heard that they have snacks.

1: Editor of The Daily Iowan. 2: ? 3: 2nd place 4: 7 5: 1847 6: ?

7: 1949 8: Rambo: First Blood, by David Morrell 9: $200 10: The Spanish Influenza Epidemic

correct answers: 1) Editor of The Daily Iowan. 2) Wilbur Schramm 3) 4th place 4) 7 5) 1847 6) Diablo Cody, Juno

7) 1949 8) Rambo: First Blood, by David Morrell 9) $4 10) The Spanish Influenza Epidemic

Results 8-13: Never fly during the holidays. Ever. There are many types of people who should not be on planes, and you are one of them. Air travel tests your ability to handle abuse and stress in every possible way. Whether the experience would simply be too traumatic for your delicate body and psyche to handle, or if you’re the type of person who would make your fellow passengers rip you apart if airport security hasn’t locked you up already, you are not someone who will arrive at their destination intact. 14-20: The Everyman - It’s going to be a somewhat uncomfortable experience, but you can fly nearly anywhere. Just keep doing what you’re doing: stay adaptable, pack light, keep your personal needs and bodily functions to a minimum, and ignore everyone around you. You are one of a legion of millions that recognizes the need for air-travel, but does not enjoy it. When someone asks how your flight was, your answer is always a shrug. 21-24: The Terminal Main - You are adapted to live in an airport, if necessary. Absolutely nothing— the crappy seating, the boring in-flight entertainment, the disgusting food (if there is any to be had), and the fact that the plane’s air consists of your fellow passengers’ recycled farts and exhalations—will not bother you. You have ceased to be human and have become… something else.

1. 2. 3. 4.

a)2 a)3 a)1 a)2

b)3 b)2 b)2 b)1

answers

c)1 c)1 c)3 c)3

5. 6. 7. 8.

a)2 a)1 a)3 a)1

b)1 b)3 b)2 b)3

c)3 c)2 c)1 c)2


06

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Your Holiday Guide to Drunk Shopping

tony tranwrote this

With the holidays just around the corner, it’s important to keep in mind the spirit of giving. Whether it be a new sweater for your mom or a new venereal disease for your significant other, giving can leave you and the other person feeling warm and fuzzy inside (though that could mostly be the VD). Though many of us will have some trouble finding the perfect gifts for people, sometimes that perfect gift is just a couple shots of whiskey away from revealing itself. Holiday shopping is stressful enough as it is. Why not take the edge off by getting completely plastered and buying a bunch of shit? So fill up your flasks and break out your credit cards, because we’re going drunk shopping! Designated Driver - First things first, always remember to designate a sober driver if you plan on using a car to get anywhere. Make sure your driver is okay with driving your drunk ass around town and always be courteous. Clean up after yourself when you vomit all over the dashboard and try not to pass out before you get to your destination. Be sure to pay them back buy buying them a bunch of stuff they don’t need or want. The Mall – Nothing mixes better than vodka and an Orange Julius smoothie from the food court. The mall has nearly everything you need for drunk holiday shopping. Feeling like you might pass out? Why not take a nap in the padded kids play area! Be sure to get a drunk picture with Santa before you leave. They

make wonderful holiday mailers! Nothing says merry Christmas quite like a photo of you vomiting in his bag of toys. Wal-Mart – Save money, live better! Or you could just blow all of your money in a drunken stupor at Wal-Mart. Be sure to grab a shopping cart so you can easily transport your debatably useful purchases. Make a game of it! See how much stuff you can put into your cart while running down the aisles before it all topples over! Grocery Store – When you shop for groceries while hungry you often end up buying more food than you can actually eat. However, the beauty of doing this while drunk is that you’ll be blessed with that magical drunken ability to consume more food than any one human should. You’ll eat everything you buy, probably before you even reach the cash register, so go nuts! Beware of eating too much or you may end up seeing that food again. Online Shopping – Who of us hasn’t unexpectedly received a leopard print Snuggie or a life-sized mannequin in the mail only to vaguely recall ordering it online during a drunken shopping binge? With sites like Amazon and eBay, your holiday shopping will be a breeze when you do it absolutely shitfaced online, the one place that’s still judgment free!

Iowa's Crossword Challenge Hank Mauer

your local knowledge 2

So when playing Santa this holiday season, do it the way the real Santa would and pound back a couple of spiked eggnogs when you go shopping. Just be sure not to operate a sleigh or handle any animal drawn vehicle after you do, because PETA is meaner than the Grinch with a hangover.

the hawkeye crosword!

3

BY HANK MAUER

4 6

7

8

9

10

11 12

13

Across Better not touch her. (2 words)

2

Down Greek Titan, local restaurateur.

ACROSS: 1) Better not touch her (2 words) 5) Monica's... "boss" ate here (2 words) 8) The store, not the baptist (2 words) 9) City, and street 12) An antlered, indigo mammal (2 words) 13) Mattel product, and university figure 14) Unfortunately named engineering building

Down 2) Greek Titan, local restauranteur 3) Almost an alum (2 words) 4) Iowa's flying ace 6) A national magazine's favorite dorm, in the 90s 7) Got ink? They do. 10) Sounds like "hot guys" 11) What's this artsy thing doing in our walkway? 12) "You have to be here."

solution:

14

questions:

DOWN: 2) atlas 3) ashton kutcher 4) kinnick 6) burge 7) nemesis 10) hawkeyes 11) boulde 12) buffalo

5

ACROSS: 1) black angel 5) hamburg inn 8) johns grocery 9) dubuque 12) blue moose 13) ken 14) seamans

1

Buyer Beware! - Though shopping drunk can be a beautiful thing one must beware dangers that present themselves. With a loss of inhibitions, you might end up buying something no rational and sane human being would ever or should ever buy…like a Nickleback album (Remember: friends don’t let friends listen to Nickleback…ever).


HOLIDAY ENTERTAINMENT MATRIX . bloWin’ uP

.

T-Pain - rEvolver

.

.

nEW yEars EvE chEvillE - haTs off To ThE bull

.

WE boughT a zoo

rEal sTEEl

.

modErn WarfarE 3

. . . . . . . .

amy WinEhousE lionEss - hiddEn TrEasurEs

War horsE

lamE

.

ThE girl WiTh ThE dragon TaTToo

ThE rooTs - undun

ThE black kEys El camino

.

WWE ‘12

ThE lEgEnd of zElda: skyWard sWord

ThE siTTEr

currEn$y - jET World ordEr

undEr-hyPEd

cool

TinkEr Tailor soldiEr sPy


The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

Friday F.A.C. 3-8pm $3 Keystone & Busch Light Pitchers $3 Brothers Burger Baskets, $3 1lb. Wings $2 U-Call-It’s (excludes top shelf & super premium), Friday/Saturday 8-10pm $4 Keystone & Busch Light Pitchers $1 Long Islands (9oz. plastic)

WEDNESDAY $1 PBR Cans (8PM - 12AM)

saturday $3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Bombs Live Pianist (4PM - 2AM)

TUESDAY: Karaoke $3 Wells & Domestics No Cover

$3 Import Bottles (9PM - Close)

1/2 Price Wine & Martinis Live Pianist | No Cover (4PM - 2AM)

$2 Wells, Shots, Domestics $3 Calls & Imports No Cover!

Drag Show at 10:30! DJ Nate Dance Party $2 Domestics $2.50 UV Vodka Drinks

THURS

“Mug Club” $5 Mugs with $1 Refills (Wells, Keystone, Busch, LITs) $2 Domestic Pints, $2 Calls $2.50 Jack Daniels & SoCo Drinks

FRI

$1 Cherry & Grape Bombs $2 Jäger & O Bombs $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers $3.75 Long Islands $4 Premium Long Islands $4.50 Three Olives & RedBull

$2.50 Leinie Pints (9PM - Close)

$2 Domestics $4 Bombs Live Pianist No Cover (4PM - 2AM)

SAT

$1 Cherry & Grape Bombs $2 Jäger & O Bombs $3 Bacardi Mixers $3.75 Long Islands $9 Bud Light towers (Open-9p)

Make it a Double For Just $2 More! (9PM - Close)

$3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Bombs Live Pianist (4PM - 2AM)

Elation Dance Party $3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Bombs

Closed

Free Pizza at 10! Drag Show at 10:30 $2 You Call It $3 Bombs $3 Martinis

excludes top shelf, tequila, and scotch

SUN

Closed

SIN Sunday Service Industry Night $3 Whiskey (7PM - Close)

MON

Monday “1-2-3” $1 Wells $2 Bud Light Pints $3 Shots $9 Bud Light Towers

$3 Import Pints (9PM - Close)

$3 Three Olives Vodka Drinks No Cover (4PM - 2AM)

Closed

TUES

Taco Tuesday ($3 AUC2E @ 8PM) $1 Well Mixers $2 Dos Equis pints $3 Tequila Sunrise $3 Margaritas, $4 Patron shots

$2 16oz Tall Boys (9PM - 1AM)

1/2 Price Wine & Martinis No Cover (4PM - 2AM)

Karaoke $3 Wells & Domestics No Cover

WED

15¢ Wings & 25¢ Boneless (8pm- ‘til they’re gone) $1.25 Miller High Life Bottles $2 Bacardi Drinks $2 Domestic Pints $2.50 long islands, $1 Wells & Bombs (midnight-close)

$1 PBR Cans (8PM - 12AM)

$2 Domestics $2 Wells No Cover (4PM - 2AM)

Open Stage w/ Sasha Belle $2 Wells & Pucker Shots No Cover


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10

madlib:

1) Verb 2) Something edible 3) Something else edible 4) An activity 5) Adjective 6) Location 7) Reward 8) Medical condition 9) Mental condition 10) Type of pet

11) Childhood cartoon 12) Verb 13) Occupation 14) Post-Soviet or Sub-Equatorial country 15) Verb 16) Noun 17) Obscenity 18) Dirty job 19) Something bad you did recently

twas the kegger after finals... tony tran wrote this

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Need Advice About Exams? The Black Sheep Knows What to Do! When preparing for exams, it is very important to ___1___ often, and to also eat plenty of ___2___, though it is best to avoid ___3___. While your friends are out ___4___, you may find yourself ___5___, as you sit alone in your ___6___. But don’t worry! Good grades mean social acceptance and ___7___ from your parents. However, there are several things to watch out for: excessive energy drinks can cause ___8___, and possibly ___9___. If you reach finals week, and begin to panic as your future swirls around life’s proverbial toilet bowl like a dead ___10___, it is best just to remember ___11___ and ___12___like a ___13___ in ___14___. If your prospects begin to look dim contact your professor or academic advisor, ___15___, and beg for ___16___. If worse comes to worst, you can always drop out and become a ___17___ __18____. Your parents are sure to be understanding as long as you haven’t ___19___ recently.

Twas the kegger after finals, when all through the frat, The party was raging, though the beer tasted flat. The passed out pledge was laid on the sofa with care, With dick drawings on his face and vomit in his hair.

“Officer Clarence, and Joseph, and Danny and Dixon! Officer Gromit, and Rupert, Conner and Nixon! Inside the house! Inside the walls! Arrest them! Arrest them! Arrest them all!”

The music was loud and the liquor was strong, The stoners were taking hits from their bongs. Keg stands and shots, it was all in good fun. Celebrating the fact that finals were finally done.

And then in an instant, they were all inside, Screaming and yelling for us to abide. As I took a step back, and was turning around, From behind Officer Nicholas someone arrived with a bound.

Though it was cold, the girls didn’t care, They dressed like pole dancers, their asses practically bare. Perhaps they’d get lucky, but they’ll have no one to blame, For their freezing cold morning walk of shame. The boys were all eager to get a girl in their bed, Or at the very least to try and score some head. They’ll lie and say that they play guitar in a band, but most will up making love to their hand. When out on the street there arose such a clatter, I hopped off my keg stand to see what was the matter. When from the window there shined a blazing blue flash, I knew what it was! ‘Twas the cops! Let us dash! From the front of a room, I heard a drunken shout, “The cops are here, everyone! Get the hell out!” I dropped my red Solo cup and made for the door, But the place was too crowded with drunks trying to score. In the ensuing panic, many tried to leave and go But they ended up slipping on the vomit and snow. When, what to my drunken eyes should appear, But eight policemen, already here. With one policeman, so angry and quick His badge said that his name was Officer Nick. More rapid than reindeer his back-up came, He screamed and shouted and called them by name!

He was dressed in all blue, from his head to his toes. What he wanted with me, god only knows. He told me stay put, not to move a single inch I could tell then that I was in a pinch. How his eyes flamed, and not at all merry, His face was dark red, like a nearly-burst cherry. He had a bushy mustache, and a big round gut, This guy obviously liked eating his donuts. While he was distracted, while I was ignored, I decided it was time to make a break for the door. When I got up and ran, I had not one single doubt, That I was surely going to make it out. But alas, my friends, this sadly wasn’t so For when I began to run, little did I know That Officer Nick was quicker, I found, And he tasered my ass down to the ground. I was very sad that I had missed my chance, And now was convulsing and pissing my pants. He spoke not a word but went straight to work And stuffed me in his squad car so roughly, what a jerk. When I woke up the next morning, I was in a jail cell, Wondering what to my parents I’d tell. When I heard Nick laugh, sarcastic and with spite: “Happy keggers to all, and to all a good night!”


the ultimate at-home drinking game

One of the worst things about being at home is the inability to booze whenever you please. But have no fear, for obviously The Black Sheep is here to give you an entertaining and easy way to get your drink on during any of the many awkward times you spend at home. So grab a fifth and a flask, because you're about to get drunk (again).

on the car ride home

when decorating for the holidays...

Take a drink when you get a text from a high school buddy asking about your plans over break. Take a drink every time you hit repeat on your iPod. Take a drink every time you check Twitter on your phone. Take two drinks every time your parents ask you about your GPA this semester. Take two drinks every time your mom comments on your appearance. Take two drinks for every half-hour you're in the car. Take three drinks for every awkward silence. Take five drinks when you realize you left your phone at school.

Take a drink every time your cat starts eating the tinsel. Take a drink for every ornament you break. Take two drinks for every stocking you hang. Take three drinks every time you untangle a string of lights. Take three drinks every time you get on a ladder. Take three drinks for every time your dad drops an f-bomb while putting up the Christmas lights. Take five drinks every time your mom tears up during "Little Drummer Boy." Take ten drinks if you put up a huge inflatable decoration.

while celebrating the holidays with your family Take a drink for every gift you guess incorrectly. Take a drink for every pair of socks or underwear you get. Take a drink every time someone tells a story starting with "When I was in college..." Take a drink every time you catch someone feeding the dog. Take a drink for every National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation reference your dad makes. Take two drinks every time you catch the cat messing around in the Christmas tree. Take two drinks every time grandma notes how old you look. Take three drinks every time someone asks you how the service you didn't go to was. Take three drinks for every gift you receive that still has the clearance price tag on it. Take four drinks every time a relative retells a story. Take four drinks every time your 17-year-old cousin successfully sneaks wine. Take four drinks every time your parents jokingly mention Santa and think you're still amused. Take five drinks for every time your mom raises her voice. Take five drinks every time a new course is served. Take ten drinks every time someone mentions that you're single or asks when you're going to start having babies. Take ten drinks if grandpa passes out before 2 p.m.

while last minute shopping Take a drink for every drunk Salvation Army bell-ringer you see. Take a drink for every time you move a space in any given line. Take a drink every time you buy something for yourself. Take two drinks for every time an overweight woman nudges you then glares at you. Take two drinks every time you start sweating. Take three drinks when you see an elf touch himself wrongly. Take three drinks for every item you're looking for that's out of stock. Take five drinks for every screaming, crying and generally unhappy baby you see on Santa's lap.

On new year's day Take a drink for every bad decision you made. Take a drink for every episode of a T.V. marathon you watch. Take a drink for every tagged picture from last night. Take a drink for every butt slap or fist pound you see during the football games. Take two drinks every time you choke back vomit. Take two drinks every time you actually get off the couch. Take three drinks every time you get a glass of water. Take eight drinks every time you change your resolution.


12

holiday gift guide 2011 Under $25Gift Packages! The Party Person

MotorolaA

For the person who deadpans “What do you mean you can’t go out? It’s Monday! Coconut Water ($3) - If you don’t drink when you wake up, how are you supposed to drink all day? Sleep Mask ($6) - For when you forget to turn off the strobe light. Glitter ($0.77) - It’s important to look faaaaaaaaabulous. 6 Custom Beer Pong Balls ($14) - People are going to know you mean business.

The Designated Driver

Also known as your own personal guardian angel. Febreeze ($4) - Yes, there’s puke. But also sweat and pee and blood. This car is more disgusting than an army hospital. Barf Bag 5pk ($6.50) - They just cleaned their carpets, dude. C’mon! Compass ($5) and Road Atlas ($10) - For the most ghetto GPS imaginable. No asshole, there’s no Penis Boulevard.

Mr. Super Broke

What do you mean you’re going to be a little late on August rent? Ramen 12pk ($5.99) - Once they’ve eaten the noodles, they can use the cup to beg for change. 6 Shares of Ford stock ($1.81 x 5) - Sometimes it’s important to feel like a CEO. Windex ($3.99) and Paper towel roll ($1.50 x 2) - Get a job, deadbeat!

trix 2 Phone PRICE: $99 (for AT&T, $499.99 without contract) notable features: Android 2.3 network, built-in FM radio, 8 GB internal memory, plus an 8MP front and rear facing camera. (wireless.att.com) why it rocks: This phone is really nice. It has 4G speed, a pretty sweet camera that takes crisp photos and videos. And while many phones have a learning curve that rests somewhere between “rage inducing” and “fuck this, I’ll just use a telegraph,” the Atrix 2 is actually pretty intuitive in its use. Zumocast-- a program that allows you to access files and information stored on your computer’s hard drive—is one of the phone’s best features. Did we mention that this telephone even makes calls and sends texts? Crazy!

Hah, you don't need to answer that. Whether you've been naughty or just down right nasty this year, we've got plenty of gifts that you'll be begging to receive. You do know it's better to give then to receive, though, right? Of course you do... you're not on the nice list for a few very good reasons.

Lululemon

Destined for Greatness Duffel

Timbuk 2M

PRICE: $140 notable features: Weatherproof, industrial strength Velcro, buckle can also double as a bottle opener! (chromebagsstore.com) Why it rocks: This bag is waterproof and roomy enough to put your supplies for the whole day inside of it. If you depend on your bike for transportation, the bag has clips that could hold lights, a U-lock, or your dignity, for when you accidentally run into a car. Not to mention it has adjustable straps to ensure a perfect fit to your bod. Just strap it on and go! As if this bag wasn’t cool enough already… the buckle can double as a bottle opener, making grabbing a beer right as you walk in the door from work or class that much easier. Oh, and it comes with a lifetime guarantee, which already makes it better than marriage.

Are You on the Naughty List?

PRICE: $128 notable features: Goofy labeled pockets-galore to keep your junk organized, stow-able nylon straps to fit any size yoga mat, water-resistant fabric, and can hold up to 50lbs! (lululemon.com) why it rocks: This workout bag is perfect for the gym, or any other on-the-go occasion that suggests you would have to carry a ton of shit. Not to mention it’s actually cute! It’s super sturdy straps let you carry gobs of “necessities” with confidence. The bag also features tons of easily accessible pockets (most of which are labeled with quirky suggestions of what to put in them, sadly there’s nothing to hold your shattered dreams) for all your organizational needs. It even has a pocket that is designed to slide your laptop in to keep it safe, because you know how shifty those yogi's can be.

essenger Bag PRICE: $120 notable features: 50 different iconic celebrity faces staring back at you, waterproof exterior, lifetime guarantee and pockets on pockets. (timbuk2.com) why it rocks: This bag is really functional. It’s waterproof, spacious and can be adjusted to fit your frame. Padded straps make lugging around too much crap a little bit less awful. And with tons of pockets with different colored zippers, maybe you can actually find your keys or wallet without dumping all of the contents of the whole bag out. The lconoclast version of this classic Timbuk2 messenger bag is limited edition and is made with fabric that has the faces of 50 different cultural icons printed on it. Each is unique, depending on what swatch of fabric was used, which is cool. Anyone you get this for will use it everyday. Except for Sunday, that’s the Lord’s day.

Lap Dock 100 Motorola

Chrome

Citizen Buckle Messenger Bag

www.theblacksheeponline.com

PRICE: $249.99 notable features: High resolution, bright 10.1 screen, can be hooked up to a variety of phones (best paired with the Atrix 2), Motoprint application makes printing easy. (motorola.com) why it rocks: The lapdock makes using the web on the go easy and convenient, without having to lug around a heavy laptop (that would most likely only connect to wifi anyway). Just connect your phone to the port on the back of the device and you instantly have a bigger screen and a keyboard. It’s so much better than trying to use a tiny touch screen with your stubby sausage fingers. Hell, it’s so good it made us forget they aired those annoying commercials during the NCAA tournament last year.


PRICE: $7.99 - $9.99 for a six pack (includes Bellaire Brown, Black Cheery Porter, Chocolate Wheat, Pandemonium Pale Ale, Autumn Ale, Huma Lupa Licious IPA) Notable features: Delicious, high quality ingredients make this micro-brew delicious. (shortsbrewing.com) WHY IT RULES: All of these beers are rid-donk-licious, and can be considered a special treat for anyone (21 and up) on your holiday list. Shorts Brewing Company consciously only uses the finest ingredients and it shows. They really know what they’re doing when it comes to creating tasty brewskies. Not to mention that all of these beers have an ABV% of at least 5? If getting drunk in a warm, Keystone-free cocoon of smiles is your aim, Shorts will definitely do the trick.

Homebrewers Outpost

Beer Making Starter Kit PRICE: $134.99 (includes ingredients) Notable features: Everything you need to brew your own divine beers while still being cost effective. (homebrewers.com) WHY IT RockS: With this kit you’re able create your own beer at a fraction of the cost of buying delicious high-gravity craft beers elsewhere. Once you have the equipment, it’s easy to order ingredients. The process is easy enough, too (check back in the first issue of the 2nd semester as we try to make our own beer.) Brewing is the ultimate bragging right, it makes you superior to all your friends, because you’re getting tipsy off of your own hard work. What else could a beer guru dream of?

Peligroso Reposado

42 Tequila PRICE: $44.99 Notable features: Smooth, wonderful and full of the promise of a magnificent time. (peligrosotequila.com) WHY IT RockS: Everyone loves tequila, right? Well, Peligoros Reposado 42 is perfect for any holiday party. While all of your kind of trashy, lame friends from home are throwing down shot after shot of Burnett’s or Jose Cuervo, you’ll look like the epitome of class when you whip this bad boy bottle out. And since this tequila is still pretty new, you can be really vague as to where you got it. “Oh, I just know a guy…” will have your friends thinking you know someone in the cartel. Don’t forget the salt and limes!

13

Galaxy Tablet 10.1

ariety Pack

Samsung

Short's BreweryV

www.theblacksheeponline.com

PRICE: $499.99 (for 16 GB) notable features: Includes Adobe flash, brilliantly crisp widescreen display, and weighs only 1.25 pounds. (samsung.com) Why it rocks: This tablet is awesome. The highresolution screen is really crisp and the tablet itself has so. many. features. Even before you start downloading different apps like crazy. It has all the amenities of a laptop, but is incredibly easy to take on the go, and with 16 gigs of memory and almost 10 hours of battery life, using adult movies to weird out the guy sitting next to you on the airplane has never been easier. Also, it makes it easy to keep track of your plethora of social engagements… erm, exams and deadlines… with the agenda calendar right at your fingertips. It runs on the new and improved Android 3.1 Honeycomb network, which is still pretty similar to previous versions—making the conversion really easy. Check one of these out soon!

Under $25 Gift Packages! For the Lusty Lover

(They’re spare hole fits your round peg surprisingly well.) Bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill ($3.99) - If they’re actually excited about this, make sure you card them. Hard. Whipped Cream ($2.99) - If nothing else, it gives you an excuse to shower together. Tea Lights ($5.99) - Really set the mood, until you start your apartment on fire. Redbox Flick ($0.99) - If you play your cards right, you’ll be flickin’ their red box.

FOR THE Super Greek

(He’s totally your best brah that happens to be a brah in a house, brah.) Knock-off Wayfarers ($4.99) - Because the sun never sets on cool. Collegiate sweat band ($3.99) - I go hard for my school, what, do you go to state or somethin’? Beer Bong ($12.99) - Not chug-alug house! Leather Cleaner ($3.49) - It’s always important to keep those Sperry's fresh.

for the Study Buddy

(Friends don’t let friends go into tests unprepared.) 30 Adderall ($3.25) - If they don’t study all the info, how are they supposed to make sure you pass your test? Daily Planner ($9.99) - After you lost your syllabus, they let you know when the tests occur. Ambient Music Mix ($0.00) They’ve got to focus all night if you’re going to learn trigonometry. Quiet Library Snacks ($4.49) - You wouldn't want them to be the douche eating Sunchips, would you?)

Price: $89 (large, 38' diameter) NOTABLE FEATURES: Party tricks, potential of abs and popularity, did we mention it lights the f up? (moodhoops.com) why it rocks: Uh, how a LED light-up hula hoop not rock? With one push of a button the whole thing goes apeshit with internal LED lights that dance and move on their own. When being used, the hooper is completely enveloped in bright, colorful lights! By default this will attract anyone cool in your path and will make you extremely popular in no time! Hula hooping has also become very popular as a way of working out, so you could get a spring break ready body WHILE entertaining the drunken masses. It would be irresponsible NOT to get this for someone on your list (or just keep for yourself instead).

holiday gift guide 2011


SHOW US YOUR BOOZE: BOOK OF MATTHEW 2:1-12

They came from the east when they saw his star rise...

They came to pay homage to a new king...

The Three Wise Men.

The evil King Herod had also heard the news.

Threatened, he summoned the Three Wise Men to his court...

And demanded they find this new king...

...so Herod could destroy him.

They paid him no mind and continued their journey.

The star stopped, they arrived.

Inside, they presented the new King with three presents...

Goldschlager, the dankest scents, and beer.

For he truly was King of the Booze!

Meanwhile...


Quiz: What High School Friend Are You? 1. On the ride home with your parents, you couldn’t stop talking about… A) How the beautiful landscape reminds you that He loves you in a way your parents could never quite fathom. B) How every mile away from campus your heart aches more and more, knowing you’ll be out of his loving embrace for a whole month. C) How you can’t wait to unpack all your shit. And Mom, if you threw away that KoRn tapestry, I swear to god you’re buying me a new one. 2. The first thing you did when you walked into your old room… A) You took down your “Co-Exist” bumper sticker. What’s the point when you’ve found the one? B) You took down the hitter box you stashed in your closet. After the car ride with those losers you really need to take the edge off. C) You took down that Kate Upton poster. She just doesn’t compare anymore. 3. The first thing you notice about your best bud from high school is… A) You no longer think of him as a best bud, that’s reserved for the Purple Nurple, man. B) He’s not wearing a promise ring. C) That beer belly and long hair are a clear sign he doesn’t consider his body a temple for The Lord. 4. When said buddy asks if you want to hit up a party, you respond, A) “Do they have Skype? I need to use it.” B) “When did the party ever stop, dude?” C) “Let me put on my Temple garments first.”

Key:

1) A: 2 B: 1 C: 3 2) A: 2 B: 3 C: 1 3) A: 3 B: 1 C: 2 4) A: 1 B: 3 C: 2 5) A: 1 B: 2 C: 3 6) A: 2 B: 3 C: 1 7) A: 1 B: 2 C: 3 8) A: 3 B: 2 C: 1

5. The party was lame so you decide to catch a flick instead. You suggest… A) “The Muppets, I kinda missed most if it when I went with her.” B) “The Muppets, I haven’t protested a movie in a while.” C) “The Muppets, I hear it syncs up with My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, if you start playing it on your iPhone when Animal bangs the kick drum in the 3rd song.” 6. Driving around your hometown, you never realized there was so many… A) People who are destined for hell. B) Fuckin’ hot high school sophomores! C) Reasonably-priced homes for you and Karen to move into in three years. 7. When you run into the high school loser, you can’t help but say, A) “I’VE HAD SEX!” B) “Christ can heal more than just your physical body, my Brother.” C) “Hey, does Shakey Bakes have anything new in?” 8. To you, Christmas is really about… A) The presents you can return so you can finally buy that new vaporizer you’ve been eyeing. B) A day of celebration, for He has finally come. C) Making sure you have enough text messages left to keep in touch with your baby.

8-13: You’ve found love!

14-19: You’ve found God!

While most of your friends will come back from college regaling you with tails of depravity and lost innocence, you’ll be telling them about the cquiet Friday night you and Beth spent sipping hot cocoa and looking through photo albums. It’s all good though, those friends weren’t really getting any, they’re just narrating a movie they once saw on YouPorn.

There you were, ready to take that 4th hit of acid, when a cat turns to you and says, “Have you found your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?” The next day you realized you hadn’t, from then on, it’s only been Jesus Juice for you.

Dylan m dermott

20-24: You’ve found…college isn’t really for you.

beyonce knowles

After a semester of hanging out with some bros, plowin’ some hoes, seein’ some shows and snortin’ some No-Doz, you’ve had a blast. And while your social life is a solid 4.0, your GPA is closer to 0.4. Maybe living with the parents for the rest of your life really isn’t that bad.

Meet The Staff! campus manager Colin Lacy

campus director Brendan Bonham

Advertising Manager Kelly Zahery

Founders Cori DePue Cody Fishwild Callie Dolohanty Brendan Bonham Atish Doshi Heather-Jo Erickson Jimmy DeBlasio Jessica Sommers

marketing & distribution team Samanta Irey Colleen Froehlich Danielle Leopardo Writers Katie Lindeen Callie Dolohanty Cori DePue Hank Mauer Tony Ho Tran

Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com

Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com

Find Us At... AJB EPB Phillips Hall Van Allen Burge Dining Hall Hillcrest Dining Hall River Room Pat’s Diner IMU Brother’s Bar Piano Lounge

Studio 13 Joe’s Place Deadwood Yacht Club The Mill Short’s Bluemoose Taphouse Mickey’s Raygun Z’marik’s Mia Za’s

Pita Pit Bluebird Diner Oasis Falbo’s Pizza Pappajohn’s Pizza Mesa Pizza Taco Bell The Wedge Brueggar’s Bagels Breadgarden Market Which Wich

Ragstock Iowa City Public Library Teaspoon’s Telluride Apartments Key West Apartments Michaels Properties The Lodge Apartments Near Campus Pink Palace

Sam’s Pizza Apartments Chipotle G-Spot Salon Red Poppy Tobacco Bowl AND MORE!

Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally. Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747


Holiday Partyscopes!

Sagittarius (Nov. 21 - Dec 21.) You are trying way too hard to impress your relatives. I mean, you haven’t really done anything impressive. Yeah, you outdrank that senior at Alpha Sigma Alcohol once, but you can’t exactly tell your family that. Just shut the fuck up and hope they glaze over your recent arrest record.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) Oh god. Family, You are soooooo uncomfortable. Who do you talk to? What do you say? You don’t want to tell your life story to relative strangers. Are they judging me? Shit, I should’ve showered…Ok calm down spaz attack. Just smile and have a mouthful in at all times so no one can get a word in edgewise. You can’t talk if you’re wolfing down potatoes and gravy like there’s no tomorrow. Aquarius (Jan. 20 -Feb. 18) You hate everything else, so of course you’re going to loathe family get-togethers. As the resident Negative Nancy of the family everything from the food to the cousins to the family charades aren’t up to your standards. That’s probably why you’re going to get a serving or two, go into the T.V. room, and watch reruns of Desperate Housewives until your extended family leaves. Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20) You should have a large bottle of Valium handy, because you cannot handle people. They make you nervous. Looking nice, being kind, in general attempting to be presentable is just too overwhelming for you. I get it, you’re socially awkward. But maybe at least try a smile or two? The least you can do is bring the candied yams in. Aries (March 21 - Apr. 19) Let’s, be honest, you are probably a huge fatass. In your normal life, you shove cheese curds down your throat like a Playboy Playmate at a Charlie Sheen party. Good for you tiger, this is your holiday. Live it up, eat everything in sight, and try to not give yourself a hernia. Expect to puke up turkey for at least 4 days after. Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20) You generally utilize the holidays to attempt to wheedle money out of your relatives at all costs. You are not above bribing, sucking up, and blatant pandering. It is pathetic to watch, but what do you care? You’re getting your cash money. Your gluttony fits in nicely with the most recent holiday, you greedy bastard.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You’re most likely that awkward college kid still at the kid’s table. It’s unfortunate. You’re not exactly mature, so it’s not like you deserve a spot at the adult table, but you’re also not about to fling a handful of mashed potatoes at your aunt. Actually, you might do that. Revenge is a bitch, family! Who’s laughing now? Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You love this holiday because it makes you feel useful. You can help prepare the turkey, greet your relatives, calm the screaming cousins, etc. Enjoy it while you can; after everyone wakes up from their tryptophan coma, you’ll go back to being a freeloader on your dad’s basement couch. Get up and go get a job asshole. Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) Having all of your family in one place provides you ample opportunities to show off. If we get real here, you don’t feel validated unless someone tells you you’re awesome at least once a day. You might as well just wear a t-shirt with your grade transcript printed on it. (Helpful hint: you’re the annoying , overzealous cousin.) Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) You have always been the “good child”. While your siblings got arrested for underage drinking or selling crack in an alleyway, you always kept your nose clean (literally). The family is proud of you, and we here at the Sheep applaud you for not slipping into the age-old college trap of stripping to “get through college” and then just staying there for 5 years. Better not fuck up or you’ll let everyone down. Enjoy the pressure! Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) Both sides of your family are batshit crazy. And they hate each other. They vie for the attention of you and your siblings because you are actually normal and marginally well adjusted. What in the hell do you when they both gun at you, trying to shove cranberry sauce in your mouth? RUN BITCH. Grab a drumstick and hide in your room until everyone is too drunk to fight. I’m so sorry. Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) Rumors of your promiscuity have traveled from school back to your family (most likely through an unblocked facebook profile. Security that shit UP.) They are all going to stare at you and that giant bruise on your neck awkwardly when you ask for more stuffing. Be patient sweetheart, you’ll get stuffed soon enough back at school.

TOP TEN

Reasons to Drink at The Deadwood

1. We are not an Irish bar. 2. You can make a memory in our photo booth. 3. The Deadwood recycles vigorously. Check our competitors dumpsters. 4. Women do the same work as men at The Deadwood. The person checking IDs at the door is just as likely to be a woman as a man. 5. Angry Hour: 4:00 - 6:30pm.

6. The Deadwood women’s whiskey drinking team might be practicing. 7. Sally’s award winning chili is “free” with purchase before home football games. 8. Illinois residents are welcome and appreciated. 9. Sassiest waitress in the Big 10. 10. Pub quiz on Tuesdays.

Six South Dubuque Street | Iowa City, Iowa 55240 (319) 351.9417


Iowa - 12/1/11 - v01i05