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The Black Sheep • a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 3 3/29/12 -4/12/12
theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheep_IU
Excess Excise
ryan kennedy wrote this
On February 6th the Indiana State Excise Police initiated its Intensified Collegiate Enforcement program, or ICE. The program calls for a dramatic increase in the number of plainclothes officers at liquor stores and bars vigilantly working to completely screw over underage partiers. In addition to more Excise Police, there has been an increased number of IUPD patrols roaming the streets of Bloomington looking to bust house parties. Many bad things have been written, and even worse things have been said, about Excise Officers. Needless to say, they are always looking for a boost in the public relations department. So when I asked for the opportunity to ride along with one of their officers for the night they were more than happy to accommodate me. If they could convince me, a respected member of the press, of the merits of this new program, maybe I could carry that message to the people. I met Officer Richard Dick in the parking lot of the Big Red Liquors on 10th and College Ave. at 7:30 p.m. He swung open the passenger door of his unmarked car and greeted me with a smile so menacing it made me uneasy. As I climbed into the car, the stench of cigarette smoke burned my nostrils. “Ready to bust some minors?” he asked. “I’m just here to observe,” I replied. “So what do we do? Just sit here?” He nodded in affirmation, and so began my night with the Excise Police. As we sat in the parking lot, Officer Dick took the opportunity to educate me on the history of Excise Police. He explained that the Indiana State Excise Police was formed during prohibition to stop the illegal sale of alcohol. I thought about explaining to him that the 13 years of prohibition led to the highest instance of organized crime the United States has ever seen, but I got the feeling he wouldn’t appreciate it. Finally, after two hours of Officer Dick’s incessant droning, we got our first taste of action. I was half asleep against the window when a knocking sound brought me to my senses. I turned to see two kids, high schoolaged, standing outside the driver’s side window. Officer Dick
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rolled down his window, and they offered him money to buy them some beer. I wanted to warn them, but I convinced myself that these kids definitely deserved what was about to happen to them. To my surprise, Officer Dick took their money and entered the store. Minutes later he emerged with a 30-pack of Natty Lights. He set the beer on the hood of the car and whipped out his badge. Both kids immediately took off running. Rather than chase them, Officer Dick put the beer in the back seat, sat down behind the wheel, and cracked open a can. “Sure, they didn’t get tickets, but I got 10 bucks and a case of beer.” This was going to be interesting. I’ve seen some crazy things in my time in Bloomington, but I don’t think I’ve seen anyone pound beers as quickly or as aggressively as Officer Dick did that night. In no time at all he was 20 deep. What began as polite small talk at the beginning of the night quickly deteriorated into a full-on rant. “They never liked me!" he screamed between sobs. "They never invited me to any of their parties, not one! That’s why I do this! If I can’t have fun nobody can!” This wasn’t good. A good journalist always gets his story, but there was no way I was about to risk my life driving around with a blacked-out cop with an inferiority complex. Before I could get the door open Officer Dick put the car in gear and raced off, lights blazing, down the street after a white mini-van that had just left Big Red’s parking lot. The van pulled over to the side of the road. I gripped my seat as tight as I could as Officer Dick
swerved the car onto the sidewalk and pulled up directly next to the van. As he stumbled out of the car, I glanced into the van and saw a middle-aged woman behind the wheel with a completely sealed bottle of wine in the seat beside her. In the back seat sat an infant child in a car seat. “Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?” Officer Dick slurred. “I honestly don’t officer. Was I speeding?” she replied. “You’re under arrest for the illegal supply of booze to a minor!” he shrieked and launched himself through the window at her. The woman managed to push him away and sped off. Officer Dick kicked wildly at the car, lost his balance, and fell to the ground, knocking himself unconscious. Dumbfounded, I left Officer Dick where he lay and walked home. It was then that I decided it was better to come up with completely fabricated sensationalist stories rather than continue to endanger myself in the pursuit of a Pulitzer Prize. What did I learn about the ICE program during my ride-along? They accumulate a significant amount of money under the guise of upholding the most ridiculous drinking laws in the world for the sake of public safety. The ICE program expires in May, and it can’t come soon enough.
a look at what's around the corner here at iu
whoa, saturday's have morning's now?
The second Kentucky game was much easier on you posers.
see page 6
see page 7
see page 11
What You're Missing on Saturday Mornings
#IUBB! To the Fans Who Weren't