The Black Sheep
EAR FREE NED ... L FOR IKE T ACT HAT ING SC A L I K R YO E YO U UC ARE D.
Vol. 1, Issue 2
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
2/27/14 - 3/12/14
ARKANSAS STUDENT DESIGNER SHOCKS CROWD DURING NWAFW NIC KANAAR WROTE THIS
The first week of March not only brings us the hope of warmer spring weather, but also the annual Northwest Arkansas Fashion Week held in Bentonville. Student designers from The University of Arkansas have a night to showcase their aspiring talents to some of local fashion’s biggest names. This Thursday, at the 21c Museum Hotel the Student Designer Runway event held an unparalleled surprise. Sophomore design major Kim Wiq shocked the audience as she displayed a dress made entirely out of parking tickets. The Black Sheep brings you this puzzling story. The night had an impressive start as models sporting bright white cottons, leather garments, strangely-placed zippers, and tall shoes strutted down the runway. It wasn’t until the strange sound of crinkling paper could be heard that a hush fell over the crowd. As if on cue, model Sarah Cronwall came around the curtain in what appeared to be a strange papier-mâché outfit. Sporting an awkward smile and avoiding all eye contact, Sarah slowly made her way down the runway as the only sound heard above the rustling of the dress was designer Kim Wiq enthusiastically clapping her hands. We caught up with Kim Wiq to discuss her flammable creation. “It was so surreal seeing my vision up on that runway,” Kim said, “I mean, an entire four hours went into making that dress last night. I honestly never dreamed of making it to the big stage.” We asked what drove her to create an “outfit” made out of parking tickets. “Well, I get a lot of them. Fayetteville is really strict with their parking rules, and apparently not concerned about paper waste. I decided to save them all in hopes of doing some kind of crafty project someday.” We later found out that all 312 parking tickets that were used in the construction of the dress were not only cited to Kim, but also have never been paid. The dress that model Sara Cronwall wore is both the least expensive and most expensive piece at the fashion show. “Seriously, that’s like, $9,400 in parking fines, you’re taking on a whole lot of debt if you pick that one up, but I’m pretty sure Kim just made it as an excuse to get rid of those tickets,” Sarah said. The dress was brilliantly held together with Elmer’s Glue and four rolls of Scotch tape and required Sarah to stand perfectly still for one hour as the dress dried. “Yeah, it was quite the process, but she gave me a $17.00 gift card to
U.S. Pizza, so it was totally worth it,” Sarah said. Much to Kim’s dismay, not much attention was directed her way in regards of her artistic vision. “It’s kind of a bummer, I was really hoping someone would buy the dress. Then those tickets are someone else’s problem, you know?” As of this writing, the dress remains unsold. Not much has been heard
about the controversial designer Kim Wiq since the event. Witnesses say she was last seen that Thursday night outside the 21c Museum Hotel asking strangers for a ride because her car had been booted on all four tires. As for model Sarah Cronwall, it was later reported that the U.S. Pizza gift card she had received for her participation in the event had a balance of $0.00 on it. We look forward to seeing what kind of spectacular controversy this showcase has in store for us in the many years to come.
TOP 10: REASONS TO DATE A RAZORBACK GIRL
A SIREN SONG CALLED HOME
KXUA PLAYS MAINSTREAM SONG, NO ONE CARES
BESIDES BEING SUPER HOT, LOYAL AND CLASSY… THEY ARE SUPER HOT.
YOU CAN’T WAIT TO GET HOME, AND THEN YOU CAN’T WAIT TO LEAVE.
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IN FACT, PEOPLE ARE KIND OF STARTING TO DIG IT.
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GUESS THE MASCOT
Acting overtly religious when beneficial, only to revert to a traditional college lifestyle otherwise. Nathan would dutifully attend confession with his parents when home for the holidays, but being eventgelical, he’d confess to all the sorority girls he’d slept with while insanely drunk.
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THE LAND OF EBANON INVADED BY THUGS MEAGHAN BLANCHARD WROTE THIS A particularly mad kind of chaos ensued this week during a LARPing tournament gone wrong in Fayetteville, Arkansas. While regulars from the “IsenGuards” came dressed in their shields, makeshift arrows, and staffs, a new team called “The Frodo Sagginzes” caused quite a commotion. Though no one is sure how or why it happened, all agree that the face of LARPing will never be the same. It was a regular Friday in the land of Ebanon, also known as the Arkansas Union. The lawn, filled with peaceful melodies of foam swords slapping against skin and heavy breathing, was suddenly disrupted by the high-pitched banshee cry of fifteen boys attempting to krunk onto the field. All were confirmed to be under 140 pounds and wearing XXL jeans. All were dressed in bandanas, wife beaters, with Sharpie tattoos on their biceps. It appeared as if they were some sort of street gang. The clan was led by a third-year gender studies major named Scooter Daniels. However, during the match he refused to answer to anything but “Elf Hustler 9000”. No one is quite sure where Scooter and his team confused mystics with L.A Street Gangs, or where Scooter even heard about the tournament. “I guess maybe
they thought ‘Dagohir of the Dark Realm’ was the name of some street gang. I don’t know. You never know with Scooter,” said IsenGuards team captain Eric Murphy. All we know for sure is that Scooter and his team had no idea what was going on. “They kept running around challenging us to fist fights and freestyle rap competitions,” Murphy said. After about thirty minutes of trying to explain the rules, Murphy realized that it was pointless. Soon after, the “Sagginzes” became violent. Scooter harassed one helpless goblin for lying on the ground for the allotted time after a kill. “He kept screaming ‘GET UP’ and ‘FIGHT ME, SON. FIGHT ME!’” said the goblin, James McKinney. “I kept trying to explain that we have to stay on the ground for five seconds, but he wasn’t listening.” Elf Hustler 9000, angry with his reluctant opponent, decided to do an illegal wrestling move called “Bonsai Drop.” McKinney, after a few minutes of wheezing, found his inhaler and appeared to be fine. Scooter’s illegal street move seemed to accelerate the madness. “It was insane,” Murphy said, “They all started screaming and body-slamming the guys on the field. There’s only so much a cardboard shield
can do.” It only got worse from there. One of Elf Hustler 9000’s teammates dragged a bucket of tennis balls on to the field and began hurling them at everyone in sight. Scooter’s friends, mad from the rush of the game, began pelting random students walking by. Some claim the crew was screaming “BUST A CAP” repeatedly, but this claim is unverified. Though no injuries have been confirmed, a muffled “Holy shit. I think it’s broken” was heard somewhere amidst the chaos. The Black Sheep would like to note that though tennis balls are an accepted material for creating gear, “busting a cap” is not a registered LARPing weapon. Scooter ignored all penalties called for the Sagginzes’ unruly behavior. He was heard screaming on multiple occasions that “the hood had no penalties”, it was “do or die”, and that “rules didn’t apply when Wu-Tang raised you.” “Yeah. I lived in the suburbs, and I’m pretty sure he lived five houses down from me,” said an anonymous spectator. When school officials confiscated the tennis balls, Scooter angrily ripped his shirt off and seizured on the ground. After a moment of panic, everyone realized he
was attempting to breakdance. The team was banished from Ebanon shortly after. Everyone is still struggling to understand what happened outside the Union today. Though the LARP committee assures us that they’re still welcoming new clans and players, they ask that people read
the rulebook beforehand to avoid terrorizing the unsuspecting creatures of Ebanon. The committee also says that Scooter will be allowed back when “an elf can yield the powers of Stone Stance.” As of now, all we can really conclude from this event is that we hope that Scooter and his friends never encounter a real gang.
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REASONS TO DATE A RAZORBACK GIRL MEAGAN JANUARY WROTE THIS
Sure, you spent Valentine’s Day with a smile glued to your face, but we all know it, Razorguys, you were dying on the inside. You’re looking for something more substantial, something more permanent than the postDickson St. rando hookup, right? RIGHT? What you need is a University of Arkansas girl. Here are the ten most compelling reasons to date an Arkansas dime, and ditch the pennies. 10.) They call the Hogs with no shame: If you take a prospective girlfriend to an athletic event, your ideal good time would be her yelling right alongside you. There’s no need to worry about that happening with an Arkansas girl. Don’t underestimate her ability to paint an intricate hog replica on your chest, she’s been there, done that.
ARKANSAS ALLEGORY: SOCIAL MEDIA ON CAMPUS CLAUDE NOBS THE SECOND WROTE THIS
Some pretty interesting news broke a couple days ago, noting more people are getting back on Facebook. As a college student, this means you’ll be receiving significantly more likes from your mother as well as your great aunt Clara, whose relation to you remains unclear. Much like Facebook, The University of Arkansas is full of adults who pretend to care about your wellbeing. The world of social media is a cruel one, dominated by vanity, and mirroring its inhabitants and institutions in more ways than you could possibly imagine. Lucky for you, The Black Sheep exists, and we’re here to break it all down…after you like this post on Facebook. Twitter is like a digital Club Red, because it exists to fulfill a purpose no one’s entirely sure of. It’s like the shitty grocery-store-gas-stationhybrid of the Internet, and to top all that off, it only carries Pepsi products and doesn’t sell any fucking gas. Try fitting that complaint into 140 characters. Facebook is kind of like Old Main in that no one really goes in there if they can avoid it, and the median age is like fifty-seven. Every time that clock tower raises its voice to sing out through the crisp Fayetteville air we’re reminded of the passing of the sweet life we have yet to live, as it slips slowly through our fingers. This is how our grandparents feel, while they’re trying to figure out how to add us as friends on The Facebook. Then there’s Instagram, which only began to pick up steam on college campuses once sorority girls started doing that double-rowed pose—where the girls in the back stand up straight, and the ones in the front bend over just enough for us to see straight down their trendy new bandeau tops. Make no mistake, The Black Sheep does our research, and if that means looking at cleavage, then that’s a price we’re willing to pay for the advancement of science. Tumblr is a lot like the A.S.G., in that we all
know it exists, but none of us go anymore because last time we went, we spent three hours and learned a grand total of nothing. Mostly, we just sat there, wishing half the things we were looking at were really within our power to change. No allegorical tour of campus would be complete without a nod towards Pinterest, which is a lot like the new gym in the Union. It’s full of women staring at screens and daydreaming about things. Much like Pinterest, women are at the gym because they’re aiming for something other than what they currently have— they’re trying to make themselves better, just like the time they tried to make those wonderful snowmen cakepops, and we all know how that turned out. Some women only ever arrive at the gym. Once they see the hot bodies in spandex shorts who are already there, they get too intimidated to even try so they Pin the gym to their life board so they can come back to it another day. Spoiler alert, they’re not coming back. Pinterest and gymnasiums both have short retention rates, and in a town where beer and Chinese food are the paragons of mealtime, it wouldn’t take a sixth year PhD student to figure out which one usually gets skipped. You see friends, the world of social media is a lot like the lives we live here on campus in that it’s shallow, vain, and you spend three quarters of your time on it doing things that really aren’t related to your major. Then, when you think all hope is lost, you come to a striking realization: You’ve made some pretty good friends, seen some pretty good tits, and even actually learned one or two kernels of valuable information that you may or may not actually be able to apply when you finally make it to the real world. For now, we suggest you enjoy the social media while it lasts. After all, the real world is a lot like LinkedIn, in that everyone actually has jobs and responsibilities, and no one is holding a bong in their profile picture.
9.) They are prime party partners: You need a date to a function, a campout, a night on the town? These are your girls. Anywhere there’s a party, you’re sure to find a gaggle of gorgeous girls in tow. If she runs in the Greek circle, her little black book of secrets will tell her when every event will be, and she’ll be on the prowl for an invite. 8.) They are Southern charmers: The sweet southern draw will suck you in and drown you with sugar. You can’t be mad at a girl with a southern accent who interchanges “bless your heart” with “they’re not the brightest crayon in the box” as her meanest insults. 7.) They are Bible Belt babes: These girls will be out on the town with you on Saturday, and up singing in the choir on Sunday. A girl who reads her Bible to keep you in line may be just what you need. Her excuse for you is, “after all, Jesus did turn water into wine.” 6.) They keep their freshman figure: 99.98% of the girls on campus are active, they run, they hike, they do yoga, or they don’t eat. Any way they do it, they take pride in their figure. You’re welcome. But honestly, after eating Brough Commons for three days, you can’t look at food the same. 5.) They are fiercely loyal to one another: Now you may think this is a con, but fact is, it’s a pro. This means treat one girl right, the rest will know. Buy one girl a drink, the rest will flock to you. This is a great way to get your reputation as a sweetheart out to the masses. Then you’ll have your choice of the herd. 4.) They are smart: Arkansas girls care about their grades, they want to succeed and do well in school. She may even encourage you to go to class this semester, or she may become the breadwinner one day and you can be the trophy husband. 3.) They won’t bitch at you for hunting too much: Every Arkansas gal knows opening day is like Black Friday for boys, they get it. Half the times they’ll ask to go with you, the other half will be waiting and ready to cook whatever it is you killed. 2.) Your momma’s gonna love ‘em: If she’s an alum, chances are your mom was affiliated with Greek life. The initial contact will be so distracting; you and your father will be able to sneak off to grab a beer while they chat about getting your ass in Church Sunday morning. 1.) She’s hotter than your ex: These are prideful girls, they doll up, they show off, and they’re downright sexy. Never forget that. They make Victoria’s Secret models look like trolls. Some of them were ranked as the hottest girls in the SEC. Need we say more?
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ON THE STREETS WHAT WOULD A REALITY TV SHOW STARRING YOU BE CALLED? ea m n’s Rugby T UofA Wome
“Besties 4 the Resties”
h o m o re L aws o n , S o p
“The World Doesn’t Need Another Reality Show”
o p h o m o re Ca m e ro n , S
“The Royal Family: Southern Edition”
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A Siren Song Called Home JESSIE SAPENARO WROTE THIS
It’s been more than a month since you’ve been back in Fayetteville and you’re running out of clean underwear. Home is looking pretty attractive at this point, but don’t do it, man. Yes, clean underwear is conceptually awesome, but just remember how many wonderful things you can’t do while at home. While there, you’re bordering on being insanely comfortable and going completely insane, because even though being home has its perks, there are too many activities that you cannot partake in while residing in your parents’ home. While in Fayetteville, bringing someone home from Dickson St. is a common and expected tradition among college students. Even the little freshmen bring people back to their spiffy Founder’s Hall dorm rooms. But when you’re home, you can’t have your girlfriend come over for a quickie, or have your boyfriend come to visit you and sleep in your room. Maybe some parents don’t care if you and your boyfriend tear through the Kama Sutra book while listening to loud mash-up music in their basement, but the majority of them won’t be so hot for the idea. Along the lines of sex and all it has to offer, there are those days where all you want is to unwind. Your part-time job at Hammontree’s is really kicking your ass on the daily, which causes you to indulge in your favorite stress-releasing activity. Some people need to smoke a joint, others need a beer or five, and then there are those who watch a few hours of porn before feeling good. Families are great and all, but watching hours of internet porn with your dad isn’t healthy for either of you, mentally or physically. Remember that great story of when you went
out and got so wasted that you threw up all over the people in front of you at Bud Walton Arena during the basketball game? Well your parents don’t really want to hear about it, even though it sounds hilarious. Your mother may have given birth to you, but that doesn’t mean she wants to see you naked. Somehow though, there’s an unspoken understanding that you and your roommate are both going to walk around naked, or close to it. Being indecent in your own home with your family around is just uncomfortable. And a lot of parents don’t care if you’re drinking underage. A beer with dinner doesn’t exactly bother them as long as you’re not driving. However, you can only drink with your parents for so long before they start rubbing off on you. Before you know it you’re going to bed at 8p.m. to avoid a hangover. Having friends over to drink at your parents’ house doesn’t really end up all that great, either. Even a gal pals’ night with wine usually attracts dad downstairs to check out the hot college girls. And forget about a big party with a keg when your parents are out of town, because then you actually have to take care of your house instead of just saying good riddance to your safety deposit. So yes, breaks are great for catching up on Netflix and generally being a lazy piece of shit, but your parents really don’t mix well with your college behavior. Spring break should be a nice dose of home, but just remember it’s nothing compared to the three months of summer break you have to look forward to. Right now, here, have fun doing all the things you love without parental judgment.
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KXUA ACCIDENTALLY PLAYS MAINSTREAM SONG, NO ONE CARES NIC KANAAR WROTE THIS
Since 2000, The University of Arkansas’ very own radio station, KXUA 88.3, has been providing a soundtrack to the best years of our lives. With their strict policy of never playing anything that has appeared on Billboard’s Top 40 chart in the last 50 years, KXUA has been pumping out the non-hits for over a decade. Recently, however, The Black Sheep discovered a story that shook the foundation of KXUA’s tradition. On a Monday morning, February 23rd, an intern played a popular mainstream song… on purpose. The Black Sheep brings you this troubling story. Doug Stafford, a freshman communications major, was excited for his first day in the KXUA studio. After a five-minute tutorial on what buttons to press and a demonstration on how a microphone works, veteran DJ Kelcee left Doug alone to inspire the people of Fayetteville. “Sure I was nervous, but I’ve been waiting to have my own show for months now. I had so many ideas written down.” Doug took out a folded Zaxby’s napkin and showed us his list of ideas: “Reen-
act the ‘meow’ scene from Super Troopers over the air,” “share his super-thoughtout intellectual philosophies with the public,” and “play what the music listeners wanted to hear.” Little did he know, his last idea would cost him his job. Twenty minutes into Doug’s first day, the studio phone rang. “I didn’t know what to do at first, Kelcee, my trainer, had stepped outside to smoke po—uh, to use the bathroom, so I acted on instinct and answered it,” Doug said. The call came from an anonymous student who wanted to make a request. After playing a previous recorded interview with local band “Razor’s on My Back,” Doug played the requested song and smiled knowing he was already becoming the “people’s DJ.” “It all happened so fast, I played the song and within seconds Kelcee came bursting through the studio doors and started demanding to know what the hell I was doing. I didn’t know I had done anything wrong.” We brought in Kelcee to hear her side of
the story and to face Doug for the first time since the incident. “It was bullshit, man, he completely broke the KXUA’s number-one rule,” Kelcee said, tucking one of her dreadlocks behind her ear, “we don’t do mainstream, and we definitely don’t cater to the man.” Kelcee snorted when we asked her who exactly the man was, but Doug interjected before she could further her reply. “The song was ‘Let Her Go’ by Passenger, that’s indie enough, isn’t it?” Doug said. Kelcee’s response came in the form of her attempting to leap over the table to smack his stupid face, but she was restrained by the mediators in the room and was escorted out. We hit up the Student Union to see what kind of blowback Doug’s colossal mistake has had on the student body. “Yeah, I heard it played on KXUA last week,” said Peter, a junior, “I was glad, I really enjoy that song.”
“Are you talking about the ‘Slam Poetry’ station? I didn’t know they played good stuff like Passenger. I’ll have to check them out again,” Sara said, obviously misguided.
lions of people already have heard and enjoy no one would even bat an eye? That’s just disgusting,” Kelcee said before storming off to host her Organic Book Club at Arsagas coffee shop.
“What the hell is a ‘KXUA’?” another anonymous student said.
Does Doug’s fatal misplay stop with him, or should we, the public, be held responsible for letting this atrocity fly without even noticing it? The Black Sheep urges the listeners of KXUA to take pride in our radio station that consistently spins Bsides from German bands that broke up ten years ago. Without 88.3, what else would we listen to?
The lack of concern from the student body has left the entire staff of KXUA worried that their message is falling on deaf ears. “Great, so if we played songs that mil-
oh come on, you remember how to play! tally some marks on the paper for as long as your brain tells you to, then count through the whole list and cross off whatever corresponds with that number. when there’s only one left in each category, boom, that’s your future. live it, love it.
The best man is… - Drake - Jay Z - Kendrick Lamar - Eminem
She got you a blinged out… - Rolex. - cat collar. - tapestry. - vintage Shelby Cobra.
The band at your wedding was… - U2 - Neutral Milk Hotel - Dashboard Confessional - Radiohead
His special gift for you was… - a brand-new elliptical. - 1% stake in the Dallas Cowboys. - a naked sculpture of himself. - a few bars of gold.
The celebrity priest was… - Lil’ Wayne - Coolio - All of the Wu-Tang Clan - Nas
They performed your first dance song… - “Sweet Caroline” - “D.A.N.C.E” - “Psycho Killer” - The Star-Spangled Banner
The maid of honor is…. - Nick Minaj - Missy Elliot - Chanel West Coast - Beyonce
He even got you a present! - A subscription to Entertainment Weekly. - A $150 Victoria’s Secret gift card. - A Milky Way candy bar. - A gold iPhone 5.
Your favorite moment of the night was… - Leaving. - Falling asleep on the wedding cake. - Seeing your maid of honor and the priest hook-up. - finally having a decent poop.
BARTENDER of the WEEK Favorite Drink: Budweiser Favorite Shot: Jäger Barrel Disgusting Drink: Four Horsemen What subculture are you secretly infatuated with?: Dude, I like the crime mysteries on the I.D. channel. Invent a holiday, what would it celebrate?: National Beard Drinking Day. Why do birds fall in love?: If they don’t, they lose their feathers and they can’t fly. It’s simple science. Vaguely threaten your worst enemy.: Russell Wilson, I’m looking out for you, buddy. What element on the periodic table best describes you, and why?: Oxygen; because it’s lifeless around here without me. What’s the last lie you told?: I just told some people about fifteen minutes ago that “I enjoyed it,” but… Are you always this insufferable?: No.
BILLY of Grub’s
DRINKING GAME Saucy Skyscraper When flip cup and beer bongin’ cheap beer just doesn’t do it for you anymore, it’s time to pull out the fancy stuff. This game involves some minor engineering skills, though, so get your nerdy friends to have some fun with you for once. What You’ll Need: A die, 1 shot glass, 3 cups, bottle of tequila, case of beer, bottle of wine, some sort of whiskey or rum, Coke (or any other mixer you want), and a bunch of sturdy coasters. Number of Players: As many as you want! Level of Intoxication: Just hope lady luck is on your side or things can turn ugly. How to Play: - Make a tower of drinks in the following order (top to bottom): shot glass of tequila, half-filled cup of a mixed drink, full cup of a mixed drink, full cup of white wine, and a can of beer. - When you stack up the drinks, put a coaster in between each layer. If this is just like, way too difficult for you to handle, you can place them in order on the table instead. (It’s not really a Saucy Skyscraper then. It’s more like a Liquor Line.) - Players take turns rolling the die. The first person to roll a 6 takes the shot of tequila. - Continue rolling until the next person gets a 6. He or she must then remove the coaster. The next person to roll a 6 drinks the half-cup mixed drink. - The game continues in this way—waiting for players to roll a 6, removing the coasters and drinking up. - While playing, always wait for the person to finish their drink before rolling the die, EXCEPT for the beer. As soon as someone rolls a 6 and is stuck drinking the beer, the rest of the players pass the die, trying to roll a 6 before the beer is gone. - If the drinker finishes the beer first, all the other players have to take a shot. If someone rolls a 6 before the beer is done, the drinker must finish the can and then take a shot as well. The Game Ends When: You finish the tower and still have enough alcohol to build another one!
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Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because humor makes the world go around, man.
RECIPE for DISASTER Chocolate-Covered Bacon Two of the world’s greatest creations combined together can only mean one thing: a sweet and crunchy mouth orgasm. Skip the gym today, stay home in your favorite sweatpants and turn on that Law & Order: SVU marathon, baby. The only place you’re going is chocolate-covered bacon heaven. What You’ll Need: 1 pound of thick cut bacon (DON’T be cute and get turkey bacon), 12 ounces of white chocolate, 12 ounces of dark chocolate, 12 ounces of milk chocolate, 12 ounces of more chocolate just for the hell of it, and any toppings you want (sprinkles, crushed nuts, more bacon, etc.) Cook Time: 30-45 minutes Fatty Factor: You can’t have too much of a good thing. Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat your oven to 375 degrees and line a baking sheet with parchment paper. - Bake the bacon in the oven for 20 minutes until it’s nice and crispy. - Let the bacon cool for a few minutes before putting the slices on paper towels to soak up the extra grease. - Melt your chocolate on very low heat in different pots over the stove. You should probably do them one at a time because we know you’re not good at multitasking and because chocolate can burn pretty easily. - Using tongs, dip a slice of bacon into your chocolate of choice and make sure both sides are coated. Lay the dipped pieces down on a clean sheet of parchment paper. - Sprinkle the freshly-dipped bacon with your toppings—sprinkles, more crunchy bacon bits, cinnamon, crushed almonds, anything you want! Let the chocolate sit for a few minutes or put them in the refrigerator until they’re hard. Eat up!
Survivor Ratings Falter, More Boobs Is The Answer Hugh Jass wrote this
After the Survivor: Caramoan season finale hit an all-time low of a paltry 10.16 million viewers, producers decided that they needed to do something drastic to bring the show’s waning viewership out of a tailspin. But reenergizing a program that was faltering as it approached its 30th season was not going to be a cakewalk. After running through various scenarios that included tribes composed of pro athletes, deposed politicians, and washed-up singers, producers finally settled upon a format for the 28th season. The show’s development staff unanimously decided that there needed to be more boobs on prominent display. In order to do that while appearing politically correct, they divided the tribes by the traits of “Brawn, Brains, Beauty.” Unfortunately, the season premiere of Cagayan did not fare nearly as well as CBS analysts predicted, and it left producers of the show scrambling. “We really messed up on this one. There weren’t nearly enough boobs, and the Brain tribe was just plain awful,” said producer Jeff Probst. “Everybody hates nerds, that’s why we gave them all swirlies in junior high. I don’t know what we were thinking.” Probst, along with the other producers, put together a crack focus group to confirm suspicions of where they went wrong. Unsurprisingly their fears were correct, and the focus groups demonstrated that people cared least for the Brain tribe, with reasons ranging from “They ain’t got no nice titties on ‘em” to “If I wanted to watch a bunch of ugly, unfunny brainiacs I’d be tuning into The Big Bang Theory.” Probst and the producers had forgotten the golden rule of reality television: intelligence has no place in it. “People who watch reality television fall into two camps,” explained Probst. “The first camp is made up of people who want to laugh at the subjects and feel more secure about their lives. Take Jersey Shore for example. They look and those idiots and say ‘I might be a slut, but hey, at least I’m not as bad as Snooki!’ The second camp of people wants to see catfights and look at boobs,” Probst adjusted his crotch, attempting to conceal his enthusiasm. “Personally, I fall into the second camp, which is partially why we went the direction that we did.”
“If I wanted to watch a bunch of ugly, unfunny brainiacs I’d be tuning into The Big Bang Theory.” With Survivor being filmed in the summer and broadcast months later, altering the show was going to be an issue. However, all the participants were rounded back up to re-film, except for one group. “We completely took the Brain team off the island, and replaced them with models from the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition,” a wild-eyed Probst claimed. “The season is also being rebranded with the three tribes representing Brawn, Boobies, and More Boobies. We figured we’d stop pulling punches and call a spade a spade.” Probst tapped six models from the 2014 Swimsuit Edition roster. Among the newly-added contestants is Kate Upton, two-time cover girl for Sports Illustrated. “We’re thrilled that we were able to snag her. Without her we would’ve really had some problems reaching our DD-cup quota, but she gave us a lot of headroom” Probst said, grinning from ear to ear. Probst is especially excited for Hannah Davis to be joining the cast. “She’s one of my favorites. Her body is perfection, and I’m very excited to be only feet away from her in a swimsuit,” he raved, excusing himself to the bathroom. Early polls are demonstrating that the show may nearly double its viewership when the new cast makes its debut. “We’ve been toying with the idea of having a live episode and there being a ‘wardrobe malfunction.’ The money we’ll reap in viewership numbers will far outweigh whatever fine gets stamped on us. This is off the record, right?” a very sweaty Jeff Probst asked. “I didn’t even realize that show was still on television, but if there is even the slightest chance that Kate Upton’s top might fall off I’ll be watching every episode,” said Sam Dean, a recent graduate. “Hell, I sat through all of Piranha 3D because there were some topless broads in it, I can deal with Survivor.” There will also be new challenges to capitalize on the new cast. “I’m really looking forward to the kissing contests, which I’m going to be judging of course,” Probst chortled. Season 28 will also see the addition of contests like a slow motion jogging challenge as well as bikini mud wrestling. However, the original Beauty team is not happy with the addition of the swimsuit models. “I was supposed to be salivated over. I was supposed to be the one everyone was talking about. Now they bring in all these models and I’m playing second fiddle,” scowled Morgan McLeod. McLeod is not alone, as many of the other members of the Beauty squad have complained as well. “I was brought here on the grounds that I would be able to flirt my way through the entire competition. Forcing me to use my other, less developed skills is completely unfair and not what I signed up for,” stated former beauty pageant contestant and current trophy wife Kelly Demming. Upper management at CBS was initially concerned that the addition of models to the program wouldn’t be catering to the female audience enough, but a short meeting with all the castmates changed that. “The girls really got into it at our first meeting, it was wild. There was hair pulling, screaming, the whole nine yards,” said Probst with a smile. “This is starting to become The Real Housewives of Survivor, and chicks love that type of garbage.” While it has become clear that Survivor is on its last legs, producers believe they can squeeze out a dozen more seasons with the new format. “We figure that as long as people are still tuning into TLC to watch 600-pound people try to live their lives, there is a place for Survivor on the dial. Especially if the show has lots of boobs. And exciting challenges, but mostly boobs,” said Probst as he grabbed a bottle of lotion and left the room.
THE KEANU REEVES SHUFFLE Do you know what movies all of these Keanu Reeves characters are from? Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
1) Point Break 2) Speed 3) The Devil’s Advocate 4) The Matrix 5) The Replacements
6) 47 Ronin 7) The Day the Earth Stood Still 8) Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure 9) Constantine
the crossword famous sara(h)s
ACROSS: 3) This company is famous for making baked goods and more, two words. 5) SJP played this Carrie on Sex and the City. 6) Sarah Drew plays this doctor on Grey’s Anatomy. 7) Darlene Connor of Roseanne’s real last name. 11) Sarah comedian who was married to Jimmy Kimmel. 12) Sara Quin is one-half of the duo featuring her twin sister named what? 13) Sarah Palin was governor of this state. 14) SARAH is a fictional smart house in what SyFy TV Series? 15) This famous children’s book featured Sarah, who was plain and what? 16) One of the most famous jazz singers of our time, Sarah who? 17) Sarah Ferguon is this kind of royalty of York. DOWN: 1) Sarah Michelle Gellar married this late-90s dreamboat. 2) Sara Blakely is the founder of this popular women’s undergarment company. 3) Sarah, the private college. 4) This famous Sara had the 2007 hit song “Love Song.” 8) Sarah McLachlan founded this woman-friendly music festival, two words. 9) This Florida city’s motto is “Where Urban Amenities Meet Small-Town Living.” 10) Former Playermate of the Year and host of G4’s Attack of the Show!
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