black friday madness KEVIN BOGEL Copy Editor
The day after Thanksgiving should be spent filling our hearts with warm feelings and surrounding ourselves with family as we recover from food comas. Instead, it is used as an excuse to go haywire with materialism. For those who consider shopping a sport, Black Friday is the equivalent of the Super Bowl, the World Series, the NBA championship, or the Stanley Cup. It is the chance for thousands of Americans to compete to see who can buy the most stuff with the least money. Black Friday is a death trap waiting to ensnare the wayward shopper, turning honest Americans into soulless fiends. Store clerks are trampled under stampeding crowds, and deranged customers are willing to kill one another for a flat screen. The want for more, more, more turns wonderful moms into crazy women who threaten to shoot other shoppers to obtain a better spot in line.
//snarque On acing your college interview
And if they survive the other customers, shoppers are emotionally crippled when the stores sell out of the one item they were looking for. So if you are thinking about going out on Black Friday, don’t. It’s not worth your money. If you ignore my advice and decide to brave the unforgiving crowds at the mall on Black Friday, here are some items that might come in handy: 1. Mace: To keep that loser from eyeing your merchandise. 2. A syringe and needle: Filled with a mixture of caffeine and taurine to keep you going all day. 3. A shopping partner: Preferably someone truly committed to you so they won’t leave after you make them carry all your stuff. 4. RV: So you can camp out all night – you can even celebrate Thanksgiving in the Nordstrom parking lot! 5. Storage space: Because after trip four your basement is going to overflow.
CRAZINESS PERSONIFIED: People on Black Friday last year line up for their share of American consumerism.
the real housewives of medina [satire] LONDON LEE Photo Editor
Having had my dreams so recently crushed by not becoming a Homecoming Princess, I have now set my sights on getting into college. The application itself may be important, but the thing that can make or break acceptance to a dream school is the interview. After my own successful interview, I have decided to give some advice to those who may be socially inept. You might be intimidated at first, since you really want to get in to your first choice university. But have no fear! Follow my handy tips and prepare to receive your acceptance letter: 1. Wear the most revealing clothing you have in your closet. If you don’t currently have any that is appropriate enough, take some scissors and have a field day. Bonus: It will show your interviewer all the creativity in your college-bound body. 2. Make sure to stare into their eyes with the intensity of a thousand white-hot suns. It’s chic and will let them know that you’re interested. Don’t break eye contact for anything, especially blinking. It is a sign of weakness. 3. When you shake their hand, make yours limp like when you move it like Bernie. If you wait for them to kiss your hand like a princess, it will show your high expectations and even higher level of sophistication. Even if your class rank wasn’t all that high. 4. Ask about the interviewer’s hard partying ways while he or she was at school. Also make sure you emphasize how much you like to party. It will show that your interest in the university lies in more than academia. 5. Find the opportunity to describe something in graphic detail, just like in your college essays. Use an exaggerated metaphor to relate your desire to attend the school to the time you saw a butterfly hatch from a chrysalis in second grade. 6. When your interviewer asks what your passions are, start sobbing. Preferably uncontrollably. It will definitely show how emotionally involved you were in C-Team Basketball your freshman year (until you quit halfway through the season). If you’re a boy, you will be praised for being sensitive. You’re welcome.
EE ON L
cious Starbucks nonfat caramel macchiato with half a teaspoon of whipped cream. After indulging my taste buds, I will then begin my daily skimming of body fat at the Bellevue Club’s “Booty Boot Camp” class. Once I have worked my butt muscles to the max, I will spend my afternoon at Whole Foods, admiring the variety of South Beach diet plans until I must rush home to witness America’s best bitch fights in The Real Housewives of New Jersey. After acquiring my daily dose of exhilaration, I will pick up my precious pumpkins from Medina Elementary and stop at the local Green Store for a high fiber bran muffin and protein smoothie. Realistically, I will probably run into several of my BFFs and end up engaging in a fervent debate over which trophy wife will dominate this year’s Medina auction. After coming home to a fresh house, made clean by Molly Maid services (what would I do without them?), I will commence my scrapbooking extravaganza as my Brazilian au pair prepares a dish of roasted lamb for my hubby and the kids. Once the kids have been put to sleep, I will make sure my gray hair count is zero and sink into a nice bubble bath in hopes that tomorrow will not be nearly as stressful as today.
MARIKA MCCARTHY, ROBIN WINSTANLEY Staff Writer, Opinion Editor
After countless drives through Medina, helplessly gazing at the herds of beautiful blonde women power walking in matching lululemon boogie shorts, I have decided where my future lies. Forget graduate school or even the four year university: I want to be a Medina Housewife. I have realized that in order to secure this position of honor and prestige, I must from here on dedicate my life to perfecting my ultimate role as a successful housewife. As a mother of twins, I will be married to a Microsoft consultant. My house will be pearl white with dark blue shutters and a bathroom no less than 1700 square feet. Every morning, I will eat my daily dose of steel cut oatmeal and organic almond milk, then admire my lusciously fruitful breasts in the mirror, only to find I must cut my time short in order to fulfill my daily commitment of driving my kids to school. Dressing them in matching Burberry blazers, I will hop into my brand new white Range Rover Sport, fully tinted of course, and make my way to Medina Elementary. Four and a half minutes of driving will have already induced an unsuitable amount of stress on my beautifully glowing orange-stained skin. For this, I will allow myself to splurge on a deli-
NOVEMBER 18, 2011
Published on Mar 29, 2012
Published on Mar 29, 2012
OPINION THE BARQUENOVEMBER18,2011 LONDON LEE Photo Editor On acing your college interview You’re welcome. CRAZINESS PERSONIFIED: People on B...