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THEARLE PUBLICATIONS & BRENDON THEARLE PROUDLY PRESENT

Protect and Survive Have a Nuke-Clear Day! Inspired by ‘Protect and Survive’, ‘When the Wind Blows’ and ‘Threads’ with a touch of ‘Fleabag’ THREE YEARS IN THE MAKING! (Better be a bang…) Brendon Thearle 2016-2019

Protect and Survive - © 2016-2019 Thearle Publications, DO NOT DUPLICATE! The original ‘Protect and Survive’ is under the copyright and rightful ownership of the British Government and is used for theatrical, informational and parody purposes only under the Freedom of Information Act and Fair Dealing Act of the United Kingdom, in other words, please don’t sue us!

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Cast of Characters Tom, a married man who absolutely despises his wife; Jennifer – pussy(cat) Jennifer, a married woman who also absolutely despises her husband; Tom - cunt Michael, the unfortunate son of Tom and Jennifer - should have reported them to Child Protection services… David, a typical stereotypical British pub owner whose obsessed with football and nothing else – what a wanker Christopher, a regular man who is secretly a criminal - but, be quiet, it’s a secret! Jason, yet another regular man who is also secretly a criminal - but, be double quiet, it’s also a secret! Michelle, a stereotypical sexy bombshell who is also a drama queen (and secretly Russian) – can I get her number? Brian, a businessman and a hopeless romantic - poor guy… just like the writer of this shit Richard, a rich turd – probably a politician Radar, a dog that might be fake depending on the show’s budget – when in doubt, dress up a member of the crew, no one will know any the wiser – trust me!

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Scenes Stage One - Panic

Stage Two - Introductions

Stage Three - Care

Stage Four - Hate

Stage Five - Kill

Stage Six - Hunger

Stage Seven - Livid

Stage Eight - Sex

Stage Nine - Death

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Information regarding ‘Protect and Survive’ for Cast and Director Protect and Survive was a public information series on civil defence produced by the British government during the late 1970s and early 1980s. It was intended to inform British citizens on how to protect themselves during a nuclear attack, and consisted of a mixture of pamphlets, radio broadcasts, and public information films. The series had originally been intended for distribution only in the event of dire national emergency, but provoked such intense public interest that the pamphlets were authorised for general release. The play; Protect and Survive is based and the main inspiration on the booklet and public information films of the same name and shows the uncertainties the British government had when threatened with nuclear attack. The play is loosely based in the 1970s with references from the era and is set in central London around the time nuclear war was at its most damning. The characters are overexaggerated stereotypical 1970s British citizens and the cast should keep this in mind when performing. The play is set in nine stages.

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Stage One: Panic The stage is empty, music plays: Ceefax Twin: Protect and Survive. As the music starts, the stage lights up in dark blue, as the man instructs people on what to do during a nuclear attack, the cast walk in randomly with books in their hand which are the handbooks of the same name provided by the British Government. The cast all look worried and considered, some of the cast don’t care and think that this is all a hoax. As the music progresses into an eerie type of music, the stage is set into a pub the play takes place in, the name of the pub is called; ‘The Prospects of Fissile’, as the stage is set, music fadeout, blackout. If the theatre space provided offers such a service, a video clip from the Protect and Survive infomercial is played, if not or due to copyright issues, a sound clip from the Protect and Survive infomercial is played explaining how nuclear explosions work and is explained either by the video clip or by diagrams. Blackout. The sound of a siren is played warning people of a possible nuclear attack, lights fade in onto the pub where David, the pub owner, is busy watching a football match on the television, completely ignoring the panic that is ensuing outside. Sounds of people screaming and running for their lives can be heard, after a while, Brian enters the pub looking around for any signs of life, he notices David and rushes towards him Brian: Hello?

David is still busy watching the television and ignores Brian completely Brian: Sir? David: (Busy watching television) Wot? Brian: Well… I was just wondering if you’re establishment is offering shelter?

David is confused by what Brian has just said David: (Looks at Brian) Shelter? Brian: Well, can’t you hear the warning sirens? David: Sirens?

David listens out for the warning sirens, which can be clearly heard, but David chooses to ignore them Play – © 2016-2019 Thearle Publications

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David: Nah mate, I’m busy watching this

Brian looks at the television and then looks back at David Brian: You’re more interested in watching a bloody football match then arranging shelter?

David looks at Brian, couple seconds of awkward silence David: Yeah

David returns to watching the football match. Brian scoffs Brian: You do know that in a state of emergency, your establishment has to offer shelter to the public David: Why the bloody ‘ell are you looking for shelter for goodness sake, you’ve killed someone? Brian: What? No! David: Good, then fuck off

David returns to the football match. Brian is baffled by David’s disinterest towards the situation Brian: Aren’t you hearing all the screams and panic the people outside are causing? David: No, why, has Thatcher won? Brian: No! David: Good, never liked the bitch

Brian is absolutely gobsmacked by the whole situation Brian: Well… I don’t think we are going to have a general election if the bombs go off!

David looks at Brian with amusement David: Bombs? Jesus, Margaret really wants to become Prime Minister, doesn’t she? Brian: No! The nuclear bombs!

David looks at Brian confused

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David: Nuclear bombs? Wot the fuck ya talking about? Brian: The bloody nuclear bombs the fucking Soviets are going to throw on us! David: God, those cunts again? They always like stirring up troubleBrian: Didn’t you read the handbook? David: What handbook?

Suddenly, two gentlemen enter, Christopher and Jason all shocked with something stuffed in their pockets David: Oh, what now? Christopher: Oi mate, do you have any shelter? David: Why the hell is everyone asking for shelter. Don’t tell me you’re like this idiot here, he’s saying there’s a nuclear attack going to happen soon Brian: There is! Can’t you hear the sirens? David: Nah mate…

Pause David: I’m half deaf Christopher: Fuck me! Jason: Did anyone read the bloody handbook this stupid government provided? Brian: I did! I’m assuming you two have also?

Pause Christopher: Nah, we couldn’t be half-assed we were busy robJason: Rubbing… each… other… David: Oh God no! I’m not having any faggots in my pub! Go on, get out!

Suddenly a family enter, Tom, Jennifer and their son Michael enter with their dog Radar. As usual, Tom and Jennifer are arguing

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Tom: Look, I told you we could have driven back to Guilford and stayed with mum and dad Jennifer: No, we couldn’t, by the time you would have started that old wreck, we would have been burnt to ashes and besides… I can’t stand your poor excuse of parents Tom: My Reliant Robin is very good, thank you very much!

Pause Jennifer: A pile of shit more like it

They notice the others Tom: Oh sorry, how rude of us, weJennifer: I’ll do the talking dear. Your brain cannot process the manpower to do public speaking Tom: (Sarcastic) Okay dear, you know best. (Undertone) Bitch Jennifer: We are trying to lookBrian, David, Christopher, Jason: For some shelter?

Jennifer is surprised by everyone’s response Jennifer: Oh, you’re all looking for shelter… how nice… Um, who’s the owner of this establishment?

No answer, everyone looks around for David who is busy watching the football match on the television Brian: Can you stop watching that bloody football match!

David turns to look at Brian slowly David: Sod off! Brian: No, I won’t!

Brian looks at the television

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Brian: Why is BBC1 showing a football match, they should be broadcasting the national emergency alarmDavid: Maybe because there isn’t a ‘national emergency’ Brian: THERE IS!

Brian snatches the television remote from the counter and starts flipping channels, but nothing happens Brian: What the hell is wrong with this thing? Why isn’t it changing?

Pause After a while, Brian notices the VHS player playing something, Brian slowly approaches it and presses the eject button and takes out the VHS tape, which is labelled ‘Football Match – BBC1’. He turns around towards David furiously Pause David: I missed last week’s match-

Brian flings the VHS tape towards the television which busts the VHS tape and television screen David: Oh brilliant! Now we can’t see the national… alarm… thing…

Brian furiously looks towards David Brian: Ugh, I can’t believe this! Okay, did any of you fine people read the handbook the government provided? Tom: Handbook? Jennifer: Oh, you mean that Protect and Survive handbook? Brian: Yes! Oh, thank God, you’ve read itJennifer: No, we couldn’t be bothered

Brian screams in anger Michael: I think I have!

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Brian: Oh, thank goodness. See? A boy out of all of us read the handbookMichael: They had some nice boobs in themBrian: What? Jennifer: What!? Tom: You sneaky little bastard Brian: OKAY! So, none of you have read this handbook. The handbook that could save our lives… Jason: What’s so important about this handbook anyway?

Brian is shocked by Jason’s remark Brian: So important!? That handbook has all the necessary guidelines that could help us in this nuclear attack Tom: Nuclear attack? Brian: Oh my God, have none of you watched BBC News lately? Tom: Nah, we’re more of an ITV family Brian: I don’t believe this…

Suddenly, a man; Richard, dressed in fancy formal clothing enters Richard: Excuse me? Are there any peasants in this fine establishment?

Richard notices lower-class citizens and is immediately disgusted Richard: Oh my God there are, well never mind it will have to do David: More fuckin’ idiots… and this one looks like a Tory MP Richard: My name is Sir Richard Norris if you don’t mind David: Definitely a ToryRichard: And I support Labour David: Nevermind

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Radar comes to sniff Richard’s legs Richard: Ugh! Take away this filth away from me Michael: He’s a dogRichard: I prefer pussiesChristopher: Doesn’t look like it Michael: And his name is RadarRichard: Good for him, now… uh, I assume this establishment has its own sort of shelter, yes? I must express that I get my own room with a bath and a decent toilet, not the disgusting public toilets with these large gaping holes in the wall so that someone’s willy can protrude from it- Not that I have ever seen one before I might add (nervous laughter) Jason: We haven’t got one Richard: I’m sorry? Christopher: Yeah, the stupid prick over there forgot David: You’re welcome Richard: Well, well… make one! Jennifer: It’s not going to build itself you know… Tom: Yes! It’s a team effort Jennifer: Not with you, it isn’t Richard: Ugh, help you? I’m not touching any of you peasant shitheads even if my life depends on it Brian: (Upset) I’m going to die in here!

Suddenly, a woman enters, Michelle, dressed in some revealing clothing, not fit for the era Michelle: (In a poor excuse of an English accent) Excuse me, are you housing people in here?

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Everyone looks at her, all the men look at her in amazement except for Richard, Jennifer looks in disgust. She then looks at herself and compares herself to Michelle Jennifer: (To the audience) What’s she got that I haven’t? Tom: Proper tits

Michelle looks at Tom shocked Brian: (Mesmerized) Y…yes we are Michelle: Oh good, I was walking around this street and then I heard all the sirens go and hearing people shout out: “look for shelter”, (imitating citizens) ah… run… help…

Awkward Silence Michelle: And that’s what I did…

Michelle nervously giggles. Brian approaches Michelle with valour Brian: Well you came to the right place! Jennifer: (Undertone) Oh whoopy-fucking-doo

Complete silence. Everyone looks at Jennifer. Jennifer ignores them Michelle: Well, where’s theAll: There isn’t any! Michelle: Oh, well we need to fortify this area of the pub and protect ourselves from fallout! Brian: Oh, my good Lord above, she’s read it hasn’t she? Michelle: Oh no, it’s just my common knowledge about nuclear bombs, it’s not like I work for the Soviets or anything which I don’t, I just love the subject Christopher: You like the subject of nuclear bombs? Michelle: Oh yes, I do and it’s not because I spent years of training in Russia to learn how nuclear bombs work or anything

Everyone, except Brian who’s in awe, looks seemingly confused towards Michelle

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Michelle: And just because I look this sexy doesn’t mean I’m stereotypically a Russian woman disguised as a regular British woman with big saggy tits and rotting teeth, (to the

audience) our writer cares about equality Everyone winks at the audience and a sound of a tinkle plays; the scene goes back to normal Tom: Well has anybody read this blasted handbook then? Jason: I think fuck-face over there has

Everyone looks at Brian, Brian is scared as if he’s been caught in the act Pause Brian: Oh… well… um… no I haven’t read it, I thought someone else might have read it so that I don’t take the blame for our impending doom… Christopher: So, who the fuck knows what we have to do in case of a nuclear attack!? All: No one…

Blackout Christopher: We’re fucked

Radar barks End Scene

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Stage Two: Introductions If the theatre space provided offers such a service, a video clip from the Protect and Survive infomercial is played, if not or due to copyright issues, a sound clip from the Protect and Survive infomercial is played explaining what to do if the warning sounds are heard and is explained either by the video clip or by diagrams. Blackout. Lights fade in, we see the people have grown accustomed to the pub and look like they were busy protecting themselves whereas a matter of fact, they have done nothing… Brian: (Sarcastic) Well it looks like we’ve done what we can Tom: Nothing you mean?

Pause Brian: Yeah… Jason: This dump has nothing! No essentials to protect us from the blast, no food, nothing! Christopher: Well, that isn’t entirely true, we do have some food and drinks left Jason: Okay… but we are not going to have enough to survive us more than a day or two!

Everyone looks at David David: Look, don’t blame me alright, blame the shitty supplier. He was supposed to come yesterday but he didn’t bother showing up Brian: What part of a nuclear attack don’t you understand!?

Pause David tries to think of an answer David: We’re all fucked? Christopher: Oh, I don’t believe this!

Everyone starts arguing except for Michael, Jennifer, Richard and Michelle. Michelle gets angry and stands up Michelle: QUIET!

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Complete silence Michelle: Please! Let’s just all calm down and deal with this in a civil manner

Everyone looks at her, pause, then return to arguing Michael: Please stop arguing! I get enough of that at home…

Everyone ignores Michael, Radar then starts barking loudly and the whole group stops and listens to Radar Brian: He’s right Jason: Whose right? Brian: The dog Jason: The dog was right? Brian: Yes… Jason: Yes? Brian: Yes! Jennifer: (Frustrated) Look…

Everyone looks at Jennifer Jennifer: Don’t all look at me, (points at the audience) I’ve already got too many eyes looking at me

Everyone, except Jennifer, looks at the audience Jennifer: There is nothing we can do, so as far it seems, the bombs haven’t gone off yet otherwise we would have all been burnt to a crisp

Tom stands up Tom: She’s right! Jennifer: Shut up Tom

Tom sheepishly sits back down

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Tom: All right love… Jennifer: We need to protect ourselves with the items we have and make up a plan

Everyone agrees with Jennifer Christopher: Finally, a woman does something productive!

Jennifer looks at Christopher with anger. Christopher pretends to look away as if somebody else passed that comment but seemingly fails Jennifer: David, is there a room that’s away from any windows? David: Um…

David thinks long and hard David: Nope Michelle: Okay… well have you got a cellar or a basement where you keep all your stuff? David: Well… um… do I?

David thinks long and hard David: Nah Tom: Well where do you store all your junk for the pub? David: Backstage, oh I mean, in the kitchen Michelle: Oh well we can stay there then-

Everyone starts to get up and move David: But they’re windows there too All: Oh…

Everyone returns back to their original places. The whole group look as if they are about to give up. Michael comes up with an idea Michael: What about we lift the tables up and barricade ourselves in-

Tom stands up

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Tom: Wait, I have an ideaJennifer: Shut up

Tom sits back down Tom: Shutting up now…

Pause Jennifer: I have an idea, what about we lift the tables up and barricade ourselves in, that way it can hopefully protect us from the blast, if and when it goes off

Everyone agrees with Jennifer’s plan and starts with boarding up the pub Michael: (To an audience member) Fucking kill me… Brian: Okay, amazing stuff guys! So, while you do that, me and Michelle will go into the kitchen and see how much food and drink we have left David: Oh, I’ll come with you and look around tooBrian: No, that won’t be necessaryDavid: But I know what stock I’ve got leftBrian: FUCK OFF!

David backs off David: Alright, alright! Don’t get your knickers in a twist Brian: Thank you

Brian offers his hand towards Michelle. Michelle is seemingly flattered Brian: Shall we? Michelle: (Flattered) Oh my… it’s like he’s going to have sex with me in the kitchen or something

Michelle giggles Brian: Oh no, no, I’d never do that

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Brian looks devilishly towards the audience. They both exit. Brian looks at Michelle with distaste. Michael approaches Brian Michael: He’s definitely going to fuck herBrian: (Ignoring Michael) I don’t like that womanMichael: They’re probably going to have sex in the next sceneBrian: (Ignoring Michael) They’re something off about herMichael: Or maybe in a few scenes later. Anyways, I’m really jealousBrian: (Ignoring Michael) I think she isn’t who she claims she isMichael: All I get to do is see some pictures in a magazine. I want to watch it, experience itBrian: (Ignoring Michael) I think I’ll keep an eye on them two, especially herMichael: Maybe in the future someone will invent a way for me to watch people ‘doing it’ in the comfort of their own room-

Brian leaves to help the others board up the pub, still ignoring Michael. Michael continues talking to himself Michael: Like a hub…

Blackout Michael: A porn hub!

End Scene

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Stage Three: Care If the theatre space provided offers such a service, a video clip from the Protect and Survive infomercial is played, if not or due to copyright issues, a sound clip from the Protect and Survive infomercial is played explaining to stay at home and is explained either by the video clip or by diagrams. Blackout. Lights fade in, we see the pub’s kitchen, it isn’t the tidiest of places. Michelle and Brian enter Michelle: Oh my… it isn’t the cleanest of places

Brian is lost checking out Michelle’s body Brian: Hmm?

Brian notices the state of the kitchen Brian: Oh God, no, it isn’t Michelle: How on earth is this bar still running with a kitchen in this state? Brian: You’re telling me!

Brian notices a radio and rushes towards it Brian: A radio! We might need this Michelle: Well turn it on and see if they’ve announced anything yet

Brian turns on the radio but all they hear is static. Brian turns the radio’s knob to other radio stations, still static, until he ends up on a station which is playing a well-known 1970’s song. He places the radio down. He and Michelle are seemingly confused Brian: Odd… Michelle: Why would they be playing music? Especially in this kind of situation?

Pause Brian: Maybe they’re trying to cheer up the alive? Michelle: Or wake up the dead more like it… but this doesn’t make sense!

Michelle walks away, thinking. Brian turns off the radio Play – © 2016-2019 Thearle Publications

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Brian: What doesn’t make sense? Michelle: Why would the radio still be working? I mean, if the bombs haven’t already dropped, it would have knocked out all the radio communications Brian: Maybe that particular radio station wasn’t in the blast radiusMichelle: Or maybe the bombs haven’t dropped yet

Brian and Michelle look at each other Brian: You’re really pretty by the way

Michelle starts to get red in the face and starts scrounging around for supplies Michelle: Thanks Brian: Where are you from originally?

Michelle stands up in shock, she starts to think Michelle: Croydon…

Brian scoffs Brian: Croydon? As if, you have a particular accent, like a Russian-

Michelle starts to laugh exaggeratedly Michelle: Russian? As if! With the Cold War going on? I wouldn’t last a day here! NoBrian: Then where are you from?

Michelle thinks Michelle: Glasgow…

Pause Brian: Makes sense

Brian starts to look around. Michelle breathes a sigh of relief and starts to look around the kitchen Brian: Bloody hell, this pub has nothing. Just a few chips and a shitload of beer

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Michelle: Yeah, there doesn’t seem to be anything else Brian: What are we going to do? Michelle: Well, I think we should wait… Brian: Wait? Michelle: Until the fallout settles Brian: And then what? Michelle: And then we can leave the shelter and look around for anything that remains Brian: Scrounge around and look for food? Michelle: Exactly! Brian: Okay. But how long does fallout last? Michelle: No one knows… Brian: So, we could be in here for a very long time Michelle: Yes, a very, very long time Brian: I’d like that Michelle: Me too Brian: Maybe we can get to know each other a bit more Michelle: I’d like that

They slowly approach each other as if they’re about to kiss. David enters David: Found anything? Brian: Oh, uh, no. Just a few chips Michelle: And a shitload of beer

Michelle and Brian smile at each other David: Ugh, well it will have to make do. Gather them up and bring them into the pub

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Brian: Will do

David scoffs and looks at Michelle with distaste, Michelle does the same Brian: Well, might as well do as he says, before he gets his knickers in a twist Michelle: Yeah…

Brian and Michelle start gathering the little supplies they have left, they slowly start to exit Brian: I must say you do know quite a lot about how nuclear bombs work Michelle: Do I? Brian: Yeah… as if, you’ve studied them or something

Michelle starts to become slightly uneasy Michelle: Well, like I said before, it’s common knowledge to me Brian: Weird common knowledge if you ask me Michelle: (Flirty) I’m a weird type of girl

They both smile. In the meantime, Radar enters and knocks Michelle over which seemingly knocks Brian over onto her. Michael enters in, all surprised Michael: I knew it! You were both about to have sex!

Michael looks seemingly confused Michael: Is that how it works? I thought the man was meant to insert hisBrian: Can you help us up? Michael: Oh, sure…

Michael helps both Brian and Michelle up and they pick up all the dropped items Michelle: Oh no!

They all notice that the last remaining beer bottles have shattered across the kitchen. Michelle becomes infuriated Michelle: Keep that bloody dog of yours away from the kitchen!

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Michael becomes upset Michael: Okay, sorry… Michelle: Get out!

Michael exits. Brian looks confused towards Michelle Brian: You okay? Michelle: No, I’m not! That was the last of the beer, now we have nothing to drink! Brian: Oh, I’m sure there’s still some running water left

Brian approaches the kitchen sink and turns on the tap Michelle: No, I’m sure they… turned… them… off… Brian: Apparently not Michelle: Odd… Brian: Well at least we have drinking water! Michelle: (Undertone) But it might be contaminated… Brian: Hmm? Michelle: Nothing… Brian: Well, let’s gather the supplies we have and head back

Brian gathers his share of the supplies and exits, leaving Michelle on her own in the kitchen, still confused as to the fact that there still is running water Michelle: (In Russian) Почему ты их еще не уронил? (Translation – Why haven’t you

dropped them yet?) David: (Offstage) Oi, prostitute, you coming? Michelle: Yes! Coming…

Michelle grabs her share of supplies and exits. Blackout End Scene

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Stage Four: Hate If the theatre space provided offers such a service, a video clip from the Protect and Survive infomercial is played, if not or due to copyright issues, a sound clip from the Protect and Survive infomercial is played explaining how to choose a fallout room and is explained either by the video clip or by diagrams. Blackout. Lights fade in, we see the pub has now been fortified… to the best it can be. Michelle and Brian enter with the remaining supplies David: And about bloody timeBrian: Sorry, we got caught upMichael: They were about to have sex!

Everyone looks at Michael. Tom and Jennifer look at Michael in disgust Michael: What? They were on top of each other!

Everyone looks at Brian and Michelle Michael: But he was on top of her!

Everyone looks at Michael Michael: Which isn’t how I read in those Playboy magazinesTom: Okay, I think we’ve heard enough now! Jennifer: (Disgust) Yes, I think we have… Richard: About to have sex!? What kind of people do you think you are? Brian: If you’d let me explainRichard: I mean really, I’ve heard poor people being obsessed sexually but in a time of war!? Absolutely disgraceful! Brian: But we weren’tRichard: And in front of a child! Absolutely disgusting perverts!

Richard yanks Michael towards him and starts to touch him perversely Play – © 2016-2019 Thearle Publications

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Richard: Disgusting people aren’t they MildredMichael: Michael… Richard: Yes, Millicent Michael: Well… I kind of wish I saw itRichard: Hush now Gertrud! I will protect you from these sex maniacs! Michael: Please let go… Richard: Never Janet! Children nowadays are being perversed by these so calledpornographic filmographiesMichael: You are touching me in places I wouldn’t like you to touch… Richard: Horrendous! Michael: Well, except if you were a girl… Richard: Disgusting! Michael: But you look like a paedophile who hasn’t groped a child in months… Richard: PERVERTED!

In the meantime, Jennifer looks at Richard in disgust and looks to Tom to do something about the situation but is completely lost Jennifer: Tom… Tom… TOM! Tom: Hmm? Jennifer: Do something! Tom: Do what? Jennifer: That pervert is groping our child! Tom: Nonsense… only priests do that sort of stuff! Jennifer: WELL HE IS!

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Tom looks at Jennifer in a way that he doesn’t believe what she’s saying but then coincides. Everyone is seemingly confused as to what is happening Tom: Fine…

He slowly approaches Richard and Michael Tom: Right Mr. Richard, could you stop ‘groping’ my son now? Richard: NEVER! I must take this child to my secret bunker where I keep all my other dumpling-wumpings

Pause, Tom is trying to process what Richard has just said Tom: Okay… drop my child now or I will have to call Child Protection Services-

Richard stands up with haste, still grasping Michael Richard: STAY BACK PEASANT! Jennifer: Oh my God, he’s going to rape him. Tom, DO SOMETHING! Tom: (Sarcastically) I am trying my dearest. Now please, sit down and we can talk about thisRichard: NO! I want Labour to win in the next general election not that bitch- MARGARET THATCHER!

A sound of lightning is heard. The whole cast is absolutely gobsmacked as to what is happening Richard: And that is why I am gathering up a whole bunch of boys- children from across the United Kingdom, so that then, me and the rest of the Labour party can manipulate them to vote for us. We are the future! We are the red party!

Richard laughs manically. Another sound of lighting is heard Michael: Please let me go, this is getting a little bit weird Richard: Shut up!

Richard slowly moves across the pub towards the door, holding Michael in the process

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Richard: No one follow me! I am going to exit through that door and run towards my secret bunker, if anyone follows me, I’LL KILL THEM! Jennifer: Michael? Michael, are you alright? Michael: (Unphased) Well yeah, I wish a woman was doing this to me, not a senior citizen Richard: SILENCE!

Richard bangs on the barricade protecting the cast from the fallout from outside, however, it’s so badly built, that the barricade collapses, knocking over some ornaments including a cross from the wall and falling onto the floor. Richard notices it and screams in horror Richard: OH NO! A CROSS!

Richard flings Michael across the room as he tries to protect himself from the cross but doesn’t manage. He continues screaming in horror as he feels pain coming from the cross pulsating through him. He jumps out of the window, shattering it completely and runs away. The cast are left on stage, confused David: Never fucking trusting a Labour MP ever again…

The rest look at David with confusion. Michelle then realises the window is completely shattered, exposing them to fallout Michelle: Oh shit! Brian: What? Michelle: The window! Cover it up!

Everyone rushes towards the window and barricades it again. Michael slowly regains himself and stands up. Jennifer approaches him Jennifer: Are you alright love? Michael: (Unphased) Yeah… I guess so… Christopher: What on Earth happened there? Tom: I don’t know…

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Michael: Well I think the writer had no idea how to get rid of that specific character and thus made him a Labour MP whose also secretly a paedophilic vampire

Long pause All (except Michael): What!?

Pause. Michael tries to explain what he meant but gives up Michael: Ah fuck it… Jennifer: I think you should sit down love… Michael: I think I should continue writing this travesty, I’d definitely come up with a better excuse than that shit fest was…

Jennifer sits Michael down and sits beside him Jennifer: Could we get him some water please? Brian: YesMichelle: No

Brian looks at Michelle with confusion Jennifer: Well, can we get him some water or not? Jason: Or any water for that matter? Michelle: No Christopher: Why not? Michelle: When we went into the kitchen and turned on the tap, nothing came out. So, we assumed the government turned the water off David: So, what are we going to drink? Michelle: Well we had a few cans of beer before Michael’s clever dog decided to knock me over, and besides, you should have preserved some water aside in case a nuclear attack did in fact happen, which, surprise, it did David: Fuck you, I do what I bleedin’ well want

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Michelle: Well, thanks to your incompetence, we might not have water for days now David: Why you little cuntBrian: Okay! Let’s all calm down. We need to work together on this, especially since we are probably going to be in this place for a very, very long time David: Hmph Christopher: So, what do we have?

Short pause Michelle: A few crisps… All (except David, Brian, Michelle and Michael): What!? Michelle: You can thank him

Michelle points to David who is sheepishly in the corner of the pub David: It’s not my fault. You lot should have been in your own homes, not here! This is my place, my pub. Not yours! Tom: But according to this handbook thingDavid: Sod the bleedin’ handbook, I couldn’t care less if fuckin’ World War 3 came along, this is my home! If you don’t fucking like it, you can all just get out… and leave me to die on my own…

Silence as everyone seems lost for words Brian: Okay, let’s just all have a breather and start to pick up all the mess that that… person left behind All (except David, Michelle and Michael): (Defeated) Yeah… Brian: Good

Brian pulls Michelle aside Brian: Why did you tell them that we don’t have any water? We clearly did!

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Michelle: Because it doesn’t make sense! If the bombs have already dropped, then how is the water still operating? Brian: Maybe the government has a secret stash somewhere? Michelle: No! That water would be contaminated! If the bombs did in fact drop, then that water is already contaminated, which means we would be putting everyone in danger… including you and me…

Brian looks at Michelle Brian: So… what can we do? Michelle: For now, there’s nothing we can do. We’ll have to wait for the fallout to die down, then… we’ll see from there Brian: Okay

They both smile In the meantime, the rest of the group are clearing up the mess when Tom notices a wanted poster on the floor with two faces that look similar to Christopher and Jason’s faces Tom: (To Christopher and Jason) Hey! These two look exactly identical to you two Christopher: What you talking about? Tom: Look!

Tom shows the wanted poster to Christopher and Jason. They both get pale in the face and immediately snatch the wanted poster off of Tom Tom: Hey!

The rest of the group turns towards Tom, Christopher and Jason Jason: Um, nothing to see here! Brian: What was he talking about? Christopher: Oh nothing-

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Tom: I found a wanted poster with faces that looked similar to these two Jason: Rubbish!

Christopher and Jason awkwardly laugh Brian: May we see the poster please? Christopher: No Brian: Why not? Jason: Because it’s none of your business Brian: Of course it is. If we are harbouring criminals, we need to know Christopher: Pfft, harbouring criminals, as if! Jason: (Laughing) Us? Criminals!? Don’t make us laugh

As Jason proceeds to carry on laughing, he pats Christopher on the back which makes him jolt and drop all of the contents that were hiding underneath his clothing. Expensive jewellery, cash and seemingly rich items which a criminal would normally steal Jason stops laughing. The rest of the group look at Christopher and Jason in anger Jason: Oh fuck… David: You both don’t happen to be the infamous London thieves who came in to this pub once and seemingly decided to beat the living shit out of my daughter and steal a valuable number of items and cash?

Christopher and Jason are both starting to panic. Christopher proceeds to take out his gun, Jason follows suit. They point their guns towards the group Christopher: Yeah… and so what if we did? David: Thanks to you two bastards, my daughter died in hospital a couple of days after you left her for dead, my wife decided to divorce me after that and I’ve been trying to keep this pub running ever since you fucked me over! Michael: Holy shit, this has gotten dark!

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Jennifer: Shut up! Jason: We don’t really give a shit what happened, at least we made loads of cash out of that

David starts to fuel up with anger David: Why you good-for-nothing bastardsBrian: Now, please, calm down…

David brings out his shotgun and points it directly at Christopher and Jason. Brian ducks and the rest of the group scream and hide for cover. David shoots towards Christopher who manages to miss Christopher: FUCK! You nearly killed me! David: Good Brian: STOP!

Brian tries to stop David. David reloads. Brian ducks again and shoots at Jason. Jason gets slightly hit on the arm, which proceeds to start pouring out with blood Jason: OH YOU BASTARD!

Christopher points his gun at David Christopher: Don’t you dare fucking shoot at us again. We’re going to gather up our stuff and fucking leave this hell hole David: Not on my watch! Brian: NO!

David reloads but Brian pushes the shotgun up to the ceiling. David shoots and debris falls to the ground Brian: STOP IT! LET THEM BE! David: NOT AFTER WHAT THOSE TWO CUNTS DID TO ME AND MY FAMILY! Brian: It was in the past! Just let them leave and fend for themselves

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David thinks Brian: Please!

David thinks and coincides leaving Christopher and Jason to gather up their stuff and make their way out Christopher: I hope you all fucking rot! You won’t survive a day, especially with a madman like him

Christopher points at David who seems like he has given up all hope Brian: JUST LEAVE!

Christopher opens the door, carries Jason out and slams the door Blackout End Scene

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Stage Five: Kill If the theatre space provided offers such a service, a video clip from the Protect and Survive infomercial is played, if not or due to copyright issues, a sound clip from the Protect and Survive infomercial is played explaining refuges and is explained either by the video clip or by diagrams. Blackout. Lights fade in, we see the pub. Everything is quiet, and the group look slightly defeated. Jennifer is accompanying Michael. Tom tries to help but Jennifer pushes him away or ignores him. Brian and Michelle are sitting next to each other, keeping each other company. Radar is fast asleep next to Michael. David is alone, sad and beaten After a while of complete silence. Rader is awoken and starts barking. At first, the rest of the group ignore him, but as he continues to bark, they take notice David: Would someone shut that bloody dog up? Michael: Be quiet Radar, you’re annoying the miserable old fart David: What did you call me? Jennifer: (Awkwardly laughs) He didn’t mean thatMichael: I did-

Jennifer slaps Michael on the head Radar continues barking Brian: What’s up with him? Tom: I don’t know… normally he does that when he can hear something Jennifer: But I can’t hear anything… Tom: Wonder why… Jennifer: What? Tom: See? Michelle: Sssh. Listen

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Everyone quietens. Radar stops barking Brian: What? Michelle: Can’t you hear it? Tom: Hear what? Jennifer: Sssh!

Pause Jennifer: Hear what? Michelle: Bangs Brian: Bangs? Michelle: Listen!

Everyone listens out for bangs. After a while, faint bangs start to be heard in the distance, three bangs. They slowly grow in volume Brian: I can hear it! Jennifer: Me too! Michael: Me three!

Radar barks Tom: Him four! Brian: What could that mean? Tom: Maybe the bomb has dropped? Jennifer: Or they’re about to drop the bomb? Michelle: No… I think it means the fallout has settled David: Oh yeah, and how would you know?

Michelle looks at David in disgust

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Michelle: I just do… David: Really now? Michelle: Yes… David: You seem to know a lot about nuclear bombs, don’t ya? Michelle: It’s common knowledge… David: Is it now? Michelle: Yes… David: Or is it because, maybe you know more? Tom: What are you on about? David: She definitely knows a lot more than what she’s giving Michelle: What on EarthDavid: She doesn’t claim who she says she is! Brian: Now please, stop all this. We’ve already caused enough trouble as it isDavid: No I won’t! I might have been stopped with them two out there, but I am not stopping with this one. Especially since you two seem to be hitting it off with each other Michael: It’s true!

Jennifer sushes Michael up Brian: No, we are not David: Of course you are! I’ve seen you two. All smooching and getting comfortable with one another Brian: We’ve just become good friends! David: Good friends my arse! You’re flirting with a spy! All (except David and Michelle): A what? David: A spy! A Soviet spy!

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Michelle: Oh don’t be ridiculous! David: Oh, you think I am, am I? How come you know so much about nuclear bombs and this fallout stuff? How do you know that the water might not be working? How do you know that those bangs meant that the fallout has settled? There’s only one answer to all of that… she’s… a… spy! Michelle: It’s all common knowledge! David: Common knowledge? Common knowledge! Common knowledge is 2+2+6Brian: Uh 4David: Not how nuclear bombs work! I couldn’t be half-arsed how bombs work! Michelle: Well that’s just you, isn’t it? David: And also, for you claiming to be a British woman, your accent seems very poor to be a genuine British-borne Brian: She’s Scottish actually

David is amazed by that fact David: Oh, is she now? Tom: Makes sense. Scottish people seem like they come from outer-space Jennifer: I wish I married one, they’d probably be better in bed that you are at it Michael: It’s true…

Tom looks at both Jennifer and Michael angrily David: Well, if she claims to be Scottish, then how come I heard he speak Russian in the kitchen not too long ago? Brian: What?

Michelle tries to make something up Michelle: That wasn’t Russian… it was… Gaelic David: I’d know Gaelic when I hear it

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David brings out his shotgun and points it at Michelle Brian: Oh not this again! We just had this a scene ago! Michelle: Don’t get involved in this! It’s just between him and me David: Is it now? Michelle: Indeed it has David: I never trusted you from the moment you walked in. You look like a typical Russian bitch and you definitely know your stuff about the thing that can wipe out an entire country! Michelle: You’re just making blatant accusations! David: Rubbish! I know a Russian when I see one. If James Bond taught me well, it’s to never trust a Russian whore! Brian: Watch your tongue!

David points his shotgun at Brian David: Stay out of this Uni-boy

Brian backs away. David returns to pointing his shotgun at Michelle Michelle: So, you want to kill me now? Like you were going to do to those two? David: Don’t you dare mention those two in this place ever again Michelle: This place? The place that’s failing after what they did to you and your family?

David starts to boil in anger David: Do not mention my family, you Russian slut! Michelle: Why? You might shoot them too?

David is on the tipping point Brian: (To Michelle, undertone) Don’t… Michelle: Oh wait, never mind, they’re dead

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David screams in anger Blackout A sound of a gun is heard If the theatre space provided offers such a service, a video clip from the Protect and Survive infomercial is played, if not or due to copyright issues, a sound clip from the Protect and Survive infomercial is played explaining materials to use for a fallout room and refuge and is explained either by the video clip or by diagrams. The cast remains frozen in place whilst this is going on. Blackout. Lights fade in, we see the pub as it was, only we see David has been shot by Michelle who is holding a gun. She is breathing heavily. Everyone is mortified Jennifer: You… you… killed him Brian: Out of self-defence Tom: But she was egging him onJennifer: Exactly!

Tom looks at Jennifer in shock at what she just said Tom: Really? Jennifer: Shut up. If she didn’t mention his family and what happened in the past, none of this would have happened! Brian: But he was accusing her of being a spy, a Soviet spy, no less Jennifer: Well...

Jennifer pretends to whisper, so as not to let Michelle listen. Michelle remains standing, in shock Jennifer: (Fake-whispering) Maybe she is? Michelle: I am not Brian: What?

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Michelle: I am not a Soviet spy! What he said was a complete and utter lie! I am a normal, regular woman! A normal, British, tax-paying, law-abiding citizen! And I want to be treated as one, for fuck’s sake!

Everyone remains surprised after that Long pause. In the meantime, Radar moves towards the now dead David and sniffs him. Michael notices Michael: Radar! Jennifer: Oh! Get that dog away from that dead body! You never know where he’s been…

Michael pulls Radar away from David. The rest of the remaining group approach the dead body Tom: So… what are we going to do with him? We can’t just leave him here… Jennifer: Maybe throw him outside? Michelle: No Jennifer: Well why not? It’s not like the police will do anything about it, not after all this nuclear bombing… Michelle: Because we will be exposed to more fallout than we already have Jennifer: Well how bad is this fallout? Michelle: Bad. It’s worse than the nuclear bomb itself Jennifer: Oh, that bad… Michelle: It can kill us in a matter of days, even hours and I don’t know how much we’ve been exposed to it so far

Long pause Brian: So, what do you think we should do with him? Michelle: Put him in the kitchen for now, then we’ll see from there and we need to make sure that that dog doesn’t go anywhere near him

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Michael: Why? Michelle: Because that’s when dogs become dangerous…

Silence Michelle: Right, help me lift him up

Michelle, Brian and Tom lift David up and take him into the kitchen Michael, holding Radar by the collar approaches Jennifer who looks concerned Michael: You don’t think Radar would become dangerous, would he? Jennifer: (Uncertain) No… he would never

Blackout End Scene

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Stage Six: Hunger If the theatre space provided offers such a service, a video clip from the Protect and Survive infomercial is played, if not or due to copyright issues, a sound clip from the Protect and Survive infomercial is played explaining to make the fallout room and refuge now and is explained either by the video clip or by diagrams. Blackout. Lights fade in, we see the pub. Everything is quiet, and the group look tired and hungry. Suddenly, we hear someone’s stomach growl. After a while, we hear the same person’s stomach growl again. Everyone, except for Michael and Radar who are in the corner faced away from the audience, look around to find the culprit. It’s Tom, who sheepishly looks at everyone Tom: Sorry… Jennifer: Ugh, your always hungry, aren’t you? Tom: (Sarcastically) Actually, I’m starving Brian: I don’t blame him. We’re all hungry Jennifer: Weren’t there a few crisps left over Michelle: Oh yeah!

Michelle starts looking for them but can’t find them Michelle: They… should… be… here?

Michelle turns around towards the group, angrily Michelle: Okay… who took them?

Everyone looks at Tom Tom: Well, don’t look at me. If I had them, my stomach wouldn’t be growling otherwise…

Everyone looks at Jennifer Jennifer: Oh come now, I need to check the contents of what these ‘crisps’ contain before I eat them, don’t be ridiculous

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We hear a crisp crunch. The group looks around and sees Michael and Radar in the corner Jennifer: Michael…

We hear another crisp crunch Michael: Yes mother? Jennifer: What are you doing?

Pause Michael: Fornicating?

Jennifer stands up with haste and yanks Michael towards the audience and group. We see both Michael and Radar have been eating the last few remaining crisp packets Michael: (Pretending) Oh! How did these packets turn up here? Radar! You naughty boy! Jennifer: Michael? Michael: Yes? Jennifer: You were a mistake…

She slaps him on the head Brian: Brilliant! That’s all of our supplies gone! Tom: You can’t be serious… Michelle: Yep! All gone

Tom starts getting infuriated Tom: (Shouting towards David in the next room) You fat lazy fuck! Jennifer: TOM! Not in front of our son! Michael: I’ve heard worse… Brian: So what are we going to do? Tom: Well… can’t we explore the wasteland or…?

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Michelle: I don’t think so Brian: Why not? If those bangs meant the radioactive dust has settled, then that means we’re safe… right? Michelle: I don’t think those bangs meant anything Jennifer: What do you mean? Michelle: They could have meant anything! Maybe a nuclear reactor melting down, or a plane crashing or anything! It doesn’t mean that the dust has settled Jennifer: (Panicking) Dear, oh dear, the world has gone to shit, hasn’t it? Michelle: Pretty much, yes…

Jennifer starts panicking and moves away from the group. Tom tries to comfort her Jennifer: Go away, I don’t know where you’ve been!

Tom moves away and re-joins the group, Jennifer then sees Radar licking the granules from the last remaining crisp packets and has an idea and re-joins the group. She tries to keep quiet to not alert Michael to this idea Jennifer: I think I have an idea… All (except Michael): Yes? Jennifer: You know our son’s dog?

They all nod Jennifer: What if we…?

She implies killing Radar and the group think about it Tom: No way! You know how much that dog cost me to get!? Jennifer: Well I suggested we get him a bicycle and you decided to shut him up and give him that hairy beast! Brian: Well, isn’t that a bit cruel? You know, man’s best friend and all that, plus, he’s your son’s dog

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Jennifer: I couldn’t give a shit if it was my mother back from the grave! Look, we are all starving, my pathetic excuse of a son has just consumed the last remaining ‘supplies’, we have nothing else to eat, might as well eat the dog Tom: They do eat dogs in China Jennifer: Japan Tom: No, I think it’s China Jennifer: (To Tom, frustrated) I’ll China you next! (To the rest of the group) Well?

Brian seems uncertain Michelle: Fuck it Brian: What!? Michelle: There’s nothing else to eat! It’s our only option Brian: Well I’m not killing it Jennifer: Don’t worry, my husband will do it Tom: What!? Jennifer: Thank you so much dear, go on and explain to our ‘son’ that we need to kill his dog for the greater good Tom: I am not doing that! Jennifer: You will, or I’ll chop that pathetic excuse of a cock you’ve got and eat that instead

Tom feels uneasy after that comment. He thinks, then sighs Tom: Fine

He turns towards Michael and Radar who are playing, he then turns around to Jennifer Tom: And I don’t have a pathetic excuse of a dick! Thank you very much!

He slowly approaches Michael and Radar Jennifer: (Undertone) Your brother was much better

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Jennifer giggles Tom sheepishly approaches Michael and Radar Tom: Hiya there… son! Michael: Yes? Tom: Can I… talk to you for a sec? Michael: Sure! Tom: Away from Radar… Michael: Oh… okay (To Radar) Sit

Radar sits Michael: Good boy!

Michael pats Radar on the head and hugs him. Tom feels guilty about all of this Tom: (Undertone) Fucking kill me Michael: So, what’s up?

Tom and Michael move away from Radar Tom: So, you know you and Radar have just eaten our last remaining supply of food? Michael: (Unphased) Yes…? Tom: And we have nothing else to eat? Michael: (Unphased) Yes…? Tom: I think you should be punished for that… Michael: (Unphased) Okay… Tom: For your actions… Michael: Like what you used to do when I misbehaved? Tom: Exactly-

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Michael: Which was to remove my underwear, rub your hand on my bottom and slap it hard shouting, “Oooh daddy, harder”?Tom: NO! No… punishment like… killing your dog…

Michael is taken aback. Radar whelps comedically Michael: What!? Tom: Well son… you kind of fucked everything up, so I think it’s the best punishment we can give Michael: By killing my dog? Tom: Well… yes… Michael: No Tom: There is no arguing in this matter. You fucked up, now you have to pay the consequences Michael: By killing my dog Tom: Which I paid for Michael: Which you were forced to by me Tom: Because you wouldn’t shut the fuck up about itMichael: No

Both Tom and Michael start escalating in volume and anger Tom: Yes Michael: No! Tom: Yes! Michael: Fuck you! Tom: No, fuck you! Michael: No, fuck you!

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Tom: No, fuck you! Michael: You’re a cunt! Tom: You’re a faggot! Michael: You’re a paedophile! Tom: You were a mistake! Michael: You never fucked Mum well, Uncle Charlie was better!

Tom immediately turns towards the group Tom: (Angrily) Right let’s kill the dog! Michael: NO!

Blackout If the theatre space provided offers such a service, a video clip from the Protect and Survive infomercial is played, if not or due to copyright issues, a sound clip from the Protect and Survive infomercial is played explaining what to put in the fallout room now and is explained either by the video clip or by diagrams. The cast and crew set for the next part of the scene and then the cast remain frozen in place. Blackout. Lights fade in, we see the pub with a table in the middle. Radar is pinned down by Michelle and Jennifer. Michael is by the side of the pub crying. Brian and Tom are deciding how to execute Radar Tom: Right, how should we do this… Brian: By we, you mean, you?

Tom awkwardly laughs Tom: Yes… me…

Tom observes ways on how he can kill Radar Tom: Hmm, maybe slitting his throat? Brian: But that would take time, wouldn’t it?

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Tom: True, true. Oh, maybe we can shoot him in the head with the shotgun? Jennifer: Jesus Christ, that would blow his head right off! And get a bloody move on, I can’t keep on pinning down this dog any longer! Tom: (To Michelle) Could we borrow your gun perhaps? Michelle: The last bullet is with the dead body in the kitchen Tom: Oh… how ironic

Tom continues to think Michael: Can’t you just let him go? I’ll take back everything I said! Jennifer: Everything he said? (To Tom) What did he tell you? Tom: Nothing my precious cuckold, nothing at all

Tom looks at Michael in disgust Michael: Please, just let him go! Kill me instead! Jennifer: Kill you? Don’t be ridiculousTom: Now there’s a good ideaJennifer: You are a leaving, breathing human being, this… thing is just a hairy nonsense Michael: But he’s my friend! Jennifer: Well, sometimes friends have to make sacrifices…

Michael starts tearing up and rushes to the toilet Tom: (To Brian) Could you check inside the kitchen for a knife. I think the best way will be to slit his throat Brian: Will do!

Brian exits to the kitchen Michelle: I can’t bear to watch… Jennifer: Just get on with it, I’m getting fur all over my nice clothes

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Tom: (Sarcastically) Then I’ll take my sweet time when I slit his throat and all the blood spurts all over you

Jennifer looks at Tom in disgust Jennifer: (Undertone) Bastard… Tom: Have you found a knife yet? Brian: (Offstage) No, but I found this

Brian enters with a meat cleaver Tom: Even better! (To Jennifer) I can paint your clothes red! Jennifer: Just get on with it!

Radar starts to struggle Jennifer: Oh shut up, you mongrel! Tom: He’s a purebred German Shepherd, thank you very much Michelle: Can we just kill him already! I can’t take this anymore! Tom: Right, (To Brian) You hold his stomach, while I aim for the neck. (To everyone) Ready everyone? This might get messy… All (except Tom): Ready Tom: (To audience) And that includes you too, don’t know how we’ll get away with this with the classification board, but, oh well!

Tom places the meat cleaver by Radar’s neck Tom: Steady everyone… steady… steady…

He slowly raises the meat cleaver Tom: Three… two… one… now!

He’s about to strike Radar’s head clean off until Michael comes out of the toilet with a pair of rusty scissors and sticks them into Tom’s hand that is not being used by the meat

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cleaver. Tom screams in pain and drops the meat cleaver which falls onto his foot. Blood is spurting out everywhere. Tom is screaming in pain Michael: Come on Radar!

Radar jumps off the table and joins Michael by the door Jennifer: Where are you going? Tom: (In pain) Fuck him, help me! Michael: I’m leaving this mad place with my trusty friend beside me!

Radar barks Jennifer: No. don’t! The fallout!

Michael opens the door and rushes out with Radar, leaving the door open Michelle: Close the door!

Everyone rushes to close the door, leaving Tom to bleed on the floor. They close the door Tom: (In pain) I’m fucking bleeding out here! HELP ME! Jennifer: Oh shut up! Michelle: (To Brian) Go get the first aid from the kitchen

Brian exits to the kitchen Blackout If the theatre space provided offers such a service, a video clip from the Protect and Survive infomercial is played, if not or due to copyright issues, a sound clip from the Protect and Survive infomercial is played explaining actions after warning and is explained either by the video clip or by diagrams. The cast remain frozen in place whilst this is going on. Blackout. Lights fade in, we see the pub now in a bloody aftermath. Brian enters back into the pub with a first aid kit and approaches Tom who is in both in pain and in anger Tom: I’m going to kill that bastard

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Brian: Calm down! You’ve lost a lot of blood and you’re already looking pale enough already. Right, which one should we take out first? Tom: Just do it, I don’t care which one first

Brian slowly pulls out the scissors from Tom’s hand. Tom screams in pain. Blood starts splurging out. Brian quickly wraps Tom’s hand with a bandage Brian: Okay, one more Tom: God have mercy…

Brian pulls out the meat cleaver from Tom’s foot. Tom screams in pain. Blood starts spurting out. Brian quickly wraps Tom’s foot with a bandage. In the meantime, Michelle approaches Jennifer who seems lost Michelle: You okay? Jennifer: Hmm? Michelle: Are you okay? Jennifer: Oh… yeah… just… Michelle: It’s okay. Just a bit of shock, that’s all Jennifer: I just can’t believe it… Michelle: Yeah, your son did that horrible thing to your husband… Jennifer: My husband? Oh, I don’t give a shit about him, I’m worried about my son Michelle: OhJennifer: He’s out there… alone… with the fallout. What if it kills him? Michelle: Try not to think about that stuff, it’ll make things worse Jennifer: Yeah, you’re right, thank you Michelle: My pleasure

Jennifer and Michelle smile

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Brian: Right, I’ve applied what I’ve could to his wounds Tom: (Weakly) Thank you Brian: No worries

Pause Michelle: So, what are we going to do now? Brian: Do what? Michelle: Food? Our only source of food has left Brian: Ah… yeah

After a while, the group, except Tom who is too weak, look towards the kitchen and think on something horrendous. They look at each other and nod in agreement. They slowly approach the kitchen, leaving Tom in the pub Blackout End Scene

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Stage Seven: Livid If the theatre space provided offers such a service, a video clip from the Protect and Survive infomercial is played, if not or due to copyright issues, a sound clip from the Protect and Survive infomercial is played explaining water and food and is explained either by the video clip or by diagrams. Blackout. Lights fade in, we see the pub in the state that it is. Everyone looks dead from both the inside and out. We see what seems to be a dead body covered with a table cloth, a hand is protruding from the table cloth and blood is dripping. It is implied that the group had resorted to cannibalism and consumed parts of David Silence Michelle: I feel bad… Brian: For what? Michelle: For doing… (she points to the dead body on the table) that… Brian: It’s what we had to do… to survive… Tom: (Weakly) What have we resorted to? Jennifer: You enjoyed it, don’t lie

Tom weakly turns towards Jennifer in disgust Tom: I’m slowly dying of starvation and blood loss from our beloved so-called ‘son’, so having any form of food will be a definite enjoyment Jennifer: ‘So-called son’, he is your son Tom: Is he now? Jennifer: Of course, he is! What makes you say otherwise!? Tom: Oh, I don’t know… apparently, you’ve been fucking my brother behind my back Brian and Michelle: Here we go again… Jennifer: Oh, come on, it was a one-time thing!

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Tom: Just once?

Pause Jennifer: Okay maybe more…

Tom sulks Jennifer: But, sometimes, us human beings need somebody else to pleasure usTom: Of course, because their actual partners don’t have the cock to please them Jennifer: Oh, it’s not that! Tom: Piss off…

Awkward pause Jennifer: But he is your son! And besides, you let him stab you… and make you drop that meat cleaver on your footTom: Oh, will you just stuff all your shit down your diseased throat and die won’t you

Jennifer is horrified by Tom’s remark Jennifer: WHAT!? Tom: I’m absolutely fed up with you and your stupidity! You never let me speak, you never let me voice my opinion on anything, you hate meJennifer: No, I don’tTom: Yes… you… do! I’m fed up with you! In fact, you know what, I want a divorce Jennifer: A what? Tom: A divorce, right here, right now Brian: Um, don’t you need official paperwork and stuff? Tom: Well the Worlds fucked isn’t it? I can do whatever the fuck I want, and I want a divorce! Jennifer: But… Tom: But nothing! I’m fucking fed up with you, you… you… tart!

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Jennifer gasps in shock Tom: And, on that note, I’m leaving this dreadful place, I don’t care if this so-called ‘fallout’ kills me, I’d be better off dead than alive with you

Jennifer starts to cry Jennifer: Please… Tom: No pleases, ands or buts, I’m through with you. (To Brian and Michelle) Either one of you, come here

Brian slowly approaches the couple Tom: Say the following Brian: Okay… Tom: Jennifer… Brian: Jennifer… Tom: I renounce my vows… Brian: I renounce my vows… Tom: And I officially pronounce us divorced… Brian: And I officially pronounce us divorced… Tom: And I hope your rot in Hell with the rest of your family, you self-obsessed cow… (To

Brian) Don’t say that… Brian: Wasn’t planning to… Tom: There, we are officially done! DONE! And I, am out of here! (To Brian and Michelle) It was getting to know you both, wish we could have had a threesomeMichelle: Um no… Tom: You two make a wonderful couple (To Michelle) and if you truly are a Soviet spy, please drop the next nuke on my (To Jennifer) ex-wife!

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Tom opens the pub’s door and slams it shut. The barricades collapse with the shudder of the slam. Jennifer is left mortified. Brian and Michelle don’t know what to do or say Michelle: (To Jennifer) I’m… so… sorry…

Jennifer starts to tear up Michelle: Oh, don’t cry… please

Jennifer starts to cry, she rushes and exits towards the kitchen. Brian and Michelle don’t know what she’s going to do Brian: Um, where are you going?

Jennifer comes back into the pub with David’s shotgun in hand. Brian and Michelle are in shock Michelle: Whatever you’re going to do with that… please don’t Jennifer: I… I don’t hate him… Brian: I’m sure you don’tJennifer: I just mildly dislike him…

Brian and Michelle look at Jennifer with confusion Brian: Okay… let’s just… drop the gun, shall we? Jennifer: You know what? Michelle: What my lovely? Jennifer: Michael wasn’t really his son… Brian: Was he now…?

Pause Jennifer: He was his grandfather’s… Brian and Michelle: What the-

Jennifer pulls the shotgun up to her mouth

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Brian and Michelle: NO!

Blackout Sound of a shotgun is heard End Scene

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Stage Eight: Sex If the theatre space provided offers such a service, a video clip from the Protect and Survive infomercial is played, if not or due to copyright issues, a sound clip from the Protect and Survive infomercial is played explaining sanitation and is explained either by the video clip or by diagrams. Blackout. Lights fade in, we see the pub in the state that it is. David’s dead body is still covered on the table. Jennifer’s brain is splattered across the wall and her remains are scattered all over the floor. Brian and Michelle are left mortified with what they’ve just seen. They look at each other in shock and disgust Michelle: What the fuck just happened…? Brian: I just… saw… bits of brain splurge out… of… her head… Michelle: I think I’m going to be sick

Michelle rushes towards the toilet and starts to feel sick. Brian starts feeling uneasy Brian: Me too…

Brian quickly rushes towards the toilet but realises that Michelle is vomiting in there. He holds his mouth from projectile vomiting all over the place and looks around. He looks towards the audience and rushes towards an audience member as if he’s going to vomit on them but doesn’t. He looks around and sees Jennifer’s remaining part of her head and body lying motionless beside a wall. He regrets what he’s about to do and rushes towards Jennifer’s remaining part of her head and vomits in it. We hear both Brian and Michelle vomiting for a good minute or two. Michelle finishes vomiting and exits the toilet and sees Brian protruding over Jennifer’s dead body Michelle: (Sickly) What are you doing?

Brian quickly jumps up with some vomit still left in his mouth Brian: Nothing… Michelle: Did you just…

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Brian: I’m so sorry folks, blame the writer

Brian starts to feel sick again and vomits in Jennifer’s remaining part of her head Blackout If the theatre space provided offers such a service, a video clip from the Protect and Survive infomercial is played, if not or due to copyright issues, a sound clip from the Protect and Survive infomercial is played explaining fire precautions and is explained either by the video clip or by diagrams. The cast remains frozen in place whilst this is going on. Blackout. Lights fade in, we see Brian and Michelle collapsed on the floor, looking at Jennifer’s dead body on the opposite side of the pub. They are horrified by everything that’s happened Michelle: I hate this… Brian: Join my club Michelle: I wish my home country never declared war in the first place…

Brian looks at Michelle Brian: So, David was right…

Michelle looks at Brian, ashamed Michelle: (In her Russian accent) I guess he was… Brian: So, you’re a Soviet spy? Michelle: Yes… unfortunately… Brian: What was your objective? Michelle: To reside with British citizens in a shelter until the Russians arrive and take over the UK, or what’s left of it, and make the remaining British survivors join the Soviet Union… Brian: Well I guess that means me… I you don’t count two dead bodies

Michelle giggles and Brian smiles Michelle: So, you’re not mad at me?

Pause

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Brian: No

Pause Brian: Actually, I’m happy I met you in the first place

Pause, Michelle smiles Michelle: Me too Brian: And to be honest, you don’t do a convincing Scot

Michelle giggles Brian: You’re too cute to be one

Michelle blushes, Brian smiles Brian: So, are you going to turn me in once the Ruskies arrive?

Pause, Michelle thinks Michelle: Nah, fuck ‘em

They both smile. They have a moment and slowly approach each other as they’re about to kiss, however, the notice two dead bodies are in the room Michelle: Um, should we get rid of the crowd first? Brian: Well, not the audience, they’re dying for some naughty time Michelle: No… I meant the dead people Brian: Oh, yeah, definitely

Blackout If the theatre space provided offers such a service, a video clip from the Protect and Survive infomercial is played, if not or due to copyright issues, a sound clip from the Protect and Survive infomercial is played explaining the importance of a radio and is explained either by the video clip or by diagrams. The cast remain frozen in place whilst this is going on. Blackout.

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Lights fade in, we see the pub in a better state than it previously was. Brian and Michelle are sitting on the table where David’s dead body was, all cleaned up. They’re close to each other Brian: Well… it’s certainly cleaner

Michelle giggles Michelle: Indeed

They both awkwardly look at each other. They try to strike a conversation Michelle: So, tell me a bit about yourself Brian: Well, my name is Brian. I’m 34 years old, I used to live in Greenwich, but I worked in inner London as a businessman…

Brian thinks Brian: I wonder how my house is. Probably all destroyed. My mum and dad probably didn’t survive the bomb. And my cat… Bubbles, she’s probably dead too… at least they’re in a better place

Silence Brian: How about you? Michelle: Well my family is probably fine, since they’re all in Russia Brian: (Jokingly) Lucky you!

They both laugh Michelle: Joking aside, I used to work as a journalist for a small independent newspaper in Russia… before the government came in and shut it down for speaking the truth. I was hired by the USSR and forced to become an intelligence spy for them. We were taught everything we needed to know about nuclear bombs, what they were planning, where they were going to drop them and when. We were prepared with the latest information on how to survive a nuclear blast, (scoffs), probably a whole load of shit anyway. Even the scientists there had no clue how to survive a nuclear holocaust. Anyway, I was transported to the UK not too long ago and had to create a secret identity

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Brian: So, your name isn’t Michelle? Michelle: No Brian: What is it? Michelle: Misha Brian: That’s a nice name

Michelle blushes Michelle: Thanks. But still call me Michelle, otherwise the audience would get confused Brian: Of course

Pause Michelle: Why do they do it? Brian: Do what? Michelle: This. War. It divides people. It divides nations and cultures. It makes us turn on one another. We’re made to hate each other. Kill each other. Just to satisfy the powers that be. And now, toying with atomic bombs… have they learnt nothing from previous wars? Brian: Guess not… Michelle: It’s just… sad… Brian: Then again, wars have brought people together… Michelle: What do you mean? Brian: My mum and dad met each other during the Second World War, down there, (he

points down to the floor) in the underground. Whilst Hitler was bombing up above, the British stood strong and stayed together underneath. The brave men and women up above fought to keep the people down below alive… and that’s where my mum met my dad. They became close whilst stuck down there, sharing stories of up above and when the World declared peace, they fell in love, married and had me

Michelle smiles

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Michelle: That’s so sweet Brian: And I guess… this War, brought… us… together

They slowly approach each other and have moment Michelle: I wholeheartedly agree

They start to kiss. They lay on top of each other. They start to kiss and then notice the audience looking at them. Brian mimics turning off a light Blackout If the theatre space provided offers such a service, a video clip from the Protect and Survive infomercial is played, if not or due to copyright issues, a sound clip from the Protect and Survive infomercial is played explaining life under fallout conditions and is explained either by the video clip or by diagrams. Blackout. We hear a long siren. In the meantime, the set has changed to show the outside of the pub. Lights fade in, we see Brian and Michelle leave the pub and see the World as they once left it. They step outside. They feel free and liberated from the confines of the pub. They look around and then at each other. They are both happy Brian: It’s over Michelle: We can go home

Brian holds Michelle’s hand. They both look at each other and smile Brian: Together

The lights then shine bright white, symbolizing a dream, then blackout End Scene

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Stage Nine: Death If the theatre space provided offers such a service, a video clip from the Protect and Survive infomercial is played, if not or due to copyright issues, a sound clip from the Protect and Survive infomercial is played explaining what to do after an attack and is explained either by the video clip or by diagrams. In the meantime, the lights shine slightly on Brian and Michelle who slowly started to get dressed, implying they’ve had an intimate moment. At any random moment during the infomercial (at the director’s discretion), static starts playing/heard and then the infomercial switches to the National Emergency System and the alarm is heard. Brian and Michelle act accordingly. If they are not fully dressed whilst this happens, they continue to dress whilst acknowledging the National Emergency System broadcast After a while, the alarm morphs into a siren and lights flash accordingly. Brian and Michelle look at each other in confusion. Lights fade in, the siren fades in volume to background level Brian: What on Earth is going on? Michelle: I don’t know…

They start to hear people screaming. The pub door opens with haste and a random stranger (either gender), never before seen by the cast or audience enters Stranger: Hey! Is this place accepting people?

Brian and Michelle look seemingly confused Brian: What? Stranger: Don’t you hear the sirens? The Soviets are coming! Michelle: What!? Stranger: Are you deaf or something? The USSR has just deployed a nuclear bomb and it’s heading straight for London! Brian: Now? Stranger: Yes? So, is this place accepting people?

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The stranger looks around the poorly built ‘shelter’ Stranger: Fuck me. This looks like the worst shelter I’ve ever seen, even my three-year-old son can build a better shelter than this. Well, good luck to you both, you look like you need it!

The Stranger slams the door shut. Brian and Michelle are left gobsmacked. Sirens are still being played in the background. We hear radio static coming from the kitchen. After a while, Brian and Michelle turn towards the kitchen. Brian slowly walks and exits towards the kitchen After a while, he re-enters back into the pub with the radio in hand. They both look at it. Brian turns the radio’s dial till they hear dialogue coming from the radio Radio: Attention! Attention! The UK is currently under attack from nuclear weapons, you have approximately two minutes to find shelter. Communications have been severely disrupted. The number of casualties and the extent of the damage are not yet known. Stay tuned to BBC Radio 1. Remain calm and stay indoors. This is not a test. This is not a test.

Brian and Michelle look at each other, confused Brian: So… what was the other nuclear warning for…?

They both look back at the radio Radio: In regard to the previous nuclear warning, the government accidentally pressed the wrong button before and announced the national emergency system early. Apologies for any premature deaths or unnecessary panic. The government does these things sometimes. This time… we can definitely say there is an imminent nuclear attack. This is not a test. This is not a test.

They both look at each other Radio: One-minute warning…

They place the radio on the table. The sirens now play at full blast. They both slowly sit down on the table and beside the radio and hold each other’s hands Radio: 30 seconds…

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Radio: 15 seconds… Radio: 10 seconds… Radio: 5 seconds… Radio: 3… Brian: It was nice knowing you… Radio: 2… Michelle: Same here… Radio: 1… Brian and Michelle: Goodbye…

A bright light flashes, no sound After a period of silence, a series of lights and loud bangs illuminate the stage; windows crashing, walls crumbling, cutlery smashing, people screaming, all symbolizing a nuclear bomb detonating. Brian and Michelle remain seated throughout this whole ordeal. After a while, a bright white light shines. Complete silence. Blackout Music plays: The Dubliners: Protect and Survive. Lights slowly fade in and we see two skeletons; Brian and Michelle, holding each other’s hands with one skeleton holding the Protect and Survive handbook in the other hand. The pub is in complete destruction, except for the table that Brian and Michelle were sitting on Curtain Call, the two skeletons remain onstage throughout the curtain call and after bows. After bows, the song can be played in the background whilst the audience exit the theatre or venue

End

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Protect and Survive  

Inspired by 'Protect and Survive', 'When the Wind Blows' and 'Threads' with a touch of 'Fleabag' / Here's a reminder of what the air attack...

Protect and Survive  

Inspired by 'Protect and Survive', 'When the Wind Blows' and 'Threads' with a touch of 'Fleabag' / Here's a reminder of what the air attack...

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