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The war is over...if you can afford it.

Pin falls & gutter balls | by Katie Kelly | p. 7 Bump events calendar | p. 10 Alchemist Awards ballot | p. 16

www.thealchemistweekly.com VOLUME 3 NUMBER 153:22• DECEMBER 7- DECEMBER 13, 2010


voice

SYMPOSIUM symposium

VOLUME 3 NUMBER 153:22, DECEMBER 7-DECEMBER 13, 2010 Editorial

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Editors Courtney Clenney, Stanley Tollett Staff Writers Courtney Clenney, Noah Stroup, Stanley Tollett Bump Editor Courtney Clenney Contributors T. Clarence, Dirtstir, Patrick Fancher, Katie Kelly, Sarah Sullivan, Michael Thomas

Opi n i on s a n d Editor ia ls , b e t h e y ours or yours , t h i s i s wh e re th e y be.

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Dirtstir

Art

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Art Director Freddy Ruiz Layout Editor Courtney Clenney Cover Photo Stanley Tollett

J o u r n a l i st s c a l l th e m f e a tu re s; we say it ’s th e word.

Dishwashing Pins fall

Advertising

Account Executive Noah Stroup

Business

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Publisher Noah Stroup The Alchemist Weekly is published by: CorvAlcheMedia LLC PO Box 1591 Corvallis, OR 97339

Am a t e u r p ro se, poetr y and fi c t i on st i l l h a s a h ome.

We all fall down

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Alchemist Mission

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As a publication, our goal is to facilitate greater understanding and appreciation for the diverse social and cultural groups found in the area. In doing so, we hope to create a greater sense of community between Oregon State University and Corvallis, between Albany and Corvallis, and between Philomath, Lebanon and Corvallis-Albany. The Alchemist recognizes the various interests of these groups and is dedicated to being as fluid as the community it serves.

I t ’s t h e c alendar of al l t h i n g s A l b a ny, Cor v a l lis , L e b a n on , a nd P h iloma th .

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V ERDIC T

We ’ l l b e t h e judge. You be th e jur y...you tr us t us r ig h t?

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The Alchemist is available to you for free. Please limit yourself to one copy. If your picture is in it, you are welcome to take enough copies for your family.

Bookworm

Mingling seems to be a lost art. I recall scenes from movies and literature where cocktails parties were hosted and the attendees mingled about. They are introduced or introduce themselves to perfect strangers and after a brief exchange of basic functionary tasks of name, occupation, nationality, they might begin to discuss how the group managed to find their way into this place. “Oh I’ve known Hugh since our old college days” or “My wife just removed a gall stone from Hugh’s urethra, he’s a tough old bugger” and so on and so forth. Then, in the movies and books, the characters would engage in all sorts of sport conversation about all sorts of interesting topics: literature, politics, sex, the latest drug, fashion, history or art. It was all followed by bellowing laughter or sighs of incredulity. There would be this...interchange of ideas and theories and parlor talk that just seems to have been lost in today’s society. Most of the parties I have been to lately, one must shout at least three times before they can even understand the person’s name they are standing next to. Dancing is fun and it certainly takes one out of their mind, which can be incredibly liberating in today’s times, but what happened to the Waltz or the Charleston? What happened to asking a woman or a man if they would care to dance, without any expectation that that would lead to immediate sex after last call? It seems as though our leisure activities as a mass culture have experienced a de-evolution. The pomp and circumstance that used to go into a night out are simply lacking. Sure, people still put make-up on, and they shower and carefully mess up their hair, but when they get to their limited destinations it seems as though there are basically three things that people are interesting in engaging

in: getting wasted, music and having sex. And, they all seem to be doing it in tightly knit packs. Unwilling or unable to even think about talking to someone other than the three to five people with which they came. Don’t get me wrong. If you knew me, you wouldn’t believe that I would call into question the ultimate trifecta of life. My trusty trident of pleasure for so, so many years. And, it is a good goal my friends. But, is there a better and more fulfilling way in which to accomplish some of these things, perhaps expound on them and open up the doors to a new form of nightlife? A new cocktail party for the 21st century. The way people seem to be going about it is, in my opinion, poor form. Throw some panache into your game girl/boy. Talk to a stranger, engage someone with the intention of conversation with all possibilities on the table, and see where it goes. I witnessed a glimpse of it the other night at a high-class bash or sorts. People took the time to dress up, and while I still couldn’t hear myself think, and people pretty much stayed in their “pods” of three or five, it was nice to see that people still had the wit and class to put on such an event and actually show up to capacity. There was the usual bumping and grinding, free form style dancing and that’s cool. I even tried it myself after a bit of coaxing. But I couldn’t stop thinking, man...I wish there was a sound proof room with a fireplace and conversation pit where some strange people from all walks of life could cozy up and just open their minds with each other. Break down some barriers. I mean, shit...you could still get laid. -Stanley Tollett think@thealchemistweekly.com

Subject to availability, back issues can be purchased by mail for $5. Send your request with specific issue date to PO Box 1591, Corvallis, OR 97339 and include a check or money order payable to The Alchemist.

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THE ALCHEMIST

DECEMBER 7-DECEMBER 13, 2010

Last week's puzzle solutions

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voice

Teen Terror!

D I Rstir T

Mohamed Osman Mohamud, the kid with ties to Corvallis who thought he was blowing up the Portland, Pioneer Square tree lighting ceremony and those in attendance, was groomed by representatives of our own government to commit acts of terror. Whether in agreement or incredulous, read the arrest warrant and affidavit for details at www.justice.gov/usao/or/indictments/11262010_Complaint.pdf. I don’t want to spoil the story for you, but it begs the question, “Who made it possible?”. A young man (19 years old) expresses a desire for mayhem, but has absolutely no means. Helpful undercover agents provide explosives, transportation, and communications.  A target and  delivery method are decided between the young man and the agents. The young man is provided the means of detonation, and...Oh, you’ve heard the story. Read the arrest warrant and affidavit. I don’t know how the legal documentation process works, but the FBI’s 36 page affidavit and the U.S. Magistrate’s arrest warrant are both dated November 26, the day of Mohamud’s arrest for Attempted Use of a Weapon of Mass Destruction. The affidavit is the basis for the arrest warrant.  Like I said, I don’t know the process, but the FBI’s affidavit ends with Mohamud being arrested after stepping from a  car to retry the detonation phone number, suggesting  the documents were created after the event. I thought warrants were created before being served. If the affidavit and warrant were created before the event, Mohamud is documented as committing the crime before it occurred.  

Teen Terror 2! 

Raise your hand if you DIDN’T want to utterly crush, explode, kill, ruin, smash or destroy something  when you were a teenager.  You get infinite bonus points if you seriously considered destroying yourself, and didn’t.  Could you imagine if your authority figures, lets say your parents, were aware you intended to do some impermissible act, and surreptitiously suggested and promoted ways for you to reach the nth degree of your desired misdeed so that they could demonstrate and justify their authority? I will not disparage the seriousness of

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the young man wanting to do harm, nor will I deny he physically tried to detonate an inert device. The actions of the FBI, beyond ascertaining Mohamud’s genuine desire to do harm, are as masochistic as the parent that tricks their child into a transgression justifying (in their mind) a harsher punishment. Letting a kid know how thoroughly one is on to the kid’s intentions cools the kid’s actions or, if they choose to be more devious and continue the behavior, one can more legitimately bring discipline or restructuring to bear. If not, more energy is used to clean up a bigger mess. Instead, we have energy wasted extending an investigation, and much energy (money) will go in to a trial and incarceration. Instead, a subtle increase in anxiety, mistrust, paranoia, and sense of vulnerability brought about by this mock-up may result in rumblings for more security that will be interpreted as justification for further scrutiny of all persons.  

C O RVAvanities LLIS

Effortless Terror!

OK, enough.  Are you going to read Mohamud’s arrest affidavit?  Let me stir your interest.  The affidavit paragraphs (par.) are numbered, and excerpts from the afore mentioned web address give a little different story than the mainstream media is reporting. In Par. 9 and 10, the UCE (undercover employee) asks Mohamud to buy and receives in the mail “bomb making components”.  Apparently, the components are innocuous enough to not get the Postal Service’s attention or to warrant arrest at that time. You know, batteries, clips, wire, etc.. A Sunday, Nov. 28, time.com entry reports, “The FBI complaint details how undercover agents proposed other, less lethal ways Mohamud could help the jihadi cause besides bombing. In Par. 35, the FBI suggest five levels of action, including violent “operational” and “martyr” levels. Par. 89 tells us a “UCE drove the van and Mohamud was in the passenger seat.”, and Par. 90 informs us the “FBI and Portland Police Bureau ensured that the street and parking spot was open...”. Just read the affidavit.  It only takes about 10 minutes.  -jCt  dirtstirreply@gmail.com

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THE ALCHEMIST

DECEMBER 7-DECEMBER 13, 2010

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letters

LETTERS to the editor Freedom comes with limits

Greetings to my fellow Alchemists, I am responding to Stanley Tollett’s symposium on the idea of freedom in America. This topic can be discussed in many different ways. One being political, one being philosophical. I think other people could discuss the political aspects of what we call "freedom" better than I could. So I'm going to present my broader philosophical views. The dictionary is good for some things, but not for others. For example, it generally seems to do a terrible job at defining freedom if you're looking for the meaning of "real freedom." A part of me wants to say that this is because freedom is, at it's root, undefined. Unconfined. Unbounded. Limitless. But what on Earth do these words mean when we're talking about dayto-day realities? That's the question you're asking, I think. What is freedom? Are we free, or are we confined? Do we have no limits? Do we even want no limits? Does this even have any relevance to the “pursuit of happiness”? I like your image of “real freedom”. I don't agree with it, but I think it's a fun idea to look at. Living off the land, going off the grid, shunning society and all its complex laws and socially out of date concepts, etc... and doing ANYTHING you want? Ok, so what if you wanted to clone a human? You're “free” to construct an off-the-grid cloning facility with your own bleeding meat-hooks somehow. But the truth is, you'd run into an awful lot of hindrances. Say you lived in the jungles of South America and you wanted to eat the Mona Lisa for dinner or floss your teeth with hair plucked from Princess Diana's corpse before nightfall. Are you free to do that? No matter how fast you crash through the underbrush towards England, you're simply going to discover your limits. That is, you are confined by time and space. Alas! You are CAGED in this physical body, CONSTRAINED to live in a world that unforgivably refuses to cater to “whatever you want.” Can we do “whatever we want” in America? Can we do “whatever we want” anywhere else in the universe? Well, both of these depend on what you want. Either freedom to do anything is a total fantasy, or “the power or right to act, speak or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint” is shortsighted as a definition of freedom. I think one of the funniest thing about us humans is our imaginations. I heard somewhere that the Australian Aborigines say that each creature has a special job in this world, and the special thing that humans have is the ability to tell stories about it all. We're the storytellers. Another way of saying that is, we have the ability to form complex abstractions in our minds. This can be a very useful strategy for creating categories and observing patterns (e.g. “this stone has special abilities that can

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make it sharp, and these other stones aren't as special.”) Another way of saying this is that we have the ability to make stuff up, pull things out of our butts, and believe in things that are not real. We have the ability to fool ourselves. Here's one such thing our storytelling mind has made up: “If I open an umbrella inside, I will get struck by lightening.” Here's another: “If I get what I want, I will be happy.” No matter how badly you want to eat the Mona Lisa while trapped in the Amazon, you're still insane (i.e. disconnected from reality). In other words, you can't always get what you want. I don't know exactly why our culture does this (Capitalism? The devil? Illuminati?), but we are constantly encouraged to “do what you want,” “get what you want,” blah, blah, “chase your wants as fast as you can, and please don't actually think about where your desires are coming from in the first place.” This shit is good business. Especially when you equate “fulfillment of desire” with “happiness”. News flash: it's all horse-shit. If you study the field of marketing for even a few moments, you will find that the essence of it is the manipulation of desire. Billions of dollars are pumped into scientific, balls-to-clipboards hightech research into how to MAKE people WANT a product. Your wants and desires are mailable, like silly putty. Or direct-able, like a stream of water. They change all the time, from day to day. They tug against each other and fight with each other. You want to quit smoking; you want a cigarette. You want to play Xbox; you want a better social life. You want to feel free and independent; you want to be held and taken care of. You want to buy her another drink; you want get more sleep. Our wants and desires are not always based on the truth. Investigate their sources (a painful but fulfilling process), and you will find that many of your most deeply cherished desires are based on misconceptions, or sometimes

outright lies. If desires are malleable, and freedom is the power to fulfill your desires without hindrance, then a society who's desires have all been redirected towards fulfillable functions would be a completely free society, right? An awful lot of people think so. What if those fulfillable functions were the cash-spending/consuming functions? Imagine a world where you WANT to keep trying to be a rock/movie star or a millionaire or a sex god, or at least “comfortable and happy” by purchasing the acceptable standards for those things? Sound familiar? Dissatisfied with the daily grind of the life of a worker bee? Excellent! Dissatisfaction is the money-machine's favorite food. Why else would you want to buy your way out? Of course, you're also told to be thankful of the system, for providing the opportunity to buy your way out, to fulfill the dreams it's given you. Racketeering on a grand scale. Our entertainment industry is rapidly taking us into the direction where we CAN “do” and “be” anything we want within lifelike computer-generated environments. Take that Blue Pill and believe whatever you want to believe. Desires are as fickle as the wind, and very subject to ignorance. If you could literally do anything you wanted, you would be an omnipotent idiot, and I would rather not live in your universe, no offense intended. I believe that freedom is not an absence of walls or hindrances. Were it not for the limits which your bones place upon your body's structure, you would not be able to walk. Were it not for the complex laws of society, you'd not be able to share the road with other drivers. Were it not for the confining shell of a caterpillar's cocoon, this creature would have no opportunity to dissolve it's body and re-assemble it into the form of a butterfly. I have a lot of opinions on what freedom is not, but I am not sure exactly what freedom is. Sometimes I think

You want to play Xbox; you want a better social life. You want to feel free and independent; you want to be held and taken care of. You want to buy her another drink; you want get more sleep. Our wants and desires are not always based on the truth. Investigate their sources (a painful but fulfilling process), and you will find that many of your most deeply cherished desires are based on misconceptions, or sometimes outright lies.

DECEMBER 7-DECEMBER 13, 2010

THE ALCHEMIST

I've only really experienced it a few times. Sometimes I think I am always free, whether I know it or not. Sometimes I think freedom is a complete fantasy. Sometimes I think we can make up arbitrary definitions of freedom and all just have a giant circle-jerk for ever after. But that's because my thoughts are pretty messy a lot of the time, and do little but confuse me. From my perspective today, I want to say that freedom comes from an awareness of your true limits, and a love of your limits. Another way of saying that is freedom comes from observing (to the best of your ability) where you truly are (not where you think you are) and learning how to make love to that life-situation. If you deny how you truly feel and deny your own responsibility in creating your current life situation, you are creating a prison for yourself and for those around you. If you refuse to acknowledge that you have the power (if you Will it) to feed love to any situation, you are creating a prison for yourself and for those around you. To me, “feeding love to” or “making love to” a life-situation does not necessarily mean submitting to it and always "going with the flow." Love (which has respect as a prerequisite) has two aspects: Submission and domination. If your situation requires you to submit, then submit with all of your heart. If your situation requires you to dominate, then dominate with all of your heart. If it requires you to fluctuate rapidly between those, let it happen. If you are in a prison cell, you can still be free if you make love to your situation. If you find yourself lost in the jungle, having shunned society on a whim, and jonesing for a Mona Lisa snack, you can still be free if you make love to your situation. These are extreme examples, so consider examples from your own life (It's dark and you run into a wall. Ask the situation what role it wants you to play, then get busy and dance. Adapt). Freedom means taking responsibility for your actions. Freedom means letting the world around you be free. Love means respect and respect means challenge, opposition, and cooperation. Babies come from friction. No matter how much you want to, you're not going to live forever. You will die, and far sooner than you think. How's that for a prison? But your eyes are the eyes of the universe, and so are your hands, and your mind, and so on. Unlimited existence experiences limitation through your limited life. You were born “into a prison” to experience it intimately, to come to terms with it, and then pass on. I think this is true for any given experience. There's a philosophy I'm a fan of which says “Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law. Love is the law, love under will.” It is not “Do what you want,” but do what you Will (an act of Love). I encourage you to find the difference between those. -Bryan Smith

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letters

Wait for it...Coming Soon!

EthePepic I Lblog O ofG U E

Freedom in a poem i dug your symposium this week—you brought up a great + expansive question. there is so much in the answer to this question of “Are we truly free?” in my mind—in the way i think—no, we are not in the true sense free. we are told a range of things we are able to do. granted, we’re able to make choices—we don’t have to do a lot of things if we don’t want, but those “choices” we have are given to us. You brought up a good point, saying “if you went off and didn’t hurt anyone else in your own wierd pursuit of happiness, what crime is that?” that right there is why we are not truely free. i don’t have the freedom to smoke a joint in my own house— if i were caught i would be fined. i am harming no one else on this earth, only myself—if that, and i get in trouble. there are so many little things that we “can’t do”. i say it like that because we “can do it” but we get ticket—or worse—arrested. when the only things we can do—and pursue on a regular day-to-day basis, are those things that the current goverment, and previous politicians, hand out to us. they debate what’s right and wrong for us. they tell you and me what we can and can’t do. that is why i do not think we are free. on a mass scale—say the country— if we all believe we are free, the goverment is doing the best, for us, they are making our lives as great and wonderful as they can, when we stop worrying and thinking about what our goverments doing, that’s when they have the most control. we are not free—not yet at least. -Louis Keys

The Response

Thank you to the readers who responded to last weeks Symposium, I really enjoyed reading and learning from your responses. My greatest hope is to inspire thought and conversation in the community about things that tickle our imaginations and inspire us to really take a look at this beautiful and tragic life. To create our own print version of the conversation pit, while we wait on some budding entrepreneur to capitalize on my idea. -Stanley Tollett

Letters to the Editor may be edited for grammar and clarity and space constraints.

The Alchemist Weekly

From behind the whiskers Maybe I’m a little slow. It took me a while to realize that “High Class Mustache Bash” actually meant semi-formal attire. So, 30 minutes before the oh-so-fabulous fiesta last night, I was rummaging through my closest for something appropriate. It’s been a long No-Shave November for the fellas and the fourth annual mustache splash, sponsored by Mt. Bachelor, Cloud 9, and (ahem) The Alchemist Weekly was the pinnacle to the razor-less month. Donning an uber-sparkly-bedazzled dress, vintage a la’ New Year’s Eve 2010, the roommate and I set out for our adventure; at last count the Facebook page noted 211 confirmed attendees, by far the largest fête I’ve attended since packing up my wagon and heading West from Texas last June. The boys were dapper and the ladies were fetching, even the gaggle of them that decided to line-cut the roomie and I at the door. Apparently, not wearing a coat in December gives you VIP privileges in the queue. Alas, no harm, no fowl. Pun intended. Inside, Team Banzai had everyone movin’ and groovin’ and the elbow-to-elbow crowd, well… “Anybody have any ibuprofen on them?” Noah Stroup, publisher of The Alchemist Weekly asked. Later to inform us that his headache was not from the party, just left-over from a hard day at work. Good times were being had. According to my very complicated method of how long it took to get a beverage, I’d say the Facebook count was pretty much spot on, although roommate observed an abnormally large amount of females to males at this mustache bash. Party-goers may or may not have been aware at the beginning of the evening as to the point of the celebration, but as the night wore on, it became very clear the guest of honor was the lip fur and what a stupendous appearance it made. Side note: check out the back of the very paper you are holding for some pictures of the bash. No doubt, Corvallians dressed to the nines can attract some attention. At one point the holy of holies may have even graced us with his presence, “That guy looks like Jesus!” the roommate said. We do know, for a fact, arguably the most famous Corvallis ‘stache was in attendance. And, like any good party, all things come to an end when the fights begin. From our impeccable reporting skills, we’ve gleaned that somebody punched somebody, the accusation was contested, but none-the-less the Johnny-on-the-spot bouncers at Cloud 9 did their duty and rid the class of the trash. “It was a success, there were mustaches,” Stroup summed up the night. -Courtney Clenney

EPILOGUE: The Epic Blog of The Alchemist Weekly

Now available for public consumption.

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Note: If your attention lasts longer than 4 hours, you’re obviously looking at the wrong blog.

THE ALCHEMIST

DECEMBER 7-DECEMBER 13, 2010

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Dishes are done, man!

Can I hang my degree on the power washer?

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y work shift begins and ends the same way every night, I face a stack of dirty dishes covered in discarded food scraps sitting atop pots, pans and the other miscellaneous cooking utensils the chefs and wait staff need me to clean. The job is too fast-paced at times, so I go home late, exhausted, and smelling like the garbage I take out at the end of the night. Despite the drawbacks of the work, I'm thankful to have a paying atrick ancher job with guaranteed hours, especially since I'm soon to be $20,000 in debt from student loans. It's not the first place I envisioned myself working post graduation from OSU, but I had no illusions about landing a dream job in my hometown either. The economy is pathetic, and most of us in the class of 2010 are lucky if we can find work at all. As an aspiring professional writer, I knew the opportunities to write for a publication in Corvallis would be limited and prepared myself to take any job, while finding time to write on the side. Luckily, I've been able to secure two non-paying writing opportunities along with my job washing dishes on the weekend. I got the dish washing job at a time when I was discouraged, as I had exhausted all other options. I couldn't even get interviews at Home Depot, Market of Choice or for an editorial internship that I was more than qualified to do. The funny thing is, I had classmates who wouldn't settle for a job washing dishes because as college graduates they'd consider such work beneath their expected pay grade. One of my friends, Dave Sahr, a Corvallis native, who graduated from OSU in '09 faced the same dilemma. Like me, he received a degree in New Media Communications, but earlier in the year took a job as a line cook at Cloud 9 Bistro and Bar. He got the job with no prior cooking experience, at a time when he had no other job prospects. "I looked long and hard for a job for about four months until getting a very random and unexpected opportunity at Cloud 9 as a line cook. I was pretty much at a point where I had no other choice," Sahr said. Sahr is an extraordinary artist. I've seen many of the amazing things he's drawn. For instance, I remember we had to make

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these postcards for our Spanish class that featured a landmark or an aspect of Brazilian culture. I was proud of the color photos of ancient artwork that took me at least an hour to find online and glued them to a 3x5 card. Sahr on the other hand, drew an immaculate overview of a city, and it took him far less time to do it. Like me, he has enjoyed making new friends on the job, but also has other longterm career goals in mind. He says his preferred work experience would be "something that allows me to be creative, whether that be in the arts or conceptual work behind the scenes of movies or television, I'm not sure. Doing conceptual work for a great company like Pixar or Laika up in Portland would be a dream." Sahr said. Sahr and I aren't the only people struggling to find work in our home state. According to a Bill Graves article in The Oregonian, there were more than 212,000 unemployed people in Oregon as of June.

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With my aspirations I kind of know I'm going to have to leave Corvallis, which is fine with me. I love this town and I always will, but it doesn't offer much in terms of what I'm looking for.

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DECEMBER 7-DECEMBER 13, 2010

THE ALCHEMIST

This startling number may also include some of the more than 11,000 of the 2010 graduates from Oregon's seven public universities, as well as the 2009 graduates still looking for work. While we are both admittedly fond of Corvallis, moving elsewhere to achieve our career goals is something we've come to accept. "With my aspirations I kind of know I'm going to have to leave Corvallis, which is fine with me. I love this town and I always will, but it doesn't offer much in terms of what I'm looking for," Sahr said. "Right now to be pulling in a paycheck, albeit a small one, is something I'm truly grateful for.” I feel the same. And, until I land my professional writing job, I appreciate being able to work at a high-end restaurant that tips out well. Because the owner is a friend, I enjoy watching the restaurant succeed. Plus, I get to take home a slice of the best cheesecake I've ever had, and at a discount price. That's a sweet way to end any work shift.

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Pin falls & gutter balls College graduate works three jobs to pay the bills.

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Photos by Katie Kelly

t’s late in the back kitchen at Highland Bowling Alley. Rachel Bruner crisscrosses ketchup and mustard over hamburger buns, while sounds of violent thuds, rolls, and climactic crashes harmonize in the background. She has a musical note tattooed on her wrist. At 24-years-old, with a bachelor’s degree in exercise science, Bruner struggles to pay her bills. She works nights at Highland, days at OSU’s Arnold Dining Center, and extra shifts in the kitchen at the Children’s Farm. Her 70hour workweek atie elly goes directly to credit card and school debt. “I’m a very independent person, I don’t like to ask anyone for anything. I really hate that there are bills out there that I can’t pay,” Bruner says. The assistant manager, Garrett Manfull, leans in the doorway with a laid-back smile above his goatee scruff. “This is my dream job, if it paid more, I’d make half as much as my old job, but I’m 100 percent happier,” Manfull says. Bruner palms baskets of fries and walks out past oil-slick lanes scattered with a cross-section of Benton County characters. A solitary man stands poised, bowling ball to his chest like he just walked into a western bar and those ten pins were about to shoot. Next to him, a clutch of teenagers are lounging on bolted-down blue chairs and exchanging high-school war stories. Nearby a college girl crouches and pendulum-swings the ball to the endearment of her boyfriend, baffled by her clean strike. “Bowling people,” Bruner says, “are a perfect example of the working class, average blue-collar and super easy to relate to.” She drops off the baskets, grabs a clean pitcher and snaps back a tap of Amber Ale, “It’s a family” Bruner says, “Hell, I hang out here when I’m not working.” A year ago, Bruner’s father died. “I was actually here when I got the phone call. Monday night,” mid-sentence she pauses to greet a red-cheeked man in a rain slicker, “I came back to work and it was surreal, my league bowlers were so supportive, but I just kept thinking ‘I’m trying to be strong, don’t hug me,’ and of course they did.” After that, her grades plummeted and an unpaid internship put her into debt. “It was a real slap in the face, I interned in the Cardiac Rehab Center at Good Samaritan and they gave the job to someone else in my class who hadn’t worked in the department,” she says. “I get frustrated but I keep applying.” She looks up and grins, “You know what my motto is? Dance like no one’s watching. It means even more now.” The pins crash down, the machine re-sets.

K K

The bowling alley is even more timeless as midnight ticks by, the music and lights posing as daytime. The cowboy finally moseyed off and the kids are probably haunting La Conga by now. The crescendo of drum-roll pins has dwindled to a solo act on the last lane. “We’ll usually let them stick around while we clean up as long as they aren’t being too rowdy,” Bruner says, as she squeezes a steady spray of water on the waiting stack of dirty glasses and baskets. Manfull, with the same smile he wore at the start of his shift, takes a rag out to the tables. “My favorites are the children’s parties,” he says, “they’ll roll it so slow that the ball will stop when it hits the pins. Cosmic Bowling on Friday night is the worst, kids sneak in drinks. I’ll be looking right at them, wine coolers sticking out of the elastic of their sweatpants and they’ll deny it.” Across the ceiling are immortalized names on blue plaques. Manfull points at a shy skinny man with kind eyes clearing off beer pitchers from a neighboring table, “Ken’s name is all over the place,” Manfull says. Ken Hokama, the elusive third member of the Monday night shift looks up and smiles, one tooth missing like a scrappy kid. He’s worked at Highland for 13 years. Hokama waves off the praise and points to another board of current legends, “I’m not up there. I hurt my elbow from bowling too much.” Bruner steps out of the kitchen, wiping wet hands on the front of her uniform. The cleaning is done and the three bowling friends are exhausted. With the lights dimmed, Bruner finally sets the alarm. Sliding doors yawn open, and the captured energy of pin falls, gutter balls and high fives seep out into the sleepy valley night.

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THE ALCHEMIST

DECEMBER 7-DECEMBER 13, 2010

7


literati

STORIES

We all fall down By Sarah Sullivan

“Ring ‘round the roses, pocket full of poses, askes, askes, we all fall DOWN!” Looking into the grinning faces of the five and seven year-olds, who tugged on my hands to get me to join in their game, you would never know that they had witnessed their families being crushed by falling rubble. Or, that they had heard the screaming wails of pain, watched their neighbors buried in the falling cinder blocks and scrap metal, and realized that they were alone in the world. The faces of the children at the Sonlight Orphanage in Port-au-Prince,

CORVALLIS HOLIDAY FESTIVAL BENTON

COUNTY FAIRGROUNDS

Grueber Hall Friday, December 10th 2:00 - 8:00 pm Saturday, December 11th 9:00 am - 7:00 pm Featuring crafts, local businesses, gift exchange & workshops OSU Global Formula Racing Synergea Chiripractic Wellness FixMyGadget Sustainable Christmas sponsored by Montage Oriental Medicine Qi Gong to Relieve Holiday Stress Grandpa's Woodshed Anne Dover consignment clothing SnowPeakAlpacas.com Zillow Pillows Choice Solar Cell Phone Chargers Claude Winter Ukranian Eggs And More!

8

Haiti were strong and stubborn. Just like their upbringing. I had heard about Roberta and her Sonlight Orphanage from a friend and decided to go to Haiti to see what I could do for her and the thirty-six orphans she cared for. The children ranged in age from fourteen months to twenty-four years. The way Roberta cared for them, it was easy to tell that these were not just her charges; these were her sons and daughters. And, she was simply ‘Mom’ to all of them. Her hard looks would make the twenty-year-old boys cower and comply; and, the girls rally for one more moonlight game of basketball with Mom on the cracked concrete slab next to the orphanage. Roberta is an implanted Haitian. She is originally from the States, born and raised in Georgia. She came to Haiti when she was a young woman on a visit and as she explained to me, “I just knew that this was where my life had been waiting for me.” The Santos neighborhood in Port-auPrince, where the orphanage was located had been plagued by a gang who was hoarding the food being handed out by aid workers, and so, Roberta had arranged to have the organizations involved with her orphanage send shipping containers directly to her. However, this still meant she had to go to the Dominican Border to present the paperwork and collect them I went with her early one morning in the Daihatsu truck, winding our way through the thin and twisted streets of Port-auPrince, heading for the Haitian border. The hot, sticky air hung over the dark city, heavy with the smells of waste and death. This was my third trip to this country, but the earthquake had left a smell of rotting flesh and despair in its wake that I had always hoped I

wouldn’t experience here. The smell seemed to follow us as we entered Jimani, the gatekeeper city into the Dominican Republic, where we would spend six hours in line, waiting to argue with a fat man, reclined in a plastic chair, lazily swatting flies and waiting with his hand out. Bribery is expected in Haiti when dealing with government officials, but Roberta refused to comply. Her reply to each of his hinting statements was, “Comida para las casa de los niños.” She said it calmly, arms crossed. Finally, after an hour and a half, the man realized the 54-year-old black woman from Georgia, standing before him, was not going to give in and he finally waved us through. When we got the shipping container back to the orphanage we worked quickly to separate and bag its contents into food parcels to be given out to starving neighbors. We worked bagging food every day that week, in addition to the chores the children did such as cooking, caring for the babies, washing clothes, and attending home school classes given by Roberta. While the children were in classes, I planted and tended the garden behind the orphanage, fixed water pipes, and even learned one afternoon how to coax the ancient generator to restart, through an elaborate combination of hand gestures and loud Kreyol. The earthquake had taken down the wobbly cinder block walls around everyone’s homes in Port-au-Prince, and along with it, their sense of security. After the earthquake, Manna International sent a shipping container full of tents and families had moved into the empty lots all over Port-au-Prince, forming their own tent cities. When I’d gotten to Port-au-Prince, I had decided to camp

in the tent city next to the orphanage. I had pitched my tent on the only open space in the lot; right in the middle of the camp.  It had only taken twelve hours before I was on a first name basis with the Jean-Philips family across from me. Their son and daughter Mirlinda and Jacque often came with me to the orphanage in the mornings to get a bowl of Mila, which is boiled corn meal. The earthquake brought with its shocks, a return to the simple necessities of life. I sat with an older workman named George, whose tent was next to mine, for several hours one night, as he told me how people are becoming less worried about having cell phones and MP3 players, and are more interested in returning to the things that mattered in life, “food to eat, place to sleep, and work to do,” counting them off on his mason’s fingers; crooked and wrought with arthritis. The earthquake caused a lot of things to fall in Haiti; buildings, homes, churches, hope, faith, and security. However, it also caused what I call a “good fall” in many ways. Many of the arbitrary walls built around, even the vacant lots during the time of Aristide and his drug regime, were revealed after the earthquake and became tent cities, a place for families to reunite under canvas and tarps and be thankful just to be together and alive. It’s been a good falling of arrogant pride, appearances, and materialism. They were returning to necessities; even President Preval was homeless and living in a tent after the earthquake. We all fall down, what matters is what we learn and who is there to pick us up. Read this story in its entirety @ www.thealchemistweekly.com

“So, the story just ends?” she queries. “Not exactly,” I say. “Well, I’m not seeing any more to read,” she explains. “Just because you don’t see it here, doesn’t imply that it doesn’t exist elsewhere,” I counter. “If not here, then where can I find it?” she ponders. “It’s in your mind,” I offer. “Bullsh*t!” she exclaims. “You’re right. Read the rest of Literati on www.thealchemistweekly.com,” I explain. “FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

DECEMBER 7-DECEMBER 13, 2010

THE ALCHEMIST

WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM


literati

dream: Bored Laughter

Chronicles of Detective Siempre By T. Clarence

Part I

¨A nineteen hand.¨ Detective Candy Siempre´s eyes scanned Regina´s cards on the table, then looked up to her. ¨You missed knobs for one,¨ he said halfheartedly as his hand slowly moved towards his peg. ¨Oh,¨ Regina´s own hand shot out and grabbed Candy´s. The detective froze, surprised. ¨What are you doing?¨ his client asked. ¨You missed your point, so I´m taking it,¨ he explained. Neither withdrew their hands from the board. ¨My grandfather taught me to never let someone steal my points,¨ Regina said. ¨Well my grandpa taught me not to miss any, and to gain by others mistakes,¨ Candy countered. ¨We´re in my dream,¨ Regina said flatly. ¨Fine,¨ he let go. Regina smiled faintly as she moved her back peg one slot ahead of her lead, ¨What´s knobs supposed to be, anyway? It´s called ´his heels.´¨ ¨That´s how my grandpa called it, so that´s how I call it, no matter whose dream I´m in,¨ Candy spoke harshly. A game of cards had seemed to them both like a fine way to perk up a dream, but they were at least half an hour in before they´d gone halfway, and now over an hour later they were still going. ¨My grandfather told me-¨ Regina began. ¨You paid me to figure out why your dreams have been so boring,¨ C´s eyes flicked up from his cards to meet Regina´s, ¨You can´t pay me enough to sit here and argue about our grandfathers.¨ ¨But-¨ ¨Fifteen two, fifteen four,¨ C flopped his cards down, ¨There is no more.¨ Regina eyed his hand carefully as Candy pegged to within easy distance of winning. He flipped over his crib and after a second, sighed. ¨A pair for two, that´ll do.¨ With the detective one point in the lead and two points from going out, the game continued on. Regina shuffled as Candy stared gloomily at his glass of water, then

hers. Nothing else was on the table. ¨If I win, I´m tossing you from a trolley,¨ she said. The long game had taken boredom into painful tediousness, and they´d started to irritate each other more and more. Then the threats had begun. The detective glanced up and past Regina to a window where barren fields now lulled past, as if seen from a slowly moving train. ¨If I win,¨ he said as she began to deal, ¨I´m tossing you from a balcony. It´ll be exciting.¨ He knew already what would appear in the window behind him and didn´t bother to turn for a look. ¨Four,¨ he lead with a spade after handing his two discards over to Regina. She smiled, ¨Eight for two.¨ Regina reached to move her peg as Candy dropped another card on the table, ¨Twelve for six. Game.¨ ¨Epic fail,¨ Regina said with wonder in her voice. The detective stood and stretched, ¨You know, I think I will try the trolley.¨ ¨Tap! Tap!¨ and the detective sighed again as he tried the window. It wouldn´t open. ¨I´m out,¨ he pinched his arm. After blinking a few times, Candy unhurriedly leaned across the desk to shake Regina´s arm until she woke. ¨Epic fail,¨ she mumbled again. ¨As boring as you said, and I could effect no change to your dream as I warned,¨ Candy contested. ¨Another two people came in about exceedingly boring dreams while you were out,¨ the detective´s secretary, Susan, poked her head in at the sound of voices, ¨That´s eight in the last four days. I don´t know if I can take the pained look on their faces many more times.¨ Candy´s brow furrowed in concentration, ¨That one was definitely boring. I didn´t see any sign of what´s causing it though.¨ ¨I can´t believe I lost,¨ Regina said so suddenly that both Candy and Susan jumped. He looked to her and shrugged, ¨It was your dream.¨ Read this story in its entirety @ www.thealchemistweekly.com

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Wed Dec 8th Levator

140 Hill St. Albany, OR (541) 928-1931

Thurs Dec 9th Wild Hog in the Woods Sat Dec 11th Future Roots Sunday Dec. 12th Blues Jam 140 Hill St. NE Albany 541.928.1931

Wishing you a

All I want for Christmas…is a 70-lb. wheel of cheese. South Corvallis 1007 SE 3rd St (541)753-3115 Open 7-9 North Corvallis NW 29th & Grant (541)452-3115 Open 7-9 www.firstalt.coop

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delicious holiday season. , the Co-op

DECEMBER 7-DECEMBER 13, 2010

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bump Albany

eclectic

tuesday

07

Calapooia Brewing Wednesday

Corvallis

Enoteca Wine Bar Girls night out! Knit night [CRAFT] 7:00 pm

live music

Corvallis

Sunnyside Up Café 116 NW 3rd St. Celtic Jam [CELTIC] 7 pm, FREE

Levator

First Presbyterian Church 114 SW Eight St. Community Festival of Lights [HOLIDAY] 7 pm  WineStyles 2333 NW Kings Blvd Tuesday Trivia League [THINK] 6:00 pm; $10 per team

Celtic Jam [CELTIC] Tuesday 7 pm, FREE Sunnyside Up Café, [INDIE ROCK]

Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Corvallis 2945 NW Circle Blvd. Corvallis Community Choir rehearsals 7-9 pm, $50

Lebanon

Merlin’s Bar & Grill Karaoke Nightly

lecture

Albany Public Library 22450 14th Ave. SE Bill McCash, "Bombs Over Brookings" 6:30 pm

Philomath

Synergea Chiropractic 111 N 20th St. Wellness Workshop: Depression Without Medicine 6:30 pm, FREE

Corvallis

116 NW 3rd St.

8 pm

Peacock Bar & Grill Karaoke, 9:00 pm, FREE On the Top: DJ Big Cheese, 9:00 pm FREE

Albany

Corvallis

sing

Corvallis

dance

Corvallis Elks Lodge 1400 NW 9th St. Beginner Line Dance 7:00 pm, $3 OSU Women’s Building Room 112 Salsa Dancing 8:00 pm

Corvallis,Wednesday, 12 pm, FREE

Benton County Public Library 645 NW Monroe Ave.

Larry Roper reviews Michael Lewis: The Blind Side: Evolution of a Game

Lebanon

Cascade Performing Arts Center 800 Harrison St. Beginner Adult Ballet Classes 7:30-8:30 pm, $5

eat/drink

Corvallis

Luc 134 SW Fourth St. Kopke port dinner, multicourse dinner for 32 people 7 pm, $60

wednesday Photo

©

Dave Kennedy www.davekennedyimages.com

live music

Albany

Corvallis

Riley’s Billiards Bar and Grill Pure Country Night - Country Dancing with DJ 9:00pm

Albany Eagles Lodge 127 Broadalbin St Albany Senior Dance 1:30-3:30 pm, $3

Calapooia Brewing Levator [INDIE ROCK] 8 pm

Sunnyside Up Café 116 NW 3rd St. Bluegrass Jam [BLUEGRASS] 7:00 pm, FREE

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DECEMBER 7-DECEMBER 13, 2010

Corvallis

Lebanon

Old World Deli 341 SW Second St. Belly Dance 8 pm

Tangent

Peter Gysegem’s Studio Argentine Tango Classes 7:15 pm, $5 peter@gysegem.com

Peacock Bar & Grill East The Brand [BLUES] 7 pm

60. Navel reserve? 61. Foreign pump namev

dance

Albany

Dixie Creek Saloon Battle of the Bands 7:00 pm, FREE

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08

eat/drink

Corvallis

Cloud 9 126 SW 1st St. Beer & Blog 5 pm

Enoteca Wine Bar Wine Tasting 7 pm, $10

Corvallis

lecture

Benton County Public Library 645 NW Monroe Ave. Larry Roper reviews Michael Lewis' "The Blind Side: Evolution of a Game" 12 pm, FREE

Lebanon

sing

Merlin’s Bar & Grill Karaoke Nightly

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bump Contributed Photo

Corvallis FireWorks Thursday 7pm

Melanie Reid

[AMERICANA BLUES]

thursday

09

live music

Albany

Calapooia Brewing Wild Hog in the Woods [STRING BAND] 7:30 pm Chasers Bar & Grill 435 Second Ave. SE The Lucky Pups [ROCK] 7:30 pm

Corvallis

Bombs Away Café Dessert First [CLASSIC ROCK] 9 pm, FREE FireWorks Melanie Reid [AMERICANA BLUES] 7 pm OSU LaSells Stewart Center Austin Auditorium Celtic Christmas concert "Under the Wonder Sky" [CELTIC] 7 pm, donations for Friends of the Family Ministries

Lebanon

Peacock Bar & Grill East Blues Jam 7 pm

sing

Lebanon

Merlin’s Bar & Grill Karaoke Nightly

dance

Albany

Albany Eagles Lodge 127 Broadalbin St. NW Line dance, couples dance lessons and open dancing 7 pm, $4 Riley’s Billiards Bar and Grill Ladies Night with DJ Unofficial 9 pm

Corvallis

Peacock Bar & Grill Karaoke, 9:00 pm On the top DJ Mike, 9:00 pm, $2

eclectic

Corvallis

Cloud 9 Poetics [SPOKEN] 8 pm

stage

Albany

Albany Civic Theater 111 First Ave. SW “Meet Me in St. Louis" 8 pm $10-$13

Corvallis

Cheldelin Middle School cafeteria 987 NE Conifer Blvd. "Charlotte's Web" Cheldelin After School Drama 7 pm, $1 suggested donation

eat/drink

Corvallis

Enoteca Wine Bar Chocolate Truffle Happy Hour FREE Truffles 6-8 pm First Alternative Co-Op North 2855 NW Grant Ave. Wine tasting, 5-7 pm WineStyles 2333 NW Kings Blvd. Wine tasting: Nuthatch Cellars 5:30, $7

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THE ALCHEMIST

DECEMBER 7-DECEMBER 13, 2010

11


bump

10 friday

It's an everyday thing Albany Downtown Albany 250 Broadalbin St. SW Night Time Magic 5-10 pm through December 31 Festively Lit Historic District Heritage Mall Santa [HOLIDAY] 7 am-10 pm Friday through December 24 Adopt a Child for Furniture Share’s “Beds for Kids” through December 24

Linn County Fair & Expo Center, Cascade Livestock Building 3700 Knox Butte Rd. Christmas Storybook Land [HOLIDAY] 6:30-8:30 pm through December 17 Corvallis The Arts Center 700 SW Madison Where Birds Dream [AUCTION/EXHIBIT] 12-5 pm Tuesday-Saturday Auction through December 10 & Exhibit through December 24

Corvallis

See’s Candies holiday gift center 113 SW 3rd St. Ste. A [BUY] 9 am-7 pm through December 26

sing

Peacock Bar and Grill Karaoke, 9 pm On the Top: DJ Alex, 9 pm

Lebanon

Albany

dance

Riley’s Billiards Bar and Grill Ladies Night with DJ Unofficial 9 pm

Corvallis

Corvallis Senior Center 2601 NW Taylor Ave. Friday Night Dancers 7 pm, $2-$4

Merlin’s Bar & Grill Karaoke Nightly

Tangent

Corvallis

Dixie Creek Saloon Karaoke 9 pm

stage TEAL Artist Cooperative Albany 120 SW Fourth St. Albany Civic Theater Local Art Display [BUY] 111 First Ave. SW Me in St. Louis 8 pm 10-6 pm, through December 28 Meet $10-$13

shop

The Arts Center 700 SW Madison St. Where the Birds Dream End of Auction Party 6-8 pm LBCC Benton Center Ceramics Studio 757 NW Polk Ave. Pottery Sale, 3:30 pm

Corvallis Lebanon eclectic Cheldelin Middle School cafeteria Albany Linn County Arts Guild 987 NE Conifer Blvd. "Charlotte's Web" Cheldelin After School Albany Public Library 680 Main St. 2450 14the Ave. SE Drama 7 pm, $1 suggested donation Jane Donovan & Readers Theater: Handcrafted in Linn County "Silver Tea to Honor Special Member," Magestic Theatre gift store [BUY] 12 pm 115 SW Second St. 11 am-6 pm through December 23 Dave Sedaris' "The Santaland Diaries" & "Season's Greetings" performed by Harriet Nixon and Paul Watts 8 pm, $20

Corvallis

OSU Memorial Union Council Room PeaceJam Write for Rights Campaign: world's largest letter-writing campaign [CAUSE] 10 am-3 pm

Contributed Photo

live music

Albany

St. Mary’s Catholic Church 728 Ellsworth St. SW St. Mary’s School: “Sounds of the Season” [HOLIDAY] 7 pm, $10

Corvallis

The Beanery on Second St. Tommy G from the 509 [ACOUSTIC] 8 pm Bombs Away Café The Kindreds [COUNTRY FOLK] 9 pm, FREE Cloud 9 Violet Isle, The Fjords, Water & Bodies, & Colin Woekel [ROCK] 10 pm FireWorks Adam Scramstad [BLUES] 8 pm OSU LaSells Stewart Center Austin Auditorium 875 SW 26th St. Corvallis Youth Symphony Winter Concert [SYMPHONIC] 6 pm OSU Memorial Union Music a la Carte [CLASSICAL] 12 pm Starbucks (outside) 425 SW Madison Ave. Huayllipacha-Andes musicians [CULTURAL] 10 am-6 pm Troubadour Music Center Theresa Griffith [FLUTE VOCAL] 8 pm, $10 United Methodist Church Community Center Jackson Ave. & 12th St. Musical Holiday Bazaar [HOLIDAY] 4 pm

Lebanon

Merlin's Bar & Grill Hip Pocket [ROCK] 9 pm

eat/drink

Corvallis

Papa's Pizza Parlor 1030 SW Third St. Boys & Girls Club of Corvallis dine-out fundraiser, 11 am-midnight, Papa's donate 50% of profits to The Clubhouse First Alternative Co-Op South 1007 S.E. 3rd St. Wine Tasting 5-7 pm WineStyles 2333 NW Kings Blvd. Friday Night Flights 5-8 pm Corvallis Cloud 9 Friday, 10pm

Violet Isle, The Fjords, Water & Bodies, & Colin Woekel [ROCK] 12 • DECEMBER 7-DECEMBER 13,

Corvallis The Beanery on Second St. Friday, 8pm

Tommy G from the 509 [ACOUSTIC]

Contributed Photo

2010

THE ALCHEMIST

Philomath

Marys River Grange Hall 24707 Grange Hall Rd. Terra Madre Day Celebration & Local Food Fair [A sustainability event] 4-8 pm

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bump

CRO S SWORD Inkwell Crosswords by Ben Tausig

Just Teasing

Future Roots

[FOLK REGGAE]

Contributed Photo

live music

11

saturday

Albany

Calapooia Brewing Future Roots [FOLK REGGAE] 8 pm

Corvallis

Bombs Away Café Amigos, Bebidas y Muscia [ACOUSTIC] 7:30 pm, FREE Cloud 9 Space Neighbors [FUNK] 10 pm FireWorks Coin of the Realm Orchestra [UKRAINIAN FOLK] 8 pm First United Methodist Church 1165 NW Monroe Heart of the Valley Children's Choir: Holiday Concerts [HOLIDAY] 1:30 pm, $5-$8 Indie Energy House Concerts 2120 NW Lewisburg Ave Eric Brace and Peter Cooper [ALT COUNTRY FOLK] 7 pm, $10 Starbucks (outside) 425 SW Madison Ave. Huayllipacha-Andes musicians [CULTURAL] 10 am-6 pm

Lebanon

Lebanon Coffeehouse & Eatery 661 Main Street Live Music 6:30pm Merlin's Bar & Grill Hip Pocket [ROCK] 9 pm

dance

eat/drink

Corvallis

WineStyles Wine Tasting featuring Klickitat Canyon Winery 4 pm, $5

Lebanon

Lebanon Coffeehouse & Eatery 661 Main Street Saturday Breakfast & Brunch (Mimosa's) 9 am – 2 pm

Benton County Public Library 645 NW Monroe Ave. Friends of the Library Holiday Book Sale 10 am-4 pm

12

First United Methodist Church 1165 NW Monroe Heart of the Valley Children's Choir: Craft Bazaar 12:30-4 pm

Novak’s Hungarian Restaurant 2306 Heritage Way SE Strings of Time [MELODIC JAZZ] 6:00 pm, FREE

Lebanon

sing

Merlin’s Bar & Grill Karaoke Nightly

Corvallis

shop

eclectic

Corvallis

Riley’s Billiards Bar and Grill Ladies Night with DJ Unofficial 9 pm

Corvallis Waldorf School 3855 NE Hwy 20 Winter Light Festival [OPEN HOUSE] 10 am-4 pm

Corvallis

Lebanon

Albany

Oddfellows Hall 223 SW Second St. Planet Boogie, freestyle dance 7:30 pm, $5-$10 donation

Lebanon Coffeehouse & Eatery 661 Main Street Saturday Afternoon Free Movie [SEE] 2pm – 4pm

sunday

69. Old school gaming platform, for short 70. Supplement Down 1. Noted musical birth of 1685 2. Source of furniture you’ll throw out in three years 3. *The sun, essentially 4. Kandinsky contemporary Jean 5. So-so, so to speak 6. Palindromic kitchen gadget brand 7. Diving eagle 8. Spelling or quilting contest 9. Nuclear agcy. till 1975 10. Old English letter still used in Icelandic 11. *It’ll make you a man 12. Plus-sized model who hosted “More to Love” 13. Big name in pressure relief 18. Bandmate of John and Nico in the Velvet Underground 19. Common batteries 23. “Somewhere” director Coppola 24. Site of childhood bliss 25. *Certain garment replacement 26. *Joint surgery compounds 27. Subject of much of Jay-Z’s “Decoded” 28. Grain with pollo or huitlacoche 29. Alpo alternative 30. Tool for forcing one’s way through a crowd 34. Vowel sequence in a kid’s song 35. Webster’s listing 49. Deadly 2003 hurricane 51. Declaration of arrival 52. “Definitely” 54. Message board annoyance 55. Black-clad assassin 56. RR stops 57. Dreaded thing when you didn’t do the reading 58. Strongly encourage 59. Former French colony in central Africa

Albany

Calapooia Brewing Blues Jam 4:00 pm

Corvallis

FireWorks The Infallible Collective [JAZZ] 8 pm Starbucks (outside) 425 SW Madison Ave. Huayllipacha-Andes musicians [CULTURAL] 10 am-6 pm

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Difficulty: Medium

3

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eclectic

Corvallis

Corvallis

dance

Corvallis Boys & Girls Club 11122 NW Circle Blvd. Beginning/Intermediate Swing dance class 7-9 pm, $45

Corvallis

shop

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Corvallis Cloud 9 Saturday, 10pm

Contributed Photo

Old World Deli Arena 341 SW Second St. The HOUR Traders Winter Celebration: Local Goods & Gifts, Music, Silent Auction [A sustainability event] 11 am-5 pm

Lebanon

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www.sudoku-puzzles.net

Enoteca Wine Bar Book Group [READ] 7 pm

live music

Merlin’s Bar & Grill Blues/Rock Jam 7 pm

SUDOKU

monday

Albany Calapooia Brewing Saturday, 8pm

Across 1. Item often caked in baby food 4. They’re often under the microscope 11. “Ain’t Too Proud to ___” 4. Working name letters 15. *”At the Movies” critic 16. Org. for GPs 17. *Dangling accessories popular with Japanese girls 20. Best-selling video game franchise since 2001 21. Card that’s often green, for short 22. Unseats 26. Luca of “The Godfather” 29. Playboy Mansion nickname 31. “Nice!” 32. Stick used in a stroke 33. Letter that, as it appears in the middle of this grid, can precede the first words of the starred entries 36. Melmac native 37. Corkboard posting letters 38. Network for Terry Gross 39. Red wine choice, briefly 40. The Rangers’ Nelson Cruz earned the last one of 2010 41. Nation with controversial settlements: Abbr. 42. Fashion category with a lot of black 43. One home from the theater? 44. The Raptors, on the scoreboard 45. Lawyer: Abbr. 46. Colloquial conjunction 47. You inspire it 48. Cologne couple 50. Village Voice awards since 1956 52. Chips ___! 53. Playing chords, say 56. *Solve an apparently impossible problem, as it were 62. Sports car engine option 63. First card below the faces 64. Radar O’Reilly’s drinks 65. Radiohead producer Godrich 66. Table scrap 67. Casual pair 68. Former Cleveland Orchestra director George

Space Neighbors

13

[FUNK]

live music

Corvallis

FireWorks Southtown Open Mic Talent Search 8 pm

To be considered for a calendar listings, notice of events must be received in writing by noon on Tuesday, two weeks before publication. Send listings to editor@thealchemistweekly.com. If you want photo consideration please include a photo with correct attribution.

DECEMBER 7-DECEMBER 13, 2010

13


verdict

alchemist pick The Santaland Diaries & Season's Greetings @ Majestic Theater

Bookworm

In Dubious Battle (1936) by Michael Thomas For me, In Dubious Battle (1936), is the first of John Steinbeck’s truly exemplary works. Seventy five years after its publication, it is not only a seminal American novel, but it is also a consummate model for ‘protest literature.’ His following works, Of Mice and Men (1937) and the Grapes of Wrath (1939), tend to merit more academic interest, but In Dubious Battle instills in its reader a sense of rage where Steinbeck’s other books inculcates courage and determination. The story follows Mac and Jim Nolan, two representatives of the Communist party, who are trying to unionize a crowd of fruit workers striking because of a pay cut. Jim Nolan is young, inexperienced, recently indoctrinated into the cause, and as such, is the perfect Instead of having a political agenda, it opposite to Mac’s veteran has a human one: equal treatment re“party” man. As the workgardless of class.. ers unite in protestation, the Fruitgrower’s association, using vigilante squads, tries to disband the strikers by force. Both the anger congeals, but there is nowhere sides commit criminal acts, but it plays to displace that fury. to Steinbeck’s ability as a writer that we Steinbeck’s book is also significant in are able to see beyond the guise of liberal its close when contrasted to his other union organizers and conservative farm works. In all of his mentionable output, owners to recognize this struggle as part no book ends as abruptly as In Dubious of a contumely, without political incepBattle. It cuts off sharply, coldly, when the tion. What we are seeing is only part of ferocity of the narrative is at a full pitch. an unending conflict between the wealthy Anyone familiar with the author’s work and the impoverished. can attest to the clarity of his book’s conIt could have been so easy for In Dubious clusions, however bleak, pages before they Battle to become a ‘message’ book, had it happen. There is light on the path, somebeen written by a lesser author. Instead of thing to see by—whether you want to or having a political agenda, it has a human not. Here, there is no telling. Not for the one: equal treatment regardless of class. idealistic and quietly powerful Nolan, nor Also, by setting the story primarily in an for his boss, Mac. Not for the workers, apple orchard, Steinbeck further connects the authorities, or humanity at large. This his narrative with the earliest mythology speaks to the power of the book. Its teeth concerning human conflict. The orchard are bared; its truth is wounding. becomes a kind of Eden where mankind Also from Steinbeck, I recommend: is torn asunder in battle over the very crop Of Mice and Men (1937), the Grapes of that he is producing. Distinctly, In DubiWrath (1939), Cannery Row (1945), and ous Battle never lets up. The blood boils, East of Eden (1952).

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DECEMBER 7-DECEMBER 13, 2010

The Christmas season is synonymous with comedy in my family. We have our tradition of watching movies like A Christmas Story, Christmas Vacation, and Elf, while my brother and I joke about why we’d rather celebrate Festivus (a Seinfeld reference) than Christmas. This year there’s a new activity to add to our need for holiday laughs. Of course, I’m talking about the two upcoming Christmas themed performances written by the hilarious humorist/author David Sedaris that will be performed this weekend, December 10-12 at the Majestic Theater in downtown Corvallis. According to Tyler Hansen of the Gazette-Times, The Santaland Diaries is an 80-minute monologue that follows Sedaris’ own personal account of working as an elf at Macy’s during the turbulent holiday season. The second play, Season’s Greetings is also a monologue about a peppy housewife whose favorite Christmas traditions are ruined one after another. If you haven’t heard these, be prepared to laugh yourself sick. If you have heard them, you will find them just as funny as ever. These are Christmas stories that could only come from such a weird and wonderful humorist. Proceeds from the shows will benefit the Heartland Humane Society. The plays are intended for adult audiences only, so please don’t plan on bringing your little ones. For more information about these performances or to purchase tickets visit majestic.org. -Patrick Fancher

THE ALCHEMIST

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The Alchemist

Ast rologer Albany

Albany Civic Theater

111 First Ave. SW 541.928.4603

Alleyoop Lounge

901 Pacific Blvd 541.941.0977

Corvallis

Aqua Seafood Restaurant & Bar 151 NW Monroe Ave. 541.752.0262

Bogey’s Bar & Grill

The Beanery on 2nd

Calapooia Brewing

Big River Restaurant & Bar

129 W 1st Ave. 541.929.8900 140 Hill St. NE 541.928.1931

Cappie’s Brewhouse

211 1st Ave W 541.926.1710

Cascade Grill

110 Opal St. NW 541.926.3388

Chasers Bar & Grill

500 SW 2nd St 541.753.7442 101 NW Jackson Ave. 541.757.0694

Block 15

300 SW Jefferson Ave. 541.758.2077

Bombs Away Café

435 SE 2nd Ave 541928.9634

2527 NW Monroe Ave. 541.757.7221

Dixie Creek Saloon

China Delight Restaurant

32994 Hwy 99E, Tangent, OR 541.926.2767

Favorite Mistake Sports Bar 5420 Pacific Blvd. 541.903.0034

325 NW 2nd St. 541.753.3753

Clodfelter’s

1501 NW Monroe Ave. 541.758.4452

Cloud 9

126 SW 1st St. 541.753.9900

Front Street Bar

2300 Northeast Front Ave. 541.926.2739

GameTime Sports Bar & Grill

Crowbar

214 SW 2nd St. 541.753.7373

136 SW Washington Ave. 541.758.9095

JP’s Restaurant & Lounge

Fireworks Restaurant & Bar

220 2nd Ave. 541.926.5546

1115 SE 3rd 541.754.6958

Lariat Lounge

Flat Tail Pub

Linger Longer Tavern

Greenberry Store & Tavern

Lucky Larrys Lounge

Harrison Bar & Grill

202 SW 1st St. 541.758.2219

1296 S Commercial Way SE 541.928.3654

Riley’s Billiards Bar & Grill Wilhelm’s Spirits & Eatery 1520 Pacific Blvd SE 541.926.7001

A

Peacock Bar & Grill

125 SW 2nd St. 541.754.8522

Squirrel’s

100 SW 2nd St. 541.753.8057

Sunnyside Up Café

116 NW 3rd St 541.758.3353

Suds & Suds

1045 NW Kings Blvd. 541.758.5200

Troubadour

521 SW 2nd St. 541.752.7720

140 NW 3rd St.

WineStyles

2333 N.W. Kings Blvd. 541.738.9463

Lebanon

Duffy’s Irish Pub

136 SW Washington Ave, Ste. 102 - 541.753.2222 FREE WEEKLY

134 SW 4th St. 541.753.4171

Snow days are for adults too. Hole yourself up with that bottle of good whiskey – it’s like a liquid jacket.

LEO

679 South Main St. 541.259.2906

Fire Pit Lounge

2230 South Santiam Hwy 541.451.2010

GameTime Sports Bar & Grill

VIRGO

( July 23 – August 21)

Everyone on the naughty side of your holiday wish list deserves some Justin Bieber. Buy in bulk

What’s a few extra pounds this holiday season? Consider it insulation against the rising cost of heating oil.

LIBRA

SCORPIO

SAGITTARIUS

Dirty Santa, Yankee Swap, whatever you want to call it – it sucks when you’re the one who ends up with the Bela Fleck tapes.

Holiday parties are the perfect time to start a new diet. Just consider it as a way to get drunk faster.

(September 24 – October 23) ‘Tis the season to wear hideously ugly sweaters ironically (or not).

(October 24 – November 22)

(August 22 – September 23) You like to give to charities in people’s names for gifts. Luckily, that makes you more popular than people who give generic gift baskets with names like “Tea for Two” or “Lazy Sunday”.

(November 23 – December 22)

CAPRICORN

AQUARIUS ( January 21 – February 19)

(February 20 – March 20)

There are innumerable ways to cook with instant potatoes. And none of them are good.

Brush up on some topical issues of 2010 to discuss at company holiday gatherings and awkward cocktail parties. These might include the symbolism of Lady Gaga’s latest video or the composition of the Double Rainbow video.

The greatest pleasures are not material. But telling that to your kids will get you nowhere.

(December 23 – January 20)

3130 South Santiam Hwy 541.570.1537

Merlin’s Bar & Grill

PISCES

541.258.6205

Sports Shack & Deli

Loca Luna

Holiday season! The perfect time to plan an extended vacation away from your family.

( June 22 – July 22)

2250 South Main Rd. 541.451.3900

180 S 5th St. 541.847.6262

GEMINI

(May 22 – June 21)

Wanted Saloon

Impulse

126 SW 4th St. 541.207.3593

CANCER

TAURUS

(April 21 – May 21)

26335 Greenberry Rd. 541.753.8754

Peacock Bar & Grill East

La Bamba Mix Night Club

(March 21 – April 20) You pride yourself on your good timing – for example, knowing when to offer help to people just as they are finishing up.

Tyee Wine Cellars

550 NW Harrison Blvd. 541.754.1017

LC H E M I S T Luc OF THE WILLAMETTE VALLEY

albanylcorvallisllebanonlphilomath

THE

29974 HWY 99W 541.752.3796

1425 NW Monroe Ave. 541.230.1114

124 Broadalbin St SW 541.926.2838

ARIES

Cornerstone Café & Pub

916 Old Salem Rd NE 541.926.3111

145 SW Main St. 541.926.2174

1030 S.W. Third St. 541.757.2727

Downward Dog

Enoteca Wine Bar

901 Pacific Blvd SE 541.928.2606

Papa’s Pizza

Artisian’s Well Lounge

130 SW 1st St. 541.753.9900

Humpty’s Dump Bar & Grill

2740 SW 3rd St. 541.738. 7600

Darrell’s Restaurant & Lounge

2200 NW 9th St. 541.752.6364

2211 Waverly Dr. SE 541.981.2376

Blame the stars, not yourself

Murphy’s Tavern

76 E. Sherman St. 541.451.2027 1250 Grant St. 541.259.0800

Philomath

High 5 Sports Bar & Grill 1644 Main St.-541.929.7529

Meet’n Place Tavern

1150 Mian St. 541.929.3130

Wine Vault

1301 Main St. 541.929.8496

Wing Sing Restaurant & Lounge

TELL US ALL ABOUT IT! The good, the bad, the ugly. WE WANT TO TELL YOUR STORY.

658 Main St. 541.929.6255

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DECEMBER 7-DECEMBER 13, 2010

15


ballot

2010 Alchemist Awards Official Ballot

Thank you for finding our Reader's Choice Ballot. The nominees were selected by you and narrowed down by us. In most cases, all nominees were selected by a minimum of two different Readers. We're sorry if your choice isn't available. It's not a perfect a system. It was done this way in an effort to not let the process get to big to keep track. Stuffing the ballot is frowned upon. It would better serve you to try to convince as many people as you can to vote for you since you willl be promoting yourself along the way. That and we have a complicated algorithm being utilized to detect overzealous self-voters. Thank you in advance for taking the time to interact with The Alchemist. Voting will be open until the end of 2010. Award winners will be made public on January 11th to coincide with our 3 year anniversary parties. HOT DOG Your favorite hot dog (what/where) DEMOGRAPHICS WHITE WINE Your favorite local white wine (what/where) * Bratwurst - Pepper Tree Sausage House (Albany) How old are you? In years. * Gewurtzraminer - Lumos (McMinnville) * Big Dog - Brew Station * 0-17 * Gewurtzraminer - Tyee (Corvallis) * Chicago Dog - Streets Dogs * 18-24 * Pinot Gris - Belle Vallee (Corvallis) * Jersey Dog - Willie's Hot Dog Stand * 25-30 * Pinot Gris - Spindrift (Philomath) * 31-40 BREAKFAST Your favorite breakfast (what/where) * 41-50 COCKTAIL Your favorite mixed liquor drink * 2+2+2 - Peacock Bar and Grill * 51-60 * Kaffir No Evil - Aqua * Eggs Benedict - Magenta * 61+ * Lotus Blossum - Downward Dog * The Farmer's - Sharon's Cafe * Skip * Luminescence Sour - del Alma * Spanish Omelet - Tommy's 4th St * The Matador - 101 What's your sex? It's a question of biology. PIZZA Your favorite pizza (what/where) * Male MOCKTAIL Your favorite mixed non-alcoholic drink * American Dream * Female * Arnold Palmer - Anywhere * Cirello's * Skip * Frutta della Valle - Downward Dog * Fireworks * Mocktail isn't a real word and therefore doesn't exist as a drink. * Woodstock's What's your income (per year)? Don't worry. It's not a deal breaker. * Shirley Temple - Everywhere * 0 - $20,000 VEGETARIAN Your favorite vegetarian dish (what/where) * $20,000 - $50,000 COFFEE DRINK Your favorite coffee drink (what/where) * Malai Kafta - Evergreen * $50-000 - $70,000 * Black Hole - Red Horse * Nearly Nasty - Nearly Normal's * $70,000 - $100,000 * Cold Day in Barcelona - Downward Dog * Original Bowl - Cafe Yumm * $100,000+ * Dirty Chai - Sunnyside Up * Spanikopita - New Morning Bakery * Skip * White Mocha - Purple Moon BAKED GOOD Your favorite baked good (what/where) Where do you live? Not that I'm ready to move in together. We just met. DRANK THERE I want to go to there. * Cinnamon Roll - New Morning Bakery * Albany * Croissant - Le Patissier * Corvallis BEER BAR Your favorite place to drink a beer. * Danish - Oregon Coffee and Tea * Lebanon * Block 15 * Walnut Brownies - Blue Monkey Bakery (formerly Living Earth Bakery) * Philomath * Bombs Away Cafe * Other: * Peacock Bar and Grill SUSHI Your favorite raw fish (what/where) * Squirrel's Tavern * Maguro - Aomatsu Are you available? I mean, if you think I'm attractive enough. * Shogun Roll - Shogun Bowl * Single WINE BAR Your favorite place to drink wine. * Spicy Tuna - Tokyo Steakhouse * In a relationship * Cloud 9 * Tuna Roll - The Riverfront * Married * Enoteca * Divorced * Luc ATE THERE It's where you go to have someone else cook for you. * Skip * Squirrel's MEXICAN Your favorite place for Mexican cuisine Do you have kids? I like kids. LIQUOR BAR Your favorite place to drink hard alcohol. * Bombs Away Cafe * No * Aqua * El Sol De Mexico * Yes. I have one. * Bombs Away Cafe * La Conga * Yes. I have two. * Crowbar * La Rockita * Yes. I have three. * Downward Dog * Yes. I have a bowling team. (4) PACIFIC/ASIAN Your favorite place for Pacific/Asian cuisine * Yes. I have a basketball team. (5) COFFEE SHOP Your favorite place to drink coffee. * Aqua * Skip * The Beanery * Evergreen * Brew Station * Local Boyz Do you want kids? If things go really well, that is. * Interzone * Magenta * No * Red Horse Coffee Company * Yes. I intend for my DNA to replicate. AMERICAN Your favorite place for American cuisine (note: * Skip ATE IT Mmmmmmm......nom nom nom. Mexican is also technically American, but you know what we mean) * Block 15 DRANK IT You imbibe. I imbibe. We all imbibe inducing diatribe. ENTRテ右 Your favorite main dish (what/where) * Flat Tail Brewery * Chicken Fettuccine - Terzo * Luc BREWERY Your local favorite brewery * Chicken Marsala - Evergreen * Murphy's Tavern * Block 15 * Nearly Nasty - Nearly Normal's * Calapooia Brewing (Albany) * Steak - Luc CHINESE Your favorite place for Chinese cuisine * Flat Tail Brewery * China Blue * Oregon Trail BURGER Your favorite burger (what/where) * China Delight * BBQ Burger - Block 15 * King Tin MICROBREW Your favorite local craft beer (what/where) * Luc Burger - Luc * Queen's Chopsticks * Alpha IPA - Block 15 * Onionater - First Burger (Albany) * River Dog ESB - Calapooia Brewing (Albany) * Squirrel Burger - Squirrel's Tavern MEDITERRANEAN Your favorite place for Mediterranean, i.e. Greek, * Total Domination - Ninkasi Brewing (Eugene) Italian, etc. * Wit - Oregon Trail SANDWICH Your favorite sandwich (what/where) * Al Jabal * Chicken Sandwich - Vietnamese Baguette * Crystal's Cafe DOMESTIC Your favorite domestic beer * Might Meat(less) - Old World Deli * Iovino's * Budweiser * Natalia - Natalia & Cristoforo's * Terzo * Coors * Pulled Pork - Murphy's * Olympia SUSHI Your favorite place for Sushi * Pabst Blue Ribbon APPETIZER Your favorite appetizer (what/where) * Aomatsu * Bomber Nacho - Bombs Away Cafe * Riverfront BEER NAME Your favorite craft beer name (what/where) * Buffalo Wings - Flat Tail Brewery * Shogun Bowl * Aboriginale - Block 15 * Dim Sum - Magenta * Tokyo Steakhouse * Bucktooth Beer * Magic Mushrooms - Block 15 * Ill Tempered Gnome - Oakshire Brewing (Eugene) THAI Your favorite place for Thai * Kringle Krack - Calapooia Brewing (Albany) SIDE DISH Your favorite side dish...it goes next to the main dish * Lemongrass Noodle House (what/where) * Tarn Tip WINERY Your favorite local winery * Beer Battered Fries - Block 15 * Thai Chili * Airlie (Monmouth) * Mashed Potatoes - Murphy's * The Woodsman (Philomath) * Lumos (McMinnville) * Pot Stickers - China Delight * Spindrift (Philomath) * Sweet Potato Fries - Vault 244 (Albany) VEGETARIAN Your favorite place for Vegetarian * Tyee (Corvallis) * Cafe Yumm DESSERT Your favorite dessert (what/where) * Evergreen RED WINE Your favorite local red wine (what/where) * Creme Brulee - Aqua * Interzone * Pinot Noir - Bethel Heights (Salem) * Four Layer Cake - Big River * Nearly Normal's * Pinot Noir - Erath (Dundee) * Gelato - Francesco's * Pinot Noir - Lumos (McMinnville) * Lemon Lime Tart - Luc * Pinot Noir - Tyee (Corvallis)

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DECEMBER 7-DECEMBER 13, 2010

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THE ALCHEMIST

窶「

WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM

QUICK FOO * First Alte * Ital Kitch * N'Reene * Willie's H

BAKERY Y * Blue Mo * Great Ha * Le Patiss * New Mo

HEARD IT T

BAND Y * The Ang * Arcweld * Ambush * audioph * Barry Wa * Gumbo * pseudob * Sar Shal * Space N * Target fo * Richard * Xenat-ra * Walk the * Sumbitc

ELECTRIC BA * The Ang * audioph * Ambush * Barry Wa * Kaddy W * Lost Tort * Orquest * Project 4 * pseudob * Sar Shal * Space N * Target fo * Tirade * Vicious K * Walk the * Xenat-ra

ACOUSTIC B * James a * Jenna Su * Gumbo * The Cres * Wild Hog * Sumbitc

ELECTRIC GU * Conner O * Curtis M * Eric Rollo * Joel Dun * Justin G * Justin G * Linden W * Luke Tho * Mark Fra * Rawley G * Sam Kin

ACOUSTIC G * Curtis M * Hans Ra * Adam Sc * Matt Jag * Melanie * Mike Mc * Santino * Sid Rose

BASSIST Y * Aaron W * Charlie C * Dan Sco * Dave Tre * Joel Gus * John Na * Page Hu * Paul Kin * Robb Va * Ryan Lu


ballot

hoice isn't you can to The QUICK FOOD Your favorite place for not slow food * First Alternative Co-Op * Ital Kitchen (cart) * N'Reeners (cart) * Willie's Hot Dog Stand

e)

BAKERY Your favorite place for baked goods * Blue Monkey Bakery (formerly Living Earth) * Great Harvest * Le Patissier * New Morning Bakery HEARD IT Turn it up. Huh? TURN IT UP! BAND Your favorite local band * The Angries * Arcweld * Ambush Party * audiophilia * Barry Walker and the Tanks * Gumbo * pseudoboss * Sar Shalom * Space Neighbors * Target for Tomorrow * Richard Hedders * Xenat-ra * Walk the Plank * Sumbitch

h Bakery) ELECTRIC BAND Your favorite local band that utilizes electricity * The Angries * audiophilia * Ambush Party * Barry Walker and the Tanks * Kaddy Wampus * Lost Tortoise * Orquesta Monte Calvo for you. * Project 431 * pseudoboss * Sar Shalom * Space Neighbors * Target for Tomorrow * Tirade * Vicious Kisses * Walk the Plank e * Xenat-ra

note: ean)

Greek,

ACOUSTIC BAND Your favorite local band that powers itself * James and Julz * Jenna Summer Smith Band * Gumbo * The Crescendo Show * Wild Hog in the Woods * Sumbitch ELECTRIC GUITARIST Your favorite local electric guitarist * Conner O'Shea * Curtis Monette * Eric Rollofson * Joel Dunmoyer * Justin Groft * Justin Gibson * Linden Wood * Luke Thomas * Mark France * Rawley Green * Sam Kincaid ACOUSTIC GUITARIST Your favorite local acoustic guitarist * Curtis Monette * Hans Randklev * Adam Scramstad * Matt Jager * Melanie Reid * Mike McLaren * Santino Cadiz * Sid Rosen BASSIST Your favorite local bass guitarist * Aaron Wooten * Charlie Curtis * Dan Scollard * Dave Trenkel * Joel Gustafson * John Navarro * Page Hundermer * Paul Kincaid * Robb Vancil * Ryan Lund * Travis Witmer

FREE WI-FI Your favorite place for the internets * The Beanery on 2nd * Brew Station * Interzone * Red Horse Coffee Company * Starbucks * Sunnyside Up Cafe

KEYBOARDIST Your favorite local keyboard player * Dave Trenkel * Ed Propst * Cameron Denning * Jason Yaich * Michael Thomas * Orin Clark * Sara Delander

HIKING TRAIL Where you go to stretch your legs * Bald Hill * Bars to Home * Chip Ross Park * Dan's Trail * MacDonald Forest * Mary's Peak * Peavey Arboretum

DRUMMER Your favorite local drummer * Brad Burnheimer * Brian Bucolo * Ben Nelson * Charley McGowan * Chris Harver * Dave Storrs * JD Monroe * Jon Musch * Marcus Looze * Mike Thomas * Randy Knight * Rigel Woodside * Rob Smith

TO PROCRA * Downto * Faceboo * Interzon * Red Hor * Squirrel

TO STUDY A * Border's * Corvalli * Interzon * Valley L

NON-PROFIT Your favorite local non-profit * Benton County Skateboard Alliance * Cat's Meow * Center Against Rape and Domestic Violence * Corvallis Environmental Center * Habitat for Humanity * Heartland Humane Society * Jackson Street Youth Shelter * Whiteside Theater Foundation PLACE TO TAKE YOUR KIDS * Avery Park * Benton County Library * Central Park * Papa's Pizza * Wacky Bounce

HORNIST Your favorite local horn player * Ed Propst * Matt Calkins * Brian Fitzsimmons * Michael Bode * Orin Clark * Peter Wa I've been there before and I’ll go again.

ART GALLERY Your favorite art gallery * The Arts Center * BAC Room at Bombs Away Cafe * Fairbanks Gallery - OSU * Interzone * Pegasus CREATIVE OUTLET Your favorite place to get, get, get creative * Benton Center Ceramics Studio * Chalkboard Tables at Block 15 * OSU Craft Center * Pottery Place * Skatepark FESTIVAL Your favorite local festival * Corvallis Fall Festival * daVinci Days * May Day Festival * OSU Battle of the Bands/Flat Tail Festival * Red, White, and Blue Festival * Septembeer Fest

THE ALCHEMIST

TO HIDE DU students * Albany * Crowba * Downto * Jackson * Newpor * Southto * Squirrel * Suds an

MUSIC VENUE Your favorite local music venue * Block 15 * Bombs Away Cafe * Calapooia Brewing (Albany) * Cloud 9 * Fireworks * Interzone * Peacock Bar and Grill * Squirrel's Tavern * Troubadour

TURNTABLIST Your favorite local vinyl master * Chris Churilla * Dave Clark * Chi Duly - Chris Dudley * Dr. Ellis * Turntable Enabler - JD Monroe * Travesty - Travis Adams

TO BREAK U over again? * Her hou * In publi * Riverfro * Via text

MOVIE THEATRE Your favorite local screen * Carmike Cinema * Darkside Cinema * Pix Theater (Albany) * Whiteside Theater

SONGWRITER Your favorite local songwriter * Barry Walker, Jr. * Brady Greig * Callan Sullivan * Cassandra Robertson * Jenna Summer Smith * Matt Jager * Mike McLaren * Nick Harper * Santino Cadiz

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TO MAKE O * Alleywa * Backsea * Mary's P * My room

LOCAL PARK Your favorite local park * Avery Park * Bryant Park (Albany) * Central Park * Chip Ross Park * Riverfront Park * Starker Arts Park * Wildcat Park * Willamette Park

VOCALIST Your favorite local singer * Ben Metzger * Aaron Broussard * Bert Schoenfield * Brady Greig * Caitlin Garets * Cassandra Robertson * Jenna Summer Smith * Kailana Francis Baldwin * Mark Cleaver * Mike McLaren * Nick Harper * Noah Stroup * Santino Cadiz

WAS THERE

FOR A FIRS * Aqua * Block 15 * Carmike * Darksid * Luc * Magent * Riverfro * Vault 24

ANTIQUES * Antique * Beekma * Bucking Your favorite local hang out for your kids * OSU Th

AUTO SERV * D&B Be * G&J Aut * Gary's A * John an * Ken's Ca

SPIRITUAL OUTLET Your favorite place to nurture your spirit * Bald Hill * Bar Stool * Doxology * Finley Wildlife Refuge * Mary's Peak * Unitarian Universalist Church

NEW AUTO * John an * Power A * Univers * Wilson M

TO BRAINSTORM Your favorite place to find inspirato * Bald Hill * Benton County Library * Confluence of Mary's and Willamette River * Red Horse Coffee Company * Riverfront Park * Shower * Squirrel's

USED AUTO * Craigsli * John an * G&J Aut

BIKES * Bike 'n H * Corvalli * Cycloto * Peak Sp

TO GET PICKED UP Your favorite place to get picked up * Bombs Away Cafe * By the feet * Driving out of downtown after 10:00 pm * Peacock Bar and Grill * Work TO PICK SOMEONE UP * Bombs Away Cafe * By the ears * Library * Peacock Bar and Grill * Work

BOUGHT IT

Your favorite place to pick someone up

DECEMBER 7-DECEMBER 13, 2010

BOOKS F * Book Bi * Borders * Browse * Grass Ro

COFFEE RO * Allann B * Oregon * Pacifica

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ballot FOR A FIRST DATE Your favorite place for a first date * Aqua * Block 15 * Carmike Cinema * Darkside Cinema * Luc * Magenta * Riverfront Park * Vault 244 (Albany) TO MAKE OUT Where do you go for a steamy lip lock? * Alleyway * Backseat of a car * Mary's Peak * My room TO BREAK UP over again? * Her house * In public * Riverfront Park * Via text message

Your favorite escape from the

TO PROCRASTINATE You should probably fill this one out later * Downtown * Facebook * Interzone * Red Horse Coffee * Squirrel's TO STUDY And likely dabble in the art of procrastination * Border's * Corvallis-Benton County Library * Interzone * Valley Library Where you go for the goods

ANTIQUES Your favorite spot for treasure hunting * Antique Mall (Albany) * Beekman's Place * Buckingham Palace * OSU Thrift Store

AUTO SERVICE Who does the best fix-it * D&B Bear Service * G&J Auto * Gary's Automotive your kids * John and Phil's * Ken's Care Care

eone up

NEW AUTO Your favorite spot to lease or buy a new one * John and Phil's * Power Auto * University Honda * Wilson Motors USED AUTO * Craigslist * John and Phil's * G&J Auto

Your favorite spot to lease or buy a used one

BIKES Favorite shop for bikes * Bike 'n Hike * Corvallis Cyclery * Cyclotopia * Peak Sports BOOKS Favorite shop for books * Book Bin * Borders * Browser's Books * Grass Roots Books COFFEE ROASTER Who roasts your beans best? * Allann Brothers * Oregon Coffee and Tea * Pacifica * Zaidalia Roasting (Philomath) FLOWERS For your first date * Bill's Flower Tree (Albany) * Expressions in Bloom * Farmer's Market * Penguin Flowers

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TANNING SALON If the sun won't come out, you'll have to fake it * Electric Beach * Personal Summer * Tan Republic * Sunsations

GLASS For tobacco products, of course * Bad Habits * High Tide (Albany) * Pipeline (Albany) * Tony's Smoke Shop * Uprise

TATTOOS/PIERCINGS Your favorite place to get scarred for life * Downtown Tattoo and Piercing (Albany) * High Priestess * Permagrafix (Albany) * Sacred Art

GROCERIES 7-11 and Dari Mart are not grocery stores * First Alternative Co-Op * Market of Choice Where do you go to free yourself to do all the above * Trader Joe's * WinCo

TO HIDE DURING THE SCHOOL YEAR students * Albany * Crowbar * Downtown Corvallis * Jackson Frazier Wetlands * Newport, OR * Southtown Corvallis * Squirrel's * Suds and Suds

BOUGHT IT THERE

FURNITURE In case you need a place to sit or sleep * The Arc Store * Blackledge Furniture * Goodwill * Inkwell Home Store

HARDWARE * Home Depot * Robnett's * Spaeth Lumber

Get your build on!

BEER Your favorite beer store * First Alternative Co-Op * Corvallis Brewing Supply * Market of Choice * University Market (The Orange Store)

HOME DÉCOR Feng shui, more like fun shui! * Beekman's Place * Goodwill * Inkwell * Mod Pod HAIR SALON * Aspire * Bella Capelli * The Rage * The Retreat

Favorite place to cut that growth from your head

KNOW THEM They are your peeps. You need them.

WOMEN'S CLOTHES Where do you ladies start the shopping spree? * Cosmic Chameleon * Second Glance * Sibling Revelry * Urban Laundry NEW CLOTHING Because you can't buy used socks, usually * gk1 (Albany) * Golden Crane * Ross Dress for Less * TJ Maxx

SHOES Match them to your shirt and you're good to go * 5 Star Sports * Footwise * Miss Meers * Shoe Hutch SPA Your favorite place to be pampered * Epic Day Spa * The Retreat Day Spa * Pink Laser and Spa * Corvallis Nails and Spa MUSIC ALBUMS To buy your vinyl, CDs, cassettes, 8-tracks, etc. * Border's * Grass Roots Bookstore * Happy Trails Records * Internet MUSIC INSTRUMENTS To buy the things that will rock you * Fingerboard Extension * Gracewins Music * Magnolia's Audio and Music (Albany) * Troubadour Music NEW BUSINESS in 2010 You're happy that they're in business * Corvallis Community Acupuncture * del Alma * Flat Tail Brewery * Luc PET STORE You know, for the other kids * Animal Crackers * Animal House * Denson's Feed and Seed * Petco

THE ALCHEMIST

BARISTA Your favorite coffee pusher * Bill @ Interzone * Bob @ Interzone * John @ Red Horse Coffee * Justin @ Interzone * Kelly @ Red Horse Coffee * Kerri @ Brew Station * Meagan @ 2nd St. Beanery * Melissa @ Sunnyside Up * Rachel @ Brew Station * Robin @ Red Horse Coffee * Sam @ Purple Moon * Will @ Brew Station BARTENDER Your favorite alcohol slinger * Chris Churilla @ Snugbar * Elvis @ Harrison's Bar and Grill * Jason Braun @ Crowbar * Katy January @ Aqua * Kelly @ Terzo * Kinn Edwards @ del Alma * Mel Serry @ Crowbar * Michael Jackson @ Peacock * Nicole Garrett @ Peacock * Samantha Dolyniuk @ Bombs Away Cafe * Sarah Merritt @ Bombs Away Cafe * Sarah Shook-Monroe @ Downward Dog * Seth Waddell @ Crowbar

USED CLOTHING Because you need more than socks * Cosmic Chameleon * Goodwill * OSU Thrift Store * Second Glance

LIQUOR Your favorite wine store * Cork and Bottle Shoppe * Deb's Mixers * Downtown Liquor (Albany) * Santiam Liquor (Albany) WINE Your favorite wine store * Avalon * Corvallis Brewing Supply * Grocery Outlet * Wineopolis

MEN'S CLOTHES Sharp dressed men go here * Fred Meyer * Goodwill * Mehlaf's * OSU Thrift Store

DECEMBER 7-DECEMBER 13, 2010

WAY TO SPEND $10 Because you only have $10 left * Tuesday Pint Night at Bombs Away Cafe * Darkside Cinema * Happy Trails * Live music and a joint

CHEF Your favorite food crafter * Ian Hutchings @ Luc * Jason Biga @ Aqua * Ko Atterberry @ Cloud 9 * Micha Brittin @ Le Bistro * Michael Harver @ Bombs Away Cafe * Reno @ Peacock Bar and Grill DENTIST Your favorite toothiologist * Dr. Chris Martel * Dr. Curtis Clark * Dr. Lenore Hata * Dr. Patrick Hagerty DOCTOR Your go to when you can afford it * Leyna Jensen @ Corvallis Community Acupuncture * Dr. Norman Castillo * Dr Margaret Carr * Dr. Robert Hughes FICTION WRITER Your favorite fictionalist * Alison Ruch * Mark Donnell * Michael Thomas * Terry Pratchet

WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM

NON-FICTIO * Carol D * Jake Ten * Kathlee * Larina W * Paul Tur * Stanley

POET * Ben Me * Charles * Eric Dic * Erika Ell * Jimbo Iv * Kenny D

HAIR STYLI * Garrett * Heather * Kendra * Stan Ro

LOCAL CEL * Charley * Cloud D * Craig Ro * Ed Melv * Jacquiz * Mike Ril

MASSEUSE * Hillary H * Julie Ha * Leesa W * Maggie

PAINTER (A * Al Kapu * April Ze * Jeanine * Nick Ha * Nicole G

PAINTER (D * Jake Do * Nick Ha * Patricia * Ted McC

VISUAL ART * Al Kapu * Dan Lor * Jeremy * Laurel T * Paul Kin

GLASS BLO * Clinton * Firefly * Jordan * Randy B

PHOTOGRA * Amand * Don Po * Katy We * Jessica * Jim Car * Micha S * Todd Ku

POTTER/SC * Cynthia * Dale Do * Diana B * Keith M

PERFORMA * Eric Nep * Jani K. F * Jenna S * Serena

SHOP ANIM * Bingo @ * Cassius * Tess @ T * Tink Tin


ke it

ballot NON-FICTION WRITER * Carol Deppe * Jake Ten Pas * Kathleen Moore * Larina Warnock * Paul Turner * Stanley Tollett

Your favorite truthiologist

MENTOR Wise one you are * Jack Whipple * Mike Riley * Sujita Sklenar * Tracy Daugherty

POET Don't you know it * Ben Metzger * Charles Goodrich * Eric Dickey * Erika Ellis * Jimbo Ivy * Kenny Day HAIR STYLIST Because when it's right, it's right. * Garrett Vogler * Heather Mitchel @ The Retreat * Kendra Hines @ The Rage Salon * Stan Robinson @ Studio 355 Salon LOCAL CELEBRITY Three cheers for ........... * Charley McGowan * Cloud Davidson * Craig Robinson * Ed Melvin * Jacquizz Rodgers * Mike Riley MASSEUSE They know how to rub you the right way * Hillary Hogan * Julie Hawley - Albany Massage Center * Leesa Walters - Two Cranes * Maggie Wickham - Blue Heron Healing Arts

PAINTER (ANALOG) Art done the old-school way * Al Kapuler * April Zeller * Jeanine Sargent * Nick Harper * Nicole Garrett PAINTER (DIGITAL) * Jake Dorr * Nick Harper * Patricia Smith * Ted McClung

Art done the new-school way

VISUAL ARTIST Because you can see more than paint on canvas * Al Kapuler * Dan Loretz * Jeremy Kortlever * Laurel Thompson * Paul Kincaid GLASS BLOWER Don't put your lips on it, it's hot. * Clinton Roman * Firefly * Jordan "Sheepdawg" Lucas * Randy Bonner PHOTOGRAPHER Your favorite shooter * Amanda Long * Don Poage * Katy Weaver * Jessica Brothers * Jim Carroll * Micha Sanders * Todd Kulesza POTTER/SCULPTOR Molding the earth to his/her will * Cynthia Spencer * Dale Donovan * Diana Bazanale * Keith Moses PERFORMANCE ARTIST * Eric Nepom * Jani K. Fisher * Jenna Summer Smith * Serena Kapuler

PROFESSOR In the following essay, I will explore the futility of my opinion. * Jon Lewis @ OSU * Kathy Greaves @ OSU * Kevin Ahern @ OSU * Dr. Yun-Shik Lee @ OSU

WAITRESS/WAITER Without them, your food will never come and you'll starve * Adrienne Marler @ Luc * Erin Grimm @ Aqua * Hillary Utt @ Bombs Away Cafe/The Woodsman Tavern * Jessica Gorman @ Broken Yolk * Katherine Otten @ Luc * Loni Mandigo @ Bombs Away Cafe * Mark Rutherford @ Terzo * Sarah Shook- Monroe @ Downward Dog

The 2010 Alchemist Weekly Awards go digital. Check out our online ballot @ theachemistweekly.com OR, if you prefer the analog version printed here, please drop off your completed ballot at Happy Trails on Third St. & Monroe.

Act I: It was a dark a stormy night

Happy voting!

SHOP ANIMAL In case you need help with your purchase * Bingo @ The Shoe Hutch * Cassius Clay @ The Pottery Place * Tess @ The Book Bin * Tink Tink @ Oregon Coffee and Tea TEACHER They gonna learn you something * Colleen Works * Mark France * Tom Jensen * Scott McAleer

WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM

THE ALCHEMIST

DECEMBER 7-DECEMBER 13, 2010

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2010 High Class Mustache Bash sponsored by: Cloud 9, Mt. Bachelor, & The Alchemist Weekly


The Alchemist Weekly