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Edition 10

Freshers’ Special

* Freshers’ Special * * politics primer * top 3 restaurants * top tips + more University bosses, in a move which has shocked everyone, have offered an unconditional offer to the Master of Strathearn. According to palace insiders, Prince George is said to possess formidable intellect and is already outsmarting his uncle, Prince Harry. continued page 3

UniverCity Taxis – 07794 752 396 The best taxi service in St Andrews – www.uctt.co.uk Taxis around town + Airport shuttle to Edinburgh.


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The Albany Parker

Freshers’ Week

WELCOME TO ST ANDREWS

East Sands on a cold winter’s morning

Editor’s View

A new year, new students, a new paper. The Albany Parker is St Andrew’s only satirical print publication. We aim to entertain.

We think students aren’t that interested in boring student politics. Students are young, want excitement and The Albany Parker recognizes that. We have no political bias – we’ll print left-wing as well as rightwing articles…..as long as we think they are funny. We are the only publication in St Andrews who pays you to write for us. No one else does. If we use an article you submit, we’ll pay you £10.

01334 461 333 www.albanyparker.co.uk www.newinnstandrews.com

We’ll also pay if you help hand out copies. Just in this issue, we’ve paid out over £100. We have great freebies too. For example, twelve lucky freshers’ who live in Albany Park will receive a free lunch at The New Inn courtesy of The Albany Parker. Please take a look at our advertisers – we have some great businesses in St Andrews offering some fantastic deals. If it wasn’t for these adverts, we couldn’t afford to pay you for articles. Furthermore, we are extremely proud that every single advert is from a local business. Businesses which provide jobs for students and townsfolk alike.

editors@albanyparker.co.uk

We know we are not quite ‘there’ yet with this whole thing. But as the year goes on, we hope to expand our content: reviewing popular balls and events, covering sports and many other things. St Andrews is the best university in the world. No other university has the same academic reputation coupled with such outstanding natural beauty. Three sandy beaches. A forest river walk through town. Stunning cliffs. Coastal paths. Medieval buildings. Thank you for reading this. The boys and girls of The Albany Parker wish you the best of luck in the year ahead. If you want to get involved, please contact us.


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The Albany Parker

Freshers’ Week

Prince George To Study Geography y

continued from front page….

At the time of Prince George’s birth, bookmakers had put the University of St Andrews as the favourite to be the alma matter of the new royal. In a similar vein to when Prince William attended, the university has been swamped by parents of newly born baby girls enquiring about applications. This would explain the huge influx of young mothers with pushchairs around St Andrews, scouting the town. The Albany Parker can confirm that Dundee university students have not invaded our medieval town. Even though George is barely a month old, he has developed skills which are almost unheard of at his Vice Chancellor, Louise Richardson, discusses the £78,000 yearly tuition age. George is fond of colouring on palace walls and fees, which are needed to pay for her penguin robe, when baby George comes wishes to build on these skills. This is why he has to St Andrews in 2029. chosen to follow in his father’s footsteps and study First minister of Scotland, also an alumnus of St geography. Andrews, greeted the news with delight, “I utterly believe this is great news for Scotland and the Scottish people of Scotland” “It will give me a great personal boost when George comes to Scotland in 2029 – coming one year after losing my third independence referendum!” * In a development which will strike fear into many students, there is speculation that George’s first word was ‘Kate’. Whether he was referring to his mother or The Kate Kennedy Club is unknown.

THE NEW INN 23 St Mary Street

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The best and cheapest lunch in St Andrews

- Two Course Lunch only £5! Mon-Fri (12-3pm) Live Music: 13th and 21st September. 01334 461 333 www.newinnstandrews.com

‘Take that England!’….Alex Salmond celebrates George coming to St Andrews.


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The Albany Parker

Freshers’ Week

FRESHER DOES NOT KNOW WHO KATE MIDDLETON IS In a shocking revelation, an incoming St. Andrews student – recently accepted into the class of 2017 – revealed that she did not know who Kate Middleton is. Tracy Mayes, 18, confessed to The Albany Parker that she honestly had no idea who this woman was. “When I first told my teacher I was coming to St. Andrews,” she intimated over a small cappuccino at the North Point Café, “she kept talking about this Kate woman, going on and on about her and her sister, Pippi. I was like, Pippi Longstocking? Isn’t that a fictional character, or something?” Mayes, originally from Windsor, said that she chose to come to St. Andrews for its nationally renowned School of Art History, and that she legitimately had not heard of Middleton’s or Prince William’s attendance here before enrolling onto the school’s prerequisite module, Prince William: a study into advanced artistic techniques to hide balding. “Seriously, who is she? Whenever I ask, people look at me like I’m strange, but everyone talks about her like she’s the lost Kardashian sister, or something.”

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image credit DJ Spiess

Kate Middleton…..during the Raisin foam fight.

Mayes said she was astounded at how little people knew about the University of St. Andrews itself, and not just its famous alumni with people starting at the bottom of The Guardian university rankings before stretching their neck upwards. “I was asking my friend whether she knew St. Andrews’ university ranking, and all she could talk about was Prince William and how much hotter his brother is – the ginger, Howard? Herbert?” Kate Middleton and Prince William graduated from the University of St. Andrews in 2005, he with a Masters in geography and she in Art History. When told that she would be following in the academic footsteps of Middleton, Mayes exclaimed, “Let me get this straight: this Kate woman marries her university boyfriend, has a baby, and I’m supposed to care?”

01334 461 333

Holdingwww.newinnstandrews.com up a copy of The Albany Parker, Mayes pointed to a picture of the newborn prince. “Seriously, what’s up with this? I mean, it’s just a kid. Then again, what can you expect from tabloid trash”.


STUDENT SPECIALS Sit-in Take-out

Starter + Main + Rice + Dessert APPETISERS - Spicy Garlic Mushrooms - Vegetable Pakora / Onion Bhaji - Potato Fritter - Chatt Patt (Chicken Wings) - 2 Poppadom & Onion Chutney MAIN Following can be cooked with Chicken, Lamb or Vegetables

Starter + Main + Rice + Nan APPETISERS - Vegetable Pako / Onion Bhaji - Potato Fritter - Chatt Patt (Chicken Wings) - 2 Poppadom & Onion Chutney MAIN Following can be cooked with Chicken, Lamb or Vegetables

- Madras (Hot) - Kadie (Medium to Hot) - Balti (Medium to Hot) - Bhuna (Medium) - Korma (Mild) - Tikka Masala (Medium) - Lahori Special Tikka (Medium) - Malayan Kurma (Mild) All above are served with rice or nan Or...Fish and Chips (served with Salad)

- Madras (Hot) - Chilli Masala (Hot) - Balti (Medium to Hot) - Bhuna (Medium) - Korma (Mild) - Jalfrezi (Medium) All above are served with rice and nan

All for only £6.95

Dessert - Ice Cream - Tea / Coffee

All for Only £9.95 Jahangir - 116a South Street Reservations/Takeaways: 01334 470 300

*Student Lunch Special* 2 courses only £5!!!


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The Albany Parker

Freshers’ Week

KATE KENNEDY SET UP NED CONVERSION CLINIC yobs passing by on the street to form an “orderly, polite queue”, which were met with comments such as “F*ck off mate!” and “Posh c*nts!” One member volunteered to convert one of their father’s old gatehouses into a garage for stripping boy racers’ cars. Flared spoilers, loud exhausts and black rims are to be replaced with leather seats, wood panelling and repainted a subtle dark-green with token splashes of country mud. The finished result…. former Neds pose after undergoing the KK’s treatment.

As part of the Club’s ongoing charitable efforts, the head of the KKC, Jamie Perriam, today announced the introduction of drop-in clinics for local neds to be “cleansed” of their “vulgarity”. The club set up a small gazebo attached to one of the member’s Land Rovers, hired an elocution tutor, personal tailor and 300 pairs of faded burgundy chinos.

Perriam said: “This dearth of etiquette and fashion sense that is encountered in the local youth population on a daily basis has plagued our town for decades, from the retired gentry to the ivorytower dwelling professors. Now is the time to make a difference. Now is the time to Make Vulgarity History (MVH).” The members of the club asked

One particular target area was Madras College, to which a special sub-unit of Barbour-wielding philanthropists was despatched, though repeated attempts to persuade the outgoing students to shun Hollyoaks in favour of the Archers were met with blank faces. The Kate Kennedy Club is pleading for thousands volunteers to sign up for its next MVH stop: Dundee

A TOP TIP So you’re sat in your room, it’s raining outside, and you’re bored. You browse the internet but nothing gets your attention. You then get this feeling. But can you? Should you? Didn’t the first time you logged onto the uni’s internet system provide you with a list of things you can and can ‘t do? It 01334 did but461 they’ll 333never stop you. It is perfectly safe to look at ‘it’. It www.newinnstandrews.com did take a few of the editors’ friends months to summon up the courage but don’t worry – the uni can’t kick out every single student.


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The Albany Parker

Freshers’ Week

TOP 3 PLACES TO GO TO

Jahangir – 116a South Street - 01334 470 300 We all know of St Andrew’s rich history, from St Ruile to John Knox, but our town also has a link relating to the heart-breaking romance of an Indian prince, the future King Jahangir, who fell in love with a slave girl but was not allowed to marry her due to his father’s displeasure. The wide variety of dishes Jahangir offers is of such high quality as to impress an Indian King. It certainly has been good enough for footballers such as Gary Lineker, Kevin Keegan and golfer Luke Donald.

It not for nothing that Jahangir has been awarded TripAdvisor’s prestigious ‘2013 Certificate of Excellent’ – given to the topperforming 10% of all businesses worldwide. As soon enter, you are greeted by friendly and smartly dressed waiters who will help you make a wise choice. This service is warmly welcomed because of the extensive menu.

which use charcoal memorable tandoori.

to

cook

a

The restaurant, with its romantic lighting and history, is a perfect place to dine out with a friend. Make sure you take advantage of the generous student offers.

Chefs are classically trained to interact with traditional Indian clay ovens

Zest – Café and Juice Bar – 95 South Street - 01334 471451 If you want ethical and healthy drinks served up by a business with a real social conscious, Zest is the place to come to. Their reinvigorating smoothies are packed with nutritious ingredients – just what is needed after a hard slog in the library! Perhaps the reason why their smoothies are so refreshing is because they use fresh local produce wherever possible – unlike other expensive, bland coffee chains.

Zest stocks a surprisingly large range of foods to complement their delicious smoothies. With their large windows, you can sit for hours on end watching the whole world go by.

Student life is often dominated by unhealthy fatty foods. Your body deserves better. Your body deserves Zest.

Or you can carry on with your work in a lovely environment – just ask the very friendly staff for the password for free wi-fi. Worried about calories? No problem – Zest offers fat-free smoothies. Gluten allergy? Zest stock an extensive range of gluten-free foods and drinks.

Balaka – Fine Dining Indian / Bangladeshi Seafood restaurant - 3 Alexandra Place – 01334 474 825 This family run Bangladeshi/Indian restaurant opened 32 years ago in St Andrews and has been serving happy residents ever since. They’ve recently added fresh fish & seafood options to their menu. The Balaka, unique for a curry house in Scotland, has a half acre organic herb garden which provides ingredients which give dishes that extra kick all year round. The polite staff will even give you a tour of the garden! The Balaka offers some great student deals which allow you to try out a

a wide selection of dishes. Whether you want chicken, lamb, prawn or vegetables, the Balaka will make your visit memorable.

The food is expertly cooked by their head chef who has been with the restaurant for 26 years – so he’s obviously doing something right!

Of course, this restaurant was named the best curry house in the whole of Scotland in 2012/13 – it is not for nothing that high profile celebrities such as Hugh Grant and Sean Connery have eaten here.

We recommend trying out their Mas Bangla & Green Herb Chicken – you’ll soon be a regular!

01334 461 333 www.newinnstandrews.com

Located just further down Market Street from the Union, the Balaka provides students with a dining experience we really shouldn’t afford.


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The Albany Parker

Freshers’ Week

TUTORIALS TRANSLATED We know you freshers’ are all wondering what your compulsory tutorials will be like. So, below is a 100% true to life scenario of what to expect: Dr Penry Humbert-Smit; Well, here we are, first tutorial. I’m Dr Penry Humbert-Smit, feel free to call me Penry - But actually, don’t. It’s Dr Smit. I’m delighted to be tutoring you. - But actually, I’m not. You’re all foul and utterly underqualified.

- I.e. what I believe sets this piece of utter pseudo-cerebral shite aside from all the other pieces of pseudo-cerebral pieces of shite I’ve had to read for the last two years was that it was about fucking trains! I have no interests in life that divulge from the following holy trinity of intertia; bed, telly and the ‘five-finger shuffle’. Ergo, unless the next article we’re assigned to read is entitled “First Treatise on The Metaphysic of Bed, Telly and The Five-Finger Shuffle”, then I’m likely to remain as disinterested and gormless as ever. Dr Penry Humbert Smit: Christ, I wish I’d gotten that post at Cambridge. - Oh, bugger.

So, I trust everyone did the reading? Undergrad 1; Err yeah, I did most of it. - Haha fuck no, I just sat in my room all night eating Jaffa Cakes and reading endless posts on Buzzfeed. Undergrad 2; Yeah, same. - Except I was out last night for a rugby social, i.e. ritualistic bouts of senseless lagerboofing and buggery. Undergrad 3; Yeah, I read it, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Of particular interest for me was Schivelbusch’s point that, from a phenomenological aspect, the advent of Railway Mania did as much for distorting people’s perceptions of space and time as it did for nationbuilding. - Thank you, Wikipedia. Dr Penry Humbert Smit; Interesting point. - Great, two retards and one clever shite.

TOP TIP There, undoubtedly, will be a moron in your tutorials who always makes you look bad by doing the tutorial. Well, here’s how to stop the bastard: Go to the library (don’t worry, the solution is not doing the work), get all the books you need for the next tutorial and take them out. Because the library is so poorly equipped, it means your rival cannot access the books easily. He/she will not be able to show you up too badly. What happens if they recall the book? This is a signal that the book is very important. You’ve got two choices: read it or pay the fine. If the fine is a couple of quid, one might decide it is worth paying to stop your nemesis getting ahead.

So, let’s follow that up. Did either of you two read the Schivelbusch article? If so, any thoughts? Undergrad 1: I did read it yeah, and I agree with what was he says, although I feel it contains some drawbacks. - By which I mean, i did relent to having a quick peak at it and concluded within about piece was outdone only by the monumental pointlessness of it. Undergrad 2; Yeah, I agree, one of which, I feel, was the conclusion of the article, which I found a little, err, un-engaging?

01334 461 333 www.newinnstandrews.com Asians…..your worst enemy.


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The Albany Parker

Freshers’ Week

BDSM 4 PM

David Cameron has revealed that Internet pornography is costing him a fortune. “Samantha has decided that we shall not be ‘opting in’ or she will make me get the whole thing banned,” the Prime Minister told The Albany Parker, “I’m paying through the nose for it.”

Sources inside Downing Street say that the PM has been looking more tired and haggard lately, the result of several consecutive late nights. “He’s staying up into the small hours every night,” said one aide, “It wasn’t so bad when he was watching the free stuff but he’s seen basically all of it now. There just isn’t enough high-quality pornography being distributed freely to satiate the Prime Minister, so now he’s hooked on the premium sites.” It is thought Cameron has come under pressure from the Chancellor. The porn ban measure is estimated to decrease the budget deficit by 20%.

“This is a disgrace,” said Labour leader Ed Milliband. “This is an embarrassment to the nation. I mean, I’m fine with a bit of lesbian and maybe even some hentai if it’s a Saturday night, but I draw the line at shemale. He is supposed to be the prime minister, not the porn minister”. Miliband later u-turned saying he did not mean to suggest his shemale voters are “a disgrace” or an “embarrassment”. When asked to comment, London Mayor Boris Johnson suggested that the PM might try making some of his own.

Porn Minister……David Cameron in hot water.

Although the Prime Minister told reporters that he is aware that there are several sites dedicated to distributing free pornography, most of it was no longer suitable for his discerning palate because of its low production values. “That’s the thing,” he said yesterday, “Once you’ve started watching the pros do it you can’t go back to the crappy stuff again. And I can’t go on any of the free amateur sites because there’s always the risk that you’ll click on something that resembles John Prescott in it.” Initial investigations reveal that the Prime Minister may be spending

01334 461 333 www.newinnstandrews.com


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The Albany Parker

Freshers’ Week

POLITICS PRIMER

y We understand that many of you have arrived to university with little knowledge of British politics. So we’ve created a simple politics brief for you. Firstly, Scotland is a devolved part of the United Kingdom. Scotland has her own parliament located in Edinburgh with powers over a whole range of devolved issues including health, education and law. Scottish people elect MSPs to their parliament. The Parliament of the United Kingdom (in Westminster, London) is made up of MPs and retains control over issues such as most taxes/benefits, defence and foreign policy. The last UK general election resulted in the Coalition government with the Tories, the largest party, partnering with the Liberal Democrats. The most recent Scottish parliamentary election was won by Alex Salmond’s SNP, making Salmond the first minister of Scotland. David Cameron Posh bastard Prime Minister of the UK, Leader of the Conservative Party (Tories) Polling average: 30-33%

Nick Clegg Lying bastard Deputy PM, Leader of the Liberal Democrats Polling average: 8-11%

Ed Miliband Weak bastard Leader of the Labour Party Polling average: 36-39%

The conservatives claim to be a centre right party but, actually, they are right wing nut jobs. Since not winning the 2010 election, they have embarked on a radical deficit reduction plan with 95% cuts to the disability allowance. Since achieving 23% of the vote in the last general election, support for Clegg’s party has plunged. Even the St Andrews Lib Dem Soc had to close last year due to lack of members. Clegg promised free uni eduThe Labour party is infiltrated with militant trade unionists. Miliband and his party are secretly committed to Marxism and will nationalise Tesco if elected. Not so long ago, most of Scot-

Alex Salmond Smug bastard First Minister of Scotland Leader of the Scottish National Party (SNP)

The best politician in the UK. Did what many thought impossible by winning an overall majority in the Scottish parliamentary elections in 2011.

Polling avg (in Scot elections):

The whole point of Salmond and his SNP is to win Scottish independence but opinion

41-5%

Nigel Farage Bastard bastard Leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP) Polling average: 10-13%

Until recently, UKIP would not have featured on this page. The ring-wing populists have shot up the polls since 2010 overtaking the Lib Dems as the third biggest party in the UK. Their leader, Farage, is hated

On the issue of Scottish independence, Tories are officially unionists. But when you consider there are more pandas in Scotland than Tory MPs (hat tip Salmond), it is obvious all Tories hate their benefit-addicted cousins up north. cation before voting to triple them to £9k. Humiliating election results such as being beaten by a penguin in Edinburgh (seriously) means the Lib Dems will soon be extinct from the political scene. land was seen as Labour heartlands. However, the Scots inflicted heavy defeats on Labour with the SNP picking up the spoils. Labour spent the whole of 2010 and 2011 opposing budget cuts before saying they would keep them if elected. polls show this is unlikely to happen.

very

If anyone can turn it around, though, it is Salmond. To his enemies, Salmond is a fat slimy bastard. To his supporters, he is also a fat slimy bastard. lefties and was recently locked in an Edinburgh pub by police for protection. The Guardian attempts to put the words Farage, fracking and facism into every article about UKIP.


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The Albany Parker

Freshers’ Week

The American Corner - REPS REPEAL BILL OF RIGHTS In an unprecedented and startling move, House Republicans voted completely along party lines (234-201) to repeal the Bill of Rights of the U.S. Constitution. It appears they have made good on their promise to live up to Speaker John Boehner’s recent statement to repeal as many laws as possible. When asked to elaborate, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor replied, “Yeah, we stand for the constitution. But only the original parts, not that liberal bullshit they put in afterward, like freedom of speech, the right to a fair trial, and freedom of the press.” Speaker of the House John Boehner commented, “Trying to

repeal Obamacare just wasn’t doing it for us anymore. I mean, it was still an ok pick-me-up every now and then, but after literally forty times, it felt like we were just going through the motions.”

can’t pass a vote to enforce background checks on guns, but we’re going to do away with civil liberties in this country?” After months of near-silence, former presidential nominee, Mitt Romney, also endorsed the measure, stating, “I am 100% in favour of reducing these state handouts of rights.”

Despite past Republican support for amendments such as the right to bear arms and freedom of religion, Boehner added. “President Obama has always supported the Second Amendment, so naturally we felt it was time to oppose it. And as far as freedom of religion goes, well…it is a Christian nation.” Democrat, Keith Ellison of Minnesota, the first Muslim member of the House was appalled: “What the fuck, we

Tense….moments before the cruical vote, the house waits in silence.

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- homemade quiche!

- wide selection of loose teas and

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coffees from around the world – make your own coffee house brew at home!

- homemade scones!

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Experience an award winning fine dining Indian/Bangladeshi seafood restaurant

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Student Specials Takeaway: £6.95 – one starter, one main course, one popadom, rice and naan bread . Student Special Sit-in: £8.95 – one starter, one main course, one popadom, rice, naan bread and dessert.

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3 Alexandra Place – along Market Street. A little bit further from the Student Union.

www.balaka.com - 01334 474825 - voted best curry house in Scotland 2012/13 – ‘Good Curry’ guide -


Freshers' Edition