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October 20, 2011 | Issue #248

y o u r. i n d y @ g m a i l . c o m editor-in-chief: Ri l ey Ken ny s mith layout editor: To m D au er writers: T h o ma s Roach M a da me Q u er y A l ex a Dillen b eck Ri l ey Ken ny s mith Ró i sí n McCarty print manager: To ny Pon tiu s cover photo by: D avi d Grimald i copy editor: To m my Roach artwork by: M a rg o t Allis on web design by: D a n i el l e Lemp p The Purchase Independent is a nonprofit news magazine, paid for by the Mandatory Student Activity fee. We welcome and encourage submissions from readers. The Indy is a forum for campus issues and events, to give students the voice they deserve. Letters, articles, comics, ads, event photography and event listings are welcomed. The deadline for submissions is every Friday before midnight, and accepted pieces will be published the following Thursday. Publication of submissions is not guaranteed, but subject to the discretion of the editors. No anonymous submissions will be considered, but we will accept use of pseudonyms on a caseby-case basis. Send all submissions and inquiries to Send questions to Madame Query at formspring. me/madamequery. Back page quotes can be submitted to indybackpage or put in the Back Page Box that hangs on the office door. Our office is located on the first floor of Campus Center North, room 1011. Staff meetings are held in the office every Monday night at 9:30; anyone is welcome to join.


LETTER FROM THE EDITOR This past weekend I was able to enjoy a spectacular dance showcase and a hilarious performance of Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night, without ever even leaving campus. I think we sometimes forget what it means to have so many conservatories at Purchase: we have almost-daily access to art and performances, and we should take advantage of that. The next time you’re tired of your usual weekend grind and looking for a change of pace, ask around before you decide to catch a train out of town. See what the dance, art, music and theatre conservatories have to offer—you could find a show that perfectly suits your Friday or Saturday night. If you’re still searching for something to enjoy this weekend, go to the PAC and see Twelfth Night put on by the acting conservatory’s fourth year class. I can promise that you’ll come out laughing.




“I’m not sure I could focus on having sex while watching other people have sex,” I said. Frankie’s cheeks turned pink, “I’ve done it.” “Frankie, you never cease to surprise me.” He shrugged, “It just doesn’t seem like a strange thing to me. I bet tons of people do it all the time. Google it!” “We can’t spend our whole day looking up porn statistics.” “We have nothing else to do. And it’s your case, it’s work, it’s The Problem of the Missing Clitoris.” It was true, there were no other cases requiring our immediate attention. He smiled knowingly and I turned my chair toward the computer. He leaned in, “Look, that link says that couples who watch porn together are closer.” “That link is to a Cosmpolitan article. I refuse to take anything published in Cosmo seriously.” “But that other link below it is from The Archives of Sexual Behavior. ‘Relationships are more committed and sexually satisfying when porn is openly discussed and enjoyed together,’ it says... I told you.” “I mean, Faye Reagan comes up in casual conversation quite often,” I mused. “As she should.” “I always saw the activity of watching porn in a group setting as more of a means to make everyone feel awkward, or as a drunken laugh.” Frankie laughed, “Then it’s time to expand your horizons,” crossing his arms and settling back into his chair.

subsequently just about halfway through an expensive bottle of wine. “So at work today, a few of the guys were talking about how they watch porn with their wives,” I said, pouring her another glass of wine and taking a sip of my own. “What do you think about that?” She picked the napkin off of her lap and wiped her hands with it before dropping it onto her empty plate. “I say,” she started, “Stoya, Sasha Grey, or amateur?” I grinned at her, “You’re serious?” “It’s how I get myself off, so why shouldn’t it be how I get you off ?” she said coyly. I paused, my glass halfway between the table and my lips. “Damn.” “Well?” “Mornin’ Frankie!” I said, walking through the already-open door of my office. “You look chipper this morning,” he replied. I sat down and leaned slowly back, swinging my feet up on top of my desk. Looking him in the eye, I said, “Have I ever told you that I graduated with a 4.0?”

Two hours later I was home and a little more than halfway through dinner, and




The sixth season of Doctor Who just ended, leaving a sad, empty hole in my Saturday routine. Or the 26th season, depending on how you’re counting. The BBC show originally began airing in 1963, but its current incarnation began in 2005. The show’s main character, the Doctor, (“Doctor who?”) has survived on television for decades by regenerating into a new body whenever the principal actor decides to leave the production, and every Whovian has a favorite Doctor. We’re currently on 11 and I’m generally caught up, having seen a few episodes from each of the Doctors from the 60s–80s (Classic Who) and rewatched each of the Ninth, Tenth and Eleventh Doctors’ episodes (New Who) more times than I can possibly count. My partner in crime, the Indy’s own Tom Dauer, is currently on season 3 of New Who and still mourning the departure of Rose, who was the Doctor’s companion through the first two seasons of the new series. Tom texts me as he watches, usually in overemotional allcaps: I FUCKING LOVE THIS SHOW. I’M FREAKING. DALEKS. STOP.

And I must say, there’s nothing like the excitement of a fellow Whovian to put a smile on my face. Because really, anything Who-related is going to get me grinning like a fool. If you haven’t been watching, it’s probably time to start. And I have a few cards in my hand to convince you. First, this is science fiction at its finest. Yes, I consider myself expert enough to provide such a definitive opinion. Second, there are British accents, and who doesn’t love those?


Third, the theme song is a landmark in the history of electronic music. Fourth, Douglas Adams (of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy fame) wrote episodes for the Fourth Doctor and writers of New Who have been known to throw in an occasional joke that references Adams’s work. Fifth, Neil Gaiman (author of Sandman, American Gods, Coraline, et cetera) wrote an episode for the most recent series that will definitely make you laugh and possibly make you cry. (I have healthy obsessions with the works of both Adams and Gaiman, so these points seem particularly convincing to me.) Sixth, it’s hilarious, but also scary, but not gory, which matters for squeamish people like me. Seventh, if you’re a history nerd, you’ll love the alternate realities the show provides for certain historical events—just wait ‘til you meet Shakespeare! Eighth, if you count both Classic and New Who together, you have nearly 800 episodes to watch, and much of that is available on Netflix. Ninth, you definitely know someone who will be more than happy to watch it with you, there are tons of Who fans on campus. Tenth, this show is so big that they air an episode on Christmas each year to a huge viewing audience; if something is awesome enough that it can get families to sit down after their Christmas dinner eager for a new episode, you know it’s worth watching. And my eleventh and final reason for you to watch Doctor Who is this: I’ve created what I believe is the perfect drinking game for the show, and provide it for you here! As always, drink responsibly. And don’t blink. Don’t even blink. Blink and you’re dead.

TELEVISION The Doctor Who Drinking Game (New Who episodes only)

• 9 says “Fantastic,” or stops and looks at nothing in an upset way. • 10 says “What,” “Allons-y!” “Molto bene,” “Brilliant,” or “Oh yes!” • 11 says “Geronimo,” snaps the TARDIS open, pulls a Sherlock Holmes or says “[fashion items] are cool.” • “Doctor? Doctor Who?” • “It’s bigger on the inside.” • “Spoilers.” • “Sorry,” drink double for “I’m so sorry,” waterfall if the apology lasts longer than that. • The Doctor casually name-drops someone famous. • A companion wanders off. • The TARDIS materializes. • The Doctor uses his sonic screwdriver to unlock a door. • Someone shouts, “RUN!” • Aliens suddenly appear who are from “the beginning of time.” • The Doctor puts on clever specs. • You feel violently attracted to River Song or Captain Jack. • Plot arcs appearing all creepylike where you least expect them and only recognize them upon rewatching, like Bad Wolf, Torchwood, Saxon, Rose’s contact attempts, missing planets, the crack, The Silence.





I smoke cigarettes. Actually, I chain smoke cigarettes. If my friends didn’t care about my health so much (and if my wallet could handle it), I’d probably be on a pack a day by now. And I hate it. More often than not, my lungs feel like they’re going to collapse. It upsets my parents (my dad actually quit smoking for me and my sister). It reminds me of my own mortality with each and every drag. So why do I torment myself ?

See, smoking is a thing at Purchase. If you’re outside, especially outside on the Quad, you’re probably hanging out with people who smoke. And you can try to abstain, but the truth is, your days as a non-smoker are likely numbered here. Purchase students love their cigarettes. I started smoking last fall, my first semester at Purchase. I figured as long as I only smoked a few cigarettes over the course of the semester, I’d be fine. And I was. I also stopped during the spring, for a while, at least. Culture Shock got me. This summer I became a chain smoker, but I ended up quitting because literally none of my


friends at home smoke, and all of them gave me hell about it. Now it’s fall semester again, and I think thus far I’ve bought 30 packs since I came back to campus. I’m low on cash, and my lungs are failing. But I’m probably not going to quit. Why? Because every time I go outside to sit with my friends, we smoke. It’s something—something legal—to do. And when you’re bored as hell on a Wednesday night and you can’t leave campus because none of your friends have cars, that little something turns into a big social event. What I’m trying to say is this: if all of my friends stopped smoking, I’m 95% sure I’d quit too. Smoking seems to be a social norm on this campus, at least where I hang out. I smoke to fit in, not because I think cigarettes will solve my problems. And I don’t think I’m alone. It seems that, on a campus where everyone you meet is different from everyone else, a large portion of us share this one thing in common. And even though we all know it’s going to kill us eventually, we do it anyway. Because that’s the thing to do. That’s just me, though. Fuck, I need a cigarette.

your.indy@gmail .c o m

Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night

proudly presented by the Purchase Reperatory Theatre’s senior company at the Performing Arts Center • October 20th & 21st at 8pm

Saturday, October 22nd the Co-Op at 830pm

• art show • Trouble Books • The Act of Estimating as Worthless • Kingsley Davis • Mike Caridi

• October 22nd at 2pm & 8pm

Hallow-Week Blood Drive Pumpkin Carving & Apple Cider @ the Stood every Thursday in October! S.O.C.A.’s Halloween Party:

Nightmare on G Street Friday, October 21st

Monday, October 24th & Tuesday, October 25th Southside from 9am–5pm

Monday, October 24th Whitson’s at 830pm

• RVIVR • lots more TBA

the Stood at 10pm

A+D Visiting Artist Lecture Series

Mask-erade Making Friday, October 21st

Dana Schutz

Wednesday, October 26th VA room 1016 at 6:30pm

Dining Hall Mezzanine at 5pm

mask making hosted by Farside & Outback RAs and the Art Co-Op

Mask-erade Ball

Saturday, October 22nd

Wednesday, October 26th Whitson’s at 8:30pm

• Big Kids • Sirs • Toasted Plastic • Acid Fast • Hands if You Lose

Southside at 8pm

Latinos Unidos & C.A.N.D.I.E.S. present

Neon Lights

(blacklight party)

Saturday, October 22nd Whitson’s at 10pm




The Purchase Plague, something most of us have experienced before, is spreading like wildfire around campus. The name means different things to all of us, and is usually what we point the finger of blame at when we want to skip class. I can tell you that I personally have been sick for a month. I had to start researching ways to get well and stay that way. Here, for your benefit, is some of what I have learned. STOP SMOKING

I don’t smoke, but this school is plagued itself with cigarettes. Walking out of a door of any dorm, apartment or academic building means getting bombarded with smoke. People who smoke and people who breathe in secondhand smoke are more likely to catch a cold. Not only that, but the cold will probably last longer, be worse than a non-smoker’s cold, and could lead to pneumonia. And those are just the commoncold-related effects!



Find something that reduces your stress (that isn’t smoking!). Stress also causes your immune system to work less effectively. So even if you have a midterm tomorrow, get some rest, listen to some music and chill out. This gives you more reasons to stop hitting the books so hard! GET SOME EXERCISE

I have to be honest, I will probably never follow this, but that’s why I am sick right now. Because working on your fitness will get your blood flowing, it can also decrease your risk of cardiovascular diseases. GO TO SLEEP

If you sleep a full night’s sleep, you’ll be able to build up your white blood cells, which will help protect you against any kind of illness you may face this Plague season.


Another reason why everyone is getting sick is because everyone is around each other! Hand washing can help protect you from all the germs you come into contact with on a daily basis. Grab some soap and water and lather up. This can help eliminate some of the dangers your body is up against. DRINK FLUID (AND PUT DOWN THE BOTTLE)

Drink plenty of fluids, especially water, and limit your alcohol consumption. I know that might be hard on a college campus, but dehydration can cause your body to not fight off illness as effectively as you would wish. Also, don’t share your drinks with others, because it can spread a variety of disgusting germs that you no one wants. If you can’t bear to miss another weekend, pace yourself and be selfish about your drinks, and you’ll thank me later. VITAMIN C

Vitamin C is awesome. It is definitely one of my favorite vitamins and it should be yours too. First, it’s great for helping your body fight against illness and it helps if you do get sick. Get vitamin C from oranges, bell peppers, lemon juice, grapefruit, tomatoes and plenty of other fruits and veggies. If you are strictly carnivorous, pop a vitamin tablet.

CLUB & COMMITTEE MEETING TIMES Thursday, October 13th Fusion: CCN 0014B at 7pm Film: Humanities Theatre at 7pm RPGA: Hub Basement at 8pm Chess Club: comm. lounge at 8pm Cheese Club: Co-Op at 10pm Trans*Action: LGBTQU at 10pm

Monday, October 17th MSA Club: Sparks at 5pm FORTH: Southside at 8pm Bible Talk: Starbucks at 9pm

Tuesday, October 18th CoCOaS: the Stood at 5:30pm Green Team: Co-Op at 6pm DDR Club: the Stood at 7pm Public Relations: Co-Op at 8pm PUSH: Hub basement at 9pm SAC: PSGA Office at 9pm General Events: Stood at 9:30pm Complexuality: Co-Op at 10pm LU: Hub basement at 10pm


What would this article be without a good ol’ mention of getting down and dirty? Sex is a great way to stay healthy as long as you and your partner want it and you’re being safe. It relieves stress, cuts down your calories, makes your heart healthier, makes you sleep better and boosts your immunity. Basically, it’s all of the previous steps all in one!

Wednesday, October 19th Hillel: Hub basement at noon Psych Club: NatSci1030 at noon Senate: Southside at 12:30pm Sociology: SPARC room at 1pm Stood meeting: Stood at 2:30pm CBLA: commuter lounge at 7pm Anime: commuter lounge at 8pm SOCA: Hub basement at 8pm Hip Hop: Hub basement at 10pm LGBTQU: Red Room at 10pm




Dear Madame, for a while now I have

Dear Madame Query, I am finding that

had girls tell me I’m “too big to fit.” Can

watching porn has begun to run into my

you give me the 411 on how to find an

homework time. How do I balance love

experienced girl who can handle me?

time and work time?

This isn’t some Goldielocks shit, is it? It’s “too small,” “too big,” or “just rigghhhhttttttttt.” I can’t tell you how to find an “experienced” girl and I won’t because you don’t need experience to fit you. In order for a lady to handle a larger penis (or sometimes any penis for that matter), you need to get her going—warm her up! Madame is, of course, talking about FOREPLAY! You don’t need to go searching high and low for an “experienced” woman, you need to take time with someone whose presence you may actually enjoy. Don’t go straight in for the kill (Madame realizes this is probably not the best common phrase to use in this context...but uh, you get it!). Make out, touch each other. We’re old enough to know what foreplay involves. I’m not going to go any further with what you need to do for you easily fit in. It’s about preparation. A lot of foreplay goes a long way, but sometimes bodies are not meant to fit other bodies. It sucks and it sounds wrong, but it is the truth. Some bodies are not meant to fit with other bodies. If foreplay can’t help you and some girl, then maybe the sex isn’t meant to be. Before I leave you, a word of advice: don’t go around telling girls that you’ve been said to be “too big to fit,” because if that girl is anything like Madame, she is just going to dry up like a sponge in Arizona.

You could figure out multitasking. It’s not that hard. Duh. One hand solving math problems and one hand—well, you know. However, when I come to think about formulas and pornography, they don’t really make a good match on the same screen of my computer. Madame knows how you are going to have to balance this. Okay before anything else, let us evaluate your priorities here. There are how many porn sites? Yeah, too many. I can’t answer. They will always be there for you (just like episodes of the Kardashians replaying on a loop on E!). Now how many times is a professor going to let you have a go at an assignment? Oh, yeah, that’s right, only once. You’ve got to make that work count! Don’t fuck it up because you were dreaming about getting fucked. Now how to actually find time around the work to enjoy your “love time” distraction? Easy, try doing your work and giving yourself a reward. It is perfectly healthy to enjoy porn, but like with anything else, it can become excessive and you need to keep yourself in check. Putting the real work first and the play second will give you a bigger appreciation for pleasure.


A DV I C E My roommate’s girlfriend has been legit living




shitting, et cetera) with us in our tinyenough-as-it-is-already apartment. She’s nice, but I’m still annoyed by her constant

PTV Guide Monday: 8:30pm - Aquatic Mole Presents...

presence. What should I say or do?

9:30pm - “Daniel Singer”

Whatever you do, do not confront the roommate’s girlfriend. Confront the roommate. It is a tiny apartment that you spend a lot of money on. This is not fair for you, nor is it fair for all of your other roommates. Put all snide comments aside and talk to your roommate. Tell the roommate that while you have no problems with the girlfriend, you didn’t sign up for this one extra person in your apartment. It’s not fair! I can see it now; crammed like a can of sardines living with the already-questionable living standards in an apartment of the Olde. Bitch has got to have a home, so don’t feel like you are kicking her out into the streets. You are not! In fact, I think you’ll probably be helping your roommate’s relationship. No two people should spend too much time with one another in quarters that close. It isn’t healthy. These Purchase apartments were not meant for twenty-somethings to build a life together, especially while living with 3–5 other people.

11:00pm - Mizz Jade’s Hot Mess Express

10:00pm - “Jen Fiore” 12:00am - Power Hower

Tuesday: 9:00pm - The Michael Latin Show 10:30pm - Lingo 11:30pm - Purchase Masterpiece Theater

Wednesday: 10:00pm - PTV Meeting @ PTV Studios 11:00pm - Thermobarbaric 11:30pm - Purchase Late Night 12:30am - I’ve Got A Microphone And I’m Not

Afraid To Use It

Thursday: 9:00pm - Brick TV 10:30pm - Love Grunt Sensation 11:00pm - Dying Screams of the Forgotten Earth 11:30pm - “Marguerite Daniels”





*some quotes have been rewritten for legibility or to preserve the anonymity of the submitter

The Purchase Independent - 10/20/2011  

The Purchase Independent - 10/20/2011

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