Stealing the truth and throwing it back in your face
RE VEALED : T h e r e a s o n t he UK is g e t t i n g w o r s e a n d w o r s e . . .
RICH WHITE MEN IN SUITS TERRORISING BRITAIN Exclusive story continued on pages 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 10, 12 and 18
2 PROPER NEWS
OSBORNE: Companies that destroy stuff will pay less tax Chancellor says trashing Britain will boost economy
GEORGE Osborne has unveiled a raft of new measures designed to help companies destroy things and make people's lives a misery. The Chancellor of the Exchequer said it was "absolutely vital" that businesses were given all the assistance they needed to ruin, ravage, dismantle, dismember, axe, annihilate, extinguish, exterminate, trash, torpedo, smash, spoil, wreck and lay waste to whatever part of Britain they could lay their hands on. "You forgot to mention vaporise," noted Osborne, "I want companies to vaporise stuff too. "Businesses will be entitled to a 50 percent tax discount, a bypass of the
planning system and a free staff outing to Alton Towers if they can prove that they've vaporised a part of Britain." Firms that want to mix six gallons of water with 33,000 gallons of chemicals including hydrochloric acid, uranium and other carcinogens - and pump the toxic mixture two miles underground at high pressure, to fracture rocks and extract natural gas, have already been promised half-price tax by the chancellor.
Osborne said he was “hugely impressed” with how the fracking companies caused earthquakes and poisoned drinking water supplies.
“Wow, I mean, seriously big wow. That fracking stuff is impressive. “As soon I saw the scale of the destruction they can cause, I just couldn’t resist rewarding those frackers. “They are the example I want every other company in Britain to follow.” To aid the carnage Osborne also said that any initiatives aimed at repairing, restoring, mending, fixing, rebuilding or in any way improving Britain would be duly punished. “Giving out free insulation to help poor people stay warm is unacceptable, as is planting trees and keeping fire stations open,” continued Osborne, as he set about mailing gun powder to companies
BIG BANG: Osborne’s briefcase
listed on the FTSE100. “This country is about to get totally fracked up.”
Downing Street rated CrAAAp 2: 3:
Proper news Page three
Proper news Good news
Indifferent news Bad news
14-15: Typical news
16-17: Worrying news
20-21: Crazy news 22-23: Old news
24-25: Special feature
26-27: Unimportant news 28: 29:
Horror scopes Review
30-33: International news
34-36: Business news 37:
Property & jobs
Weather & puzzles
39-40: Sport news
SHITTY: Downing Street is beginning to smell like the public toilets on Brighton beach in mid-summer THE government has lost its top hygiene rating because of the huge mess dumped outside 10 Downing Street. Britain is now rated CrAAAp and will only regain its cleanliness certificate if it finally clears up the stinking heap in Westminster, which grows bigger and bigger by the day. The original turd left behind by the Labour Party in 2010 has now been joined by tonnes of litter, graffiti and yet more excrement, all dumped by the Treasury’s house-clearance team. Chancellor George Osborne tried to hide the stain on his trousers as he told us, here at The Taxman: “Losing our hygiene rating
just goes to show how big Labour’s faeces was. “So big, in fact, it developed its own gravitational field to which was attracted a whole heap of other rubbish. “Bear with us, we’re saving up to buy a new sponge.” The Conservative Party has used everything it can within the narrow range of its ideological cleaning cupboard but has yet to find anything capable of removing Labour’s shit. Continued Osborne: “Other people keep suggesting we look in a different cupboard, hire a professional cleaner, or maybe start
using a bin collection service. “But being in government is about making the tough decision to ignore what other people say and stubbornly continue scrubbing away with that old bottle of Jif and a ragged piece of kitchen towel.” Labour Party leader Ed Miliband suggested using a shovel. He said: “When Labour left office, yes, we’d left a big poo on the pavement, but we were going to clean it up. “As for all the other mess that’s there now, they can’t blame us for that. “Oh no, wait, they are. Damn, this shit is getting old."
Ms Squirrel, aged 1, from Regent’s Park
Look. I might be just another fit young squirrel flaunting my body all over the tabloids, for the sake of a few packets of cashews, but that doesn’t mean my opinion doesn’t count. Got it? Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. I can’t possibly know anything about world affairs, because I’m a rodent. Well, bite me. I know exactly how to broker a peace deal in Syria; how to broach the political divide in America and stop the US economy tumbling over a fiscal cliff; how to solve catastophic man-made climate change; how to clamp down on Western companies taking their profits offshore and avoiding the tax they owe to the developing countries they’re exploiting; and, yes, I know how to set up an independent press regulator that protects people’s privacy, upholds standards, limits media ownership and adequately punishes newspapers that break the rules, while at the same time guarantees press freedom and gives newsrooms a robust defence against spurious libel action by big coporations with expensive legal teams and millionaires who use their money to bully and gag journalists acting in the public interest. But, you know what? I ain’t gonna tell you nothing about all that bollocks. Because I’m a fucking squirrel - and all I care about is where the next nuts are going to come from. You mug.”
4 PROPER NEWS
Mindless thugs rebuild community centre A BUNCH of drunken yobs completely rebuilt a community centre in an act of mindless violence. Between the hours of 1 and 2am, about a dozen mindless thugs descended on to the ruined remains of the public facility and set about rebuilding it from scratch. The ‘aggressive’ group used existing foundations to construct a post-modernist structure of fine architectural heritage. The centre, destroyed by the local council for housing development, has now been reopened to the public. It still features the same function rooms and facilities as before, but with the addition of painted ceilings, underfloor heating, a 24sqft rear balcony and rooftop solar panels. Local resident Joyce Higginbotham witnessed the
shocking events. “It all happened so fast,” she said. “One minute the community centre wasn’t there, the next minute it was. “Mindless thugs, the lot of ‘em.” Police said there were about eight hooded yobs, three dodgy characters and at least one who should have known better. All could be described as equally ‘mindless’ and ‘thug-like in character’. The shocking incident follows a spate of violent regeneration schemes in recent weeks, including a series of sustainable housing projects and award-winning civic developments. If you know a mindless thug who you think is liable to regenerating your area, call Yobstoppers on 0800 111 555.
DANGEROUSLY HELPFUL: Teenagers should be avoided at all costs - unless you require assistance
CAMERON: We should terminate under-25s
WEAPON OF MASS UNEMPLOYMENT: Cameron is ready to pull the trigger
Keeping young people alive puts deficit-reduction plan at risk EVERY Briton under the age of 25 years must be slain, David Cameron has said. The prime minister believes any citizen born after 1989 does not have the right to life and should be violently exterminated forthwith. In an exclusive interview with us, here at The Taxman, Cameron outlined his latest plan for erasing the hopes and dreams of a generation. “Well, look, these are tough times, and basically, young people are just too expensive right now. Okay?
“Trust me, as soon as we’ve solved the deficit, we’ll let you repopulate. “For now all I ask is that you let me kill your children.” Cameron said he would see to it personally that all those too young to remember “how great it was living under Margaret Thatcher” either commits suicide or is murdered by his Downing Street Death Force before next Tuesday.
Napalm strikes on school playgrounds, THE Taxman. By appointment of Her Majesty, the Queen. We, dear reader, we have the power to collect. To collect the truth. Yes, we do. We watch and we listen and we probe and we take notes. In our Tesco Value notepads. The information we gather is churned up and it is spat out. Like a rebate. A truth rebate.
carpet bombs on housing estates with high birth rates and burying mines under music festival campsites are some of the innovative methods of genocide being considered by officials at Number 10. “If you don’t have the guts to slay your own offspring,” added Cameron, “just leave them in a pub, and we’ll do the rest.” However, the Conservative Party’s ambitious plan could cause yet more tension in its coalition with the Liberal Democrat Party, which is fiercely opposed to any
We write stories. Short stories, one at a time. We order them randomly, arbitrarily. Sometimes our IT man deletes them. Sometimes our cleaner sweeps them away. But the truth is always in there. TBC
slaughter of people aged under 11 years old. Lib Dem leader and deputy prime minister, Nick Clegg, said: “Tackling the deficit is our top priority and all avenues must be explored. “However, I do worry that if we started killing primary school-aged pupils we would lose support from teachers at the next election. “That’s my main concern with it.” Weapons manufacturer putting profits before death - page 36
Billions survive cannabis
NEW research shows that billions of people have somehow managed to survive smoking cannabis over the last few hundred years. Contrary to popular scientific misunderstanding the plant is less likely to kill you than a piece of A4 paper, which, when combined with a slippery floor, can present a fatal hazard in the workplace. Weed smokers said they felt like they were being ‘stitched up’, as usual, but also a bit peckish.
DUNCAN SMITH: ‘Foodbank bonuses are a disgrace’
OLD FART: Duncan Smith guards his hard-earned Heinz
‘They get given how many tins of baked beans?’ asks angry IDS
WORK and pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith has vowed to tackle the “ludicrous” bonuses given out by foodbanks. Latest figures show 350,000 food parcels have been handed out to people who haven’t earned them. And these are the same people who are entirely to blame for causing the financial crisis, according to Duncan Smith. “I say, it’s astonishing,” Duncan Smith started. “These people are brazen. “They sit at home, too lazy to work, only leaving the house to
visit the bookies and gamble their benefits away. “They’re smoking pot, drinking White Lightning, and then, when they’re hungry, they just pop along to their local foodbank and get given – for free, I should emphasise – a hamper of spiced pork meat and spreadable cheese triangles.
“Am I the only one who thinks this is an outrage? Surely you must agree, if someone really desperately needs to eat tinned hot dogs, they should have to
pay for them themselves? “Foodbank bonuses are a disgraceful stain on the moral fibre of our nation. Poor people are poor because they deserve to be. So why are they being rewarded for it? “I promise you I will not rest until every last foodbank in the UK has been erased from existence, and their users jailed for jeopardising the financial security of this nation by gambling away the government’s money.” Duncan Smith recently stormed out of a parliamentary debate on foodbanks because,
he said, “no other MP is taking the issue seriously”. The former Tory leader said: “I think the issue is simple. No-one should just get handed something on a plate without having earned it.
“Especially not anything as sacred as beans on toast.” Duncan Smith is not the only person who has called for foodbank bonuses to be reduced, however, he claims he is the only politician to admit that they are not needed at all, and that
the poor could manage perfectly well without them. “If foodbanks stopped handing out frozen fish fingers tomorrow, the only people who’d notice would be the greedy bastards who receive them. “They’re not an essential component of the economy; on the contrary, they’re destroying it. “So, why is it that the only people who understand this simple truth, are the same people who, like me, are running the country? “Surely that’s more than just a little coincidental.”
Support your local conglomerate! Shopping at your nearest independent trader - be it baker, greengrocer, newsagent or fish fryer - is no doubt a fulfilling and life-enriching experience.
It is also getting more and more difficult for big businesses to obtain capital investment from banks these days. Sometimes it even takes more than one email.
We would never question that.
Add to that the daily burden of pleasing shareholders, maintaining a strong brand image, forking out millions on advertising campaigns and lobbying politicians to cut red tape and you’ve got yourself one very shaky marketplace.
Small and medium enterprises (SMEs) can spare the time to get to know their customers, cater for individual tastes and adapt their business model to the needs of the community, as required. But however delightful shopping at such establishments may be, we have a small favour to ask. Please don’t forget about the fortunes of your local conglomerate.
Unlike SMEs, publicly-listed corporations have had to suffer the burden of yet another tax cut from our frugal chancellor.
So imagine for a minute how awful life would be if all the big chain stores disappeared from your high street. Wouldn’t be nice, would it? Don’t let it happen. Support your local conglomerate.
6 PROPER NEWS
GOVE: Replace GCSEs with my new GoveCSEs LORD GOVESON: Will die if that’s what it takes
NEWS IN BRIEF Nick Clegg set to start apology tour LIBERAL Democrat leader Nick Clegg has begun a year-long tour of university campuses, in a bid to set the world record for apologising. Clegg aims to give either a bunch of flowers, a box of chocolates, or a pair of Snow Patrol tickets to each student who voted for him in 2010. “And I absolutely honestly promise, on my grandmother’s grave, that I’ll never ever lie to you again,” he plans to tell them. Nick Clegg guest column - page 18
Royal Mail is sold to the Daily Mail THE ‘Royal’ in Royal Mail is set to be lost after 498 years of regal service, thanks to a gaggle of conspiring newspaper bosses stamping their authority all over our post. Editors, led by the Daily Mail’s Paul Dacre, have bought thousands of shares in the privatised firm. They allege that anything with the word ‘royal’ in it must be bad on principle, without any consideration for how it might function in reality.
Free school to be run by a boyband BOYBAND One Direction are set to open a free school. The X Factor runners-up said they wanted to ‘give something back to their fans’ - such as a crap education and no career prospects. The government said the project would provide much-needed school places to girls with low self-esteem.
Education chief just wants people to like him
MICHAEL Gove says his new “GoveCSE” is going to whip your children into shape, and if you don't like it you can stay behind and meet “Mr Cane”. The GoveCSE will test school pupils everyday at 9am, 12noon and 3pm on what they know about the life and times of Michael Gove, the Secretary of State for Education and All Conquering God of Your Every Waking Hour.
In addition to knowing the full life story of His Royal Goveness, from his self-delivered birth in Edinburgh in 1967 through to his current state as a reincarnation of Lord Nelson, GoveCSE students will also be required to know the history of the British Empire to such a fine degree of detail that anyone who is discovered through examination to not know the name and rank of any loss to the armed forces between 1497 and 1997 will im-
mediately receive a dozen lashings. Any pupils displaying a hint of knowledge of countries outside the Commonwealth will receive a similar punishment, as well as being forced to hand-deliver their letter of apology to the Queen. Said Sir Michael: "I am your master. “You listen to me and only me. I have replaced all of your family and friends. There is nothing else now. Only I, Gove. "Now, if you do exactly as I say, and I mean exactly, you may just pass the GoveCSE and qualify for a place at Gove College, the new name for all further education institutions.
"However, if you ignore my instructions, or deviate from them by miscalculation, confusion or peasantry, you shall fail the GoveCSE and spend the rest of your life in the Factory of Gove, a new mass production hub run by slaves that will be
tasked with heralding a second industrial revolution through the abandonment of all workers' rights and health and safety laws. "Those who do somehow gain a Diploma in Gove will be graded depending on how rich their parents are.
"Only Gove 1s will be given the privilege of paying £90,000 a term to attend the new University of Gove in my Surrey constituency office, where you will have the honour of washing my feet and waxing my scrotum." Horrified teachers in England reacted to the news by quitting their jobs and setting up free schools instead. Teachers in Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland - who aren't subjects of Gove - laughed hysterically for several hours before returning to the classroom to sober up.
BNP leader ‘sorry’ for ending slavery BRITISH National Party leader Nick Griffin has formally apologised for Britain’s role in ending slavery 200 years ago. Speaking at his party’s conference, Griffin described the actions of his forefathers as “heinous” and called on the government to repeal the law which brought to an end Britain’s part in the transatlantic slave trade. “On behalf of my British ancestors, I wish to sincerely apologise for the terrible atrocity committed on that rueful day 200 years ago,” he said. “When the trading of slaves
in this country was finally prohibited, it brought to an end a glorious era of long and sustained economic growth. “Were it not for that heinous Act of Parliament, passed in 1807, we would still be enslaving negroes today.” G r i ff i n ’s speech received rapturous applause from the audience, who were dressed uniformly in GRIFFIN: white, pointed hoods. However, many questioned
afterwards why it had taken Griffin so long to make the apology. One BNP member, whose great-great-greatgrandfather was forced to take early retirement when his slavemerchandising business suddenly became unlawful, said Griffin should apologise to the ancestors whose inheritance was made depreciatingly smaller by British people like William Wilberforce. “I respect Griffin for what he has done today and I am
aware that he was not directly involved in what took place in 1807,” said the BNP activist. “But it would be nice if he could at least write to my father, who has never quite got over the fact that our family’s wealth has been in terminal decline ever since the abolition of the transatlantic slave trade. “We have tried trading other commodities, such as blood diamonds, but nothing quite beats the resale value of a fit, young nigger freshly shipped across the Atlantic to the New World.” Immigration key driver of emigration - page 12
SPORT: Bumper coverage of all the latest animal cruelty and ball abuse. Check out our massive sports section over two whole pages; 39 and 40.
I love the way he picks his nose
ROMANTIC: John Kerry (left) and William Hague (right) at a candle-lit trade summit
HAGUE: My private life is none of your big business, ok?
‘No comment’ on rumoured affair with Kerry
FOREIGN Secretary William Hague has denied claims he is deeply in love with US Secretary of State John Kerry. The Tory cabinet minister allegedly thinks Kerry is a beautiful man, both inside and out. "Hague is pretty head-overheels," a government insider said. "He'll do anything that man wants him too. Kerry has his heart and soul. "He is ready to give himself to him, completely." The MP for Richmond (Yorks) continues to try to keep his infatuation a secret, despite being caught with his pants around his ankles while watching TV archive footage of Kerry's 2004 speech to the Democratic Party Convention. Rumours have persisted that Hague had fallen for him ‘in a big way’ ever since Kerry was chosen to succeed Hillary Clinton last year at the State Department, bringing him into close and intimate contact with his opposite
number in Westminster. Political commentators said the love affair was the only plausible explanation for why Hague was happy to allow the sovereignty of his own government to be ceded to the US corporate machine, through the proposed Transatlantic Trade and Investment Partnership (TTIP). "Hague will do anything for Kerry, whether giving him his coat to keep him warm, or signing a new bilateral free trade deal that will open Britain to potentially unlimited compensation claims from US firms upset about regulations designed to protect the public from harmful business practices," Gay Times editor Darren Scott explained.
"While the Tories are holding a referendum on the European Union over concerns the UK is giving away too much power to bureaucrats in Brussels, Hague
seems only too happy to let John Kerry caress his inner thigh." Negotiating texts between the EU and US on mechanisms by which corporations will hold governments to ransom, to enable them to destroy social and environmental health protections, will be viewable by business lobbyists but not the public. CCTV footage of Hague giving Kerry a thorough handshake at the White House visit will also be withheld from the public domain. Hague said he was looking forward to entering into more private discussions with his US counterpart in the near future. "Talks are going well, thank you", he said. "However, may I please remind journalists that my private life is indeed just that - private. I do not wish to fuel any further speculation as to which base I've reached with John, or exactly why I've agreed to his demand that US corporations tie me up and spank me hard."
Eleven thousand Home Office staff missing in Dover ABOUT 11,227 staff from a government department are missing, presumed dead. The Home Office employees are believed to have undertaken a 68.4-mile mass migration across London and Kent earlier today, but have not been seen since. Witnesses said they saw the workforce exit the department’s Marsham Street offices in Westminster shortly after 9am. One recounted: “They were in single file, led out first by [Home Secretary] Theresa May and her other ministers, then by the top civil servants and so on until the receptionist walked out and locked the front door behind him. “It was quite eerie, it was almost as if they were entranced. I asked one of the cleaners where everyone was going and he just said ‘Dover’ and carried on walking.” Further witness reports throughout the day indicate that the department’s entire roster of staff had collectively walked to the nearest Barclays Cycle Hire docking station, taken the nearest available bike, and promptly cycled through London and, subsequently, the county of Kent. An extraordinarily long convoy of Boris Bikes was spotted in Dartford, Gillingham and Canterbury before all 11,227 staff arrived in Dover shortly after dusk. No sightings of the department’s employees have been made since. The only clue to solving the mystery so far is a press release issued by the Home Office communications team just five minutes prior to the disappearance. In it, a spokesman for the government department said ministers were working on an amendment to the UK-US extradition treaty which would allow White House officials to attach the British citizens they wanted extradited to long-range missiles, prior to any court appearance. The press release also said that May had agreed to hide under the bed of anyone the NSA suspected of wearing a Che Guevara T-shirt. “All further enquiries will be redirected to the Department of Homeland Security,” the statement concluded.
DOVER: Like the White House, but cliffier
8 PROPER NEWS
HUNT: Saving lives will be illegal
ON THE HUNT: Minister keeps axe handy
Prince Philip dies on hospital trolley
NHS hospital defends treatment of elderly racists
THE Duke of Edinburgh has died in a hospital corridor after he was left waiting on a trolley for 13 hours. Prince Philip, 91, from Windsor, had been admitted to an NHS hospital after suffering a recurrence of a bladder infection but, upon arrival, could not be found a bed. The semi-retired tourist attraction was treated for his crippling pain while he waited on a collapsible trolley, but overstretched nursing staff failed to notice when he fell unconscious shortly after he shouted a sexist remark. His devastated grandson, Prince Harry, 27, told The Tax-
man: “It’s as if The Duke wa not important, he was just left to rot behind a vending machine.” Mr Harry, his voice cracking with emotion, continued: “If there had been enough beds, or staff, I’m sure my grandpop could have had his own wing, or at least a ward. “I’d like to blame hospital management, but to be honest, it’s our own fault for thinking we could be handed anything decent in life for free.” Mr Harry said his family usually paid for private healthcare out of their own subjects’ pockets, but decided to try the NHS after discovering its existence during
the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games. He added: “The National Health Service sounded like a really good idea, but it looks like London 2012 spent more money advertising it than the government has on providing it.”
WE, here at The Taxman, don’t make the truth easy to find. And why would we? We’re professionals. Professional storytellers. Don’t you trust us? Don’t you trust that what we do, that
what we do with your truth, behind closed doors, is for your benefit? Sometimes we make things up, we admit, but it’s only because we care so much for the truth, and it’s only ever by ‘accident’.
SAVING lives will be made illegal by a new 'Death Bill' currently making its way through Parliament. Anyone caught doing CPR, telling their mate to quit smoking or organising a campaign to save their local hospital will be thrown in jail under powers granted by the new law. Health secretary Jeremy Hunt pioneered the white paper as a way for him to swing his axe wildly in public, wherever he likes. It comes after the Tory cabinet minister was prevented from axing Lewisham Hospital's A&E department last year by a petition, a few placards and a High Court judge. Mr Hunt said: "The Save Lewisham Hospital campaign proved that a determined group of concerned citizens can come together to prevent something harmful happening to their community, and succeed against all odds. "They must now be punished for that, because this government firmly believes there is no big role for society in the way this country is run. "When a judge rules that the Secretary of State for Health cannot close any old hospital he likes, one realises exactly how screwed up Britain really is." The Death Bill will provide an exemption for doctors em-
We just want everyone to get their fair share. We collect the truth not just from you, but from everyone, based on a sliding scale of how much truth we deem to have happened to you. And our stories, our stories
ployed by the private sector, making them the only people authorised to save lives. It means NHS staff will have to risk jail in future if they want to continue doing their jobs. "Until now private healthcare providers had been at a competitive disadvantage thanks to the ginormous subsidies the NHS receives each year," continued Mr Hunt. "This law is a way of leveling the playing field. It will apply to everyone outside of the private sector. If you try to save a life, whether or not it is your job, you will be punished. "People who fundraise money for cancer charities, donate an organ, or intervene in a robbery, will all become law-breakers. "So no-one try to be a hero. Got it?" It will be people's individual responsibility to ensure that if they suffer a life-threatening injury, they are only treated by a private doctor. Otherwise, they could also be guilty of an offence under Hunt's Death Bill. "Anyone who tries to protest against my new law will be beaten by the police. And as soon as anyone who isn't a private doctor tries to treat your injuries, you'll be arrested. "Check mate, Lewisham!”
are our way of distributing that truth. Of spreading it far and wide. Fair and firm. If we don’t seek the truth, then, who shall? Whom do you trust? TBC
Freezing your grandmother now ‘cheaper than ever’ Save a fortune on cost of murder LETTING your grandparents freeze to death is now ‘cheaper than ever’ according to the ‘big six’ energy firms. The frustrated offspring of old fogies across Britain are celebrating the huge savings to be made from finally dispatching the elderly members of their family after the latest series of price hikes came into force.
E.On, British Gas, Scottish Power, nPower, EDF and SSE are all raising their prices by several times the rate of inflation - but described the price hike as a ‘great opportunity’ for customers to cash-in on their inheritance. One doting grandson told us, here at The Taxman: “My grandma’s annual bill is going up by 8.7 percent, so if I turn her heating off now I’ll save £100 of my inheritance for each year of her life that I will have prevented her from living. “Which is great, because otherwise that money would have just gone straight to those greedy selfish bastards at E.On.” An E.On spokeswoman tried to justify the price hike. She said: “As promised, the savings to be made from letting your gran die of hypothermia in her armchair while staring at a blank TV screen are now bigger than ever. “It’s just part of the reason why so many people are switching to us.”
A director from British Gas, which raised prices six percent shortly before announcing a ‘coincidental’ six percent profit rise, said the price increase the company had decided to make was beyond the company’s control. He said: “Our customers will all have to pay a lot more per month to receive the same service as they have been receiving since they were born, or if not, maybe slightly worse. “But what needs to be made clear is that this price rise will be totally balanced out by the savings made from not needing to use your fridge-freezer during the next cold snap.” EDF, meanwhile, issued a statement saying the company had been forced to hike customers’ bills because no-one from the government had ever tried to stop them, so fuck it. “What we offer is a confusingly wide range of tariffs that enables our customers to choose the most suitable method for getting ripped off,” EDF explained on its website.
“And, if you still can’t find a tariff you like the look of, you could always choose not to buy gas or electricity at all. Your grandad will freeze to death within days, meaning you’ll finally get your hands on his vinyl collection. So it’s not all bad.”
JUST LIKE BEING OUTSIDE: A cup of tea only prolongs the agony
The Tory energy minister Michael Fallon, whose party decided to sell off Britain’s gas and electricity infrastructure 27 years ago, said the billions of pounds in profits being made by our lovely energy providers was a just reward for the way they had revolutionised the industry. Mr Fallon told a dark, freezing room that may or may not have had reporters in it: “Of course the big six energy companies deserve their profits. “Privatisation has improved the way
gas is delivered to people’s homes. “From being a largely pipe-led infrastructure in the 1980s, it is now mostly a tube sort of network. “As for electricity, haven’t you noticed how much faster it is now? “Boy, have those subsidised energy companies earned the multi-billion-pound profits they’ve made since they were handed the energy market on a silver platter with bells on in 1986.” China is to blame - page 27
Public Notice Good day. This is a public announcement from Her Majesty’s government. We would like to warn you of a grave problem that must be acted upon immediately. The matter has arisen not due to a foreign invader or shortage of resource, but because of your careless lifestyle. The problem is climate change, and it has been caused by you. If it wasn’t for you and your stinking cars, your low-budget airlines and your fucking dirty oil rigs, we wouldn’t be in this bloody mess. Look. Look around. Children are dying because of you, you fuck. Every time you boil more water than
you need, another one pops it. Dead. Because of YOU. That’s why it is so important that you reduce you carbon footprint immediately. Please recycle, please change those inefficient light bulbs, get loft insulation, get solar panels, get a fucking wind turbine. Do all of it. And while you’re busy reducing the price – sorry, demand – for carbon, you must trust Her Majesty’s government that all of this coal and oil and stuff we keep digging up is going to be kept safe and secure from anyone who might dare burn it. You must trust us that building more airport runways
is in your best interests.You must trust us that the best way to cut car traffic is to build more roads, not cycle lanes. You must trust us that prospecting for new oil wells and subsidising the coal industry is the right decision for our future. Oh, and while we’re at it, we need you to keep buying stuff. Yeah, that’s it - stuff. We need you to fill all your homes with pointless, plastic crap that’s going to break the moment you switch it on. Lest we risk compromising our long-term economic growth. Oi! Is that a saucepan with no lid? You fucking murderer.
10 PROPER NEWS
PICKLES: My vision for greenless Britain McCATHEDRAL: Believe in the power of the mighty Big Mac
NEWS IN BRIEF Conversation groups ‘totally speechless’ AWKWARD silences are spreading rapidly across Britain, but conversation groups are saying nothing. The lack of banter is now so severe it threatens to make extinct several chatterbox species, including even the receptionist. “I don’t know what to say,” an unusually sombre radio DJ grudgingly told us, here at The Taxman. “Oh God, please let me hang up.” Water coolers have been abandoned and hairdressers are cutting hair. Adding to the mystery, people living in some of Britain’s national parks have reported hearing the echoes of ancient conversations that took place thousands of years ago.
North fuels London EXCESS winter deaths in northern England will be used to fuel London’s economy. The deceased Northerners will be burned at a new corpse-fired power station, and the profits shared among City coporations.
Sat nav profit boost PLANS to privatise the public mapmaking service Ordnance Survey have boosted shares in companies that sell satellite navigation systems. The firms say they ‘can’t wait’ to make Britain’s maps completely unreadable.
Famous landmarks such as Edinburgh Castle and Stonehenge will also be converted by retail and restaurant chains, while brownfield sites will become home to skyscrapers of at least 75 stories high - and will be obliged to fly giant Union Flags from their roofs. Communities Secretary Eric Pickles, pictured above right, barked: “There’s too much countryside, you hear? “I can’t believe we’ve been growing trees and plants and all that rubbish when we could have been growing the economy. BRITAIN will be tarmacked and covered with giant billboards visible by air passengers from 30,000ft in plans announced by Eric Pickles. Every last inch of green space on these islands will be sold off in a bid by the Department for Communities and Local Government to “grow Britain’s green shoots”.
“We need more supermarkets, more offices, more shopping malls, more kebab shops, more pork pies, more scotch eggs, more, more, mmm bacon.” The National Planning Policy Framework introduced by the government in 2012 - which replaced 1,000 pages of planning law with a postage note - had
left conservationists wondering how Britain’s green spaces and architectural heritage would continue to be protected. Now they have received their answer. Eating a Big Mac, Pickles scoffed: “I don’t give a damn about some shabby, 15th Century, thatched excuse for a cottage. If it can’t be cheaply converted into a McDonald’s, it has to go. “As for the countryside, you don’t seriously expect a Tory government of rural-based MPs to care about such triviality, do you? “We could not give a Peak District about your precious nature trails, protected woodland and ‘areas of outstanding natural beauty’. “As far as we’re concerned, every square inch of land has a price tag, and it’s about time we put it all on the market. “I want the whole world to know that Britain is for sale, and she’s well-placed to advertise your product or service to anyone flying over us on their way to Norway.”
Second-home owners unable to get on third-home ladder A SHORTFALL in housing is pricing out many potential first-time third-home buyers. The decline in the supply of affordable mansions and a sharp rise in the viewing figures for Escape to the Country have combined to create a ‘perfect storm’ in the market for multiple dwellings. The chairman of the Third Home Ownership Foundation (THOF) said in an interview with The Taxman that the crisis in property accumulation was now so severe that struggling second-home owners were being forced to actually rent out one or other of their properties to skilled, or, in some cases, semiskilled professionals. “We’ve got thousands of second-home owners out there just desperate to buy their third home, and subsequently their fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh and so on until they can afford their first
out-of-town retail park. “But because of a lack of desire from government to build more mansions or introduce financial incentives to encourage large families to ritually slaughter their children, second-home owners are being completely frozen out. “Personally, I blame immigrants.” The THOF chairman said government should reduce further or even abolishentirely the council tax secondhome owners have to pay on their holiday cottages, plus introduce a new levy on people who only own one home, “to punish them for struggling with their mortgage”. Such a move, the THOF chief told us, could provide the catalyst needed to kickstart the third-home market and narrow the gap between the have-a-lots and the only-have-a-fews.
MONOPOLISED: No chance to buy home No. 3
“Quite frankly,” he continued, “I think it’s a disgrace so many homes in this country today are being occupied 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, because there just isn’t the supply we need of nine-bed, detached, gated homes in places like the Cotswolds or thpse bits of the Chilterns that aren’t ruined by HS2.
“At present we have an awful situation where decent middle-class people are being forced to give up on their dream of owning several homes each manifestly bigger than what they need, and instead make do with properties barely big enough for my collection of stag heads.”
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But really, there is nothing to worry about.
Badgers cull politicians in bid to stop idiocy epidemic THE nation’s top badgers have agreed to a widespread cull of politicians in a bid to stop rampant idiocy getting out of control. The move was made amid fears that politicians are passing their idiocy down the food chain to more important animals such as earthworms and hedgehogs. At the Badgers Against Idiocy Trust (BAIT) meeting yesterday, head badger, Bidge Bodge, said it was about time we got to grips with this terrible disease afflicting the enormous but severely underused brains of people. “Bish bosh, that’s what we should do. On the head. Until they die,” she said. “The idiocy has to stop. Can you believe it? If our brains were that big, we would think. “It’s a shame humans don’t use their brains to think. “Imagine what they could achieve if they did.” There was unanimous agreement among the set-owning badgers of BAIT that politicians and land owners should all be killed with rifles and wooden spoons, and their battered bodies eaten by starved foxes.
“Our number one priority should be to protect earthworms, insects, mice, dead birds, strawberries and hedgehogs, because they are all a higher class of creature and should be protected from idiocy at all costs,” said Miss Bodge. “And then we can eat them safely.” A report commissioned by BAIT showed killing politicians would reduce levels of idiocy initially, but be counterproductive in the long term. Continued Miss Bodge: “Our research has shown that as soon as we start killing
TRIGGER HAPPY: Badgers say they hate the way politicians keep digging holes in the UK economy
politicians, they will flee in all directions and hasten the spread of idiocy. “Despite this obvious flaw, and the fact that killing things is not very nice, we’re going to plough ahead anyway because we’re badgers and we’re not supposed to be clever and considerate.
“We’re also fond of killing.” Politician, Owen Paterson, reacted: “This is a huge setback for the government as we were planning to infect every living creature on this island with intoxicating, overwhelming idiocy. “Sadly, it seems some of you lot are
more intelligent than we had anticipated.” He added: “Oh good god, what is that? What is that? “No, no, don’t hurt me, please, please don’t hurt me.” Jeremy Clarkson made minister for road safety - page 14
12 INDIFFERENT NEWS
JOHNSON: I started UKIP for a laugh he played while writing features for the Daily Telegraph. “Look Cammy, I have to confess, it was me all along,” wrote Johnson.
JUST JOKING: Boris Johnson is such a riot
MOMENTS after David Cameron said he would start taking UKIP seriously, Boris Johnson admitted the party was an elaborate practical joke he started in 1993. The Mayor of London explained in an email to the prime minister, BCC’d to The Taxman, that the UK Independence Party had begun life as an editorial prank
“I started UKIP as a bit of a drunken jolly to tickle the fancy of Telegraph readers. To my eternal shame, the party now appears to have been taken seriously by an awful lot of Tory voters, who have now switched allegiance and are threatening your job as prime minister. “How annoying that must be for you right now.” UKIP candidates are winning literally tens of seats across the countryside, after repeatedly bashing the black before sinking all the remaining colours in quick succession. But Johnson warned Cameron not to pander to the
party, despite a surge in its popularity that polling experts predict will scupper any hopes of a Conservative majority in the next general election. “Davey boy, I urge you, whatever plans you might have to avert the political threat from those cheeky scamps at UKIP, taking them seriously is the last thing you want to be doing. “No-one likes an old bore who can’t take a joke.
“Just lighten up camster, it’s a bit of banter. They’re a whimsy, a laugh, a comical tour de force riding roughshod through your plans for a second term. “And they’re all my doing. I started UKIP. It was me. Aren’t I hilarious? Good luck in 2015, matey.” Nigel Farage drinks pint of milk - visit the-taxman.co.uk
Refugees fleeing torture ‘wimps’ ASYLUM seekers, refugees and all immigrants that look a bit tanned are just cowards too scared of getting their genitalia hacked off, David Cameron told a group of Daily Mail readers. The prime minister confirmed that anyone now arriving in Britain without a valid skin tone would be sent back to Bongo Bongo Land, or whichever jungle they came from. “They smell don’t they? They’re definitely not hygienic,” Cameron explained. “They need to integrate more and join one of our very welcoming, traditional community groups like the English Defence League, or the Masters of Fox Hounds Association. “Cause if they don’t, we’re going to throw them out of an aeroplane somewhere near Calais. “The filthy fucking frogs.” Cameron said he thought it was
wrong that so many foreigners were better at doing our jobs than we were, but it was also our own fault for getting made redundant. “Whoever came up with this idea of an open jobs market, what a pleb,” Mr Cameron coughed. “It’s not what free enterprise is all about. No-one should be given an equal chance in our British society, least of all those backward folk from countries that we battered for hundreds of years by wave after wave of imperialist rape, murder, slavery, warfare and torture. “Basically they’re wimps.” The Conservative Party leader’s comments pleased the official spokeswoman for the north of England, Gillian Duffy, who hates everyone. “Get ‘em out,” she spluttered. “Noone deserves to live ‘ere. Except Alan Titchmarsh, he’s lovely. “Maybe if we left him here on his own he could make a water feature out of Rochdale.”
Immigration key driver of emigration
New arrivals to blame for departures
THE new number one reason for Britons moving abroad is people moving to Britain. Immigration was named top of a list of reasons for British emigration, above tax-dodging, wealth, and the previous top reason, delusion. “All day everyday, Britons whine on and on about immigration,” an Office for National Statistics (ONS) spokesman explained. “Then they go and buy a villa in Spain. To be honest, it makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a blunt spoon.” Another popular country for Britons to bugger off to is France. French National Front leader, Marine Le Pen, told us, here at The Taxman, that immigration was a key concern for the people of her country as well.
She explained that British migrants were hated because they refused to learn the language, wore bad clothing and were responsible for a huge surge in white-collar crime rates. “Je deteste ces batards Anglais venant ici et habiter de notre etat,” said Madame Le Pen. Asked whether he thought immigration was really a big problem in Britain, Australian aboriginal leader, Mandawuy Antikirinya, said: “What? “You ring me up on a reverse-charge call, to ask me, an aboriginal, if I think you’ve got an immigration problem? “I tell you what, you colonial fuck-wit, if you did have – and trust me, you don’t – it would only serve you fucking right for oppressing half the world over 300 fucking years, you cheeky fucking bastard.”
Nigella Lawson separates from father after finally realising who he is TV cook Nigella Lawson says she will cut all ties to her father after pictures emerged of him abusing the economy in the 80s.
Ms Lawson wants nothing more to do with Lord Lawson of Blaby, who deregulated the banks when he was Chancellor
of the Exchequer in Margaret Thatcher’s government – causing the 2008 financial crisis and ruining everything.
Said Nigella: “The relationship with my father has broken down due to irreconcilable differences and the state of the country.”
The curvaceous cook will be returning to our TV screens later this year for a new series of Reality Bites.
War on peace No page to be left unturned
NATO forces in Afghanistan say their next military invasion will involve storming the headquarters of the Oxford English Dictionary and amalgamating the words ‘war’ and ‘peace’ into one single, bloody entry. The operation will involve killing everyone in sight including passers-by who happen to get in the way, while urinating on any survivors. Once complete, NATO say the word ‘peace’ will no longer have its own definition. Instead it will simply state: “See war.” NATO Secretary General Anders Fogh Rasmussen told The Taxman: “Once we’ve finished slaying the Afghani people, our war with the dictionary will be our most blood-soaked ever – no page will be left unturned. “The North Atlantic Treaty that we are charged with upholding certifies our desire to live in peace with all peoples and governments.
“The only way we know how to do that is by carpet-bombing those evil shits who define peace as nothing to do with killing. Well guess what, assholes, it does!” As the only North Atlantic victims of
a pre-2001 Al-Qaeda attack, since 2001 the United States has succeeded in overseeing the organisation in Afghanistan of several further North Atlantic Al-Qaeda attacks; while murdering thousands of innocent Afghani people, slashing adult literacy rates, cutting life expectancy and plummeting the nation’s human development index to make it officially the poorest country outside in sub-Saharan Africa and the fourth poorest in the entire world.
“We’re getting there,” Mr Rasmussen continued. “What you failed to mention is that opium cultivation is up by about 2,000 percent. Score!” Meanwhile, plans for the Oxford Dictionary invasion - codenamed Operation Shoot Em Up - remain sketchy. “All I can say is, it will involve killing. Lots and lots of painful, bloody death and gore,” continued NATO chief Rasmussen. “Did I mention killing?” A dictionary spokesman said: “I’m not worried. If I hide in a filing cabinet they’ll take ten years to find me. “Oh, and by the way, ‘codenamed’ should have a hyphen in it.” Heroic mice vs evil rats - page 20
Join the British Killing Squad You’re born, you cry, you grow, you don’t get enough love from your father, you bully, you miss school, you get into fights, you’re aggressive, impatient, misogynist, pliable, easily brainwashed.
want you there by politicians who don’t care.
You join the military, you obey orders, you learn to shoot, bomb, kill, you enjoy it, you shoot, it feels good, you kill, you laugh, you murder, you joke, you bomb a school, a hospital, a village, it’s fun, your friends die, your legs get blown off.
You’ll walk across minefields, carrying a rucksack half your weight in temperatures hotter than you’ve ever experienced. You won’t have a choice.
You cry, you’re sent home, you’re depressed, traumatised, mentally ill, disabled, you’re given painkillers, antidepressants, counselling, it doesn’t help, you drink, you binge, you kill yourself. Live a life limited by those you submit to. Join the British Killing Squad.
You’ll be sent into dangerous situations with inadequate protection and bad equipment.
Because it’s more than just a job. It’s a badly paid job where you’ll spend months without seeing your family or getting laid or going out and having fun. You’ll be told what to wear, what to look like, how to act, what to eat, when to sleep, where to go, what to do. You’ll have no rights, no freedom, no future. You’ll be sent to occupy foreign countries that don’t
But it is your choice to join. To sacrifice your life to help boost a politician’s ego, an arms manufacturer’s profits and an oil magnate’s vintage car collection. So why are you waiting? It’s not as if the government is providing you with any non-murderous jobs to apply for.
14 TYPICAL NEWS
Rail bosses devise innovative new way to delay trains
Signal failures ‘too boring’
LEVEL crossings in Britain will be reconfigured to make trains stop and wait for passing motor vehicles, the government has announced. Rail passengers will have to stand and watch streams of road traffic whizz by, as train services are forced to patiently give way. The move is part of a drive by government to make Britain’s rail users so angry that they all spontaneously combust. Ministers aim to eliminate demand for train travel by 2030, eventually replacing Britain’s ageing rail network with a new light-speed rocket system that will cost commuters a billion pounds for an off-peak single
and won’t stop within 100 miles of anyone’s house.
Network Rail chief executive Peter Henderson said: “Everyone hates it when you’re trying to get somewhere, only for a train to come along and force you to sit in your car like a lemon for five minutes as it passes. “But rail passengers technically don’t have any human rights since the government put in a clause exempting them from the Human Rights Act. “So all we need to do is turn the barriers 90 degrees clockwise and the trains will have to stop instead.”
WAIT HERE: Our mock-up of the view train drivers will be faced with in future
The cost of converting all 7,000 of Britain’s level crossings will be met by introducing rail tolls, collected while train drivers wait for a big enough gap in traffic to pass through. Passengers who don’t wish to be kicked off their service will be asked to pay a sum determined by how good a mood the ticket inspector is in. Transport secretary Patrick McLoughlin enthused: “It’s beyond us why anyone still bothers to buy a train ticket these days, I mean, we’re trying so hard to put everyone off. “Prices have gone up again,
way above inflation, but still they keep coming. We’ve kept passengers imprisoned in their carriages for days without food or water, yet they survive.
“Even when we added more first class carriages to try and suffocate the common folk, they found a way to live. They’re like turds which won’t flush.” A new government cap on rail fare increases hasn’t stopped an average rise this year of five per cent. “Raising fares is obligatory, but it’s our new plans for high-speed
Jeremy Clarkson made minister for road safety
JEREMY Clarkson has been made Minister for Road Safety in another perfectly sensible government reshuffle. The Top Gear presenter was drafted into the newly-created position at the Department for Health, where he will offer pedestrians a “refreshing new approach” to being mown down. Prime Minister David Cameron told the House of Commons: “I’d like to welcome Jezza to the House, where I’m sure he’ll feel right at home alongside the other climate change deniers, fraudsters, homophobes and Murdoch sympathisers I have installed on the front bench. “As can be seen regularly on my eponymous Freeview
television channel, Jezza brings with him a wealth of cautious driving experience to the government.” Clarkson said he agreed to take the job only on condition that his ministerial car was a Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder and that he was given full access to Margaret Thatcher’s corpse. “Some say David Cameron once left one of his kids in a pub,” the Chipping Norton resident divulged. “And he appointed as his head of comms the ex-editor of a newspaper that deleted the voicemail messages of a 13-yearold murder victim. “All I know is, he’s paying me six figures to do a job I don’t give a flying monkey shit about.” Among Clarkson’s duties will be driving fast cars without looking where he is going, driving fast cars while chronically tired because he needs to get to Oslo faster than Hammond and May on a boat, and flirting with Cameron (Diaz). While backbench Tories are overjoyed at the appointment, critics have called it the most psychopathic reshuffle since a pack of cards was sent to Anders Breivik, who, incidentally, has been named Minister for Multiculturalism in the Department for Race Equality.
rail that will really sort them [rail passengers] out,” continued McLoughlin. “We’re going to spend tens of billions in order to build a brandspanking new super railway that absolutely no-one will be able to afford to travel on. “Dozens of clean, empty train carriages will zoom past at 250mph on a viaduct, as prehistoric trains on the old rail network are either broken down, stuck at a red signal, frozen to the tracks, waiting at a level crossing or bursting into flames. “Lets see how many resist the roads after we’ve built that.”
NEWS IN BRIEF Emergency services to be replaced by shops and offices POLICE stations, fire stations and various hospital wards will all be demolished and replaced by shops and offices equipped with first-aid kits, a fire extinguisher and a few suits from G4S. The government claims the buildings that house our emergency services pose a major threat to the life of Britain’s sick economy and must be sold to palm oil conglomerates before they cause any more damage.
Bloody tube drivers NEW research shows that 36 percent of tube drivers in London give blood.
Tony Blair is an American spy NSA recruited former Labour prime minister aged ten, files show TONY Blair is an American spy who has been working undercover as a politician since the 1970s in order to become prime minister and destroy Britain’s civil rights. National Security Agency (NSA) documents leaked by whistleblower Edward Snowden have finally exposed the true identity of the man who most people assumed had lied about Iraq, but probably not much else.
However, by conning his way into 10 Downing Street, Blair – real name Randy Berger – was able to introduce wave after wave of legislation eroding civil liberties in the UK and allowing the United States to use Britain as a treasure trove of personal data. “Actually, this all makes perfect sense,” Jack Straw, the former home and foreign secretary, admitted. “We all went along with the extradition treaty, the ID cards and the detention without trial stuff, you know, because Blair told us we would all be richly rewarded in heaven if we did.
“But, now I come to think about it, Blair never grew a beard while he was in office, despite promising he would at every single cabinet meeting. “How could I have been so stupid?” US President Barack Obama denied all knowledge of Tony Blair’s 50-year employment with the NSA, which continues to this day. Obama added: “Regardless of these unfounded allegations, I wish to place on record my undying thanks, on behalf of the American people, to Agent Berger. “We are eternally grateful, and will remain indebted to you for so long as you shall live. All praise to thee.” According to Snowden’s leaked documents, Randy Berger grew up in El Paso, Texas, the son of two actors who taught him how to lie convincingly using hand gestures. He was hired by the NSA in 1963, at the age of ten. The day after the assassination of John F Kennedy, Agent Berger was put on a plane to London and planted inside a boarding school in Durham, where he assumed his new identity and set about his
rise to become leader of the Labour Party – a feat he achieved upon the death of former leader John Smith in 1994. Blair’s inevitable election as prime minister in 1997 gave the NSA complete control of the British government: Its long-term strategy had finally paid off. But Britain has been paying for the consequences ever since. Previously leaked NSA documents showed Blair’s government had allowed America to store and analyse the email, mobile phone and internet records of potentially millions of Britons.
The Labour Party initially denied its former leader and longest-reigning PM was an undercover agent, but has since released a statement describing Agent Berger as “the greatest, most convincing spy in history” who “remains available to hire as an after-dinner speaker”. Agent Berger’s current whereabouts are unknown. He was last seen at the switch-on of the Christmas lights in Bethlehem.
RANDY: Agent Berger likes his Molotovs thrown, not tossed
We’re the only hope you’ve got!
Can’t find work? Had your benefits taken away? Been made homeless? You’re probably
hoping there’s a major political party out there which has promised to stop the Con-Dem Coalition’s cuts.
Has your local A&E ward been closed down? Fire station under threat? Library converted into a betting shop? What you need is a viable
opposition to this wanton destruction, a party which is planning to reestablish all of these important services as soon as it gets into office.
Can’t afford those darn university fees? Worried about Muslims? Been
miss-sold PFI? You probably think you can vote out Cameron and Clegg
Okay, so, in the 70s there were loads of power cuts and strikes and a loan from the IMF.
We got booted out after a vote of no confidence in 1979 and couldn’t get back into power in
the 1980s despite the spawn of Satan occupying Number 10. When we returned in 1997 we
deregulated the banks, privatised anything that moved, launched an illegal war, took away your civil rights and gave £50billion to a bunch of crooks.
But look, we’ve changed a little. We’re run by Ed Miliband and Ed Balls now. Neither of us
supported any of the bad things the last Labour government did to further our careers. No,
this is a different Labour Party, run by different people with different agendas.
We’ve learned from the mistakes of the people from that last fascist Labour government, who
and get a completely different type of government.
weren’t the same people as us. We’ll never take our founding principles and flush them down
your problems, and create a couple more for luck, because we’re nice like that. But don’t just
This is why, if you vote for us in 2015, we’re going to do something different to what the Con-
Well, you’re almost right! The Labour Party is back and we’re going to try and solve one of
take our word for it. Look at our track record.
The first Labour government in 1924 built half-a-million homes for rent by the working class.
Our government of 1945-1951 created the welfare state and the National Health Service.
In the 1960s we legalised homosexuality and abortion. Weren’t we awesome 50 years ago?
the toilet, in the same way they did. Harriet Harman is retrieving them now with a plunger.
Dem Coalition is doing right now. Not substantially different, but sort-of different. You know.
Sound appealing? No? Well, Clement Attlee isn’t complaining. And he’s still alive, right? Go on, vote for us, we’re the only hope you’ve got. Aren’t we?
16 WORRYING NEWS
Archbishop says gay marriages ‘can take place in my closet ’ THE Archbishop of Canterbury has said he would be happy to conduct same-sex marriage ceremonies in his bedroom closet. The head of the Church of England, The Most Reverend Justin Welby, said that God always intended marriage to be a lifelong union of one man and one woman, unless no-one knows about it. “We have to be very clear about homophobia,” the former oil magnate said, in some sort of special sermon. “In God’s eyes, everyone is equal ex-
NEWS IN BRIEF
cept the gays, but if they pretend to be straight, they can do what they want.” Gay marriage has become legal this year for the first time but an exemption in the law allows the Church of England to continue to ban fag unions. Archbishop Welby said the church was “very firm” on its view, but that he’d had a word with Pope Francis. “The Pope reminded me that God works in mysterious ways, and that closets were the best place to experience that mystery.
“I could even conduct them in my silk pyjamas.” David Cameron and the Prince of Wales were among the guests at Canterbury Cathedral. After the Archbishop’s sermon, the pair looked at each other
FREE MAN: Jim Davidson is still free to host gameshows, win reality TV series and poke fun at benders and the brown people RACIST television personality Jim Davidson has not been jailed, Operation Yewtree detectives have confirmed. The former Big Break and Generation Game host was widely assumed to have been jailed for child sex offences, before he showed up on Celebrity Big Brother in January. The Ministry of Justice has now admitted he had not been incarcerated for any crime and has been allowed to roam freely among the general population. A spokesman soberly explained: “We can confirm that shortly after 6pm this evening a sad, four-times-divorced 60year-old bigot who goes by the name ‘Jim Davidson’ was not
Savile ‘Britain’s shame’ CHANCELLOR George Osborne has said it was “Britain’s shame” that TV paedo Jimmy Savile was never stopped from ruining people’s lives. The former Top Of The Pops viewer has been allowed to attack young people for four years despite being such an obviously crooked, depraved creep.
COMING OUT: The Archbishop
quizzically before both making a dash for the gents. The occasion was also notable for the involvement of someone without a penis. “Steady on love,” Rev Welby told The Venerable Sheila Watson, Archdeacon of Canterbury. “You can’t just pray that the dinner will cook itself.”
Jim Davidson has not been jailed
Discrimination is ‘hard work’ DISCRIMINATING against people based on their race, gender, sexuality, class or other predetermined characteristic is a lot more difficult than it used to be, a survey found. Being prejudiced and getting away with it now requires planning, strategy, and a work ethic that is beyond the capability of most stupid, narrowminded people. Nationwide research suggested homophobic B&B owner Susanne Wilkinson was not the only bigot struggling to pursue her hatred. “Previously, I could just use my religion as an excuse,” she complained. “Now, one has to actually plan and co-ordinate these things. “It’s not fair.”
“I told Pope Francis that the Anglican church was not quite as salacious as they are in Rome these days, but that closet weddings might become a regular event in my bedroom.
being held in custody. “Although his name has been mentioned on numerous occasions with respect to Operation Yewtree, and despite our detectives arresting him last year and asking questions connected to this complex and long-running investigation, Davidson has not been charged with any offence. “No, not even rape.” Among the laws under which Davidson has yet to be convicted are the Sex Offences Act, Disability Discrimination Act, Race Relations Act, Sex Discrimination Act, Equality Act and Trade Descriptions Act. The homophobe has also not been charged with any offence under the Terrorism Act, despite dedicating his entire career to the incitement of hatred. Following the news this evening shocked members of the public took to Twitter to express their rage. “OMG. Big Break for Jim Davidson. Can’t believe no-one noticed him knocking all those blacks,” said one. “Jim Davidson obviously knows how to play the Generation Game. #WatchYourKids,” added another. Other high-profile zealots who have not yet been charged under Operation Yewtree – the Met Police investigation into the sexual abuse of children by Jimmy Savile and others who may or may not also be called Jim – include Des Lynam, Jeremy Clarkson and that horse-racing guy.
WHOM do you trust with your truth? The unprofessional, the amateur? On what basis is he qualified? On what grounds do you trust him more? No, you are wrong. We are the arbiters of truth, and you shall consume it from us. Only us. You can complain and you can whine but one day you will accept and you will understand.
And then, and then. You will see the favour, the grace, the glory, that The Taxman has bestowed on these lands. We work for Her Majesty. We are Her Majesty’s favourite newspaper. We exist above the government, not underneath it. Only from a height such as ours can you obtain perspective. TBC
HORROR SCOPES: Find out what awful calamity is set to befall you and your friends this week on page 28
iPaedo will change the way we can abuse little children, says Apple TECH giant Apple has said its brand-spanking new device, the iPaedo, will revolutionise its ability to abuse children. At the big opening of the firm’s latest must-have gadget, chief executive Tim Cook described the portable sex toy as a master “stroke” that would enable Apple to dominate the market in human rights violation for years to come. He told a room full of excited media people in Mianus, Connecticut: “Getting caught with your pants down really
sucks. Well, with the iPaedo, you’ll never be charged with a sex offence ever again. “So long as you carry this device, any children you come into intimate contact with will be automatically silenced for the rest of their lives.”
Tech sexperts have pointed out, however, that the iPaedo’s tiny battery life would render it useless during those long weekend abuse sessions, while its incompatibility with rival devices
and file formats would frustrate many established paedophiles. A Computing For Paedos reviewer asked: “Sure, it looks great, it’s portable, it’s got loads of functionality, but how is a Catholic priest supposed to play all his hundreds of AVI child porn videos?” Mr Cook rebutted such worries. He said: “The iPaedo will be fully compatible with flashing, while its abuser-friendly interface opens the back-door of child exploitation to a wider pornographic.
“Abuse today is chiefly the preserve of the morally vacant and religiously oppressed. My vision is of a future where everyone has the toys required to abuse children, free from fear of their windows getting smashed.” The iPaedo is currently being mass-produced at a giant maternity ward in Mongolia, providing much-needed employment opportunities for postnatal mothers and their sexy infants.
Mr Cook said the device will
hit shelves and children in July, marketed at the bargain price of just one soul. He climaxed: “I’d just like to thank the global media again for coming all the way up into Mianus, only to see a dirty old man play with his gadget. “I hope to see you all again at the next big opening. “Don’t forget to bring your pencils and your rubbers.”
Death-trap factories are this season’s must-have accessory - page 32
Buy this phone! It’s shiny! Quick, look, check it out! It’s our new amazing phone of awesomeness! This little beauty is going to literally change your life, for the next 18 minutes. Never again will you need to remember anything. Our patented thought-recognition technology can access your brain and retrieve the information you need at the push of a button and the correct submission of your 23-digit security code. Tired of doing the dishes? Bored with cooking the same old crap every day? Feeling lonely? This phone will do all that and more. Much more. We promise you, it is utterly incredible, just fantastic, the best thing on the market since that phone we released last week. It will control your social calendar, your relationship status, your career, your bank account, your moral compass, your sex life and your mood swings.
What more could you want? A phone that can imitate your voice and conduct conversations with people on your behalf? Okay then, you got it! All this, plus, exclusive to us, the ability to morph into other inanimate objects. Told you it was amazing incredible fantastic! Now, we must warn you, that this phone is the size of a house and will break at even the merest hint of a collision with a sponge. Which is why we offer a full money-back guarantee that if this happens before you’ve walked out of the shop where you’ve bought it, we’ll replace it immediately. And of course don’t forget to keep this phone charged up. Its battery life is an estimated 35 seconds. Give or take.
Give war a chance
EVERYBODY’S talking about diplomacy, amnesty, treaty, democracy, unity, harmony, tea, coffee and the plight of the honeybee. All I’m saying is give war a chance. How can the United States of America be the ‘land of the free’ if other lands are free as well? There is no freedom without war. But Great Britain voted for peace and now the whole world wants a piece of it too. All I’m saying is give war a chance. How will the arms dealers put food on their tables if we continue along the road to harmony and love? Let the bombs drop and the guns fire, they weren’t built to sit idle in the attic, unused, ignored. We can’t punish countries for killing people unless we can kill them too. All I’m saying is give war a chance. If children are allowed to grow up without any scars, without witnessing any horror, any pain, who are they going to want to kill in revenge after they become grown-ups? A couple of wars go on too long, a few million people march the streets, and now everyone’s a pacifist. If Gandhi had given up that easy, India would still belong to the Queen. Peace never achieves anything. All I’m saying is give war a chance. Why, for once in our species’ existence, can we not just give war enough time, enough room to flourish? For once, I beg, let’s put some real effort into this thing. Let’s get some money together, let’s force a few thousand to fight and see what happens. Let’s see where it goes, let’s see if bloodshed and death can finally change the fortunes of the world. All I’m saying is give war a chance. There is not a problem it cannot solve, you know. Just ask Churchill. Just ask Truman. It worked for them. Why shouldn’t it work for everyone? At least they had the guts to use the nuclear bomb. In the ‘home of the brave’ a man only becomes a true man once he’s vapourised a couple of cities. All I’m saying is give war a chance. Everybody’s talking about negotiation, cessation, demonstration, resolution, conciliation, arbitration, United Nations, United Nations, United Nations. What’s the UN ever done for us? Don’t listen to John Lennon, Martin Luther King, Tony Benn, Nelson Mandela, Aung San Suu Kyi or Brian Haw. Listen to Nixon, Thatcher, Bush, Bin Laden, Bush and Blair. Don’t give Bashar al-Assad the chance to kill all those children. Give war a chance to kill them first.
Nick Clegg: ‘I really am very, very sorry’ Twitter: @taxman_news
The Deputy Prime Minister explains why he’s sorry - and why we’ll all be sorry too
ELLO, my name is Nick Clegg. This is a newspaper column that I have been allowed to write, and, if it's alright with you, I'd like to use it to grovel. Now, as you may know, I'm the Deputy Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. I was hired to do this job after my party finished third in a general election four years ago. When I meet people around the country, and read the hate mail my office receives each day, it's obvious that a lot of you want to harm me and my Liberal Democrat colleagues physically. I understand that this would only be in self-defence against the harmful things we have had to do to you since we chose to be in government. You are perfectly entitled to want to cause me pain, because myself and my party have caused you pain. Great, searing pain. Many of you tell me you're glad that there's only one more year left before we lose all our MPs. However, I also meet people who say they cannot bear to live through another 12 months of the wretched existence that we have had to give them because it was the only responsible thing for us to do. All of you are, of course, depressed and dejected that the only party leader who sounded remotely trustworthy and believable at the last election was forced to break the written pledge he and his party had made within six months of taking power. I admit it: Our promise not to raise tuition fees was a mistake. A big, huge, colossal mistake - of epic proportions. When we made that promise, we never intended to break it. But when we were unexpectedly given power and had the choice of whether or not to break our promise, we did. And that made us look bad. That's why it was a mistake. So I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. In fact, I promise you that I am sorry. And I pledge that if you vote for us again in 2015, I'll still be sorry. I also realise that this isn't really good enough. I'm not good enough. My party is pathetic. We're all losers. But you know, the truth is, we had to break our promise. We had to because we're politicians, and breaking promises is just what politicians do. We say whatever we need to say to get elected, and then we do whatever we want to do when we’re in
power, regardless of what we said before. We knew this would happen before the election, and we warned you about it. We admitted that all politicians did was lie. And then we asked you to vote for us, a political party. And you did. You voted for us. That kind of makes you a little bit stupid, does it not? Basically, we were just doing our jobs. We don't want to be politicians, but we are. Therefore we break our promises. The reason you're upset is because a few politicians did political things. Grow up. If burglars turn up at your door and whine on and on about how all these other burglars are so awful because they want to knick your telly, would you invite them in for a cup of tea? You clearly would. Because you're an utter, total moron. Now, when you've made a mistake, you should apologise. I've just apologised for mine. What about you? Are you going to admit that you were wrong to ever think that I, a politician, wouldn't break a promise? I want to give you the chance to apologise to me, face to face. This year I am embarking upon a tour of the country, in which I will attempt to apologise to as many people as possible. This will also be the perfect opportunity for Liberal Democrat voters to admit that they were wrong, too. Join me on The Nick Clegg Apology Tour, and let's apologise together. Then, in 2015, we'll make the same mistakes all over again. (Tickets won’t cost more than £30, I promise.)
Capitalism, communism, or what?
APITALISM isn’t perfect, but what’s the alternative? Surely not communism, the old socialist malarkey that spawned Joseph Stalin and Ed Miliband? Don’t be silly. Communism failed really badly and lots of people were held in slavery and were worked to death. Which never happens under capitalism, obviously. Communism was dark and dreary and everyone was made to wear the same boring clothes and eat the same boring food. At least under capitalism everyone can afford to dress well and eat healthily. That’s not to say that capitalism doesn’t have any flaws. Of course it does. The boom and bust of the financial markets can sometimes cause an inconvenience for people, the rioting can sometimes cost a lot of money to deal with, and the exhaustion of our natural resources might one day annoy our children. But you wouldn’t rather live in an organised, planned society, would you? At least riots are unpredictable. Thing is, whether you like it or not, there’s no choice. Capitalism won the Cold War. There won’t ever be a Second Cold War. So get over it. Truth be told, the only people who really complain about capitalism are the people who can’t be bothered to work hard. You see, unlike communism, if you work hard you get your reward. Always. Capitalism proportionately rewards
people based on how talented they are and how hard they work. These are the only two factors determining whether or not someone succeeds. It is the basis of how capitalism works. Just ask George Bush. Now, I know what you’re going to say. In Britain we still have a few state-funded public services. Like healthcare and education and stuff. Which is kind of a bit socialist, right? Well, there’s some truth in that argument, sure, but you need to look at the bigger picture. Some capitalist countries, like the United States, are able to get away with very few public services. Others, like Germany and France, still retain quite a large chunk of socialist nonsense. In Britain, we’re sort of halfway between the capitalist heaven of America and the capitalist compromise of the continent. So what’s the rationale in each of these countries? We’re talking about the difference between small-state capitalism and big-state capitalism. But it’s still capitalism. At the end of a war, governments are beholden to the people who won it for them. They must decide how many public services to provide in order to prevent an uprising. But that level will be different for different populations.
Americans are, on the whole, very smart people. Which is why they’ve recognised the benefits of small-state capitalism and free-market fundamentalism. And now they are clearly reaping those benefits. In Europe it’s a bit trickier because the French and the Germans and all that are a bit more stupid. But at least they’re still capitalist. In Britain we went along the European route for a while, but eventually we realised that we’d over-egged it slightly. Once the war generation died off, we started to cut the state back. And we’ve kept going ever since. This is called opening up your economy. Some people call it privatisation, but they’re just bitter because they’re not the ones who will be owning any of it. Now, what’s the point in explaining all this? Well, a lot of people have started to complain about the liberalisation of our economy. They say that small-state capitalism is not the way to go. These people are clearly communists. Because to move in the other direction – that is, to socialise – is to move further from freedom and closer to suppression. You see, public services are inherently bad. Stalin proved that. Thatcher and Blair and Cameron, on the other hand, have proved how wonderful life can be
when we shrink the state. Capitalism and communism are our only choices. And one of them is very obviously shit. There’s no mistake about that. Societies and economies must be constructed around one or other of these radical ideologies, rather than by independent assessments of what it would or would not be a good idea for the government to control. Instead of saying, for example, that anything vital to public life should be state-run, we apply the same rules to the production of champagne as we do to the production of drinking water. I don’t see a problem with that. Capitalism is capable of compromise, as Britain has shown previously, but it’s not something that’s going to be tossed around willy-nilly. The people must first threaten communism. Any other type of threat just isn’t going to be scary enough. And that’s why any ridiculous talk of there being an alternative to capitalism or communism is just that. Ridiculous. As soon as you reject the contrasts of black or white, and introduce colour, it becomes too confusing. No-one can see what’s going on anymore. So rather than find some sort of cackhanded alternative to two flawed ideologies, we must continue to perpetuate the same trusted, reliable system. After all, capitalism seems to be working pretty well right now.
20 CRAZY NEWS
Heroic mice vs evil rats
Inter-rodent rivalry leaves thousands dead, millions more burrowless HORRIBLE disease-spreading rats have been heroically slain by a special breed of super mice assassins who deserve to be worshipped by all other mice. The raid hit at the heart of the Great Evil Rat Empire and severely weakened the resolve of its leader, Roland. His hopes of fathering a murderous rat megalitter are over, for a few minutes at least. None of the super heroic mice assassins survived the mission, and despite reports that some
evil rat victims may in fact have been innocent, wholesome gerbils, super mouse chief Mickey said the operation had been a complete success.
He squeaked The Taxman: “In the middle of all this we may accidentally kill the odd gerbil or vole, but any innocent rodents we lose now will be far outweighed in number by those we will have saved from future rat attacks.
“We have a difficult job to do in wiping out the evil rat race, but now is not the time to waiver. We mustn’t forget that they are rats, after all, and they are far less deserving of life than any mouse, hamster, chinchilla, guinea pig or lemming.” The scourge of the rat has cast a long shadow over the Rodent Kingdom for many days, but the end may be in sight. Rodent leader, Brer Rabbit, has reiterated that “all of us rodents are in this together” and
that “to stop killing rats now would jeopardise our quest for peace”.
Thousands of super mice assassins remain stationed close to the heart of the Great Evil Rat Empire, many engaging in heroic missions to chop off rat tails, eat rat babies, ignite rat nests and generally make life hell for those evil rats who survived Tuesday’s rat holocaust. “Our mission would be so
much easier if those damned evil rats hadn’t set so many mousetraps along the path to their kingdom,” munched Brer Rabbit. “Thankfully, not all of God’s creatures eat cheese.” Evidence of foreign invasions found in Palestine, Korea, Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, Panama, Grenada, Kuwait, Iraq, Lebanon, Bosnia, Serbia, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Yemen, Libya, Somalia, more - page 30
Chess extremists slaughter tiddlywinks player TWO chess extremists brutally murdered a tiddlywinks player in front of dozens of shocked onlookers. The pair brandished a range of sharpened implements, including rooks, as the tiddlywinker lay dying in the street. Reports suggest one of the chess players may even have possessed a queen. Police arrested the attackers shortly before one of their pawns reached the end of the street. The terrible act of terrifying terrorism occurred directly outside a community hall where tiddlywinks tournaments are known to take place on a regular basis. The victim, as yet unnamed, was allegedly wearing an ‘I Love War’ T-shirt.
In video footage obtained by The Taxman using blackmail, one of the chess players is seen talking about why they committed the atrocity, shortly before police arrived. He said: “Waah holoholabah erugh dubedobedo! “David Cameron blaaah! Government pow! Afghanistan bang bang boom! “Check mate check mate check mate check mate check mate check mate.” In the hours following the terrifying terror attack, tiddlywinks players have been warned not to flick any counters into cups in public. Sales of I Love War T-shirts have also exploded as
people across the country unite in solidarity against chess players in the Middle East. Grandmasters condemned the attack, while secretly sharpening their pawns for their next atrocity. One former British chess champion attempted to defend his pathetic board game. He said: “These two murderers have misused chess. They have clearly not understood the rules. “Chess is about advancing your army on the opponent, taking all their resources and expelling the king.” Home Secretary Theresa May said the atrocity proved that the government needed to shut down extreme chess clubs, steal everyone’s laptop and invade Iran using horses and clergymen.
Alien invaders ‘still hopeful’ for Arctic oil Shell Oils urged not to give up ALIEN invaders looking to colonise Earth have said they are still hopeful a vast reserve of petroleum oil hydrocarbons would be found beneath the Arctic seabed.
MELTING: Greenland etc
The species, which wished to remain anonymous but confirmed it was watching us closely, has put its tentacled support fully behind human efforts to oxidise the planet’s subterranean store of fossilised carbon in as few orbits of the Sun as possible. “Don’t be disheartened by your inability thus far to access the anaerobically decomposed remains of deceased organisms beneath one of Earth’s two frozen extremities,” said an alien spokesthing in a statement beamed directly into The Taxman’s Fleet Street basement. “Just keep fucking digging, darn it.” Royal Dutch Shell has failed so far to locate Arctic crude oil.
D’OH: Aliens know it won’t be long before humans fuck up Earth
In 2012 one of the company’s rigs ran aground in Alaska, and it has halted its Arctic drilling campaign ever since.
“Shell’s failure does not precisely correlate with our expectations, if we’re honest,” alien spokesthing continued. “We remain confident Shell will align its drills with a vast reserve of oil hydrocarbons expeditiously; however, those pesky Greenpeace activists who keep impeding their progress must be exterminated forthwith. “Else we’ll kill the goddam hippies ourselves.” The alien invaders also explained how they were travelling through the universe in
search of a new habitable planet, since they inadvertently destroyed their own. “Our own planet, Penny Blossom, was perfect in so many ways,” said spokesthing, flailing its limbs and drooling from the mouth. “There were beautiful grey acidic oceans and luscious brown dusty canyons. But that was before we started burying carbon dioxide. “Before we could cease our CO2 obsession, Penny Blossom was six degrees cooler and its seas had begun to glaciate. And I can’t emphasise enough how much we darn well hate ice. “So, we left to find a new, warmer world, and we noticed how splendidly well humans
were insulating Earth. “We predict your planet will become habitable at approximately 18.37 hours on 25th August, 2032, at which point we’ll vaporise your species and establish our foreign colony.” In 2012 summer ice cover in the Arctic Ocean reached its lowest extent ever recorded, greatly increasing the area in which oil conglomerates such as British Petroleum, Exxon Mobil, Gazprom, Cairn Energy and, indeed, Shell Oils can search for new fields. “Go Shell go,” added alien spokesthing. “Go Shell go, go Shell go, go Shell go, go Shell go, go Shell go, go Shell go, go Shell go. “Go Shell go.”
Go green, buy this! Want to continue living an excessive lifestyle of gluttony and waste, but worried about the impact you’re having on the environment? Well worry no more, because we have all the green solutions you need. That’s right – everything you want, everything you need, everything you didn’t realise you wanted or needed, all here, and all green. We’ve got green cars; green 4x4s; green flights; green gas for your central heating; green electricity for your dishwashers, plasma televisions and Christmas light displays.
We’ve got green petrol for your green sports car; green coal for your power stations; green food imported by NASA from Mars; green computers that don’t have an off button and even green crude oil for those occasions when lighter fluid just isn’t enough. So what are you waiting for? Take the opportunity to dispense with your guilt, and pretend that everything is going to be okay. Those liberal wankers say we have to cut back to save the planet. We say: You can’t save the planet without consuming more products. Green products that is! Green. Green. We’re green. We sell green products. Buy them. Buy them now.
22 OLD NEWS
Missing child ‘still missing’ A WHITE British blonde-haired girl who disappeared in Portugal seven years ago is still missing. There are no new leads, no more suspects, no discoveries of lost video footage of her last known whereabouts, and absolutely no new sightings. Everyone in the world who ever met the girl has already been interviewed by The Taxman’s Missing Blonde-Haired White Girls Reporting Unit, while the police say they just want to be left alone now please.
FLEET STREET: Empty
However, in a dramatic twist, the girl’s father revealed: “She’s still fucking missing! I can’t believe it. “Despite trying really hard, we still haven’t found her. “Do keep looking.” The continent-wide appeal to find the girl, who is still four years old because time stops for adorable missing children, has led to thousands of blonde white girls being abducted across Europe by people hoping to get a piece of the £2.5million reward being offered. None of whom were our own reporters. “Forget about the thousands of other
Kate Middleton error
IN a story we ran on our front page three years ago headlined Kate Middleton murdered by Romanian plumber we stated that the Duchess of Cambridge had been savagely slain by an immigrant job-thief called Dimitrie, using a piece of lead piping and a spanner, and aided by his accomplice, the Duke of Edinburgh. We are now happy to clarify that this incident never took place and was entirely fabricated. We apologise for any offence caused to the parties concerned.
World not ended yet
IN last week’s exclusive we gave a 100 percent guarantee that the Earth would be destroyed by an unspecified cataclysm at 4pm on Friday afternoon. We are happy to confim that this did not occur after all, however, we promise we will not allow any hint of complacancy to creep into our newsroom. If you suddenly feel an overwhelming sense of impending doom, please call our Armageddon Desk immediately.
missing persons in Britain,” the girl’s daddy continued. “Finding my daughter is my number one priority, because she’s my daughter, and, let’s face it, because I’m partly to blame for her disappearance. “I don’t see why finding her shouldn’t be everyone else’s priorty, too.
“So if you’ve not done anything to help us, I hope you feel guilty.” Tumbleweeds have rolled across Fleet Street at a fairly consistent rate ever since the girl - who likes horses - went missing in May 2007. Stories that have been ignored by the media during this period include 1,750,000 other instances of people being reported missing in Britain, plus the discovery of a comet which is on a collision-course with Earth in 2015. Meanwhile, the Missing Blonde Girl Fund has now surpassed the amount the government spent on bailing out the banks in 2008. The money collected will be spent on a new advertising campaign specifically targeted at astrounauts on the International Space Station. Princess ‘still dead’ - page 23
Old people more likely to die Shock research links ageing and human mortality
BRITAIN’S old folk are more likely to die than their younger counterparts, a chilling health report has warned. Blanketing the over-65s with a thick veil of extreme terror, the Healthcare for Dummies article has sent chills down the spine of old people everywhere. OAPs – who until reading the eighth word of the intro were blissfully unaware of their impending doom – are this morning waking up to the savage realisation that they will all die very, very soon. “Oh my goodness gracious,” said an 84-yearold from Ipswich in her first and last interview with The Taxman. “I’m going to die? I never knew.” The old dear’s last words were: “I’m positively outraged. Why has this evil government been keeping the
truth from me all these years? Why have all my taxes not been spent on finding a cure for death?” But the Healthcare for Dummies report explains that the probable killer of most of Britain’s 12 million pensioners will be a right-wing tabloidnewspaper-induced heart attack. A very fit 21-year-old spokeswoman said: “Every day these poor, vulnerable old folk read the latest pile of exaggerated, alarmist shit from the pages of the Daily Mail and Daily Express. “With each scare story they read, their poor little hearts will skip yet another beat. It’s a tragedy waiting to happen – very, very soon.” The report says a possible cure to so-called ‘old age death’ would be a nationwide media ban on large-font headlines in capital letters, and a requirement on all
GRAVE DANGER: Medical boffins have found conclusive proof that the chance of death does increase with age
newspapers in Britain to report stories fairly, accurately and proportionately. “Our calculations show that if the Daily Mail and Daily Express were removed from the households of all persons over the age of 50, Britain’s life expectancy would sky-rocket to 102 years,” the report concludes. “Then our only cause of death would be that new killer
frog virus from Colombia. That thing sounds scarier than those mop-wielding asylum seekers who keep burning down France.” Meanwhile, warnings that man-made climate change will lead to a global health catastrophe have gone unreported. North Korea launches nuclear prank warhead - page 31
Princess ‘still dead’ A PRINCESS who died after she was tricked into entering a tunnel at high speed by the Queen is ‘still dead’, according to sources.
The ‘People’s Princess’ remains in a defunct state, somewhat implausibly, despite the unbending will of her followers and the courageous efforts of seven vertically-challenged billionaires. “It’s awful,” said one. “We assumed she’d wake up eventually and marry another prince, but she just keeps on remaining dead - constantly.” The billionaires hope that by talking about the princess a lot and hiring other people to talk about her as well, she’ll
come back to life and finally exact her revenge on those who killed her. “They’ll pay for what they did, one day. Until then, they’ll live a life of unimaginable luxury, while we wallow in the filth of our relative poverty.” Be sure we will always provide a reliable organ for the desperate musings of the Princess’s followers, regardless of their merit, because our marketing team insists that profiting from her death is the best way to honour her memory.
Super pill’s side effects finally revealed
TARMACKED KNOLL: The infamous London street where Roche ‘died’
Suspicious circumstances surrounding conspiracy theorist’s sudden death SUSPICIOUS circumstances surround the death of conspiracy theorist Patrick Roche, author of the book Elvis Died in a Bathtub. Roche, 44, was hit by a bus five months ago as he crossed Streatham High Road in London and was killed instantly – or so we have been led to believe by the establishment. But new evidence has emerged, from nowhere, that challenges the original verdict of ‘accidental death’. On an internet message board, unanswered questions have been raised, casting doubt over the official series of events leading to the death of Roche, who also directed The Great Gravity Conspiracy.
A social outcast, known only under the pseudonym of ‘Gaz4eva’, pointed out on a Roche fan site that there was clearly a “second bus”. “The CCTV footage shows Roche being hit by a bus, however, what it doesn’t show is Roche being hit by a second bus,” wrote Gaz4eva. He added that the fatal injuries sustained by Roche “obviously” could not have been caused by just one double-
decker bus travelling at 30mph. “The police are hiding this fact because it was the 109 to Croydon.” In a reply to the message, forum regular ‘Gigantous23′ certified that the bus driver had once taken a trip to Africa. “In December of 1982, Roche’s killer was living it up in Namibia,” they wrote. “The Namibian government obviously paid him a ransom to take out Roche 24 years later while working anonymously in public transport.” Gigantous23 had previously questioned why Roche’s body had splattered in the way that it did after being struck by the bus. “Anyone who knows anything about biology knows that human bodies just don’t splatter that way,” read the forum post, which concluded with three winking smilies. In a separate thread, a loner known as ‘FOGboy’ gave further credence to mounting suspicion that Roche’s death was not all that it seemed. “What about the note in his jeans pocket?” he asked in a post titled Lucy Pinder has the best melons. FOGboy continued: “It mentions the milk, the eggs, the birthday card; but what about the baked beans? It’s a
proven fact that Roche’s cupboard was devoid of baked beans that day.” The message-board veteran said the note was obviously a cryptic message, which when deciphered would read: “Namibia wants me dead.” It was Roche’s father who originally began the speculation surrounding his son’s death in a statement following the coroner’s report. Roche senior said: “He was such a good boy, he always looked both ways before crossing the road.
“He’d never been run over before. Except by a milk float, and when he ran himself over after parking his car on a hill. “But other than that, he was so careful.” The distraught father, who hadn’t seen his son for the last 25 years of his life, continued: “Why was the nearest ambulance so far away? Why did none of the bus passengers have return tickets? And what’s with that traffic cone? “I bet those damn Namibians planted it. It’s so obvious. They wanted my boy out of the picture so they could invade Botswana.”
IN a story we published two months ago entitled Miracle cure for everything we stated that a new ‘super pill’ available in Austria could cure every disease known to man. This was never intended as a guarantee and any inference readers may have taken from this report is entirely their own responsibility. We would, however, like to take this opportunity to list the known side-effects from this pill, which were omitted from the original report because of editorial constraints. They include nausea, vomiting, infertility, obesity, cancer, cannibalism, photodermititis and rabies. We apologise to all those who have died after taking the pill and are delighted to announce that a new Super Pill Victims' Fund has been launched in their memory. You can donate by calling our premium-rate phone number on 0845 080 8080.
Scroungers revelation not quite right
IN a shocking exposé in 1993 we cited new evidence which proved that benefits claimants were 148 percent more likely to rape your daughter and kick your dog in the face than good, honest, hard-working taxpayers who have never scrounged a penny from the state. It has now been pointed out to us that this story was wrong. Sorry. We also claimed that people on benefits deserved to die and will be sent straight to hell when they do. This was also wrong - but we’re not sorry.
Noticed a mistake?
OUR owner runs the new press regulator, the Independent Press Standards Organisation. You are welcome to write to him, if you like, but he’s a very busy man. Good luck.
24 SPECIAL FEATURE
The Germans are
Armed only with Wikipedia and three frankfurters, our investigative caretaker sets out to discover once and for all just which country is best at killing:
THE Germans. Don’t you just hate them? They talk funny, they’re well organised, and then there was that Holocaust thing to boot. No wonder everyone in Britain loathes them. Whether it’s gassing Jews, building great cars or bailing out Greece, there’s no shortage of reasons to hate the Krauts.
And that’s not even to mention the football. Germany have three world cups against England’s solitary win. What utter bastards. But sport is not the only way to judge a country, don’t you know. So let’s set the record straight, once and for all. Just which country is best? The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, or Germany? There is surely only one way to measure a country’s greatness. And that is to count the number of foreigners it has killed. Starting with the unification of Germany in 1871, I have been busy scouring the interweb to find as many instances of imperialist bloodshed perpetrated by
Germany these two nations as possible. Strap in. It’s going to get bloody. In 1871 the British Empire was in full swing, while Germany had not a colony to its name. This would later change, but in the meantime, Britain was too busy slaughtering 3,000 indigenous Māori in New Zealand to give a Bismarck. Between 1876 and 1878 the latest in a long line of famines was to hit British-controlled India. While started by drought, the Great Famine would surely not have killed an estimated 10.3 million people had the colonialist Lord Lytton not exported 300,000 tonnes of grain and rice during the period. Another 19 million later died in famines in India under the British, which researcher Mike Davis blames on colonial policy. Britain’s second foray into Afghanistan (we’ve been killing there on and off since 1839) resulted in 5,000 dead between 1878 and 1880, while an attack on the Zulus in South Africa killed 6,000 in 1879.
HERO: Winston Churchill was Britain’s No.1 killer
Another colonial outpost, Sudan, suffered 28,000 casualties in the 1884-1889 Mahdist War, which also featured a cameo by top Brit warmonger Winston Churchill.
Then there was the infamous Boer War in South Africa, which nicely laid the foundations for Apartheid all those years later. The conflict was notorious, at the time, for its use of concentration camps, an excellent killing tactic that was later plagiarised by those pesky Germans. Between 1899 and 1902 the Brits killed 48,000 in them, and 14,000 in the war itself. Back in Asia, Britain set about murdering 5,000 Tibetans who mistakenly thought they had a right to claim independence. Doing well, Britain, doing well. But what of those Germans? Haven’t they got themselves an empire yet? Well, yes, indeed. And a navy big enough to challenge ours. Cripes! But before the First World War
could begin, Germany decided to get some killing practice at its new shooting range in southwest Africa, an area now known as Namibia. It was there between 1904 and 1907 that 75,000 Africans were slaughtered. Not bad, Germany, but you’re still no patch on the British at this juncture. The Great War sure did put Germany on the map, though. Despite getting their arses kicked, the Central Powers killed a total of nine million, compared with the Entente Powers’ meagre seven million. Understandably, after surrendering to the British in 1918, the Germans laid low for a little while. Very low. This gave them the time to plan for a lot more damage later on, but in the meantime, the British went back to doing what they do best. Killing foreigners in their colonies. A series of wars in Afghanistan (again), Turkey, Iraq and Palestine between 1919 and 1939 put another 28,000 innocent people into a nice early grave. In Germany, Hitler was now in charge, and about to wreak havoc. But could he kill enough
people to match the feats of the British in recent years?
The Second World War saw 37,000,000 killed either by the Nazis directly, or by countries in its Axis of Evil. The number includes the six million people killed in the numerous concentration camps of the Holocaust, but does not include the ten million Chinese killed by Japan before it officially entered the world war after Pearl Harbor. As impressive as this sounds, Britain would win again. Its secret probably lay in the fact that, to do so, she and her Allies only had to kill eleven million from the Third Reich. This figure includes the two atomic bombs dropped on Japan, an American mission given a firm stamp of approval by good ol’ Churchill. Germany once more laid low after the defeat, and would never again wage a war of its own making. Only as part of that great modern killing machine, the North Atlantic Treaty Organisation (NATO), would German troops be used in battle again. And not until the last decade of the century.
good for nothing Britain’s Second World War victory, however magnificent, had cost so many lives and so many resources that it could no longer carry on with its empire. Still, in the last 200 years, it had lived the imperialist dream. The partition of India which soon followed cost 500,000 lives as the various religious groups pushed and shoved their way to the right side of the border. Between 1948 and 1960 there
was the Malayan Emergency (it wasn’t called a war for insurance purposes) which killed 7,000; and, between 1950 and 1953, Britain also stuck its nose into the Korean War, which killed 700,000. The Suez Crisis is generally considered the end of the British Empire as it was then known, but Britain went down fighting with the slaughter of 3,000 Egyptians.
And, somewhat secretly, the Brits found time during the swinging sixties to kill 200,000 people in Yemen. Pow!
Sadly, from this moment henceforth, Great Britain would forever be trumped in the imperialist stakes by the United States of America. The Vietnam War didn’t even feature Britain. There was the Falklands War,
of course, but at only 649 Argentinian casualties, it barely even seems worth mentioning. Britain would fight alongside Germany for the first time in the NATO campaigns at Kosovo, where 6,000 Kosovan Albanians were killed, plus our old stomping ground of Afghanistan, where an estimated 30,000 Afghans have been killed so far. However, Iraq in 2003 set the two countries on a different path
ZERO: Adolf Hitler was a big fat German
once more as the newly peaceloving Krauts declined to get involved.
Few bothered to count the number killed in the eight-year conflict, but surely it scores extra points for being illegal. We’ll call it 168,000. Now, further inevitable bloodshed notwithstanding, it’s time for the final score: Britain: 47,836,649 killed Germany: 46,111,000 killed
In summary, while the Germans were on blistering form in the first half of the 20th Century, Britain’s bloody endurance eventually won over. And to think, the scoreline doesn’t even include the transatlantic slave trade, which condemned at least 12 million Africans to being worked to death in America, having been shipped over by, yep you guessed itR Rule Britannia! What do you think? Is Germany full of massive cunts who all deserve to be boiled alive? We want to know your best ways of killing Germans. Email us: firstname.lastname@example.org
Trust me, I’m famous!
Hi there. As you may have noticed, I am a celebrity. My face is familiar to you and the artistic pursuits which made me famous may or may not have brought you a limited amount of pleasure.
Although I already have more money than I need to live comfortably, I have decided to earn lots more money I don’t need by trying to sell you something that you don’t need and help increase the profits of a corporation that is already very profitable. As someone who is both familiar and friendly, I
am well placed to make this product appear more appealing to you.
I don’t mind taking time away from my artistic pursuits to do this because I am vacant inside and will do almost anything for money.
Appearing on television yet more is also a further boost for my massive ego.
So I hope you don’t mind my additional unexpected intrusion into your life, but apart from the money and the narcissism, I do genuinely believe that this is a useful product.
Although you don’t need it and it will cost you more money than you can reasonably afford, I still think you should buy it.
Don’t let the fact that it is a useless piece of crap you could buy second-hand on eBay for half the price dissuade you from buying it right now by calling a premium-rate phone number. And don’t forget that I am someone familiar to you, who is good looking and has brought you joy. You look up to me, I can sense it. This is why you should trust me that this product really is worth buying. Honest.
26 UNIMPORTANT NEWS
Bonkers scientists say world will end ‘soon’ BATSHIT crazy scientists have said we must prepare for the end of the world because that’s what ‘evidence’ indicates will happen unless we act now to stop it. Citing a modern text which portends doom based on something called ‘the laws of physics’, cuckoo geeks warn that rising sea levels will submerge many of the world’s great cities while huge swathes of forest burn and desertify, leading to the extinction of most of the planet’s animal and plant species. “It’s because we’ve been polluting the atmosphere,” one of the deranged nerds told us, here at The Taxman, as he studied an ice core from Antarctica as if it actually held some sort of vital information that would help us predict the future. “All of the evidence we have collectively gathered across the entire spectrum of modern science points toward there being a mass extinction event caused by a rapidly warming planet, itself caused by the gases we
NEWS IN BRIEF Prince facing certain future PRINCE George of Cambridge faces a certain future, according to facts. Although for the moment parents Kate and Wills can never be quite sure when the third-in-line to the throne is going to piss all over them, if there’s ever been anything in life that’s certain, it’s that this kid is never going to owe money to the Student Loan Company. He’s also never going to be left on hold for an hour while trying to query an extortionate bill from Thames Water, or have his home compulsorily purchased by Heathrow Airport to build a third runway. These are all certainties as true as the eventual baldness of Prince George’s daddy.
have emitted through our industrial processes since the 17th Century or so. “I suggest we should start preparing for this disaster now, before it’s too late.” The vagueness of the scientific prediction has been seized upon by rightthinking critics as very good reason for why such an apocalypse won’t happen. Anyone with any ounce of common sense will point to the lack of an exact time-frame as proof the scientists are totally bonkers. An expert in logic said: “Oh sure, like we’re meant to believe the world’s about to end? Like, really? Are they crazy?
“If we were on the brink of an apocalypse that could wipe out 95 percent of every living thing on Earth, surely these so-called ‘scientists’ would be able to tell us the exact date of when it will happen? “All they ever say is ‘soon’, or ‘within the next century’, which, if you ask me, is
proof enough that they’re just deranged lunatics who will realise, come midnight next Friday, that their theory is total balderdash.” In order to protect ourselves against impending catastrophe, the scientists say we should build mammoth flood defences and provide financial assistance to areas that will be worst affected, as well as taking action to try and prevent the apocalypse from actually happening in the first place.
Added our master of truth: “Come on then, you science freaks, if the world really is going to end why don’t you put your money where you mouth is and just tell us when it will happen? Eh? “That’s if you’re not just making it all up to scare us, of course.” Will the world end? Stay alive to find out.
One-in-1000-year events now happening every Friday A MILLENNIUM is now happening every seven days, weather forecasters have confirmed. Weeks have turned to seconds, months to minutes, and in another couple of days Britain is due to receive its average annual rainfall in the same time it takes a local news reporter to put their wellies on. “Yipes,” an Environment Agency spokeswoman quivered at a press conference this morning. “We now estimate that the flood defences we built to protect you from one-in-1000-year events will keep you dry until about Saturday evening. “So, erm, does anyone have any spare sandbags?” In Someret residents are now preparing for the secondcoming of Jesus Christ and an invasion by the Romans. “This time,” a villager told us, here at The Taxman, “we’re
going to attack from the east behind them hills, and use chainsaws to penetrate their armour. “No way will we be conquered this time.” Forecasters at the Met Office are now hoping they may be able to reconfigure the parameters of time itself, to allow for the fact that one-in-1000-year weather events are now happening every Friday morning, and sometimes on Saturdays at tea-time. A spokesman shrugged: “Surely, couldn’t we just, like, accelerate the Earth’s rotational spin? Or something?” Meanwhile, the forecast for Yorkshire next week is for rain, more rain, a 7.2 magnitude earthquake and an alien landing. The Taxman‘s resident meteorologist, Jim Wetherman, said: “I had no idea anyone was living that far north.” Seven-day weather forecast - page 38
Cameron finally agrees to worsen flooding
Poo on the Queen QUEEN Elizabeth II has been covered by faeces. The excrement is positioned on Her Majesty’s head but has also splattered on to other areas of her well-dressed anatomy, as well as on to several close relatives.
CRAZY: A typical scientist
“And that’s another thing,” continued the devout rationalist. “Why bother saying there’s going to be an apocalypse if there’s actually a way we could stop it and save ourselves from these cataclysms scientists keep going on about? “Surely the whole point about the end of the world is that there’s nothing you can do about it so you might as well just sit at home and wait for death.” Drilling deep down into the Earth’s crust so as to cause earthquakes, poison the water supply and extract a gas which will cook us all to death were we to burn enough of it is another activity the scientists say is not helping us to avoid the end of the world.
FLOODING: Cameron puts his foot in it
DAVID Cameron has finally pledged to make flooding worse. The Prime Minister said his number one priority was to follow the nonsensical advice of people who might vote for him at the next election, rather than experts the government
employs to give sensible advice. The Environment Agency stopped dredging rivers in the 1990s after it realised it increased river flows and caused bigger floods downstream. But flooded voters have demanded dredging, be-
cause they’re not experts. Cameron said: “I’ll go with the voters on this one.” Farming subsidies which pay upland farmers to chop down vegetation and increase flood risk by reducing the natural absorption of water - will continue.
China is to blame Rich nations agree on climate disagreement A LANDMARK disagreement on climate change has been agreed by the leaders of the world’s richest nations. The so-called ‘disagreement agreement’ came at the end of five days’ worth of casual chit-chat, rounds of golf, back-slapping, cigar-smoking, suit-wearing, podium-posturing and capitalist profiteering. “We all agreed to disagree,” they said in a statement. “America said it wouldn’t cut its emissions before India and China cut theirs, Russia said it would think about cutting its emissions, and Britain said it was really important to cut emissions, so long as it didn’t cost any money.”
“It was an inspiring moment.” Meanwhile, the leaders of Bangladesh, Ethiopia, the Philippines and Honduras – whose countries are still suffering the adverse effects from last years’ disagreement agreement, as well as those of every year since 2001 – said yesterday that had they been invited to the meeting, hell would have probably frozen over.
Healthy planet is ‘non-viable ’
SAVING the planet would ‘cause a new financial crisis’, say politicians. A communiqué signed by all nations except those in Africa, South America and Asia said preventing a mass extinction event would threaten the ability
of banks to lend to small businesses. Avoiding a collapse of the world’s ecosystems would also cause ‘exponential inflation’, it warned. “Planet Earth’s economic recovery would be irrevocably damaged were
CHINA is entirely to blame for concentrations of greenhouse gases in the Earth’s atmosphere reaching 400 parts per million (ppm), The Taxman can reveal. Every last one of the 569 billion tonnes of carbon emitted since industrialisation began can be traced back to the world’s most populous nation.
None of these tonnes of carbon were burned to help produce any of the £1.25trillion-worth of goods China exports each year, whatsoever. And absolutely zero carbon emissions have resulted from any of the various polluting activities of individuals, corporations or governments from outside China since fossil fuels were first discovered, several hundred years ago.
we to save the environment. “A habitable world that does not reek of death could also jeopardise the capital bonds market, offshore liquidity, and the global price of pencil sharpeners. “A healthy planet is financially non-viable and we must continue subsidising fossil fuel companies.” George Osborne agrees.
The 400ppm milestone - much higher than the 350ppm level scientists say is necessary to avoid catastrophic global warming - was reached last Thursday when someone in China picked their kids up from school in a 4×4. It is the highest level of carbon recorded in all the 800,000 years of data we have on the composition of the Earth’s atmosphere. A guy from The Taxman‘s local boozer told us: “Yeah all this global warming stuff is pretty bad but there’s nothing we can do about it is there? “I heard on the news that China is opening a new coal-fired power
station every day. “That’s totally not my fault. Little old Britain can’t make a difference, can it?
“I heard the Chinese like to use coal so much, they wash with it. “Whereas we use soap.”
The Chinese government has denied the claims it is to blame for global warming, but then it would, wouldn’t it? In fact, we now also know that China is to blame for soaring energy prices, the decline of the honey bee and Manchester United’s appalling Premier League form. Western governments welcomed the confirmation of what they had suspected all along. UK Climate Change Secretary Ed Davey said: “While it is slightly inconvenient that the planet is on the verge of another mass extinction event, the important thing about this data is that it clearly demonstrates how there is absolutely nothing myself, the government, nor anyone else without a slitted eye can do to solve it. “Climate change has been made in China, just like lots of other things that are nothing to do with us. “Unless we nuke the whole country, which I am not suggesting right now, I’m afraid there just isn’t anything we can do to get atmospheric concentrations of carbon back to a level that doesn’t threaten to sink Kent.”
BUSINESS NEWS: Find out which shares you’re going to start buying when you get rich on page 34
28 HORROR SCOPES CAPRICORN
After a heavy night on the town with your regular drinking partner this week you will mistakenly give him an aspirin instead of the viagra pill he asked if he could borrow. The next day at work one of your female work colleagues will complain of sexual harassment after she suggests you take an aspirin to suppress that pounding headache.
A black cat falling onto the windscreen of your car this week will lead you to believe that this was the ‘sign’ you had been waiting for. You’ll decide to start making your own luck from now on. The next morning you will discover that the hooker you slept with the night before has stolen your iPad.
A piece of bad fortune will come your way this week as an unlucky combination of a broken alarm clock and a traffic jam makes you miss a very important meeting at work. Your boss takes an unusually unsympathetic view of this, as he will have been assaulted earlier that day, and subsequently decides to fire you on the spot.
You will be very annoyed to find that your milk hasn’t been delivered this week. Being the whiny old bastard that you are you will decide to phone the milk distributors and complain. However this will result in you leaving the iron on. Your house will burn to the ground.
This week you will be woken by the sound of a smashing window and discover there is an intruder in your house. The burglar is surprisingly quick to flee, equipped as he is with no weapon, but your decision to chase him will result in you being run over by a milk float.
After calling for the fire brigade to rescue your beloved cat stuck up a tree this week, an apparently stoned fireman will drop Molly on to the dual carriageway below. She’ll survive, but seven people will die in the ensuing pile-up.
Your mate will discover that you’ve been sleeping with his wife every Saturday lunchtime. He will violently assault you before going on a drunken binge and getting arrested. You will lose sight in one eye and your mistress will start doing yoga on Saturday lunchtimes instead.
After a heavy night on the town with your regular drinking partner this week your wife will become frustrated by your impotence and decide to embark on an illicit affair with your mate whom she has fancied for ages. Later this week you will be arrested for drunken and violent behaviour.
You will find yourself consoling your mate this week after he gets fired. His suggestion of a night spent at a casino in town, however, will be poorly judged as he encourages you to blow your entire salary “because you still have one”. The next day you will be declared bankrupt.
After running someone over this week you will become consumed with guilt for paralysing them. Unable to sleep at night, you will get hooked on the anti-depressants you now depend on to stop you from killing yourself.
Like most weeks, you will be getting extremely high on skunk, although this time you will find yourself encouraging your bankrupt mate to go ahead and burgle someone. The next morning a fireman will discover your stash of cannabis after checking to see if your house had been damaged by the fire next door.
A suicidal milkman will distract your attention from the road this week and the subsequent car crash will write-off the new BMW you bought earlier that day. Your insurers will take a dim view of this incident.
Sophie Ellis-Bextor: Wanderlust The Taxman’s music reviews are brought to you by Barclaycard Mercury Music Prize judge, Monty Silverman.
I LIKE Sophie Ellis-Bextor. Which is odd for me, because I don’t usually like women. Maybe it’s the double-barrelled surname and the posh accent that’s enamoured me. Or the high credit rating. Whatever it is, this girl oozes upper class. Her new album, Wanderlust, is exactly the sort of money-spinner credit card companies love. It’s a product guaranteed to bring in the dosh no matter how much substance or depth there is to it. Now, I don’t mean to do Ms Ellis-Bextor a disservice. I’m sure she’d make a fantastic lover. But here lies the problem: I’m a gay Mercury Music Prize judge. And, well, I’ve got the same dilemma as Craig Revel Horwood in the last series of Strictly Come Dancing. No matter how good Sophie looks in a sparkly ballroom gown, I just can’t give her my biggest digit. You see, ever since Barclaycard began its sponsorship of the Mercury Prize in 2009, it’s been desperate to shed its image as a credit card. It doesn’t want to be associated with spiralling interest repayments and rioting. The Mercury Music Prize is all about the celebration of fine music, regardless of wealth or commercial success.
Watch this and forget how evil we are!
We are a disgraceful company that has committed horrific crimes against both humanity and the environment. Abuses of all kinds have been perpetrated against people, planet, and, whenever possible, against cute animals, all under the name of our brand.
Credit ratings and class background are still important, sure, but what’s even more important nowadays is whether you’re going to look at the small print of your PPI. The problem with Sophie is, I just couldn’t screw her over. She’s too smart and too female. Before the financial crisis, perhaps. But not now. My lust is wandering elsewhere.
Eat, drink, consume! Is your government failing to cope with basic social problems such as crime, suicide, mental health and obesity?
do whatever it takes to climb the ladder and attain the social status you need to feel good about yourself in this wretched, hollow society.
Do they rule by fear, and control by aggression? Then you’ll probably want to avoid society’s failures and climb the hierarchy as quickly as possible to leave those problems behind.
Still not satisfied? Still feel inferior? Well you might as well get addicted to something. If you can’t hack it, the government’s not going to help. So just drink, take drugs, gamble, over-eat, or kill yourself.
And do you feel inferior compared to your peers? Don’t you just want to look down on your friends and work colleagues? Are you so insecure and so unloved that you can’t feel good about yourself unless you have more and higher quality possessions than they do? Well, don’t worry, because we have just the answer: Consumption, and lots of it! Yes that’s right, consuming goods and services as fast and as often as possible is the best solution to all of your self-esteem issues. Short of money? Career not going so well? Don’t fret. Credit cards, overdrafts, loans, petty theft, drug dealing, fraud, organised crime;
After all, this is the free market. This is capitalism. This is unrestrained, neverending economic growth. In our world, the only route to happiness is consumption. All other options are socially unacceptable. Without consuming, you’ll be no-one. You’ll be nowhere. So don’t risk getting left behind. Do whatever it takes to keep up with the pack. Neglect your family, ignore your friends, cease caring about the world around you and the people you share this planet with. What matters is that you look and feel better than everyone else. What matters is consumption.
Whatever unethical activities we deem necessary for the furtherance of our profit margins, we won’t hesitate to take part in them. Habitat destruction, tax evasion, workforce exploitation; you name it, we’ve made money out of it. We’re not even going to deny it. We’ve got a nasty habit of killing things and destroying places. It’s true.
But please, before you decide to think about maybe not buying our products in such large quantities, give a little time to watching this event that we’ve sponsored. Is this event not a terrific spectacle of human endeavour at its very finest? Is it not enjoyable? Are you not entertained? The participants are motivated to try harder, not because they have any desire to attain greatness or to honour the commitments of their coaches and supporters; no, they want to succeed because of our brand. Now, think about who helped pay for this marvellous event to happen. Yes, it was us. We helped pay for some of it. That’s why our logo is plastered all over it and the competitors are also displaying our brand and name-dropping us in their post-event interviews.
Aren’t we marvellous? The organisers of this incredible event could have chosen any corporation, out of the millions that exist, to sponsor it. But they didn’t just choose any corporation. They chose us. This just proves that despite our flaws, we are still a reputable brand. And you can trust us to continue to use the money we made from other people’s misery to bring joy and happiness to other, richer people. It’s because we care, you know.
30 INTERNATIONAL NEWS
CUBAN WAVE: Obama
Nobel Peace Prize detained at Guantanamo
Presitigious award could join other inmates in hunger strike
THE Nobel Peace Prize won by US President Barack Obama has been detained at Guantanamo Bay for further ‘detailed’ questioning. The prestigious gold medallion named after Swedish dynamite inventor Alfred Nobel was discovered in Afghanistan, where Obama had left it for the last five years despite promising to take it home and keep it somewhere safe. “Why has your owner not stopped me doing this to you?” yelled a US soldier as he urinated on Obama’s Nobel Prize. “I thought he’d at least give us urinals.”
The Nobel Prize was awarded to Obama in December 2009, 11 months after he signed an executive order pledging to shut down the notorious military prison at Guantanamo Bay within 12 months. It will now be kept in solitary confinement for 23 hours a day. “Why are my mates still dying for no reason?” continued the soldier as he shook off the last few drops.
“Why are more flying death robots being launched now than were under Bush? “And if Obama really did win a
peace prize, why is he still paying me to kill people?” The last remaining British resident at Guantanamo Bay, Shaker Aamer, told The Taxman how Obama’s Nobel Prize was the only thing anyone in the Cuban detention base could think about. “At least with Bush we knew where we stood,” Mr Aamer explained. “We knew we were only being held here because we had funny names and a dark complexion. “Then this guy with a funny name and a dark complexion gets elected and it’s like he’s toying with us.
Evidence of foreign invasions found in Palestine, Korea, Japan, Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, Dominican Republic, Panama, Grenada, Kuwait, Iraq, Lebanon, Bosnia, Serbia, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Yemen, Libya, Somalia, more... INSPECTORS deployed by the international peacemaking body Freedom United (FU!) say it took them less than five minutes to find ‘concrete, cast iron, bleedingly obvious evidence’ that millions of innocent civilians have been slaughtered by foreign invaders across a large swathe of the globe.
“He wins a Nobel Peace Prize and then later that afternoon he flies a drone into Pakistan and blows up a school. “Now the prize gets sent here as some sort of psychological torture, reminding us at every moment how audaciously stupid we were to ever hope that things might change.”
In the 2010 mid-term elections the Democrats on Capitol Hill lost control of Barack Obama’s thumb and forefinger, meaning the president could no longer stop himself signing laws such as the National Defense Author-
EVIDENCE: This photo appears to show a foreign invasion in Vietnam in the 1970s, although noone can say this with any certainty
And, although it may take more time for FU! inspectors to determine exactly who was responsible for the vicious, unwarranted attacks, several of the targeted countries have already pointed the finger at ‘one or other of those rich, white, Christian countries in the north west’.
ization Act 2012, which legalised indefinite detention without trial, a practice used by the military since 9/11 to jail whomever they wanted. Father-of-four Shaker Aamer has been in Guantanamo since it opened in 2002, despite even the British government saying no credible evidence against him exists. He has yet to meet his youngest son. “I mean, come on,” Mr Aamer continued. “The ‘most powerful man in the world’ doesn’t even have the power to close down one of his own army’s detention camps? “Really? REALLY?”
Syrian President Bashar al-Assad said it was “morally indefensible” that any government could indiscriminately murder huge numbers of people that were not its own citizens. “If we don’t take action now, the United States and her allies will assume that we have given them tacit approval to carry on killing people internationally using such deadly methods of expatriate horror as carpet bombs, nukes, drones, heat-seeking missiles, Black Hawk helicopters and napalm strikes,” said al-Assad. “When will these countries learn that they cannot just run about killing foreigners? What right do they think they have to kill children beyond their own borders?”
North Korea launches nuclear prank warhead LONG-RANGE MISS: Kim Jong-un keeps watch
NORTH Korea has sent shockwaves around the world after successfully launching its secret nuclear prank strike on the US state of Alaska. At approximately 12pm local time – the height of Inuit rush-hour – the North Korean ‘nuclear prank warhead’ landed and detonated
somewhere inside the Arctic Circle region of Yukon-Koyukuk County, some 2,500 miles from its intended target, Los Angeles. Upon landing, the detonation device was triggered and a 24x48 feet flag bearing the word ‘BANG’ was subsequently unfurled on an unsuspecting Alaskan public.
ave you ever seen someone who looks dodgy? Did they have a weird haircut, an odd-shaped nose or dark skin? Did they smell a bit funny or were they making odd noises? Did you walk past this person and do nothing more than pinch your nose and cover your eyes? Did you just keep your fingers crossed and hope they wouldn’t lynch you? Well, it may have been the case that this person was a terrorist. This person could have been on their way to committing an act of violent suicide with the intent of hurting others. AND YOU DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO STOP THEM! This person could easily have been carrying a gun, an axe or a spoon that they were intending to use on an unsuspecting baby. They could have blown up an orphanage or an old people’s home. You had the chance to stop that person in their tracks, and yet you didn’t. You could have been a hero, the foil to an act of terrorism. Instead, you sought only to protect yourself. You’re a selfish, treasonous narcissist. But we’ll let you off – on one condition. Next time you see someone with scuffed shoes or a nose stud, report it via our ANTI TERRORISM HOTLINE on 0999 999 9999. Tell us what the suspect looked like, where they were going and how foreign they were and we’ll discreetly eliminate them from existence. Your call could save literally trillions of human lives, and afterwards you’ll be able to tell your friends that you helped stop the next 9/11 - times a thousand!
The flag was noticed a few hours later by an Inuk fisherman, who used to make a lava lamp. Late yesterday evening North Korea’s supreme leader Kim Jong-un gave this statement: “Got you!!! Hahahahahahaha!” Jack Bauer said he wasn’t laughing.
IT’S PROBABLY NOT H I N G , BU T . . .
IT COULD BE CATACLYSMIC ! ! !
32 INTERNATIONAL NEWS
Saudi Arabian traffic police armed with penis detectors THE Saudi government has launched a new crackdown on female drivers by arming its traffic police with 'penilisers'. The waist-hi-tech device will automatically detect drivers who do not possess a valid penis - a sex organ required in Saudi Arabia for health and sexism reasons. A spokesman for the Saudi Arabian Department of Motoring And Nastiness (SADMAN) said: "Recently we have seen a spate of women driving without valid licenses, usually because we don't allow them to get one. "Sometimes these women try to cross-dress to fool us. But I am happy to say we can now check for male sex organs from the side of the road using our new penilisers.
"Saudi traffic police already use breathalyser tests to ensure female passengers are inhaling less oxygen than the males in their vehicle. "We also ask car owners to visit a garage for their annual Meccanical test, prior to the Hajj, to ensure that any women who may be driven to Mecca are safely zipped up in a black body bag, and are kept out of harm's way. "Sadly, these steps aren't enough. We are still seeing regular cases of invalid sex organs taking to the streets, endangering the lives of unborn children, as well as penis owners, and all the while leaving an ever-growing list of housework to do at home. "Arming our police force with penilisers, therefore, is a
COCKS ONLY: Saudi traffic cops are dicks
perfectly logical and rational step to take." The Saudi government has warned that anyone now caught driving without a valid penis could be made to suffer an on-the-spot chore. Don’t have a penis? Email email@example.com
Death-trap factories are this season’s must-have accessory DEATH-TRAP factories built under lax regulations in the third world are so on trend. The sweatshops work best when paired with negligible workers' rights and rampant capitalism. Most of the major high street shops are now stocking them, but for best results check out the brands selling clothes at 'knockdown prices' and with blood stains on the sleeve.
"Wow, this collapsing factory is just fabulous," Primark chief executive Paul Marchant enthused. "The cramped conditions make for excellent death tolls,
while I absolutely adore the complete lack of an integrated sprinkler system." US fashion label Gap said the teetering garment mills were such a hot item this season, they were literally on fire. "Can't you smell it?" asked Gap boss Glenn Murphy. "That's the whiff of burning child slaves. "And it's going to look simply amazing on you." However, H&M top dog KarlJohan Persson said factories didn't always have to collapse or go up in flames to make a statement on the catwalk. "It's easy to forget the importance of chemical leaks and poor ventilation to making this look work," Persson explained.
"There are many ways in which a Western clothing brand can ignore the well-being of its workers. I suggest you find the best combination that works for you."
FASHIONABLE: Ruined factory
Tory life peer Simon Wolfson, chief executive of British retailer Next, said his company's low wages and 18-hour shifts were "really slimming". Baron Wolfson of Aspley Guise added: "Trust me, you're going to look like an utter twat unless you wear one of our giant death factories." Supermarket brands such as George at Asda are also cashing in on the popularity of
the twisted wreckage from another fatal factory collapse. "Everywhere's selling 'em, but you won't find them cheaper than with us," boasted AsdaWalmart president Andy Clarke. "No-one does health and safety at a lower cost than we
THE Taxman’s truth is sometimes painful. Our truth is sometimes harsh. However, our truth is always pure and unadulterated. This is why the rich avoid us, by fleeing for exotic lands. But we are clamping down on truth avoidance and we will catch them very soon.
do. It's the Asda price promise." The hundreds of victims of multiple textile factory disasters in south-east Asia over the last year said they were happy to help Westerners save money and look great in this "difficult economic climate".
And the poor, well the poor can try to evade us. But they will always be drawn in by our golden bosom. So read on, and weep, dear reader. We are here for your pleasure. But only after the Queen has used us first. You want the truth? We are the truth.
Firearms issued to US school children THE National Rifle Association will be issuing guns to school children in a bid to curb gun crime. Following yet another spate of fatal shootings across the country, US schools will be fully equipped with a range of firearms within the next 48 hours. It is hoped that handing out these weapons to school children, between the ages of six and 18 years, will help to keep American schools secure from the threat of murderous rampages. Children under the age of six years, who have not yet completed their firearm training, will be handed eight-inch knives instead. Wayne LaPierre, executive vice president of the NRA, announced: "The problem we have in this country is the blatant lack of gun equality.
Israel invades Poland
ISRAEL has invaded Poland. The Jewish state's government says its indiscriminate killing of Poles 'unexpectedly' prompted the launching of fireworks from Warsaw, vaguely in the direction of Tel Aviv. And Israel has responded by invading Poland and claiming it as its own.
NEWS IN BRIEF Shark eaten by Australian PM
SAFETY PREVENTION: Gun training for kids
"You don't see people with guns shooting other people with guns unless you're in the ghetto. "The real problem is with people who do have firearms going into schools and shooting less fortunate people who don't.” Nearly 60 million schoolchildren will receive guns, rifles and AK47s sourced from the NRA’s warehouse in Virginia. Mr LaPierre added: “These actions should solve the problem overnight. We're delighted. "No armed suicidal maniac in their right mind is going to want to go into a school now. "If they did they'd get shot by 200 sixthgraders with sub machine guns."
"Warsaw's noise and light pollution will not be tolerated any longer," Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu told reporters as he entertained them with brunch and coffee in his living room. "Zerstoren sie! Schnell!" he blurted after they'd left. The US responded by stepping-up efforts to provide Israel with more weapons than common sense. A Hamas spokesman said: "First they steal our homes and our land, now they kill our wives and our children. “Shall we avenge their deaths, or become Jew? “Let me think.”
The NRA’s plan won backing from the speaker in the House of Representatives, Republican John Boehner. Mr Boehner said: "The main issue is that these innocent school children are defenceless. "The government has done nothing to help this situation and that is why the killings have continued. “In the absence of any action from the White House, the NRA are taking matters into their own cold, dead hands.
“We expect them to equip each and every pupil with the necessary firearms needed to protect both themselves and their classmates.” US President Barack Obama said: “What have the NRA done now? “Oh come on, surely, someone must have the power to stop these people. “Doesn’t anyone around here have any power? Joe Biden? No? “Oh God, come on! This is insane! Someone do something!”
Merkel ‘stockpiling coal’ GERMAN Chancellor Angela Merkel is believed to be stockpiling coal as part of a plan to impoverish millions of labourers across Europe. Mountains of the fossil fuel have been spotted adjacent to each of the treasuries of France, Greece, Spain, Portugal, Italy and Ireland. If Eurozone countries fail to sack swathes of their own public sector workforce it is feared the central banks at Europe’s most indebted nations have now stockpiled enough coal to avoid raising any taxes on the rich. On returning from an EU Summit in Brussels, French media reported how President Francois Hollande discovered a
mountain of coal outside The Trésor Public in Paris big enough to keep the lights of the country’s economy on for at least a year. The mountain was being protected by the German army. Mr Hollande told Le Monde: “The coal wasn’t there before I left, and now it’s here. Schadenfreude. That’s all I’m saying.” Merkel has made clear that she wants to assume control of national budgets to make sure governments weren’t doing anything even vaguely sensible in response to the Eurozone crisis. “There is no such thing as society,” Merkel told her parliament. “At least there won’t be after I’m done.”
A SHARK was eaten alive by the Australian Prime Minister after he ignored warnings to avoid government-infested waters. Witnessess said they saw the great white struggling to stay underwater as Tony Abbott clamped his jaws on its tail, close to the shoreline of a Perth beach. Several other Australian species have been told to avoid the country because of the risk posed by Abbott attacks.
Euro leaders solve capitalism with ‘more capitalism’ THE best way to solve a problem caused by capitalism is to smother it all over with lots and lots more juicy capitalism, a bunch of suited politicians have agreed. The ingenious solution to Europe’s debt and currency crises was negotiated between national leaders and their bosses, the banks, during an epic drink and drugs binge.
‘My finger slipped’ claims drone pilot A DRONE pilot who killed 31 children with a strike on a school in Pakistan said his ‘finger slipped’ just as he was preparing to blow up a hospital thought to contain a local Al-Qaeda boss.
Costa Rica rules A COUNTRY that has no army rules more than countries that do have armies. Costa Rica, which abolished its military in 1949, is ranked top of the Happy Planet Index.
Bush declares war on retirement GEORGE W. Bush has declared war on retirement. The former US President said he was bored with painting now and planned to blow up his art studio with a series of targeted strikes.
34 BUSINESS NEWS
Tesco arms itself for pub offensive
Supermarket chain to host quiz nights, karaoke SUPERMARKET giant Tesco is calling for last orders from Britain’s pub industry. A new range of shops called ‘The Tesco Arms’ will feature skittle aisles, dart cheese boards and selfservice urinals. The retailer says the move is the latest weapon in its strategy to convert every last pub into a supermarket. “We don’t need anyone’s permission to do what we’re doing, y’know,” Tesco chief executive Philip Clarke boasted as he necked a can of Tesco Value lager. “The only thing we have to worry ’bout when we buy a
pub, mate, is whether the locals are pissed enough to kick up a fuss.
“Once they clap eyes on the range of nuts we’ll be selling at The Tesco Arms, I’d wager they won’t be.” The Tesco Arms brand is being launched nationwide after a successful trial at a former live music venue in Wimbledon; now converted into a supermarket where the security guard stamps people’s hands as they walk in, and a mate of the manager asks shoppers to sign up to Tesco.com as they walk out.
Although each branch will have its own unique ‘atmosphere’, all of The Tesco Arms stores will offer pints of milk at half-price between 4 and 6pm, Monday to Thursday. Tesco customers who had been part of local campaigns to keep their pubs open have welcomed the move. “At first I felt guilty for shopping at a supermarket where I used to do the pub quiz every Tuesday,” mused one regular. “But then I realised that knowing whether or not I needed any help was a lot easier than knowing the name of the guy who played Dirty Den in Eastenders.”
For years Tesco has been buying up pubs and reopening them as shops before anyone can get another round in, thanks to a loophole in planning law which waives the usual permission required from a local authority for a change of use to a building. It’s one British tradition Mr Clarke is keen to continue. “Hey, it’s not my fault no-one’s drinking at pubs anymore,” the Tesco boss added.
“The market forces us to sell a six-pack of beer for less than a sack of spuds.”
Yesterday on the London stock market
Some buying and selling went on
ON the London Stock Exchange last night the crucial FTSE100 share index closed at twelve points down, amid concerns about profits in the retail sector. In northern Canada several Inuit stopped in the middle of building an igloo to travel 180 miles to the next village and report the shocking news of the FTSE100 closing twelve points down. Only one of the courageous Inuit made it back alive. In the Democratic Republic of Congo a tribesman shot himself with a poison dart, falling dead at the scene. In a suicide note written with his own blood, he wrote: “I can’t go on now that the FTSE100 has closed at twelve points down, I have no reason to continue living this jungle life, it’s all over!” In Romania a plumber was reported to have thrown a spanner into the works upon hearing the news from London, causing a flood in an isolated shoe factory. Of the factory’s workers, two drowned and 49 had to be airlifted off the roof as water lapped around their ankles. The dramatic event was not covered by Romanian media as they chose instead to tell the incredible story of how the FTSE100 closed twelve points down. And somewhere in the UK, a wealthy shareholder lost a night’s sleep as he lay in bed wondering whether or not tomorrow he would be a few quid wealthier. The rest of us slept soundly while dreaming of the day money would no longer matter.
Traces of vegetables found in veg soup FOOD retailers are bracing themselves for another mislabelling scandal after vegetable soup comprised overwhelmingly of vegetables was found in the UK. Test samples stored by a company called Veggie Veg Ltd contained 80 percent turnip, 14 percent celeriac and four percent swede, the Food Standards Agency (FSA) said. The soup had been on sale at Waitrose, Marks & Spencer, Whole Foods and Harrods, but has now been removed. In a statement, the FSA said: “Of the twelve samples from the suspect consignment that we tested, every single one came back positive for root vegetable varities that are socially unacceptable. “The investigation into these raw materials and their source is underway, but we suspect they came from somewhere subterranean.” Veggie Veg said the offending cans had not entered the food chain. A spokesman added: “We remain confident the soups we sold previously will have been consumed, since they are so yummy.” Waitrose said in a statement: “We will review all our soups to ensure they contain only socially acceptable foodstuffs in future; such as chicken, bovine or infant sheep carcasses.”
Volcano to house Goldman Sachs office
Bank plots world takeover from within its new top-secret lair GLOBAL banking conglomerate Goldman Sachs has relocated its headquarters to a new office built within a tectonic rupture of the Earth’s surface. The extinct volcano, located somewhere on the Italian peninsula, houses the interstellar investment bank’s brand new spacecraft-swallowing rocket shuttle, launchpad and nuclear development facility. Sources indicate that the elaborate bunker will be used as a base from which Goldman Sachs can draw up and implement a top-secret plan to save the world’s economy. Chief executive officer Lloyd
Blankfein confirmed that his cosmic company had relocated to Italy, but did not specify the exact location. “It might be a volcano, it might not be a volcano,” he told reporters, while stroking a white Persian cat.
“If it is a volcano, and if it does contain a nuclear arsenal and an army of ninjas, we will only use it to make the sovereign debt disappear. I swear. “My advice is just to sit back, relax, and take comfort from the fact that good ol’ trustworthy Goldman Sachs is systemati-
cally taking control of each the world’s nations, one by one.” Blankfein, swiveling his chair 180 degrees, added: “Mwahaha. Mwahahahahaha. “MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.” Goldman’s move to Italy was brokered by former prime minister Mario Monti, who left office last year. Mr Monti - a lifetime senator in Rome - was working as an advisor to Goldman when he became PM in 2011 without contesting an election. “During my premiership I helped lay the foundations for Goldman, so they would be very welcome in my homeland,”
explained Mr Monti, before winking to a man stood to his left, out of view. “If Blankfein needs anything at all, and I mean anything, all he has to do is ask.” Another former head of state in Europe, Lucas Papademos, also had kind words to say about Goldman Sachs. It was Mr Papademos who helped cover up the scale of national debt during his time in charge of the Central Bank of Greece - while under instruction by Goldman Sachs.
“An Italian volcano? Blankfein,
you dog!” Mr Papademos said. “I’ll have to give you that tour of the Acropolis sometime. “We’re going to turn it into a casino!” Last year a court ruled that the former head of Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs (HMRC), David Hartnett, had lawfully let Goldman off paying £20million in interest payments - to avoid embarrassing George Osborne. “The name’s Hartnett, Dave Hartnett,” said Mr Hartnett. “But I don’t care about collecting fucking money. “All I care about is fucking Moneypenny.” The latest job - page 37
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36 BUSINESS NEWS
Weapons manufacturer putting profits before death
Bloodshed just a happy side-effect of making money, says BAE boss
ARMS dealer BAE Systems has admitted the pursuit of profit is more important than its other activities; such as war, genocide and worsening child mortality rates. In an exclusive interview, BAE chief executive Ian King told us, here at The Taxman, that his number one priority was making money to give shareholders the highest possible dividend, despite the pleasure he may or may not get from seeing one of his company’s weapons destroy an orphanage in Somalia. “Look, I’ll be completely honest with you,” Mr King explained, “profits are more important than all this war and death stuff. “We think it’s a sad day when we sell a gun and it never gets used to kill anything, but, hey, you can’t shoot everyone.
“Some things are more important than death. We proved that when we sold all that radar technology to Tanzania in 2001, after sweetening those politician
guys. We knew those African bunks weren’t going to kill anyone with it. “The poor sods didn’t even have an air force – they just needed to land their passenger jets safely! “Haha, we had a good laugh about that one.
“Like I say, killing is great, but the most important thing is clinching the deal. “If we hadn’t been the ones selling gear to Tanzania, they would have got a cheap deal with those poncey French air traffic controllers instead. “They’d probably have used the money they saved from it to build schools and hospitals or some shit like that. Christ! Can you imagine! “Clearly, we love a good genocide,
militia terror campaign, Western invasion etcetera, but shareholders come first. “Any death which results from us selling weapons illegally, is, quite frankly, just a bonus.” Four years ago BAE agreed to pay £257million in criminal fines to the US and £30million to the UK after admitting a number of corruption offences related to a £43billion deal with Saudi Arabia and a number of smaller deals across Eastern Europe, as well as the £28million Tanzania job. It followed joint investigations by the Serious Fraud Office (SFO) and the department of justice in Washington DC. No individuals were held to account. “Haha, yeah, we were pretty chuffed when we clinched the SFO deal,” King continued.
“We also got them to drop their sixyear investigation into our other bribes. “Hey, now off the record for a moment, little hack, you need some guns? Eh? Something to keep the family safe? “What? The only weapon you need is your pen? “What fucking damage do you think you’re going to do with that?”
Businessmen ‘will fly around on OATs’ A NEW Orbital Astronomical Train (OAT) will be built to whizz businessmen around the Earth at 2,500mph, in a bid to make them all go away. Eventually, OAT will extend far enough to dump office-type people on the moon, but for the first century of its operation passengers will have to make do with the mediocrity of a perpetual geosynchronous orbit. The project will cost British taxpayers £50trillion, take 250 years to build, and is set to provide at least one job for a plucky graduate who knows how to send a fax and is fully competent with the Windows 95 operating system. “OAT will solve the capacity crisis we’re experiencing on the 106 bus service from Elgol to Broadford on the Isle of Skye,” said Transport Secretary Patrick McLoughlin “By golly, have you ever been on the 1.07pm service on the third Thursday of the month? You should see the number of pensioners who pack on to that thing for the rotary club committee meeting. Mayhem.” Mr McLoughlin said it was imperative that the capacity problems with the 106 service were solved immediately to enable the economy to grow a bit faster, in China. “And that’s why we are going to build OAT,” the Tory proclaimed triumphantly, “over the next few hundred years.”
OAT trains must maintain a cruising speed of 2,500mph in order to stay in their semi-major axis of 26,199 miles, which is why the village of Wellesbourne will have to be liquidised to make way for it. “We’ve listened to what Wellesbourne residents have told us about their community being evaporated,” continued Mr McLoughlin, “and we’ve decided to give them all a pair of ear muffs and a blindfold.”
African sorrow for global fiscal woes EVERYONE in Somalia, Ethiopia, Kenya and South Sudan has expressed sympathy for their fiscally-challenged friends in the United States of America and the European Union. Speaking all at once in perfect synchronisation so that the entire globe could hear and be comforted by their warm condolences, ten million starving Africans conveyed remorse that they could not do more to avert the economic catastrophes befalling those less fortunate. "Of course, we are all infinitely poorer than they are, but it doesn't really matter because we're used to it," the malnourished crowd universally spoke in a sombre, tragicomic tone. "While our own mortality is at threat from entirely avoidable circumstances all of our own making, the debt and currency crises afflicting those in richer countries that control us have been brought about only by astonishing misfortune and bad luck. "We mourn the loss of shareholders' dividends, low taxes and high interest rates. It must be terrible to face a reduction in your income by as much as 0.5, or even one percentage. "We will do whatever we can to help, just as soon as we've finished crawling to the nearest refugee camp, only to find they have run out of clean water. "Our prayers go out to those Western children who will grow up without hope of a huge inheritance. “We've got some dried earth though, if it helps?"
You’ll never afford this
(but we’re going to tell you about it anyway) THIS is a big house. A huge, fucking massive house. It’s got 20 bedrooms, eight bathrooms, three kitchens, two dining rooms, a study, a library, a drawing room, a painting room, a sculpting room, a laboratory, a billiard room, a snooker hall, a cinema, a theatre, a ballroom, a smoking room and a conserva-
tory which on its own is bigger than your poxy little house. Features include a swimming pool, tennis court, bowling alley, golf course, Formula 1 circuit, servants’ quarters, secret brothel, parking space for 24 vehicles, torture chamber, sauna, rifle range, graveyard and nuclear bunker.
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Nevermind though, eh? We’ve got plenty of other homes available. Let’s see now; there’s a lovely little one-bed shed in Ruislip with an open-plan kitchen/bathroom; a two-bed flat in Crouch End with a hole in its roof and enough damp to put your daughter in hospital with breathing
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Work for The Taxman
Are you unemployed? Ready to get Do what we tell you to do, with minimal back into work? Full of enthusiasm fuss and maximum efficiency. Get and naivety? noticed by stabbing colleagues in the back. We might have just the job you’ve been looking for. When we embark upon projects clearly doomed to fail, don’t question us. Flexible hours, career progression, Watch us crash and burn, and then travel on expenses, coffee machine, capitalise on our mistakes. workplace bullying. It’s perfect for you. When we introduce new organisational But are you perfect for us? structures without consulting any of the persons affected, just deal with it. We need someone who is willing to You’re a team player, right? leave any sense of morality at home. This is no place to make ethical And when we increase your workload, don’t dampen the quality of your choices or take a moral stand.
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Don’t even think about your family and friends and how little you’ll be seeing them. You’re one of us now. We’ve got you for life.
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Kensington needs flood defences too, you know I DIDN’T even leave my penthouse this past winter. I don’t like rain, you see, and, well, it was a bit drizzly, wasn’t it? But there’s one area of the country the Environment Agency seems to have completely forgotten about. Now they’re making 1,500 job cuts, I fear it will be
washed away altogether. It’s a huge scandal. There are absolutely dozens of overflowing drains all over Kensington. Monday
I once spent £15,000 on therapy to try and help cure my hydrophobia – a fear of precipitation. It didn’t work. I missed most of the sessions because it was looking a bit overcast outside. So who’s going to come help me now that the buses on Kensington High Street are splashing rainwater all over my intercom? Tuesday
I tell you, the puddles are out of control. The biggest one was just after Monsoon. I dread to think what it’s like around Sloane Square. No matter what happens anywhere else, they always get it bad down there. Wednesday
How is anyone in west London supposed to do their weekly clothes shop when we’re being told to avoid the coats? What do they expect us to do, wear a waterproof jumper and stick to the lingerie section?
The Taxman's seven-day weather forecasts are brought to you by Kensington High Street's fifth-best meteorologist and number one womaniser, Jim Wetherman. Thursday
Every time I turn the telly on these days, all I hear about is the huge waves pounding our seaside towns – destroying beach huts, promenades and bingo halls. To be honest, I’m sick of it. I’m sick of the media bias in this country, always ignoring the places where all the important people live. Kensington needs flood defences too, you know. How else are we going to keep out the waves and waves of immigrants who want to come here to clean our houses? Friday
That’s it, I’m done. The sooner global warming kicks in, the better. And I’m going to do everything I possibly can to make it happen. Weekend
However much money has been cut from the Environment Agency’s budget, there’s no question where the money the government has saved should be spent. A waterproof, immigrant-resistant dome over Kensington and Chelsea, and a four-runway airport in the Thames Estuary.
Simply add any digit between 1 and 9 to each cell in the grid (below), until each row and column is full of soul-destroying, mindless tedium. CROSS WORD
Read the word written in the grid (left) out loud and you will probably make someone cross. Have fun!
Who will survive the big race? THE favourite to win the champion hurdle in tomorrow’s Gold Casket meeting at Market Rasen is not taking anything for granted. Rifle At The Ready is a 6/1 shot to survive the race but knows she’ll need to avoid the pit of death at jump six if she’s to stand a chance.
The daunting obstacle, which almost caught out the four-year-old thoroughbred in last year’s race, features razor-sharp spikes that can pierce even the most well-armoured horseshoe. “It’s a nasty one, that’s for sure,” trainer Billy O’Maites told us, here at The Taxman. “To be honest, I think she might just cop it this time.
“But it happens to the best of ‘em eventually, you know? They’re all destined to die prematurely some day.” Other contenders include Headfirst Landing (8/1), Lethal Leg Break (12/1) and exciting young debutante Put To Sleep (15/1). However, bookmakers have slashed odds on outsider Race Fast Die Young from 80/1 down to 20/1 after he showed his skill at tripping up other runners in last week’s Grand Casualty. “If we see him taking down more horses tomorrow he just might find a way to avoid getting shocked at The Electric Chair on fence 15,” explained racing expert John McRack. “On a personal level, however, I’d love to see him get churned up at Beecher’s Blood.“
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40 SPORT NEWS
Olympic Stadium rejects ‘useless’ West Ham Utd
Venue ditches relegation-dogged Hammers for free-scoring Orient THE Olympic Stadium has rejected West Ham United over fears the club would ruin its reputation for sporting success. In the latest twist to the saga over the London 2012 venue's legacy, the arena said it was going to sell itself to Leyton Orient. "West Ham are going down, Leyton Orient are going up," the Olympic Stadium said at a press conference in its changing rooms. "After the euphoria of London 2012 and all those gold medals, I cannot afford to be associated with failure. "West Ham are getting their asses kicked every single week by playing a shocking brand of turgid, one-dimensional football. "Quite frankly, United are sinking faster than the Titanic in an iceberg-infested whirlpool. So why the fuck do they think I would want to host them?
"This is serious. I've got a reputation to uphold here." London 2012 chief Sebastian Coe vowed that the Olympic Stadium would not become a "white elephant" following the Games, but this promise came perilously close to fruition when West Ham were chosen as tenants, after a protracted legal battle. So far in its life the venue has only hosted a couple of weeks' worth of athletics.
"I was prepared to stomach West Ham at first," the stadium continued. "I was told the club would be moulded into a top team capable of qualifying for Europe and winning trophies. "Next thing I know, they hire Sam Allardyce." However, the rejection of West Ham has once again raised the chance of a reprieve for Leyton Orient,
currently based just a mile up the road and challenging for promotion into the Championship. A further £154million is set to be spent on converting the Olympic Stadium for regular football use by 2016, bringing the total cost to more than £583million - most of it paid by taxpayers. The venue added: "Look, I'll admit it. I'm an expensive, classy kind of stadium. I crave fame and fortune. I've hosted some of the finest athletes in the world and witnessed some of the greatest moments in British sporting history. "So if you think that I'm prepared to swap the likes of Mo Farah and Jessica Ennis-Hill for the likes of Andy Carroll and Kevin Nolan, boy, you've got another thing coming. "No, that's it, I'm done with these bloody 'Irons'. Someone get me Barry Hearn's phone number."
Taxman Publishing Fleet Palace, Fleet Street, London The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland This edition printed in 2014
The Taxman is a satirical newspaper conceptualised and entirely written by James Cracknell.
we, here at The Taxman, expect them to happen in the very near future.
GOOGLE+: Don’t be fucking stupid
and layout by James Cracknell.
FAX: There are no fax in this newspaper
All news events depicted in this newspaper are fictional and have not taken place, although Expert photoshopping by Andy Von Pip. Cartoons by Charlotte Vellinga. Newspaper design With special thanks to Ryan J. Bury and Paul Lagan.