Page 1

Vlsltlng.lapanese Students Disgusted By .·

Wednesday, April1, 1992

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Vol. 4, No. 1

CAMPUS TRAMPLED BY

BIRD CAUSES ~PROBLEMS

MOST FOWLt ON CAMPUS! IG

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EART FOR TE

5!

AIMS TO REMAP THE COLLEGE DISTRICT IN THE STATE'S IMAGE!

Mystic Ma~i~a EXPLAINS IT ALL . FOR YOU!


MAR. 21 -APR: 19

Happy Birthday, Rams. Don't count your chickens before · they hatch! You may meet your special someone for the low, low price of just $19.99. Don't lend people money. Your Iucky days are the 10th through the 12th.

APR. 20 - MAY 20

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Don't think of a lightning strike to the head as bad luck. You will see your favorite rock star but they won't necessarily see you. Don't expect to see many lucky days this month.

MAY 21- JUNE 20

JUNE 21 - JULY 22

Watch out for the migrating butterflies! Your month will go smoothly unless you have midterms. Play the lottery; there's nothing better to do. The crystal ball is merely a cloud when I inquire about your life.

Honesty is the best policy! You will experience fear of _the unknown when aliens from the Outer Limits terrorize your neighborhood. Don't drive too fast, ticket season is back. Red is your unlucky color.

OCT. 23- NOV. 21

Don't put all your eggs in one basket. If you try to cross the path of a running train, it is likely you will lose the battle. It's time to make New Year's a Resolution. Reconsider your career choice. Be wary of a follower.

I

Jf you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. Mom always said, you shouldn't play ball in the house. If you don't like your presidential 9andidates then go ahead and run yourself.

JULY 23- AUG. 22

Carpe Diem! You will succeed if you stop procrastinating. Confuscius says, 'In search for better predictions, consult your friendly neighborhood psychic, not me!'

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. The relevance of this is dependant of the street value of an ounce of · prevention. You will have a. happy happy joy joy day.

NOV. 22- DEC. 21

Don't open your umbrella indoors! Oh horrors, at about 1:29 p.m. on a Thursday afternoon you will encounter a strange person driving in an American car whom you will soon fall in love with.

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Look for a rainbow and you may find your pot of gold. Forget not that even when you look like you haven't slept in two weeks, you still have your friends.

If your birthday is today ...

APRIL 1, 1992

Happy Birthday Fool!!! When you were born, you mother and father thought you were the best joke of the maternity wing. But you have found out through the years that having your birthday today has been an advantage. For instance, you can park in any parking spot on cam pus and treat . the ticket as a joke. The bills you receive can be perceived as another prank. Or the collection agency letter about your new car would be a big laugh. If you believe this, you are the biggest fool! The stars this month shows that you will be laughing while popping Rolaids after your peanut butter pizza lunch (your favorite dish) and then spend the evening alone watching reruns of Gilligans Island on your special bean-bag.

JAN. 20- FEB. 18

FEB. 19 - MAR. 20

The grass isn't always greener on the other side. ·Smile and the world will smile with you. It is time for you to take a very, very long vacation. Your lover will escape with your sanity.

You gotta ski. Do something about your pathetic life. When you're lonely, remember that Denny's is always there for you. When the moon aligns with Pluto you will go on the date from hell. Tellascoop

~--------------------------------------------._--------------------~ April1, 1992

11


'SUZIE SENATOR' SADLY PRONOUNCED DEAD AFTER STABBING LOVER! By ROMAN KOENIG

dead at 4:45p.m." Prior to her death, Suzie Senator Robo Senator, created by Associ- went on a hellish rampage through the ated Student Government adviser Student Union, yelling, "My name is Jim Bowen, wenthaywireataMarch Suzie Senator, and I will second that 25 ASG meeting, going on a ram- motion! I WILL SECOND THAT page throughout the Student Union MOTION!" ov~r and over again to and stabbing a student senator who students and faculty members and then was the robot's lover! hitting themoverthehead with a gavel. "I never thought what I call my child She broke windows, threw food in the prodigy would do this!" exclaimed a cafeteria and tried to make love with video games in the game room before devastated Bowen. "I never thought it would happen to me! Never!" , the tragedy came to its apex. According to Dr. Sandra Mekanik, Senator Denny Ngo was stabbed head of Palomar's computer science withaknifeSuzieSenatorfoundinthe ,department, Robo Senator (nick- . cafeteria when he tried to calm her. named "Suzie Senator" when she was "I reminded her of all the wonderful introduced last year) suffered a blown things we did together," cried a discircuit in her posotronic brain. traught Ngo, who said he was Suzie "I have to say that Suzie was a really Senator's lover. "I could see in her fme piece of machinery," Mekanik eyes that she didn't want to do what said. "My assistants and I tried every- she was doing, butsheco).lldn'thelpit! thing to save her after we were able to Suzie was a hell of a girl. She was so calm her down. But all our best efforts wonderful to me!" he sobbed. "I will failed and we sadly pronounced her never forget her!" ADVERTISEMENT

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Ngo is listed in good co11dition at Scripps Memorial Hospital after suffering a stab wound to the abdomen. The tragedy has brought to light, however, controversy concerning Bowen's "Robo Student 9000" model robots. Just last December, another of Bowen's creations, Robo Football Player (named "Quincy Quarterback") shut down right in the middle of the Elk's Bowl at Merced College. "I kept pressing his reset button, but he simply wouldn't start back up," said assistant football coach Clyde Bouncer. "I tell you, it was a hell of frustration! We could've lost the game if it weren't for our other superior athletes who were able to pick up the pace right when we needed it!" After this second failure with Suzie Senator, Bowen said he is seriously considering getting out of the robot business. N go said he would not press charges against Bowen for Suzie Senator's tragic end and I:ps resulting wound. "I honestly thought I could better humanity with the help of robots such asSuzieandQuincy,"Bowenreflected with sadness. "I guess it was something that just wasn't meant to be. It only goes to prove that the best human is a real human."

a

ROBO TROUBLES: Suzie Senator (top) during her haywire rampage last week. Asst. football coach Clyde Bouncer attempts to restart Quincy Quarterback at last December's Elk's Bowl (left).

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"Oh, the yellow rose of Texas, that sparkles like the dew!" That's right! Boggs has plans to reconfigure the shape of Palomar's district boundaries in the image of Texas! "Texas has always been a home to me!"saidanelatedDr.Boggs. "I mean, if it weren't for Texas I wouldn't be wearing these 100 percent alligator boots! The people of that glorious state have given me so much, and I want to give them something back." In his plan, Boggs said he would redraw the boundaries of the college campus to look like the state's borders. Criticism, however, is already being drawn from San Marcos city officials, who are concerned _that the college's new boundaries will be too large. "As we all know, thestateofTexas is very large - the second-largest state in the union," quarrelled Assistant City Manager Vern Hofferman, saying that the new campus size would

engulf city boUndaries and other private property, including a new gas station/mini-mart under construction at the southwest comer of Palomar. "Ireallydon'tseewhatthebig deal is all about," questioned a boggled Boggs. ''Texas deserves some recognition around here. I don't mean to sound like George Bush, but Texas is like a home state to me. Besides, by getting the property where the gas station is, we can stop the proposed selling of liquor at the station's mini-mart. This is my crusade!" "Well, I think that this would be a boqn to the college money-wise·," said an interested Dale Wallenius, Palomar's chief advancement officer. "I mean, just think of it! Boggs could have his own wood-pit Texas bar-bque right here on campus!" Boggs, although he said a bar-bque restaurant would be mce, said he would like to have a boot shop on campus, "similar to Boot World, only better!" he exclaimed. ''This could not only bring millions of dollars to the college, but to the city of San Marcos as well," said an emphatic Boggs. "Just think of it! Our campus would be come tourist attraction! A 'home-away-from-home' for wayward Texans!"

I

The events depicted in this issue of The Tellascoop are entirely contrived. N one of this material reflects in any way the character or actions of any persons cited in this publi cation. All events are fabricated . This issue is to be used solely for the entertainment of the student body and faculty of Palomar College.

1 I Tellascoop April1, 1992

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1

3


rtoon legend to be ASG

In spite of not being able to meet all of the qualifications set by the California Education Code_t., Patrick Pig has stepped off of the funp.y pages and into the race for ASG president. "We simply can notallow fictional characters to run in our student elections," said Director of Student Activities Jim

Bowen. "There is also some doubt about the eligibility -o fanimals,"headded. Patrick responds to this criticism by pointing out that i~ the past asses, baboons, and geese have all held ASG. "The only difference between me and someone like Mickey Mouse or Zippy the Pinhead (who have been successful in getting a large percentage of the vote in previous

ASG elections) is that I meet the residency reqtiirements" said the pig. Patrick lives on the Laugh Track section of the Telescope. The ASG h~s no legal or judicial power over the people it is supposed to represent, according to Patrick. Noraretheyabletolevy taxes, police their jurisdiction, or practic:e any sort of economic control over their territory.

't'III~

"A fictional president would be the best choice to head a fictional government," Patrick argues. Bowen claims that there are serious questions about a cartoon character's ability to manage the $75-80 thousand qollar per year ASG budget. Patrick counters this by pointing out that the entire ASG budget comes to a total of .16 percent of the total Palomar budget. Because ASG bylaws forbid the election of fictional characters, Patrick Pig (ASG presidential candidate) is unable to use the u s u a 1 means to reach the student body with his message. Recognizing this, the Tellascoop has set aside a special The Pig Speaks Out so Patrick can get his message out. Q: Pat, why have you decided io enter this race? A: Well, frommyplaceonthe back page of the Telescope, I get a pretty good view of what is happening on the front page. Over the past year I have been shocked by this misuse of power and by how far out of touch with the student body the ASG really is. Q: WhatshouldtheASGdoto get more in touc.h with students? A: Buying the stereo was a step in the right direction but it was just a beginning. Palomar has a TV station so I think the ASG should buy a36" hi-defi- · nition TV with a satellite dish, and super Nintendo so we can get in touch with the students

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4

Tellascoop April 1, 1992

"It is not really that much of a responsibility when you put it into perspective," said Patrick. "Patrick Pig just simply can't be taken as a serious candidate for this important position," said Bowen. "I think it is up to the student body to choose what they think is right," answers Patrick. "I also think in April, I will be the winner."

who like to play video games.

Q: What is your position on saving the Owens Peak "P"? A: What does the "P" stand foranyway? Ithinkweshould add more letters to it so everybody knows that Palomar is a terrific place for instructional guidance. I have been talking with some the leading industrial polluters in San Marcos and they have agreed to do- · nate all the recycled toxic waste we need to add "A", "T", "P", "I", and "G" on to the existing "P." Q: Do you believe the .ASG · should be able to control the Telescope by withholding money if they don't like what . is written about them? A: Absolutely,however,Ialso think the ASG should be able to reward the Telescope for stories they like. Say a $200 cash grant to each reporter who writes a story we like. Q: Is there anything else you want to add? A: No, I' djust like to take this time to point out that I am the best qualified candidate, and to add that the fact that I am a fictional character will not hinder my performance in any way. I would also like to stress that no beer cans will be found in the ASG office if I am elected. Bottles, mugs, and kegs maybe, but no cans.


200-FOOT GENETIC FREAK CHICKEN ON THE RAMPAGE!! Crack commando squad chicken-feed as freak hen pecks Palomar By Greg Skinner

Palomar students were shocked this morning when a gigantic, 200-foot rooster was discovered among the wreckage of its egg, Palomar College's Dome! Scientists are speculating that the monster-chicken is a leftover of World War II genetics experiments, designed to eliminate Germany's food supply by immense farm animals consuming fields of food. Palomar Campus Patrol's crack anti-terrorist unit responded to the alert but they

were overwhelmed by the huge bird, which was obviously searching for others of its kind, and the Palomar troops were forced to call mall cops from North County Fair. Air strikes proved unsuccessful. Palomar College livestock expert, Dr. Enos Poultrey, speculated that the experiment was only partially successful, because of

the two normally sized roosters found earlier in the same area, "This gargantuan rooster was hatched from the big Dome, so the little ones must have come from smaller ones. Disaster was avoided, although, when worried Health Department personnel apprehended the fowl-beast and disposed of it

because of a possible outbreak of diseases on campus. In a related story, Food Services announced earlier today that the chicken will be the special-of-the-day for the next three years, with barbecued, filleted, poached, grilled, fried, baked, blackened, stew, and roast chicken in a rotating schedule.

Killer Gopher dines on Golfer's leg

By MIKE LAJOIE

Razor-sharp incisored, wild-eyed killer gophers attacked and maimed four golfers on the Palomar golf course this morning. "The fuzzy critters surrounded us," said one of the golfers. "then their eyes started to glow red. You could tell they wanted revenge, revenge for their gopher brethren which we shot golf balls at for target practice." According to the golfers, 10 gophers surrounded them and attacked. "They moved in, I swung my nine-iron but one of the little demons only bit it off! Next it had my leg. It was chewin' on my leg like it was a Kentucky fried drum stick!"

As to ridding the golf course of the furry creatures, buildings and grounds inspector Mike E. Island proclaimed ''I'm going to rid this campus of every fuzzy-faced, buckedtooth gopher if it's the last thing I do. â&#x20AC;˘ "They're a menace to the people of this school and they mess up the grass with mounds of dirt. I've got a double barrel12gaug<J full of buck-shot that'll blow them to smithereens! And if that doesn't work I got dynamite!" After Island said his message, streams of animal-rights protesters formed around the inspector's office and started to chant, "Save the gophers, kill the golfers!" Animal rights leader Lassie Flipper formed the head of the protesters. "I don't care if these creatures killed a thousand golfers! " said Flippe~ "When these poor creatures ripped and tore off appendages it was probably their form of a 'love bite.' "We will succeed in saving the gophers as we have succeeded in our other projects. Golfers aren't endangered anyway." Investigations as to why the gophers have phenomenal strength could be linked to the Chemistry lab break in which occurred last week. At the scene, short and grubby teeth were found along with small patches of dirt whic_!l, incidentally, matched the same dirt at the Palomar golf course.

...

Rabid Fan ¡goes after ump! The national pastime was interrupted at Jim Meyer's Field when an enraged fan rushed on the field and attacked the umpire! After body-slamming the official, Wimpy J. Thorn burger continued his assault as onlookers waited to see what came nex.t. "The ump was so blind, he didn't see him coming," said Wilfred V. Peabody, who sat down with his cooler and downed a couple of brews. . The incident was sparked after the hapless umpire called a bouncing wayward curve

a strike. A shouting match ensued between fan and ump. "Yeah, this yahoo has been following us around at all our games, spewing crude remarks and making an ass of himself," said Coach Bobo Billy Bass. "And the fan is a real jerk too!" The game was called because the umpire, JoeP. Brayne, wasdeclaredlegallyinsaneat Palomar Hospital.

Tellascoop

April 1, 1992

S


••• •

KILLER

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CAT

• • • • ••

•• •• •

ON CAMP

• •• • •• • • • • • • • ••• • • •• ••

s

Mickey Johnson/Undecided Major "No."

• • • •• ••• • • • • •• •• • • • • • • • •• • •

Foghorn Leghom/Acriculture Major "They weren't doing anything wrong. Isn't America the land of the free? "

What do you think about the chicken eviction?

• • •• • • •

• •

•• •• •

• • • • •• • ••

Killer cat caught with jogger's body parts. The victim has not been identified yet.

Diedra Diadado was attacked recently by the monster, "I was just jogging in the hills when I started down an off-chute of the main path, I stopped to tie my shoe and before I knew what happened I was being attacked by this ferocious feline." Diadado lost her left arm to the beast but considers herself lucky to be alive. "I lost my arm but I am just glad I made it back alive," said Diadado. Director of Facilities Mike Ellis warns

"Yes."

••

By Jacques Domercq Staff Writer

Apparently the creature lurks in the thick brush in the hills behind the college stalking joggers and waiting for them to slow down or stop. _Then the ferocious animal will make it's move leaping on the unsuspecting victim.

Gertrude Miers/ Undecided Major

against venturing into the brushy area behind the college at all. "We have had six attacks and out of those three people have died, I wouldn't go back there and I don't advise anyone else to ' either!" Tirree members from Campus Patrol were brave enough to look for the animal in an effort to appease it with some high-protein cat food used in zoos for lions and tigers. They were able to squeeze off a snapshot Boyd Mahan speaks for the group, "We went out there to fmd the underlying cause beneath this killing spree, we could have never guessed that we would fmd what we did." What they found was a pile of human bones. "There were so many bones in that pile that I wouldn't be surprised if every person reported lost or missing in San Marcos is the last five years could fmally be accounted for," said Mahan. Currently the San Marcos Police Department is investigating the situation and expect to kill or capture the beast.

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.

Gerald Tuttle/Biology Major "I would have to think about it."

Richard Owens/Undecided Major "No."


Experiment mutates cows

·

.

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~~!J.~cofu.~r .· ·.

·.•. ~/cifflfti!er Gregor Romanov returned from space with his tiny .son. Bom wi$power of s~~;baby . :t{()fua99Y) ftrst · \\.'oros as he lefttbe spacecraftwere, •tAs W;e know; . •. . . • nothing is more powerfui than an idea wbOsetime has · ·•· · come. TheflattaXis it. Jenyarown is a geniUs; Boris ·· Yeltsin is ill deep borscht alld Gorby is not helping." Someone from the throng o(gree~ers yelled, "The peasants are reyolting." "Y¢s, aren'fthey :···answered the infant, a8 he saluted the .inultiUJde, ·wheeled ·and toddled into the waiting chopper. · Micro-biologists and sci~fifanatics have:{ flocked to Vladivostok to see the child with point}' ears who . addressed them in a closed meeting: "I can~t see any need for more speculation about the existence of ex.tra...·.· terrestrial beings. I hope my presence here settles that:" ..·. Asked about his mother; the tiny ron w()uid()nly say, ·~ather says she ~as heavenly, and he c~'twaitto get bac~ into spaee. No she won'fcome to earth~ She thinks itJl}llkeshe~t()bheavy." .. .· · .· The Tele$coop is soliciting donations to underwrite launching Romanov and son into space again . .· Bring yourcasb to the office and leave it in a brown paper sack . under any desk. . We'll do the rest!

all

·Miniature cows, the result of a biology experiment gone haywire, were spotted on the campus lawn. They had strayed from their underground home in the school's drainage tunnels. By Brenda Godfrey Staff Writer

This week, there was an amazing discovery on Palomar Campus. Miniature cows have been found co-habitating underground in drainage tunnels and under stairs on campus. They appear to have gotten there by way of an accidental mutant biology experiment. Dr. Dicky, of the Biology Depart-

ment on campus, says that he has tried to reproduce the experiment, but has been unsuccessful because he shrank his notes along with the cows. No-one believed Dr. Dicky when he professed his wild experience with shrinking the cows. He shrank the cows last month, but the cows, terrified from being shrunk, fled his lab shortly after Dicky shrank them. Dicky was experimenting with

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an enriched weed that he was feeding the dairy cows. Obviously, the weed was a little more potent than he initially expected. Thanks to the maintenance crew on campus, the cows were found and returned to the dairy. Coincidentally, Dr. Dicky was recently nominated for the Weird Science award. The moral to this story? There isn't one.


TELESCOPE EDITOR STRICKEN WITH DISEASE ''HE IS TURNING INTO A STATUE!'' By DARREN ANE A mystery disease is turning Telescope editmr-in-chief, Roman Koenig in to a statuelike human specimen. Doctors from all over the world are mind boggled by the condition which has been plaguing the renowned Palomar journalist for three months. Specialists say it will be only a matter of weeks before Koenig becomes a solid statue. The disease, which has been named Koenig Stoned Specialitis is believed to have started from a mystery ingredient in the cafeteria special. Koenig is a known special addict and has been in therapy for the problem. "It is just amazing to see this happen to someone. I have never seen a case like this before and it is a very unfortunate situation for Mr. Koenig," said Dr. Blake Scrubs, Koenig's personal physician.

The stress of the situation has taken its toll on the friends and relatives of Koenig, not to mention Koenig himself. "My poor baby is turning to stone right before my eyes and I just don't know what to do about it," said Barbara Koenig. Ms. Koenig is hopeful that a cure will be found soon, but she has still prepared for the worst "If it should be that he doesn'trecover, I have had a mantle made in the front yard to perch him on should he tum to stone," said Koenig. "Ideally we would eventually like to see a bird bath made out of him so he could bring joy to the small creatures and have meaning in his life." His co-workers have also prepared for the future. "We plan on wheeling him in on Wednesday nights so he can still be a part of the staff and at the end of the year we plan to award the staff member of the year with Roman as the trophy," said advisor Susan Deacon. "We hope his mother will let us have him engraved." Koenig was not available for comment due to the fact that he can't move his mouth.

COFFEEHOUSES SUCK!!

RENOWNED CARTOONIST'S SHOCKING REVELATION ~~DENNY'S RULES OVER THE WANNABE CAFES" By J.HERZOG Joe. Mud. Java. Call it what you will, the wakeup drug of choice for America is obviousa hot cup of coffee. But at 2 a.m. on a Saturday night you won't find the mass of bleary eyed drunkards daintily quaffing a double espresso at some tres chic coffee house. No siree Bob! You and I both know where they'll be - at Denny's! ~ Though it's not cool to admit it, Denny's has it all over the more trendy coffeehouses. Most importantly, Denny's is always open. Sure, Denny's only has two kinds of coffee (regular and decaf), but it only costs 97 cents and you get free refills. Most coffeehouses don't comprehend the complex concept of a free refill. What? You paid two to four dollars for that cup of coffee and you want a free refill besides? The nerve of some peasants! Honestly, if you're

EUROPE From

in that woozy boozy state of mind would you rather be served by a motherly waitress (Denny's)or some blond surfer guy with a glazed expression in his eyes and an idiot grin plastered across his mug( pick the coffeehouse of your choice)? As an added plus, some Denny's have a bar right there on the premises so as soon as you sober up you can go right back to punishing your liver. More important than what you will fmd at Denny's is what you won't find. You won't be distracted by the bleatings of some lame folkie who suffers from the delusion that he's the next Bob Dylan. You won't be forced to listen to the pontifications of"artists" whose main talent is talking about the art they '11 do someday (when they get around to it). Lastly, you won't have to hang around pretentious jerks who wear their copies of Nietzsche on their sleeves to·prove how "deep" they are. So if conversation interests you more than pontification, check out Denny's. (The opinions expressed in this article are not those of the author. I don 't even drink coffee.)

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COCKTAILS AVAILABLE

~--------------~1

Lamb Shank Lamb Stew Athenian Meatballs Roast Pork Sirloin Tips w/Noodles Souvlaki Skewer Spinach Pie Vegetarian Platter Grecian Chicken 1/4 Pastisio Mousaka

1018 2nd Street Encinitas

GRECIAN GARDENS RESTAUR~NT

942-5220

Hours: Mon-Thurs lla.m.- 9p.m. Fri & Sat lla.m.- lOp.m. 1020 San Marcos Blvd., San Marcos

24 Hr Hotline 1·800·848-LOVE


ALIENS DEPOSIT LOST SHIP IN PALOMAR POOL-!

The passengers were multi-milPalomar swimming students were stunned last week, when a ·lionaire Thurston Howell III and ship, lost at. sea 25 years ago, was his wife Lovey, actress Ginger dropped into the Palomar swim- Grant, Professor Roy Hinkl~y, and ming pool by a passing UFO. dairy farmer Mary Ann Summers. "The ship had several large "We were stranded on a deholes in its side, and it was taking serted island for 12 years, until on water fast," said swim team those creepy aliens came and took captain George Phipps. "We knew us all up in their rocket ship," said if we didn't rescue the survivors Gilligan after his rescue. soon, they'd drown." Both Grumby and Grant were The survivors were found to be amazed that they weren't rescued of the S.S. Minnow, lost at sea a lot sooner. "For a while there in since 1964. Under the command the late 60s, everyone from Zsa of Skipper Jonas Grumby and his Zsa Gabor to Russian cosmonauts first mate Gilligan (first name un- visited that island." available), the ship set out of HoProfessor Hinkley explained nolulu on a three-hour tour and how and why they were set down in the Palomar pool, "After many was never heard from again.

WELCOMES

A SIX FLAGS

years of studying (the aliens), I was fmally able to learn their language. After this knowledge w~ obtained, it was as easy as dissolving sodium in a water base to tell them where to set us down. "The reason I specifically requested Palomar," Hinkley further explained, "was that I knew this pool would be the safest place to set down the Minnow. You see, I to teach here in the 60s." Mary Ann Summers, of Kansas was the only castaway to suffer any injuries, but through this reporter's quick thinking, mouthto-mouth resuscitation revived her. We should be married some time in June.

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ALIEN PEACE MISSION

to Arrive Any Day!!! Religious Gurus Camp Around ''P'' to welcome Visiting Delegation returning after 9,000 years!! By Jim Adams Staff Writer

Visitors from a distant planet plan to visit - again! "Mankind has screwed up so badly that we need help from a more intelligent race," said Jacob von Daniken, leader of the Etruscan community. "The 'P' is an exact copy of the symbol used by Patoli, an ageless visitor who visited the Etruscan people about 9,000 years ago." Members of von Danikens group believe Patoli's crew taught the ancient Etruscans how to use technology never seen on earth. This new knowledge transformed them from

simple hunter-gatherers to architects and engineers overnight. "We have been in contact with Patoli in the past year," said von Daniken. "He is worried that they did not prepare us how to use these new ideas correctly and would like to offer some guidance." The new Etruscans have set up a tent city near the 'P' and plan to act as a welcom-. ing committee for the alien peace mission. The activity has brought threats from a local religious leader. "Those people out there should be locked up. They are prophets of the antiChrist and are harming God's children," said Jerry Feelwell of the Fifth Reformed Church. "I have asked the

Members of Etruscan Community (foreground) camp at foot of Owen's peak. A 9,000 year old rock painting(~pper right) shows alien leader Patoli's last visit!! them removed." The Sheriff's Dept. has no authority on public land, but has asked the California Agency of Land Manage-

ment (CALM) ~o look into the problem. Until CALM reaches a decision, the Etruscan Community will stay put. "To

leave the site now would be ¡to abandon hope for mankind," von Daniken said.

By Mark Wiberg In an effort to help the Associated Student Government, the world famous singer Elvis Presley was recently sworn in as senator!

New senator Elvis Presley says he wants to experience college life he missed as a young rock superstar.

Presley, missing for over 16 years after his staged death, told his new colleagues that he wants to join the ASG to help students and to also get a glimpse of the community college "experience" he sadly missed as a young rock idol. "I love the younger generation and I want to help them," said a smiling Presley. Senator Denny Ngo expressed the student officers feelings towards their new associate."I think it's great!" said Senator Ngo. "I'm a huge fan. fve got all his albiuns, and even some of his recipes!" Ngo said that after another student resigned, Presley showed up, wearing

a black velvet Palomar t-shirt, his famous blue suede shoes and blue jeans, wanting to be part of the student gov~ ernment. Ngo said that all of the members immediately treated him like any otherstudent.Ngosworehiminimmediately. "They, uh, have been really kind," Presley reportedly told Student Activities Director Jim Bowen. Bowen said they have discussed the student conduct code with Presley and have come to an understanding about the prescription drugs that Presley is still hooked on. "It's just something we needed to work out before he could become a productive member of this body," Bowen said. When the new senator/entertainer was asked by his new friends what his goals were, he replied: "To stay slim and to lower the cafeteria's prices."

Presley said he also wants to work with the college's radio station to begin an hour of classic¡rock 'n roll. . And where exactly has Elvis Presley been in the last 15 years? Presley claims to have traveled all over the country as a Secret Service agent for the once vice-president George Bush and present vice-presi~ dent Dan Quayle. "It was a job none of us took seriously," laughed Presley, "but it, uh, gave me the opportunity to be away and reevaluate my life." Butfornow, Elvis is dedicated to the ASG and has already set up a benefit to help the underfunded pro~ grams on campus. He also plans to perform his greatest hits every Friday afternoon outside the Student Union. "After being away so long," Presley said, "It feels nice to play once again."


R. 21- APR: 19

Happy Birthday, Rams. Don't count your chickens before路 they hatch! You may meet your special someone for the low, low price of just $19.99. Don't lend people money. Your Iucky days are the 10th through the 12th.

APR. 20 - MAY 20

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Don't think of a lightning strike to the head as bad luck. You will see your favorite rock star but they won't necessarily see you. Don't expect to see many lucky days this month.

MAY 21- JUNE 20

JUNE 21 - JULY 22

Watch out for the migrating butterflies! Your month will go smoothly unless you have midterms. Play the lottery; there's nothing better to do. The crystal ball is merely a cloud when I inquire about your life.

Honesty is the best policy! You will experience fear of .the unknown when aliens from the Outer Limits 路 terrorize your neighborhood. Don't drive too fast, ticket season is back. Red is your unlucky color.

OCT. 23- NOV. 21

Don't put all your eggs in one basket. If you try to cross the path of a running train, it is likely you will lose the battle. It's time to make New Year's a Resolution. Reconsider your career choice. Be wary of a follower.

I

Jf you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. Mom always said, you shouldn't play ball in the house. If you don't like your presidential 9andidates then go ahead and run yourself.

JULY 23- AUG. 22

Carpe Diem! You will succeed if you stop procrastinating. Confuscius says, 'In search for better predictions, consult your friendly neighborhood psychic, not me!'

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. The relevance of this is dependant of the street value of an ounce of 路 prevention. You will have a. happy happy joy joy day.

NOV. 22- DEC. 21

Don't open your umbrella indoors! Oh horrors, at about 1:29 p.m. on a Thursday afternoon you wi II encounter a strange person driving in an American car whom you will soon fall in love with.

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Look for a rainbow and you may find your pot of gold. Forget not that even when you look like you haven't slept in two weeks, you still have your friends.

If your birthday is today ....

APRIL 1, 1992

Happy Birthday Fool!!! When you were born, you mother and father thought you were the best joke of the maternity wing. But you have found out through the years that having your birthday today has been an advantage. For instance, you can park in any parking spot on cam pus and treat . the ticket as a joke. The bills you receive can be perceived as another prank . . Or the collection agency letter about your new car would be a big laugh. If you believe this, you are the biggest fool! The stars this month shows that you will be laughing while popping Rolaids after your peanut butter pizza lunch (your favorite dish) and then spend the evening alone watching reruns of Gilligans Island on your special bean-bag.

JAN. 20- FEB. 18

FEB. 19 -MAR. 20

The grass isn't always greener on the other side. 路Smile and the world will smile with you. It is time for you to take a very, very long vacation. Your lover will escape with your sanity.

You gotta ski. Do something about your pathetic life. When you're lonely, remember that Denny's is always there for you. When the moon aligns with Pluto you will go on the date from hell. Tellascoop

~--------------------------------------~----._--------------------~ April1, 1992

11


" ... now BACK TO WORK I" -Susan

CAMPUS ANNUAL

TELLASCOOP CRAIG SHOEMAKER

* A&E NETWORK * EVENING AT THE IMPROV * SHOWTIME COMEDY CLUB NETWORK MARCH 31 - APRIL 5

REX MEREDITH * HBO COMEDY CLUB CENTRAL

* IMPROV TONIGHT * SHOWTIME COMEDY CLUB NETWORK APRIL 7 - APRIL 12

*...---------------, * SPECIAL EVENT!

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*

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COMEDY NITE CLUB & RESTAURANT

* HBO COMEDY CLUB CENTRAL * IMPROV TONIGHT . * SHOWTIME COMEDY CLUB NETWORK

APRIL 14 - APRIL 19

MARCH29

BOB ZANY

* SHOWTIME COMEDY CLUB NETWORK * MTV 1/2 HOUR COMEDY HOUR * FOX NETWORK

APRIL 28 - MAY 3

HBO "Young Comedians Special"

SHOWTIME "My House My Rules" &

"Mike MacDonald on Target"

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

MARCH30

MARCH 31

APRIL 1

APRIL2

APRIL3

APRIL4

CRAIG

CRAIG

CRAIG

CRAIG

CRAIG

SHOEMAKER SHOEMAKER

SHOEMAKER SHOEMAKER SHOEMAKER

No Smoking Nile

College Nile T-Shirt Nile

College Nile T-Shirt Nile

APRIL 7

APRIL 8

APRIL 9

APRIL 10

APRIL 11

REX

REX

REX

REX

REX

No Smoking Nile

T-Shirt Nile

T-Shirt Nile

APRIL 13

APRIL 14

APRIL 15

APRIL 16

APRIL 17

APRIL 18

ClOSED

MARK EUBANKS

MARK EUBANKS

MARK EUBANKS

TV TAPING APRILS

ClOSED MEREDITH MEREDITH MEREDITH MEREDITH MEREDITH College Nile College Nile TV TAPING APRIL 12

APRIL 21. 22 & 23

BRAD STINE

MacDONALD

MONDAY

ClOSED APRILS

* RodneY Dangerfield ComedY SPecial * ARSENIO HALL * MTV 1/2 HOUR COMEDY HOUR

* * * * * * * * *......a--

HEADLINER COMEDIANS - APril 1992 SUNDAY

MARK EUBANKS

THREE NITES ONLY APRIL 24. 25. 26 MIKE

TV TAPING

No Smoking Nile

College Nile T-Shirt Nile

College Nile T-Shirt Nile

APRIL 19

APRIL21

APRIL22

APRIL23

BOB ZANY

BOB ZANY

CollegefT-Shlrt Nile

CollegefT-Shirt Nile

APRIL 29

APRIL30

CLOSE(} EASTER SUNDAY

Closed Private Parlll

BRAD STINE BRAD STINE College{T -Shirt Nile

MARK MARK EUBANKS EUBANKS APRIL24

APRIL25

MIKE MACDONALD

MIKE MACDONALD

Special Event

Special Event

Profile for The Telescope

The Telescope 45.20.1  

The Telescope 45.20.1 The Telescope Newspaper / Volume 45 / Issue 20.1 / April 01, 1992 / the-telescope.com

The Telescope 45.20.1  

The Telescope 45.20.1 The Telescope Newspaper / Volume 45 / Issue 20.1 / April 01, 1992 / the-telescope.com

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