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#HAWKS HAVEN

“Everybody has haters. People think Jesus didn’t exist. They think he wasn’t a miracle worker. There are people who say he didn’t walk on water, or he only walked on water because he couldn’t swim. Those people’s opinions mean dirt to me.” -All Pro Dickey Sherman

SPRING 13’

Misery Behold the end is near.... If you have that uneasy and unprecedented feeling that the Hawks are about to embark on a dynastic run, you are not alone. Any true Hawks fan will tell you that misery, heartbreak and any other adjective describing perpetual anguish and dissapointment are traditonally, the very fabric of the 12th Man’s soul. Somehow, beyond all belief and common sense the Seahawks appear to have seriously righted the franchise’s ship for the next half a decade. The Hawks finished the 2012 season in dominant fashion, and if it weren’t for some seemingly drug-induced-bone-headed play

This isn’t your dad’s Hawks

2013

calls in the ATL game, the Hawks might have hoisted the trophy this year. As far as Hawks Haven is concerned, the past is dust in the wind, only these Seahawks are the cooler Will Ferrell “Old School” version of the Kansas classic. With a hoist of young, proven talent, and (except for the ATL debacle anomaly) the enigma that is Coach Carroll @ the helm, these Seahawks are looking to compete for the Lombardy Trophy for years to come. By Jose Blanco

Who’s the shittiest Seahawk of all time? Tweet your answers to Hawks Haven using our Live Tweeting icon below the cube.

2012 #s @ a glance Number of Pro Bowlers Dickey Sherman’s picks Dangeruss’ QBR 12th man noise in decibels

6 8 100 112


Seattle fans had such an impact on the success of the team in the 1980's that Seahawks President Mike McCormack retired the number 12 on December 15, 1984.

future to PRESENT   Seahawk Nation was born in the 70's, established the loudest and most loyal fans in the 80's, added character in the 90's, earned respect in the following decade, and now we look to the future.  For decades, whether on the field or off, Seattle has endured bad decisions followed by bad calls.  Incomparable to any other year, the 12th Man has the highest expectations of its storied history.  Seattle has never backed their QB as they do with DangeRuss, while Beast Mode earns his Skittles and the D scars the enemy with violent accuracy.                           Along with the continuous education each Seahawk has accepted, Pete Carroll keeps adding fuel to the fire by signing a number of defensive competitors.  On the D line, we have Clemons back from a torn ACL to claim his job from the newbie’s.  In the backfield, a former star that can still get it done, Antoine Winfield, will help our polished CB’S and safety’s bruise whoever dares face us.  Our defense has developed a reputation for laying down the hurt, but their hits sometimes overshadow the low riding shoulder of Marshawn Lynch as he shatters “tacklers”.                           Finally, the Seahawks have a stellar defense that is backed by a running, throwing QB; a receiving core that is as good as it gets; a vicious running back; and a young, talented O line.  For the first time in franchise history, not only are the Hawks expected to be playing in February, Seattle is anticipating a champion’s party. 

The Hawks are young, talented and starving for the ultimate success and they will keep at it till the Lombardi trophy is in the Emerald city.  From what I have been told, the only thing better than a championship, is another championship and another…

by god

Hawks Haven Everywhere With the bad assness of the cube you can now enjoy Hawks Haven whether your in a trailer, a teepee or while wading in water, we’re ubiquitous dude.


2013 NFL Draft is gonna suck

Why that’s a good thing Long story short: This draft is a joke and we all know it. There is not a single franchise player in the 2013 class period. Guess what hawks fans? Who gives a shit, we’re stacked baby! For too many years we would hold onto false hope that the draft would be our savior, maybe just maybe Rick Meier or Maier or Mierer? Who gives a damn how you spell his name, would save the day. Rule numero uno with the draft is you NEVER draft anyone or anything that went to an Irish Catholic school with a French name from the Midwest. I’m 75% sure that’s in the Bible.

Last year, in the 3rd round we fortuitously discovered Russell-Young Man Muscle-Hustle & Bustle Dangeruss Wilson. We’re good. So shitty teams do your thing, search and search for that franchise dude that doesn’t exist. WE’RE GOOD. Other than Macklemore and Ryan Lewis, Seattle can for once genuinely be proud of our city. Seriously though, Hawks Haven refuses to legally recognize the aforementioned artist, yucky poo poo. by Jose Blanco

The only hoax was Manti Te’o’s skills on the field. Numbers never lie, but overrated Notre Dame linebackers do: Number of documented fake girlfriends:

1

Number of missed tackles in BCS title game: 40 Time:

∞ (infinity)

4.82

Draft Stock:

Plummeted


TASTE   THE   RAINBOW   BIATCH!!! Birth Name: Skittles Alias: Marshawn Lynch Religion: Beast Mode, sacrament is skittles Job Description: Plowing through anyone dumb enough to try to tackle him

Skittles went beast mode on his alma mater Of course he did... It may be off season for non-beast mode related players but for skittles, stuntin’ is a habit, even if it’s against college kids @ your own alma mater. On Saturday, March 23, he held an impromptu beast mode performance during the Cal’s spring game by subbing himself in the game in order to remind everyone who the greatest Cal running back of all time was. During skittles’ star studded time @ Cal he racked up 3,230 yards and 29 TDs in 3 seasons and was also named the 2006 Pac-10 Offensive Player of the Year. Skittles summed it up in eloquently skittles fashion by saying, “It felt pretty good, man.� If you type that in google translate under the language of beast mode, it roughly translates to “Taste the rainbow, biatch.�

GO HAWKS The city of Seattle finally got one again. It’s about damn time something went right for us long suffering Seattle fans. We had been missing one or in some cases, two, since the days of Ken Griffey Jr., Shawn Kemp, and Gary Payton. We had some that came close with guys like Shaun Alexander, Walter Jones, Ray Allen, Rashard Lewis, Randy Johnson, and yes even Alex Rodriguez. We got robbed of not one but two in Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook. What am I talking about? I’m talking about a franchise guy of not just the team he is playing on but the face of the city. The guy sports fans from around the country bring up when referring to Seattle. I’m talking about Russell Carrington Wilson, our 5’10’’ starting quarterback for the Seahawks.

Yeah I know the height issue and the whole underdog story surrounding Wilson has been beaten into the ground more than some of the defenders that take on “Beast Mode� Marshawn Lynch, but the happiness and pride he’s brought to not just the city of Seattle but Seahawks fans everywhere has been euphoric. We can’t stop talking what kind of player and person he is and how he’s brought us a very legitimate shot at winning the Super Bowl this year and many more years to come. On the field, he keeps plays alive with his feet and delivers pinpoint missiles into his receivers’ hands and just to show all of us that his height has nothing to do with his arm; he’ll throw the big downfield bombs to Sidney Rice and Golden Tate that gets us on our feet waiting in anticipation and usually ends with us in celebration. A person even made a YouTube clip of him literally ending all of his interviews with “Go Hawks!�, a genuine show of pride for his team and city. Check it out on the video pane of the cube. Off the field, just follow his Twitter account and you’ll see it littered with Bible verses, words of encouragement, love for his wife and daily visits to Seattle Children’s Hospital. All of this begs one question, is he real? He’s too good to be true but he’s true and good, # 3 sitting in the pocket at Century Link and on our TV sets, throwing the 12th man some honest to good championship reality. In the words of Russell Wilson, Go Hawks! by Shauna

DID YOU KNOW?

SeĂąor Lynch Did you know that Skittles also answers to the alias’ “Big Wood Johnsonâ€? & “Earth Childâ€??

SeĂąor Carroll Did you know that Petey was ironically born in San Francisco?


True fact: Percy juked his way out of his mother’s placenta.

11 Reasons Percy Harvin is going to be an MVP candidate this season

Dick Vitale just rolled over in his grave and yelled “this is awesome baby!” Percy Harvin is to football what Bruce Lee was to Kung Fu Cinema. I have no idea what the hell that means but I’m so excited about him touting a Hawks jersey that there is no adequate metaphor I can give to equate my excitement. You heard it at Hawks Haven first: PERCY HARVIN WILL BE A LEGITIMATE MVP CANDIDATE NEXT SEASON. Just go down the list mane: Blazing fast ✔ Crazy jukes ✔ Built like a Buick ✔ Seahawks Swag ✔

and.....Percy is NOT injury prone He’s a professional ‘I get the shit kicked out of me a for a living’ type of dude and at his position he’s gonna take a beating, but anyone who has ever played contact football knows that nobody is healthy as soon as the whistle blows. Yes he’s had a few setbacks, but homeboy is still a kid mane. Percy, glad you ditched that girly vikings purple. Welcome to Seattle, ‘The Sunshine State’. Now let’s go Battle of Seattle on the league and hijack that Lombardi trophy for the next 5 years by Jose Blanco

1. He already was an MVP candidate Before getting injured last year Percy was among the league leaders in yds, receptions and kickoff return yds. He was being talked about as an MVP candidate by all of the inner circles that matter. 2. Percy makes the read option ridunkulously scary Percy is the purest dual threat in the NFL. In his Pro Bowl 2011 season, Percy had almost 1,000 yds receiving and 400 yds rushing. Add his play making ability w/ Dangeruss and you have an orgy of offense, the like of which the NFL has never seen before. 3. AP is still sobbing “The best all around player I ever seen or you'll ever see! Goes to Seattle! I feel like I just got kicked in the stomach. Several times!!!” -AP 4. Veinte quatro anos Percy is only 24 years old for those of you who don’t understand the language of love....24!!! (He will be 25 in May, but if you’re complaining about that your missing the point.) 5. He’s a younger, faster, stronger and more talented Leon Washington after a keg stand of red bull Since 2009, no player has returned more kickoffs for TDs,,,yes that includes Leon Washington may he rest in peace. 6. 4.4 40 Percy ran a 4.4 which is faster than any current Seahawks offensive threat. 7. Arizona sucks balls 8. St. Louis sucks balls 9. Niners suck balls 10. Niners suck balls 11. NINERS SUCK BALLS


Cade Jensen created Hawks Haven in March 2013 as a creative and fan driven headquarters for the 12th Man. He is the starting quarterback at Carmichael Middle School in Richland, WA. Jose, god and Shauna are contributing bloggers for the e-Mag. Cade Jensen cannot be held responsibility for the vulgarity that oozes from their fingers as they type.

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