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The Fifth


Wardrobe Change

Protecting our endangered species: wolves and marriage

With a Brickyard full of Uggs and leggings, we appreciate your style, Mrs. Wuf. You’re always looking classy. The overalls-skirt hybrid you’ve been rocking really works for you. However, wearing the same thing every day, no matter how well it works, can get stale — the last thing you want in a relationship. It’s time to spice things up. Remind Mr. Wuf of what attracted him to you in the first place. Try losing the turtleneck and throw on some heels. And, if you really want to heat things up, consider a bit of role play. Dress up as a Blue Devil and see what happens. If you want to get even dirtier, try dressing up like a Pirate.


he woes of the single and cheap on Valentine’s Day are well documented and will not be covered today. Instead, we have decided to embrace the day. Specifically, we’ve decided to embrace the introspective aspect of the day. Valentine’s Day, even if it is a Hallmark holiday, forces us to take a moment and evaluate our relationships. What works about it, what doesn’t work. After five minutes of contemplation, we either get bored or depressed and turn to the relationships of others to draw a comparison. Today, we turn our attention to the iconic relationship of Mr. and Mrs. Wuf. Mr. and Mrs. Wuf are in the minority when it comes to love. While many collegiate mascots have made the life decision to remain single, Mr. and Mrs. Wuf simply could not. They tied the knot in 1981 at a Wake Forest basketball game. The ceremony was held at half-court, bouquet and all, and the two were cheered on by 11,800 of their closest friends. In the 31 years since, Mr. and Mrs. Wuf still find themselves together and, oddly enough, still in college. And, as with any relationship, theirs has had its ups (1983) and downs. In an attempt to revitalize the relationship, Mr. and Mrs. Wuf renewed their vows in January 2011. Romantically enough, it was at a Wake Forest basketball game. The renewal provided a jolt to their relationship but, a year removed, the relationship could use a little more work. We don’t claim to be licensed psychologists, but we’ve seen and cultivated many of their issues ourselves. We hope through pointing out some of the troubled areas of their relationship they can become an even better couple. We hope we can add another 31 years to their marriage. And maybe, just maybe, their continued marital bliss will finally convince the Blue Devil and Ramses to tie the knot. They’ve been playing games for far too long.

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CONTRIBUTORS Josh Lucas Elise Heglar Mark Herring Taylor Cashdan Alex Sanchez

Editor Deputy Editor Writer Designer Photographer

The Fifth is the Technician’s first parody section based on of collegiate life. It is in no way a reflection of the Technician or a representation of its views.

thursday, february 9, 2012 • Page 5

The Push-ups Mr. Wuf, we understand you probably drew in Mrs. Wuf, in part, due to your feats of strength. It is impressive that you can do more than 100 push-ups over the course of a football game. But, now that you’ve gotten the girl, you can afford to be less showy. Push-ups are a great exercise, but they shouldn’t be your only exercise. As you’re growing in years, we are sure Mrs. Wuf would prefer a healthy Mr. Wuf to a shredded Mr. Wuf. Consider enrolling in a Zumba class at Carmichael, or if you’re looking for something low-impact, take to the pool. A healthier you is a healthier relationship.

Heartbreak warfare John Mayer has a term for what you all do; it’s called “heartbreak warfare.” We understand when you all go to events you can’t spend all of your time together. No couple should be that involved. However, you should not be spending your intermittent time making each other jealous. When you’re apart your tendency is to surround yourself with groups of coeds. On the surface it looks like you’re just being sociable, but we all know this practice is less than friendly. You are just looking to get a rise out of each other and this practice has to stop — it’s not healthy. You two have committed your lives to being together; the days of jealousy and games should long be over.

Communicate Of course we’ll never know what goes on behind closed doors, but, from our perspective, it seems like you never talk to each other. We see you all constantly flirting with each other, waving at each other from across the stadium, twirling each other around the court, but we don’t see you ever talking. Your relationship needs to become something more than just physical. You need to start communicating outside of flirting. We’re not saying it has to be deep right away, just ask each other about your days and let the conversation evolve from there.

The Cupcaking We will always prefer those with a pleasant disposition to those without one. However, there is such a thing as being too happy. It’s hard to trust the overly happy; it raises too many red flags. Mr. and Mrs. Wuf, never have we ever seen you come close to a fight; you all are perfect in public. But nobody is perfect and nobody should strive to be. We know you have issues because we all have issues; no relationship is perfect. It’s high time you all stop suppressing whatever is ailing you down deep to keep up your public image. Let it out, fight it out. Now, we don’t want you to turn into the couple that constantly fights, but even that would be better than a couple that never stops cupcaking.


COmmUNICaTe CONTRIBUTORS The CUPCakINg The PUSh-UPS T h e F iF T h Editor Deputy Editor Writer Designer Photographer Josh Lucas Elise Heglar...