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THE DREAM OF THE '90s. In 1994 I was 16 years old, super into clunky shoes and overalls, and newly aware of the totally bangin' musical culture of Chico. At that very same time, a group of college students (including our own Bill Fishkin) started up "The Weekly Synthesis." Over the past few days I' ve been poring over those original issues. Some of it made me feel pangs of nostalgia-for the people I knew, the slang we used, the bands we loved, the general air of defiance and funky freshness-but mostly it just made me laugh.

LETTERS FROM THE OG Do you remember where you were when the Synthesis started out? (In diapers for some of you ... Tanner.) We've cracked open our time capsule (closet full of old newspapers) to celebrate 20 years in print, sharing the very first letters from two of our founding editors, Bill Fishkin and Richard Elsom.

THE DEATH LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX, OF GEN X You know that annoying thing people do when they end every sentence like it was a question? Where they get all high pitched at the end? Apparently that was a thing people complained about in 1994 too? Seriously though, I love this feature from our first issue(?)






Get a little he-said she-said action with two features extolling the virtues of safe sex, 90s style . "The World According To MIKEy" takes you on an emotional and off-putting journey, while "Mary's Bedroom Etiquette" shows us how prophylactic awkwardness can be avoided, or not.










Every single article was printed in a different font and sizesome were even handwritten with doodles in the margins. Ads for Azad's Martial Arts were on nearly every page. There were references to technology that's so far outdated I'd forgotten it. There were observations on youth and society that could still apply today if we swapped out a few names and dates. Over the course of the first three months there were not one but two interviews with Ride The Nine. Best of all though, there was optimism : this was going to be a paper that was different. This paper would promote the arts . This paper would give a voice to the community instead of talking down to them. The more things change, the more they stay the same. We have a cleaner look now, a slightly longer memory for who we've interviewed, better computers, more advertisers, and we don't deliver directly to people's homes (that was a thing!) .. .but our goals (and occasional jankiness) haven' t changed one bit. We want people to go see live shows . We want to spread information about what's happening where so no one ever has to be bored in this town. We want creative efforts to be seen and appreciated. We want people with something to say to write for us; to be the change you hope to see in our content, and put a spotlight on what you feel is important. We still need your help to give Chico the paper it deserves. Please go to our website, and submit events you think we should know about, or email editorial@ synthesis .net if you want to write or draw our attention to something you think would make a great feature . Included in this issue are several choice bits from those early days twenty years ago, and more than likely I'll be dropping more into issues throughout the year. I hope you enjoy them as much as I have!

JANUARY 6 - JANUARY 12, 2014


NOW HEAR THIS College Radio Top 20 From Synthesis Issue 1 1









Chloe is a 2 year old Labrador/Shepherd mix. Boy is she fun! She's a goofy, happy, wiggly dog who loves people more than anything in this world.

7 WEEZER - "WEEZER" 8 VELOCITY GIRL - "SIMPATICO" 2579 Fair Street Chico, CA 95928 • (530) 343-7917 •



10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20







Kathy Barrett

Arielle Mullen, Bob Howard, Erica Koenig, Howl, Jaime O'Neill, Koz McKev, Tommy Diestel, Dan O'Brien, Jackie Reardon, Negin Riazi, JD DiGiovanni, Jayme Washburn







For 19 years The Synthesis' goal has remained to provide a forum for entertainment, music, humor, community awareness, opinions, and change.

Colin Leiker, Mike Valdez


PHOTOGRAPHY Jessica Sid Vincent Latham

NERD Dain Sandoval



OWNER Bill Fishkin

Joey Murphy, Jennifer Foti The Synthesis is both owned and published by Apartment 8 Productions. All things published in these pages are the property of Apartment 8 Production s and may not be reproduced, copied or used in any other way, shape or form without the written consent of Apartment 8 Productions. One copy (maybe two) of the Synthesis is available free to residents in Butte, Tehama and Shasta counties. Anyone caught removing papers will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. All opinions expressed throughout the Synthesis are those of the author and are not necessa rily the same opinions as Apartment 8 Productions and the Synthesis.

The Synthesis welcomes, wants, and will even desperately beg for letters because we care what you think. We can be reached via snail mail at the Synthesis, 210 W. 6th St., Chico, California, 95928. Email Please sign all of your letters with your real name, address and preferably a phone number. We may also edit your submission for content and space.

210 West 6th Street Chico Ca 95928 530.899.7708 -



DESMOND LLEWELYN IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL Well kids, by the time this paper is in your hands, the new year will be upon us. I spent New Year's Eve with friends, listening to records with the Times Square hullabaloo on the TV on mute. A few seconds after the countdown, Mario Lopez interviewed strange women who looked like rejected extras from Rock Of

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New Year's Eve is certainly one of the more stress-inducing holidays. The countdown starts, jubilation runs high; the fuzzy excitement of anticipation holding everyone in its sweaty-palmed grasp. I think the key to a successful night is probably just keeping your plans simple. That, and staying in to don your best sweater suit (see image) and drinking champagne through a Krazy straw. Anywhoozle-speaking of booze, my favorite fictional boozy mascot, Mr. James Bond, was recently brought to mind (not that he ever really leaves), by the good folks at Geekologie. They've reported that researchers read Ian Fleming's entire set of James Bond stories in order to take a closer look at his drinking habits. What a downer, I know. After reading all 14 Bond novels, they concluded that what with all the chronic drinking and all, he'd probably die from alcohol related causes much sooner than succumbing to a death by lasers. According to their research, they found that, "Bond's weekly alcohol consumption totaled 92 units a week ... a real person would not be able to carry out such complicated tasks and function as well as Bond does while maintaining such habits." For their purposes, a "unit of alcohol" is defined as 10 milliliters of pure ethanol. This means that a bottle of wine is nine units, and a pint of beer is three. This also means that James Bond is the most high-functioning (albeit fictional) alcoholic of all time. Maybe that's been SPECTRE's real plan all along, turning Bond into an alcoholic and watching his inevitable decline. Think about it. The best Bond films were always the ones where

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the villain had a plan that could actually conceivably happen. With the astonishingly high number of alcoholics in this country (even just this zip code), it seems pretty dang plausible to me. In my eyes the real tragedy of this study was that in 14 Fleming novels, a fictional character's poor drinking habits was the issue that to them, begged further research. If given such an opportunity, I think I'd rather try to catalog every glaring example of Fleming's obvious hatred for homosexuals and minorities. And oh, they be plentiful. From the pages of Goldfinger: "Goldfinger took the cat from under his arm and tossed it to the Korean who caught it eagerly - 'I am tired of seeing this animal around. You may have it for dinner.' The Korea n's eyes gleamed." There are also some pretty glaringly obvious antihomosexual remarks as well, like when Bond explains to M (regarding Pussygalore), "Any woman who says she's gay hasn't met me yet." These vitriolic remarks are especially strange to me considering how close Bond and Qare always portrayed. Am I the only one who assumed that "Q" didn't just stand for "Quartermaster" ... ?


JANUARY 6 - JANUARY 12, 2014






We pay cash for your recyclables!! CRY ALUMINUM CANS $2.00/Pound

E-WASTE! We pay 5¢ per pound for TV's, Computers, Monitors and Laptops!! And, as a courtesy to our customers, we'll accept all other consumer electronics, such as lax machines, printers, VHS players, etc. as a drop-off, with no payments* * Some restrictions may apply Call for more information on getting cash for other recycla hie materia Is.

I remember before we had a wee one in our home, and friends and family would say, "Just wait until you have kids. The years will fly by!" and we would smile, nod and politely agree with them. All the while thinking, "Yeah, yeah. Time is time, it goes by at the same speed, kiddos or no kiddos." And yet. Here we are, with a 16 month old son and I will now swallow a little tasteless nibble of humble pie and then admit, that yes, holy crap, it does fly by faster. I honestly don't know where those 365 days went, it seems like summer was just starting yesterday and we were slathering the baby up with sunblock and hopping in the pool every chance we had.

The first time the baby sat in the high chair and ate with us at the table-organic baby oatmeal for him, and most likely some take out or frozen meal jazzed up with a side of green salad or steamed broccoli. I can't even remember what my husband and I ate, but the significance of finally sitting at the table for a meal, as a family, will stay with me always.

We were in Sacramento for a doctor's appointment for the baby-a scary, stressful, sleepless-night-inducing second appointment-and were told that he was okay. He was more than okay, the neurologist said he was growing and developing beautifully. Afterwards, we met a dear friend for lunch and enjoyed a medium rare bacon As I sit and write this, it is New Year's Eve. cheeseburger with blue cheese on the patio, in Because of deadlines and when this will get the sunshine, with my healthy little family and a much loved friend. published, you won't read this until next week, but it is, today, in real life, the last With the new year comes new adventures day of 2013. I am sitting here looking back and possibilities, new choices and decisions and feeling nostalgic for the past year-the to be made. My first decision of the new year ups, the downs, the sleepless nights, the is that I am going to stop writing this column, teething, the milestones (the baby is now and try to use that time and energy to focus walking, running in a very wobbly fashion on my food blog. If you like my voice and want and talking up a storm). to keep following my cooking (mis)adventures, I can be found at brownsugarandbacon. I always like to look back and try to think about the best meals of the year, as we food lovers/bloggers/obsessive I hope you all are ready for this new year, and photo-takers/writers tend to do, and I I hope it brings you laughter, happy moments, am struck this year by how most of the and bacon ... lots of bacon. meals were pretty ordinary and mundane on the surface, but hold meaning for me, nonetheless.


JA NU A RY 6 - JA NU A RY 12, 2014



A MESSY FOOT RACE A few teams that were expected to lumbered into the playoffs like behemoths: Chiefs, Sea hawks, and the Broncos. It is the under-the-radar teams that often make the largest splash on the way to the Lombardi trophy. I have talked briefly about the curse of the "best record," and Wild Card weekend has historically produced littleengines-that-could who stumble, frothing and foaming, into a Super Bowl berth. We need not look back very far to see that the Ravens were scheduled for a mediocre season last year before Lady Luck seemed to bless their every pass. 49ers fans are still embittered and Steelers fans groan at the mention of Ray Lewis and the Baltimore Ravens; yet, there's a cautionary tale there. Do not fall asleep on a hungry team that did not have the benefit of a soft schedule during the regular season. My team, the Patriots, is notorious for being gifted the easiest schedule on the books-and I can vividly recall two upstart Giants teams barreling their way through the playoffs and embarrassing the Brady Bunch. So, Sea hawks and Broncos fans, you are on notice: regular season dominance does not a championship make. I spent some time in Arizona over the holidays and headed over to Laughlin, where the living dead walk, to make some football bets. Nothing is more sobering than losing by a half

point; however, it has not dulled my love of blindly picking winners in advance. In the first AFC Wild Card game, I am taking the Colts over the Chiefs for the upset. Sorry Chargers fans, I see a firstround loss for you. The Saints are dominant at home and the Eagles are playing over their head-so New Orleans, we will see you in the second round. The Pack and Rodgers might be favorites here in the North State, but the 49ers have the capacity to make this embarrassing. I'm afraid Aaron Rodgers' return is a bit late and a first-round exit is in the cards. Moving on, we would have my Patriots lining up across from the red -headed wonder and the Bengals. No surprise here: Patriots mop the floor with them. Manning versus his old team; I like the symmetry and poetry of that. With the return of Welker and the offensive powerhouse that is the Denver Broncos, Andrew Luck does not get the chance for any jewelry this year. Sea hawks and the Saints: goodnight, New Orleans. Cam Newton and the Panthers have been spectacular this season and I think the 49ers run into that vaunted Carolina defense and watch the Super Bowl at home this year. Broncos and Patriots: Just look at history, folks-Brady


always seems to step on Manning's throat as he rounds the finish line every time. I'm taking my Patriots. Here comes the upset: I am taking Carolina over Seattle. What does that mean? We have a repeat of Super Bowl XXXVlll, with my Patriots grabbing the final Super Bowl win of the BradyBelichick era.

JAN UA RY 6 - JAN UA RY 12, 2014


~sll I Says #1 Originally published 1994, in the Weekly Synthesis Issue 1. I've always had really weird dreams; I'd tell one of 'em to someone and they'd look at me like I was insane or something. I had another one of these last night ...

.... ...,, ...

My girlfriend was working for this company and she happened to come across some information she wasn't supposed to, then (of course) she shared the information with me. The company was doing things to its workers, exposing them to substances and chemicals that would end up killing them. This information was vital to the company; they wanted both of us dead (this was the dream, are ya with me?). Later that night a postman came over and told us he was here to protect us. He was with one of his buddies, a big ugly guy. Suddenly, all this shooting broke out, and my girlfriend and I ran off and got in my Mazda. We drove for hours and ended up at some gas-station somewhere in the middle of nowhere. When we got out of the car, everyone started shooting at us! We hid and shot back, and nailed a few of the bad guys Lethal Weapon style. Soon that was over, and we were eating at some roadside trailer park diner, like the one at the beginning of Natural Born Killers {I don't even like steak and eggs). After we finished our gourmet meal we went out to the car and it wouldn't start; the engine was dead. To make matters worse, the car in front of us starting spraying liquid on us ... it was sick. Next thing I know, we're at some hospital all cleaned up, wearing those white gowns, having yet another meal {I guess I went to bed without my nightly fix ofTop Ra men), but this time we were accompanied by a very large nurse making sure we ate every bite. I had a feeling something was rotten in Denmark so I grabbed my girlfriend and kissed her. The nurse was offended and turned her head. I leaned over again, this time to her ear, and whispered, "Don't drink the lemonade they gave us, it tastes bad." Then-right when the plot was about to unfold -my damn alarm woke me up from this wacky dream. I laid there for a while, contemplating my dream, thinking "Jeez, I wonder if anyone else dreams that way. I'm crazy." But then I really thought about it ... Information is why we got in trouble in the first place (in my dream), information is power, people DIE over information. The whole thing with the lemonade too, it tasted bad. What happens when all the lemonade in town just doesn't taste that good anymore? Not that I drink that much lemonade (how 'bout beer, this is Chico) ... when you don't like the way something tastes, you change something; that's what we're doing. Chico is growing every day, I've been here for two years and I love it, it's a great place to live, go to school and hang out. We are filling a gap with this paper; this is being written for the people by the people. A lot of what we


JA NU A RY 6 - JA NUA RY 12, 20 14

focus on will be about entertainment, but we're going to touch on every subject that might concern you and I. We want to make positive changes in this town and be part of your everyday lives.

weird dreams.

This is your paper, not some corporate monster being sponsored by ... oh ... a bank or something (how'd ya like a brand new student l.D. card that's also an ATM card ... sponsored by Wells Fargo?). This is something for everyone and anyone; people can participate in it. Write us a letter, get involved in your city. We can do a lot in this area. Take out the calendar that's going to be right in the middle of every issue and stick it on your 'fridge, wall, bathroom door, ceiling-wherever-the calendar will tell you what's happening, where it's happening and when it's happening.

Personally I'd like to thank my girlfriend Paula for all of her love and support, John and Richard for being good partners in this tremendous endeavor, Luke Evans (without whom none of you would even be reading this), Mr. Azad and everyone else at Azad's Martial Arts Academy for their support, Brian at Tower for all the art and time he's contributing {I feel like I'm writing liner notes in a CD or something), Mike at KCSC for supporting this project and being an amazing writer, Mike Graben and Elbert Chan for all of their continued support and time dedicated to this project, ALL the other writers, Jeff at Kona's, Syb at Juanita's, Dan Ledford at Accualarm, Steve Mosher at Stash, Rick at Jake's, Peter at Pizza Face, and Dan and Ed at the Cosmic Travel Agency. Without all of you, NONE of this would be possible!!

If something's happening and we don't know about it, let us know, we're a newspaper and we're supposed to give you information-not the kind that's going to lead you to eating a bad breakfast at some cheesy diner in nowheresville-info that will make you want to go out and have fun.

Oh ... before I close this out for the week, there are soooo many people we want to thank for supporting us AND believing in us ...

One more thing, anyone out there want to write?

We're gonna shake things up in this town, make a positive change, inform people ... I'll let you know if I have any other


Letter From The Editor by Richard Elsom, Editor in Chief Originally published 1994, in the Weekly Synthesis Issue

Welcome to the Weekly Synthesis. With this issue we launch a risky adventure in grassroots journalism. This free weekly will give you access to what's happening in Chico. Not only will you find good things to read and do, but you will also find inside a place for your writing. What do you care about? What do you want to tell people in Chico? Let's use this paper to talk about the things of importance to us. Join us! As the weeks and years go on this paper will evolve. I'm not satisfied with the first edition. There are many things I

wish we had had the equipment and help to do better, but I'm proud of the product we've put together and know we learned a lot in the process. It will get even better. This is our first issue, therefore I will break most of my rules. As opinion page editor for the late Butte College Roadrunner for three semesters, I book-learned the way to write an editorial : one subject; one side of the argument only; persuasive and competing. But this is different. I'm giving birth to an idea fertilized in 1984 when I moved here and actively gestating since I became politically active in '86. Eight years is a long time and I hope the labor will last longer.

SEPTEMBER 13, 1994


x '-,(




~IJJ . ~='¡ ~


Make no mistake, this weekly is a partnership. Not just within the organization, but with all of you! We're a team, you and I. The staff, no matter how large, can not be everywhere, all the time; we need you! Did you attend a lecture, speech, rally, movie, concert, [etc] this week? Write and tell us about it. If this loose, co-op network can produce good coverage, we succeed. If not, this paper will appear a hollow shell of what it could be, but what the hell it'll still be better than any other newspaper in town!

going out to seek out information and calendar items! Do you know of an event that could use some publicity? Everyone in Chico has something to say. We may even do a "spill your guts to Chico" column using a phone line, if you don't want to write it ... You will notice, no doubt, an emphasis on music and entertainment in the first couple of issues. That's not because of a lack of interest in other areas, only that we wanted to do a few things well, instead of many things half-assed. This town already has a music scene that continues to amaze me in its scope. The only missing element is a weekly vehicle to promote shows and bands. I will be happy if we do that well, and in the process help turn out the crowds to great shows. As a member of the general plan task force, you can count on much more coverage of the "blueprint for growth in Chico" than currently exists, and as a "downtowner," you will be reading about the problems that face, and the successes that grace the heart of this community. This paper won't be sugar coating shit. If it smells bad to us it might smell bad to you. Why air out the room before we invite you in? There's a lot of anger in this community, especially among the young and poor. We can't hide our collective heads in the sand anymore!

,,, _/



We have many issues in this town to discuss. Let's get off our asses and write about them! This paper will be home delivered to a large area around downtown, the CAUTION: Read at your own risk!!! university, and Chico High. Not only that, but TIIEWORJ ,D instead of sitting in our ACCOR GING TO MIKEy offices and waiting for Pick me up and read me!!! you to call us with your FREE! FREE!! FREE!!! story or event, we will have outreach efforts .__T_h_e_w_e_e_kl_v_sv_n_th_e_si_s_#1_c_o_v_er_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ___, investigative reporters



JA NU A RY 6 - JA NU A RY 12, 2014


The Death of Generation X by Mike Wright Originally published 1994, in the Weekly Synthesis Issue 1.

Generation X. The term appears everywhere, from MTV to Time magazine, describing the '90s youth culture as a lost generation of "baby busters" that have given up on the world. But does it really exist, or is it just another manufactured product of the media? Was it America's own grungy, longhaired, long-overdue response to the British punk movement, or merely a response to the realization that in 1990s America, after going through twelve ruthless years of right-wing government, perhaps there really is "no future?"



One could argue that the worst enemy of the establishment thirty years ago would not have been Woodstock, but rather a clean, organized, articulate, and non-drug infected movement of youth which actively sought to take political power away from those who created Vietnam and all of its side effects.

Most of the youth I speak to say that the most common denominator in the whole "Generation X" concept is no concept at all, that whatever the media termed Generation Xis little more than a bundle of directionless angst, mixed with a heap of leftover apathy from previous years. Observers of pop culture will point out a deep irony in the suggestion that the so-called "grunge" scene which personifies Gen X arose as a derivative of punk. Unlike the British youth of the '70s, who took a 180 degree turn in fashion, sound, and politics when the punk movement began, the grunge scene was represented by a fashion and sound which was essentially no different than the metal bands of the mid-'70s. American youth in the '80s flirted with a half-hearted commitment to punk, then returned to the flannel shirts, blue jeans, and masturbatory guitar flourishes which unite both Pearl Jam and Lynyrd Skynyrd into one long blur, almost as if nothing ever happened at all to change the sound and style of popular music. The one difference lies in the question of politics, which does borrow heavily from the nihilism of much of the classic "Punk" years. The music of the mid-'70s was apolitical and idealistic. Today there is a sense of protest, but rather than any focused alternative, the "Xers" hazy visions of anarchy and cheap beer all lie on a bed of stale cynicism which, more than angry, is simply a bit tired. On one hand, half of today's youth appear to be totally unconcerned about anything; a dangerous position for a dangerous world. On the other, the other half don't blink when you mention the concept of social and political revolution; in fact they're more likely to ask you when, where, and how, even if their perspective is a bit cliched. Behind the self-deprecation of today's youth, the chronic "uptalk" that signals an insecurity with their own opinions, and the celebration of a "loser chic" that rewards failure over success, there lies a deep-seeded disgust with the universal unavailability of the American Dream. The problem stems from the fact that the model of success foisted upon us as desirable has no connection with what may be called our own more egalitarian set of values. Still, it's pretty hard to dream when all of the dreams you've had are nightmares. The '90s generation lives in a


JA NU A RY 6 - JA NUA RY 12, 2014

the polish of arrogant Young Republicans with shining teeth and warped ideals. Is it possible, that the clash of these two phases of our recent history just might result in a tightly focused and fed up movement of youth, with shining teeth and left-wing goals, which could transform the latter half of the '90s into an impetus for lasting social change?

I. , '

nation where the notion of health care as a human right (which was acknowledged by the UN in 1948) is seen as an alien concept akin to Orwell's 1984; a nation where the idea of education as something any decent society should readily provide, even for kindergarteners, is being challenged by an "I've got mine, Jack" attitude of postReagan era selfishness with no concern for others. We deal with baby boomer leaders who talk about their glory days of the '60s; while conveniently ignoring the fact that had there been any real change then, we wouldn't be in the position we are now, of low jobs, no jobs, and few opportunities to "make the difference" we've always been told we should.

One can (and will) argue that rather than relive the past through its sick commercial imitations (Woodstock '94 et al), which glamorize both laziness and capitalism masquerading as revolution, we would do better to take the opportunity to create such a movement as the one suggested above, in order to show the media and corporate powers who would keep us doped up through their plastic pseudo-politics that the real thing is coming home to roost. That movement begins with the death of Generation X, and the birth of a new way of looking at what it means to be revolutionary in the 21st century. When we talk about the dynamics of any generation, we're talking about the evolution of life. In today's info-media timeframe, generations which may have once been defined in blocks of ten years now shift every five years. The mood of the so-called Generation X, rising on the cusp of the decade and dying halfway in, is already fading into something more focused, something in search of a radical vision they can call their own.

In the course of human events, however, the anxieties of one time become the actions of another; the most important question today for those of us who fall into the ambiguous category of "youth" is how we move from the "whining" we're accused of, to the active presence of mind necessary to take back our lives and build our own plan for our own future. What steps do we take to move from apathy to activism? Once upon a time, there was a strange little German man named Hegel, who put together a theory known as the dialectic. The idea is that anything plus its opposite will naturally yield something altogether different which, while having some properties of both, will still transform these properties into something new. Generation X, with all of its debatable components, is the chaotic, fed-up opposite to an equally debatable era of tightly focused and aimed right-wing goals, personified by


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Weds, Fri & Sat Nights!

9 Ball Tournament.

$9 SN Pitcher 8PM-Close

PBR $2.2S Everyday!

Sign-up at noon. Starts


$6.SO DBL calls

Baby Back Ribs w/Salad, Fries & garlic bread $10.99 8pm-Close $4 Single/$6 Double Jack or Captain $2 Sierra Nevada

All ages unbl lOPM

FREE Pool after lOPM $S.19 Grad/Garden/



Daily Happy Hour



$5 Bottles of Champagne

from 4-7PM

1 hr. with every $8

Turkey Burger w/fries

with entree

PBR $2.2S Everyday!


or salad

All ages until lOPM

Bloodies $3 Well, $4 Call, $S Top, $6 Goose


$4.SO Bloody Mary $S.SO Absolut Peppar


Bloody Marys

Mimosas $2/fiute, $S/pint $6 Be er Pitchers

FREE Pool after lOPM







Patio! Happy Hour 4-6:

Come see our beautiful


PBR $2.2S Everyday!

Nevada Drafts

Come see our beautiful


Daily Happy Hour from 4-7PM

3-6PM v$3.SO Dbl Wells 6PM -close $8 Dom Pitcher $9 SN Pitcher

Come see our beautiful


Mon-Fri happy hour 11-2PM $2.50 Dom & Sierra



~ cf ~; c;&~Lfr'.5' ~ ~





Happy Hour 11-6PM

BURGER MADNESS! Bear Burger w ith fries


EVERY DAY Happy Hour-4-7pm $1.7S Pints, $1.00 Shots, 1/2 off all Single coc ktails,

$2 Marqis $3 Cuervo Marqis $2.50 Corona's & Sierra Drafts

or salad for $5.29.

$1.00 Food items


2 for 1 Burge rs llam-8pm

Mon-Sat 3PM-6PM $1 Dom draft, $2 SN draft, $2 we lls Hot Drinks now available

select bottles & drafts

$1 Kamikazes $3 Jameson and Skw Special


Lounge V 1 p u 1tra

BEA R W EA R! 1/2 off w hile wea rin g Bea r Wea r. MUG CLUB 4-lOPM

$2 All Day $2 Select Sierra Nevada or Dom Drafts


$3 Tea of t he Day Bartender Specials Happy Hou r 4-Bpm

Happy Hou r- 4-7pm Buck

Progressive Night !

night 9pm-lam

8-lO PM $ 1 Sierra Pale



Ale, Domesti cs, Rollin g Rock & we ll coc ktail s

$2 Kamis -any flavo r

up lOPM-close 25C per

hour-close Mon-Sat free pool 6-8PM Hot Drinks now available



All 16 oz Teas or AMF $3

$3 Tea of the Day

Happy Hour- 4-7pm

Buck Night 8-close

Post time @ lOpm .

All Day

Bartender Specials

1/2 off all coc ktails, $1.75 Drafts, Guest bartend ers eve ry wee k

$1 well cocktails, Sierra

W in T-shirts and Bea r

Happy Hour 4-Spm

Bucks. MUG CLUB 4-lOPM


Nevada Pal e Ale, Rolling Rock, dom draft $3 Bl ac k Butte

$5 Vodka Red bull $6.50 Apple Cinnamon Cider $2.50 Pinnacle Cocktails

Drink specials!

$2.50 Pint of Sierra Nevada Half Off Rockstar Cocktails

$2 Select Bee rs $3 Teas


Happy Hour 11-6PM

Buck Night

Bea r Burge r w ith fries

$2. 75 se lect bott les &

9pm -Close

or salad for $5.29. llam-lOpm.


$ 112oz Select Teas

$3 20oz All Teas $216oz Wells

$1 Well Cocktails $2 Select Bottle Beers

$2.50 Fireball Shots $2.50 Pints of Sierra Nevada

VIP Bottl e Service

$5.50 Doubl e Pinnacle


Drink spec ials!


Vodka & Red Bull $3 Double We ll Cocktails

Half Off Rocksta r Cocktails $2.50 Pint of Sierra Nevada $3 Featu red Shot of the

$$ Bartend er 's Choice $$


Free Happy Hour Food 4PM until it's gone

$3 Tea of the Day Bartend er Specials

Happy Hour 11-6PM select wells, bottles and pints $2.75

Happy Hour- 4-7pm SO cent we ll drinks 9-lOpm $2 Kamis,

8-9PM $1 pale ale and dam draft

$2 Fireball, $3 Cherry Blasters, $2 bottl e Bee r lOpm-lam

up 25C pe r hour until

Power Hour 8-9PM

Happy Hour 5-8PM $5 House Martinis

food items and pitch ers of


$4 Glass of House Wine

bee r are $5

$3 Pal e Ale Drafts $9.75 Pal e Pitchers Hot Drinks now available

$3 Well Cocktails 20% off w in e by bottl e $1 off Call liquor and bottl ed bee r

Mon-Sat 3PM-6PM $1 Dom draft, $2 SN draft,

$3 Tea of t he Day

Happy Hour- 4-7pm

$4 Sierra Nevada Knightro

Bartend er Specials

Hot dog m enu all day

ONLY $4.99 ! Mon-Sat lOpm - lam .

ON TAP $1 Jell o Shots 7-lOPM $3 Rumpy, Jager and Fireba ll

Football Specials:

llam-Spm, All Day and

Bucket of Beer

All Night Tall ca ns of bee r

Baca rdi Cocktails

(24oz) $3.50, $2 Capri sun Shots, All Teas $3.50, Tea

$4 Glass of House W in e

Party 9-llpm 32oz Teas are $2.50

$9.75 Pal e Pitch ers

and bottl ed bee r


Call To Rent For Private


$4 World Famous Bloody

Brunch lOam - 2pm

Happy Hour- 4-7pm


Bea r Burger w ith fri es

Joe $5 Premium bloodys your choice of vodka

Football Specials

Champagne Brunch


Happy Hour 5-8PM $5 House Martinis

$2 we lls Power Hour 8-9PM 1/2 off Liquor & Drafts 9-Close Pale Ale Drafts


or salad for $5.29.

Hot Drinks now available

1/2 off Liquor & Drafts

(Except Red Bull and Premium Liquors)

Go Dow n Lo


Happy Hour- 4-7pm

$4 Sex On Th e Beach

Skyy & Red Bull


$5 Fridays 4-Spm Most


Southern Comfort

$3 Hot Licks $4.50 Doubl e Baca rdi

$3 Well Cocktails 20% off w in e by bottl e $1 off Call liquor

Hot Drinks now available


930am-lpm, Every Nfl Game (20 Tv's), $3 Bloody marys, $3 screwdrivers, $5 pitchers of bee r


JAN UARY 6 - JANUARY 12, 2014








Renowned Jamaican reggae singer and deejay, Anthony B, swoops in with some other great bands for a massive show to send off the old layout of Lost before their upcoming renovations. $12 presale tickets are available at Sip ho's Jamaican restaurant. 9pm

Dual CD release party for Mom and Dad & Dump Star, joined by Aberrance and Insane Nightmare (who apparently missed the memo about releasing a CD) . They may or may not appear this blurry in person; you'll have to go to find out. $5. Doors 7:30pm, show 8pm






Opening night of the greasiest musical ever (unless you count Grease II: Revenge of the Grease). Cover your entire body in pomade and sew yourself into a lycra cat suit-you won' t regret it. Tickets are $20 for adults, $12 for kids 12 and under. Show starts at 7:30pm

DJ MATTLEAX E 1078 GALLERY Cold Blue Mountain needs your help to raise a little money before they go on tour (something about eating to stay alive). In return, they will play music. $5. All ages. Doors 7:30pm, show 8pm

OTHER NEW AND EXCITING THINGS 6 MONDAY Cafe Coda: First Mondays Jazz. Dave Elke, Greg D'Augelli, Jonathan Stoyanoff, Robert Delgardo. $10. Doors 6:30pm, music 7pm Cafe Flo: Word Play poetry night. 7-9pm

7 TUESDAY Sierra Nevada Big Room: Tribute to


JA NU A RY 6 - JA NUA RY 12, 2014

Sonny Boy Williamson II. $30. Sold Out. 7:30pm

8 WEDNESDAY Downlo: Reggae Night with DJ O'Snap. 8pm

10 FRIDAY Cafe Coda: Nate Furgason, Chico Jazz Collective. 8pm Chico Women's Club: Ebony and

Ivory Series: Dr Robert Bowman. Accompanied by several talented musicians and singers. 6:30pm The Maltese: A night of acoustic performance. Thomas Fogg, Sean Harasser, Bran Crown, Lisa Marie, Sir Francis Lee Howard, Fera. $5. 9pm

Unitarian Fellowship: Legends of the Celtic Harp. $15-$20. All ages. 7:30pm

11 SATURDAY The Maltese: Black Fong. $3 . 9pm The Tackle Box: Country music from Flat Busted. $2.

The Tackle Box: Country music from Alyssa Audrey, Six Shooter Sunrise. $2.




The Bear: Bear-E-oke! 9pm Cafe Flo: Live Jazz Happy Hour with the Carey Robinson Trio. 5-7pm. Prints by artist David Plant.

Chico Women's Club: Prenatal Yoga. 5:30-6:30pm

DownLo: Poo l League. 3 player teams, signup with bartender. 7pm. All ages until lOpm Empire Coffee: Group show of figure drawings.

Maltese: Open Mic Night. Music. Signups at 8pm, starts at 9pm. Mug Night 7-11:30pm

University Bar: Free Pool 6-8pm Woodstock's: Spelling Bee for the Grownups. 6:30-7:30pm

7 TUESDAY Cafe Flo: Open Mic SingerSongwriter Night with Aaron Jaqua. 7-9pm. Prints by artist David Plant.

Chico Women's Club: Yoga . 9-lOam. Afro Carribean Dance. $10/class or $35/mo. 5:50-7pm. Followed by Capoeira, $3-$10. 7:30-8:30pm

Open Mic. All ages. 7pm


Avenue 9 Gallery: Lenn Goldmann:

Has Beans: Open Mic Night.

BassMint. Weekly electronic dance party. $3. 9:30pm

New California Abstrcts. 12-Spm

7-lOpm. Signups start at 6pm

University Bar: Free Pool 6-8pm

The Bear: Trike Races. Wint-shirts

Holiday Inn Bar: Karaoke. 8-llpm

and Bear Bucks. Post time lOpm. Mug Club 4-lOpm

LaSalle's: Thirsty Thursdays,


featuring Mack Morris

Cafe Flo: Carey Robinson Trio.

Maltese: Karaoke. 9pm-close.

5-7pm. Prints by artist David Plant.

Panama's: Eclectic Nights. Buck

Chico Women's Club: Afro

night and DJ Eclectic. 9pm

Brazilian Dance. 5:30-7pm

lOOth Monkey Cafe & Books: Knitting Circle. 2-4pm

Avenue 9 Gallery: Lenn Goldmann: New California Abstrcts. 12-Spm

DownLo: 8 Ball Tournament.

Quackers: Karaoke night with Andy. 9pm-lam

The Bear: DJ Dancing. No Cover.

Signups 6pm

University Bar: Free Pool 6-8pm

Cafe Flo: Prints by artist David

Duffy's: Dance Night! DJ Spenny and Jeff Howse. 9pm. $1.

VIP Ultra Lounge: Acoustic


performance with Bradley Relf. 7-9pm. No Cover.

Cal Skate: Adults only skate night.

Woodstock's: Open Mic Night.

Crazy Horse Saloon: Ladies Night


Dancing. 10pm-1:30am

Empire Coffee: Group show of figure drawings. The Graduate: Free Pool after lOpm


$6. 18+.9-llpm

lOOth Monkey Cafe & Books:

DownLo: 9 Ball tournament.

Writing Group, everyone welcome. 9-10:30am

Acoustic Music Singer Songwriter Showcase. 7:30pm

Sign ups noon, starts at lpm.

Maltese: Friends With Vinyl!

Avenue 9 Gallery: Lenn Goldmann:

Jesus Center: Derelict Voice

New California Abstrcts. 12-Spm

Bring your vinyl and share up to 3 songs/12 minutes on the turntable. 9pm-lam

The Beach: DJ 2K & Mack Morris.

The Tackle Box: Swing Dance

The Bear: DJ Dancing No Cover.

9pm-close. $2, $10 VIP

Empire Coffee: Group show of figure drawings.

The Graduate: Free Pool after Holiday Inn Bar: DJ Dancing. 70s

Wednesday, classes 7-9pm


University Bar: Free Pool 6-8pm

Cafe Coda: Friday Morning Jazz

Revival! 8pm-midnight

Crazy Horse Saloon: All Request

VIP Ultra Lounge: Laurie Dana.

with Bogg. llam

LaSalle's: 1980Now! 8pm

Karaoke. 21+


Cafe Flo: Flo Sessions weekly

DownLo: Game night. All ages

Woodstock's: Trivia Night plus

Maltese: Live Music. 9pm Quackers: Live DJ. 8:30pm-lam

until lOpm

Happy Hour. call at 4pm to reserve a table. Starts at 8pm

music showcase. 7-lOpm. Prints by artist David Plant.

Chico Yoga Center: Friday Night

Farm Star Pizza: Live Jazz with


Dance Jam with Mark Johnson. $10. 7-8:30pm

Shigemi and Friends. 6:30-8:30pm

Avenue 9 Gallery: Lenn Goldmann:

Crazy Horse Saloon: Fusion Fridays.

figure drawings.

Scotty's Landing: Music Showcase. Open Mic hosted by Rich & Kendall. 5-9pm University Bar: Free Pool 6-8pm

Holiday Inn Bar: Salsa Lessons,

New California Abstrcts. 12-Spm

Country dance lessons 9-10:30pm



The Bear: DJ Dancing. No Cover.

DownLo: Y, off pool. All ages until

Cafe Flo: Prints by artist David

LaSalle's: ' 90s night. 21+




Maltese: Karaoke. 9pm-Close

Cafe Flo: Blues Unplugged with

Duffy's: Pub Scouts- Happy Hour.

Chico Theater Company: Grease.

Studio Inn Lounge: Karaoke.

Mark " Porkchop" Holder. 7-lOpm. Prints by artist David Plant.


Adults/$20, kids/$12. 2pm

Empire Coffee: Group show of

Chico Yoga Center: Ecstatic Dance

figure drawings.

with Clay Olson .. 7:30-9:30pm

The Graduate: Free Pool after

DownLo: Free Pool, 1 hour with every $8 purchase. All ages until lOpm

DownLo: Chico Jazz Collective every Thursday. 8-llpm. All ages until lOpm


Empire Coffee: Group show of

Holiday Inn Bar: DJ Dance Party.

figure drawings.


LaSalle's: Karaoke. 9pm


Empire Coffee: Group show of

Maltese: LGBTQ+ Dance Party.

Maltese: Walking Dead Viewing

figure drawings.


Party. 9pm

lOOth Monkey Cafe & Books:

The Graduate: Free pool after

Peeking Chinese Restaurant:

The Tackle Box: Karaoke. 8pm


The Tackle Box: Karaoke. 9pm University Bar: Free Pool 6-8pm Woodstock's: Trivia Challenge. Call at 4pm to reserve a table. Starts 6:30pm


lOpm and 80s music. The Molly Gunn's

Empire Coffee: Group show of


Jarm. fr<!Jh. 9tafiaa. 1020 MAIN STREET CHICO '"•?) 530.3~5.2233 (G•..,-


J A NU A RY 6 - JA NU A RY 12, 2014





REMEMBER, YOU READ IT HERE FIRST: FEARLESS PREDICTIONS FOR2014 Yes, boys and girls, it's a brand new year again, when journalists trot out predictions for the months that lie ahead, prognostications for the future that provide interesting reading for all of those who peer so fearfully ahead, wondering what surprises fate holds in store for us all. And for those who concoct these predictions, the risks of being wrong are very small since no one ever saves these columns to check on the accuracy of our guesses after another twelve months have elapsed. Still, I'm pretty damn sure the predictions that follow are almost certain to come true. As the saying goes, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that over the next year, the following things are gonna happen. 1. More children will die needlessly of gun violence. In the year since the Newtown massacre, 194 kids under 12 have been shot to death, 127 of them in their own homes. School shootings are even more common than stories about Lindsay Lohan's legal troubles. So, with grim certainty, I predict more dead kids, lots of them on our school grounds.

2. Following each mass shooting there will be a brief flurry of hand wringing by commentators and politicians about what 's gone wrong, and what can be done. 3. The National Rifle Association will remind us that the Founding Fathers believed in the right of every American to have weapons in whatever caliber and magazine capacity they might want, and that anything less would be an intolerable curtailment of our god-given right to live in a country where we sacrifice our kids to our love of our shootin' irons. 4. Nothing whatsoever will be done-no legislation, no restrictions, no sanity.


JANUARY 6 - JANUARY 12, 2014

5. Gun sales will spike after each school shooting as Americans rush to buy guns they fear the government plans to ban. 6. Justin Bieber will do something callow and stupid. He will also make more money than can be justified by his talent, his fading appeal, or his contribution to humanity. 7. Ditto, Miley Cyrus. 8. At least once a month, Barack Obama will do something every preceding president has done. When Obama does it, however, it will prompt outrage at Fox "News" and throughout the right wing noise machine. He will shake hands with someone the right doesn't like, or he will forget to put on his American flag pin, or he'll use the wrong fork during a White House dinner. Limbaugh and clones will go ape shit for two days, lamenting how far we've fallen from the golden days when white men were in the White House, and decent folk could lynch black guys who got too uppity. 9. Somewhere on the planet, there will be a cold snap, causing Anthony Watts and other climate change deniers to say, "see, we told you climate change was a liberal hoax." 10. Republicans will continue their group meltdown at the prospect of medical coverage being extended to millions of their fellow citizens. Clip and save this column. If I haven't called at least 9 of these accurately, your money will be cheerfully refunded.






Right now I'm sitting on the floor of the living room. The dogs have taken over the couch and I don't feel like sitting out on the porch, in the cold. There is no coffee in the house, and undoubtedly this column will be all the worse for the lack of it. It is the morning before the New Year, 2014. What a trip. The past year went by in such a blur I can barely remember any of it, but I recall losing my job in there somewhere. Who says good things don't happen to bad people? I have no resolutions for the upcoming year. I gave up on resolutions years agothey are only promises to be broken. If you want to do something, or change something, don't wait until the New Year to do it, go for it right away. New Year's is a rotten time to try changing things anyway-it's muddled in the beginning of winter, the days are short, the weather's bitter and cold. Winter is time for hunkering down and sticking to what you know works. Save your big ideas for spring, when hope springs eternal. For winter: burn wood, drink liquor, put on weight, wear warm clothes. Rely on the simple, proven things to get you through the dark, cold months. It makes no sense that the calendar changes over on January first anyhow. It's arbitrary. It should turn over on the winter solstice, when the days stop getting

shorter and finally grow longer again, or better yet the calendar should turn over on the eve of the spring equinox, when everything is coming back to life. Well, we made it through Christmas anyway, so at least we have that to be thankful for. Archie, our Lab/Terrier puppy has grown into quite the rangy rascal. He's not nearly as thick as either of the truer Labradors, but he is every bit as tall, and takes full advantage of his height to sort out whatever food related items we might have left on the countertops. He has also recently discovered his bark; it is a higher-pitched, more anxious kind of a bleat than we're used to. Arch also discovered the donkeys who live next door, and alternates between aggression and terror in his interactions with them. I'm way out of the zone right now-caffeine withdrawal and my head feels like a cold lump of clay. I keep yawning and my fingers tremble a little. I'm plowing through an awful, depressing, pedantic book called The Lost Weekend. It describes the inner thoughts of a serious alcoholic as he goes through the rigmarole of a five day bender. It's horrible, and I don't know why I keep reading it, except that now I'm over two hundred pages in with less than fifty to go and I can't give up. Luckily I've got some Jim Thompson novels lined up to reward myself for having made it through this tedious and harrowing diatribe. Nothing like murder and mayhem to cheer you right up.


JAN UA RY 6 - JAN UA RY 12, 2014






As blues aficionados know, there were two great musicians who bore the name Sonny Boy Williamson. One of those blues harp players died in 1948, and the other carried on his legacy until his harmonica was, in turn, silenced in 1965. Lots of the young white guys inspired by those seminal harp players are long gone. But John Mayall, the Brit blues giant who turned a generation of music lovers on to the blues, is going to be in Chico tomorrow night, carrying the torch lit by blues harp players down on the Mississippi delta and on the South Side of Chicago before the needle first came down on the vinyl that ignited Maya Il's lifelong celebration of sounds created a long way from London. The late Norton Buffalo, harmonica player extraordinaire, once told me that the instrument he played was actually pretty simple, and easy to play. I was a little dashed to learn that. I'd spent years assaulting the ears of late-night guests at parties by attempting to accompany blues albums, so when Mr. Buffalo declared that the harp ain't hard to play, I was a bit downcast because I never did get good at playing it. Had I not been inebriated at those parties, I wouldn't have exposed my musical ineptitude to my friends. Luckily, most of them were usually wasted, too, so some of them still tell me I sounded pretty good. But no one needs to be drunk to appreciate the sounds created by the harp players Mark Hummel brings to the Sierra Nevada Big Room each year with his rotating troupe that always includes the best blues harp players around. Which explains why tomorrow night's show is sold out. Butte County blues lovers have made a tradition of kicking off the year by showing up at Hummel's shows because they know that he's a top notch player in his own right, and that he always showcases masters of the instrument when he ramps up for each new "blowout" tour.


JA NU A RY 6 - JA NU A RY 12, 2014

In addition to John Mayall, the guy who gave Eric Clapton his first gig, this year's line up includes Curtis Salgado and Rick Estrin. Estrin, as blues fans know, is the rather astonishing guy who played and sang with Little Charlie and the Night Cats for years, and now fronts that band. Little Charlie Baty, himself, will also be on hand for tomorrow night's show, lending his signature guitar licks to all those harp players who will be channeling the spirit of Sonny Boy II for blues fans who weren't around when the template for blues harp was being laid down. Chances are good that Bob Littell will also join those other harp players for a song or two, as he's done in the past. And it wouldn't surprise me if blues great and Paradise ridge resident Lazy Lester didn't also show up to share a lick or two. I, however, will modestly refrain from sharing that stage with guys who can actually play the instrument I've only played at playing.






The skies are red. Everything is red, here at the end. Four people follow behind me, four people believing what I said about escape through the Point Of Departure. Others, driven mad by the end, have accosted us. Nihilists. Perhaps they could smell our sense of desperate purpose, could sense that we had a way out... There was no more time to spend even a moment to talk our way out of trouble. The planet's reality had maybe an hour left, just one hour before everything crumbled away. There was no more time. The Nihilists' bodies lay a mile or so behind us. Finally, I had led my friends-of-circumstance and I to the entrance of a valley. Crossing it to its opposite east side would put us in foothills, where the Point Of Departure awaited. There would be no protection from the elements down there while we crossed ...just a flat plain, now burned sere. We five survivors held hands in a line to keep together. It felt as if the red skies were trying to swallow us up, and the winds blew fire through us. It was all I could do to concentrate on walking. One foot in front of the other... One foot in front of the other. These people are counting on me. I'm counting on me. My feet no longer hit ground, but sank up to my ankles in a fine white ash that filled the entire valley. Everything was red, and the end was fast turning the entire planet to dust. I felt something pulling my eyes to the north. My face turned left, towards the horizon. "Lord help us," were the words that escaped my lips. My feet kept walking, but the eyes were transfixed. I could see the soul of the planet: Two stars, rising there on the horizon. The twin

suns were the planet's life source, and now they were rising into the sky, leaving their old, dead planet behind. This moment is forever burned in my memory ... As I looked at the twin stars, burning a deep red into everything, I could feel the soul of this planet, naked, vulnerable, desperate and surrendered. Somehow, it knew I saw, and it saw into me in return. It filled me with fear, fast turning to urgency, and helped me speed my steps. The ground began to slant up; we'd reached the eastern foothills. Some fifteen minutes later, Reality began to thicken again. The white ash underfoot gave way to cracked dirt, and a scattering of what had once been trees spread out around us. The Point Of Departure. Three men were waiting there for us. "Finally." I said. "Do you have it? We brought our half of the Key." Like myself, these men were armed. The middle of them held a pitchfork, and his leader, standing to his left, answered. "Yeah." he said, smiling. He reached towards me with his left hand, to show the Key of our escape-it dropped to the ground. "Woops." he said, bending down to retrieve it. My eyes blinked. Something was wrong with this man. There was no more time. I sent three blasts from my shotgun into his belly. Boom! Pull. Boom! Pull. Boom! The man with the pitchfork had at me, and I slid around his thrusts. My pistol came out and placed two holes in his chest. No more time for thought. I must be quicker than thought. The planet's soul had seen me. I turned to where I knew the last Nihilist would be standing, and filled him with the rest of my clip. Three, then six, then nine holes, ending his life, guaranteeing our escape. I screamed as he fell, and I felt the planet screaming with me.


J A NUA RY 6 - JA NU A RY 12, 2014



Bedroom Etiquette

Originally published 1994, in the Weekly Synthesis Issue 1. Condom etiquette. It's kinda a contradiction of terms, and yet ... and yet it's this area of non-discussion which only end-results in awkwardness and mystery.

So you say:

Permit me to elaborate ...


OK, you and your significant (or insignificant) other are getting ready to hump and desiring the protective protectiveness of a latex sheath. You both soberly agree to incorporate a condom into your sex play. The condom is sitting patiently by the bedside, on the nightstand, waiting to be of some assistance, so one of you reaches for it, and tenderly and lovingly puts it on. The director then yells cut, the costume and makeup people rush in ...

"Listen dude, do not even think of poking me with that potentially disease-filled thing."

Back to reality. You're with a person you've met three hours ago at a club. You can barely walk, but you're prepared to engage in a sport that can potentially spawn a human life. You're macking. Bumping. Grinding. You are hot. You are horny. You are good to go. Panties are on the floor. Genitals touching. And then a thought reaches your lust filled brain: Who the Hell am I about to fuck?

"Woman, don't touch me with that thing, I don't know where you've been."

But this is hardly pillow talk. Think about it though, if you dropped your sandwich on the sidewalk, would you feel secure in sticking it in your mouth? So why would you mix naked body parts that have an ambiguous past? Enter Jane Condom. And I hate the word condom. It sounds like Tom Tom, and when I'm in the mood, thinking of Native American percussion instruments is just not all that.

Anyway, so you stop what you're doing and make "The Great Condom Bounty Hunt." Dresser drawers full of clothing are being overturned. Closets are being ransacked. Underneath the bed is being explored like never before. ,----,---------------------------~ All while mumbling, "I know I've got one here somewhere." And finally, success. Pinned to the bulletin board between a parking ticket and a signed picture of Darth Vader is a Trojan (the gift horse filled with countless enemies, what a great name for a condom).

"You're macking. Bumping. Grinding. You are hot. You are horny. You are good to go" it on. Backwards. He takes it off and expertly puts it ... backwards. Ain't sex beautiful? The condom's on. Sex is happening. Sex has happened ... Now comes the fun part: taking it off and disposing of the condom. I swear, as God as my witness, some of my lovers have been magicians 'cuz they made them disappear. I would search my room after they left, looking in my sheets, checking the window sill, peering in my shoes, netting through my aquarium, and all to no avail because the condom (Tom Tom) was gone. Perhaps while I wasn't looking they popped them into their mouths and swallowed them. All I know is that I'd be impressed if, after a good roll in the carpet, the boy I was with ripped the condom off himself while looking deep into my eyes, and holding the used rubber package between his finger and thumb, shot it up to the ceiling so that it stuck up there with suction. I think that would be pretty cool. Almost artistic.

So He asks She to put it on for him. She puts



JAN UA RY 6 - JAN UA RY 12, 2014


by Mike Wright Originally published 1994, in the Weekly Synthesis Issue 1.

I'm sitting in the health center debating over how I'll spend the next hour in regards to reading material. The Orion is on the floor, my Com 113 text is in my backpack, and yet I doubt I will be able to focus on any reading, because of my dilemma. I've just filled out a pseudo questionnaire explaining why I'm here. I'm feeling awkward as the receptionist gives me her preoccupied stare. I couldn't decide what to mark. I chose "rash." It felt safe. She takes my questionnaire and adds it to my existing file (yes I've been here before), and points me in the right direction. I feel naughty, like I'm revisiting 3rd grade marching off to the principals office in lieu of my teacher dealing with me. I knew I was going to have to tell someone soon. It's not really a rash, or an open sore. It's not accompanied by puss. I can't sleep. I'm annoyed. It's her fault. I'm going to miss my senior seminar/environmentally correct/interpersonal/afternoon power nap class. My blood sugar is low, and I'm sitting next to who's-who in sorority dysfunctional females. My pain is different ... I'm told my blood pressure is great. "You must be an exercise enthusiast," squawks the 40-something petite female. "Yes." I add, amongst other things. I'm sent to the second floor where they send all the mutations. Finally a man introduces himself and escorts me into a cubbyhole. The room is familiar with its sanitary loomings and stark white walls. "So you have a rash?" he says. "Well, not really." I add. He looks puzzled. I tell him that

I've had this "rash" for over a week, which reared its ugly head the day after unprotected sex with a longtime female partner. ''I'm really careful; and I've got a wonderful singing voice," I throw in. He gives me a look of disgust, and tells me to drop my drawers. He studies my member for a couple of minutes, and asks about the pain. He then excuses himself, and leaves me there to reflect on my bad self. My mind begins to wander. What the hell do I have? Is he calling in for reinforcement? I start making a mental Ten Commandments of sexually transmitted diseases in my mind. 1) THOU SHALT APPLY TO INFECTED AREAS ONLY 2) THOU SHALT NOT USE CRISCO IN THE ABSENCE OF K.Y. 3) THOU SHALT ALWAYS CHECK HER FOR "COLD SORES" WHILE STILL AT THE BAR. 4) THOU SHALT NOT... He returns ... "Has your partner had recent problems with yeast infections?" "No, I don't think so." "Well it seems as though she has passed this on to you." He explains that a male yeast infection is becoming more common in the Chico area. That's just fucking great. I feel dizzy and relieved at the same time. He tells me the process will take a week or so before I start clearing up, and then mentions Monistat. I'm going to kill the bitch ... sloooowly! I know I should be getting in touch with my female side, but I'd prefer to stick to cross dressing on Halloween to fill that void in my life. He also prescribes Cephalexin, for those hard to reach spots. His plastic gloves hang over the wastebasket. I grab my backpack, and anxiety, and head downstairs. I cautiously hand the 3x5 white note to the male attendant behind the pharmacy counter. He takes my l.D card, and I'm told to have a seat. The Monistat commercial is now running through my mind. "There's nothing worse than a yeast infection." but they left out, "Especially when you're a guy." An attendant calls my full name in an octave that jolts everyone out of the fetal position, and manages to wipe out all dogs and cats within a three mile radius.

out. My mind, however, is thinking something entirely different. "How the hell do you think I'm doing, you're handing me Monistat 7, I'm now half chick with lactating potential." I'm now about 16 inches tall, with a nice little white bag which denotes my crime. I quickly turn the comer. "Hey bro, what's up?" Oh great another person I know, I'm now so incredibly busted I just smile. I'm starting to make my way back to my car. I realize I can no longer go anywhere in this town without running into someone I know, and God's going to punish me for changing my major as well. I'll probably come back as a mime, and there's now a ticket on my car for not registering it at the counter. I pull out my keys, and once safe in my car, I become overwhelmed by the smell of blunt and bananas (definitely the breakfast of champions). I take a deep breath, then another, and pull out the first bottle. Yep, it's mine, it's got my name on it ... I pull out the other one. 1-Monistat 2%-HC 1% cream 15 GM. And then underneath in big bold letters ..... THOU SHALL APPLY TO INFECTED AREAS ONLY

I approach the counter........ OH SHIT....... I've been in Chico way too long. "Hi Mike, how have you been?" It's a lady I recognize from my PSY 235 class last year. "Ah, couldn't be better." I somehow manage to blurt


JA NU A RY 6 - JA NU A RY 12, 2014











The enemy is us. Who, me? Yes you. Don 't be surprised and quit playing innocent. Your quest for the control of others has gotten you in more trouble than you can imagine. Thank-you notes and apologies should be amongst your New Year's resolutions. You stick out like a sore thumb these days. You continue to inspire and activate others. Responsibility can seem somewhat explosive. The moon goes into Aries late Monday morning and stays there till Wednesday evening. You love challenges. Do things to create harmony.

Advanced studies come to you . If you wanted to be published, now is the time to apply. Good fortune leads the way for you. Don 't fear past mistakes. Admit you 've made poor choices and move on without blame. Learn how to work with others with a sense of team spirit. The moon will be in Taurus Wednesday evening through Friday. Often times effort in one area leads to opportunity in another area. Life is for the learning. Count your blessings and share them with others.

Transformation continues. It's time for a yard sale. It's cleanup time. Get rid of the things that no longer serve you. Mercury moves into your ninth house Saturday. Combine that with the moon in Gemini that same day and the travel bug is bound to hit you. Let go of all notions of control. You will need other people to get what you want. Make good on loans and debt. Not only is this good karma but it helps other people think nice thoughts about you. Be extra conscious of what you do with your time this weekend. You ' ll be in public.

Partnership implies that it takes more than one to make a whole. Look to the ones you are engaged with. Notice how other people's views help to expand your own consciousness. You think it's complicated; they think it's simple, or you see it as flat and they notice the subtle topography. Your concept of love and lust intensifies. You may be feeling shy in regards to your significant other. Express your emotional and your sexual needs in a safe place. (Males be warned : there are few safe places for this kind of expression in this culture with the opposite sex).

Health issues are still in your focus. The week begins on a lively note. You are more concerned about new information . Career issues are best addressed on Thursday or Friday while the moon is in your mid heaven . Travel and transportation issues are more important with Mars running through your third house. Staying on the go is part of your lifestyle. The weekend looks good for travel and social engagements. Acknowledge your intuition. What you sense has some validity.

It's harder for you to cut loose compared to most other signs. Yet, now is the perfect time to make fun happen. You may be overly concerned about your social standing. Let go of expectations. Allow yourself to grovel in the mud if necessary. Be playful. Use crayons and building blocks to get into an authenticly playful mood. You may need to make a public appearance over the weekend. Be sure to polish up your talents and skills, especially the ones that are of a creative nature.







In order to set forth a clear direction, one needs to review where they have been. This is a time when your memory should be sharp and your self motivation will be strong. Pay attention to your parents and to older relatives. Take care of any pending domestic issues. You are likely going to need to negotiate something early in the week with someone that seems unstable . Female members of your household may appear restless or out of sorts with themselves. By the weekend a nice outing will be in order.

Communication is key this week. Not just what you say, but how it's being said. Most people aren 't as tough as you. Try to present challenges in a positive light. You 've been hit with extra responsibility and you ' ll need to breath through it. Pay attention to female friends and sisters that you 're close to. Pray for your enemies and those that might wish you harm. Thursday and Friday are your best days for romance. Pay attention to your dreams. Be ready to bloom where you are planted .

Our values are seen in the things we consume. Possessions can often possess us beyond our ability to simply enjoy them. By giving things away, or by loaning them to others we discover just how attached we are to them. There is some tension between what you need and what others need . Early in the week you' ll feel more creative and more motivated to be playful. The weekend looks good for romance as well as for negotiating contracts. Buy the things that reflect your highest intentions.

Happy Birthday! It's your turn to help changes the world. Doing what is easy may not always be beneficial in the long run. Physical activity helps to clear your head. Financial issues become more important to you as the weekend draws near. Thursday and Friday will be your best days for romance and having fun . Make it a goal to be in better physical shape. Be the kind of person you would like to fall in love with. Use your insights to make appropriate business decisions.

Make good karma. Read the Kama Sutra and learn to enjoy the pleasures of the bed in different ways. Imagination can be a friend or an enemy depending on how you look at things. Basically it's payback time for you. You will be making karma either good or bad. It's best to pay your bills and get out of debt. Mercury goes into your first house over the weekend allowing you a clearer vision as to what you need to do. Avoid deceptive females that talk behind your back. You deserve honest acceptance.

You have friends in high places that are willing to help you. You' ll need to wind down a little this week from an intensely fun and or demanding weekend. Don' t confuse compassion for weakness. Vulnerability and flexibility are strengths that will help smooth over the rough edges. Consider going back to school or going through some sort of advanced training. You may end up working on a group art project. Your own version of creativity may be a challenge for small minds and closed hearts.

Koz McKev 1s on You Tube, on cable 11BCTV,1s heard on 901FM KZFR Chk:o, and also available by appOJntment for personal horoscopes. Call (530)891-5147 or e-mail kozmk:kev@sunsetnet

GREAT WINTER READ Winter Melon, written by local writer Bill Wong Foey A defiant and passionate young woman survives the Rape of Nanking in this debut novel. Voted Book of the Month for July by Lyons Books "Lives of Asia" book group. In paperback online at and Lyons Book Store, 135 Main Street, or as an e-book from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Apple iTunes and DirectMusicCafe. ADVERTI S EMENT


JA NU A RY 6 - JA NU A RY 12, 2014


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Synthesis Weekly Jan 6-12, 2014  

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