ISSUE #11 - MAY 2011
New Hotel Causes Uproar
And yet another mystery solved, thank you Captain Obvious!
This is a news article headline! For over a few weeks, it’s all Sunset Valley can talk about. The talk of the day. And people do nothing else but talk about it. When people converse with each other, this is the subject that they’ll exchange words about! SUNSET VALLEY – So what is it that everyone talks about? Well that’s something we are not entirely sure of. Some call it a phenomenon, others a disease and some language professors at the Sunset Valley State College even call it a “disgrace for language”. And the funny thing is, no one has come up with a word for it. But what is ‘it’?
Well, it’s telling the obvious. “It appears that one person has started this trend, as I’d like to call it,” according to trend watcher Adam Fruity. “You see, if a person starts with a new language trend, people tend to copy it.” All over town, people are referring to ‘Captain Obvious’. It’s not really a captain, mind you. It’s slang for someone who is stating the obvious. That it becomes a major annoyance in the city is becoming increasingly noticeable. People have started protesting with signs that state the obvious. Our reporter saw signs saying “this is a sign” and “I’m a piece of cardboard stuck to a
Major Criminal Outpost Bust
piece of wood”. “Yes the town has gone crazy,” according to vice-mayor Tom McCraft. “Our very own mayor couldn’t argue with us anymore. When we talked about the latest health bill, all he could say was ‘this is my argument and that’s that’, but he didn’t even give an argument.”
Flag Fault? SUNSET VALLEY - Political representative of City Hall proposed a rather peculiar idea at a press conference that was held yesterday morning. Mr Garth Bronner suggested to the public that it was about time that Sunset Valley had a flag to represent itself. The public was shocked at such a thought, and some even began protesting. Mr Bronner was spotted fleeing the scene, holding up his briefcase to shield himself from various debris being thrown.
Captain Obvious – the actual person who started this trend – is still unaccounted for. But the local language police have already put a big number on his head, for when he’s found! Remains us to tell you that this article has an end to it! *
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SUNSET VALLEY TIMES
‘Miracle Vehicle’ stuns car-driving world BRIDGEPORT – Major car producer Simtroën’s freshly launched promotional campaign for their newest car model, accompanied by the catchy slogan ‘No accidents. Ever. Guaranteed. Seriously. None. Really.’, caused uproar and excitement in SimNation’s automobile world. In the nationwide campaign that conquered television and the Internet as well as newspapers, magazines and billboards, the multinational claimed to have found ‘the ultimate answer’ to car driving’s safety problems with their ‘Miracle Vehicle’. In the follow-up commercial, Simtroën did indeed present this ‘ultimate answer’ to the public. ,,We have removed the engine from the car,’’ Simtroën CEO Dave Sobs explains revealingly in the ad. ,,Since the vehicle can’t move, it can’t cause any accidents, so proving to be the safest car ever made. That’s not just smart. It’s genius.’’ Car producers and drivers have not yet reacted to this ‘answer’.
Apples interpret opera classics marvellously An aggressive infection in Riverview’s farmland has had a deadly effect on much of this months’ crops, but seemed to affect the apple harvest in a much more remarkable manner. The otherwise devastating fruit and vegetable disease instigated a chemical reaction that made small vocal chord tissue develop in the apples’ cores, causing them to produce a sound similar to Pavarotti’s tremendously loud song, audible within a five mile radius. They have been destroyed since no one in the area could get any sleep.
Just an ordinary day at the ‘100% green’ office.
Green company prohibits the use of paper Protecting trees is a noble cause, but some companies seem to take their job to protect the environment a bit too seriously. SUNSET VALLEY - The past few weeks, some small protests organised by conservationists have taken place in Sunset Valley. Their main aim was the closing of companies and big concerns that, according to them, are not ecological enough. The government does not take their demands seriously yet, but the tree huggers have achieved one goal: one office in the city has declared itself 100 percent green. ‘Many Sims ask me what we
mean by ‘100 percent green’,’ director P. Carter says. ‘It simply means that we guarantee you that everything we produce here and the whole process that goes prior to it, is green!’ This guarantee of utter greenness leads to some strange measures within the company. ‘In every room in the office, there have to be at least five plants,’ Carter explains. ‘Also, we definitely don’t want to use any kind of electricity, so during the breaks we use some nice high-tech equipment to generate power with muscle!’ Other rules forbid bringing food with you, for food has packing, and using paper for your paperwork. Some em-
ployees cannot stand these conditions and are planning to quit or have even already submitted their resignation. One of them desperately complains: ‘How am I going to finish my paperwork without using paper? The management says we should keep all the information in our heads, there’s no need to write it down… And if we need to send a ‘letter’, we have to visit our addressees and tell them what we want to say. Without using cars or other motor vehicles!’ The strangest thing about this company is that nobody seems to know what the office exactly is for. ‘We produce happiness,’ Carter says. ‘Greenness and happiness!’
OPINIONS The government should try to protect trees at any cost. What does our panel think of this argument? I believe trees are more important than humans, because they are more important. Agatha Lonea Lone wolf
I love giving trees to the ladies, they work even better than red roses!
Alessandro Giordano Womanizer
Trees grow apples. I love apple pie. Er, what was the question again?
Richard Jones Chubby friend
Anna Busive shows the ‘infant pit’ in the zoo’s central segment.
New zoo features unusual ‘animals’ Though Sunset Valley initially gave its first zoo a warm welcome, now not everyone appreciates its concept. ,,This is the biggest tree we have on exhibition in our botanic garden, brought here all the way from Shang Simla,’’ the zoo’s founder Anna Busive explains with a kind smile, pointing a keen finger at a humongous tree during the press tour of the park. ,,And with that I would like to conclude our visit to the new Sunset Valley Zoo!’’ she finishes. After having seen the entire park in the tour, the flora segment of the park didn’t offer much out of the ordinary compared to what one would imagine in a zoo of this size. Instead it was the fauna part where Sunset Valley Zoo really stood out: the many animal
enclosures wherein one would expect gorgeous exotic creatures to be weren’t filled with outlandish animals, but with young Sims – from babies to toddlers to children. The sight shocked the invited press at first. But Miss Busive immediately came to the zoo’s defence: ,,It’s the cursed SimNation government’s fault!” she exclaimed. ,,They have prohibited me from importing any animals. That means I can’t bring a single elephant here without getting a high fine! So that got me thinking: keeping children in small spaces isn’t against SimNation law as long as you feed them. So that’s what I do!’’ Miss Busive refuses to explain where she got the children. The Sim Child Care Organisation (SCCO) is preparing to take legal action.
Perhaps my picture surprised they want to, you’re wrong. you. Yes, I am a bird. It’s quite It’s the Sims who poop on the normal, actually. I have a lot birds! I was pooped on only of friends who are yesterday! birds too. What might be exOkay, maybe I traordinary is that wasn’t, but stop I’m the first bird whining about the ever to write a letdetails. The point ter. But believe me, I is that this atrocreally needed to. So ity has to end. We I flapped my wings, birds have suffered stole a pen from By an Angry Bird enough! someone in the park I’ll have you know and started writing. that if birds won’t be more respected anytime soon, there What I want you all to know, will be serious consequences! is that birds these days are ter- I don’t know which though, rorised. Terrorised, I’m telling if anyone knows good serious you! You Sims, you harrass us consequences, please contact all day. You take over our park me. and you chase us away from the trees which happen to be So, Sims of Sunset Valley, in your so called gardens. If don’t play games with me! I you think that it’s the bird who am an angry bird! poop on the Sims whenever
Mr. and Mrs Sunshine Yesterday we had the opportunity to witness something quite extraordinary: the wedding between local weather lady Solares Lopez and our beloved sun. ‘He is the love of my life. He makes me smile and just brings the heat in our relationship. He’s my little sunshine!’ she shouted when they were officially pronounced husband and wife.
While the bride wore a gorgeous white dress and a cute white sunhat, the groom chose for a simple but sophisticated yellowish suit. We didn’t get the chance to congratulate him, but when the bride kissed him it started to rain – so we guess he was very happy as well and couldn’t hold back on his tears. May they be blessed with cute little sunbeams!
SUNSET VALLEY TIMES
CLASSIFIEDS Lost: We’ve lost our advertisement. If you’ve found it, we’ll give you free Poopla toilet paper for an entire year (that’s right). It could be that the ad fell in on of our machines and we’d like it back unused. Please contact us on email@example.com
Last month saw the Llama’s first legit win in – well, ever! The team won against The Falcons by an incredible 56 7 without cheating. It seems the team is experiencing a comeback after they were assigned a new coach, Mr Jeff Kilar. Their next rival match is against the Sloths two weeks from now; a sure win for the team. In other sporting news, the annual Martial Arts Tournament begins tomorrow. Some favourites include 3-time consecutive champion Larry “Da Bomb” Webster, Henry Woods and newcomer Mason Peters. An actionpacked, festive and bloody week is expected, so make sure you’re there to see it!
Found: I’ve found a quarter. It was on my doorstep. I hope someone will pick it up, as it’s
crying for days now. Please contact, 555-2131
knows how to eat. Minimum weight of 140kg. Please no diets or desire to lose weight. Meet me in the local snack bar!
Looking for: Someone to get rid of my dead husband’s ghost. It keeps possessing furniture, it drives me crazy. You can take a piece of furniture that he possesses. Contact via 555-gh05t Wanted:
Found: Some rain. It just fell from the sky and I have no idea whose it is. If you have recently lost some rain, I assume that it might be yours. Please contact me on number 555-0987
COLOPHON Sunset Valley Times was created by: Brandon Dogna Jolijn Jordy JVtje
Maarten Peter Suzan Wouter
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Published on May 1, 2011