APRIL 2008 ISSUE 1017VOLU ME 2
Buc Stops Weilding Knife
by Candy Slice
The beloved BHS mascot “Knifey the Pirate” has been replaced with a less fearsome, kinder and gentler pirate guy named “Smiley Buccaneer ” on BHS athletic gear and signs and murals all over the school. “We realized since our zero tolerance policy on weaponry went into effect, we couldn’t with good conscience continue to display a buccaneer symbol with a large knife between his teeth,” stated an embarrassed Vice Principal Tracey. “Expelling a student for carrying a fingernail trimmer while we blatantly showcased the murderous exploits of pirates with our mascots was somewhat hypocritical,” he added. Students and faculty had mixed reactions to the change. “They’ve completely emasculated our sports teams,” bristled girls swim team coach Dotty Blake. “How can we say ‘We ‘Aaarrrrgh BHS’ anymore without sounding like wimps?” BHS football star Tim McDonald felt Coach Blake was going a little overboard, so to speak, but agreed that: “The new mascot does make us appear less aggressive, and that might not help with our competitiveness for next season, but I kind of like Smiley’s placid demeanor. Knifey was a little scary, and sometimes he made me cry.” AFTER As high school, college, and pro mascots across the country are changing to keep up with a more politically aware populace, it was inevitable that someone would take a closer look at Knifey, who bears a strong resemblance to 1960s murderous cult leader Charles Manson. “He was created in a more innocent time,” reflected Principal Sills. “Back in the 1950s, people didn’t mind having their schools represented by mascots drawn from historical figures famous for raping, pillaging, and being murderous cutthroats.” For example, Westford Academy used to be known as the “Klansmen,” and ActonBoxborough had a pimp for a mascot. Salem, of course, was called the “Witch Hangers” until 1978, and Concord-Carlisle were “The Fighting Pedophiles” until 1982. In fact, the only school still holding on stubbornly to its original team name and mascot is Watertown High with its beloved “Scumbag.” “Smiley is just a more accurate mascot for the new ‘We ARE BHS’ direction our school has taken,” added Sills. “Knifey’s time has passed. He served us well, but he’s just not BHS anymore.”
“How can we say ‘We ‘Aaarrrrgh BHS’ anymore?”
Junior Class has Successful “Baked” Sale by Mary Jane Sativa
With Prom season fast approaching, Junior class fundraisers knew they had to raise some serious cash after the failure of the Volleyball Tournament in December. “I knew that if we didn’t raise a ton of money quickly the price for a ticket for prom would be $45,” said junior class president Sophia Kesler. The February 13th junior class bake sale set the record for most profit generated at a bake sale. At the bake sale brownies, cookies, and doughnuts were sold. However, suspicion has been raised as to the brownie’s exact ingredients. “All I know is that was the best 2 bucks I ever spent on a brownie,” stated Max O’Brien, “I got so BKD mon!” The line for the bake sale stretched all the way down lower A Wing and well into the Cafeteria. “The feedback was tremendous on our baking. It was a family recipe,” stated Dan Kipp, who recently returned from a family vacation in Jamaica. What raised suspicions further was the fact that the entire social studies department got in line… twice. “I loved the brownies, and I love this school,” slurred a red-eyed and stumbling Mr. Boschetto. “But I’m really hungry and would like to take a nap now,” he added. Ms. Kirpatrick laughed uncontrollably through C-block class after someone said the word “chipwich.” Mr. Sunderland spent both C and D blocks explaining to students how cool it would be if BHS “was just a tiny speck on the finger of a huge, gigantic person from a whole ‘nuther universe.” With all the evidence eaten, Officer Wardwell was pessimistic about whether the brownies were indeed tainted with an illegal herb. When he was reminded that he had just eaten three brownies himself, the campus cop looked puzzled and said, “What was I just talking about?” “They’re always telling us about how this school is an institute of higher learning. Well I am high as a kite after that fundraiser,” remarked Tristan Osgood. Because of the tremendous profit margin the junior prom will now be free of charge.
Junior Prom will now be free of charge
Kristine Tom is a Crack Ho
by C.O. Cane It is well known around BHS that Kristine Tom is an outstanding student. With her perfect SAT scores, impeccable grades, and acceptance into Stanford, she has set the standard for academic excellence. While Kristine seemed like the perfect student on paper, her “perfectness” took a toll on her friends, and even her relationships with teachers. “Kristine was just a bratty know-it-all,” commented Ms. Sullivan. “I dreaded her walking through my classroom’s door every day.” All this has changed, however, as Kristine has discovered one way to mend all her problems: she has become a crack ho. When asked what inspired her to take up this new habit, Kristine responded, “Fuzz a beah baba.” Her parents had slightly more to say. “We’re just so excited for her,” said Mrs. Tom. “She seems so much happier! Plus, Kristine even promised to start getting crack for her father and me!” Not only is Kristine’s family ecstatic about the change, but teachers have noticed the improvement in Kristine as well. Mr. Griffin remarked, “She used to intimidate me, and I was afraid she’d find out that I don’t know much about science, but now she’s just so peppy and smiley. I don’t think she’s paying attention at all.” It is hard not to notice the change in Kristine. One male student—who asked to remain anonymous—remarked, “I always wanted to ask her out, but she wasn’t stupid enough for me. All that’s changed now, though. She is so hawt!” Not only do people like the change in Kristine’s appearance and behavior, but also they liked the added mystique about her. Katie Harkins exclaimed, “Where is she all the time? Every class I have with her, I can’t help but wonder will she be there? Will she not be? She definitely has this new BA nature about her—very cool.” Kristine agrees with Katie, saying, “I don’t know why I was wasting my time with all the ‘smart’ stuff. Look at me now!” Mr. Sills even commented, “Kristine is setting the exact example of how we hope all our students will act: aggressive, desperate, and forgetful.”
“I don’t know why I was wasting my time with all the ‘smart’ stuff.”
Athletic Director Enforces “Zero Fun Policy” by Tom Busa
In light of the dangerous shenanigans being played by the BHS student section at sports games, Athletic Director Keith Mangan, in alliance with the MIAA, has banned “fun and games” from BHS student spectators. In the past months there has been some serious incidents in the so called “Cove” in the BHS Main Gymnasium, including: playing with beach balls during halftime, counting down from 10 to 1, and singing. These vicious acts are considered “extremely dangerous” and in order to stop these, the AD and MIAA feel the need to enforce rules more harshly. A new set of rules has been issued: No beach balls, no standing, no cheering, no facing the court when Bedford has the ball (but students are required to face the court when the opposing team has the ball to show respect), no talking, no high-fives, no dancing, and most importantly no school colors (must wear neutral colors). A rule was put in place to make the cheerleaders “shut the hell up” but once the AD realized that this pleased the fans a new rule was made that required the cheerleaders to “cheer at all times.” This could prove to be very tiring for the cheerleaders. Any students or cheerleaders found disobeying this new policy will be forced to attend every single BHS field hockey game, and in addition, will have to write a formal letter of apology to the MIAA and the town of the opposing team. There is a clause in the new policy that states: “Two time offenders will have to massage Mr. Mangan’s feet for the rest of the term, and believe us, there will be no three time offenders.” The BHS students are not pleased and feel that the MIAA are out to hinder their creativity, but some BHS fans found a loophole in the rulebook. Apparently, doing sign language in the student section is impossible for the MIAA to ban, therefore swearing in sign language at the opposing players now has a cult following and a lot of BHS students are doing on-line crash courses in sign language. After hours of protest in front of the MIAA office in Framingham, the head of the MIAA made an announcement. He stated, “The Bedford High School student section and their non-stop jubilance is not acceptable behavior for high school athletics, and if the students try anything the poop will hit the fan.” Bedford is the only town in the commonwealth of Massachusetts to have strict superfan rules. Luckily, Watertown will be allowed to continue their wild racism and barbarian intelligence level chants proven by one of their knuckle-dragging fans here, “We can say whatever we want, even ‘boobies.’” The Watertown AD agreed and said he allows and even encourages any chants and student alcohol/drug abuse.
“Keith Mangan in alliance with the MIAA, has banned ‘fun and games’”
Is Sheinfeld the Lizard King? by Olga Corevpro
“he no longer had any desire to give lengthy lectures”
Students in Mr. Sheinfeld’s Humanities classes recently reported that their usual chatterbox of an art teacher no longer had any desire to give lengthy lectures and overheat his slide projector by showing millions of paintings. His photography classes have been left undirected and unattended by the usually tyrannical instructor. “He just sits in the corner reciting W.B. Yeats’s poetry to himself and listening to clarinet soloists,” says BHS Junior Kira Topeka. “It’s creepy because he usually never shuts up.” His staff on the school literary magazine The Stylus also noticed a change. “He’s been putting in all of these terrible emo poems about how girls think they’re fat when they’re not and can’t stop talking about it...it’s just horrible!” stated Stylus editor Katie Harkins. The administration hired former hippie/activist math teacher and current DEA agent Mr. Stephenson to do some investigating into the recent changes in the photo guru. Agent Stephenson reported back that when he ventured into Sheinfeld’s darkroom, he found him passed out with a solution of developer and paint thinner in a plastic container next to him. After Stephenson revived the highly flammable art teacher, Sheinfeld jumped on a table and screamed “I am the Lizard King!” as he tore off his clothes. Startled photo students instinctively whipped out their cell phone cameras, and Sheinfeld’s antics were posted on YouTube in minutes. Videos can be viewed anywhere the internet can be accessed except, of course, at BHS.
Bedford’s “Drama-Free Day” Results in Confusion and Tragedy by Werner Gobsmite
Who knew drama was such an essential part of everyone’s lives?
Citing the overwhelming success of the “Bedford Unplugged” night, BHS administrators deemed last Tuesday “Drama-Free Day” and banned any display of drama, whining, and backstabbing –either vocally or texted. But “Drama-Free Day” did not go as well as hoped. “We thought it would make it a nice peaceful day, and students would see the bright side of no drama,” explained a visibly upset Vice Principal Vogel. “But instead there was chaos everywhere. Girls didn’t know what to do or what to talk about, and they were literally pulling their hair out of their heads.” It was ironic, though, because everyone talks about how much they hate drama and yet it was clear they could not function without it. Sadly, freshman girls who couldn’t handle not gossiping threw themselves off the A wing roof and severely maimed themselves, kind of like the girl in “The Virgin Suicides” but without the “virgin” part. BHS Junior Mirella Ruggiero remarked, “It’s horrible that they maimed themselves, but I can see where they’re coming from. I mean, a day without drama—who does that?” Teachers and administrators also suffered while holding back their dramatic impulses. “I thought I was going to explode,” confessed Vice Principal Tracey. “ I wanted to start a rumor about Vogel but Drama-Free Day wouldn’t let me! We can never do this again!” Reached in his bulletproof safe room, Principal Sills admitted his error in judgment. “Who knew drama was such an essential part of everyone’s lives? Well, lesson learned. I promise to make next Tuesday ‘Double-Drama day.’”
Math Team Stripped of Title due to Steroid Use by Semi Colon
Bedford High’s Math Team has been living out the celebrity life in school since their latest dominating performance. The seniors especially have been praised, having completed a four-year sweep at 20-0. But it looks like the Math Team’s reputation will be sullied after the recent discoveries of the team members’ habits. Senior champion Christie Chiu has admitted to using steroids to improve her math skills, which put her in top place with a 16.40 average. “When we first tried it in 2006 it wasn’t serious,” Chiu explains, embarrassed, “Melody [Morris] dared me to shoot up adreno and testosterone with her. The moustache was cool for a while, but when the violent episodes started piling up, I figured I should stop.” In a fit of rage after seeing her teammate persecuted, Melody Morris picked up a desk and threw it at Mr. Sills. She was later tested and was found to be using human growth hormone. Mr. Sills and team advisor Mr. McGowan have found in their investigations that the abuse hasn’t stopped there. Junior team member Shreyas Ravi was not only found to be using steroids, but also giving them to team underclassmen Yongyi Chen (freshman) and William Lee (sophomore). When he was questioned about the advantages of steroids in mathematics competitions, Lee was unsure: “I don’t think the steroids enhanced my performance at math meets, but we have to sit for such long periods of time during competitions. So since the ‘roids caused my testicles to disappear, I was a lot more comfortable sitting in chairs.” In a desperate attempt to soften the charges against him, Ravi named Victor Wang as the heaviest user on the team. Wang denies all these accusations saying, “Everyone’s trying to bring me down.” Since the scandal surfaced, Wang has locked himself in the janitor’s closet and is refusing further comment. Not all Math Team members feel steroids were the way to success. Kristine Tom, the only team member to test negative for steroids, tested positive for crack. “The Math Team is full of very intelligent and driven students,” Kristine Tom commented, “who are willing to do anything to win for the team. I don’t feel I need performance enhancers, it’s just that, personally, I like crack.”
“When we first tried it in 2006 it wasn’t serious”
Skip Gym, Bust Stress by Trees Lounge
Studies of high school students being forced into four years of “physical education” show increased levels of stress from warm-ups alone. According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the mumbo-jumbo of exercise releasing “natural endorphins” is a whole lot of BS. Not only do students become stressed due to ridiculous warm-up agilities, they have to worry about dodging balls that Joey Lua and Nick Romanelli purposely launch at their faces. Doctors now urge students to skip their physical education classes and grab a bite from the vending machines. The studies have shown eating will relax you and you will be happier exercising your laziness. “Lounging out in the weight room, kicking around the medicine balls, and eating peanut M&Ms from the vending machine is way better than stressing about capturing that damn ball!” ranted Senior Courtney Cox. “Students are sick of being forced into activities that make them sick; take the beep test, for example,” said fellow Senior Charlotte Mazel. “Ask any normal Bedford student and she’ll tell you the beep test landed her straight in a therapy session from the stress of trying to beat Stephen Dalrymple’s ridiculous record of 98..or something like that.” “Skip gym, come do some homework up here,” BHS librarian Mrs. Smyth said when asked about her ideas of gym. “We love having kids from gym class come up, we let them do whatever they want so they’ll be stress free! All you have to do is mention the word gym— no pass necessary!” As she boxed up her books and excess office supplies after hearing her services would no longer be required, BHS gym teacher Ashley Martel said, “I always suspected exercise was bad for you. This is actually kind of a relief. Now I’m going to eat a cheesy pastrami sandwich with extra grease at Bedford House of Roast Beef.” 4
BHS Senior Has His Smile Wiped Off His Face
by Martin van Buren Last Tuesday morning, as Mr. Mangan patrolled the back door to the school, making sure no students were too rowdy or excited for class, a construction worker fixing piping on the roof fell and landed on top of the BHS Athletic Director. A crowd quickly gathered to see the extent of his injuries, and then suddenly erupted in wild celebration, which included the kind of synchronized dance numbers you only see in high school musicals. Exulting in the recently banned school pride, students quickly donned blue and white, chanted “BHS! BHS! BHS!” and whooped it up the way they used to before Mangan made having fun at sporting events illegal. Taking this new-found freedom perhaps a bit too far, BHS senior Tom Busa inflated a beach ball and threw it into the air for the crowd to bounce around. Busa later commented, “I haven’t seen any beach balls since I got kicked outta the basketball playoffs earlier this year. It’s a good thing I always carry one around with me. With Mangan down, it was clear we wouldn’t have anyone bursting our balls anymore.” Another student began to sound off an air horn while the ball bounced from person to person. It’s rumored that a few teachers joined in the superfan freedom celebration. There were also a few cowbells being banged from within the swarming crowd. What the students didn’t realize was that Mangan was still conscious. Though he was unable to get up and silence the crowd, as he takes such pride in doing at Bedford athletic games, he memorized many of the faces in the crowd as he was carried on a stretcher to a waiting ambulance. All of the students he remembered were involved are now banned from all athletic events as they demonstrated too great a risk of cheering and excitability. Busa was taken to a hidden chamber beneath Mangan’s office where his smile was surgically removed from his face. “There is a price to pay for having fun at school,” Mangan stated from his hospital bed, where he was recovering from a nasty bump on the head. “Students who chant, cheer, or dance at a BHS event must be held accountable.”
“There is a price to pay for having fun at school”
PA Announcement Feedback is Mind Control by Aldous Huxley This year BHS students might have noticed an excess of feedback from the PA system each time announcements are made. It is not a Hendrix solo, and it’s not an accident. After an exhaustive undercover investigation, The Lookout discovered an insidious plot by the school administration to turn BHS students into obedient, complacent robots by inserting subliminal messages in the PA feedback. “The first term we noticed a great deal of student unrest,” admitted a nonapologetic Vice Principal Vogel. “Fights, weapons, loud girls shouting profane language in the halls—it was a mess. So we hired a consultant from the CIA, and he suggested the subliminal messages in the feedback. The results have been astounding.” It’s true. Since the feedback was installed, suspensions have decreased 78%, grade point averages have increase 46%, and only Kristine Tom is still on crack. “I’m loving the change,” gushed a beaming BHS science teacher Mrs. Kurzman. “My students are now polite, engaged in their learning, and far less likely to start fires in the lab.” When played backwards, the feedback can be heard clearly stating soothing messages like: “Community, Identity, Stability” and “All Epsilons Now Stop Texting And Be Seated Quietly.” Recently, according to Bedford School District Finance Director Lotsa Cash, the US Defense Department has bought airtime during BHS announcements so “Join the US Navy” is subliminally entering students’ heads each time the “Messages in the Office” announcements are made. I love this school, I love learning, and I love the Navy.
BHS YouTube Trial Class Goes Berserk—Jourdan Held Hostage By Ralph Jackpiggy
Having given in to years of pressure, BHS Technology Director Mr. Lord finally allowed a first period class access to YouTube.com in the computer lab yesterday. “I figured that if the trial class’s behavior was acceptable, I could open the link for the rest of the school,” stated Mr. Lord. “I never imagined that they would rip off the keyboards and use them as nunchucks!” As Mr. Jourdan’s all male 10th grade English class began their assignment of researching all 32,482,129 accounts of Jesuslike characters in English literature, BHS sophomore Benjamin Weichman allegedly slipped on to YouTube to watch a new trailer for the live action Dragon Ball Z movie. “I thought something was wrong when Benji started squealing much louder than usual,” stated Mr. Lahiff. Soon after, Benjamin let out a bloodcurdling “Kamehameha!” and threw his monitor at the SMARTboard, thus sparking an uproar. Mr. Jourdan was quickly tied to a coat rack and repeatedly prodded with pens as they chanted, “Kill the beast, spill its blood, bash it in!” During this time BHS Junior Zander Smith was walking through the hall. Hearing the fierce ululations of the class, Smith seized the opportunity for power. “I saw this as my chance. They were underclassmen. They were easy to manipulate, weak.” He was quick to rally the disorganized sophomores together and attacked the only sophomore still not on YouTube, Mary Guay. “It was awful! They ran towards the front desk and started yelling ‘I’ve got the consul! I have the power!” whimpered the agonized shell of what had formally been an energetic student. This rampage continued across upper H wing and the ROTC hall until stopped by Sergaent Wardwell. “I heard chanting and screams so and I walked towards the hall. But upon arriving with my keg and funnel, it abruptly ended. They just stared,” claims the sergeant. When we attempted to question Mr. Jourdan of the incident, he only muttered, “The horror… the horror” as he swung from his coat rack.
“Mr. Jourdan was quickly tied to a coat rack”
English Teachers Follow Students’ Example, Take Easy Way Out by Nathan Hawthorne
In an effort to address the use of the popular book notes site, SparkNotes, the English department will be teaching SparkNotes analysis classes instead of English classes next year. Those of you who signed up for Humanities, British Literature, American Literature, etc. will instead learn from SparkNotes pages of the classics. “We wanted to stay hip and jiggy with it” said English department head Ms. Sallee of the recent change. “Books are so lame now, and we felt that a SparkNotes curriculum would really appeal to those kids who don’t have time to read. Plus, I’m getting really tired of planning classes and assigning papers.” Mr. Jourdan, who will no longer be able to make students feel uncomfortable because of their inability to grasp metaphors in Lord of the Flies, is unhappy with the change. Nonetheless, he has come up with a curriculum for the next year that involves papers about why students didn’t have time to read the SparkNotes. “At least the new format will give me more time to text in class” he concedes. When asked what the English department would do if the SparkNotes site began offering
“It’s a win-win for everyone.”
SparkNotes for the SparkNotes analysis classes, to help those students who still struggle to cheat on their English readings, Mr. Hebert looked confused and then responded, “Basically, we’d be screwed.” Ms. Tocci and Mr. Zellner were unavailable for comment because they were too busy checking their Facebook accounts and playing Minesweeper on their computers. Ms. Kirkpatrick, Social Studies program administrator, whined, “The English department is just a lazy bunch of losers who are cheating their way out of teaching.” Ms. Sallee, eating a bag of Cheetos and shopping online for cat sweaters, responded, “C’mon, cut us some slack. Teachers need to cut corners too. During my weekends I want to go loon hunting, not grade papers on The Scarlet Letter. This curriculum will benefit both lazy students and lazy teachers. It’s a win-win for everyone.”
Team Torso Wins Dodgeball Tournament by Anton Asparagus
In a remarkable display of dexterity and footwork, Team Torso became the first armless team to ever win the BHS Dodgeball Tournament. Consisting of six guys with no arms, Team Torso ripped through the competition by holding the balls in their mouths and then whipping them at their opponents. The speed with which they threw the balls using their mouths was amazing, and opposing teams were unnerved by the team of armless competitors. Mesmerized by Team Torso’s extraordinary agility, opponents were easy targets for the armless wonders since standing still and in a daze is the opposite of dodging. Teary-eyed BHS senior Jimmy Ferro said, “It sucks that we can’t beat a team of armless guys in dodgeball because the tournament is something the baseball team can actually win.” In a bizarre post-victory celebration, Team Torso members were seen roaming town parking lots and flipping over cars parked in handicapped spots but not sporting handicapped parking tags. “Victory is sweet,” remarked team captain Harry Elbow, “but revenge is even sweeter.”
“opponents were easy targets for the armless wonders”
~~Horoscopes~~ Aries~ This month is a bad month to be in a relationship. Your schoolwork will suffer tremendously. The person you are crushing on will tell you he/she is not into you and call you a stalker. If you do a sport, watch out for flying balls. Taurus~ During this month friends cannot be trusted. Backstabbing will be normal. You will trust your best friend with a secret that will be shared. You will fail the one test you feel confident about. If you drive a car, watch out for stray cats. Gemini~ Everything will change for you this month. Your relationship will take a turn for the worse. Your grades will improve because of your relationship troubles. When taking tests, write with the opposite hand to more accurately answer questions. Cancer~ This month is a bad hair month. Wear lots of hats and stay out of the rain. If possible, shave your head. Girls with long hair should try a new style. Make the best of awkward situations, and try to stay out of the “drama circle”. Leo~ For the month of April, you will experience yourself getting closer to your crush, only to find out it was all on a dare. Stay away from Aries for they will only cause you pain and suffering. Virgo~ The more you think about what you’re doing, the more paranoid you will get. Take a risk this month and don’t think about the consequences. Study more for the “easy” tests and less for the tests you think you’re going to fail. Libra~ People see you as a follower, show them you are a leader and take advantage of the position you think you have. Prove to your friends that you cannot handle being in their position and whine about it. Scorpio~ When all else fails, start a rumor about your best friend. If they find out, deny you even heard the rumor. He/She will never find out it’s you. Play along with the whole scenario until it ruins your friend’s reputation. Sagittarius~ When taking a test, chew berry flavored gum to help stimulate your brain cells. Always be the first to answer a question in class, even if you don’t know the answer. Capricorn~ Pay attention to little details in conversation, it may help later on. The more you think about your future, the easier daily life will be. Plan your life out for 10 years from now to help you with your significant other choice. Aquarius~ Take a close look at your significant other and find their annoying quirks to see if your relationship will last. Think long term, not short. With the help of your friends, you can kick your scumbag to the curb. Pisces~ Don’t think about tomorrow, focus on yesterday. Your past will determine your future so be careful of small mistakes that will impact your life. Study extra hard on pointless tests that will get you nowhere.
SEPAARATEDATBIRTH GILLIAN WEEKS AND ADAM BRYS
PHIL SANDS AND THE SLOW KID SIGN MR. STEPHENSON AND LEO FROM THAT SEVENTIES SHOW
Principal Sills Begins New Career in Show Biz
by Glamour Puss It all started with a simple message, one that would later prove to inspire Mr. Sills for many years to come. After a seemingly typical Tuesday afternoon, Sills was informed that he would need to go on the intercom and make a very important announcement. It turned out that Mike Dirrane had forgotten his school lunch, and his mother, who needed to ensure that he received a healthy and balanced meal, had called up the school in a frenzy. After searching around for the office ladies, Sills was perturbed to find out that they had all hopped into the school minivan for their fourth Dunkin-Donuts run of the day. After a minute or so of serious pondering, Sills boldly grabbed the microphone and began to make the necessary announcement. Unaccustomed to hearing the principal’s voice during the day, the students stopped talking for a record breaking 47 seconds to listen to the man talk. “His voice reminded me of sad things, like bee stings and the end of Bambi,” proclaimed senior Robert Robertson. The man’s morose and grave voice deeply upset several students, and even managed to send a particularly anxious freshman into the bathroom for close to three hours. Later, as Mr. Sills wandered the halls looking for something to do, he received several comments about the peculiarity of his voice. A week later Sills shocked the entire BHS faculty in a stunning email announcing that he would retire from his position and move on to voiceovers for dramatic Spanish soap operas. Already off to an ambitious start, Sills has managed to book a two-year contract as the narrator for the globally respected soap “Costa Amor,” which will begin on Nick-atNight’s diversity channel this upcoming May. Good Luck, Mr Sills! We hope you find happiness and fulfillment in your future endeavors.
“It all started with a simple message”
He Hit Me and it Felt Like a Kiss – Rhianna You’ve Got to Hide Your Phone Away – Chris Brown You’re Just Too Good to be 12 – Michael Jackson Natural Woman – Britney Spears Stretch Marks at 16 – Jamie Lynn Spears The Revolution Will Not be Televised – Jonas Brothers Can You Feel the Love Tonight – Lil’ Wayne Mary Jane’s Last Dance – Cotter Ellis Love You Like a Reptile – Zak Efron & Vanessa Ann Hudgens
Wayne Says Wayne says 99% of BHS girls are dating Ryan Carter Wayne says 1% of BHS students do their homework Wayne says 100% of BHS students and faculty love the Lookout Wayne says 89% of BHS students have never been kissed Wayne says 93% of BHS students deny being obese Wayne says 110% of BHS students give it their all during gym class
God Censorship Stupid people who are also loud Sexting Dope-smoking morons Beer advertising Unscooped dog poop Cars Mr. Sills “Cool” teachers Couples “in love” Everything
Wayne says 1% of BHS students have never used protection…when rollerblading Wayne says 75% of BHS students sleep naked Wayne says 50% of BHS students guess correctly when they flip a coin Wayne says 0% of BHS girls poop, burp, or fart Wayne says 89% of BHS students that possesses crack just need a belt Wayne says 55% of BHS students still collect Pokemon cards Wayne says 90% of BHS students have never ever ever played a game on the school computers Wayne says 68% of BHS students pick their right nostril before their left nostril Wayne says 2% of BHS students call people on their cell phone Wayne says 92% of BHS students lied on the 2008 Bedford Youth Risk Behavior Survey. 8
HAPPY APRIL FOOLS!!! Love, the Lookout Staff