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30 THE INTERVIEW
Interview & Photography by Madelynne Scales
Frannie Sheinberg, a.k.a. “Flava Fran,” has become notorious in the Texas State community for her freestyle rapping, positive vibes and vibrant personal style. Read More
Features 14 SUMMER GUIDE
20 TEXAS ROAD TRIP By Molly Burke & Mikala Everett
Madelynne Scales, Texas State University
By Anne Ertle, Olivia W. McCoy, Gabriella Hernandez, & Mallory Arnold
08| this month online
26| hot or not
Shweiki Friedel editor-in-chief: Mark Stenberg sales: Gil Peters, Janae Cebulla graphic designer: Bryan Raynes marketing: Ralph Chaplin accounting: Elonda Russ distribution manager: Marcus Flores production: Shweiki Media art director: Ian
Study Breaks magazine is published twelve times per year by Shweiki Media, Inc. copyright 2012. All rights reserved. This magazine may not be reproduced in whole or in part in any form or by any means electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system now known or hereafter invented without written permission from the publisher. Reproduction or use in whole or in part of the contents of this magazine or of the trademarks of Study Breaks Magazine, Inc., without written permission of the publisher is prohibited. The publisher assumes no responsibility for care and return of unsolicited materials. Return postage must accompany material if it is to be returned. In no event shall such material subject this magazine to any claim for holding fees or similar charges. Study Breaks Magazine is an entertainment magazine for the students of San Antonio, San Marcos, Austin and Lubbock, published 12 times a year.
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editor’s note B y M a rk S t e nb e r g
he summer before my senior year in college, I was dead set on being a chef and a writer. For the previous four years I had been cooking professionally, full-time over school breaks and part-time during the semester. That summer, my final summer, I was taking classes and cooking 30 hours/week, but desperately wanted to stage at a renowned restaurant. In the culinary world, cooks gain experience by staging, or working for free, in other restaurants. I eventually landed a gig at Lenoir, a tiny prix-fixe place, two nights a week. I was ecstatic for the opportunity, though I can say in retrospect that I was completely unqualified to be in that kitchen. Not only was it the smallest workspace I’ve ever encountered—imagine six grown men and women cooking for fifty in your dorm room—but the restaurant has since won dozens of accolades, as well as groomed Grae Nonas, a finalist for the Rising Star James Beard award. I, on the other hand, did not even own my own knives—a faux pas I was unaware I was even committing when I asked where the house set was. I was met with snickers, but soon Grae himself lent me what I needed. I then, for the next eight weeks, proceeded to suck disastrously. If learning knife skills means cutting yourself, my fingers learned a lot of knife skills that summer. By ruinously browning dozens of trimmed artichokes, I learned that trimmed artichokes must be stored in acidulated water. I did ungodly things to myself with a mandolin. I misidentified a rabbit carcass as “one of the tinier goats.” I was so bad. But that’s the beauty of staging! Since interns work for free, unless the cook is so incompetent that they impede the restaurant’s staff, they’re warmly embraced. The best moment though, came at the conclusion of my stage. After logging hundreds of unpaid hours, owner Todd Duplechan invited me to eat a parting meal before school began. Typically, for $45 customers choose three of twelve possible dishes, and since I intended to buy me and my date a drink, I figured I was looking at $120 after tip. Instead, unprompted, the waiters began bringing out dish after dish, until we had eaten everything on the menu and more. We were given a complimentary bottle of champagne, as well as two beers each. The other customers—richer, older, and generally more aristocratic—gaped in awe at our treatment. Chefs delivered our food from the kitchen, presenting the entrees with a smile and a slap on my back. The best part? The bill was $45. It remains, to this day, the most special dining experience of my life. So, to condense this into a cute little moral: Summer is the perfect time to go out on a limb, to do the things you could normally never do, even if just for the story. Work for free, embarrass yourself, scar your knuckles—just don’t waste it. Happy Summer,
BEHIND THE SCENES: Al Vanderklipp (Pg. 14) asked to change the name of “Xbox and Chill” to “Gaming Watch,” because he feared eventually having to explain the concept to his extended family. Molly Burke (Pg. 28) rewrote the “Clifton Cell Block Hotel” description nearly a half-dozen times trying to maximize the subtle Scandinavian sex vibe. Sofia Rivera (Pg. 22) wins “Best Invented Word” this issue with “beachability,” meaning “the readiness of one’s body for swimsuit season.” Olivia McCoy’s (Pg. 33) choice to address her “Study Abroad Letter” to her cat was a completely unprompted idea, though maybe a trendsetting one. Marshall Tidrick (Pg. 33) photographed Eeyore’s Birthday in Austin, a family-friendly event during the day that, come dusk, changes identity completely. Just FYI: The “Frew Brews” typo in Jenna Ramsey’s (Pg. 33) “Sketchbook” piece is a very intentional, and very quotable, Kanyeism.
MOLLY BURKE University of Texas at Austin Nutritional Science
AL VANDERKLIPP University of Northwestern Michigan Film & Government
MADELY NNE SCALES Texas State University Journalism & Photography
“Texas Road Trip” Page 20
“Gaming Watch” Page 12
“The Interview” Page 30
SOFIA RIVER A Simmons College Spanish & Communications
MALLORY AR NOLD Ohio University Journalism
ANNE ERTLE John Carroll Communications
“#CollegeHacks” Page 10
“Summer Guide: Housing” Page 14
“Summer Guide: Jobs” Page 14
OLIVIA MCCOY University of Georgia English & French
MIK AL A EVERETT Texas State University Mass Communications
MARSHALL TIDRICK University of Texas at Austin Journalism & French
“Summer Guide: School” Page 14
“Texas Road Trip” Page 20
“Hot or Not” Photography Page 26
GABRIELLA HERNANDEZ Kansas State University Architecture
JENNA R AMSEY Seattle University English Literature
“Summer Guide: Romance” Page 14
“The Sketchbook” Page 28
Study Breaks is written exclusively by a team of student interns from across the country. These writers work with the editorial team to pitch and submit one piece a week for the website, in addition to writing for the monthly print magazine. Fall internships run from September 14th to January 21st, and applications close August 24th. If interested, email mark@ studybreaks.com with “Student Writing Internship” in the Subject. Introduce yourself in the body, making sure to include your name, school and major. Please attach at least two samples of your work. Ideal writers are intelligent, funny and talented, though no formal experience is necessary. JUNE 2016
meanwhile, at studybreaks.com
FROM THE VAULTS
“The fact remains that I am still a sexual kumquat.” - Finlea Baxter, University of Oklahoma Embracing My Lack of Sexual Appetite in College
“LIVE MUSIC SUCKS AND NO ONE WILL ADMIT IT BUT ME” Gabi Gimson is a student at St. Edward’s in Austin, and so while her online ar ticle about the objective unpleasantness of live music is middle of the pack trafficwise, it’s one of the most populated in terms of comments— very angry comments. The most popular invectives center around the “Why did you move to the Live Music Capital of the World then?” theme, though one kind reader suggested the philharmonic orchestra.
“The baby’s technically due on Friday, but we’re inducing on Thursday so that we can do the baptism on Sunday.” – Samantha Gross, Concordia University 6 Christian School Problems That You Won’t Believe are Real
“You’ve got to be kidding me right? I can’t even take a shower anymore!” - Olivia McCoy, University of Georgia Make-out Mania: The Hidden Gems of Your College Campus SPOTLIGHT
“THE ‘TAYTWEETS’ DEBACLE: PROOF OF THE INTERNET’S HOPELESSNESS”
“Yes you normally get Phish Food, but he should’ve known that it was a Half Baked type of week.”
In late March, Microsoft unveiled an AI bot named Tay whose purpose was to engage with and learn from social media interactions. As internet trolls will be internet trolls, within 24 hours Tay had been inundated with so much negative content that the bot began producing racist, misogynistic and anti-Semitic tweets of her own. Though Microsoft immediately removed Tay and apologized, University of Texas student Molly Burke’s article looks for the incident’s silver linings.
- Gabriella Hernandez, Kansas State University How to Discipline Your Boyfriend
“Unfortunately for this hypothesis, there haven’t been any reported cases of telekinesis in centuries.” – Will Strecker, University of Texas at Austin The Case for Greg Hardy’s Innocence
Four June examples that validate Amherst student Nicole Yang’s “Evolution of Fake Instagram Holidays”
JUNE 4TH: National Cheese Day
JUNE 10TH: National Ballpoint Pen Day
JUNE 17TH: National Flip-Flop Day
JUNE 29TH: National Waffle Iron Day
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B y S of i a R i v e r a , S i m mon s C ol le ge
SUIT UP: Tankini, monokini, bikini— the possibilities are endless (well, there are at least three). But which is the right choice for you? The one that minimizes shaving, of course.
ARMPITS: The wet T-shirt contest never ends if you never take it off! You can rock miniature underarm French braids and no one will be the wiser as your follicles frolic amongst the waves.
BIKINI LINE: Throw it way back with some adorable high-waisted boy shorts, so you can dive for that beach volley ball without fear of your bottoms betraying you.
The wet suit is a very slimming look, and even as you fall backwards off of your surfboard, you’ll really look like you know what you’re doing. Plus, full coverage means no greasy sunscreen and no awkward tan lines to speak of.
How to boost your beachability with little to no actual effort.
he metaphorical bell has rung and school is officially out of session. We thought we’d never make it, but finally freedom is ours! We roll down the windows of our probably also metaphorical convertibles, go buy a hypothetical summer wardrobe with our imaginary money, and in between our summer jobs and unpaid internships, revel in our supposed abundance of newfound free time. All is as magical and carefree as a tampon commercial until we get the group text: “Beach day tomorrow!” The classical soundtrack running through your stress-free mind comes to a screeching halt. You slowly look down at your
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body: the insulation you padded onto your stomach during the winter months; the food baby whose proud parents are Oreos and ramen (not to mention the glowing godparents, Bagel Bites and Red Bull), currently in its third trimester; the forest of saplings that have taken root along your legs; the totally not summer chic shadowy crescents that have tattooed themselves under your eyes. Frantically you open Google. “How to”—you start typing—“get away with murder?” it prompts, incriminatingly remembering your former searches. “Get swimsuit ready,” you finish.
A plethora of articles full of numbered tips pop up, telling you to blast “Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini” like it’s “Eye of the Tiger,” and inhale celery likes it’s oxygen. But this advice is largely degrading, ridiculous and, how to put this gently—bullshit. As always though, “Study Breaks” is here to save the day like an especially good-looking lifeguard, by bringing you next season’s swimsuit season advice, this season. While we all know the only thing you actually have to do to obtain a beach -ready body is put a swimsuit on it (and ideally some sunscreen), there are some other measures you can take to boost your beachability. IF YOU CAN’T TONE IT, TAN IT Remember you and your best friend writing each other’s initials on your backs in sunscreen before going tanning, thus branding yourself as besties all summer long? Same genius principal applies here. Apply your SPF 50 in a grid-like pattern along your stomach, until you achieve your desired abs. Then, lay out your towel and bare your stomach to the scorching sun, letting those UV rays work their six pack magic. LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE Beach body articles will recommend the ancient and strenuous art of exercise. They’ll say you have to “sweat,” “go to the gym” and “work hard”—but haven’t you been working hard all year long? Instead, cue up one of your favorite comedy routines. Maybe some Amy Schumer if you’re feeling cheeky? Or how about that time-tested and still hilarious Mad TV skit, “Can I have your number?” You’ll laugh until you cry, giving your stomach muscles an amazing workout, while simultaneously shedding those pesky salt-filled tears—sodium is bloating anyway. Try not to get those abs too rock-hard though, since muscle is dense and more prone to sinking. BODY CONTOURING, BODY SHMONTOURING Thanks to the magical properties of highlighting and contouring, it’s now as easy to create the illusion of Keira Knightly collarbones as it is to fake Angelina Jolie cheekbones. But to take your contouring to the next level, take a lesson from the chameleon and buy some body paint. Channel your inner artist (think Michelangelo, not Picasso) as you paint the areas you want to conceal the same shade as the sand or your beach towel. Then, lie perfectly still and experience the miracle of camouflage! STUDYBREAKS.COM
Water The doc claims simple H2O as a panacea, but the recommended eight glasses may sound overwhelming. Not if you think small! Eight shot glasses of water is not only adorable, but incredibly doable.
Tequila The salt will help you float, the lemon aids with digestion and tequila has been known to make you forget. Why did you feel like you needed to detox, anyway?
Mojito This tasty cocktail is essentially a vehicle for spearmint, which not only aids with digestion but minimizes inflammation. Another round, please!
Bloody Mary Basically a vegetable smoothie. Not to mention, the horseradish will clear out any congestion, and the Tabasco will get your glands sweatin’ and your metabolism goin’. To top it all off, by munching on the celery garnish you’ll actually be burning calories.
B y Al Vanderklipp, Northwestern Michigan College
THE SONY CONFERENCE
Snack Accompaniment: Crystal Pepsi, 3D Doritos, Butterfinger BB’s– catch my drift? All eyes are on Sony this year as they willingly ignore historical precedent and release an add-on device for the PS4, presumably to combat the strengths of Nintendo’s upcoming console. The hope here is to succeed where the Sega CD, Sega 32X, Nintendo 64DD, Atari Jaguar CD, and, ironically, even the original Playstation (a prototype disc drive for the Super NES) failed miserably. Sony’s modern take on this classic bad business decision, codenamed NEO, will supposedly boost the processing power of the console, allowing existing games to run faster and more smoothly, and reduce limits on Virtual Reality titles (the PSVR is available separately for an additional $399). Oddly, Sony is not allowing games developers to make titles exclusively for the NEO, which either means that the main game has to be stripped down for the poor suckers who can “only” afford a PS4, or that the NEO has to be ignored completely. Can you guess which option most developers (and customers) are gonna go with?
GAMES OF NOTE:
GOD OF WAR 4
With no Greek gods left to slaughter, lonely anti-hero Kratos stumbles into a gaping plothole, allowing him to kill off the gods of Norse mythology. Be on the lookout for controversial DLC in which Kratos takes on Jesus Christ mano-amano.
The Study Breaks 2016 E3 Special The Electronic Entertainment Expo is a time of hype, fun and surprises, but also of disastrous press conference mistakes and disappointments—both aspects are equally exciting. The major companies’ press conferences are best enjoyed in a dark room with unhealthy snacks that compliment the tone of the wacky failures to come. Schaudenfreude-licious!
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UNTIL DAWN: RUSH OF BLOOD:
This VR-exclusive sequel to last year’s ingeniously cheesy choose-your-own adventure title is an on-rails lightgun shooter in the style of House of the Dead and CarnEvil. Exactly the type of fun, schlocky spin-off Until Dawn deserves.
THE MICROSOFT CONFERENCE
Snack accompaniment: Green energy drinks and anything coated in orange dust. You know the drill. It’s doubtful we’ll see any huge surprises from Microsoft this year. At the time of writing, the company has denied up and down that it will release an upgraded version of the XBONE to counter the PS4 NEO. Expect minimal
coverage of the impractical and expensive hololens, MS’ answer to the VR craze that simply augments our own boring reality, rather than creating an entirely new one.
GAMES OF NOTE:
GEARS OF WAR 4:
Renowned games developer and known sexist Cliff Clesinski makes a triumphant return to his pet franchise, in which incredibly large, deep-voiced men rip very muscular aliens (and each other) limb from limb. In the only trailer we’ve seen so far, the protagonist spends an afternoon with his shockingly normal-sized wife and child, ripping trees from the ground with his bare hands, indicating new emotional depths from the series.
This Platinum-developed title is like a middle school fantasy so childish and lame that, years later, you’re privately embarrassed that you ever dreamed it up. You play as a white-haired Dante rip-off who slips on a pair of Beats-byDre-style headphones to blast EDM as he slices through hordes of medieval bad guys. The hook here is that you also command a huge dragon to exact your violent will on soldiers, monsters and the kid who called you “gay” because you accidentally used someone else’s towel in the locker room. STUDYBREAKS.COM
GAMING WATCH: EXCLUSIVE FIRST LOOK: IRON MAIDEN HD REMIX Fans of Miss Trunchbull, rejoice! This spiritual sequel to 1996’s “Sarcophagus Adventure” from fledgling developer Skewer has been confirmed for a Q3 2017 release. Rumor has it that physical pre-orders will come shipped with an exclusive set of stainless steel kebab sticks for the ultimate experience in VR anguish.
THE NINTENDO CONFERENCE
Snack accompaniment: Candy you enjoyed as a kid that, for reasons you can’t quite put your finger on, just doesn’t taste as good as it used to. Nintendo’s digital presentations are always the wild cards of E3, but this year, the focus will be entirely on their new console, codenamed “NX.” Smartly designed to combine the console and handheld markets, the NX’s bizarre controller will function as a standalone device, while the home unit itself looks to be more powerful than either the PS4 or XBOX ONE. It couldn’t come at a better time. The house of Mario has spread itself thin over the past few years, forced to divide its staff between development for 3DS, Wii U and NX after third-party support faltered. The result? Two consecutive E3 conferences that were, aside from the presence of Muppets, completely underwhelming. The timing of the NX release, coming in halfway through the current console cycle, mirrors that of Sega’s Dreamcast in 1999, a technical powerhouse that never garnered the support it needed to survive, but fans are cautiously optimistic. After years of stripped-down core titles, HD remasters and half-baked spin-offs, the NX might be Nintendo’s last chance to re-inspire the kind of rabid devotion it saw in the nineties.
GAMES OF NOTE:
THE LEGEND OF ZELDA 2016:
We’ve seen little of this stunning adventure since it was revealed at E3 2014. Featuring a vast world, a genderneutral protagonist and open-ended puzzle-solving, this is Nintendo at their most progressive in years. The only way they could screw this one up is by holding up their baffling promise to make it a Wii U-exclusive title.
The Pikmin franchise is an anomaly. Despite consistently low sales, the adorable strategy series always offers smooth, challenging gameplay, nervewracking boss fights and unbelievably gorgeous visuals. Pretty remarkable for a series that’s 50 percent about killing bugs and 50 percent about picking up peoples’ discarded fruit and trash. More of the same, please. JUNE 2016
Of the three semesters, summer is by far the most deceptive. Throughout the year, you cling to the promise of three months’ relaxation, only to discover that the summer workload is no lighter, just different. Classes are
shorter because they’re longer, you do fewer things despite having more time, and being constantly carefree eventually just stresses you out. Your resume enhancing job benefits you more but stimulates you less, while your summer romance does the opposite.
COLLEGE IN THE
STUDENT’S GUIDE No, summer is far from simple. That’s why we’ve culled and divided the wisdom of several summer-seasoned veterans into four categories: Summer
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Jobs, School, Romance and Housing. We can’t promise you’ll escape the semester unscathed, but at least you’ll know what you’re up against.
SUMMER JOBS By Anne Ertle, John Carroll University
CONGRATS ON THE JOB! HERE’S WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO NAIL YOUR AUDITION FOR THE REAL WORLD ABANDON ALL HOPE: It’s very important to go into this with realistic expectations. I mean, you probably should’ve been scoping out the job market months ago if you really wanted something good. Don’t you know our economy is still shaken from that recession that happened when you were in seventh grade? Remember that you’re not too good for anything, you piece of garbage. AVOID THE CLICHÉ: Anyone with intensive Red Cross training, amazingly adept lungs, impressive upper body strength, the stamina to sit under a hot sun all day and a nose to slather with zinc can be a lifeguard. Why not go for a more unusual job? I heard your local sanitation department is hiring. SOCIALIZE WITH COWORKERS: They’re the only people who understand the absolute hell that your life has become. You can bond over doing impressions of your overbearing boss or even just complaining about the same stuff. Even if they’re utterly unbearable, at least they’ll make interesting characters for the summer 2016 part of your memoir.
NETWORK: It’s not what you know, it’s who your mom’s coworker’s niece knows. Networking means that you go out of your way to meet people in your field in the hopes that someone will be able to help you out and hook it up with a job. Or it could just mean you have business cards with your Instagram handle on them. STAY OFF SOCIAL MEDIA: It’s a good idea to flip (off) the (Twitter) bird during your summer job. Not only does it make you look unprofessional, but everything in your timeline will remind you that you should have just skipped the whole school thing and become famous on Vine instead. SIGN TWIRLERS, EXTRAVAGANCE IS REWARDED: When all of my other stellar tips fail and you end up on a street corner advertising the liquidation sale of a local carpet warehouse that’s closing because of some questionable financial maneuvers, remember that drivers love twirlers with flair. And hey—maybe you’ll end up a viral social media celebrity after all.
Might actually be a job! You’re contributing to a 401K, which you’re still worried might be an ultramarathon. You have a “workspace.” It’s a TV tray facing the corner of the room, but hey, it’s something! A coworker strikes up conversation next to said water cooler.
“WAIT, THIS IS A JO
The office has a water cooler. Someone calls you by your first name (or it was close). You have successfully made a copy. After some very close calls, you finally found the bathroom. The people at the local coffee shop now see you more than your friends do. You have to buy a nice pair of black pants. You ask if you’ll be paid and they laugh and then light your resume on fire. Probably not a Job
Have you heard that song “California Gurls” (spelling??)? The radio station has played it a couple of different times lately. It’s very catchy. A good song for the summer. I hope you’re doing well, sweetie. Have a nice day.
ONE BAD DECISION LED TO ANOTHER, AND NOW YOU’RE IN SUMMER SCHOOL. STEP #1: LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS
By Olivia W. McCoy University of Georgia REGISTER EARLY The good courses are few and hard to come by, so take them as you see them and run. Don’t look back. And while you’re sitting pretty in your Intro to Fiction course that counts for several prerequisites, don’t forget to pay proper tribute to the poor bastards lost to Shakespearean Semantics and Pragmatism. GET TO CLASS EARLY Screw the speeding limits, the traffic lights and the flashing blue lights behind you. On those first few days of class you need to strap on those lead feet and BOOK IT! These are the crucial hours in which the unspoken, unassigned seating arrangements are decided, and to chill like a boss, you need to be cool. And by that I mean steal the seat next to the air conditioning and hold onto it for dear life. If you thought the tangible smell of B.O. was bad during the spring semester, then the passion
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pits of summer will be an unpleasant surprise. ENSURE THE CREDITS TRANSFER But seriously, the devil’s favorite past time is to trick college kids into signing away their souls to him for an A in these summer classes, just to have the credits be worth a few sympathetic shrugs and pitiable pats on the back.
DON’T EXPECT AN “A” You will never fully understand the extent of your procrastination prowess until you’re lying on a beach and your 10-page paper on stem cell research is due the following day. ACTUALLY, JUST TAKE THE EXTRA SEMESTER This is the best advice I can give you: Don’t sacrifice
yourself to the self-inflicted torture we call summer school. A condensed hell is still a hell, and at least if you graduate a little later you can still take that trip to Florida, instead of hearing about it while you’re locked away in a prison of overly-punitive attendance requirements and poor ventilation.
Your mother keeps making me listen to this Katie Perry lady. It’s fine, but what does she mean, “We’ll melt your popsicle?” You know who really knew California Girls? The Beach Boys. Did I ever tell you when I saw them…
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By Gabriella Hernandez, Kansas State University A SUCCESSFUL SUMMER RELATIONSHIP IS BUILT ON CUNNING. SURVEILLANCE AND A HEALTHY DOSE OF PARANOIA DRINK RESPONSIBLY With no responsibilities comes great alcohol. Make sure you are always getting hammered together. If he has his beers goggles on every time he sees you, then he will always think you’re the most beautiful thing on earth. Summer is all about creating memories you won’t remember. MAKE PLANS FOR THE FUTURE Go to the store and pick out living room furniture together, talk about your future dogs and even somehow create a scrapbook of what your family album will look like. With no homework to worry about, you will have plenty of time to discuss the important things so make sure it happens now. BECOME HIM Start lifting, learn to down Keystone and even dress like him. Stalk every form of social media and follow him around all day. You need to eat, breathe and sleep the exact same way he does. Basically, become his twin. If he loves himself, he’s bound to love you.
BE ADVENTUROUS Show him that you’re not like the other girls and turn his world upside down. Be down to do anything; school’s out and all bets are off. Take him to the mall, get your nails done and even do yoga together. SPICE THINGS UP Summer is the time to push boundaries and try new things. Hold hands on roller coasters, Eskimo kiss in front of strangers and even dress up like Jon Snow for your next date. Make sure to keep things fresh and original. He will want to keep you around forever. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING With every great love, comes a great Insta feed. Take pictures while he’s on the toilet, check in your location on Facebook and tag him every time you go out. Maybe even pour actual mustard on his legs for cute Snapchats at the beach for #hotdogsorlegs? If you don’t have pics, did it really even happen?
6 SIGNS YOU NEED TO DTR YOUR SUMMER FLING: 01. Your zodiac signs are super compatible and her psychic told her you two are #soulmates.
02. You see her everywhere you go: Your house, your gym, your bathroom window.
03. She texts you at least 50 times a day to ask who you’re with, where you’re at and when she will see you again.
04. She shows up uninvited to all of your family events, like your grandpa’s birthday party and your little brother’s dentist appointment.
05. You caught her using MakeMeBabies to see what your future children will look like.
06. She googles “Positive Pregnancy Test” and sends you screenshots to gauge your commitment.
Dad keeps going on and on about the Beach Boys. That’s the man I married! Speaking of the beach, be sure to wear sunscreen, honey. That sun is merciless and you don’t do well in heat. Use at least SPF 30, and don’t forget to reapply!
SUMMER HOUSING By Mallory Arnold, Ohio University
“What are you doing this summer?” When some lame duck asks this question, do you suddenly become as frazzled as a girl trying to decide between jeggings and leggings? Do you grimace like you’ve just swallowed an entire jar of canned A-ping? Have you been wrestling this grizzly bear of a decision for a month and find yourself notsurprisingly losing? Did anyone know that A-ping is actually fried tarantula? That’s right kids. Yet another reason to stay in school. Point being: As the weather gets warm and textbooks get worn (theoretically), students resume their annual battle over this legendarily mind-boggling question. If deciding whether or not you should return to home base when the school year ends makes you drown your confusion with tequila and tears, we’re here to help. It’s time to analyze the pros and cons of the choice, for the good of students. No longer will stressed out people be forced to down tequila shots—because I mean, what college student wants to do that?
SURVEY OF STUDENTS NATIONWIDE: “ARE YOU GOING HOME FOR THE SUMMER?”
After scrutinizing terabytes of dangerously detailed research, we’ve come up with an equation to help you decide whether or not you should go home for the summer.
And hydrate, too! I know you forget when you’re out and about, but it’s really very important. A lot of people have died from heatstroke. I just saw this program about it and the doctors were saying it could be the hottest year to date.
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The “Can You Afford It?” Quiz DETERMINING THE FISCAL VIABILITY OF YOU STAYING AT SCHOOL. How hurt would your bank account feel if you ordered a pizza with extra anchovies?
Your pet squirrel needs food for the week. Can you afford it?
o Ouch o It’d be fine o What the f*ck is an
o Nutty eats like a king tonight o Kill or be killed
If you wanted a gumball, you would feel financially safe after buying one.
o For sure o I’m scared, mom
Beyoncé comes into the bar and asks you to buy her a shot, what do you do?
o Buy her a shot o Cry o I don’t like Beyoncé
You’re out of toothpaste. What’s your first move here?
o Buy toothpaste o Use soap Let’s be honest, I don’t think we need a quiz key to figure out the answer here. Use your common sense, people. And go brush your teeth for the love of god.
because I’m a weenie
THE OFFICIAL PROS AND CONS OF GOING HOME FOR THE SUMMER
PROS Food that doesn’t consist of goldfish and Four Lokos Unconditional love from mom kisses FREE A nice break from the college life
You’re reunited with the love of your life (AKA your cat) Your liver can actually function a bit
Mom expects you to take out the trash...like excuse me, what? No day drinking on the porch, unless its chocolate milk The summer babysitting job with Tantrum Timmy bites
Loneliness (Cue Celine Dione’s “All By Myself”) Suddenly high school drama matters again You basically eat FOMO for breakfast every morning
Your mother is worried sick about you. NBC’s got her all riled up and she just read about how the heat makes kids act all crazy so be careful, kiddo. Anyways, I’m firing up the grill. Did you want a burger or a dog?
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LET’S LEVEL WITH EACH OTHER HERE. By this point in your life, the odds are slim that you’ve managed to dodge every road trip listicle that the internet’s thrown your way. You probably know what percent state park you are, what interstate highway is your spirit animal and which kolache is really from the Czech Stop. We get it, trust us. We’re right there with you. So, instead of repackaging the same tired suggestions, we’ve curated a slightly less orthodox road trip for you. Sure we threw in a Big Bend here and there to keep your feed happy, but most of the suggestions on the next pages go off the beaten path. So this summer instead of another day trip to Enchanted Rock, why not try something new? STUDYBREAKS.COM
Negate the Efforts of Vegetarians at: AMARILLO’S BIG TEXAN STEAK RANCH Indulge your Paul Bunyan side with the 72-ounce steak dinner challenge at Amarillo’s Big Texan Steak Ranch. Contestants are invited to leave their dignities at the door as they race the clock to polish off a meal that would leave Oliver Twist downright gobsmacked. Notable winners include a man named Klondike Bill and the mononymous Vladimir of Chicago.
By Molly Burke, University of Texas at Austin
Falsely Inflate the Value of Turquoise at: ABILENE’S BUFFALO GAP FLEA MARKET The great state of Texas boasts some of the best f lea markets in the nation. The Buffalo Gap market didn’t make this list, despite its undeniable charm and foreclosed-WalMart vibes. Visitors can munch fried Twinkies while perusing secondhand Pixar Blu-Rays and sad handmade jewelry. You’re guaranteed to leave with the turquoise-encrusted cross of your dreams. Weep to “The Breeze/My Baby Cries” at: LUBBOCK’S AMERICAN WIND POWER CENTER If you thought roadside antiquing was wild, wait till you see Lubbock’s Windmill Museum. Highlights include gentle drafts, quaintly knowledgeable staff and solemn reflections on the ills of Big Oil. With over 90 “rare and unique” models on site, it is a veritable cornucopia of windmills. Experience the hype for yourself—nine Google reviewers can’t be wrong! Dream of Chernobyl at: AMARILLO’S PANTEX PLANT MUSEUM Give your unhealthy obsession with Fallout IV some historical context by visiting the Pantex Plant, a relic of the World War II nuclear arms race. Located just east of Amarillo, it was once America’s only nuclear weapons assembly plant. These days, it’s a plutonium storage site and a prime target for what the military still claims are just conspiracy theories.
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Let Nostalgia Asphyxiate You at: LUBBOCK’S STARS & STRIPES DRIVE-IN THEATER Carbon monoxide enthusiasts unite! The Stars & Stripes Drive-In Theater is a nod to midcentury Americana, offering outdoor entertainment with a modern twist. Get away from the majesty of northwest Lubbock’s rugged landscape by settling in with the latest feat in CGI as you mentally swat away concern for your car battery. You’re bound to make friends with the similarly “outdoorsy” types in the Suburban next door. Mourn the Open Range at: MCLEAN’S DEVIL’S ROPE MUSEUM Ever wanted to go to a museum about wire? No? What if I told you it was barbed wire? Wait, hear me out. This place has literally thousands of varieties of barbed wire and barbed wire accessories on display. Barbed wire is an essential part of Texas history! Hey, where are you going?
Question What Makes Us Human at: GRAND PRAIRIE’S PALACE OF WAX MUSEUM There’s no better end to an afternoon of yo-yoing G-forces than a stroll through the uncanny valley that is mediocre wax sculpture. So once you’re sufficiently nauseated and sunburned from standing in lines at Arlington’s Six Flags, wince your way down I-30 to Louis Tussaud’s Palace of Wax. A week’s worth of nightmares or your money back. Inch Toward the Singularity at: DALLAS’ THE TRAVELING MAN Dallas’ Traveling Man art installation has all the accoutrements of the industrial-chic aesthetic your Instagram feed deserves. For the perfect #cultured selfie, look no further than this sculptural homage to Dallas’ Deep Ellum art district. A snap with one of the three stainless steel behemoths speaks to your appreciation for grandiose analogies and candid posing. Shiny hunk of metal? Check. Folksy, captionable backstory? Double check. Mothball Your Youth at: BONHAM’S QUILT HOP Roll up your best nylons and mosey over to the 2016 Bonham Quilt Hop. This year’s convention celebrates Amish and Mennonite techniques, the redundance of which seems entirely lost on the organizing committee. International quilting rock star Shirley Fowlkes Stevenson will be there to answer your burning questions about carpal tunnel and delayed gratification. See Hot Topic’s Summer Line at: DALLAS’ DISTURBED AND BREAKING BENJAMIN CONCERTS Ring in the new school year by revisiting your deeply-buried nostalgia for tryhard metal at the Dallas tour stop for Disturbed and Breaking Benjamin. You know you’re a 2000s kid if you can retch in perfect unison to the intro of “Down With the Sickness.” Don’t forget your faux chin labrets! STUDYBREAKS.COM
Channel “Jesus in the Temple” at: CANTON’S “DOG ALLEY” If you’re in the mood to snuggle puppies while rioting against evil, bring your pitchforks to Dog Alley in Canton, Texas, where unlicensed breeders and puppy mill dealers hawk adorably sickly specimens. Incredibly, this actual flea market still operates despite a searing US Humane Society investigative report and scathing Facebook reviews by enraged Sarah McLachlan fans.
By Molly Burke, University of Texas at Austin
Role Play “The Purge” at: CLIFTON’S CELL BLOCK HOTEL Tucked within the art town of Clifton sits the Cell Block, a tiny historic drunk tank repurposed as a luxury hotel. Once the overnight destination of Clifton’s publicly intoxicated revelers, the pint-sized jail now functions as an upscale inn for those with eclectic taste. For $225 a night, invite the large, stern man in your life to guard the stylishly minimalist bedroom as you sip complimentary privatelabel Tempranillo behind authentic iron bars.
By Mikala Everett, Texas State University
Fly Over the Cuckoo’s Nest at: MIDDLE OF THE DESERT, TX This trip will impress all of your drug-fiend friends. Get on 1-10 W and keep driving until you see no form of human life. Take in the scenic desert and make sure to bring quality hallucinogens to pair with the hallucinations you will experience from dehydration. Blaze up with an imaginary direwolf named Zack.
Find Life in a Hopeless Place at: EL PASO’S ZOO Originally for ages three and up, the El Paso Zoo isn’t just for families anymore. The animal sanctuary offers the perfect arena for proving that you aren’t a selfish millennial. Drive to El Paso, strip down to bare bones and run around the zoo protesting animal captivity. Don’t forget to make a Tumblr text post about your altruism.
Thank God for Instagram at: MARFA’S CHINATI FOUNDATION Sure you probably can’t afford to shop in the lone Prada store because of tuition or whatever, but you can always gaze up at the night sky and marvel at the natural light phenomena. As you look up at the lights, you can question your decision to travel to a desert wasteland for an Instagram picture.
Ignore Geographic Implausibility at: BALMORHEA’S STATE PARK How did all that water get in the middle of the desert? Most likely aliens, and that will be something to keep in mind when heading out to this implausible retreat. If you notice any strange lights in the sky, prepare your butt for probing. You can run but you can’t hide.
Avoid Yellow Spotted Lizards at: BIG BEND’S SA N TA ELENA CA N YON One of Texas’ 6,000 state parks, Big Bend offers a variety of fun times for college kids. You can get drunk and throw beer cans at wild animals and pee on every bush you pass. When you come back from your trip, you can brag to all your buddies about your commune with nature.
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Fail to Grasp the Appeal of “Rustic Chic” at: LAJITAS’ GOLF RESORT AND SPA Situated between Big Bend National Park and out of your price range, Lajitas Golf Resort and Spa is the perfect destination for students who have a lot of disposable income. You and your friends can get together and rob a bank or prostitute yourselves for a villa with a stocked wet bar.
Erase Your Memory of the Entire Summer at: SOUTH PADRE ISLAND Ah South Padre, the Spring Break mecca for the Texas collegiate. Students shouldn’t limit themselves to getting blackout drunk and topless in South Padre to a week in March. You should forget your name and dignity every week this summer. If you don’t, do you even college? Contemplate Death on: HOUSTON’S FREEWAYS AND BELTWAYS Although Houston is the birthplace of our Lord and Savior Beyoncé, there’s not much to do besides sit in three hours of traffic. Therefore, you should plan to visit all of Houston’s freeways. While slowly decaying in traffic you can ponder the quickest ways to die—just some good ol’ fashioned fun. See the Glass Half Full at: TEXAS CITY’S ROW OF OIL REFINERIES Since most of your day spent in the Houston area will be spent sitting in traffic, you can drive by the oil refineries in Texas City and Pasadena at night. They light up and shine like deadly stars. You and bae bonding over the pollution that is slowly killing the nearby residents is so romantic.
Don’t Think About “Lake Placid” or “Anaconda” at: NEEDVILLE’S BRAZOS BEND STATE PARK Number 5,968 of Texas’s 6,000 state parks, Brazos Bend is pretty legit. If the mosquitos don’t drain all of your blood first, the alligators of the Brazos River will be more than happy to dine on your intestines. Brazos Bend is not the destination for weakkneed frat daddies, but the brave, the beautiful, the CS majors.
By Mikala Everett, Texas State University
Bidi Bidi Photobomb Selena Fans at: CORPUS CHRISTI’S MIRADOR DE LA FLOR No one can deny that Selena Quintanilla is a goddess and the only reason Corpus Christi has any relevance. As a Texas student, you must traverse the highways to kiss the feet of Selena’s statue and offer a sacrifice. It can be a slaughtered lamb, an English textbook, your TI-84 calculator or your firstborn. F*ck the Man at: ROCKPORT’S AQUATIC/ SKATE PARK Sure there are skate parks near your college, but do they have ramps and whatever else is in skate parks? Probably. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t drive all the way to Rockport to longboard—after all, skate is life. If you are one of those consummate individuals that don’t skate, there’s an “aquatic park” attached. JUNE 2016
hot or not
Pho t o g r aphy b y M a r s h a l l T id r i c k , Te x a s S t at e Un i v e r s i t y
I bet even Vlad the Impaler had the oral hygiene wherewithal to know that putting your mouth through the distended anus of a Pooh bear is a bad idea.
“My friend wanted me to do some joke like, ‘Shredder? I barely knew her!’ But, I don’t think I’m cut out for that shit… Dahhhhhh do you get it? What’s up, my name’s Gristle.”
Just when scientists were finally getting ready to put HIV’s “copulating with a monkey” etiology to bed, this guy comes along and sends them back to the drawing board.
For years nobody said anything. It was a coping mechanism, nothing more. But when she found the two of them in the shed, Douglas with a knife over his kidney and a mirror in his hand, Kelly kicked herself for OK’ing all the anatomy night classes.
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Despite an army of psychiatrists and twice-daily intravenous Zoloft, when downcast eyes and melancholy eyebrows are literally stitched onto your face, depression can be pretty hard to shake.
Though Kobe pressured his poetic muse to conceal her identity, this Beatrice’s tell-all memoir, “My Love is Like a Laker,” will likely be a living ninth level for the Black Mamba.
For years “Dorian Gray and the Scissorhands Stone” sputtered in pre-production, but a slew of guerilla PR initiatives have investors optimistic about tapping the lucrative “confused grandmother” demographic.
By investing the prize money from five Iditarods in a start-up that insured clients against Sarah Palin-related damages, Gunnar was able to splurge on a slave-human to ferry him from intriguing butt smell to intriguing butt smell.t
the sketch book
B y Je n n a R a m s e y, S e at t le Un i v e r s i t y
Stay-at-Home Mom Who’s Had a Frew Brews—She’s spending her single day of summer relaxation with a few too many glasses of her favorite icy beverage, and floating as far away from her children as possible. Occasionally she’ll glance over her shoulder to halfheartedly remind them to reapply sunscreen. Doesn’t care if they’re irritating other tubers.
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Guy Who Thought He Could Bring His Dog—This guy saw pictures on Facebook of a friend tubing with a beer in hand and a lazy Labrador laying on its own tube right beside him. Foolishly, he thought he could set the same scene with his new pug, Peaches. He was wrong.
Family That Holds Hands to Link Their Tubes Together— They don’t care that they’re blocking the path, and no one can complain about it without sounding like an asshole. The circle of tubes makes its way down the river a little more slowly than everyone else’s, especially with the chaotic scrambling every time someone’s hand gets loose.
Kid Who Swims Around Without a Tube—This kid decided a tube wouldn’t gain the momentum he’s looking for. He’s swimming between peoples’ legs, screaming to friends at the top of his lungs whenever he comes up for air, and darting around like everyone is in a race that only he’s aware of. He’s likely a child of Margarita Mom.
Teen Who Doesn’t Want to Get Her Hair Wet – She doesn’t want to be on this outing with her embarrassing family just as much as she doesn’t want to ruin the perfectly sculpted chignon on her head. The only expression she wears besides disgust is bug-eyed shock when the tubeless swimming kid splashes within fifteen feet of her tube.
Interview and Photography by Madelynne Scales, Texas State University
G E T T I N G TO K N OW:
FRANNIESHEINBERG Frannie Sheinberg, a.k.a. “Flava Fran,” has become notorious in the Texas State community for her freestyle rapping, positive vibes and vibrant personal style. The 22-year old Texas State student has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, Asperger’s syndrome and ADHD, none of which have stopped her ascent to campus-wide fame. Sheinberg became popular within the Greek community in 2014, and since then her positive influence has reached the masses. Sheinberg has performed as the opening act for Fight Nite, as well as Mr. Bobcat, a philanthropic pageant for Delta Zeta.
> “These kids in my ninth grade class were freestyling, and I didn’t even know what freestyling was but I just did what they did. Then word got around that I could rap.” > “I’ve done the opening act at The Marc for Fight Nite, I performed for the Miss Bobcat Pageant the past two years, and I performed at Mr. Bobcat this past year. I’ve performed at Low Hoop [a fraternity-organized basketball tournament], and also at Fight Nite itself.” > “I really like Greek life, and I’ve always had an interest in it because one of their biggest things is philanthropy. I love philanthropy and charity work.” > “I was really worried about coming to school, and even my parents discouraged me from going. Everybody told me not to go. My parents said, ‘Well, we’ll see you back home at Thanksgiving, because we know you’re not going to make it past then.’ All the odds were against me, but I don’t give up that easily.” > “I would always write stories and poems when I was growing up, and then when I started rapping it was really relieving—it was a good way for me to express myself and be myself. It felt natural.” > “It was back in 2009. Flavor Flav, the guy with the big clock, he was kind of popular and some kids started calling me Flava Fran when I would rap. And the name stuck.” > “Yo hey all you I’m Flava Fran/Kanye West can’t do what I can/I be sittin up all day in the studio/and I wish right now I could be eatin some froyo /‘cuz yeah we all know ice cream’s my favorite food/I’m here with Madelynne, she’s putting me in a good mood/word.” > “I feel that it can show people who I am. It’s my lifeline—it’s how I connect to others. You know, it’s my connection to the world.” > “I hope that my raps can help people be happy with themselves. That’s one of my biggest things: I want people to be happy with who they are and to see that they’re perfect.” > “Of course I have some haters and that’s kind of hard, but I’d like to say that most people like it.” > “Delt is the fraternity that has really helped me out. They’ve really made such a positive influence on me. They’ve helped me really learn to love myself for who I am. They’ve shown me that just me as myself is really OK.” > “I just want to be a lot of things. I want to write books for sure, but I’d also like to be a motivational speaker at schools, design clothes and maybe be a librarian.” > “Yo me and Madelynne just did the best interview/and that’s life coming from Frannie, the rapping Jew/word.”
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TEACHAHOLICS ANONYMOUS Scene: A church basement. In the middle of the room a dozen chairs form a circle. A group of disgruntled, maladjusted middle-aged men and women are seated. The men’s faces suggest that a need to exhaustively explain something is going unfulfilled. The women’s hands clinch and seize as if clutching at some phantom 30 cents.
PROFESSOR STOFF: “Good evening and welcome to Teachaholics Anonymous. My name is Professor Stoff, and I am a teachaholic and your Secretary. “As always, the only requirement for T.A. membership is a desire to stop teaching, so we ask all who participate to confine discussion to problems relating to their inability to resist lecturing, instructing, explaining, or in any way teaching someone something. “I see a lot new faces, but we do always get a bump in the summer. If everyone’s ready, please bow your heads. “Dean of Students, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot teach, courage to teach the things I can, and the teachings to know the difference. Amen. “Anyone who wants to speak is now free to, just remember—no teaching.” PROFESSOR HOAD: “Hello, my name is Professor Hoad.” GROUP: “Hi, Professor Hoad.” PROFESSOR HOAD: “I haven’t taught for a fortnight now, which is actually an archaic term that means two weeks. Does anyone have any questions? Good, moving on.” PROFESSOR MOON: “Wait, Professor Hoad, are you aware that you just taught? Now, were I to give you the benefit of the doubt, there is a slight chance that you could’ve forgotten the rules as a result of amnesia, which is often characterized by short-term memory loss. Yes, you in the back.”
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PROFESSOR NGUYEN: “Wait, you just taught too, Professor. Is this how meetings always go? This is my first time, but it seems like everyone is just teaching.” PROFESSOR WYNN: “Professor, are you familiar with the show trials of the early Soviet Union? Though feigning due process, the judicial proceedings often had predetermined verdicts, providing the Soviet regime the appearance of legitimacy, while in reality fulfilling the group’s selfserving needs. Discuss the similarities between Stalin’s kangaroo courts and this meeting in no less than 500 words.” PROFESSOR RUMRICH: “Funny you would mention predetermination, Professor, because Milton would actually argue that foreknowledge of an event’s conclusion has no bearing on the free will of the involved parties. I’ll expect your essays on my desk by Monday morning.” PROFESSOR ESPOSITA: “Economically speaking though, Professors, there’s no such thing as a free will. In fact, estate tax charges a f lat rate of 40 percent on individuals who exceed the exemption amount.” PROFESSOR NGUYEN: “I haven’t felt this alive in months! My god I missed teaching people things. I mean, I know we should stop, but Newton’s 2nd Law states that an object in motion must remain in motion…Okay next slide.”
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