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Family Time Parenting Children Session Two Communicating Love Mark Welcome back to Parenting Children, session 2 A reminder to make the most of the bookstall this evening. Mention any particular books. As we begin, turn in your handbook to session 1 and take two minutes to share with your partner or neighbour the thing that you found most helpful from the last session. Lindsay In session 1 we introduced the aim that we feel it is important to hold onto in our parenting and that is to reach our children’s hearts so that we can enable them ultimately to live a life which brings fulfilment and contentment. We’ll continue to develop this idea of reaching our children’s hearts as the course progresses and today we’re going to look at an area which is key if we are to be in any way effective in our aim. If we hope to shape our children in such a way that they take on board for themselves the things we teach them, then it is vital: • That our relationships with them are strong, • That channels of communication are always open and • Most important of all that each of our children know we love them. The time as mums and dads when we have most influence and opportunity to shape and guide our children's lives is when they are very young – and it is a relatively short period, say 10-12 years. How many of us I wonder have said to ourselves "I can't believe how quickly they are growing up." So in this session we’re going to look at some practical things we can do to build those relationships with our children that look to the future. We’re going to cover three main areas – •

First, time spent with our children


Second, effective communication • Third, building relationship •

The first thing that helps us to build those strong relationships is being there with our children – being present with our children. Mark 1 Presence is spelt T I M E. Children need our time today and it is not just quality time they need but quantity time. The expression ‘quality time’ has become a very fashionable one in recent years. This probably has something to do with the increasingly frenetic lives that some of us live as families which means that often time together gets squeezed out. The result is that the time we do spend together becomes all the more precious and so perhaps we call it ‘quality time’ in the hope that it will be just that! It has become the thing to work on an assumption that quality is better than quantity. The 'quality time person' may not have much time but what they do have they will make the most of. The 'quantity time person', on the other hand, thinks that just by being around, by being visible, that somehow communication is happening. And we all know how easy it is to be around physically but not emotionally. Our physical presence does not necessarily indicate our commitment to someone. Yet equally we know that just because people are talking about quality time doesn’t mean it is a reality and there are still many children who crave quality time even though their parents love them to bits. “A key to communicating with children is to put in a lot of quantity time so that the quality time can happen" If we are to build an open, honest, trusting relationship with our children in which they’re able to come to us with confidence whatever the problem and whatever their age, we’ll need to invest time, both quality and quantity. 2

“The best thing parents can spend on children is time, not money” For many of us hearing this may make us feel uncomfortable. It makes us feel uncomfortable. Lindsay One day our children came home from school and after what I thought was a catch up on the day they went off to do their home work. Later that evening I overheard one of our boys talking with someone who lived with us. She asked him if he’d had a good day and he said “no not really”. I pricked up my ears and heard him telling her that they had had a competition at school to design a menu and they had to give it in yesterday. He took his in but lots of people forgot so the teacher gave them an extra day. “My friend saw mine yesterday” he said “and then he copied it and brought his in today and won the competition! I was amazed I hadn’t heard that story but I probably hadn’t put in as much time as I might have done that evening which might explain why! Mark Here is an essay written by a seven year old entitled ‘What is a Grandma?’ that illustrates how important time with our children is: A Grandma is a lady who has no children of her own so she likes other people’s little boys and girls. A Grandfather is a man grandmother. He goes for walks and they talk about fishing and tractors. Grandmas don’t have to do anything they just have to be there and they are so old that they shouldn’t play or run it is just enough for them to drive us to the shops where they have pretend horses. They always have lots of money ready in their pockets and when they take us for walks they walk slowly and are able to look at things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. They never say, ‘Hurry up.’ Usually they are fat, but not too fat to tie their shoe laces and they wear glasses, funny underwear and take their teeth and gums off at night. They don’t have to be smart but just answer questions like, ‘Why dogs hate cats and how come God isn’t married.’ When they read they never skip a page and neither do they mind if it is the same story again. Everybody should try to have one especially 3

if they don’t have a TV because Grandmas are the only ones who have a lot of time.’ Our presence matters. Time spent with our children matters and it matters at every age. Take time now to fill out the Time Spent with my Children exercise in your handbook on P12 We’ll give you five minutes to fill it in and then talk about it with your partner or neighbour. Lindsay You can talk further about that in the group discussion time afterwards but for now we want to move on to our second main area for this session … 2


What can we do to encourage communication when we’re with our children? Often parents are telling their children what to do while children are telling their parents their dreams and wishes. Listen to this conversation between a father and his son over tea one evening. Boy “Hey dad I’d really love us to go skiing. Sam goes every year. He says he’s really good at it and he can go zooming down the mountain really fast. Can we go dad?” Dad “Mmm that’s all very well for Sam but skiing is very expensive and we’re not really that sort of family. Now hurry and eat up. I want to get you into bed there’s a programme I want to watch on tv.” Sometimes we’re so busy with our lives that the children have to fit in. How might dad have responded? Dad “Wow that sounds fantastic. It sounds like you’d really enjoy learning to ski and I’m sure you’d soon be going fast like Sam. I don’t know if we could go on a skiing holiday but maybe we could try a dry slope one day or even arrange for you to go with the school on one of their trips.”


We can make the mistake of thinking that communication is the ability to express ourselves. So we talk ‘to’ our children rather than talking ‘with’ our children. Communication, when it's working, is not just about expressing our thoughts but about listening to and drawing out the thoughts of another. Exercise: Tell your partner or neighbour how it feels when someone really listens to you and understands what you’re saying. I suspect you have come up with words like… Valued Encouraged Understood Built up So our object in communication with our children must be to listen to and understand our child. How often have we heard or been part of the sort of dinner conversation we’ve just heard? Our children have very little 'life baggage' that gets in the way of what they are thinking or saying. So what they have to say is very important. How can we learn to listen? Practical tips. • Physically get down to the level of your child. Perhaps kneel or sit when they are talking. • Look them in the eye. Show them that they have your full attention. • Don't try and do two things at once - Listen only to your child • Reassure them that they have your attention by touching them on the face or arm. • Wait for them to finish what they are saying! It may take a while but it is worth it. And what will be the end result? Ted Tripp says this, "Sensitive communication with your children enables them to understand the complexities of life. They learn that life is concerned with both the world of feelings and the world of ideas. It means understanding


yourself and others. It means having long term vision as well as short-term goals.” To communicate with your child is to invest long-term in their character. The more you talk with your child, helping them to understand themselves, their temptations, doubts, fears and anxieties, the more you’ll prepare them for and give them an understanding of life in the world. And you’ll also teach them that their thoughts are of value and that you want to understand them better because they matter so much to you. Let’s illustrate this for you… Imagine your child is putting on his new jumper that your mother in law knitted him for Christmas. You knew when he opened it on Christmas Day that he wasn’t really pleased with it but you had asked her to knit him a new jumper and in an error of judgement you had left her to choose the wool and the pattern. Now he is getting ready to go to his friend’s house and he is crying. What will you do? If your objective is to let him know your thoughts you might say something like this: “Look, I know you’re not very pleased with that jumper but just put it on and stop looking so miserable. There’s nothing the matter with it. Granny spent a lot of time making that for you and you ought to be more grateful. It might not be the style your friends wear but what does that matter? They don’t always know what looks best. Now hurry up and get ready or we’ll miss the bus.” On the other hand, if your primary objective was to understand what your child is going through inside, you might have a conversation like this: (two speakers present a sketch) Mum: “You’re fed up about having to wear that jumper aren’t you?” Boy: “Yes” Mum: “You knew as soon as you opened it that you didn’t like it didn’t you?” Boy: “Yes, I was really disappointed.” Mum: “But you didn’t want to say in case you upset me?” Boy: “No” Mum: “What don’t you like about it?” 6

Boy: “It’s so uncool. It looks really stupid.” Mum: “I don’t know what you mean” Boy: “No-one wears jumpers their Granny knitted. Especially not purple ones.” Mum: “So it’s the colour you don’t like. And the fact that it’s homemade?” Boy: “Yes. All my friends wear hoodies. And the best ones have a logo across the front. Everyone will think I’m silly wearing this stupid woollen thing. They’ll all laugh at me.” Mum: “That must feel horrible” You’ve just got in touch with the heart of your child by communicating with him at a deeper level and hearing his inner feelings.

Example: a while ago one of our boys began to complain that he had no friends at school. Initially we responded with “Of course you have!” and merrily listed the names of all the children in his class we had ever heard him talk about. After all, the teacher had told us that he was popular and always got on well with everyone in the classroom. But he continued to say that he had no friends. This went on for a few days with everyone, including his teacher and his big brother and sister repeatedly telling him that of course he had friends. Then one day it struck us that whatever the reality might be, in his little mind he didn’t believe he had friends. Sometimes he was alone in the playground and this meant, to him, that he didn’t have friends and we needed to take that seriously. And so we changed our response. We began to listen more carefully to what he was saying and to show that we understood how he felt. We made suggestions as to what he might do sometimes to draw his friends to him in the playground and very soon, although he still had times when he was on his own he became his happy self again. Little had changed. His friends were no more his friends now than they had been all along. But because we had listened to him and he had felt understood, he knew we cared, he was then in a stronger position to cope with life in the playground.

We all have three worlds. • Our public world, the part of us that is open for anyone to see. • Our personal world, which is open to those close to us.


• Our private world which we open up just every now and then to those who we trust. Children have the same three worlds and from time to time as parents we are invited into that very private world. It may be last thing at night just as your child is settling down to sleep or when you are alone doing a small task together. Often your child will say "Daddy / Mummy, do you know……" and we find we are invited into their private world. This is a point at which they are about to share something private and personal and our response is crucial. If we tell them not to be silly or make light of what they said then they are less likely to open up to us next time. However if we can be attentive and show we care however childish the point might be we are more likely to be invited into their world later on in life when things might not be quite so childish. Picture this scenario… A young girl might be talking to her mum or dad one night and in the midst of the conversation she might suddenly say "do you think I'm pretty?" A response such as "don't be so silly of course you are " may reassure her to some extent. But how much better to try and get behind the question and discover where it has come from as well as giving the obviously much-needed reassurance. The comment might have come because she was called names at school or because she hears others being told they are pretty but it hasn't been said to her for a while. This is a precious moment and needs careful handling. An appropriate response might be…. "Yes darling I do think you're pretty. I think you're beautiful! What makes you ask me that?" Remember that communication is the art of expressing sensitively what is in my heart and of hearing completely and understanding what another thinks or feels. So allow your children into your world too. Communication is a two-way thing and if we share our heart with our children – let them know what is important to us, what our dreams and visions and hopes are - they will be far more likely to share their hearts with us too. Communication at this deeper level is our aim. 8

Mark And the key to that aim and our third main point in this session, is 3

Building relationship with our children.

So what can we do to build relationship with our children and ensure that they really do feel that we love them? 1

Do things together

As we have said already, if we want a relationship to grow then we will need to commit to it in terms of time. If something means a lot to us we spend time on it. Our children need us to spend time with them. And with children, the best way to spend time together is to do things together – • play a game together • go for a walk together • go swimming together • do some gardening together • watch a movie together • eat a meal together Do whatever you like as long as it’s together. Lindsay Example: A while ago Mark was out for the evening and as it was a Friday I (Lindsay) suggested to one of our daughters that she might like to stay up a little later than usual. Her eyes lit up at my suggestion and they became even brighter when I suggested that we might play draughts together. We spent half an hour or so playing our game and chatting and then off she went happily to bed. When I went to bed myself a couple of hours later, on my bed I found a slip of paper on which she had drawn a big heart and inside which she had written in large letters “I love you”. My guess is that that note came because of the half an hour I had invested earlier in the evening. My time with her had made her feel loved in a way that words alone would probably never have done.

Making time to do things together creates an environment in which we can talk with our children about important things. And it’s worth remembering that our children will probably learn more from


talking with mum and dad than we will ever realise, so it’s crucial not to let these opportunities pass us by. Mark Second in building relationship 2 Encourage with words The bible says (1 Thessalonians 5:11) "encourage one another and help one another". The word encourage means “to instil courage”. • Encouragement cheers us up when we are working hard on something and wondering how effective we’re being. • Encouragement helps us do things we didn’t think we could do. • Encouragement helps to grow in confidence as we learn to do something new. Exercise: Tell your partner or neighbour about a time when you received encouragement and it changed things for you. Lindsay Children too need to hear words that inspire and encourage them. In giving a child encouragement we are looking to give them the courage to go further. As parents we have the power to encourage by what we say to our children. An encouraging word spoken appropriately is often what determines whether a child takes on board the action or attitude we’re praising them for.

Example: A while ago I was at church with our then 4 year old, Jos. As I chatted to people he started to play with a little boy 2 years younger than him, occupying him as his mum cleared up. Afterwards his mum said to Jos “thank you so much for taking care of Jack. That was really helpful to me – he likes you!” Praise like that is great. It may well help Jos to do the same again another time. It was lovely of this mum to do that. We can do it for our own children and for other people’s children too – it makes such a difference.


So speak words of encouragement – • “Thank you for taking out the rubbish. That really helps me” when your child has offered to help. • “Well done for getting yourself dressed. You've really learnt to do that well” • “You’ve worked really hard at leaving your bedroom tidy and it’s made a real difference.” Words like this that emphasise effort and improvement are such motivators and we have noticed how often such words really help our children to achieve their potential. Mark Words are so powerful. A woman grew up on a farm and her dad ran a grocery store. The milkman often came to the grocery store and, every time he saw her he would rub her on the head saying, ‘How is my little Miss America?’ He did that day after day, week after week and month after month and year after year as an affectionate little term. Then she started thinking when she was in junior school that maybe she could be Miss America. When she finally won the title in 1980 she gave credit to the milkman, which is kind of weird really, isn’t it? And to God, of course, for giving her skill, beauty and talent. Those words shaped her. I often say to my children, ‘How is my little millionaire today?’ Words don’t have to be spoken, they can be written too. We have sometimes written a note and popped it in the children’s lunch box or left it amongst their work when we’ve been to parents’ evening or simply on their pillow. Sometimes these written words are even more precious because they can be kept and looked at again another day. Lets remember too … to allow our children the freedom to fail For any child to be told that they are a failure is so disheartening. "Come on you are 6 years old now you should be able to tie your own laces" as a parent takes over and ties the laces up for the child, is very different from saying "You try really hard to tie your


laces these days well done. Would you like me to help you learn so that you can do them on your own?" If our children are afraid of failing for fear of looking foolish they may well hold back rather than stretching themselves to their full potential. They need to know that as long as they have tried their best, failure is fine and that we will always stand by them whatever. An encouraging parent looks for effort rather than success and so in all our parenting lets look for improvement and seek to encourage and inspire our children in every way possible. Lindsay Third in building relationship with our children 3 Give plenty of hugs Children of all ages and both sexes need physical expression of love. A son needs his father’s loving touch as well as his mother’s and a daughter needs plenty of physical affection from her mother as well as from her father. Studies have shown that many parents only touch their children when it is necessary such as when they are dressing them or putting them in the car or taking them up to bed. Yet hugging is a very effective way of making our children feel loved. As parents, we can develop a relationship with our children that’s not just verbal but is also physical. This will mean hugging our children when we want to congratulate them as well as hugging them when they are hurting. Author Paul Planet says this: "Hugging is very healthy. It helps the body's immune system. It keeps you healthier. It cures depression and reduces stress. It induces sleep. It is invigorating. It is rejuvenating. It has no unpleasant side effects. Hugging is nothing less than a miracle drug. Hugging is all natural. It is organic and naturally sweet. It contains no pesticides, preservatives or artificial ingredients and is 100% wholesome.


Hugging is practically perfect. There are no moveable parts, no batteries to wear out, no periodic check-ups, no monthly payments, no insurance requirements. It offers no energy consumption and returns a high-energy yield while being inflationproof, non-fattening, theft-proof, non-taxable, non-polluting and fully-returnable." Fourth in building relationship 4 Keep your promises It seems obvious but to build trust and communication we have to be trust worthy. "I'll play with you later" roles all too easily off the tongue, in order to solve an immediate situation. We may forget to play but our children won't forget. Example: one day, during the school holiday, one of the children asked if we could go and get him some new trainers that day. I said “yes we can”. But as the day went on one thing after another came my way and I realised that we wouldn’t have time to go out shopping. I knew he would be disappointed so, saying nothing, I just suggested we might invite his friend Christopher round to play. He was delighted and they had a great time playing all afternoon and I thought he’d forgotten all about our earlier conversation. As I tucked him into bed that evening I said to him “It’s been a great day hasn’t it? Did you enjoy playing with Christopher?” “Yes,” he said. “But why didn’t I get my new trainers?”

Our memories are all too short but our children's are not. If we can be trust worthy and people of our word then our children will likely grow to be the same. Mark And fifth in building relationship 5 Tell your children regularly that you love them


All children need to be told in words that mum and dad love them. For some people, especially if it was never said to them as children, this may not come easily but it is worth persevering and practising at every opportunity. In our family we not only say the words verbally, we often write them down and also use signing to get our message across. The children love this ‘secret’ way of communicating our love, and it’s especially fun in a crowded place such as a school concert or when you’re saying goodbye at the school gate and you don’t want your child to lose face with his friends. Communicating love is vital in building relationship. A bit like filling a car with fuel, our children’s lives need to be filled with love (as do our partners and our own) How can we make sure that our children’s love tanks are full? One way is to ask ourselves whether we are speaking their love language? People are different and they speak different love languages. If you tried to tell a French person you loved them and they didn’t speak English, it would mean nothing. In the area of love it's similar. Your emotional love language and the language of your child, or partner may be as different as English from German, or French, or even Chinese. We must be willing to learn the primary love language (or the way they most readily give and receive love) of our child or other close family members if we are to be effective communicators of love. The five love languages is a book that we highly recommend. The author, Gary Chapman, outlines five basic areas through which we tend to give and receive love and explains that one or two of these areas will likely be more important to us than the others. The areas are these: Lindsay 1 Words of affirmation: some people enjoy and seem to need encouragement. Whether it be thanks for something they’ve done, a compliment about how they look or praise for a recent 14

achievement, these words of encouragement really make a difference to how they feel about themselves and as a result how they feel about the person the words have come from. Eg “Thank you for cooking such a lovely meal” or “What a fantastic party – you’re such a good organiser!” When it comes to your child: if your child always comes and shows you things he has written, or drawn and looks for praise or responds very positively when his behaviour is praised then words of affirmation may be his primary love language. If so, give him lots of encouragement. Praise his successes rather than highlighting his failures (which would of course go for all children!) Mark 2 Quality Time: some people need time given them more than anything else in their special relationships. More than anything they like to spend time with their partner or friend, either doing something together – a sport, or a hobby, or having a meal in a restaurant – or simply having a good conversation, sharing openly, listening to one another and really communicating. Time like this for some people really builds them up and again, as a result puts deposits in the love bank of the person who has given them time. A lady came to us some while back and said that her husband was wonderful in so many ways, so helpful around the home, was always tidying up and doing the odd jobs that were needed. “But”, she said, “if only he would read about these Love Languages he might realise that he is completely missing the point when it comes to what makes me feel loved. I just long for quality time with him.” When it comes to our child: all children need quality time, some more than others. What you can do is enter into their interests, watch them playing sport, sit with them while they practice the piano, give them the time they are looking for. If you do this when they are young, the chances are they will allow you to spend time with them in their adolescent years and beyond. Lindsay 3 Gifts: for some people, to receive a gift from a special person, when it isn’t their birthday or Christmas, means more to them than anything. It doesn’t have to be expensive but just the fact of being given it makes them feel loved and appreciated.


When we first got married I sometimes used to go shopping on a Saturday afternoon while Mark stayed at home and did some DIY. Often I would buy him a little gift, usually a pair of socks! I’d give them to him on my return and he would, fairly unenthusiastically, put them in his drawer. Gradually his drawer became fuller and fuller with socks. What neither of us realised until we read the Five Love Languages was that I was buying him socks because I myself enjoyed receiving gifts and thought he would too. For his part, he couldn’t understand my strange behaviour! When it comes to your child: if your child is always making and wrapping presents for you and responds very positively when given a gift, Receiving Gifts may be his primary love language. He gives because he likes to receive. If so, gifts don't have to be expensive or cost anything at all. The fact that they are 'given' will be enough to fill the tank! Mark 4 Acts of service: for some people to have their partner or friend help them out by doing a job which would normally not be their responsibility really makes a difference. It might be that you fill up the car with petrol to save your partner doing it the next morning, or you offer to look after a friend’s child because you know they have a busy week. An act like that means more to some than to others. When it comes to your child: if they are often very grateful for the things you do for them and are often offering to help you, their primary love language may be Acts of Service. Helping them to mend a bicycle or a toy will mean a lot and help to fill their tank. Lindsay 5 Physical touch: some people need physical closeness more than others. For some people, they feel unloved unless they have frequent physical contact. When it comes to your child: if they run to you and jump on your lap when you arrive and stroke your hair and want to be touched, their primary love language may be Physical Touch. If so, give them plenty of hugs and kisses, as many as they can take!


When children are little it is difficult to know what is their primary love language so pour on all five and you are bound to be right! But if you watch them you can discover it early. But thinking of ourselves: how can we discover our own primary love language? Ask yourself these questions: - What makes me feel most loved by my partner or close family member, friend or my child? What do I desire above all else? - What does my partner or child or friend do or say that hurts me? If criticism springs to mind maybe yours is Words of Affirmation. - What have I most requested of my partner? The thing you most request is probably the thing that would most make you feel loved - How do I most express love to other people? Often we express love in the way we would like it expressed to us. In a moment, when we break for coffee and cake, we want to encourage you to take time to do the Love Languages Exercise in your handbook on P15 using it to work out your primary love language and then work out the order of the other four. Then try to work out the order for your children and for your partner if you have one. Then see the difference it makes to your family life as you seek to put love into action! Mark So as we conclude this session, what we are really saying in all of this is: Build relationship with your children while you have the chance. We found the diagram onP14 in your hand books very helpful to illustrate this ‌ When our children are young we as mums and dads are largely in control of all they do. God made it this way because our children have been entrusted to us and we, through our love and care will 17

look after them. As they grow older though, our control diminishes as they begin to make their own decisions and choices and we hope that in its place comes our influence to guide them in how they live their lives. Control

Influence Age 0……………………………………………….18

Fig 1 Our influence will only be as great as the effort we have put into making strong relationships. Our aim must be to build a relationship that will stand the test of time. It's as we spend time with our children now, building a relationship of trust, that we are laying the foundations for a life of unity in the family. We’re going to break for coffee now and a special thank you to … for providing the cakes for this evening. After coffee we’ll go to our groups as usual.