Stowe Resort
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LUXURY VACATION HOMES FOR THE SAVVY TRAVELER A SUMMER WHINE... CERTAINLY A DAUNTING TASK. BUT IF I CAN PULL IT OFF, IT WOULD BE THE SINGLE GREATEST ACCOMPLISHMENT OF MY ENTIRE PROFESSIONAL WRITING CAREER. WHICH IS EXACTLY FOUR MONTHS OLD, BUT WHATEVER. LET THE SUMMER HATIN’ BEGIN!
Stowe Resort Homes offer: Give those boxer-briefs a quick sniff test in the morning and saddle-up again. In summer I funkify an entire set of clothes within five minutes. I would shower and change every hour if it were socially acceptable. Actually, I wouldn’t bother wearing clothes at all if that were socially acceptable, so you should all probably thank society for that.
Feel the burn My skin is pale. Ridiculously pale. Freakishly pale. So pale I once had a complete stranger stop in his tracks, stare at my skin and say, “Dude… you need a tan.” “Yeah, well you need an aggressive melanoma, tan-boy!” I retorted. Ok, no I didn’t. Dammit, why can’t I ever think of snappy retorts in time? I’m good for at least three sunburns every summer. They are as impressive as they are painful. The peeling is the most astonishing thing. Great sheets of gossamer skin are freed from my back as I pull with guilty delight. Someone really needs to explain why there’s enjoyment in something so incredibly gross. Is there a name for this? Pimple-Popping-Syndrome or something? Scientists, get on this already!
Vampires got it right It seems insane, but there is such a thing as too much light. See, I enjoy sleeping late on weekends. I enjoy it on weekdays too, though slightly less because my boss is always bothering me with those infernal calls asking where I am. Summer messes up that whole schedule. Even with the shades drawn the light still pours in, waking me up at the crack of 11. It’s highly annoying. It’s gotten to the point where I will bury my head deeper under more and more pillows to escape the sunlight, then wake up gasping for breath on the verge of suffocation. I swear, one day I’m going to be found dead under a mound of pillows. The CSI Stowe team will come in, one of them staring out
the window at the blazing sun before saying, “I guess he found out it’s not nice to fool… (dramatic pause to don sunglasses) … Mother Nature. Dammit, I put my sunglasses on too late, sunblindness, arghhhh!!!”
Hot weather messes with your brain One particularly frigid, snowy evening as I was shoveling my car out at work, a coworker walked up and said, “You know, it’s been scientifically proven that cold weather makes us stupid.” “Horseradish,” I replied. “See… I only mention that because you’re shoveling out my car.” “Oh,” I said. “I know that! I’m being courteous, you twit!” Later, in a warmer environment, I wondered if he may have a point. Sure enough, the internet has determined that in cold weather the human body directs more blood toward vital internal organs (heart, liver, appendix) and away from less useful places, i.e., the brain. “Aha!” I bellowed. I always knew my brain was getting overworked in the summer. Winter is like giving your brain a much-needed vacation. In winter I blissfully forget all kinds of simple things, like to pay for gas at Maplefields without driving away. Yeah… that is all winter’s fault. Hey, I did it. A summer hatin’ article, at your service. Proof positive that I’m in the writing zoooone! Next challenge: Why Foliage Season Sucks. All those colorful trees are really starting to get on my nerves. n
•Many superb homes in Stowe and at Topnotch Resort & Spa Enjoy use of the resort’s world-class facilities: -Luxurious 30,000 sq. ft. spa and sports club -Top-rated tennis facilities and programs -Indoor and outdoor pools, outdoor whirlpool •25 – 50% off all published resort rates •No Surprises – view photos of your selected vacation home •Resort homes are finely appointed and impeccably maintained •Free nights for frequent guests •Weekend, weekly, monthly and seasonal rentals available
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Mike Mulhern lives in Stowe and writes a monthly commentary for the Stowe Reporter, which publishes this magazine.
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