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The Tribune Stouffer-Mayer

Volume 3

Stouffer Outdoors New Student Orientation got off to a great start with Stouffer Outdoors! Freshman got to experience the wrath of Phil with a bucket of water for the first time. Residents enjoyed the nice weather while ‘white water’ rafting. Disaster struck when it started raining near the end of the 8 mile trek down the river. By the time Stoufferites got to the campground and tried to start making dinner it was pouring. Our GAs and managers were troopers and wouldn’t let a little rain ruin the fun. Special Events Manager Isaiah Harris and 6th Floor GA Kendrick Davis heroically started the fire and began roasting vegetables, reheating meat for the kebabs, and cooking up patties. Unfortunately because of the rain, the kebabs had to be deconstructed for consumption but were nonetheless delicious. GA Demetri Morgan stood precariously on a bench outside of the cabin nearest the fire) serving Stoufferites their food as they made their way into Cabin 1 all night. Members of Cabin 1 offered their abode for the night so residents could have a shelter from the rain where good food and good company could be shared. Later that night the rain calmed to a mere sprinkling and the fire was rekindled so that s'mores could be made underneath the few stars that were able to peek out from behind the clouds. Even with the rain, Stoufferites said they really enjoyed themselves and had lots of fun!

The view from outside one of the cabins residents spent the night in.

In This Issue Page 2 Editorial Page 3 Call for OpEds and Submissions House Dean Coming Events Page 4 Phil’s Piece Page 6 Meet The GAs Page 8 *Stouffer Strikers take Second House Office *Note that starred articles are submissions by residents and do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of Stouffer College House. 1

Letter From the Editor Hello Stupendous Stoufferites! My name is Joselyn Calderon and I am the 2015-2016 Communications Manager for Stouffer College House. I am a sophomore studying Electrical Engineering and started living in Stouffer last year. I stayed here because I really feel like ‘nothing comes closer to home’. Except for you know, literally every city between here and Southern California (geographically speaking). That’s right, I’m from the land of kale and insane heat! My parents on the other hand are from Mexico, a small city in Guanjuato named Pueblo Nuevo which when translated means new town. It’s not new. It’s old and homey and nice and everything is made with adobe (and my grandma has a literal hole in her ceiling [not even a hole that’s supposed to be there] and can keep tons of plants inside her house even if they need full sunlight [#goals])* and I haven’t been there in almost a decade. My parents moved to California and after having my brother we moved from Fullerton to a small city named Perris (not the one in France). I usually have to explain where it is in relation to larger cities since no one has ever heard of it before. When I came to Philadelphia (my family decided a road trip was the best way [it was the longest week of my life]) I went from a town that had a 71.7% Hispanic/Latinos population to a university where we only comprise 10% of the population. It was so weird adjusting to everything my first year (from not being able to just use the Spanish version of a word in English [’You know, a liga, the thingies you use to make a ponytail?’ ‘You mean… a hairtye?’], to finding taco kits in the ‘Hispanic’ food section of Fresh Grocer and thinking it was hilarious) but eventually I settled into my new home here with a lot of help from different Stoufferites (a bunch of which have graduated now). Should you ever want to talk about the difficulties in adjusting to your new school or want to know how I did it, please let me know, I’m here for you guys! Along with that, should you ever want to write an article or submit an art piece for publication shoot me an email or visit me in room 405 over in Mayer and let me know! Have a wonderful year here at Stouffer! Joselyn M. Calderon University of Pennsylvania ‘18 Stouffer Communications Manager *I know I use a lot of parentheses, apart from footnotes they are my favorite thing in the world.


Do You Want to Write an OpEd? It doesn’t have to be an OpEd! You can write a response to any of the articles in the Tribune, an opinion piece on something that’s been irking you for a while, or anything else your heart desires! We are also going to be having monthly Questions that you can submit a response for. Stouffer has always been about the residents. Stouffer is our home and the Tribune is just a published version of what’s been going on in our home. We want to invite you to join in on the fun and add to it by submitting YOUR own art (Anonymously or Otherwise) including: Paintings, Drawings, Sketches, Pictures of yourself, your sculptures, your really cute pots and pans, recipes of food you made or pictures of it, Stouffer fanfiction or fanart, poems, short stories, ANYTHING! Send your submission to or visit Mayer 405.

One Does Not Simply Walk to the House Office..

The House Office, a source of DVDs, Board Games, Condoms, Advil, Pixie Stix, and on Monday through Friday from 9-5, our House Cooridinator Colleen. It has come to the attention of some of the house staff that oftentimes Stoufferites are confused as to where exactly this magical office is situated. Today in the Tribune, we let you know. The House office is located within the Stouffer Seminar Room. Note, this is NOT the same place as the Mayer Seminar Room where Steering meetings are held. That’s right Mayer residents, you need to trek over to Stouffer-Stouff to visit the House Office. (Look both ways before you cross the street please.) The Seminar room is located within D-Section. Once you enter D-section from the outer door, you will make a right and see the seminar room. Walk into it and turn left. You’ve arrived at the House Office!

room. Walk in and turn left, there you’ll either see Colleen, one of the managers, or house staff members. The house office is home to all sorts of important things and the easiest way to find Colleen throughout the week. Feel free to visit and hang out whenever! Office Hours will be posted soon.

For Stoufferites already inside StoufferStouff, make your way towards d-section. Right before you get to C-section you will find the seminar

Welcome Wagon Manager John George begins his shift at the house office.

UPCOMING EVENTS!!! October 17: Fall fair, Come out and enjoy Stouffer's annual Fall Fair! We will have a pumpkin painting contest, a baking contest, eating donuts off a rope, bobbing for apples, as well as delicious food! There will be a barbeque (of course with vegetarian and vegan options) and a delcious make your own carmel apple station. Ricky Pezzulo eats a donut from a string


Welcome and Welcome Back


and w el com e b ack to Stouffer College House. It is awesome to have you here and to have you back. While you are off doing whatever it is that Article by: Phil Nichols you do over the summer, Stouffer Faculty Master we are mostly here. And trust me, these buildings are much better with you in them. Because when you are not the buildings are sort of haunted. They may or may not be haunted in the classic sense. It is interesting to see that different rooms will be lit up and different doors will be open each night. I attribute that to the scores of cleaning and facilities people working on the rooms in the building each day. But I have sat on the patio at night and watched lights in rooms come on or turn off, and seen doors suddenly close. I attribute that to the forty-year old electrical wiring system and the drafts in the building. And I have walked down hallways in Mayer during the summer when the building is empty and heard the strangest sounds. I figure the building is just settling or something. Those kinds of hauntings I can deal with. It is much more difficult to deal with another way our buildings are haunted. When you guys are gone, it seems like every brick, every stain, every door holds a memory. I sit out on the patio and am reminded of barbeques, and basketball shots, and about a million other things. I walk into lounges and hear

conversations, and laughter, and about a million other things. I walk down the long hallways of Mayer and can almost see people sticking their heads out and asking what is up. Our buildings are not real fancy. They are better than most apartment buildings in a big city, but they are not real fancy. But so much goes on in these buildings, there are so many amazing interactions, so much is shared, that these clearly are the best places to live. I have lived in my own apartment and in my own house, I have lived in places that were pretty beat up and have gotten to live in some pretty nice places, but nowhere has ever compared to living in Stouffer. Stouffer is amazing because of the people who live in it. Stouffer is amazing because of you. I am glad that you get the chance to live in Stouffer. I hope that you too enjoy sharing in the lives of these buildings. Your conversations and your laughter will become part of the fabric of our college house. And come to cookies. They are delicious.


New Cats?!? Stouffer is getting a new dean! And moving in with him, two cats! That’s right, Stouffer College house has finally been able to disclose to it’s residents that we have a new dean coming our way very soon! From a recent email sent to the house by Faculty Master, Phil Nichols we found out that Dean Nadir (pronounced like ‘father’ but with an ’n’) comes to us from Bucknell University. His partner, Malika, will be moving in from New Jersey to join him soon. His two cats are named Motu and Chotu. And although he’s already moved in, he isn’t going to be available for residents to meet until Friday the 25th when we will be having a house wide brunch. As Dean Nadir gets ready to become our official Dean, are we a headless chicken running amok? Of course not! While Dean Nadir has been awaiting appointment to our house, we have had Ryan Keytack as our Interim House Dean. Ryan has balanced a full time job as the Director of Four Year Houses in the Office of College Houses and Academic Services and the position as Interim House Dean wonderfully and has made the beginning of the new school year a delight for new

residents and returning Stoufferites. Originally from Pittsburgh, he lived in Cleveland, Ohio for many years. A theatre practitioner he spent a lot of time acting professionally before going to graduate school for theatre and performance studies. His research involved lots of using theatre in educational and cultural settings. He has experience working as a House Dean along with experience working with many other academic and cocurricular initiatives like NSO, social justice and diversity programs, recovery (drugs & alcohol) concerns, and sexual health awareness. With Daily Walk-Ins in the House Office on Monday through Friday from 3 to 4, Ryan has integrated himself into our house and made himself accessible for every resident during his stay here. STOUFFERCOLLEGEHOUSE We are very glad to have had him as our Interim House Dean and while we hate to see him go we are excited to welcome a new member. Ryan, you are always welcomed at Stouffer and Stouffer events, once a Wyvern, always a Wyvern.


Meet Your GAs! Back in January of 2014, The Onion wrote an article about a cinnamon roll that was too good for this world, too pure. Since then the internet decided that it was a great way of describing their favorite characters from different shows. It was then decided that a term was needed to describe those unassuming people who seem like cinnamon rolls but are not: the Sinnamon rolls. Thus began the Sinnamon Roll vs. Cinnamon Roll debate. In this article we decide whether each GA is a Cinnamon Roll or a Sinnamon Roll.

Naomi Fitter, s(c)innamon roll: Naomi generally seems unassuming and sweet outwardly but that’s just to hide a sinful interior. Naomi is a rap legend in our house and hides her treaty with the squirrel army by planning annual “Squirrel Watching” outings where she convinces the squirrels not to attack Stoufferites and instead focus on attacking our intramural competition during games. No one on her floor has ever admitted to using the elevator in fear of her wrath. Returning Stoufferites know however than Naomi is a cinnamon roll and perhaps the sweetest one in the batch!

Teni Ugbah, cinnamon roll with extra icing/cinnamon: Originally from the Bay Area, Teni herself is bae. Her outfits are always on point no matter what the occasion. She has a generally laid back aura around her that doubles as a very calming presence. Her interest include cooking African interests, and praising rapper Ja Rule as ‘the greatest national treasure’. Truly the coolest of the GAs, we’ve created a category of cinnamon rolls just because she really is that cool: cinnamon roll with extra cinnamon and extra icing.

Jemi Jacob, cinnamon roll: Jemi is a dental student who loves to smile and see others smile always trying to figure out ways to make it a little more perfect. She is constantly planning outings for Stouffer residents so they can find out what the city offers. This year already she has made all the food for the Onam event all on her own and humbly accepted praise but also made sure to credit the GA staff for their assistance. She’s always on the look out for her fellow GAs’ wellbeing and wants to make sure her residents feel welcome and at home. Truly a cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pure.

Cassie Lo, The Sinnamon Roll: The original Sinnamon Roll: Cassie is also generally unassuming and has a sweet demeanor to all but those who know her more intimately. She arbitrarily bans people from her floor for no reason other than betrayal, organizes midnight tagging events where she contracts artists to draw Finding Nemo characters on her residents’ whiteboards, and is ALWAYS up to date on all the gossip that is to be known in Stouffer-Mayer. She is not afraid to call you out when you need her to get you back on track and the other GAs look to her for guidance because she has become a sort of maternal figure in Stouffer making her a nice toasty Sinnamon Roll.

Kendrick Davis, SINnamon roll: Kendrick is our College House’s resident SINnamon roll. Whereas Cassie begrudgingly accepts her ‘Mom’ title and is ever-vigilant, Kendrick told his residents that he was ‘Not [their] mother’. He wants his residents to know that while he is there for them, he will not be an intrusive presence in their lives. While most if not all the GAs included more personal details in their house profiles, Kendrick has included none which when writing an introduction to GAs for the house can be very frustrating and is almost enough to give him his title as SINammon roll. The detail that definitely sealed the deal though? The GAs have a shady scale and Kendrick is consistently number 1. 6

Cont’d From Page6

Kylie Cameron, cinnamon roll, too good for this world: One of the first things that Kylie ever did while in Stouffer was bake chocolate chip cookies pre-orientation, winning her a special place in our hearts. She technically held the first cookies of the year this year by gathering two of her residents and having them help her make cookies. Not only that, but she even APOLOGIZED because they were not properly homemade cookies. Kylie, please know, there is no wrong cookie when it comes to Stoufferites. She loves the outdoors and hopes to do other events that will bring out the outdoorsy types for Stouffer-centric events.

Nick Hall, cinnamon roll: When this GA first met residents of Stouffer, he asked them what they expected from their GAs. He didn’t stop after asking one though. For a good week as he was getting to know the rest of the managers, he asked them about what they expected or wanted from GAs and made sure to get to know them as well as possible. Coming to us from Tennessee, he has that sweet southern charm down to a science, Nick Hall is definitely a cinnamon roll. We hope that his academic career as a law student doesn’t make him go stale.

Demetri Morgan, c(s)innamon roll: Recently engaged GA Demetri Morgan often walks the line of cinnamon roll/sinnamon roll. He loves the way residents all unite to defend our possession of the House cup year after year and he is often in charge of the Quizzo events we have within Stouffer. However, while most of the GAs in Stouffer have their rooms on the first floor of their sections, Demetri has sneakily set aside one of the larger rooms on the second floor of D-section for himself making it difficult for us decide if he is a cinnamon roll or sinnamon roll.

Tyler Hallmark, cinnamon roll: A ‘complete geek’, Tyler hails to us from a small farm community in Oklahoma. He loves playing sports such as basketball and is heading up ‘Stouffer Hoops’ this year, a weekly two hour period where residents can go to the patio and play basketball regardless of skill level. He also writes music and has traveled to 38 different countries hoping to reach 40 by the end of this year. He is always up for a Harry Potter Marathon in full Hogwarts attire or even just a casual jam session if you’re up for it. Tyler is definitely a cinnamon roll, too good for this world.

Fatima Zaidi, CINNAMON ROLL TOO GOOD FOR THIS WORLD, TOO PURE: One of the sweetest people you will ever meet here in Stouffer. She is a kind soul who is excited to be able to explore more of Philadelphia, a city that because of her summer courses here, she has already come to love. Already this year she has hosted a meditation night for students to distress after their first week of classes and made sure it wouldn’t interfere with Cookies. Her favorite part of the day is when she can “cuddle up with [her] big mug of ‘chai & rusk’” definitely placing her in the Cinnamon Roll category.

Coming Next Issue: Which Hogwarts House was Faculty Master Phil Nichols sorted into?? 7

SPORTS *Stouffer

Strikers Take Second

Article by: Nicolo Marzaro

I’m kind of pissed.” The Tribune speculates that Fischer bit the bullet and decided it was safer to pay the $100 forfeit bond then risk their dignity. hen the finals. We knew it was going

Last weekend, the College House Cup to get bloody when Hill showed up in

got underway with its first event of the year, matching shirts. That was red flag no.1.

the 7v7 soccer tournament. Stouffer fielded a team so menacing that the Penn Police surrendered to us on the walk down to Penn Park. Despite this moment of confusion, and upon explaining that we were just heading out to play some footy, Stouffer made its way to the field where the first match began after a much-expected delay. The competition was fierce, but Stouffer even fiercer. Within minutes, star Striker Finley “the net slayer” Matthews slipped by the KCECH defense and tore one into the opposite side of the net. So demoralizing was this display of field superiority that the keeper promptly tendered his resignation and transferred to a local vocational school.

Red flag no. 2 was the five goals they scored against us. In Stouffer’s defense, we did score two. More importantly, there was no drug test before the game, so it is completely possible that members of Hill were using performance enhancing drugs to clinch the intramural soccer finals. Hill could not be reached for comment. Regardless, Stouffer made off with its first 15 House Cup Points, and will be coming back with a vengeance in intramural Frisbee and Football, under the captaincy of Trevin “Deep Dish” Gandy and Isaiah “the mad dog” Harris, respectively.

Up by three with five minutes left, Stouffer was preparing to sail straight into the playoffs. However, KCECH became unexpectedly aggressive. But they were no match for ace defender Eloy “el muro” Rosello and his trusty sidekick Joe “il muro” Mollo. At the final whistle, Stouffer led 3-0. The next morning, the Strikers once again made their way to Penn Park. By then, word had gotten out, and our semifinal opponents were too shook to show up. A spokesperson from Fischer stated, “Yeah, I have no idea where all our other guys are.


September Tribune  

From Stouffer Outdoors to our New Dean, find out what's been happening in Stouffer since Move-In!