SERIAL KILLER HORrOrSCOPE
Pisces
W
ell Pisces, it seems that you have survived the darkness of winter, the hell of holiday and family. With each deep breath of fresh spring air you feel the pressure easing. You should, spring is a good time for most creatures. We migrate and mate, we sing and dance as the snow melts into waterfalls and flowers bloom. As a Pisces you’re inclined to sing and dance, but don’t expect Lady Luck to take a seat at your table while you sing karaoke at the local dive. Other fish like Johnny Cash, Kurt Cobain and Nat ‘King” Cole never had it that easy, so end your ridiculous fantasy now before it turns your blue sky grey. Besides, my disturbed Pisces, there are greater problems facing you this month. Yes, you are a bit disturbed, and have been for some time. We both know that. I can sense the chaos of your soul miles away from you now as I sit behind my desk. Sure, you do a fine job of disguising it at work and play. At least you think that you do. Well friend, people whisper about your pot and alcohol use behind closed doors. They worry about you, and that they should. I feel your argument, that it’s just pot and it’s almost legal. No big deal. And your obsession with the cult is harmless, too, as is the pentagrams that you doodle and the satanic metal you blast late at night. No big deal. Or is it? I don’t know if your god hears your prayers or not, those wishes of warmer thoughts with these sunny days, but I do. Unlike many that know you, I know your baggage. We all carry a suitcase of some size, but yours is a bit heavier than most. I won’t say it here, but I know you’ve experienced some far out shit in your teens. Of course we both know that those memories are just the tip of this painful root that haunts you night and day. You still harbor ill feelings for your mother’s abusive behavior, and for good reasons. I know that when you doodle your “harmless” pentagrams late at night while singing “Night Prowler” by AC/ DC that you fantasize of carving this symbol onto her body, after having beaten and raped her. Like I said, you’re fucked up. As you sing, “Was that a noise outside your window? What’s that shadow on the blind? As you lie there naked like a body in a tomb, suspended animation as I slip into your room...” evil thoughts enter your mind. Thoughts of climbing in windows and acting out your fantasies on innocent strangers. You need help Pisces, a team of psychiatrists for that matter working around the clock to flatten the wrinkles in your warped mind. Heed my advice before you find yourself standing over some elderly woman, gun in hand, cigarette in mouth. They’ll be no turning back when that stoned, drunk night becomes a reality. They’ll be no “sorry”, no passing go again, no $200. Not one juror will care about the abuse and the violence of your youth, only the drugs and booze and the satanic music and cult infatuation that stained your crime scene. And the “I heard voices” defense will get you nothing but laughs. So will telling the court your thoughts: “You do not understand me. I do not expect you to. You are not capable of it. I am beyond your experience. I am beyond good and evil. Legions of the night, night breed, repeat not the errors of night prowler and show no mercy. I will be avenged. Lucifer dwells within us all.” Those may not be your thoughts word for word, but they did come from another famous Pisces, Ricardo Muñoz Ramírez, AKA: The Night Stalker. On each of the forty-three counts against him the jury found him guilty, landing him with nineteen “special circumstances” that gave him nineteen death sentences. So my dear Pisces, take a vacation to Mexico. Go bask in the sun, drink margaritas all day, smoke pot all night, and for god’s sake, get fucking laid! Let those bad memories die. If not, you may find your sunny days are hindered by concrete and steel bars. And that’s not a healthy place for a fish.
Disclaimer: For all you crazy, weirdos out there, this horrorscope is for entertainment purposes only. It does not in any shape or form depict any real characters or situations in your near future. So please don’t kill anyone. Killings bad, MmmKay?
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