ST KILDA NEWS 8th edition October 2011
The Local Newspaper For A Global Village
Something Wicked This Way Comes
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St Kilda 203 Fitzroy St Call 9534 8088 8th edition October 2011
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Pet Blessing Celebrate the feast day of St Francis of Assisi, patron saint of animals on Sunday, 9 October 2011 with an individual blessing for your pet at St James the Great, 435 Inkerman Street, East St Kilda. John-Michael Howson OAM, Patron of this community festival, will speak at a brief service, commencing at 2 00 pm. Also attending the service will be celebrity and invited guests as well as community leaders. There’s a street procession to the churchyard gardens where every pet receives a St Francis medal at the blessing ceremony. Attractions include a mobile animal farm for the children, sausage sizzle and refreshments. Free entry but donation appreciated. For more information visit www. stjamescommunity.org.au. Contact Lorraine Hawkes on 9527 8083 or l_hawkes@bigpond. net.au.
Hire a magician For your next event: Party, Birthday, Festival, ect... Truellusionist@Gmail.com
St.Kilda West Residents’ Association
Will hold their AGM at The St.Kilda West Pavilion on Tuesday 25th October 2011 at 8.30pm. Guest speaker and refreshments provided
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I’m looking for a share-house! Looking for a share-house, with my own room, I’m pretty tiday, easy on the eyes and pretty laid back and fun. Feel free to Contact me if you care to have a fun loving house-mate Oliver / 0403909903
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THIS EDITION Melissa Sweeney Alushka Ragarum Barry Bokorkal Ro Green Fashion Massacre Doggie Dee Ben Longley Ranger Zippy Bruce Hale Gator Emily Counsins
the section Letters to the Editor October Let’s be honest and straight to the point. Acland street has lost its individuality and spark! Rents are on the increase as Landlords assume all business are performing and profitable, which is not always the case. I know some rents on Acland street have risen by 33 % in the last year and traders cannot absorb this considering Carlisle street is a much cheaper option. Acland street is gentrified, making way for large name brands to move in and use the street as pure advertising even if they don’t make money. Carlisle street is definitely the new Acland street. It is very sad to see Acland street lose is charisma and charm it displayed years ago. I know of one landlord who increased rent ‘just because he could’ ( and he does NOT need the money ) There will be more shops closing before xmas as traders struggle during the week and rely upon weekend trade to get them ‘over the line’. We need to stand together and bring back Acland street to its ‘Hay Day’ LP, St Kilda Send your letters to Letters to the Editor, St Kilda News, PO Box 1427 St Kilda, VIC, 3182 or email@example.com Letters must be short and written with the understanding that St Kilda News has the right to edit, reproduce and communicate these letters to third parties.
Last month we did not get to tell you about the Chris Lilley performance. Sorry S.mouse! May I say, it was an unusual experience for me. Firstly, I don’t often attend live bands at the Prince. There is something about walking past the downstairs outside area of the bottom bar that makes me intimidated after nine o clock at night. However, braving the unruly crowd, I went along and was introduced to a whole new following! These people were chanting and cheering at the DJ to bring out the star
of the show. If you do not know who Chris Lilley is, then you are not watching enough ABC or even Logie award nights. There are certain phrases that are now part of the teenage vernacular, such as “Oh Miss” pronounced “Aw Mess” as the young character ‘Jonah’ From ‘Summer Heights High’ would say in each episode. From his latest series, Angry Boys, we are introduced to the rapper, who sang his hits such as ‘Elbow Skin’. I giggled to myself as the four hundred people in the upstairs section of the prince cheered on S Mouse during the performance. The show was the result of a taping for American television where the series has been a hit. Yay for our local Aussie comedian! S Mouse did not appear until after nine fifteen, but the black jeaned, tattooed, grungy/punk crowd were drinking and smoking at full pelt whist they patiently waited for the show to begin. Suffice to say I believe our local taxis had a field day that evening as I didn’t recognise a soul, and I had even gone to the trouble of donning a leather jacket and tight black jeans myself!!!! Chris, you did us proud that night. Good luck with continuing success abroad.
Triangle Wars Theatrical Release After having its sold-out World Premiere at the recent Melbourne International Film Festival, Rosie Jones’ controversial documentary The Triangle Wars will be released theatrically from October 6. Filmed over more than three years, The Triangle Wars is a riveting exposition of extensive social issues and contemporary Australian politics as seen through the prism of three men driven by ego, passion and their desire to make a difference. In May 2007 the local council unveiled plans for a
$300 million dollar development on the Triangle that would include 180 shops, a hotel, a supermarket, eight cinemas, a gallery and bars for 5000 patrons. Local residents were outraged, and with developers preparing to push the project through council, the community galvanised to stop it going ahead. In this compelling story of democracy in action. In selected cinemas including Cinema Nova Carlton, Peninsula Cinema Rosebud, Peninsula Cinema Sorrento, The Classic Elsternwick and
The Cameo Belgrave. St Kilda News has ten double passes to Triangle Wars to give away to our readers. Simply email us at editor@ stkildanews.com to get hold of them! First in, best dressed, and only one double pass per punter.
Glow In Black Cell By Maltab B
To my surprise it is not as common to see graffiti as it used to be. What I am saying is g that in the last twenty years it was a common th thing to see graffiti on trams, trains, railway th sstations, underground tunnels and so on. Perhaps new rules and enforcement are having an impact on graffiti? It is quite nice to h get on to a train with clean seats and be able g to look through a window. However, I don’t think you can completely deter graffiti artists. th I believe they are taking their art somewhere else. In some rundown streets of inner e ssuburban St Kilda, Fitzroy, South Melbourne, North Melbourne and so on, there are still N walls and dark corners full of graffiti. There is w a likely association between graffiti and the underclass that populate streets such as those u near public housing areas and so on. n I stopped once to read one of those graffiti walls. This was quite sometime ago while I w was still driving cabs. I am not exactly sure w where this black corner was, but, and I quote it w read ‘’Carl Kills Glow’’. re Interestingly there are lots of other unbelievable readings on these walls. You can u only imagine the ghosts who left their mark on o these walls. Now, if you think that graffiti artists th ccan only do their stuff while there’s no one around, you would be absolutely right. a However dirty and messy some of these images are, they are unique. What I see is the im cclever integration of colours to form specific formations. To make such formations in a fo restricted timeframe there has to be three re people on the lookout for law enforcers while p th the others copy out their stuff. While these guys may have real talent, there must be a better way of showing it, th rather than on these walls. In truth, however, I ra can’t think of one.
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Somethins’ a Brewin’
Photographed by Eric Jong
wanted to find the perfect recipe that would reflect not only their tastes and laidback demeanour, but one which would also capture the St Kilda vibe. The result (drumroll please) is... (the suspense is killing me) an easy drinking lager based on a Belgium blonde recipe which you can happily spend all night drinking with your mates. The lack of preservatives in the all natural brewing process means that if you have partaken in a night Emily Cousins firstname.lastname@example.org of St Kilda brew and tomfoolery, you won’t wake up in the morning feeling Melbourne boys Troy McKinna and like there are a couple of body-builders Jamie Bunn, creators of a new beer wrestling behind your eyeballs. St Kilda Brew have lived in St Kilda for Unlike big brewers they decided over a decade working as business the best research was a hands-on consultants and in marketing. Over the approach, and took to the streets last few years their careers have taken with an esky full of their beer to a decidedly different turn as they have try it out on the people of St Kilda developed their company “Some St (whose opinion really mattered). The Kilda Guys” in order to launch their St overwhelmingly positive response Kilda Brew. was all they needed to know that they Now the idea of brewing your own had created the perfect St Kilda brew. beer is not a new one. I’m sure there So they swapped their esky delivery are many blokes out there who have method to piling Troy’s station-wagon thought ‘wouldn’t it be great to have high with cases of brew to take to my own beer?’; the difference here is venues around St Kilda. When the car that through hard work and help from started to creak under the weight of enthusiastic contributors (all paid in all that beer that they knew it was time beer), St Kilda Brew is very much more to upgrade again... to a 1973 Bedford than just a “home brew in the bath tub” van replete with purple velvet interior operation. After only 18 short months, and a skull topped gear stick, lovingly St Kilda Brew has sky-rocketed into named “the brew bus”. Now that is an the market; stocked in over 70 venues upgrade. in the St Kilda area, and another new But it was not all smooth sailing product called ‘Ciderman’ is currently for the infant company. Many of the on the drawing board (think Duffman big corporate brewers have a strong but with green spandex, thongs, and a hold over the venues on the St Kilda far superior taste). foreshore. This meant that the lads The boys came up with the idea have had to use unique, guerilla style of making their own beer after having techniques to get their beer out there. a few drinks on Grand Final day. And as the very “uncorporate” Troy What followed was a year of drinking says, they feel more comfortable beer in the name of research. They working that way anyway. When told
by the council to take down their posters during the St Kilda festival, they turned to the locals who were more than happy to display the posters in exchange for a slab of the brew. They have also run Bocci competitions at the local bowls club, and have organised a “banger fest” two years in a row which involves venues around the area putting a dish of fancy snags on their menu and pairing it with a bottle of St Kilda brew. Innovative ideas like this really set Troy and Jamie apart from the big breweries who seem to focus more on big marketing budgets than the taste of the beer and the story behind their beverages. As the Australian beer industry is being overtaken by imported beers as well as euro-style beers brewed under license within Australia, it is refreshing to find a brew made from Australian and New Zealand sourced ingredients, specifically designed with Aussie drinkers in mind. The fact that Troy and Jamie don’t plan on selling the brew outside of St Kilda makes this a real beer for the locals. So keep your eyes peeled for bottles of St Kilda Brew and soon Ciderman hitting venues in the area. Be sure to give St Kilda Brew a try; after all it is a brew that was made just for you.
Ro Green Ro@stkildanews.com Designed by British Special Forces, the Tough Mudder course is not for slackers or wimps; think Iron Man crossed with Survivor. With obstacles ranging from scaling a 12ft wall to running through electrocuted wires, the course tests strength, stamina, focus and camaraderie. Tough Mudder is not about finish times or beating someone else- it a personal challenge. Tough Mudder Melbourne runs 31 March and 1 April 2012, and is said to contain some of their most ‘bad-ass’ obstacles. Wow, I can’t wait! If you want to face your fears and gain the badge of honour in completing this mother of an event, why not enter? I have. Organizers warn that the course is long and tough, and should only be attempted by people in reasonably strong physical condition. For this reason, I have included a little idea for training to get your body into peak condition. Even if you don’t join me at
Tough Mudder, you’ll sport a sexy physique to rival none. First, work on your cardio. I am cycling twice a week and running three times a week. I also highly recommend swimming or free-running, as this involves strength, focus and functional movement. If you cannot bear to leave the gym, try endurance running: 2 mins run as fast as you can, and then jog for 1 minute, alternating for 35 mins. Next, focus on upper body and core strength. I am rock climbing twice a week and do acrobatic pole once a week. You can try these, and also incorporate push-ups, pull-ups, and tricep dips to get those arms working. To activate your core do sit-ups, plank, and body rolls. Finally, get your lower body working more effectively. Squats and side lunges are great, but try walking on your tip toes, or doing squats on your toes – this works into your calves and butt, so whether you’re male or female, you’ll have one hot arse! These are just a few ideas to get you started. We have six months until Tough Mudder, so there’s still time to shape up. Don’t forget to get plenty of rest, eat well and above all, have fun! Check www.toughmudder. com.au for more information on how to participate.
Photographed by Eric Jong
Troy McKinna and Jamie Bunn
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8th edition October 2011
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Dating Kinks with Miz Phoenix firstname.lastname@example.org
think you should lower standards, even if it is to get laid. Especially in the bedroom, you want some eye-candy. Remember, all dates will eventually lead to the bedroom/ kitchen table/ dark alley, so make sure to go for looks! Now, intelligence is a little more intense. For this category, my potential date must be well-read and well-versed in the classics, know pop culture, understand geek terms, and have streetsmarts. It seems here most people fall down. Again, I make sure I give them a rating. As someone brilliant once said to me, whether they’re a champion Monopoly player will do little good in the bedroom – so true! Finally, the fuck-factor; this is not the x-factor (however important), but really is all about sex. Unless you’re doing the no-sex-beforemarriage gig, this point really should be in your top three to determine a suitable partner. Talking dirty on the first date? Yes please! Perhaps keep the hair pulling out of it right now, but do talk about what you like, what you expect, and what you want. I think too often we shy away from sexual desires and fantasies and then feel disappointed when they take their pants
Sex & St Kilda By Gator email@example.com I was watching an old episode of Sex and the City last night and realised that the older that show gets, the worse it is, (or maybe it was always that bad and finally my tastes have matured? – Wishful thinking though, considering some of the people I’ve slept with! ) I thought about the main characters of the show, trying to relate to their ‘Upper East Side’ privileged lifestyles - of minimum work, maximum income, all expectant American attitude with a slight tinge of middle aged bitterness. Who are these women? I mean really? Fuck off. So I thought, lets transport the idea and characters of the show into something I can relate to; and where else to head towards than the vivacious, enigmatic, promiscuity that is Saint Kilda (Saint being slightly ironic as it so happens). Firstly of course we have Carrie, a little neurotic, sweet hearted, looking for love, creative. I mean her thoughts are the show, although not really the kind of character I would choose in my own circle of friends, but harmless enough. Where would we find this girl in St Kilda….. hmmmmm, definitely not the Espy, although I can imagine her going there for a ‘wild’ night out but not actually ‘touching’ anything…. Ahhhh, I’ve got it. The Sea Baths… perfect for her….. Healthy, fit, clean, friendly, straight, non-confrontational…. Yes, perfect. Yoga classes, swimming lessons, coffee by the bay and even a little dancing in
the main square over Summer for her to showcase her wardrobe… Yes, very Carrie. Next we come to Miranda. Now I don’t mind her actually, although I think it’s probably just Steve that I really like, but she is a little more down to earth, and you can actually see how she earns her money… ie: she has a job! She is also a little stiff, but I like her honesty and straight forwardness…. She could definitely find a St Kilda home, and if she left Carrie at home, probably have a fucking great time. Now where to put her??? The Galleon is still too much for her, not neat enough. Rococos? Maybe? The George (upstairs of course)… Oh, I got it, maybe Veludos, more of the suit and tie crowd, but without the attitude… Yeah that’ll do. Then we have Charlotte. You either love her or you hate her. The eternal optimist. The romantic. Undeniably gorgeous (which can be both admirable and repulsive at the same time) and from what research I’ve done about the show with the male gender, the first one any of the boys would shag (this either says they also agree with her unofficial ‘hot’ status, or that the male psyche is still after the softly spoken princess character, which can get fucked if you ask me. BORING. Sorry, sidetracked, moving on. In all honesty, Charlotte would probably be found in Readings, telling stories to little kids, she could do the Galleon, she’d think it
was quaint. She could probably shop at Hunter Gatherer for some ‘vintage’ pieces, but of course after a big day of making the world a better place, would wander home, or more likely, her driver would pick her up to take her to her penthouse at the top of Fitzroy street to sip chamomile tea and watch the sunset. Ahh, bliss. I’ve left the best to last. Well, she is in my book anyway… The Seductive Samantha. What can you say really? She’s straight to the point, fun, hot and loves sex (and has no hesitation in telling you about it). Open minded, creative, smart, very Yang, that is to say, very in touch with her masculine strength, but without losing her femininity… Yes we like her. And where do we put this tasty temptress (or more so where would she put herself) Well, I can think none other than that delightful little watering hole we call the VINEYARD…. Yes yes yes. I have no doubt she would position herself nicely at the bar, embrace the characters and the cocktails, dance to her heart’s content, be it on the bar or with an admiring group of locals, and probably show us all how its done. That place really brings out your inner Samantha, and needless to say, it’s sometimes very necessary (although maybe not as often as I have…. Hahahahaha) So there you have it. You don’t need to sit at home and watch repeats of a fairly average TV show. Put your favorite kit on, pick a character to either play, or to meet, and make your own Sex and the City……
I think a lot of dating advice is too skewed, and mostly straight and narrow. This is a no holes barred, St Kilda style dating column, hopefully bringing you into the darker and kinkier sides of nightlife and dating therein. See, my darlings, I bat for both teams and enjoy every bit of it. I date both men and women, though admittedly I find women less committed. And beyond the genders, we find sex, and lots of it. Yeh, so really I’m a bit of a slut and quite proud of it. In my time, I’ve had over 500 lovers in all shapes and sizes and nationalities; really the human form is quite lovely, but what I find irritating is dating. See, I have needs! I know, we all have “needs”, but this is central to me having a successful love life. I highly recommend you making a top three list of needs. This is the best way to eliminate the losers and find the cream of the crop when dating. My needs are quite simple: beauty, intelligence, and fuckfactor. The beauty is the easy bit – I’m shallow. I know this... So the question is: how hot are they? I only date/ fuck people who score at least an 8/10. Really, I don’t
off. Woah. Are you a size queen? Better mention that early. Do you want to be worshipped? Another good point. So my prerequisites are all about kink. Yes, when someone asks me “chocolate or vanilla”, I’ll always choose chocolate. This isn’t just a love of that divine sugary bar, but rather that vanilla means something completely different to me. Vanilla is fine – doesn’t everyone love missionary position? But I play heavily in the fetish scene, and I think some free lovin’ is good fun. Being compatible sexually is integral to a happy long relationship. My last long term relationship was vanilla all the way – no spanking, no costumes, no roleplay... oh God, why did I stay in it? Ahh yes, you’d think bi-sexual tendencies turn people on... but it seems many enjoy the “idea” of it, but in practice they become freaked out prudes. Ouch! Still, this vanilla boy was good for a time – we were even engaged! Shame he had no job, no identity and no follow through *sigh* Anyway, the bonus is, his best friend is now my best friend. The moral of this story, you ask? Well, if you can’t get your kinky way, make sure to procure some more worthy items during break-up: like stealing the best friend, securing a fuck-buddy or permanently “borrowing” their favourite PS3 games...
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The St Kilda Beach
Ghost By Daniel Wilson
Kids have long complained that their sandcastles on St Kilda Beach are knocked over by a mysterious force. Rumour has it ghosts roam the beach intent on reeking havoc and knocking over sand sculptures. It was with great trepidation that I accepted the mission before me. This was a dangerous yet critical assignment. At the risk of being face to face with disembodied souls, this St Kilda News reporter ventured out to investigate, beach bag and demon catching dust-buster in hand. At the shore I went to work with my toy shovel and bucket. As any fastidious sandcastle builder will tell you, the crucial
My Girlfriend is a
1) 2) 3) 4)
Werewolf Once a month, my girlfriend changes.... I used to think it was a normal female process associated with menstruation, but since doing more research, I believe I’ve discovered a scary secret: all women are werewolves! Being female, this means I’m a werewolf too – I’m cool with that. This is somewhat of a FYI column, so you can be prepared. See, the traits of my girlfriend’s response to her period are eerily similar to those of a werewolf:
5) 6) 7) 8) 9)
variable to be aware of is the sand-moistureratio. If it is too low your sandcastle will crumble immediately; too high and it will stick to the bucket. After spending a few hours getting my technique right I was finally on my way to building an acceptable sandy fortress. First the moat, then four towers connected by fortified walls. A bit of bark will do as the moat bridge, and a few seashells pressed into the walls for decoration. As my masterpiece was nearing completion I started to feel a mysterious force. Strangely familiar yet eerily uncomfortable, I could feel it on my skin. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up in fright. A ghostly flash blinded me momentarily. Was it a demon about to attack, or just the sun reflected in the bay? My experience as a reporter told me it was the former. I grabbed my dust-buster and held it up to catch the roaming spectre. I waved it above my head as I shouted at the ghost. Bystanders started to collect around me to observe the shocking scene. Had my dustbuster been switched on I am sure it would have captured the haunting spirit. Once a month they change physically, mentally and emotionally Communicates in growls, grunts and hisses Desire to be left alone Wants to be with its “own kind” Aggressive nature Acting on impulsive desires Need to eat red meat Heightened sense of smell and hearing Transforms from human to animal
Let’s break these down. Once a month all women bleed, and in the process our bodies change shape and we start to think differently. There are certainly more non-syllabic sounds, possibly reflecting the pain of the bleed.
We certainly have a desire to be left alone by men, and tend to band together. I’ve noticed when many women live together, our menstrual cycles align and we all bleed at full moon. The moon pulls us, which I’ve attributed to the fact more than 90% of our body is water. I too, have experienced many aggressive streaks, and with low iron, my desire for red meat is compounded. As with pregnancy, around menstruation, a woman’s sense of smell is sharpened and hearing attuned. We are hypersensitive, and act accordingly. This appears to result in a shift from humanness to animalistic tendencies. What is perhaps more disturbing are the remedies to cure the werewolf within; these also correlate perfectly with the ‘monthly’. In ancient times, it was believed vigorous exercise would remove the curse. In my
experience, intense cycling certainly helps to reduce the symptoms associated with menstruation. The endorphins are released, and ‘Hey Presto’, you’ll have your happy girlfriend back. A potion of aconitum napellus (commonly known as wolfsbane) may help calm their aggressive leanings; it is a sedative and works on the nervous system. Unfortunately wolfsbane is highly toxic, so unless you are a qualified herbalist, you could potentially kill them. Perhaps stick with potions of peppermint tea? Apart from this, the only other cure to end the curse is to kill the werewolf. Now, if like me, you actually enjoy your girlfriend’s company, you may like to just offer her a juicy red steak and then find the nearest cupboard and lock yourself in it until the animal in her subsides....
Zombie survival guide Josh Petit firstname.lastname@example.org
stupid decisions that could leave you t St Kilda News, we care about missing a few crucial organs health and safety, and above all, the wellbeing of our staff. After recent 2. CREATE DISTANCE. Zombies are bitey. training in how to manage a zombie outbreak, I think some of the useful survival 3. EXAMINE THE ZOMBIE. Is it heavily tips might also benefit you, our dear read`ers. rotten or fresh? If heavily rotten, then So please do read on (it may save your grab the nearest blunt object and have life). Let’s learn how our lovely town of St a ball! This corpse should cave-in easily Kilda can turn from beautiful sunsets on the with little force. If fresh then unfortunately beach into a well defended zombie fortress for you, this corpse won’t go down easy. overnight! What you want to do is break its legs or First! The basics of a zombie: Zombies, arms (if possible both!) to slow it down. or the Undead, are basically the reanimated 4. FIGHT OR FLIGHT. If you decide to corpses of everyday humans. They can be attack the zombie, grab something you easily spotted by their single-minded nature, can swing that can do some damage. love of brains, unmoisturised rotting flesh, Do not go straight for the body as groaning and obscure swagger. If you’re still this will most likely result in awkward unsure, look out for a group of unfashionable situations involving long things stuck into idiots aimlessly meandering around beaches bodies. Once your zombie is somewhat and parks. immobilised you want to break the skull; Take a look at the people around you, your main goal here is to destroy the right now they are but harmless members brain, leaving it a moaning, bloody wreck of society living out their everyday lives, but (FACT: Zombies require very very little of tomorrow they could be trying to hunt you their brain to function). Escape is always down for your chewy, delicious brains! (FACT: an option, however do not throw a brick Brains are high in cholesterol). or something into the zombie’s head and Now read very carefully as I explain run away screaming as this will not kill some of the things that should and should the zombie; it’s just cruel. In all, there are not be done when confronted by a zombie: many ways to kill a zombie. This is only Let’s say it’s a nice sunny day, and you’re the most basic and simplest of ways, so if relaxing inside watching some television, you’re feeling creative and confident feel then all of a sudden a zombie bursts through free to have some fun! your living room window. 1. DO NOT PANIC. Panicking leads to
While busy trying to defeat that evil, I neglected to protect my sandy masterpiece. To my dismay, the unholy force had already started to take apart my sandcastle. At first it just took a few specks off the top, but soon rogue sand grains started bombarding the walls and tower. Pieces the size of breadrolls started crumbling off and into the moat. It was a sad sight. My sand structure could have rivalled the Taj Mahal, yet there it was disintegrating before my eyes. The loss of another sandcastle is a tragedy. Sandcastle builders the world over will empathise, the pain is felt by no-one more than the architect. Bitter sorrow filled my heart as I left a piece of myself on the beach that day. The true significance of that moment, however, started to dawn on me. With a quiver in my throat I declared: It’s real! The results of the experiment are unequivocal. It is now beyond a doubt that there is a force at St Kilda Beach that reeks havoc and blows over sand sculptures.
Now St Kilda is a good place to relax and have a coffee, but how will it hold up
in a zombie outbreak? You want to avoid places like Carlisle and Inkerman Streets as they are somewhat confined and busy so you’re more likely to get trapped by a crowd of moaning brain snackers. Now you’re probably thinking ‘but there’s food, and objects to use as weaponry there! I can defend myself’. And you know what… stop being such a pretentious idiot! Think about it; a crowd of zombies versus you and your broom stick, who will win? Is the agonising pain of being torn apart really worth a few bites to eat from the local Woolworths? I thought not. The safest place in St Kilda in the event of a Zombie outbreak is the end of St Kilda pier. Once there burn or break the pier away from the mainland; this will sever basically all zombies from reaching you as most of them lack the ability to swim properly. The pier’s kiosk should also house many weapon worthy items, along with a decent supply of food and water that, if rationed correctly, will last some time. There is no way to tell how long an outbreak will last; whether it be 28 days, 28 weeks, or even longer, but no matter what just stay calm! Just remember what this guide has taught you and you should last… a while, the successful outbreak survivalist also needs to adapt to new situations (imagine how good that would look on your resume) and above all, enjoy yourself. This has been St Kilda News showing you that we care!
Welcome to the inaugural edition of The Luna Howl, the St Kilda News Poetry Corner. For each issue our resident poetess, Word Bird will hand pick a piece to be published in your local newspaper. Calling all local or drifting poets! Please send submissions to email@example.com Lets kick off with a dirty little ditty to whet those poetic appetites…
Awoke within A beach hut in the sky Hair all shaggy Sleep in our eyes Laid down with A man, so strong Contented in bed With no knickers on Morning glory Salty skin Up ten stories A lady, let in At it once more Seduce-her, seduce-he Limbs entwined Cotton clouds above sea Kettle on the boil Sun coming up Sour milk spoiled Tea in a cup Idle talk Perched amongst mess Time to walk Time to get dressed - Word Bird
couldn’t see it was new glasses for me read the blurry sign eye wear had moved across the street and up the line went to buy some flowers for my home florist was gone went to look at clothes kinki girlinki closed went to buy some socks where was quick brown fox went to read magazines put tattslotto on where had the newsagent gone went to eat a date scone where had bakers delight gone went to buy a shirt for my son where had C’M”s gone acland street thumping to the beat when the sun shines the populace recline drinking coffee on the street its sad to see this thriving street with empty windows and shops for lease is it a sign of a nation in decline or is it greedy landlords grabbing for more dollars than the tenants can afford whatever the cause acland street will survive an iconic street so alive it will not succumb turn into a slum the visitors and locals will always come to walk drink and eat on this colourful street.
Looking for a romantic vampire movie full of sparkles, kisses, and loveable vampiric hunks? Then I suggest you look elsewhere. Vampires are brought back to their roots in Fright Night! A remake of the 1985 classic; this recreation of Fright Night does not put its original to shame. Starring Anton Yelchin (Terminator Salvation, Star Trek) as the heroic protagonist Charley Brewster, Colin Farrell (Horrible Bosses, Miami Vice) as the vampiric next-door neighbour Jerry, Christopher Mintz-Plasse (Kick-Ass, Superbad) as the geeky vampire enthusiast Ed, and David Tennant (Doctor Who, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire) as the self proclaimed vampire hunter and TV star Peter Vincent, Fright Night brings together a fantastic cast to bring to life a wonderfully dark story. Set in a small town just out of Las Vegas, Nevada; Charley Brewster begins to suspect that his new neighbour, Jerry, is a vampire after a string of disappearances in their neighbourhood. When he realises that his suspicions are correct he tries to enlist the help of the self proclaimed vampire hunter Peter Vincent. Charley soon realises that it is up to him to take down Jerry, before Jerry sinks his teeth into him.
Aspects of Love Gabrielle Harkins. Gabs@stkildanews.com
spent Saturday evening watching the second performance of the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical ‘Aspects of Love’ at The National Theatre, produced by CLOC, here in Barkly St. That nagging feeling that ‘this may be a mistake’, and also that the fella may wish he had chosen not to
Fright Night is a horror/thriller with some comedy thrown about that will draw you in and will not let go until the last second. Brining us back to the original vampire lore (stakes to the heart, no sunlight, etc...) it’s a breath of fresh air in a world where the once monstrous vampires have become romanticised and no longer thought of as horrific beings that stalk the night. It houses some beautiful special effects that really add to the atmosphere of the dark world it creates, these can be seen mainly when the vampires are killed and burst into ash and flames. But not only is it pretty to look at, it also delivers a brilliant story of horror with an underlying romantic side which will have you craving more. These wonderful things, along with some great acting are what make this new version of the 1985 film Fright Night fantastic; it starts strong and stays strong until the final drop of blood falls. This recreation does not let the original down. If you are a fan of horrors, thrillers, classic vampire films, or are just out for some good old vampiric action, then Fright Night is definitely worth seeing. Just remember... you can’t run from evil when it lives next door. Rating: 4.5 / 5
Rock of Ages
scratching one’s nether regions. Step two – buy heaps of presents, hopefully ones that will demonstrate you’ve thought about her a bit in choosing them. Step three – plan and then execute a nice dinner somewhere while remaining mostly sober. Step four – and I shudder to admit I’m recommending a musical – take her to see Rock Of Ages. It. Was. Farken. Unreal. I’m no doubt going to receive some stick from my more sensitivity-challenged alpha mates for writing this, but I challenge them – go see it and look me in the eye as you tell me it wasn’t fantastic. I doubt anyone could. For the haters, it helps to think of it less as a musical and more of a comedy involving sex, drugs and big hair, which is filled to bursting with classic 80’s musical gems. And heaps of hot chicks who dress “rool slutty”. Niiiice… For those who don’t have any particular issue with live dramatic performances, you’re going to just love it. The story involves a dude working in a bar on the Sunset Strip in Hollywood, who dreams of making it big as a rock god. Enter naive but smokin-hot chick from the country come to pursue a career as an actress. They all overcome immense
Going to a musical, for me, is generally about as appealing as inserting burning needles into my eyeballs or large, ungainly objects up my bottom (Quiet, peanut gallery!). I don’t gasp in awe of the beautiful costumes or sing fabulous showtunes rapturously to myself. Jazz hands – “No.” Spirit fingers – “No!” “Bad Spirit Fingers!” Recently, however, it was my darling Girlfriend’s birthday. She is an 80’s rock tragic. Loves it. It’s one of the things I love about her. One of my earliest memories of her is walking into a bar to see her on her knees on a table, rockin’ the air guitar and belting out “You give love a bad name” by Bon Jovi. Cool, huh? So – How does one impress one’s Octodecaphillic beloved on her special day? (Not sure of the appropriate nomenclature there, but it sounds good so I’m running with it.) Step one - institute a 24-hour moratorium on inappropriate male behaviour like farting, belching, or idly
say, “of course I’ll come with you”, was hanging around that morning. I was hoping to be pleasantly surprised at least. SHOCKED was more like it. What an earth have we been doing spending $150.00 to see famous artists perform for 45 minutes at the tennis centre, when we could have been paying $35.00 to visit the most beautiful venue right here in St Kilda and watch absolute talent for two and a half hours. Yes, yes, most of the dialogue is
sung, but there were two very good reasons to forgive this. 1. The voices of every character were magnificent, and I mean I had goose bumps on many an occasion, and a tear or two to go with it. 2. The storyline is outrageous and strangely real at the same time. You could literally hear the audience drawing parallels to the events unfolding on the stage with their own lives. Suffice to say I did a lot of ‘remind you of anyone?’ hand squeezing.
The plot plays out over twenty years in post WW1 Europe. And it certainly portrays every single aspect of love. I truly enjoyed living through Rose’s conquests- the Young Man, the Old Man, a Man who Doesn’t Matter, and even a Woman for something different. This character was as seductive as all leading temptresses are in great love stories, and while watching her damage hearts left right and centre, I found myself willing her to succeed in her quest for happiness.
obstacles, and live happily ever after. The plot isn’t exactly unexpected, but it doesn’t really matter. You wouldn’t go to a stand up gig expecting to walk out depressed! The joy I found in it is in the little details and one-liners throughout. “I’m not gay, I’m just German.” Was a particular favourite of mine. The cast is solid, with all members giving good performances. Particular highlights include the narrator Lonny (Brent Hill), the male lead Drew (Justin Burford, from End Of Fashion), and I had a specific soft-spot for Waitress #1 (Samantha Hagen). The music is flat-out awesome. So good in fact, that they specifically give the audience little fake cigarette lighters so they can wave them in the air during the bigger numbers. I did plenty of waving. So lads - if you’re looking for something to get you well-and-truly into your girly’s good graces, do it. It’s not painful to book, it’s not painfully expensive, and it’s the exact opposite of painful for you to sit through - they encourage the audience to get drunk during the intermission! The show runs until early November, so you’ve got about a month at the time this goes to print. For tickets, go to http:// www.ticketmaster.com.au or call 1300 111 011 This is certainly one performance that will have your brains ticking over, particularly if you like a little more than your fair share of drama. The plot was intense but fast paced and there were moments of humour too. Purely entertaining would be a very accurate description if one were to ask me what I thought. Aspects of Love is playing every evening til the 8th of Oct. Tickets are available at the theatre, and I strongly urge you to spend an evening indulging in the finer arts.
St Kilda Making a difference in our community Join us any Tuesday evening from 6:30pm at the Dick Whittington Tavern, 32 Chapel Street, St Kilda. Contact Christina on 9595 9275 or firstname.lastname@example.org
SKN Swinburne Lilydale Hospitality team Headed up by Brett Sinclair and Aaron Young with students Scott
Watts, Jack De Marco and Leanne Southley. These guys made easy work of the SKN wedding in September with many compliments from the guests who were present.â€?
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Get Away to SKN G
Just one hour south of St Kilda lies the beautiful Mornington Peninsula. With Spring in the air it is a great time to visit, smell the flowering Orchards, stroll on the beaches and if you’re lucky you may even witness the Kangaroo Joeys poking out of their mothers pouches. We suggest that you make a night or two of it and have put together some information on our favourite places to eat and stay. You can’t go past the food, wine and service at Two Buoys Tapas and Wine Bar in Dromana. Two Buoys service is fun and professional, similar to the best in St Kilda, in a relaxed and classy beach side venue. If you fancy a cocktail or wine the staff are second to none on the Peninsula. They even have coffee that’s up to St Kilda standards! Owner Josh Ball and Manager Chris Fabri have created an atmosphere and quality that keeps customers coming back for more. Try the sensational squid or the delightfully tender ribs or choose from a range of many other delicious options. If it’s morning they even have an egg and bacon maple flatbread called the hangover cure, which actually works! We urge you to visit Two Buoys for lunch or dinner and know that you won’t be disappointed. Do yourselves a favour, seriously. continued on next page...
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the Getaways section
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During your trip away you will also need somewhere to sleep and you can’t go past Georges Boutique B&B on Arthurs Seat. Peter Schofield is not only a brilliant host, but built the place himself to very high standards. It’s not only top notch accommodation you can get at Georges, Peter also offers many activities including half day chocolate classes, high tea or even private three day retreats! Wind your way up the Arthurs seat road from Dromana and you’re there. Nestled among the trees and with beautiful views of Port Phillip Bay you’ll be glad you did. To top off the perfect getaway we suggest you also visit the now famous Peninsula Hot Springs. Peninsula Hot Springs is a natural hot springs and day spa centre in Victoria around 1.5Hrs from Melbourne. Natural thermal mineral waters flow into the pools and private baths providing the idyllic setting for relaxation and rejuvenation. Entering the bathing area is like stepping into another world, a sanctuary where the mind and body are calmed by the steam, the sound of running water and the casual banter of bathers. It’s a place where time is forgotten. We also spoke with Caroline Cohen, a Ranger with Parks Victoria Rosebud, who says Spring is a great time to get out into the Peninsula Parks. She suggests that you visit Seawinds Gardens on Arthurs Seat and Point Nepean National Park. Who knows, you might witness one of those Joeys popping out of their mothers pouches.
Out & About with Miss Delish.
‘Progressive’ is the new word. It means bring an extra pair of shoes. This month I discovered the latest thing - ’progressive’ weddings. I am a traditionalist in many ways…. Yes, yes, the European background and Roman Catholic influence are charging through with a force that can be hidden at times for best behaviour (I do try not to judge in public), but can raise it’s head unexpectedly with no rhyme nor reason. However, this new concept is a modern take on the ‘tying of the knot’ that I do approve of, if one is thoroughly prepared. It was a busy month building up to the wedding I was so looking forward to (they are my favourite event to attend), with trips here, there and everywhere. I attended the City Of Port Philip Business Breakfast, where many business owners attend in the hope of networking to further their relationship with others in the area. The breakfast was held at Encore St Kilda, the function venue next to Republica. There is always a key note speaker at the breakfasts. Guy Grossi was extremely interesting and really appealed as a ‘down to earth’ Chef/Entrepreneur. His humble explanation of the highs and lows of his business career were inspiring. Anyway, after listening to Guy Grossi discuss his business ventures and career in the culinary world; I was thinking about the upcoming wedding I was attending that weekend. The Business Breakfast venue and the food that
was being served had me wondering what would I serve if I were putting on a wedding and feeding 100 people plus and where would I do such a thing. What I had in my mind was not what I attended that following Saturday. Let me tell you about it. First of all, I will mention that the Bride was magnificent, the Groom very dashing, and the music was perfection…..I have the sorest feet to prove it! St Kilda News now has a married Editor, and he will no longer be tainted with the nickname ‘Groomzilla’. Congratulations to Mr and Mrs Joel and Caroline Cohen. So, I arrive in the highest heels possible to the homestead in Mt Martha. I hop out of the car and walk a few steps to the area where the ceremony will be held. The sun is shining, the temperature mild and the scenery is lovely. The bride appears, the vows are exchanged and it’s a done deal. We have the canapés and champagne where we stand. After an hour or so, I start to wonder where do I sit down? “You walk to the next venue” says the guest beside me. “Sorry? Did you say walk to the NEXT venue?” Yes she did. OMG I am in massive heels and a dress that one could see what I ate for breakfast should I fall backwards. I defied all and hopped in my car and drove myself up the hill and down the road to the reception. It was a rustic barn setting, covered in fairy lights and tea candles, with the original tin roof and monstrous double barn doors. Pleased with my sneakiness at saving those shoes of mine, I enjoyed the wedding meal for one hundred guests, and listened to the witty speech given by a clever friend of mine. Suddenly it dawned on me I had not seen a dance floor, nor a large band. “Where do we dance?” I
asked the groom. He smiled and said “Miss Delish, you have never attended a progressive wedding before, have you?” Horrified that this may mean another obstacle at saving my very expensive, very high heeled shoes, I timidly replied “No, what is that?” You guessed it! Further than the last leg, the dancing and fantastic party that followed was a long way down the beaten track. I watched in awe as ladies produced ballet flats and thongs from handbags to make the trek to champagne heaven! Bugger Bugger Bugger!!!!! I could not help myself, and patiently waited til most had moved up the path already before I slid into the drivers seat of my car and slowly edged my way along the DIRT road, over hills, passed livestock, and finally to the car park of Venue Number Three! Such a decision allowed me to dance in the outfit intended for the wedding, not spend any extra time with nature than a city girl like me wants to, and my car was where the party ended in the morning. We danced all night, and most slept at the last venue. Very well planned and an interesting dynamic for a wedding weekend! But my advice is this: If the invitation says any of the key words ‘property, homestead, vineyard, transport, accommodation and short distance’, YOU MUST BRING FLAT SHOES! This is what the young folk are now calling a progressive wedding, and they are all the rage! See You In The Village.
see photos SKN online www.stkildanews.com
In September 2009 the Emerald Hill Cricket Club were at the crossroads. The previous season their first grade team, struggling after losing a raft of long-term players, went winless in the Southern District and Churches Shield Grade. Their second grade also finished bottom, and despite their one-day side making the semi-finals, the club were just hanging on for numbers. But the situation was nothing on what the ‘Dragons’ would experience heading into the 2009-10 season as a further deluge of players failed to return to the fold. “We had eight players to choose from,” club president Jimmy Adams says. “It got to the last week before the opening game and we were going to pull the pin.” But strange things happen in hours of need. One of St Kilda-based club’s long-term players, Adrian Chew, was explaining the club’s dire situation to a bunch of workmates during smoko one day, and convinced them to play. Even though most “hadn’t played since they were kids”, the club now had the numbers it needed to push forward. The Dragons hierarchy decided it was in the best interests of the club to drop the two-day side down to 6th grade – the lowest grade in the league – and fill a one-day side with the remaining players. After a slow start to the season, both sides eventually gelled and went on to win flags. Last season the league promoted the two-day side to fourth grade and the club regained a level of structure, with the two-day side becoming the Dragons’ official “first-grade” again and healthier numbers – garnered from those new to the St Kilda area and a smattering of travelling types – ensuring another one-day side could be added. The result? Another flag for the “firsts”, and grand final and semi-final appearances for the other sides. With the 2011-12 season looming
large, the club are looking to expand to four teams and are, as ever, seeking new players. Training will be held each Thursday (5pm until dusk) at Lagoon Reserve, Liardet Street, Port Melbourne (Melway 2J F6), from September 8, while Saturday pre-season sessions (12pm-2pm) will begin on September 10 at Albert Park Reserve Oval 11 (Melway 2N J1). The season will begin on October 8. Season subs are substantially less than other clubs at $77, which includes the perks of membership to the Dragons’ home base and watering hole, the St Kilda Bowling Club. Adams says this long-held affiliation with the Fitzroy Street establishment sets the club apart from stock-standard cricketing clubs. He says while the majority of the clubs in the SDCCL are based in the south-eastern suburbs and have a “more settled” culture, the Dragons are “a vibrant, diverse and, most importantly, friendly mix of semi-renowned local musicians [past players include Adam Donovan from Augie March and Spiderbait’s Damien ‘Whit’ Whitty] community radio personalities and grungey St Kilda types.” “We’re certainly a fun club,” he says. “An eclectic mix off the field, but not lacking competitive spirit on it”. Anyone interested can contact Jimmy on 0422 244 721, Andy Hill on 0419 301 602, check out the club’s Facebook page, or send an email to email@example.com.
D shops gone ?
Where have our
irect Influence will be instantly recognised by lovers of deep rooted soulful hip hop, and is probably also familiar to those frequenting The Espy or Veludo in St Kilda. The two It turns out that some of them are not far front-men Dylan Smith and away at all. Marcus Ross started the band As reported in the as Big on Flowers. in high school. They then took September edition Dominique is running it to St Kilda. Now they are of SKN many shops the show and with touring the world. have recently left over 20 years of Over the last ten years Acland Street. The experience as a their sound has developed into good news is some of florist he sure knows a sophisticated blend of roots, them have appeared what he is doing. soul, electro, rock, reggae and on Carlisle and Choose from small, hip hop. Last year the band Barkley Streets. We well priced bunches toured Australia, New Zealand are happy to confirm to more elaborate and Japan on the back of that Kinki Gerlinki, arrangements their debut album War in my Quick Brown Fox, Dominique can help Kitchen, which was released to Acland Flowers and out with all of your critical acclaim. Perhaps Beat Eye Life are all alive floral needs. Magazine put it best with the and well and still in St Kinki Gerlinki and quote “Direct Influence have Kilda but in a different Quick Brown Fox are nothing but talent”. It features location. both now in Carlisle well conceived collaborations Eye Life has Street and trading with UK emcee EQ (Final moved off Acland St away happily. If you Word), and the unmistakable but is alive and well, loved their stuff in vocals of Dan Sultan (For My trading happily at Acland Street take People). their NEW location yourself for a walk to The band collected a lot just 25 meters away Carlisle and check out of fond memories touring. at 210 Barkly St next their new stores. For Dylan, who has Maori to Hocking Stuart and Our investigative heritage, returning to New the Branch. All the team at SKN has Zealand to play music was a same services are determined that special experience. “It was a available including commercial rents privilege to play in front of my Optometrist, Contact in Barkley and fellow Kiwis,” he says. “Tokyo Lenses and of Carlisle Street is like stepping into the future,” course the latest can be 30 – 50% Marcus remembers. “Japan and greatest Frames cheaper than those was off the planet, it’s another and Sunglasses on Acland Street. word,” he says. from Designers like This seems to be the When they are in Chanel, Tom Ford, big factor for many Melbourne the band loves Oliver Peoples and shops in the recent returning to St Kilda to play Dita. Eye Life also disappearances and shows. “We are more of a offers a make-over migrations. It will be south side band than a north service for your very interesting to side band,” Dylan explains. favourite old sunnies! watch Acland Street “We wrote a lot of music in Acland Flowers and see what takes St Kilda, and we play a lot of is now trading at their place. shows here,” he adds. They 197 Carlisle Street clearly have a lot of affection
Sings a Song about St Kilda By Daniel Wilson
Dylan Smith (left) and Marcus Ross (right) from Direct Influence sit on a rooftop in St Kilda
for St Kilda. “The three years living here (in St Kilda) were probably the best three years of my life,” Marcus reflects. “It is a great hub for live music, and DJs as well. Because of the thriving backpacker scene and the students that live here you can go out any night of the week and check out some live acts,” he says. “It is one of the most unique places in Melbourne in the sense that you get people from all walks of life,” he adds. But not all the songs they wrote in St Kilda are happy ones. Jackson Street is a song “about a homeless guy that was stabbed in the back alley behind my house,” Marcus explains. “It took the authorities three and a half hours to arrive at the scene, and in that time he managed to bleed to death. It is very sad that this can happen in a country like Australia,” he adds. Marcus admits “St Kilda definitely has a seedy underbelly” but feels that “boosting police numbers won’t solve the problem.” Instead he believes that “we need more outreach programs, we need to accept the reality and work
with the people of St Kilda to overcome issues of crime and homelessness.” Some of their better memories are of the parties that went down at the sharehouse. Over time they grew to include DJs, laser light shows, bands, street performers, beat-boxers, and dancers. The rooftop soon became too small for the exercise and the operation morphed into chartered boat parties. Matt Hunt, inspired by the experience former housemate, started the management business 107 Entertainment, named after the building they all shared together. Matt is currently putting together a North America tour for Direct Influence to kick off at the Canadian Music Fest. He is excited to be going along on tour. “Exposure in the North American market is definitely going to be a positive experience for the band, and should bring with it a host of new opportunities.” Matt says. Direct Influence is currently also working on a single with Count Bounce from TZU to be released this year. A record release will follow in 2012.
Local Girl Shoots For The Stars
Adella Dumitrescu, pictured above has recently entered a competition being run by Moi Moi Fine Jewellery to become the face of their Mademoiselle Jewellery Line. An Elwood resident for ten years, she this year placed as runner up in New York agency ModelKarma's first international model search. Earlier this year, she also made the finals of Cosmopolitan Magazine's Model Search 2011. Says Adella: “What I like best about living here is the attitude of the residents, everyone's really approachable and there's a strong bohemian atmosphere. I also love the night markets during summer.” Best of luck in your competition, Adella, we like that you live here, too. To help Adella win (and SKN expects all red-blooded residents to vote!) Google “Moi Moi Fine Jewellery”, Click “View Top 12”, Select “Adella Dumitrescu”, Select “Vote”, and follow the prompts.
Photographed by Eric Jong
Photographed by Eric Jong
Photographed by Eric Jong
Photographed by Eric Jong
Photographed by Eric Jong
Photographed by Eric Jong
SKN Photographed by Eric Jong
ST KILLA STYLES FASHION MASSACRE firstname.lastname@example.org
5-11 September furless, shiny people made their way out for fashion week to check out what’s what in the Melbourne fashionista scenes right now. The party attire, swimwear and resort wear show kicked off in extraordinary style. The girl next to me and I swooned over buff male mod-u-els striding the catwalk in well… in… nothing. Ok well, maybe not exactly nothing. But close to. This show really was for the boys though, with Jack London as the Stand out in Menswear for the night. The range was full of swag colourful and diverse. Celebrating everything that Man has had to offer pop, rock and indie culture over the last, say, fifty years. Time to throw away the Captain Ahab (pa-leease), get your rock n roll out and bring the night to the day, beach boys. Bettina Liano was impressive for the gals with a mash up of 60s/90s cuts. Pop acid colours within conventional frames. It’s
this kind of juxtapositioning that will get you noticed – if fashion is your game. Otherwise, girls are all about the flow this season. Pleats, wet look and soft soft soft. By most of what I saw on the night, expect an emphasis on cutting. The only disappointment was the overuse in neutral colours. It’s springtime people! Hello rebirth isn’t beige – its method in madness as the wonders of new life unfold. Get inspired huh? It is, after all, the time of year for it. Furthermore, can we please throw the nautical look in the bin already? That dead horse is beyond recognition now. Period. Moving on, an exciting event is about to hit October: Buy Nothing New Month. I, for one, am on board. This is a great campaign that simply requests that you buy nothing new for your fashion wardrobe for one short month. However, this is not about abstinence. You are not expected to lock yourself in a cupboard for a month. This is about the art of exchange. The campaign states, “Buy Nothing New Month isn’t about
‘buying nothing ever’. Simply make the pledge to beg, buy, barter and swap whatever you need, making sure it’s preloved, with the exceptions of necessities (including food, drink, medications and hygiene products) and you might find yourself winning a cool $5000!” So wait… spend less money and maybe win $5K? Do you need to even think about that? Find these guys on facebook for more details. Because I endeavor to separate the quality from the blatant rip offs in the St Kilda fashion world, I will be running a story next issue on Buy Nothing Month. No better opportunity to demystify vintage shopping. With so many lines blurred between op-shopping and vintage collecting – what does it all mean? Any thoughts? Feel free to contact me email@example.com
SKN 17 Photographed by Eric Jong
Photographed by Eric Jong
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Does My Labia Look Big In This?
by Dr Caroline Dowling MS, FRACS (Urol), Urologist, Incontinence, prolapse and general urology We are all used to hearing “does my bum look big in this” from fashion and form conscious women. You might be surprised to learn, the rear is not the only part of the female anatomy to be the subject of sizebased scrutiny. For those unfamiliar with the term, “labia”, these are the outside “flaps” or the “lips” that hide the treasure trove that is the internal female genitalia. The labia majora are the hair bearing (sometimes!) larger outer lips and the softer thinner folds that are within are the labia minora. Given how hard it seems to be to find the clitoris, how am I supposed to find the labia? Well now the word is that women are spending an excessive time looking at the area and not liking what they see. Brazil, that home of love, lust, women
with unbelievably sexy bodies, slathered in oil, gyrating in the sand, is a place of little pubic hair. “The Brazilian” is a trend that has literally caught Australian women by the short and curlies! Guess what you see then? That’s right, poking out are those little labia minora! So lumped with long labia, singing “do your labia hang low, do they wobble to and fro” its off for a different kind of trim. Women seek labioplasty for a variety of reasons; cosmesis is the front-runner. However, there are women born with abnormal genitals, some with cancers and those with lesser complaints such as chaffing or difficulty with sports who seek surgery. What does the actual “nip and tuck” involve? For some it’s a straight snip, for
The Daily Commute Mr. Corb email@example.com
It is somewhat ironic that I am writing this preconceived article sardined in a train, devouring the tastes, smells and emotions of my fellow commuters somewhat unwillingly. Sharing our personal space has for me in the last couple of months become a beacon for disruption in my life. I will start with my home life. Recently I introduced a new relationship into the home dynamic, no biggie, or so I thought, well to be honest “I didn’t think” because blind Freddie could have predicted the future outcome of this introduction to the already unstable, female occupant housemate. I am no prince but I had somewhat unwittingly become the subject of my housemate’s fantasy. This started with my housemate, a 36 year old single woman casually asking during the commercial break if I would be her sperm donor, now this may not have been too great an issue had the relationship been a long-term friendship and we had a knowledge of each other greater than the 3 months we had been living together. So, amusingly to my ”friends” I now had a “Bunny Boiler” the jokes were descriptive, images of me hogtied, with a cow milking machine attached to my manhood and turkey basters were common fodder for these unsupportive loved ones. LOL did not cut it on this one.
others, such as aptly named US expert, Dr Alter, there are more technical maneuvers of trimming and cutting that make origami look simple. And what after all, is normal? In one British study a group of 50 “normal” women had all genital parameters measured. Labial lengths ranged from 2cm to 10cm. No particular female cosmetic genital surgery is known to enhance your sex life and indeed anything that disrupts the blood flow in the “vulval” (not of the Swedish car type) area may in fact lead to that fabulous term “sexual dysfunction” or indeed even better “dyspareunia” or painful sexual intercourse. So wax away, play around, have a look, but think before you leap into bed with the surgeons knife.
However, important the description of my “single white female” housemate is, I am loosing track of this article “Sharing”. With me meeting and progressing my new “lady love” relationship, it quickly became embarrassingly and uncomfortably clear that another female in the fold was not welcome. Tension…was instant on the arrival of new found “lady love” so thick, that the fog that engulfed our apartment reminded me of a Cheech and Chong movie. With no other option than to face the demons, I was quickly advised that it best I move on than try to share our space. The reason “The apartment is not big enough to share my space with 3 people” The notion that we own personal space is becoming more and more apparent in society, with the amount of people growing constantly and swiftly, workplaces introducing hot desking to include more employees, more vehicles on the road, the great Australian dream of a ¼ acre block being replaced by the city apartment. Space is becoming our necessity not our privilege and we are holding onto it with a stern grip. Don’t get me wrong here, I am equally caught up in the personal space I believe I am entitled to, but I can also see the big picture effect of how as a society we are becoming more and more offensive with
our attitude to our fellow man. Yes we have to share our space, but do we have to share it at the detriment of our society. Nearly every day you will have someone or something affect your space, whether it is on your commute to work being cut off by another car jumping into your space, or slowed by the cyclist riding in your space, a crowded lift full of people taking your space, or the more pleasant smell of coffee engulfing your space. The list is endless, and the reactions are many, unnoticed mostly by ourselves, until the snap, the justification that your space has now been invaded too many times, that your space is more valuable than someone else’s. The other commuter, the shopper, patron, the work colleague, the mother, father, son, daughter. You own your actions, spend them wisely. At the end of the day it is the result of your actions that define the person you are, and your impact on the world, there is a shift in the air, remember respect yourself, the road and other commuters no matter how big or small, at the end of the day we all want to get to our destination. Smile, enjoy the ride, who knows who you’ll meet.
18 SKN Virgo Aug 24 - Sep 23
Let the inner Vamp out this Halloween. Bite, suck, and ravish anything you can get your hands on … and dear Virgo, make sure you do it at THEIR house, otherwise you will freak out about the ‘bloody’ mess!
Libra Sep 24 - Oct 23
The balanced scales of Justice: Hmmmm, I’m thinking Metallica: And JUSTICE for ALL. Listen to it. Feel the raw power and scream.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 22
You have a habit of biting yourself in the ass, but if you can’t find any drugs this Halloween, at least it’s a free high.
Sagittarius Nov 23 - Dec 22
What can I say? You are fucking awesome. You pretty much know everything so there is no point in telling you anything anyway. Keep up the good work.
Horrorscopes Capricorn Dec 23 - Jan 20
Taurus Apr 21 - May 21
Aquarius Jan 21 - Feb 19
Gemini May 22 - Jun 22
Pisces Feb 20 - Mar 20
Cancer Jun 23 - Jul 23
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 20
Leo Jul 24 - Aug 23
WELL WELL WELL….. if it isn’t the sign of the GOAT…. Isn’t this month in recognition of your very evil work anyway??? You deserve a congratulations also. Keep up the bad work! You don’t like to follow the crowd, I get that. Well take that free spirit of yours high into the heavens and conjure up some interesting ideas for a wicked, original Halloween party… and then invite me. But on a more personal note, some good ideas are on their way, follow through and be surprised … BOO Dream Weaver, I believe you can get me through the night … You dreamy fish can reinvent yourselves this October, be anything you want, be creative … Use your imagination! Out with the old, in with the NEW. Mary had a little Ram She kept it in a bucket And every time she let it out The scarecrow tried to fuck it I’m not sure what this has to do with your future other than maybe keep away from farms and petting zoos this Halloween.
Watch out for that grim reaper ... Rump for dinner! Don’t let that stubbornness make that arse of yours too tough.
Let the dark side reign supreme this October. I can see you now - painted black nails, suspenders, red lipstick ... and that’s just the boy Geminis. Come on, I know you love it (who doesn’t?)
You Cancerians seem to have impressive will power and determination. Amongst the tricksters this Halloween, you will find yourself some pleasant treats - enjoy them, but don’t forget to share.
Lions and Tigers and Bears Oh My…… Lions and Tigers and Bears…… Follow your yellow brick road in October and I guarantee there will be a dirty old man waiting for you behind a green curtain! ( hahaha you thought I was gonna say Dorothy!)
By Gator & Ro
Is a Coach Worth His Money? By Barry Bajorkal
It’s that time of the year when coaches are sacked, and in St Kilda’s case, they leave. How important is the Senior Coach? I will go through the first successful side that I played with and will evaluate the importance of my coach. From the back line, we had a little Tasmanian who stuttered and our Centre Half Forward was screwing his girlfriend. That took management. Our Full Back was a lunatic whose favourite pastime was shooting a nail gun at his apprentices on his building
site. The Centre Half Back was a man who enjoyed the vegetarian variety, especially the plant with the big leaves and black resin. The Half Back Flank was designated to the guy whose wife had the best tits you have ever seen. The Ruckman drove trucks interstate without a licence and had to be slowly calmed down after a ‘speeded’ up trip. Our other Ruckman had to be cajoled after so many near misses at his job as a Flight Controller at Sydney airport. Norm on the Half Forward Flank couldn’t play unless he had his cricket box in because he had lost his left ball. The other Half Forward
Flanker was on parole after pleading guilty to a charge of assault. Dickie Knee was our Centreman who had no cartilage in his left knee and our Rover wore a bike helmet after being knocked out in every second match. Before the game our coach took the vegetarian, the parolee, the guy whose wife’s tits were fantastic and myself on a quiet lap of the oval, his message was, “any chance you get, belt the shit out of them!” What a great feat of man management – WE WON!
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St. Kilda News
8th Edition October2011