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CONFLICT


S TE V E N BAU W E N S

Selection of poems and lyrics

Poznań 2013


Introduction: Influenced by the negative, ideas and thoughts surface in my lyrics and poetry that deal with conflict. It may exist in three possible situations; within one individual, between people, or between a person and his environment. This selection of work –– they are all connected to one of these types of conflict.

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Creation As I grow, I fold and leave my path as other beings dragged me aside to roads I find somehow not meant for me I glance at my dirt path still in sight, still in view trying, want to pull back to ride it once more What am I supposed to be? Something you can hold on to something you need for me to be something you created Know, this will ask its toll one day, and you will be left alone as your creation will have faded and we will both be gone Should I give up myself for your peace of mind To live by your rules, your ideas? Should I give up myself for your peace of mind To live by your vision on my side?

6


A Dream Fame becomes an excuse for what lies beneath a life of peace, a full grown seed somehow attracted by what seems a dream to afterwards realize a dream isn’t what it seems we come and grasp within the dark what we don’t see the end of, as if waiting for a spark if only there was a way to elude a message from within to avoid the illusion of a melody that’s played on mute I can’t seem to return and replace what one day began as a simple innocence and at my own pace continue the days in a manner that suits my soul, my own face shaded by a luminance that found a way to cover my greed without further delay an instinct that tells me exactly how to proceed I wish for once it all will turn out as depicted in my head I wish for once I wouldn’t feel so sad

7


Feel Good and Be Sad Feel good and be sad Everything is out of reach and when you realize that sometimes what is beyond our will is extremely delightful to dream about to wish, to desire, now do you feel the need for appetite maintaining unsatisfied Be sad, it’s not yours and it never will do you get the vision I’m trying to explain it doesn’t depend on satisfying the thrill. true and honest sensation is described in a frame of dreams, by all means that displays the beauty as is it still something divine, out of reach, never mine it goes beyond what we own it doesn’t have a label nor is it defined it is what is forgotten these days where we learned to obey that to buy is the level on its most high seeing this makes me cry Feel good and be sad now sad isn’t necessarily something bad it’s misunderstood as something threatful the opposite of negative and flat but in my opinion this state of mind is the most pure feeling a person can have

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Feel good and be sad is what I want to live by, it’s what inside me now it’s the way to be modest, it’s the way how I think we should all live, love, admire the higher, but don’t try to equal it don’t let it expire Feel good and be sad You know it’s all in your head all you want, all that you’re waiting for you to have until it is fading to grey now we leave the planet as we came from nothing to nothing and all in between

9


A Winter’s Day I died yesterday I died alone the tunnel was white I was finally gone the pain was so strong my head fell apart The vision, the rhythm It all felt so hard The shadows were coming they took me on a traveling journey far, far away While the last moments were in front of me I started to cry I stopped to be I looked outside as I see little snowflakes falling down, the sidewalks covered with a thin white blanket. Most of the cars wearing a white hat and people wearing caps and beanies. I saw a dog sniffing along the road. Next to it was a park and the branches were hanging downwards. It’s strange that these snowflakes make everything seem as a part of a bigger plan.

10


caught As a clown I was pictured, caught in your cuckoo’s nest I bought a roundtrip ticket, but it seemed a one-way flight The sharing of a mutual understanding seems to be turning out into an illusion you started building, a wall appeared, the clown was shut out I’m standing at the foot of the hill, my arms spread, my hands wide open give back the keys. Access to control is in the other hands Your snake seduced a little rabbit, it was swallowed down trapped in an unexpected strangling that sense lost its mind Let’s play a game, I will be the pawn and you will throw the dice will he go to prison or will he win the game at last?

11


My mind is like the universe My mind is like the universe stars are drifting, going random on and on who knows if there’s a purpose what happens if all the parts start crashing, crashing on their own will they find a way to split themselves will they find a way to combine to create a new life, newer thoughts, a peace of mind My mind is like the universe everything starts bouncing, bouncing all around some days are black, some days are filled with colors that are shining, shining bright A beam, a glimpse, a move, a trance, an understanding of what goes on in the head A drift, a glow, a flash, a blow a translation of what goes on in the head Will they find out?

12


I never understood I never understood why she didn’t smile back the way I did to her, it would have made my day I never understood why to restart a war as if they forgot how it was fifty years ago I never understood why a light is so bright and it hurts my eyes when I look straight into it I never understood how my fingers move when I tell them to

I always thought that I was never in my place and I had to go somewhere else, somewhere far away I always thought that my values would always stay unchanged but they deform one by one I always thought others were more successful but then you find out everyone is a fool I always thought things would change in the end

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Never again Never again I will leave you Never again I will tease you Never again I will feed you lies I’ve been telling you Never again I will see you Never again I will be with you Never again I will be waiting by the phone to hear from you Never again I will define you Never again I will rely on you Never again I will be anymore the one that is a burden to you Never again I will break you Never again I will shake you Never again I will force you to act as I always wanted you too Never again I will penetrate you Never again I will elevate you Never again I will share my most precious moments with you 14


inside Myself I wonder sometimes, what’s inside myself those phenomenons don’t make me feel so well some parts I discovered, others unknown damn, I promised not to think ‘til dawn what I discovered, figured out thoughts is it real, true, made up, known or false? perhaps it’s my own vision I see mirrored by glass, if it breaks I’ll still be me? We see a part of what might be true the rest is uncertain, unable to find a clue lost in predictions, senses, thoughts and dreams what is real can’t be heard or seen as we find the light glowing in the dark shapes and shadows are provoked we exist all random, unknowing where to go we remain lost but we still look for a flow What and when can I learn about myself as a dusty book taken from a shelf that was hidden above for way too long the pages old, the cover red, the letters bold I feel the urge, in a way drawn to a certain knowledge what might be shown feared and wanted I want to explore my own secrets, gifts or doom, peace or war

15


Redefine Redefinethe visions you see at night Underline the words you choose to speak out loud Redefine the sounds you hear at sight Let it go, expand yourself, expand your mind Redefine the reasons you fight for now Underline the rules you set up yourself Redefine the thoughts you’re thinking about Let it go, expand yourself, expand your mind Redefine the world where in you socialize Underline the curves you’ve hidden far away Redefine the choices you make somehow Let it go, expand yourself, expand your mind Redefine the outcome of your ways Underline the people’s mind you’re dealing with Redefine those who claim to be in need Let it go, expand yourself, expand your mind It happens on more than one occasion that I got stuck not knowing why thought everything was figured out thought everything was just all right but somehow something was missing something I figured I couldn’t find inside the truth was blocked I thought I could see reality but actually I was blind 16


So rethink what you want in life rethink what you want to do cause I can’t choose all this for you That what’s I had to do for myself So come clean, come true you got to do what you want to do you got to do what you got to do where is your life? you have to, for yourself

17


Rest of My Days I got a story to tell, and for sure it ain’t pretty how years after years times after times life was shitty when I got poked and bitched around, strangled for the fun of it they went to darken my spirit managed to destroy my roots To destroy everything I will ever be somehow I deal with the evil flow, that’s what they told me to do, hell no, you think I can forgot, while I got jacked but my subconscious has to say whatever you do, you’re dead to me Who knows, what if it dissolves I’ll live a happy life, get a wife and a dog and what happens with my dark thoughts, the nightmares, the embracing of the shades oh no, that won’t go away ‘cause I’m stuck for the rest of days I know I’m not the only one experiencing the same history for sure, more are being all mutually living the same contradictory, making the world a better place movie directors I like, musicians I honestly appreciate Books that inspire me, the re-discovery of beauty that’s all meaning of life to me that’s all life means to me I got a story to tell, and for sure it ain’t pretty of the creative heroes whose life was shitty 18


Growing Once there was a girl, RenÊe was said to be her name, who had to learn during life that it was nothing but a game years to understand how the pawns had to be played as it had to be played difficult that’s how it was made endless cards, traps and points it seems such a maze uncertain what will happen in those vast many ways I’m sure she will find it as for her soul is shaped so pure whatever setback there is there will be always a cure

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Full bottle The sky is high, the bottle’s full I have the wish to drown it all all my thoughts, let them go put them on a ship and let them flow Let them disappear from me I hope to never hear or read or see they caused plenty of pain flush ‘em down flush ‘em down the drain Take out the bigger bottle let’s pour some liquid in The first one to the bottom is the first one to win drink ‘til death and drink ‘til dawn drink I will, ‘til I fall drink some of these heavenly devils drink more ‘til nothing’s there drink until the bottle is empty Drink... drink my friend drink till death and drink till dawn drink I will, ‘til I fall

20


Divided by One Surrounded by the ones we dispute with torn away from the ones we truly care about the illusion of reality, the authenticity of our dreams all by all, nothing’s true, nothing’s real all fades, all passes on to another way we find ourselves split up, cut in little pieces receiving energy coming from the shades I say we are divided by one divided by fear

21


I am Inside I am inside I am hiding myself I am inside I am hiding from myself I am free to believe that I’m trapped trapped in my wild belief s that I will do what I should do what I was meant to be I am scared to leave my place behind I am scared that I will fall behind and I try and I fail and I try and I fail and I try again will I ever realize that it’s only a dream of mine I am drowning I want to strike I am drowning I want you to strike me with a stone with a leaf, with a bat with your grieve with a trial, with a mild stroke that knocks me out of here 22


All around When I try to understand the world I see around all the words are made up, modified to perfection by human kind we say what is needed, a robotic action distraction of the self-developed mind we left behind to tell a lie construction, definition, paralyze grasp the shallow, exploit the area lose your soul, connected to heavy danger connected to us all Can I understand the world we tease? will we again, ever feel the love what was meant to be all around while it’s hard to stay alive and sane Smiling could let us be someone but whenever we are getting too proud it seeds the worst to accelerate Can I be someone you can tell a lie?

23


One Step Back As I’m haunted by thoughts that keep me from thinking clear, that keep me distracted of the path, that is actual, stuck in a world in between as I have seen is nothing but traps within thoughts within a game There seems to be no end, a circle that returns endless turns that never reaches an aim a level that is stable, at ease, not insane I wonder, I run, I’m deluded and what have I won? Besides an endless battle against myself one always has to lose there seems to be no truce, a day arrives, a year has passed progress is unlikely as I move back one step The more I live, the more I realize that what should come at age is nothing but a distant memory a finished chapter on a scribbled page I hurt myself and those around my hate is honest and profound I can’t, but still I say that one day I will find what I am looking for and still enjoy what went and what comes I beg myself to reach the day I will seize so that in the end I do can find my peace 24


What we love Starting out in my daily point where we see the life as it falls upon what we like, what we desire, what we love what puts us on fire, you can call me a liar, but think about those times that your actions are decided by what turns you on, rationality is partly in control, but overall, we are ruled by what is unexplained and will never be more than an attempt to overpaint the inner guilts by a sheet of saints even when suppressed it’s still here it will never disappear, never be that clear why we love what we love why we want our passions to be heard why we want our passions to be here

25


Take My Chances I wonder every time how life can make its choices to construct our days, our fortune to predict the inside voices when I feel depressed and down or thrilled as never before I wonder every time is this right, for now and how long it will go on Sometimes you have to start again nothing stays as it seems shattered, the puzzle on the floor the pieces come together one by one, all the trouble on the way has a purpose we must bear for later on, it will reveal why it happened, it all comes clear Every time I look around Every time I’m scared to stay Every time I look around Every time I want to flee and hide And I know I shouldn’t run and hide I should take my chances so I wouldn’t fail in life And I know it’s all worth fighting for nothing to frightened of

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Š 2013 Steven Bauwens


Conflict