Man nobody ever heard of denies rumours. Steve Cook speechless, wife pleasantly surprised That tweet/blog post in full As Katherine Jenkins issues her own shock denial concerning rumours about a relationship with David Beckham that nobody was aware of, Steve Cook has decided to follow her example and act swiftly to protect his own lack of reputation. I want to make it a matter of public record that there is no truth at all in the rumour on everybody’s lips that in the early 1960's I had a secret love affair with Marilyn Monroe. I deny with every ounce of vigour in my body that she described me as the most interesting man alive. Many of you may find that hard to believe and I can understand that you are stunned. You may think that I am lying through my dentures but I assure you I have a birth certificate to prove that I was only 8 years old at the time. As for the “most interesting man alive” thing, the words widely attributed to Ms Monroe never once left her pouting lips and were actually voiced by someone else (ie, me). So there’s another malicious rumour I can scotch straight away: I can without reservation or fear of much contradiction reassure everybody who might have been losing sleep over it that I am actually younger than I look. I am not in fact 89 years old but merely a sprightly and precocious 60. The whispers circulating about my sexual prowess are, however, true I’m sorry to say. . . Be that as it may, you must believe me when I tell you that there is also no truth whatsoever in the allegations now circulating that I am the secret love child of a certain merchant banker and the undisclosed heir to. . . well, half the planet. Please understand that this is equally
unfounded malicious gossip that everyone was completely unaware of until I mentioned it, although I do, I admit, desperately wish it were true. Equally, the widely held belief that I ghost-wrote The Lord of the Rings for my close friend Johnnie Tolkien is equally slanderous and untrue (although I did, I admit, on occasion correct some of his grammer and speling). I think it only fair to warn you that should any of the tabloid gutter press irresponsibly pick up on these rumours accidentally mentioned in my press releases and seek to make sensational headlines out of them by launching me to fame and fortune, I will be truly mortified. And if anyone invites me to appear on Celebrity Big Brother, thus seeking to profit from my inadvertent projection into the national limelight, you will be hearing from my solicitors, Swindle-Shyster of Cheapkate, Berkshire. And I am inordinately saddened and distressed by the allegations that the Dalai Lllama has predicted I will get a knighthood, mainly because he also predicted England would win the European Cup. And finally, let me put to bed several other rumours concerning me before anyone thinks of them. I have no intention of playing midfield for Manchester United even if Sir Alex begs me to do it. I have never orbited the Earth in a Soyuz Spacecraft, although I did once orbit London in a Vauxhall Astra looking for Stansted Airport. I will not be accepting any Oscars - not even if Obama does pull his troops out of Afghanistan. It will take more than that to win me over I can tell you! Madonna and I are just good friends – or we will be as soon as she accepts my Facebook request. Honestly, I don’t know what puts these ideas in people’s heads.