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Puss In Boots a magical pantomime by Philip Meeks


Puss In Boots by Philip Meeks © Philip Meeks 2012. All Rights Reserved This e-script may not be copied or transcribed by any means electronic, optical or mechanical without the prior permission of the copyright owners or their agent. Photocopying or printing more than one copy of this script without a suitable license is strictly prohibited. This play is a work of fiction. The characters are entirely the product of the authors’ imagination and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. ‘Puss In Boots’ is fully protected under the international laws of copyright which are enacted in the UK as the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. Philip Meeks has asserted his right to be identified as the intellectual owner of the work in accordance with the above Act. While every precaution has been taken in the preparation of this play, the publisher assumes no responsibility for errors or omissions, or for damages resulting from the use of the material contained herein. Published, and rights managed in the UK and Ireland by : Stagescripts Ltd, Lantern House, 84 Littlehaven Lane, Horsham, West Sussex, RH12 4JB, UK Tel (UK) : 0845 686 0611 International : +44 (0)700 581 0581 sales@stagescripts.com www. stagescripts.com Publication History: February 2012 : First Edition Stagescripts Ltd Registered in England and Wales No. 06155216

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SE-0300

Rev A


Characters (5m, 2f, 1m/f) Wysteria the Witch Dame Doris Dimple Jamie Rory King Crumble Princess Fiona Rumbletum Felix

a wicked lady (f) the miller’s widow (m) her son (m) her other son (m) the monarch of Goodwill (m) his daughter (f) the ogre (m) head of the clan of incredible cats (m/f)

Chorus of villagers, courtiers, and Wysteria’s wenches, feline sprites and the clan of incredible cats.

Musical Items 01 02 03 04 05 06 07

Overture (‘Everybody Wants To Be A Cat’) ‘We Need A Hero’ Reprise (‘Everybody Wants To Be A Cat’) ‘Fabulous Baby’ (from ‘Sister Act’) Wysteria’s Entrance A Simple Song A Short Comedy Number

08 09 10 11 12 13 14 ~~~~ 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29

‘Evil’ Sting Short Snappy Upbeat Duet ‘Evil’ Underscoring Everybody Wants To Be A Cat Everybody Wants To Be A Cat (Dance Routine) The Jellicle Ball (Underscore & Short Dance Routine) A Romantically Inclined Big Production Song

Orchestra Jamie & Fiona Orchestra Rory, Cats And Feline Sprites Feline Sprites Cats And Forest Nymphs Jamie & Fiona with Doris, Rory, McM, Cats & Nymphs

Entr’acte A Going-To-A-Party Song ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ Theme (First few bars only) ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ Theme (Longer version) A Strict Tempo Comedy Dance Number Sinister Music Entry of the Cats Drum Roll Reprise of Music #1 [or other suitable Heroic Anthem] A Wistful Love Song [for Fiona, about Jamie] Creepy Underscoring Comedy Sting ‘These Boots Were Made For Walking’ Big Dramatic Chords A Big Production Number

Orchestra Jamie, Fiona & Chorus Orchestra Orchestra Orchestra Orchestra Orchestra Orchestra Fiona, Jamie, Rory, Doris, Cats & Chorus Fiona Orchestra Orchestra Wysteria Orchestra Jamie, Fiona, Crumble, Cats & Chorus

30 31 32

The Singing Competition Song Walk-down and Calls Finale (‘Everybody Wants To Be A Cat’)

Orchestra Chorus Fiona & Chorus Doris & Female Chorus Orchestra Jamie, Fiona & Rory Doris & Crumble

(Possibly: ‘You’re The One That I Want’, or ‘Timeless To Me’ from Hairspray)

(Possibly: ‘Mr Blue Sky’ by ELO)

Doris & Rory Company Company

First Produced This pantomime was first presented at the Webster Theatre, Arbroath, Scotland between December 12th 2011 and December 30th 2011, directed by the author.

i


ACT ONE Prologue - Wysteria’s Witchery. MUSIC #1: OVERTURE (A SWINGING VERSION OF ‘EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE A CAT’) As the overture ends, FX: Pyro effect. Wysteria has arrived. She’s a trad witch clad in lilac. At this stage she should have a false nose, a few warts and unruly eyebrows, for reasons that will become apparent as our tale unfolds. Wysteria waves her wicked wand. The following should be underscored.

Wysteria

A welcome from the happy town of Goodwill, you snivelling crew, Where dreams and joyful wishes always do come true. Or they would if this place didn’t have a tiny little hitch It’s cursed by panto land’s wickedest, nastiest witch. A thwarted young lady, Wysteria by name Who lost her vast fortune and all of her fame. Now this wonderful creature, where can she be? Well, you’re lucky my dears, ‘cos Wysteria… is me! I’m the rottenest witch you’ll ever have known. And I’ll soon take my place on the Goodwill throne. Until that time comes I’ve been enjoying some fun By threatening this place with my monstrous son. A beast worse’n any that uttered: “Fee Fi Fo Fum” My dear little boy… the Ogre, Rumbletum.

She cackles malevolently. We hear stomping feet. Wysteria’s son the Ogre Rumbletum approaches. She jumps with each step to show the might of his foot fall. The underscoring stops.

Ogre Wysteria Ogre Wysteria Ogre Wysteria

(Offstage). Mummy… Mummy… I want my mummy.

Will you keep quiet, Rumbletum . I was doing so well with my rhyming and now you’ve put me off me stride. (Entering). But I’m hungry….. We’ve got visitors, Rumbletum. A bunch of wretched boys and girls… I like boys and girls. I know. But do you like them best, boiled or fried?

Ogre and Wysteria laugh.

Ogre Wysteria

Ogre

I’m hungry mummy. I’m hungry. I want to eat beans. Human beans. When will you let me stomp all over Goodwill and eat all the little people? You know I can’t let you do that yet dearest. You’re part of my terrible scheme. (To the audience). I intend to marry King Crumble. If I become a Wicked Queen my power will know no bounds. But can you believe it? King Crumble’s been spurning my advances. So until he sees sense, I’m making him pay! A thousand doughnuts a day! Enough to feed my little boy. If he misses a payment it’ll be time for me to start squishing.

Ogre and Wysteria laugh.

Wysteria Ogre Wysteria Ogre Wysteria

King Crumble’s weakening. Any day now he’ll marry me, and the good times will be back! Who’d marry you? You’ve got a moustache. Rumbletum… you cheeky boy! And a wart on your nose the size of a bus. (Stamping her foot). King Crumble will marry me. 1


Ogre Wysteria

Oh, no he won’t. Oh, yes he will. (They do the routine here). Silence the lot of you! (She gets angry and points her wand. it wilts). Fiddlesticks. (Rumbletum laughs, which recedes as he exits). He’s right! I’ve lost my looks, and my magic’s not what it was. But once I’m Queen, I’ll be ravishing again, and my power will be unstoppable. And there’s no one to foil my shenanigans. Goodwill is a lost cause. I promise you, kiddiewinks, this is one pantomime where wickedness is going to win! There are certainly no heroes here! (She exits, laughing malevolently).

Scene One The town square. The set is a typical panto opening scene. There is a fountain with a low surrounding wall.

MUSIC #2: “WE NEED A HERO” Villagers are discovered on stage dancing to the introduction of song. They sing a refrain of the chorus. FX: lightning. SFX: sound of Rumbletum’s footsteps. He roars. King Crumble enters. The music underscores.

Crumble Wysteria

People of Goodwill, fear not. Everything is under control! (Entering). Who are you trying to kid! Until I’m your bride one thing is clear The folk of Goodwill will live in fear. Doughnuts you’ll supply to stuff down my boy’s neck The great Ogre Rumbletum is nothing like Shrek.

Rumbletum enters and roars. Wysteria and King exit and the villagers run about in a panic as Rumbletum chases them. Princess Fiona enters, dressed as a villager.

Fiona

Hello everyone! My name’s Princess Fiona , but nobody around here knows I’m a Princess. I’m in disguise! My father, King Crumble, wants me to stay at the palace until all this trouble is sorted. But I can’t let the people of Goodwill down. I need to find someone who’ll help us defeat Ogre Rumbletum.

Fiona leads the chorus

MUSIC #3: “WE NEED A HERO” (SHORT REPRISE) Fiona and the Chorus exit as Rory enters.

Rory

Look at all the rows and rows of cheeky monkeys. How ya doin? I’m a little bit late because I overslept. I had the neighbours banging on the front door at 3am! It’s a good job I was still up playing my drums or I’d have been really, really cross! My name’s Rory, and I stay here in Goodwill with my mum, Dame Doris Dimple, and my big brother Jamie, at Dimple’s Windmill. My mum thinks I’m so daft. Just because once she asked me to go to the shops and buy her some invisible ink. And I asked her what colour. She always tells that story to show me up in front of me friends. Well she would if I had any friends… Hang on a minute. Would you lot like to be my friends? (They would). You would! Aww, that’d be smashing. Every time you see me, I’ll say: “Who’s my mates?”, and you lot shout back: “We are Rory!”. Let’s have a practice. (They do). Now, I’m meant to help me mum out at the windmill but I’m too busy for work. And I’ve not been well, boys and girls. I went to the Doctors this morning, and I said: “Doctor, I’m shrinking, what am I going to do?”, and he said: “Be a little patient”. And then I had to take my cat to the vets, and the vet said: “Is it a Tom?”, and I said: “No. I’ve brought it with me!”. Wasn’t he silly! I haven’t told you about my cat, have I? Would you like to meet him boys and girls? You’ll have to be really quiet because he’s ever so shy. (He heads to the wings and returns holding a puppet/toy cat.). He was my dad’s cat and when my dad died he left him to me. We couldn’t think of a name for him so we call him Puss. 2


Rory (Cont’d)

Jamie Rory Jamie Rory Jamie Rory

My dad didn’t have much to leave us. My mum got the windmill, I got Puss, and my big brother Jamie got his best boots. Dad used to say they’d been made for him by the fairy folk… that they were magic. I never believed him. (As Rory speaks, Jamie enters wearing gold boots. Jamie sees Rory and walks down to him). But Jamie thinks he’s so swanky in them. He swaggers about like he owns the place! And he never lets me even try them on. And I’d love to. Let me tell you something about my big brother, boys and girls. My big brother is… Right behind you. Hello there, Jamie. I was telling the boys and girls what a smashing bloke you are. Really smashing. Without you as my big bro, I’d be driven out of me mind. Well, that wouldn’t be a very long trip. And he’s soooo funny too! Go back home to the windmill, Rory; you’re cramping my style. There’s a new girl in town. I only caught a quick glimpse of her, but I’m telling you, she’s the one for me. Funny you should say that. I saw a girl too, earlier. She made my heart go all fluttery.

Enter Fiona.

Both Rory Jamie

That’s her there. I saw her first. You did not, you big fibber.

The squabble escalates ad lib. Throughout, if Puss is a puppet, Rory should manipulate it so it’s looking at each of them, and then out to the audience in disbelief. Fiona approaches them.

Fiona Both Fiona

Excuse me boys. I thought one of you might be what I’m looking for. But I was obviously mistaken. You’re not, you’re not! I need a hero, not a couple of big babies. Your puss would probably be more use to me than either of you.

Exit Fiona. The cat reacts if possible.

Jamie Rory Jamie Rory

That was your fault. It wasn’t, it was your fault. You and your silly Puss. Don’t you call Puss names.

A loud ‘yoo hoo’ is heard offstage. Dame Doris is on her way.

Jamie Rory Jamie Rory

Here comes me mum. No! She’s usually in the pub ‘til way past tea time! We’d better make ourselves scarce! See you later, boys and girls.

Exit Rory and Jamie. Dame Doris enters.

Doris

I’m here my dears! I’m here! My name’s Dame Doris Dimple, owner of Dimple’s Windmill. Now you know who I am, I need to know who you are. After three, everyone shout out your names. One, two, three… (They shout). Marvellous. I think I got the lot. We’re all going to be friends today, I can tell. (To a man in the audience). What did you say you were called, kind and somewhat handsome, sir? (He gives his name. She repeats it). That’s my favourite name. It is, girls. It really is. In fact it’s my husband’s name. Well, he’s not actually my husband. In fact I’ve only just met him. I’ve had one of those days girls. I woke up this morning and there was this woman stealing our garden gate. I let her have it in the end. Well I didn’t want her to take offence… Then I had to go to Tesco’s and the young boy behind the till threw a tub of 3


Doris (Cont’d)

butter at me. I mean, how dairy! And then as I was leaving, I was grabbed by a ruffian. Well, he started searching me. “Give me your money”, he said, frisking me like mad. Ten minutes later he says: “You haven’t got any money”. I said: “I know. But don’t stop, I’ll write you a cheque!”. One of the reasons I went to Tesco was to buy some sweets for my boys… but I’ve got far too many here. I really don’t know what to do with them. (The audience reacts). You lot would like them? I don’t know about that. This is a pantomime. Nobody throws sweeties at a pantomime. Oh, go on then. (Sweet throwing). Now, those who were lucky enough to get a sweetie, please be generous. Have a suck and pass it along. I’m a widow you know. My poor dear late husband fell down a wishing well. Well, who knew they worked? No, he was a good man my Dennis. I do miss him. Here I am now, all alone. I have to make two thousand doughnuts a day at the windmill to feed that terrible ogre. And I get no help from my good for nothing sons. But I’m hoping someday soon I’ll find a suitable suitor to whisk me off me feet. And before anyone else says it… no! He doesn’t need to be a fork lift driver. Now, if you’re not up to the job, (name of man in audience), I’m sure someone will come my way. I’m not bad for an old bird am I … … suit yourselves… I’m burnished, brandished and tarnished. I’ve had my wrinkles steamed out and my pimples ironed in and I’m ready for action.

MUSIC #4: ‘FABULOUS BABY’ [DAME DORIS AND GIRLS] Enter Jamie And Rory.

Rory Doris Jamie Rory Doris

Rory Doris

Who’s my mates? (Audience response). And where have you two been? Have you done your chores? We’ve been very busy. Haven’t we? Oh yes. You’re telling fibs. Jamie! (She clobbers him). You’re useless when it comes to work. And you Rory… (She clobbers him). Don’t start me on you. His head’s so empty, boys and girls, when you stand next to him you can hear the ocean. I’m daft through and through, and proud of it. But when are you both going to make your mummy proud of you?

Jamie and Rory notice Doris is upset.

Jamie Rory Doris

We will one day. We promise you mum! You’re good boys really, and we’re one happy family. Eeee. I’m filling up.

A fanfare is heard. Enter Villagers.

Doris Rory Doris Jamie

That’s King Crumble. How do I look, boys? You know, I think he’s got a soft spot for me. If he fancies you he must have a soft spot. His head. Watch it, buster. What’ll I do if he rolls his eyes at me? Roll them back.

The King enters.

Doris

Good morning, your majesticals. (She curtsies and gets stuck. Jamie and Rory crank her back up).

Crumble Doris Crumble Doris

People of Goodwill, I have terrible news. They’re bringing back ‘Eldorado’? (or similar bad TV programme). Princess Fiona has vanished from the Palace. Oh you poor man. I’m sure she’ll turn up safe and sound. 4


Crumble

Your kindness and concern has been duly noted, dear Dame Doris.

Doris and Crumble lock eyes. There’s a ‘ping’ from the pit. Doris turns to audience.

Doris Crumble Rory Jamie Rory Crumble

You see girls, I think he’s hot to trot for me. I hope you aren’t the jealous type [insert name of man in audience]. Anyone who finds the Princess will receive a reward. A night out in [insert name of a downmarket town] Anyone who doesn’t find her gets two nights out in [insert name of the downmarket town]. (Pulling Rory aside). Hush, will you? I’ve a funny feeling that beautiful girl we saw earlier was the Princess. Well I never. You’ve read the script. Princess Fiona means so much to me. These days are dreadful enough with the terrible reign of Wysteria the Witch.

Wysteria’s offstage cackle is heard.

MUSIC #5: WYSTERIA’S ENTRANCE FX: Pyro smoke. Wysteria ‘arrives’. “Ooohs” from everyone on stage.

Wysteria Crumble Doris

Did somebody mention my name? (She approaches the king). Sooooo. Are you ready to whisper sweet nothings in my ear? Once and for all, I’ll never marry you; you wicked old witch! He’d sooner marry Edwina Currie (or other suitable out of favour celebrity).

All the villagers bravely cheer. Crumble grabs Doris’s hand. A moment passes between them. They let go. Wysteria clocks this and growls.

Wysteria

Doris Wysteria

(To the audience). Did you see that, girls? I’ll have to keep my eye on that stupid bat. She’s got designs on my man! (Now, to the gathered throng). My patience wears thin! For

today’s unkindness I’m increasing the quantity of doughnuts to be delivered to my witchery, by two thousand. That’s double. My son’s a growing boy, so you better all take heed. If he doesn’t get his doughnuts he’ll look elsewhere to feed.

SFX: Stomps and growls are heard. The villagers stagger about the stage as the ogre enters.

Wysteria Ogre

One word from me and Rumbleton will run amok! Human beans. I want to eat human beans!

FX: Lightning. More growls. The villagers exit in chaos. Wysteria cackles as she vanishes offstage. Rory and Jamie are left on stage.

Jamie Rory Jamie Rory Jamie Rory Jamie Rory Jamie Rory

I can’t stand that woman. Me neither. She makes Peppa Pig look like Pippa Middleton. The Princess said she was looking for a hero earlier. That she did. I could be her hero. How? I’ll find a way. I could help. I’ll do it on my own, you dafty. Oooo. Just because you’ve got fancy boots you think you’re the bee’s knees.

Fiona enters looking around.

Jamie

Here she comes now. I’m going to talk to her. 5


Rory Jamie Rory Jamie

We should let the King know she’s safe. Not until I’ve proven to her that I can save the day. She’s going to be the Honest Lass to my Honest Lad before our show’s done… But… I’m your big brother. I’m pulling rank. Now clear off.

Rory milks the audience for sympathy. Jamie approaches Fiona .

Fiona Jamie Fiona Jamie Fiona Jamie Fiona Jamie

You again. You’re Princess Fiona aren’t you? Shush. It’s a secret. I can keep a secret I should be locked up safely inside, but I can’t let that happen. I need to help my father find someone to save the day. I can be your hero! Pull the other one. I can! Please Princess. Sit here next to me for a while. Let me prove to you I’m the person you’re looking for.

MUSIC #6: A SIMPLE SONG FOR JAMIE, FIONA & RORY The music for the song starts and underscores.

Jamie Fiona Jamie Fiona Jamie Fiona Jamie

You see, I believe in a day when this land will be saved from the curse of the witch. You do? Yes. A day when the ogre will no longer be a terrible threat. You do? Yes. A day when Goodwill will be free again I suppose you also believe in a day when money will grow on trees? Now look. I’m not as daft as my brother.

They now sing the song, which needs to be a simple song to make the routine work! Jamie leads Fiona to the low wall, they sit, and he starts serenading her. At some point in the refrain, Rory appears behind the wall, pulls Jamie off it and picks the song up where he left off. The number continues. Jamie pulls Rory off; Rory pulls Fiona off, and the boys find themselves singing to each other. Fiona pulls them both off. All configurations explored! The number ends with the three of them on the wall singing the last line of the number together.

Scene Two A lane in Goodwill. Enter Dame Doris

Doris

Do you like the dress, girls. It was a bargain at Poundstretchers. I call it my credit crunch dress. The fabric’s so flimsy every time I wear it, I freeze my assets.

Enter King Crumble.

Crumble Doris Crumble Doris Crumble Doris Crumble Doris Crumble Doris Crumble

Ah, Dame Doris. How are the doughnuts coming along? I’m off to Tesco again to buy the extra ingredients. You won’t let me or Goodwill down will you? As if I’d do a thing like that. Dame Doris, you are one hundred percent woman. (To the audience). I’ll not spoil the surprise, girls. You have a face that could launch a thousand ships. And you have a face that could fit a thousand chips! Are you a single lady, Dame Doris. I recently dumped my boyfriend. Every time we canoodled he used to shout out: “Junction 29”. It was a very big turn off. Well, I for one am delighted to hear you’re available. 6


Doris and Crumble share another glance. Another ‘ping’ from the pit.

You are? … Girls, I’ve definitely clicked. I haven’t felt like this since Michael McIntyre batted his eyelashes at me.

Doris

MUSIC #7: SHORT COMEDY NUMBER They exit right as Wysteria enters left, watching them.

Wysteria

I knew it. He’s hot to trot for the old Dame. Rumbletum!

The ogre enters, eating a huge prop ice cream cone.

Ogre

Wysteria Ogre Wysteria

I’m busy, mummykins. I’m eating all the ice cream from Tescos and then I’m going to eat all the ice cream from Sainsburys so there won’t be any left at the interval for the boys and girls! Clever boy. (Beat). We have a problem. Dame Doris has turned King Crumble’s head. She can’t have done much for his stomach either. I need to charge up my wand and curse her windmill. I’ll make him change his feelings for her before this day is out. Time is marching on, and my magic is waning. I need to be a wicked queen, and soon!

MUSIC #8: EVIL STING They exit, cackling.

Scene Three Dimple’s windmill. A half set ready for the kitchen scene. There is a solid table in which the ASM is perched ready to deal with the props; and hopefully a door that opens at the back of the set, together with a pantomime-style radio. All other props are mentioned in the scene directions. Enter Jamie.

Jamie

What am I going to do about Princess Fiona ? I’ve told her I can be her hero. But I don’t think I’m up to it. Not on my own!

He takes his boots off. There’s a knock on the door. Fiona enters.

Fiona

Hello? I’m calling on all houses from here to [a town close by], to see if there’s anyone living here to help me defeat Wysteria and the Ogre. (She sees Jamie). Not you again. (She turns to go).

Jamie Fiona Jamie Fiona Jamie Fiona Jamie Fiona Jamie

Please, Princess Fiona . I want to help. I really do. I’m up to the task. I can be to Goodwill what Andy Murray is to Dunblane (or similar celebrity and their town). Are you sure? OK. I admit it. I’m not sure… Well… I admire your honesty. You do? What’s your name? Jamie Dimple. Doesn’t sound much like a hero’s name does it? That doesn’t mean anything. I’d do my best to fight the ogre. I’d do anything for you.

MUSIC #9 : SHORT SNAPPY UPBEAT DUET Jamie and Fiona exit at the end. Rory enters.

Rory

Who’s my mates? (Audience response. He sees Jamie’s boots). Look at this. Big Bro’s boots. (He puts them on. NOTE: If Rory and Jamie have radically different sized feet Jamie will have to put his pair behind the kitchen table where Rory’s pair will be pre-set). Oh they suit me? Don’t you think? I wonder if my dad was right. I wonder if they really are magic?

7


Doris

(Entering). Brace yourself, Rory. We’ve all those doughnuts to make. It’s my baking

Rory Doris

that’s single-handedly keeping the Ogre at bay. Good job I’m a domestos goddess. Everyone says my buns are like Nigella’s. Do you need your recipe book, mum. No. Today I’m going to use that radio cooking show I love.

Doris turns on the radio. A cultured radio voice is heard.

Voice Doris Voice Rory Voice Doris Rory Voice Rory

Greetings, listeners. Bang on time. Welcome to East Coast FM’s favourite cooking show: ‘Baking for Ogres’. Today’s subject is doughnuts. What an amazing coincidence. Today’s cooking is going to be very dramatic. How can cooking be dramatic? Because it has plenty of stirring bits. Our first ingredient… flour. Flour?

The flour sack rises up the side of the bench.

Doris Voice

Self-raising flour. Now, place the flour into the bowl. (Rory does so). And now… a whole bag of sugar.

Rory produces a bag of sugar.

Rory Doris Voice Doris Rory Jamie Rory Jamie Rory Jamie

Ohhh! So that’s where the doughnut gets its hole, is it?! Bung it in. (Rory does so. She stirs in some milk with a huge spoon, then takes out a big lump of dough). Perfect! Now take the dough outside for five minutes. Stay here and touch nothing. (She exits). Oh look, it’s Puss. Come to see if there’s any scraps! (He picks up the puppet from behind the table and heads downstage). Have you missed the boys and girls, Puss? (Entering). What are you doing? Helping mum. You’re wearing my boots. They look better on me than you. So there. I’ve had enough of you messing with my stuff. Come here!

Jamie grabs a large hessian sack and chases Rory. They disappear behind the table. When they emerge, Rory is hopping as he’s standing in the sack.

Rory Jamie

Stop being a meanie, Jamie. Puss is scared of the dark. You’ll stay in the sack until you say you’re sorry.

Jamie drags Rory off pushing him in the sack as they go. SFX: Recorded cat squeal. Wysteria enters with her wand.

MUSIC #10: ‘EVIL’ UNDERSCORING Wysteria

There’s no one about, so I’ll weave my malevolent spell, and thwart Dame Doris. The King won’t want her when she’s an old croak. May my rotten witchy ways curse this abode As I turn Dame Doris Dimple into a toad.

Wysteria points her wand and exits. FX/SFX: lighting and sound effects. Jamie enters with an identical sack containing Crumble. The sack shudders.

8


Jamie

Voice Doris

What happened? (The audience will shout ‘Witch’). The witch? I’m sure Wysteria wasn’t here. I must be imagining things. I’m just in time for my favourite sports programme on the radio. (There is a muffled yell from the sack). I’ve told you, Rory; you’re not coming out until you’re sorry! (He goes and fiddles with the radio dial). Now for our daily exercise programme: ‘Limber Up, The Goodwill Way. Now I want you all to get hold of a rubber ball… (Entering with the ball of dough). That’s the dough rested. I wonder what I have to do next? (She does the following, as Jamie watches, bemused).

Voice Doris Voice Doris Voice

Doris Jamie Doris Jamie

First, lift it above your head. That’s right. As far as you can reach. Now spin around. Now touch your toes with it. That’s right. All the way, fatty. How very rude. And now sit on it. Are you sure? Just do as I say. (Doris does so). And bounce up and down on it to your heart’s content. (Doris does so). And finally, stand up and swing it about. Let yourself go! (She does and the dough stretches. She lets go and it hits Jamie). And that concludes today’s exercises. What? Exercises? (To Jamie). Where’s Rory? I don’t know. Did you fiddle with my radio? No. Honest.

Doris produces a custard pie from under the table or the wings.

Doris Crumble Fiona Crumble Jamie

Come here, you tinker. (She chases Jamie with the custard pie. They reach the sack. It opens and out steps King Crumble. Doris hits him in the face with the pie). King Crumble! What’s happening? (Entering). What are you doing here, father? More to the point… what are you doing here?! And what’s happened to Rory!

Rory appears in the auditorium. He’s now part human, part cat and still in Jamie’s favourite foot wear… Puss In Boots is in town!

Rory

I’m here, I’m here! Who’s my mates?!

Audience response. Rory gets up onto the stage the others are horrified. Doris grabs a broom.

Doris Jamie Rory

It’s a hideous beastie! Stay away from us, you beast. What!?! I’m not a beastie. I’m Rory. Your little boy. I was in that sack with Puss and I went all fizzy. I think that wicked old witch was here and she cast a spell and… wait a minute… where’s Puss?… and hang on… Oh no! I’ve got a tail! Mummy!

He rushes to Doris, arms outstretched. She stops him.

Doris

Jamie Doris Crumble Fiona Crumble Jamie Crumble

I’m not your mummy. My dough’s ruined so I can’t make the doughnuts to feed Ogre Rumbletum, I’ve shoved a pie in King Crumble’s face and it’s all your fault! I think I’m going to faint. I need brandy. We haven’t got any brandy. No brandy, no faint! Dame Doris you’ve let me down. And why is Princess Fiona here? I can explain, father… I asked anyone who saw her to let me know. But I’m going to try and help you. I’ve had all the help I need from you and your mother. There are no doughnuts, you’ve kidnapped my daughter and you’re harbouring a monstrosity. 9


Rory Crumble

I’m telling you it’s me… Rory ! You could have brought ruination to the whole town. I’ve no alternative but to evict you from this windmill and banish you from Goodwill.

Doris, Jamie and Rory all wail.

Fiona Crumble Doris Jamie Doris Rory

Don’t do that, father. You’re coming back with me to the palace. (He drags Fiona off). My beautiful home. I’ve not been so shocked since I was mistaken for Susan Boyle. Don’t cry mother It’ll be alright. Somehow. What’ll young Rory say? We’ll sort it out mum, I promise.

Beat.

Doris Rory Doris Jamie Rory Doris

What are you still doing here? I told you. I’m Rory. I’ve got a fuzzy face and I’d shave it… but I can’t. Because eight out of ten cats prefer whiskers! You’re no son of mine. You’re some wicked sprite sent by Wysteria to ruin everything. But I’m not. You’ve done your worst. Now scram, and leave my windmill. Go on! Go!

Doris chases Rory with her broom. Mournful music. Jamie comforts Doris. Rory walks into the next scene.

Scene Four A lane. FX/SFX: Thunder and lightning. LX: rain effect. Rory (as Puss) is alone and very scared.

Rory

Cat 1 Rory Cat 1 All Cats Rory Cat 2 Rory Cat 3 All Cats Cat 4 Cat 5 Rory Cat 3 Cat 6 Rory All Cats

What am I going to do, boys and girls? Because of Wysteria’s spell I’ve upset my mum; I’ve lost us our home. It’s CATastrophic. It’s CATaclysmic! (Beat). Hang on. I’m too daft to know big words like that… what’s happening to me? (A burst of ‘Everybody Wants To Be A Cat’ is heard, followed by SFX: pre-recorded children’s giggles). What was that noise? (Another burst of music is heard, followed by SFX: pre-recorded meows). There it is again. (Cats start to appear). It’s a load of little pussycats, boys and girls. Welcome Rory! Did you just speak? Yes. I’m the leader of… The clan of incredible cats! Fancy that! Wysteria’s spell went wrong, but it was lucky for you. I’m half boy, half cat! How’s that lucky. Because it’s helped you meet… The clan of incredible cats! You have the power within you to defeat the witch. And save your family. How? Wait a minute. Is it the boots? Are they magic after all? Something like that. Now you are one of us! But I don’t want to be a cat! Everybody wants to be a cat!

MUSIC #11: ‘EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE A CAT’ (FROM ‘THE ARISTOCRATS’) A big swingy version of the Disney classic from ‘The Aristocats’. Rory gains enthusiasm and joins in a refrain. The number breaks and the cats drag Rory offstage. 10


Scene Five The Forest of Carabas. The feline spirits are discovered on stage Either they dance a big tap refrain of Music #11 and the music then underscores the dialogue (preferred), or simply let the music continue and underscore the dialogue. The Cats lead Rory back on. They carry Puss In Boots’ hat, cape and sword. The cats present him with the cape, hat and sword. The feline spirits frame him. (Antonio Banderas eat your heart out!)

Rory Felix

Where did you get these, then… from a catalogue? From now on you’re…

Big drum roll…

All Cats Felix Rory

All Cats

Puss In Boots. The hero Goodwill so desperately needs. Look at me, boys and girls. Now I’m the canniest, cleverest most cunning cat in the Kingdom. I’m going to use my wily ways to defeat Wysteria the Witch and get my family untold riches along the way. I’m Puss In Boots! Hurrah!

One final verse of the song is sung, and all exit except for Felix and Rory. Felix tugs at Rory’s cloak.

Felix Rory Felix Rory

Be brave Puss in Boots. I certainly shall! I’m going to make sure my newfound feline ways catapult me to fame! The Clan of Incredible Cats will be close at hand when you need us. (Exits). Well fancy this. One moment a daft young boy, and now thanks to the magic boots I’m an incredible cat! Now let me paws for thought. How to use my new found powers?

Enter Jamie and Doris. Doris is in a large colourful cape with her transformation frock underneath. Jamie has a Dick Whittington style knapsack over his shoulder. They don’t see Rory.

Doris Jamie Rory

I’ve not been this upset since I got thrown off ‘How To Look Good Naked’. (Audience reaction). Watch it you lot… Mum, we’d better keep going. We’ll head for the mountains, we don’t want to be lost in the Forest of Carabas when night falls. Helloo!

Jamie and Doris scream.

Jamie Rory

Doris Jamie

You again. Please Mum! Jamie! It’s me! Who’s my mates, boys and girls! (Audience response). See! They know it’s me! Only I’m not daft anymore. (With a swagger). I’m an invincible cat, with amazing skills and tremendous guile. I’d be the cat’s whiskers, if the cat’s whiskers weren’t actually attached to me. In my magic boots I’m unbeatable, unstoppable and indefatigable… (Interrupting). You sound like Simon Cowell, dear. Too big for your boots. Boys and girls, is he telling the truth?

Audience reaction is a resounding yes!

Rory Jamie Rory

Doris

And I’m going to save the day. How? Well, I could, like you, say I’m going to defeat Wysteria by myself. And I could if I wanted to. But my cat-like cunning tells me such selfishness is for humans. We’ll defeat these Goodwill meanies together. You, and me big brother! (SFX: Fanfare). Here comes King Crumble. Now do as I say. Hide yourself, mother. Right. I’ll be off for a tramp in the forest. Knowing my luck he’ll get away, girls.

Doris exits. Rory turns to Jamie.

Rory

Do you promise to trust me? 11


Jamie Rory Jamie Rory

Yes. Take your clothes off In front of the boys and girls? Of course not. Do you want to get us shut down? Get into the wings.

Jamie exits. Duplicates of his clothes are thrown on stage and Rory catches them. Perhaps a big pair of bloomers which Rory will react to!

Jamie

(Offstage). Hoy! Look the other way will you? (Rory throws the clothes into the orchestra pit). What are you doin’?

Rory Jamie Rory

Now slip into the river. (Offstage). You know I can’t swim! Trust me Jamie. Get into the river! (SFX: a splash offstage is heard, followed by a howl from Jamie). And now for the first stage of my scheme to transform Jamie into the Marquis of Carabas. It’s amazing. I know exactly what to do without even trying. These magic boots are brilliant!

Rory darts offstage as Crumble and Fiona enter. She is now dressed as a princess.

Fiona Crumble

But I don’t want to visit my Auntie in Aberystwyth. I can’t trust you, so you’re going into hiding.

Rory darts back on in mock horror.

Rory Crumble Rory Jamie Rory Fiona Crumble Rory

Help! My master’s gone for a swim in the river and some robbers have stolen his clothes. And who are you? The fabulous Puss In Boots. And my master is fabled in these parts. (Offstage). Help! That’s him busy drowning. Do something, father! We’ll take your master back to the Palace and find him new clothes. (Calling offstage). You hear that? Out you hop!

Rory throws his hat into the wings. Jamie enters in flesh coloured pants holding the hat strategically placed.

Crumble Rory Fiona Rory Crumble Rory Jamie Crumble Rory Fiona Jamie

Good gracious me! It’s Prince Harry! Not quite. May I introduce the Marquis of Carabas. (Seeing it’s Jamie). Hang on a minute. Aren’t you… (Interrupting). The Marquis of Carabas! Yes! He’s well known for his good deeds and vast wealth. Wealth? Goodwill needs that. The Marquis is regarded as a hero in the four corners of the world. I am? (Rory nudges him). Yes I am. You don’t have any work going for heroes do you? Well, as it happens, we’ve a bit of bother with an ogre. Ogres are his speciality. And a wicked witch. I’ll deal with her in a trice.

MUSIC #13 : ‘THE JELLICLE BALL’ The music underscores as The Clan Of Incredible Cats enter.

Rory

Jamie

And what is more, my Master the Marquis is magic. This is his forest, and because of your kindness, offering him help in his hour of need, he will now show you its true splendour. (The cats hold Fiona and Crumble’s hands, to which they react). Have no fear. The Clan of Incredible Cats will lead you to the magic pool at the heart of the Forest of Carabas. What’s happening Rory? I’m a bit scared. 12


I said trust me! (The cats lead Fiona and Crumble’s offstage, followed by Jamie). Now boots, do your best! (He exits).

Rory

This is a quick scene change. The dancers enter as forest nymphs as the music builds. They dance for a few bars.

Scene Six The Magic Pool. Ideally the set will include a waterfall effect glitter curtain for the characters to step through. The music builds, the dancers dance for a few more bars until the clan of incredible cats lead Crumble and Fiona onstage. They’re entranced. Rory appears through the waterfall.

Your royal highnesses… my master, the Marquis of Carabas.

Rory

Jamie appears, now in flashy clothes, and goes to Fiona.

Fiona Jamie Rory

I knew it. It is you, Jamie! Shush. (He stops her speaking with a kiss). And now for the mother of the Marquis…

Doris appears through the waterfall in a spectacular frock, preferably white and sequinned.

Doris Rory Doris Rory Crumble Doris Crumble

It’s not fair. I want to be a Marquis too. In that dress you’re practically a marquee. Cheeky chops! Introducing the Marchioness of Carabas! What a woman! Look at me! Goodwill hasn’t seen as much bling since Julie Goodyear went into the Big Brother house! Marquis, do you promise to rid Goodwill of the evil Wysteria?

Jamie is uncertain. Rory nudges him.

Rory Crumble Jamie Fiona

No problem. He’s got three gold stars on every level of Angry Birds. Your reward for saving Goodwill will be to become the town’s Honest Lad. And who will be by Honest Lass? Who do you think?

MUSIC #14 : A ROMANTICALLY INCLINED BIG PRODUCTION SONG (LED BY JAMIE AND FIONA) At some point in the song there needs to be a break. As the cast move towards creating a ‘picture’ for the end of Act One, Wysteria and Rumbletum enter, unseen.

Wysteria Ogre Wysteria Ogre Wysteria

What’s going on? Dame Doris should be croaking like a toad! Fiddlesticks! My powers have failed me again. And it looks like there’s a hero in town too. This isn’t your day. But what’s that? A cat in magic boots? A cat in magic boots! I want one! I want one! I want those boots! They will be mine. (She growls) .You haven’t seen the last of me! Being rather wicked is what I’m all about. So I promise here and now, Wyseteria’s down but not out!

Wysterian and the Ogre exit in a rage. The song now reaches its climax.

END OF ACT ONE INTERVAL MUSIC #15 : ENTR’ACTE

13


ACT TWO Scene One Wysteria’s witchery. The Entr’acte ends with evil chords. Wysteria enters in a cape and half mask, beneath which she has removed her false nose etc to make herself beautiful. Rumbletum follows her.

Wysteria Ogre Wysteria

Ogre Wysteria Ogre Wysteria

It’s me, snivelling; Wysteria! It’s me. I’m in disguise. Have you missed me? Shut your faces! I’m hungry mummy! I’m hungry! I know my boy. The fools at the Palace have forgotten us. They think they’ve found a hero in that fancy-pants Marquis of Carabas. They’re even throwing him a masked ball. I know he’s really that silly Dame Doris’s son. And thanks to my magic gone wrong she’s living it up with the King! Curses! I’m going to gate-crash the ball, reveal the truth, and while I’m there I’ll grab the chance to throttle that talking Puss. Maybe his fancy footwear will give your powers a much needed boost! Your magic’s rubbish! When I get the boots dear, do you know the first thing I’ll do? No mummy, I don’t. I’ll kick you all the way home. Off with you! (She hits Rumbletum and he flees). Buckle up kiddiewinks… With a click of my stilettos and a dollop’s worth of malice, I command my wand to fly us away to the palace!

The cloth rises or the tabs open as Wysteria leads us into…

Scene Two The palace of Goodwill.

MUSIC #16 : A ‘GOING-TO-A-PARTY’ SONG [JAMIE, FIONA & CHORUS] Wysteria mingles with the crowd before exiting. All are in masks. Fiona and Jamie lead them in the number.

Fiona Jamie

So are you going to tell my father you’re really Jamie Dimple and not the Marquis of Carabas. He’d throw us out the Palace. And something magical is happening, Fiona . It’s since my brother turned into Puss In Boots. I know that together we’ll defeat the Witch and her son.

The king enters to cheers.

Crumble All Crumble

Welcome to my party in honour of the Marquis of Carabas. He’s going to save the day. Hurrah! But where’s that magnificent Marchioness?

MUSIC #17 : ‘STRICTLY COME DANCING’ THEME [FIRST FEW BARS ONLY] Music plays. On dances Doris in a ballgown.

Doris

Crumble Doris Crumble Doris Crumble Doris

Here I am. Goodwill’s answer to Darcy Bussell! Cor…You should see the spread they’ve put on for us! Cakes, sandwiches, bottles of Irn Bru. It’s phenomenal! They’ve even got those pink wrinkly things on sticks. Sausages? No. Pensioners. You look ravishing, Marchioness. Indeed I do. Men call me diva, women call me devil, police call me… daily. I hope you don’t mind me asking when did you last enjoy some canoodling ? 1945. 14


Crumble Doris

That long ago? It’s only 20.30 now… … Think about it, girls. As it happens, Kingy, I’m young, free and single. Well single anyway… I was dating a Dutchman with inflatable shoes. But sadly he’s popped his clogs.

Crumble kisses her hand, and then all the way up her arm. He stops…

Crumble Doris

Just a minute… Don’t I know you from somewh…? (Interrupting). Quickly band… start playing!

MUSIC #18 : ‘STRICTLY COME DANCING’ THEME [LONGER VERSION] Doris spins Crumble away, dancing. Enter Rory.

Who’s me mates!

Rory

Doris grabs him and spins him into her. The music stops.

Doris Rory Doris

Will you be Johnny Ball to my Jerry Hall? Do I have a choice? (To that man in the audience). Tough luck buster! Music maestro please! MUSIC #19 : A STRICT TEMPO COMEDY DANCE NUMBER

Rory and Doris perform a short comedy ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ routine (to the show’s theme music?). At the end, others on stage hold up score cards. The chorus exit. Crumble spins Doris round and she’s the last to exit. The music finishes with the ‘Strictly’ sting. Rory is now alone.

I think I’ve just lost eight of my lives.

Rory Wysteria enters.

MUSIC # 20 : SINISTER MUSIC The music underscores.

Wysteria Rory Wysteria Rory Wysteria Rory Wysteria Rory

I couldn’t help admiring your grace and style on the dance floor. Thank you, madam. Puss In Boots at your service. Would you like to join me in a quick catwalk? With pleasure. But they’re very big boots aren’t they? And I have such delicate little feet. What if you were to tread on them? My dexterity is renowned. I’d never do that. It’s too big a risk. My tootsies are tiny. Take your boots off, Puss. Take them off. (To the audience). Should I, boys and girls? She seems like such a nice lady and I would hate to tread on her toes. Should I? It can’t do any harm.

Rory takes his boots off and puts them in the wings. In that instant, Wysteria whisks of her disguise. Under her cape she’s wearing an identical pair of boots.

Wysteria Rory

And now your precious boots belong to me. No. What have I done? Without the boots I’ll no longer be magic. I’ll no longer be clever. I’m a stupid moggy. A daft boy again!

Wysteria laughs as others enter. The music stops.

Jamie Wysteria

What are you doing here? Be careful… Jamie Dimple!

General reaction.

Crumble Doris Wysteria

But Jamie Dimple’s been banished. This is the Marquis of Carabas. Wait. It is you! Please King Crumble. We can explain…. You’ve been duped, people of Goodwill. This boy’s no hero. 15


Jamie Rory Wysteria

Do something, Rory. I can’t. Not without my boots. The magic in the boots now belongs to me. Look! It’s already working. I’m beautiful again.

Beat.

Sorry, petal. You’ve still got a look of Anne Widdicomb to me! Can’t tell the difference. Can anybody else?

Doris

General “no’s” all round.

Wysteria Doris

I am beautiful! Oh no you’re not.

Business. Wysteria stops it with a snarl.

Wysteria

I’m taking the King back to my lair, where he will finally marry me. Ooooooh! Rumbletum!

Rumbletum enters. Screams and chaos ensue as he grabs King Crumble.

Ogre Fiona Crumble Wysteria Crumble

My new daddy! When do I get to eat him? Father! Don’t worry about me Fiona … Do worry about him. Really do! As long as I have the boots, nobody can stop me! The Dimple family tricked us!

The villians drag him off. The people at the palace are in uproar they shout at Jamie Rory and Doris. Fiona stops them.

Fiona Doris Fiona Jamie Rory

People of Goodwill. Jamie Dimple may not be the Marquis of Carabis, but he and Puss In Boots can still save us. In my heart of hearts I know they can. So do I! They’re my lovely boys and they’ve finally made me proud. They’ll help me save my father, and finish the witch off, once and for all. We will! We will! (He nudges the silent Rory). Come on Rory. But I’m no longer Puss In Boots. My father’s boots have gone. They gave me my powers. They were magic all along.

Beat.

Jamie Rory Doris Rory Jamie Rory

No they weren’t. He always said they were. That was your father for you. Always making things up. Away with the fairies, half of the time. It’s no good. We need you, Rory. I’m not clever any more. If only my friends were here: The Clan of Incredible Cats.

MUSIC #21 : ENTRY OF THE CATS The Clan Of Incredible Cats enter, to suitable reaction from the crowd.

Felix Rory Felix Fiona Doris

We said we’d never be far away. I’ve made a silly mistake. I’ve lost my boots. Believe in yourself, Puss. He’s right. You can still be a hero if you believe in yourself. You can do it Rory, my little cherub.

The others say: “Yes, yes, yes…” and “Come on, Rory”. He stands centre stage, as he makes a decision.

MUSIC #22 : DRUM ROLL 16


The drum roll stops.

Rory All Jamie Rory All Rory All Rory All

Alright. I’ll try! Hurrah! So what do we do? We’ll storm Wysteria’s Witchery. Hurrah! We’ll save King Crumble from the wicked crone’s clutches. And we won’t be afraid of any ogre. Hurrah! We’ll all live happily ever after! Hurrah!

MUSIC # 23 : REPRISE OF ‘WE NEED A HERO’ [OR OTHER SUITABLE HEROIC ANTHEM] The Dame exits to change at a suitable point during the song. At the end of the song, scene change to front cloth.

Scene Three A lane in Goodwill.

Fiona Jamie Fiona Jamie Fiona Jamie Fiona

And when we get back safe and sound, I’ve decided something, Jamie Dimple. You have? I’m going to marry you! You are? Now quickly. My father’s more precious to me than anything. I promise you we’ll bring him back. (He kisses her and exits). We’re coming to get you, Dad. Wysteria’s going to be sorry.

MUSIC #24 : A WISTFUL LOVE SONG [FOR FIONA, ABOUT JAMIE]

Scene Four Wysteria’s witchery.

MUSIC #25 : CREEPY UNDERSCORING. Rory and Jamie enter. A bench has been set downstage for the ghost gag.

Rory Jamie Rory

Who’s me mates! (Business with audience). No sign of the witch. (Sniffing). My cat senses tell me she’s gone further into her castle.

SFX (or Doris): a ghostly warble offstage is heard.

Jamie Rory

I reckon this place is haunted. My cat senses tell me, yes it is.

They both yell.

Doris Jamie

(Offstage). Yoo hoo!

The ghostie’s getting closer

Doris enters in suitably outrageous frock. Jamie and Rory yell and run about.

Doris Jamie Doris Rory Doris

It’s me, silly boys. Have you both got mashed potato for brains? (She produces a stuffed bird, or bird toy, and uses it like a phone). So here we are, off to save King Crumble. Mum… Shush… I can’t wait to give Wysteria a knuckle sandwich… Mum!! Will you two stop interrupting. Can’t you see I’m busy tweeting! (She throws the prop into the pit or offstage). 17


Rory Doris Jamie Doris Rory Doris

Jamie Doris Rory Jamie

Where’ve you been, mummy? I had to pop to [insert name of local garden centre] and you’ll never guess who I saw there… Michael J Fox! Michael J Fox? Yes, Michael J Fox. How did you know it was Michael J Fox? Because he had his back to the fuchsias… Oh, suit yourselves. So this is Wysteria’s Witchery, eh? Well I’ll tell you one thing. She didn’t get her soft furnishings at [insert name of suitable local shop] . (SFX: A ghostly wail is heard. All react and sit on the bench, Doris in the middle). Is that what I think it is? It’s a ghost. Nonsense, there’s no such things as ghosts. (She adlibs while a ghost pops up from behind the bench, to the usual audience reaction). Blimey, it’s noisy in here tonight! What was that? There was a ghost? (More audience reaction). No… ghosts are only in fairy stories! Look, if it comes back, you’d better warn us by shouting out loudly.

The ghost pops up again, then disappears.

What was that you said? It’s behind us? (The audience agrees as the ghost pops up again). Well, we’d better have a look, hadn’t we. (The ghost disappears as she, Jamie and Rory all turn round to look). No, there’s nothing there.

Doris

The ghost pops up again, then disappears. Audience reaction.

Well, we’d better have another look then…

Rory

They turn, no ghost!

Doris Jamie

You’re having us on! Pull the other one! (To Doris and Rory). I’ll look this time, you keep your eye on that lot!

Doris and Rory concentrate on the audience as Jamie stands up and moves towards the back of the bench. The ghost pops up. Jamie turns to see it, and, in alarm, is chased off by it, upstage. The ghost returns and disappears behind the bench.

Rory

(Seeing that Jamie has left them). Well, blow me down, where’s my silly-billy brother gone now? (The audience tell him). He was frightened by a ghost and ran away? Well, we can’t have that, can we? (To Doris). You make sure that lot’s all right and I’ll have a look… I’m … (His bravado starts to fail him). I’m not frightened of any old ghosts.

Rory stands up and moves towards the back of the bench. The ghost pops up. Rory turns to see it, and, in alarm, is chased off by it, upstage. The ghost returns and disappears behind the bench.

Doris

(Seeing that both Rory and Jamie have gone). Well! How rude, they’ve left their dear old

mum all alone. Has X-Factor started? Did you see where they went? Over there? Up the stairs? No… there are no stairs here… stars maybe! (She preens herself as the ghost pops up). What? The ghost? It’s behind me again! Right, I’ve had enough of this! (She stands up and searches to the side and round behind the bench as the ghost mirrors her on the other side and round the front. She doesn’t see the ghost, and they both end up in their original positions). I didn’t see anything! Doris sits as the ghost pops up. Audience reaction. She stands and turns as the ghost disappears. This is repeated a few times to get the timing right, at which point she remains seated, as the ghost pops up. Doris then stands up. The ghost sees her, is horrified and runs off wailing.

Doris

Charming! (She exits). MUSIC #26 : COMEDY STING 18


Scene Five In front of a black gauze or tabs. Wysteria is discovered on stage.

MUSIC #27 : ‘THESE BOOTS WERE MADE FOR WALKING’ [WYSTERIA] At the end of the number the black gauze rises (or tabs open) to reveal the laboratory of spells. The interior of a cave, within which is a ghoulish laboratory-like cavern. There is a cauldron-like contraption upstage centre which serves as cell, and later, a transformation chamber. King Crumble is peeping out of a small barred porthole in the contraption.

Wysteria Crumble Wysteria

Ogre Wysteria Crumble Ogre Wysteria

Crumble Wysteria Crumble

You’re just in time for my Big Fat Witchy Wedding! (Taking in the surroundings). So this is what happened to the Olympic Stadium? Rumbletum! Bring forth the bridegroom. (Rumbletum drags Crumble out of the contraption). Welcome to the heart of the Castle, my Laboratory of Spells… where I keep my toad’s eyes, my bat’s wings, poisonous potions, bottled nightmares… all the stuff a witch needs to make folk shudder and scream. Such a romantic setting for a wedding don’t you think? You’re going to be my new daddy! He’s right. You’re about to become my fourth husband. What happened to the others? The first one ate poisoned mushrooms. The second one ate poisoned mushrooms. The third one fell down the stairs. Well, he wouldn’t eat the poisoned mushrooms! Everything’s prepared. The ancient rules of witchdom say I can carry out the wedding ceremony myself. So are you ready to say I do? Never. We don’t have to be married for long, dear. As soon as I’m promoted to Wicked Queen I’ll feed you to my beautiful little boy. (She tickles Rumbletum under the chin, who giggles). Nooooo!

Enter Fiona and Jamie.

Fiona Wysteria

Let him go! I might have known you two wouldn’t be far away. Boys and girls, I’m going to save you from anymore soppy bits. Rumbletum! Destroy them!

Rumbletum advances on Jamie and Fiona. Enter Doris.

It’s me. Your mummy! Pompoms at the ready. You’ve heard of the Glasgow Kiss? Prepare yourself, Rumbletum, for a Goodwill Cuddle.

Doris

Doris battles Rumbletum, and has him on his knees in no time.

Ogre Doris Jamie Wysteria

Don’t hurt me! Mummy help! He’s nothing but a big softie. He was never a threat to Goodwill after all, was he? No. But I am… (She swings Crumble round and grabs his hand). I do. He does! There! The wedding is done! (She produces a crown, plonks it on her head, and scores ‘one up’). And once again, I’m a Wicked Queen. The power’s surging through me! This wicked witch is back in business!

MUSIC #28 : BIG DRAMATIC CHORDS. Crumble joins the others as Rory enters with some of the villagers.

Rory Wysteria

Not so fast, Wysteria. Purrrrfect timing you feeble feline. I’m about to unleash the full wrath of my new found magical powers. (She threatens them with her wand). 19


All Rory Others Rory Wysteria Rory Wysteria Rory Wysteria

Ooooooh! OK, OK! You win. What? (Aside). Trust me. (To Wysteria). Since we are doomed, grant us one last wish. Why should I? Surely you want to show us how powerful you are before we get squished? Good idea, silly Puss. Any requests? Any favourite spells? Turn yourself into an animal. Very well. With the help of my amazing laboratory of spells I’ll become a creature befitting the might of my magic. (She turns with her wand). I’ll astonish and amaze and I’ll hardly be tryin’ Behold foolish humans as I turn into…… (She exits. FX: Pyro or lighting effect. A lion appears, or a lions paw appears at the porthole in the contraption. The rest of Wysteria’s dialogue should be pre-recorded).

… a lion!!! If a lion costume proves to be elusive, make a thing of it being in the wings. Doris can come down to the audiencee and comment: “Well, what do you expect on the budget the producer’s given us”.

Wysteria

(Recorded). By the ways of ancient witchdom,

I’ve truly done my best. I’m the queen of the jungle! Aren’t you all impressed? (She roars loudly). Everyone screams. Rory shushes them. Beat.

Rory Wysteria Doris Rory Wysteria Rory Wysteria Jamie Wysteria

Not really. No (Recorded). Whhhaaaaat! (She roars again). (To Rory). Don’t get her knickers in a knot, dear. Well, any evil queen can turn themselves into something big and brutish. (Recorded). I demand that you are impressed! I’ll tell you how you can do that. It takes greater skill to become a tinier creature. Wouldn’t you say? (Recorded). Well… Go on Wysteria. Give it a bash. (Recorded. Another Roar). You’re all fools to doubt me! Just to prove I’m the biggest baddest witch in the house I’ll summon up a secret spell so I become… (FX: flash. The lion exits, or the paw is withdrawn. Wysteria squeaks).

…a mouse! A ‘mouse’ runs across the top of the door to the contraption.

Fiona

Quickly! Grab her!

Rory pounces. He produces a fluffy toy mouse and holds it aloft.

Ogre Wysteria Rory Wysteria Rory

Wysteria

A mouse! Noooooo! (Recorded). Let me goooooo! Now who’s the silly one? You should know there’s nothing a Puss likes more for a snack than a mouse. (Recorded). Noooooo But I’m not going to eat you. (Calling off). Friends! (The Clan Of Incredible Cats enter. Felix holds up a cage). You can stay in here ‘til you learn to be good. (He pops the mouse into the cage). (Recorded). Letmeoutletmeoutletmeout! 20


Jamie Rory

(Going over to Rory). Rory you’ve done it.

We did it together!

Rory and Jamie hug.

Crumble Fiona All Rory All Rory Felix All Jamie Fiona All Crumble Doris All Rory Doris

Wysteria

Puss has saved the day. Even without his boots! Hurrah! The magic and cleverness was never in the boots was it? No. I wanted it to be there so much, even Wysteria believed it was. (Tugging at Rory’s cape). The magic was always in you. Hurrah! Now let’s get back to the Palace. Jamie and me are getting married. Hurrah! You’re not the only ones Can you believe it? I’m going to be Mrs Queen. Sorry, (to the man in audience) but better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Hurrah! Hang on! I’m going all fizzy again. Wysteria’s spell is wearing off. I think I must be turning back into a boy. Lets get back to the windmill and we’ll find that big soppy ogre on the way. He’s going to need a new mummy. One who’ll teach him better manners. (She belches). Better out than in. (Recorded). But what about me!

Beat.

Doris Wysteria Rory

I know! You can be the ring bearer at me and Crumble’s wedding! (Recorded). Nooooooo See you later, boys and girls.

Exit Doris and Rory.

Crumble All Jamie Fiona

All our troubles are over thanks to the Dimple family. Hurrah! I can’t believe it. We did it! Goodwill is finally free. This is the happiest day of our lives!

MUSIC #29 : A BIG PRODUCTION NUMBER (POSSIBLY ‘MR BLUE SKY’ BY ELECTRIC LIGHT ORCHESTRA) Jamie and Fiona lead A spirited song and dance routine.

Scene Five The sing-song, with Rory and Doris. A lane in Goodwill. Rory enters with the puppet puss.

Rory

Who’s my mates! (Audience response). I’m daft and proud to be. But now I know I can be clever if I want. And look… Puss is back to normal, too. But Felix the cat tells me we can become Puss In Boots again if we want to. I just have to make a wish! I’ll be Goodwill’s very own super hero!

Doris enters in a dressing gown covering her finale costume.

Doris Rory Doris

Not if it gets in the way of your school work! Mum! Only teasing! Isn’t my little boy lovely. (Audience replies ‘yes’, hopefully). And we have lots of other lovely people in today… 21


Doris and Rory do the Birthday callouts etc.

While everyone’s getting ready for Jamie and Fiona ’s wedding let’s make a break with panto tradition, Mum. Let’s sing a song… I know the perfect one. This is a little number I used to sing to your daddy!

Rory Doris

Doris and Rory do the singing competition routine with the songsheet.

MUSIC #30 : THE SINGING COMPETITION SONG Doris exits after the competition.

Scene Six The wedding at the Palace.

MUSIC #31 : WALK-DOWN AND CALLS The tabs open or the cloth rises. The chorus are discovered on stage and take their bows, followed by Crumble, Ogre Rumbletum, Wysteria, Dame Doris, Rory (as Puss In Boots).

Rory

Three cheers boys and girls, for Jamie and Fiona.

Jamie and Fiona enter and walk into the line up.

Crumble Wysteria Doris Ogre Jamie Fiona Doris Rory All

Our pantomime is over, and the story now is done. And because my plans all failed I hope you didn’t have much fun. Who’d have thought the day would come, I would find myself a queen! I can think of plenty jokes ‘bout that, but none of them are clean. Evil was only conquered once we brothers were in cahoots. So always think of the tale of the Puss and his pair of sparkling boots May the New Year bring you joy my, dears… … and lots of jolly good health. And remember that real magic only lives within yourself.

MUSIC #32 : FINAL REPRISE OF ‘EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE A CAT’. Exeunt.

THE END

22

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Puss In Boots (Meeks)  

The timeless tale of the Rory, a daft boy who is mysteriously turned into a cunning cat and then outwits the wicked witch Wysteria who is ma...

Puss In Boots (Meeks)  

The timeless tale of the Rory, a daft boy who is mysteriously turned into a cunning cat and then outwits the wicked witch Wysteria who is ma...

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