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breaths as unresolved grief manifests in my dreams. And how will I maintain this composed facade when I am forced to work where I spent my darkest days? How will I offer hope and support to patient’s families as they stand where I stood only six months prior? Will I truly be able to suppress my emotions when I’m surrounded by the hospital staff who revealed my worst fears? The pressure to overcome my grief grows with each day as I prepare for third-year clinical rotations, but I am only human, bound by the constraints of my own emotional intelligence. Time may lessen my sorrow, but bereavement is not linear and does not succumb to one’s own will-power, despite my greatest efforts. My mother often reminds me that it’s okay to not be okay. Life has a way of bringing us to our knees no matter how hard we fight to stand. Perhaps this is God’s way of humbling us in our hubris, reminding us of our weakness and inevitable end. Or, perhaps falling to our knees isn’t a weakness but rather an epiphany of selfrealization and perspective. I miss my father. He had a simplicity that suggested humble beginnings, yet displayed a deep understanding of human emotion and suffering which he used to comfort and inspire others. He maintained a positive attitude even when times looked bleak and offered sound advice when I needed guidance. Now he is gone, and with him, his wisdom and comforting counsel. Like most young adults, I feel like a child trying to navigate an adult world. I must now create a future filled with his absence. He will not see me fulfill my 18-year dream of becoming a physician and my children will never know him. I will never hear his voice again except through the memories I hold dear. I miss him and

Britteny and her father, Vance J. Graves

am devastated by a future without him, but this is my life. This is one of many likely moments in life that will bring me to my knees and no amount of forced smiles, passed tests, or necessary suppression will change that. I am not okay and it’s okay to not be okay.

SSVMS Summer and Fall Upcoming Events JUL 25

Confident Re�rement, Re�ring on Your Own Terms Webinar

3rd Annual Joy of Medicine Summit SEPT Clunie Community Center- Sacramento, CA 28

OCT 25-27

AUG 22

Market Vola�lity & Outlook Webinar

OCT 17

Colorectal Cancer Best Prac�ces CME Michael Po�er, MD, UCSF Sierra Sacramento Valley Medical Society

CMA House of Delegates Disneyland, Anaheim, CA To RSVP contact Mei Lin Jackson at mjackson@ssvms.org or (916) 452-2671.

July/August 2019

25

Profile for Sierra Sacramento Valley Medical Society

2019-Jul/Aug - SSV Medicine  

Sierra Sacramento Valley Medicine is the official journal of the Sierra Sacramento Valley Medical Society (SSVMS) and promotes the history,...

2019-Jul/Aug - SSV Medicine  

Sierra Sacramento Valley Medicine is the official journal of the Sierra Sacramento Valley Medical Society (SSVMS) and promotes the history,...