Sanchez: The Man, The Moustache
By: David “ Call Me Kitty”Page
I find that the most puzzling question that any new frosh to the Science faculty at Western should be asking is why we have a mustached sex doll filled with sand, wearing tighty-whities as our mascot. Well let me tell you my friends, this is no mere sex doll, it is a raging icon of science, a figure we should all look up to and be inspired by. To try to explain the origins of Sanchez would be an exercise in futility, for you read this upon mere paper, not leather bound manuscript, as the correct story deserves. I can, however, highlight each of Sanchez’s features in a possibly witty and clever manner relating to science. Let us begin at the most noticeable feature of Sanchez. You know which part I refer to, the part without which no male sex doll would be complete. I speak of course of the porn star moustache. Now you may be thinking: “How could a simple moustache possibly relate
to science?” The most obvious answer is of course it relates to the people. Scientists are by nature very unkempt people; most of their time is occupied by the study of unimportant, but nonetheless time consuming activities. This leaves very little time for personal hygiene and grooming. Young scientists are often referred to as “nerds” or “geeks” from their peers. However, as nerds age into scientists and begin to grow facial hair to accompany their rich musky smell, they gain respect from their peers. While male scientists may want to model their own facial hair after Sanchez, female scientists may want to consider growing a thinner and gentler moustache. So you see, Sanchez’s moustache the essence of science; the scientists, without which no science would be possible.
The next feature of Sanchez that should be dealt with is of course the round and open mouth, ready to speak the words of the great prophets of science, including: Albert Einstein, Niels Bohr, and the inventor of the Fleshlight, the invention that has kept frosh company for months, and roommates scarred for decades. Now surely you must be confused as to how a dark and gaping hole, nay, chasm, like the mouth of Sanchez could possibly symbolize science. However, to ask that would be foolish, it represents the mystery that drives all of science. Many a person has stared into that empty and open hole of Sanchez’s and wondered how deep it goes, four inches, six, or is it bottomless? Only the brave attempt to answer that question, and they are scientists. Science constantly stares into the darkness and unknown, and pulls
out answers from its grasp. I hope now you are beginning to form a picture of how Sanchez encompasses the very essence of Science. The last part of Sanchez I will discuss is the underwear. Now I understand that underwear represents nothing itself, it is what is contained within the uncomfortable elastic bindings that should be discussed. It is underneath those tightywhities that dwells a force so furious that even 1,000 burning suns could not match its force. Tales have been told of young frosh glimpsing a sight of what lays underneath the underwear and going blind instantly. Although not the heart of Sanchez, he does contain a destructive element to him, in the same way that Science often contains a destructive element. Therefore I urge you in your studies to become the underwear of Sanchez, in a metaphorical sense of course. Always ask yourself whether the knowledge you gain would be better for everyone, or should be kept safe and out of harm’s way.
-WEEK Show me your genitals: My summer in a bio lab By: Mat Hall I could tell he wanted her from the way he throbbed. I could tell she wanted him from the way she stared. He approaches her and she turns away, occupying herself with some food. He moves in from behind, eyes burning red lust. She is ready. She is ripe. His gingerly caress startles her at first. She is nervous. He mounts her and she squirms. His arms press into her back and grip a little too tightly. She tries to get away but he is already inside of her. His face is expressionless, this is all business. He fills her with his seed and she can’t even close her eyes... because she has no eyelids. Because she is a fruit fly. And like all
fruit flies she takes it doggy-style. I bet they didn’t teach you that in genetics. This summer I have had the pleasure of seeing fine examples of fly copulation like this every once in a while. It always makes me happy. First because all love is beautiful; even small scale, kinda dirty fly love. It also makes me happy on a very professional level because it means the genes I want are moving to where I need them to go. Yes
my summer was spent in a genetics lab working with the little critter known as Drosophila melanogaster
in the science world. It was a summer full of wonder, merriment, science, fly cocks, and fly vaginas. It would be my fine pleasure to tell you all about it. Join me, wont you? My lab specializes in development. Learning how one cell becomes a fully functioning organism. Think about that... just think about it. Invoke your inner nerd and I hope he/she lets you know how fucking cool that actually is. My project dealt with looking
at one protein and how deletions in certain domains affected its ability to develop some fly parts. What this amounted to was me growing some flies, and forcing them to do it with other flies. So how do you mate flies? Well my colourful first paragraph outlines one way. I call that “the easy way”. I like to throw on some Led Zeppelin and turn off the lights (when they are nice enough to do that). Sometimes it’s not as awesome. Then you have to do what I like to call “priming the engine”. You grab one male and one female fly by the wings. This is probably the trickiest part because they’re pretty small… and wily. Once that is done you have to stimulate the male organ. It’s best to use something soft to rub on it. I
A Letter From the Desk of the
Welcome Back to Western Science! Whether or not this is your first time of experiencing the energy of a new school year here at UWO, there is no question that you already (or will very shortly) realize that there couldn’t be a better place to be. On behalf of the Science Students’ Council (SSC), I want to welcome all of you to this family that we know as Western Science. Let me assure you that you have made one of the best decisions you will ever make, as you are now a part of one of the most highly valued Science programs of the universities in Canada. As the Science Students’ Council, one of our primary goals is to voice this fact, but we also work in many ways to ensure that our faculty continues to grow and evolve constantly. Our commitment to students begins in the classroom with extensive representation throughout the university in order to ensure each student has access to the information necessary to succeed as a student here. Members of the Science Students’ Council strive to ensure that individual needs of the students are catered to; working to ensure that each student understands that we are here to work for you! Just some of the events that you can be sure to look forward to include...
•Release of new Science merchandise in September! •Science Homecoming on October 3! •Science Formal on November 27! •Western’s very own Science Games! •Science Carnival trip to Montreal in January! •Various Academic Seminars throughout the Second Semester! •Sporadic ‘Nights Out on Richmond Row ‘ and Coffeehouses throughout the year! These events are meant to not only enhance your academic careers, but to offer an outlet to escape the classroom, and in some cases, forget about it all together. Throughout the school year, you can visit www.uwoscience.com for updates and more information regarding these events. Other than that, there is not much else to be said... but I just want to again congratulate each of you for choosing Science here, and to welcome all of our first year students that are new to our campus. This will truly be one of the most exciting journeys you will partake in. I look forward to seeing all of you throughout the school year, and always feel free to visit us at our office in Nat Sci 108. Be easy, Tyler Coupal President, Science Students ‘ Council
Meet The Exec!
something going on – whether your interests lie in academics, social nights, and current events or just Welcome to first year! making new friends. We’re so happy that you’ve The calendars in the first decided to be a part of the Sciyear guide will give you a brief ence family here at Western! Now, since you’re stuck here for idea of our programming. Listhe next three years (at the very ten for ads in classes, posters and least) you have two options: The check out the display in the Nat Sci lobby designed for the express first is to make the most of this purpose of keeping you in the loop. experience, get involved, and You can always visit us at our ofmeet tons of awesome, likefice in Natural Science on the main minded people. floor. We’d be happy to answer all The second is...well, your questions! You can even find we don’t like to talk about the more information on www.uwoscisecond, but it ends in regret. Isn’t ‘regret’ such a lame word? ence.com or email us at SSC@uwo. ca for more specific queries. Lucky for you, our job as the Want to be a part of the Science Students’ Council (SSC dream team? We’ll be accepting for short) is to make it super nominations for first year rep starteasy for you to achieve option 1! We have tons of jam-packed ing in O-week and will be hosting programming that will keep you elections for those interested. Come involved and interested with the by the Science Council Office in happenings of the Science Com- the main floor of Nat Sci to find out more! munity at Western. From September to April, there’s always A Message from the Execs:
Business - 3
A Message From Your Soph Team
Well it’s about fucking time. - going to events (What time is that mister guy?) It’s - using the bathroom when you time for UWO and Science to show have to - showing spirit you what we’re all about, and it’s time for you to show UWO and Sci- - getting involved ence what you’re all about. And how - meeting new friends! Yay friends! do we do that? With O-Week, that’s - making new “friends” ;) how. What chu wanna know about The biggest worry you probO-Week, Science O-Week that is. ably have is that you won’t look cool Basically this week is your big chance to experience everything that UWO has to offer, and your sophs are there to facilitate your experience. So basically what this is going to be is my advice for this week to make sure it’s the perfect start to your Western career. The best advice I can give you is do not be shy. Do not be shy about:
to the thousands of people who don’t know and you’ll be an outcast for the rest of the year. I had the same worries, everyone does. But what I have learned is the cool people aren’t the ones who sleep in through events, fold their arms during cheers, and go out during
- being loud - asking questions - approaching anyone, including a soph - talking to strangers
O-Week. It’s a big cliché to say “be yourself,” but that is what O-Week is all about. Find yourself and do it hard. You’ll have lots of support along the way. GET INVOLVED. Your council is here for you. Your sophs are here for you. Your friends are here for you. UWO is not a big scary place and I think this is from Harry Potter, but “help will always be there for those who ask for it.” Either that or I made it up or I picked up from a shitty movie or facebook bumper sticker. The last thing I want to say to you is I personally am here for every single one of you. As head soph I am responsible for each science frosh and each science soph, and that means I want to help you with anything. Please say what’s up during O-Week, myself and my whole team is repping for each one of you, and I want to meet as many of you as I can. For serious. My last 3 words for you are: Cheer fucking loud. Your Head Soph, George W.
Financing Your University Education
By: Meilene Lam
After applying to OUAC and then filling out the supplementary applications: the Ivey AEO packages, McMaster Health Sci essays, the Queens personal statements (which were all useless anyway cause you realized, five essays about leadership and involvement later, that you weren’t the scum of the earth), you made it. You got in, you chose your courses…and then they sent you the bill. And, like the girl you’ll want to forget hooking up with during Oweek, it’s a HEFTY one.
So what next? Tuition means that you’ll be running up, at least, a four thousand dollar tab. A price tag that doesn’t even include residence, let alone textbooks (or beer). To help you all out, I’ve investigated a few viable ways of obtaining some quick cash.
$7000) or the Interest Relief program (which may allow students to suspend their OSAP payments if they cannot make them). Textbook and Technology Grant
will diminish the amount of admission bursary assistance you are receiving. Selling Your Body
Think of this option as you would a OSAP also provides the TTG which is, touchy second cousin during prom season: a last, last resort when all essentially, a $150 government handout to every student. It is possibly the else fails (something that makes OSAP easiest free money you will ever come you feel conflicted because on the by. Do not forget to apply to the TTG. one hand, you could get some pretty Those who meet the OSAP loan eligi- Though $150 offsets the cost of apeasily, but on the other hand, the bility criteria are able to take out these proximately one quarter of a textbook, whole situation is definitely wrong interest-free loans while students are and pretty illegal). anything helps, right? attending post-secondary institution. Once finished school, they are then Now I know what some of you are Western Financial Services made to pay back the thinking, you’re thinking, “But loans over a period I’m homely…and my skin has a In addition to a plethora of its own that can be as long as scholarships, financial aid and bursarough, scale-like quality to it. No 15 years at low inter- ries, Western also offers some flexone would pay me to service them!” est rates. There are ibility in its payment options, allowing Not to worry, my friends, there is also lots of ways that students to pay in easier to swallow hope. A guy once told me that he the government helps small installments (for a $52.00 fee). only wanted me for my body. I took to support students offence to the comment until he even after they start apologized and explained himself, Western Work Study having to pay their telling me that he’d only meant that loans back. Depend- Generally not offered to first year my organs might be valuable. ing on financial need, students, Western Work Study is a some students may And let me tell you, my new iPod program that allows students to work qualify for the Ontouch? Totally worth it. Only suckpart-time on campus in jobs that are tario Student Oppor- similar to their field of study. Financial ers need two kidneys. tunity Grant (which need is a requirement of this program limits yearly debt to and your acceptance into the program
100 things to do before graduat ing
1) Get it on somewhere on campus (Rez rooms do not count) 2) Stay in the UCC overnight 3) Leave something in your rez room for the next tenants to find 4) Join a club 5) Check out Rick McGhee’s sexy bod
By: Justin Bondy
sculpture on your front lawn 27) Attend a class you don’t belong in 28) Hit on a TA 29) Meet your old floormates for dinner at the Wave
6) Take the Spoke Beer Challenge 7) Attend a homecoming pancake kegger 8) Cure a hangover with a Christina’s Pub breakfast 9) Hit up a frat party
78) Decorate your house with stolen street signs
50) Get a poster from the poster 79) Try out for a Soph team sale 80) Throw macaroni down someone’s cleav51) Eat every meal on campus age at Ceeps during exams Sledgehammer Bingo on Tues52) Drink so hard you forget just day’s failing that exam 81) Pull a 53) Dress up as a slutty fireman/ prank on your maid/condom/water bottle etc. for roommate (BoHalloween nus if it scars them forever) 54) Attend Super Psych with Dr Mike 82) VOLCANO size your margarita at Under the Volcano on Mondays 55) Cook a meal that doesn’t come from a box 83) Ride the bull at Cowboy’s 56) Be drunk by noon
10) Take a road trip
84) Grow a Decembeard (Bonus if you’re a girl)
11) Play an intramural sport
57) Class-it-up at Martini bar on a Monday
12) Make some bad decisions on spring break
58) Ruin your laundry (IT HAS TO BE SEPERATED!)
86) Rediscover the joys of the Pizza Hut Lunch Buffet
59) Pull an all nighter
87) WRITE ANOTHER ARTICLE FOR THE ABSOLUTE ZERO
13) Go to a varsity sports game 14) Spend a Saturday watching “How it’s Made” 15) Get dressed up for a casual night 16) Catch a flick at Western Film
30) Eat in the library (You sneakster you) 31) Dance on the platform with the pole at Jim Bob’s 32) Consume Jell-O Shots 33) Purchase some UWO apparel
17) See a concert at the JLC 18) Do a keg stand 19) Attend a theme party 20) Play some flip cup
34) Talk shit about another university 35) Go to class…commando 36) Experience the walk of shame
21) Better yet, Beer Pong
37) Treat yourself to a Checker Cab, you deserve it
22) Spend 2 hours in a bar line-up
38) Get kicked out of a bar
23) Pass out on someone’s couch (Bonus if you do not know them) 24) Down some green beer on St Patty’s
39) Walk all the way home from the bar
25) Sled down UC Hill on a stolen caf tray 26) Construct a naughty snow
40) Pre-drink during an exam or lab 41) Give your house a title 42) Watch the UWO porn (College Invasions 4) 43) Make your own porn 44) Attend a toga party 45) Eat some Marble Slab ice cream 46) Karaoke 47) Get a noise complaint from your neighbours
60) Wake up at 7am to grab a cubicle at Taylor during exams
85) Get on WesternTV
88) Create a signature drink for yourself
61) Participate in Roll Up the Rim 89) Be student of the day in Mel Usselman’s Orgo class 62) Catch Black Belt Jones at Brass Door on Thursdays 90) Engage in floorcest 63) Walk through a drive-in
91) Regret floorcest
64) Get passed by a full bus during the winter and HATE THEM SO MUCH
92) Make fun of a music/MIT student (you’ve probably done this already)
65) Check out Barney’s patio in the summer
93) Take a hot date to Science Formal 94) Discover the underground tunnels between buildings in winter
66) Wear the same clothes three times during exams
95) Take a road trip to Grand Bend
67) Experience Ceep’s Brew
96) Work out at Campus Rec
68) Get an ‘incident report’ in rez 97) Donate blood at the blood clinic on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesdays 69) Go to the homecoming parade 98) Get 100 on a midterm 70) Porch Climb 99) Watch an entire series off of DC++ 71) WRITE AN ARTICLE FOR 100) Be true to yourself. THE ABSOLUTE ZERO 72) Streak 73) Get into a serious argument regarding the rules of ‘shotgun’ 74) Piece together what happened last night using facebook pictures (“The Hangover” Style!)
48) Vote in an election
75) Relive the magic of an old school Nintendo
49) Join a residence/faculty council
76) Throw up on the sidewalk
101) Just kidding. That one was lame. Try having a drink with a professor instead (Bonus if he or she buys yours for you)
Things - 5
Show Me Your Genitals (Cont. From Front)
usually like to get volunteers to rub some felt on their downstairs but sometimes I’m alone with my hands full and I have to use my mouth. This can get pretty gross but you get used to it. You just have to keep telling yourself “It’s all for science… yeah it’s all for science. Shhh fly it’s going to be ok, daddy’s here… shh I’ll take care of you. You like that? Yeah you like that don’t you… ohh… mmm… science…” You get a pretty good sense of when the fly is going to fire the missiles after a while. Once we reach critical mass you can quickly insert Harry Potter into the Chamber of Secrets et voila, pregnant female. But like all things worth doing you have to work your way through a few facials before you really get good at timing it. So that was basically my summer. I hope you’re a little more interested in research and a little less interested in whatever else you thought you were doing with your life.
By: Justin Bondy
walk briskly away and immediately call the authorities. Once the flies I wanted were grown up I had to decapitate … Just kidding. That would them. And did I ever decapitate have been ridiculous and probably them. Wave upon wave of fruit fly borderline illegal. What you really perished under my razor blade. Bits of goo flew hither and thither do is put females and males into the same tube and hope they get it while I worked, eyes gleaming, on… slightly less exciting I know. under the flat microscope lightIt amounts to sedating the flies and ing. One group of flies were engineered with legs so weak spending many hours in front of they couldn’t escape from their a microscope turning them over, looking at their junk, and separat- cocoons (yes flies have cocoons, ing males from females. You end up it goes maggot > cocoon > fly). looking at a lot of fly genitalia. And I In this case I had to use small, mean a LOT. Let me put it this way. pointy forceps to tear open the Think of how many sets of genitals case and wrench the weak, tremyou have seen in your whole life, on bling fly out, decapitating it while any of God’s creatures, multiply that it squirmed. Yes I did some pretty unforgivable things to these flies. by 300 and you might be close to the number I’m at right now. There But before you condemn me as is a catch though; the females have a monster, consider this: without to be virgins. This means you have me these flies wouldn’t even exto collect them within 12 hours of ist in the first place. I bred them, hatching or else they start bringing infusing life where there was none all the boys to the yard. So next time before. Mat giveth, and Mat taketh you overhear someone say “I have away. I mounted these heads onto to go collect virgins tonight”, don’t be alarmed. Unless it is some sort of microscope slides and spent the Brian Peppers looking hobo with a rest of the summer measuring difstink eye and bleeding gums. If it is ferent parts of their faces in a dark
room under a high powered microscope that burned my retinas in a slow, meandering way. I got some data, put it in a graph, and heard from my supervisor that the data was “not reproducible”. In science speak he basically said it was garbage, meaning that I probably need to do the whole thing again. And that, ladies and gentleman, was my summer and that’s where I am as I write this. Am I mad that my whole summer of work can be represented in a graph that says effectively nothing? A little bit. But my summer highlights the quintessential truth of research. If you try something and it works the first time your farts probably smell like iron from all the horseshoes up there. You find out what doesn’t work, you make mistakes, you troubleshoot. You change things and change things and try again. And sometimes you get really frustrated. But nature doesn’t give up her secrets easily. You try your best and if you are smart and stubborn enough, maybe you’ll find out something no one else in the world has ever known. After I found out my graph was useless I went and had some beers in the Grad Club with my lab mates. Then I went home and read a good book on my front porch in the sunshine. In the end it was a pretty good day, and it was a pretty good summer.
Balls, Balls, Balls
This summer I was lucky enough to be selected for a NSERC (Natural Sciences and Engineering Research Council of Canada) grant to do research in the physics department. The grant is an award open to any student looking to do some research with a supervising professor over the summer, and is primarily awarded based on marks. Basically the grant is the government paying the school to hire me, and boy, do they ever pay well. The perks of getting a NSERC grand are many, but I would have to say the best is the flexibility it offers me in my schedule. Since I have a set salary for the summer instead of being paid hourly, I don’t have to worry about sitting around till 5 o’clock after I am done all my work just so I can be paid for a full 8 hours. Instead, I come it to the lab, finish what I need to do that day, and leave. Another perk is simply the fact that being the recipient of one of these awards looks quite bitchin’ on a resume, as they are very prestigious. Long story short, if you have the opportunity to apply for an NSERC grand, DO IT! Now that we have the most important thing about a job, payment, out of the way let’s talk about what I actually do. My lab studies granular material, which includes
things such as sand, kool aid mix, the salt for your margaritas, stuff like that. My job is to measure the forces acting on different types of spheres being pulled out of big tubes filled with tiny balls of glass. The glass beads I work with range in size from half a centimeter across, all the way to being so small I have to wear a gas mask when using them so they don’t get into my lungs. My average day consists of submerging the intruding ball into a tube of beads, activating a motor to pull the sphere out of the container, and measuring the force of the sphere 5.57 times per second with a load cell and multimeter. After the data is taken I analyze it on a computer using a great program called Matlab. Using Matlab I can do things like rescale the data and do non-linear least squared fitting. I’ve done this hundreds of times over the summer by changing the parameters such as ball size, bead size, extraction speed, and tube shape. When I tell my friends and family about my job the first question everyone asks is “what are you trying to accomplish with this?” and to be honest, I don’t really know. But that’s how sci-
ence works some times. You don’t always see the practical application right away, sometimes you’re just interested in the properties of something you observe in the world. I definitely hope that my work can be of some use to someone in the future, but even if it isn’t, I’ve learned so much about being a scientist with this experience. It basically feels like I’ve been paid to take a really awesome class. I’ve also enjoyed working together with my professor, John DeBruyn, and the other students in my lab. Seeing my instructors and peers in action has given me a great sense of pride in my faculty. Everything is not always gum drops and unicorn giggles though. Some days everything I tried seemed to go wrong and I would become so frustrated I’d want to burn down the school, BURN IT DOWN TO THE GROUND. Sorry, what were we talking about?
Right, my job. Even if I have a day where nothing goes right I still know I have the most amazing summer job I could imagine, especially when I compare it to the automotive factory I used to work at. Working in this lab has been a great experience that I will never forget, and I encourage all of you to look into it for next summer. So get out there and start talking to any professors you may be interested in working with, they aren’t as scary as they look. As for me, I’ll just be sitting here playing with my balls.
How To Survive Bio 1222
By: Jason Lam
Welcome to one of Western’s biggest classes: Bio 1222. To attend these lectures, you will be in NCB-101 (North Campus Building), one of the biggest classrooms Western has. In it, amongst 800
other first years, you will direct your attention to 3 brilliant professors, each with their own style of teaching. Since we at Western are all friendly people and want everyone to succeed (unlike U of T…), we’ve even given you the lowdown on how to ace this class.
You Do The Math
Comics - 7 of many different organizations and volunteers which were directly from the science student body right here at Western.
and the UWO Math departpetition. These math competiment we were able to run 4 tions promoted teamwork and competitions throughout the creativity, encouraging students Hey everyone, my name is to work together to entire year. The re We hope that with this New Joanne Colling. I was the Science solve math puzzles sponse from high schoolsYear we will be able to further expand Student Council Applied Math and and problems. around London was the number of schools that particiPure Math Representative last year phenomenal, with LML pate as well as get more organizations and will retain my role this year. being able to host involved with LML. If you would like Working Last year with the help of over ten teams to learn more about LML or would like with the Science Student Council, I started from seven differ- to become involved with LML please public and an initiative, the London Math ent schools. check out our website http://www.math. catholic League (LML), to provide high uwo.ca/london_math_league/london_ school students the opportunity to Now the success of LML was math_league_2009.html compete in an interactive math com- school boards within London, not possible without the help the Science Student Council By: Joanne Colling
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Absolute Zero: September Issue