squaremile T H E VO I C E O F T H E C I T Y
£3.25 ISSUE 55
W H AT G O E S O N
INS DE THE
T R A D E R Jon Hawkins strips the City bare
PLUS CIT YB O Y: MAX IMISE Y OUR BONUS
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EDITOR EDITOR’S WORD squaremile T h e vo i c e o f T h e c i T y
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Martin Deeson EDITOR Mark Hedley ART DIRECTOR Matthew Lewis-Hasteley CITY EDITOR Jon Hawkins ASSOCIATE EDITOR Eugene Costello SENIOR DESIGNER Katerina Varnavides CONTRIBUTORS Jamel Akib, Geraint ‘Cityboy’ Anderson, Colin Baden, Mike Baghdady, Oz Clarke, Lou Cooper, Bernadette Costello, Roxanne Emery, James Gurney, Angela Knight, Richard Mackney, Steve McDowell, David Morrison, Charles Peattie, Alan Raine, Russell Taylor, Jimmy Wales, Saul Wordsworth INTERN Matt Huckle PRINTING Colourfast Europe
‘WHY HAVE YOU put a naked arse on the front cover of square mile?’ I hear (one or two of) you ask. Presuming ‘why not?’ isn’t a satisfactory answer, let me attempt an explanation. At square mile, we’re getting as bored as you are with banker bashing. So we thought it was time to give you something to smile about and lift your, er, spirits. It also provided us with an opportunity to shoehorn in a reference to Jon Hawkins’ probing article into what really makes a trader tick (p40). As it happens, the answer isn’t wholly ‘naked arses’ – but we’ve heard they can help. For anyone of a delicate disposition who might be offended work of art: Nicholas Dahmane has been shooting nudes for more than 25 years (not exactly a naked short, then). Thirdly, we haven’t had a female on the front cover since April 2008 and people were starting to talk. We’ve never been scared to swim against the tide, either: as advocates for you lot, that’s just part-and-parcel of the last issue’s cover star, Bob Diamond, in sparkling form at the
CEO & FOUNDER Tim Slee
Treasury Select Committee last month. Although we’re always
MARKETING Laura Jackson, Rebecca Longstaff, Lyndsey Wilson
proud to stand up for bankers, it’s nice to see them standing
BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT Christian Morrow
“remorse and apology for banks” does need to be over.
up for themselves now and again. Bob was right, the period of
give it a good bash – your bonus, that is.
ACCOUNTS Steve Cole, Laura Otabor
CONTACT 020 7819 9999
Mark Hedley, Editor email@example.com
... started his career trading futures with Chicago Options Associates in 1994. Obsessed with the internet, he co-founded Nupedia later adding the collaborative ‘wiki’ model. The result, Wikipedia, now hosts 16 million articles in 272 different languages. [ p48] COLIN BADEN ... was a partner at Lewis Architects for six years, before joining Oakley to work on design projects for founder, Jim Jannard. He rose to president in 1999 and CEO last year. He has most recently pioneered the world’s first optically correct 3D glasses. [ p50] OZ CLARKE ... is one of the world’s foremost wine critics. Oz began his career as an actor for the RSC. Then he got in with the wrong crowd, drinking and driving with James May. He’s got less hair than May, but he’s got a far better nose. And he certainly ‘nose’ his wine. (Sorry.) [ p75]
And if there’s one thing you certainly can’t say about our annual Bonus’o’meter (p34) it’s that it’s apologetic. Come on,
EVENTS Vicky Miller
square mile uses paper from sustainable sources
by the image, first of all, lighten up. Secondly, it’s actually a
job for us. It’s one of the reasons we were so pleased to see
PRINT ADVERTISING Michael Berrett, Billy Carver, Joe Manalac, Farhan Salah, Will Taylor, Alex Watson
Nicholas Dahmane is one of the world’s foremost photographers specialising in nudes (...nice work if you can get it). Limited editions of Clara (pictured) and other works are available from obsessionart.com
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ROXANNE EMERY ...started off as a trading assistant at Bear Stearns, and then moved to Renaissance Capital to work as a sales trader. She gave up the City to launch a music career. Her debut single ‘Real’ was launched last November and her album Remember Me is out soon. [ p61] © Square Up Media Limited 2011. All rights reserved. No part of this magazine may be reproduced without the written permission of the publisher. All information contained in this magazine is, as far as we are aware, correct at the time of going to press. Square Up Media cannot accept responsibility for errors or inaccuracies in such information. If you submit unsolicited material to us, you automatically grant Square Up Media a licence to publish your submission in whole or in part in all editions of the magazine. All material is sent at your own risk and although every care is taken, neither Square Up Media nor its employees, agents or subcontractors shall be held liable resulting for loss or damage. Square Up Media endeavours to respect the intellectual property of the owners of copyrighted material reproduced herein. If you identify yourself as the copyright holder of material we have wrongly attributed, please contact the office.
COVER FEATURE 34
PORTFOLIO 12 . THE EXCHANGE 16 . SQUAREMILE.COM 18 . ARTWORK 20 . NOTICEBOARD 22 . CITY TRUMPS 24 . THE ANALYST ASSETS 65 . PRIME TIME 66 . BUY! BUY! BUY! 68 . MOTORS 73 . REVIEWS 75 . WINE 77 . TRAVEL 83 . PROPERTY ENDNOTES 112 . THE MASTERCLASS 8 SQUAREMILE
28 . CITYBOY’S TOP TEN WAYS TO GUARANTEE A BIG BONUS...
The Wikipedia founder on the future of the web.
Simply being good at your job isn’t enough to make sure you’re at the front of the queue for a hefty payout. To avoid missing out you need to master the dark arts, says Geraint Anderson.
50 WELCOME TO MY WORLD: COLIN BADEN, CEO OF OAKLEY
34 . INSIDE A TRADER
City traders have been widely criticised for their role in bringing about the global financial crisis, but what makes these high-rolling risk-takers tick? Jon Hawkins on what separates star traders from the average man on the street.
38 . ...AND TEN WAYS TO SPEND IT Whether you’re in the market for a 130ft, £14m Sunseeker or can only stretch to a Lego homage to Darth Vader’s Imperial Shuttle, we find the best bonus buys on the market. There’s even a robot, just in case you’re short of friends after following Cityboy’s sage (and savage) advice...
. JIMMY WALES .
From architect to head of the cult eyewear brand.
. WHITE KNIGHT
Why we need to keep global banking in the UK.
. THE CHEAPSIDER
Our new secret columnist on the circle of the City.
On the varying fortunes of equity markets in 2010.
To waive, or not to waive: the CEO bonus debate.
. ESCAPE ARTIST squaremile.com
PIONEERING SWISS WATCHMAKING FOR 150 YEARS 1860 Edouard Heuer founded his worshop in the Swiss Jura. 1916
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PhotograPh by Christopher thomas, courtesy of Wapping Project Bankside
POR TFO LIO
new york, new yawn Photographer Christopher Thomas has captured a unique perspective of New York â€“ one devoid of any human activity. Turns out the city does sleep: you just have to get up early to catch it out
THE CIT Y INDE X SWINGING DICK? OR JUST A DICK HEAD? THE CITY’S WINNERS & LOSERS
AFTER THE CITY WORDS
#29 BECOME A TV STAR
Depending upon your point of view, Barclays Bob’s performance in front of the Treasury Select Committee was either a dazzling, flawless display of polished engagement by an industry gem, or a proper roughing-up by politicians set on getting blood out of Diamond. Whether you like the cut of Bob’s jib or not, there’s no denying that he’s now one of the most brilliant and important bankers to hit the world of finance since, well, forever. He’s also a gift for lazy headline writers everywhere, and £8m bonus or not, his bank account’s no doubt in sparkling health. Your turn to get De Beers in, Bob.
▲ 50 CENT “I get money, I get money, I get I get I get money,” says 50 Cent in the ingeniously titled I Get Money. And he does; $10m of it to be precise, the amount by which his stake in headphones distributor HNHI rose in value after he posted a series of recommendations to buy shares in the company on Twitter. HNHI jumped 290%, from 0.5c to 39c, in just one day, prompting suggestions that Fiddy was planning to ‘pump and dump’ the stock. Get rich or die tryin’, as the great man once said...
▲ JEFFREY MEYER Despite a bad 12 months for Gartmore (the respective retirement and suspension of star managers Roger Guy and Guillaume Rambourg, shares down from 220p at float to 87.5p and now the sale to Henderson) departing CEO Meyer will collect over £12m. That’ll learn the swine.
▲ MADOFF’S UNDERWEAR The sell-off of Bernie Madoff’s belongings continues, with one buyer recently paying $1,700 for a pair of the financier’s monogrammed boxer shorts. Hopefully not the pair he was wearing when the FBI knocked on his door in December 2008.
▲ DAVOS Those freewheeling progressives at the World Economic Forum have decreed that one in every five senior execs at the event must be female. Not exactly burning their bras yet, though, are they?
SQUAREMILE’S ‘Miles’ by Jamel Akib. BORIS: Chris O’Donovan
▽ So you think you can just quit the City, blag your way into TV and secure your own show? My, you’ve got big balls. But that’s good. Massive balls are a prerequisite for a career on the small screen. The bigger the better. It’s an accepted fact that Piers Morgan’s balls weigh 60% more than a bag of sugar. Qualities that brought you success in financial services should stand you in good stead on the telly. If you’ve got charisma, turn it up to the max. If you’re a pushy bastard, push harder. A strong chin and cute nose are a must. If your chin is weak or your nose fat, get them seen to. Do you work out? Work out more. “The broader the shoulder the more you feel bolder”, they say in the industry. Or some of them do. The key to success is finding a niche. Look at people who have made the lucrative leap from ordinary job to TV sleb. Sarah Beeny moved from property developer and potential oversized bra model to TV property mogul. Jeremy Clarkson was a car magazine editor and office twat. Now he’s a twat to the whole nation. Do you think you could talk money in a geezer fashion on daytime TV, or are you aiming higher? My advice is start with short slots on Daybreak. That way you can make your mistakes while no one is watching. Get known in the industry. Be nice to everyone. Take coke with senior management. Never say cunt on live TV. Keep working out. Don’t be afraid of ITV4. If necessary sleep with important people. Then just sit back and watch your standing soar – and if it doesn’t, creep back to your City desk when no one is watching. ■ saulwordsworth.com
THINGS TO DO
▲ BOB DIAMOND
▼ brendan mcdOnagh
▼ china Economists are queueing up to tell us the China bubble is about to pop. Or that doing business in China is the only way British firms can survive into the 21st century. Well, that’s conclusive. At least it’ll be a nice (Shanghai) surprise when we find out...
▼ musical taste The City’s first ever major rock concert will take place at the Guildhall in February? Hurrah! For the Lord Mayor’s Charity Appeal? Bravo! Bryan Adams is headlining? Oh. Was Chris de Burgh busy, then?
BoriS JohnSon in Management Today
The National Asset Management Agency chief, tasked with clearing Ireland’s bad debt, has provoked outrage with his €450,000 salary and 60% bonus. Irish politicians called it “shameful” and an “affront”. Quite right – you’d have to pay us a lot more than that to sort out that mess.
Within a few days of Bob’s sparkling (that’s enough now – Ed) appearance in front of the Treasury, Barclays was facing a £7.7m FSA fine for giving poor advice to thousands of investors into two funds, most of them of, or near, retirement age. One investor was advised to place £50,000 into a ‘cautious to medium’ risk fund, only to lose £17,000 of her investment within months. The funds’ names? ‘Balanced’ and ‘Cautious’. Perhaps they should have been called ‘Hole’ and ‘Bucket’.
Can it really be over two years ago that two FBI agents turned up at Bernie Madoff’s Manhattan apartment to arrest him for securities fraud? Apparently it can, and a whole lot of murky water has passed under the Ponzi bridge since. Enter Essex’s own Terry Freeman: the GFX Capital markets boss arrested for running a £14m ‘no risk, high return’ Ponzi scheme. The con hit trouble after Freeman took a punt on the US government bailing out Lehman Brothers in 2008, wiping out half the fund’s value. Nice try, Mr Freeman, but you ain’t no Bernie. Or a free man much longer, for that matter.
▼ terry freeman
We can’t ignore and hate the bankers. What would that achieve? Show me how reducing financial services boosts manufacturing.
Want to nominate someone? Work with a legend? Or a turkey? Contact us with your City Winners & Losers: firstname.lastname@example.org
Cr Ch bunCh
Matt ‘Belt’ Huckle
Our regular series fOr peOple whO’ve missed the news...
#20 mammoth bELt ▽ Before you run away with the idea that we might be talking about a belt for really fat people, we should stop and inform you that this is in fact a belt with a fossilised mammoth tooth embedded in the buckle. Do you see? In order to cater to those who like their fossils high-tech, the belt features a unique high-precision mechanical buckle. It’s also handmade from steel and rose gold using Swiss watchmaking skills – making this the perfect belt for attracting the attentions of that pretty little engineer at your office who dabbles in paleontology. Best of all, the belt retails at a mere £10,500 (you’ve got to remember it’s got bits of real woolly mammoth in it) at James Purdey & Sons’ flagship store in Mayfair. It’s a perfect gift for people who never got to own one of those bottle-opener belts at university and have never quite moved on. The official name is the Roland Iten R81 for Purdey, although we think calling it ‘Mammoth Belt’ would help it sell much quicker. Nothing says you’re a big swinging dick like walking into work with a mammoth holding up your trouser-snake tent. ■
R★O★G★U★E TRADERS BANKING AIN’T WHAT IT USED TO BE... WORDS
#04 CHARLES PONZI While Charles Ponzi was not a banker, he is the godfather of modern-day fraud. His name has been lent to one of the most famous scams in history and has earned him his place as a prize Rogue Trader...
P O R
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PHOTO (above) from Time Life Pictures/Getty Images. Cartoon by Modern Toss, moderntoss.com
Ferguson Hill Studios take audio clarity very seriously. These see-through stunners are some of the best performing speakers on the market – and believe it or not will only set you back £395... but that’s because it’s only the baby system. If you want the grown-up rig, then you’ll be shelling out £20k for Ferguson Hill’s epic FH001/2/3 set-up – and you’ll get a lot of bang for your considerable buck First up, the FH001 – these giant full range horn speakers are 5’4” tall and 3’ wide. But size isn’t everything – they’re actually incredibly sensitive, going loud with just five watts and making the most of even the measliest of amplifiers.
T F O
▽ Born in 1882, little is known about Charles Ponzi’s early life owing to his tendency to embellish and exaggerate facts about himself. In 1902, he moved to America – arriving with almost no money – he set off with some, but lost it gambling on the journey. He was later quoted saying: “I landed in this country with $2.50 in cash and $1m in hopes.” After working numerous jobs and spending some time in prison for writing a false cheque, he saw a potential way to make money by selling stamps bought with international reply coupons. The method turned out to be impossible in practice but, undeterred, he encouraged friends and family to invest regardless, promising them he could double their investment in 90 days. Instead of trying to make legitimate profits Ponzi simply told people they were making money; impressed by his success, people continued to reinvest rather than withdraw their money. When a financial writer raised suspicions as to the legitimacy of his profits, Ponzi promptly sued for libel and won $500,000 in damages. Ponzi managed to stave off numerous runs on his scheme with his charm, confidence and downright effrontery. However, eventually his scheme did collapse and he was accused of 86 counts of mail fraud and 22 counts of larceny. After spending time in prison he ended up alone and destitute in Brazil where he died in 1949. So what can we learn from Mr Ponzi, then? Well, he showed us that so long as you’re charismatic enough people won’t mind if you lose them money. Sir Fred Goodwin must have been off sick for that lesson... ■
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ECONOMY IN 2050: ‘ABOUT THE SAME’ WORDS
Squaremile.com’s sweeping predictions for our economic future are at best average, at worst fair-to-middling…
found cowering under shrubs. Slow growth will see record numbers of Liberal Democrats saying silly things to impress young girls.
HOUSEHOLDS Evidence of tough times ahead will be seen in choices of New Year cardigans. Record numbers of families will be found discarded at the bottom of cliffs.
EUROZONE Will survive but in severely reduced form. Luxembourg to be designated a dumping ground for broken TVs and elderly nonces.
GROWTH Growth of 0.2% in Q1, but will be very localised – only in the village of Drayton St Leonard in the Cotswolds. Private sector-led recovery will become even more private, its rating raised from ‘mysterious’ to ‘creepy’.
Euro crisis will continue until Spain and Portugal hold a seven-day war in March. In Indonesia the dollar will be replaced by the Malteser as the main unit of currency.
Emerging world likely to grow 6% through the international trade of women and children. Sex dens the new must-have item in Russia. China expected to focus efforts on creating evil chemicals. Expansion fuelled by sales of leather gloves and white cats.
BANKS The ‘big four’ will continue to blame their losses on fraud and poor spelling. Goldman and Sachs expected to separate. Goldman will write a memoir, Sachs will tour with a dancing-on-ice spectacular. Stephen Hester of RBS to release own fragrance, ‘Fester’.
An extra $42 trillion to be pumped into the economy mixed with anti-depressants and erectile stimulants. Recovery to pick up with a housing correction led by Justin Bieber.
TRENDS Momentum of growth will lead to rise of young men voicing unfounded opinions. Pent-up demand will result in a mass cull of economists. Robert Peston to be hollowed out to make a wind-chime. ■ – Richard Mackney
In 2050, the world’s economy will be dominated by “the same old countries” and driven by “probably buying and selling much the same stuff”, according to an extensive report compiled by a team of economists at the University of Kidderminster on behalf of squaremile.com. “We developed a complex series of formulae, taking reference points across an extensive range of economic identifiers,” Professor Ted Sharp, who led the research, said of the the 3,241-page report. “Things like the price of two-bedroom duplex apartments on Mars, what brand of hoverboard everyone will be riding and whether Warren Buffet’s head has been cryogenically frozen and re-planted on the body of 19-year old cheerleader.” The report reveals the world’s economy will remain “pretty much the same, but definitely slightly bigger” in 2050, and names the US and China as the likely major players on the basis that “essentially, broadly speaking, nothing ever really changes that much, does it?” Of the UK the report states, “the City’s economy will likely be greater in size than at present, though we predict most of the physical area of the Square Mile to have been absorbed into a single, enormous branch of TM Lewin.” Carol Hands, chief economic adviser at broker Absolutely Capital, called the report “brave” and “probing” while acknowledging that the growing influence of the US and China is inevitable. “Ever since WWII the Americans have been threatening to become a major economic power,” said Hands. “As for the Chinese, there are thousands, if not millions, of them and their speed of meal preparation will buy them the necessary time to expand their promising little economy.”
FTSE Recovery in stock market. FTSE will touch 7,000 but deny it. Double dip in the UK narrowly avoided by a group of men filling the dip with soil. Tesco to buy Japan in August.
Sign up for squaremile.com’s weekly Lunchtime Lottery – this month one reader will win a Welder watch. Plus, in our Offers section, you can trouser a whopping 20% discount on any Virgin Holidays trip.
Runaway inflation expected in Q3 until it is
artwork CHRIS THomaS Words
The Wapping projecT Bankside opened in january This year WiTh an exhiBiTion from german landscape phoTographer, chrisTopher Thomas...
Here’s a test for you – what makes these photos of New York different? No, it’s not that they’re black and white and all old-worldy. But rather that they capture the city that never sleeps, er, asleep. The series of images were shot using a custom-made large format camera, Polaroid film and long exposures to capture the Big Apple at first bite – sorry, first light. The resulting exhibition, called New York Sleeps, comprises 30 large-scale cityscapes that are all totally devoid of human interaction. From views of a snow -bound Guggenheim to an empty terminal at Grand Central Station, Thomas’s New York looks totally abandoned – like a scene from I Am Legend (but without the zombies, thank God) or Vanilla Sky (but without Tom Cruise, thank God). Prints of the lead photo Cyclone Rollercoaster (2008) are available for £7,059 and depict Coney Island’s iconic rollercoaster on Surf Avenue. Thomas’s rumoured plans to undertake a similar project in the City of London were reputedly dashed as he could never find a moment without drunk Essex girls vomiting and/or fornicating after missing the last train home. ■ ‘New York Sleeps’ is exhibiting until 26 February at The Wapping Project Bankside, 65a Hopton St, SE1 9LR; prints are available from £2,470; thewappingprojectbankside.com
S P O NS O R S
NOMINATION CATEGORIES ENTREPRENEURSHIP
New and innovative business ventures. SOCIAL ENTERPRISE
Outstanding social or environmental initiatives. TECHNOLOGY & DESIGN
Pioneering work in technology, and cutting-edge design. MEDIA & ENTERTAINMENT
Informing and entertaining London. POLITICS
The next generation of Westminster’s key decision makers. LAW
The leading lights of London’s highly competitive legal industry. FINANCE
Outstanding work in the financial services industry. SPORT
Sporting successes and achievements by those living and working in the country’s capital.
C E L E B R ATI N G L O N D ON ’ S TOP Y O U N G A C HI EV ER S
To nominate someone you think deserves recognition, go to:
▽ this month...
it’s bonus time again – How will you spend yours?
habits The word ‘bonus’ is Latin in origin, meaning ‘good’. Ergo, it should be spent on worthwhile things. Like a Bentley, a diamond-encrusted posing pouch or a cane topped with the preserved head
– By Jon Hawkins
£ £ City trumps 22 SquareMile
Lamborghini Gallardo. the shopping list Anything and everything, as long as it’s at least twice as expensive as everything your colleagues have bought this year. most likely to say “Can I borrow a tenner until next bonus season? Just blew my last monkey on a gold-plated Xbox.”
of a baby snow leopard. philosophy You only live once, and even that isn’t enough to amass a respectable collection of Patek Philippes. outlook The best things in life might well be free, but they’re also a damn sight easier to get your hands on if you happen to have a
“I’m long everything, which basically means I’m covered for any eventuality.”
£ £ £ ££ £
most likely to say
I did not say I wanted a grand on red. I said, I wanted to buy a standard bed. The king-size is too dear.”
A piece of ‘in situ’ street art by the new Banksy, who looks suspiciously like an enterprising tramp who
Several thousand clear plastic cash-bags, a super king-sized bed sheet and industrial -quality intruder alarm
most likely to say “Good God, no,
on the shopping list
happened upon a can of Halfords Flameco Red spray paint; an eco-friendly new-build in an up-and-coming square kilometre of industrial wasteland alongside the M25; any fund, so long as it’s in a Ucits wrapper.
on the shopping list
and CCTV monitoring. the outlook It all depends on your point of view. If you judge not losing any money as a triumph of epic proportions, then hiding it away is a guaranteed winner. Of course, if you are of that persuasion, then you’re hardly likely to be getting a colossal bonus anyway.
casual investor has been on the wrong end of a proper seeing-to of late, which surely means there’s another boom around the corner. That’s how it works, right?
When a large amount of money just isn’t enough, what you need is more money. You need to invest. philosophy Make your money work for you, though not as hard as your gallerist, property transaction facilitator and broker.
taxpayer fully expects you to fritter your bonus on Ferraris, yachts and watches large enough to land a helicopter on. So why not surprise Mr Taxpayer by withdrawing the lot and stashing it under your bed for a rainy day? You can’t be too careful, nor can you ever get burgled. philosophy If the financial crisis has taught us anything (which it obviously
hasn’t, has it?), it’s that however safe you think your investments are, they’re probably not. Risk-free has now become risk-ee. What safer way to guarantee the security of your bonus than by putting it in your own hands rather than leaving it at the mercy of irresponsible bankers or, heaven forfend, the property market?
spending habits The
the investor spending
£ the saver
Money. Got balls? Got brains? Got roughly the same amount of balls and brains? Well, you still probably won’t win. the shopping list 1x Ladbrokes account; 1x bottle of scotch; 1x box of Kleenex. most likely to say “Not a loss – a crucial part of my overall strategy.”
a high-roller, riding a wave of fortune, skill and cash from Ascot to Vegas. Lady Luck doesn’t just smile at you – she winks, flashes a bit of ankle and texts pictures of herself in her undercrackers.
vours the brave, bookies favour the stupid. outlook “You gotta have two things to win. You gotta have brains and you gotta have balls. Now, you got too much of one and not enough of the other,” says Paul Newman’s veteran hustler in The Colour of
spending habits You’re
philosophy Fortune fa-
▽ This month...
THE PARROT AR.DRONE
LIVE IMAGE STREAMING AR.Drone Games augment this video with 3D objects to create an immersive experience.
– By Matt Huckle
35,000 RPM These high-efficiency fans were specially designed for the AR.Drone.
EXPANDABLE POLYPROPYLENE This hull can be removed for outside use, providing greater control.
ANALYST 24 SQUAREMILE
VIA WIFI Your iPhone will use an ad hoc connection to link to the drone’s Wifi network.
IN QUAD WE TRUST IF YOU have completed
Angry Birds on your iPhone and are now looking for something slightly more impressive from the App Store, the Parrot AR.Drone might fit the bill. The AR.Drone is an airborne ‘quadrocopter’ that can be controlled
from up to 50m away using WiFi via an iPhone, iTouch or iPad. The airborne drone uses four 15W brushless motors, which spin at 35,000 rpm to keep it hovering in the air and help reach a top speed of more than 11mph. The drone’s on board
Linux computer system controls an ultrasound altimeter, three accelerometers and three gyrometers, which allow the drone to maintain stable flight at heights of six meters. Two cameras are housed inside: a vertical one that ensures the
drone maintains stability and position by focusing on a fixed point on the ground; and a forward-facing one providing live video feedback directly to your iPhone – ideal for perving on any fit neighbours. One of the more fancy features occurs if
you receive a phone call during flight: the drone’s autopilot will kick in and automatically land the aircraft safely for you, helpfully relieving you from the terrible stress of multitasking. ■ The Parrot AR.Drone costs £299 and is available from hmv.com
Blissful escapes, created by our trusted experts.
VOTED THE WOR LD’S LEADING TOUR OPER ATOR FOR 11 YEARS IN A ROW • W W W.K UONI.CO.UK
CITYBOY: HOW TO
BOOST YOUR BONUS… …WHILE WE TELL YOU HOW TO
SPUNK YOUR BONUS WITH STYLE
ILLUSTRATION by Mark Oliver illustrationweb.com/MarkOliver
ZFE ATU RES
FOOD FOR THOUGHT What makes one trader cautious and another adventurous? Are traders a breed apart? Not according to the psychiatrists and behaviourists who make a living observing and analysing them…
10 WAYS TO MAXIMISE YOUR
BONUS 28 SQUAREMILE
ILLUSTRATION by Mark Oliver illustrationweb.com/MarkOliver
There are ways of making sure you get a huge bonus, says GERAINT ANDERSON. Doing your job well is the last resort – behind lying, cheating, arselicking and blackmail
IT NOW SEEMS clear that the City bonuses being dished out this month and next are going to be down on last year. The Centre for Economics and Business Research (CEBR) has estimated that Cityboys will be raking in a mere £7bn and that those nasty chaps at the Inland Revenue will be nicking about £4bn of that hard-earned pittance. What’s worse is that 2011 looks likely to be even more disappointing. The number of lay-offs that have already been announced by City firms suggests that this year may be more about not losing your job than bragging about how big your boner, sorry bonus, is. Apparently, Ferrari salesmen, cocaine dealers and even Peter Stringfellow are holding their heads in despair about the upcoming hit to their revenues. However, just because your firm’s overall bonus pool looks likely to be lower doesn’t mean you have to suffer too. If you can get real and begin to consider your so-called ‘colleagues’ as merely competitors for the diminished bonus pool (as they are surely viewing you) ▶ squaremile.com
only played a minor role in proceedings, then make sure you talk to your dimwit boss about how “John really did help me (a tiny bit) secure our role as the senior advisor to BP on that interesting new divestment – you shouldn’t totally forget him come bonus time”. There was nothing I preferred more than a falsely magnanimous aside that was actually designed to downplay a colleague’s role in something that was entirely his baby…
▶ then maybe, just maybe, you’ll come out of the boss’s office in a year’s time like the cat who got the cream. During my 12-year City career I would estimate that I earned 30-40% more than many colleagues who were more able, diligent and productive than me. I achieved this by implementing certain tried and tested methods, some of which had been passed down to me by senior colleagues. Doing your job well at a City firm is only half the battle… cunning office politics is what really sorts the men from the boys. Below, for the first time ever, I disclose the top ten tricks that helped me earn far more than was possibly justified by my paltry contribution to the bottom line. Blow your own trumpet The City is no place for wilting flowers. If you achieve anything remotely impressive make sure everyone knows about it… though try to be subtle. Don’t send a blast email around the bank openly bragging about a major trade some client’s just done (as one ex-colleague foolishly used to do occasionally, merely giving the impression that such trades were rare).
Instead, mention your ‘success’ in passing at the end of a routine email eg, “BTW – someone needs to take out those boys from Fidelity for a sixgrand champagne and coke bender at Spearmint Rhino after the massive trade they did in United Utilities yesterday”. Steal your colleagueS’ thunder Let’s face it; any achievement by one of your colleagues is probably a result of your work, really. If you can’t sell that idea to senior colleagues then you’re in the wrong job, my friend. So, if someone in your team has successfully pitched for some godforsaken corporate deal but you
●● if you achieve anything that is even remotely impressive make sure everyone knows about it…
KiSS the BoSS’S flaBBy arSe Sounds obvious but I saw socially inept dingbats fail to do this year in year out. No matter how objective an employer’s bonus calculation supposedly is, emotions inevitably always play a role. If you can pretend you actually like the repugnant degenerate who rules your world he’s more likely to treat you well. Subtle arse-kissing to the head honcho who’s ultimately deciding your bonus at the right time of year could add an extra £10-20K to your final figure. taKe out Senior colleagueS who could influence the BonuS Many juniors forget that the big cheese is a busy man who’ll be taking soundings from people lower down the pecking order when slicing up the bonus cake. Identify who the boss’s ‘advisers’ are and ask them out for a drink as you’re after some ‘advice’. No one, especially not a banker, can resist an invitation to affirm his seniority and condescendingly impart his hard-earned wisdom. Fool these dumbass losers into thinking you like/ respect them by nodding occasionally as they spout their meaningless wibble. get a joB offer elSewhere Six out of my 12 bonuses were guaranteed, which is a particularly pleasing state of affairs during troubled times. I did this by either moving bank or threatening to move. Obviously, you have to be half-decent to get away with this, otherwise they’ll simply let you go, but banks don’t like the disruption caused by a departure. This is especially true at insecure, mid-tier banks where middle managers’ principal fear is that
of a mass defection occurring on their watch. Hence, timing is vital. If you are the last in a line of several high-profile departures from your division, then the men in grey suits are more likely to bend over backwards to keep you. This trick is less easy to do now but if you’re any good you can still play this game. Just remember you should initially appear absolutely adamant that you’re going to move (eg, present your boss with a signed letter of resignation), otherwise they’ll see through your scam and only offer a paltry increase. You must also be prepared to make the move just in case they foolishly feel you are expendable. Finally, feel free to exaggerate the offer you received from the rival firm as, in my experience, they never check it and it will generally be at least ‘met’. It goes without saying that you should held out for a 15-20% increase on the already-exaggerated offer that the rival firm initially ‘made’. Be ‘accidently’ overheard talking to head hunters/competitors Firms will only ever pay you as little as they can get away with. If they think you’re sought after and they need your services then they WILL pay up. I used to get mates to call me up during the ‘critical month’ and then have theatrically hushed conversations with Ted Hunter (as my team used to call all ‘recruitment consultants’). I’d whisper self-consciously things like ‘I can’t really talk now’ and ‘yes, my mobile number is X, why not call me this evening?’ If you can time these nonsense conversations to when your boss is doing the rounds and perhaps even fake a blush as soon as the call’s ended, then you get the double bonus of appearing desired but also a little embarrassed about the disloyalty those evil big-paying bastards are tempting you to commit. Remember, if you’re ever questioned about specifics, known discussions you’re having with rival firms, simply explain that you are “merely finding out what my market value is”, which is accepted practice and hence a wonderful get-out-of-jail-free card.
●● no matter how generous the offer, do an impression of a bulldog licking piss off a nettle express disgust at your previous Bonus If you foolishly indicated that you were satisfied with the paltry sum those gutless comedians deigned to offer you last time it will have been duly noted and you’ll receive something similar this year. I have heard of certain naive cretins suggesting to their boss
that they are not only happy with the insulting amount their bank has offered them but also that they have motivations other than making wonga. This kind of scurrilous talk offends my every fibre. I just wish all my colleagues had expressed such sentiments during my City career. Hell’s bells, maximising my bonus relative to them really would have been like stealing candy off a baby. So, every year, on hearing the bonus amount from your boss, no matter how outrageously generous, immediately do an impression of a bulldog licking piss off a nettle. Why not practise this in front of the mirror before your all-important meeting? If the bonus is genuinely bad then I would say, with a sad expression on your face, something like: “I’m afraid, as a result of the farcical pittance you have insulted me with, that I will no ▶
▶ longer be ignoring the incessant calls I receive every day from the thousands of head hunters out there who are clearly desperate to place me at a decent firm where my almost unfathomable brilliance will be properly rewarded.” That should just about do it. Work like a maniac during ‘the critical month’ If you have a big research note to publish or a major marketing schedule to organise, for God’s sake make sure it coincides with the month when bonuses are decided (usually November or December). There are few ‘achievements’ that cannot be brought forward or delayed so as to be at the forefront of your boss’s mind as he divvies up the bonus pie. Busy people have short memories so some major corporate deal you helped organise in March may play little role come bonus time (unless of course you remind him of it). If you feel you haven’t achieved much why not ask friendly clients to email your boss positive comments in November or even postpone major trades until this month? Blackmail Desperate times call for desperate measures. This trick is particularly useful if you have a dodgy relationship with your boss, have achieved diddly squat all year or feel he’s vulnerable to such ‘motivation’ thanks to the whiterthan-whiter image he likes to present. Obviously, it’s very high risk and your pitch should never, ever be blatantly spelt out. A ‘friend’ once sat at his boss’s desk discussing the highly controversial
time his superior went into the back room of ‘The Crazy Horse’ strip club in Vegas with two delightful ladies called Simone and Ebony. He recounted this sordid tale while delicately fingering the photo of the boss’s wonderful family that was prominently positioned on his vast mahogany desk. Subtle things like that might just work. do your joB Well I know this is a ball-ache and requires
●● For god’s sake, don’t waste your brain on doing your job: use it to maximise your earnings
a lot more time and effort than the previous recommendations … but it’s something vaguely worth considering if you want to make some money in the City. If you can make yourself vital to your organisation or genuinely deliver profits it will obviously play some role in your remuneration. However, make sure you discover what the primary metrics that influence your bonus are. For example, as the leader of a team of analysts I knew that it was the Extel/ Institutional Investor external rankings that played the biggest role in my pay and hence they became my chief goals. These were easily identifiable targets that were publicly available and theoretically resulted in attracting corporate work to my bank (a supposed benefit that was pleasingly nebulous). While commission was important, traders and salesmen all used to claim that it was they who had persuaded the client to buy or sell the relevant shares rather than my team of analysts. Hence, commission (theoretically, the main profitable revenue stream associated with an analyst team) was never my highest priority. If you’ve managed to get a decent job in the City then you’ve (probably) got a reasonable brain in your head. For God’s sake, don’t waste it on doing your job: use it to maximise your earnings potential. After all, you haven’t entered the Square Mile to cure cancer or fulfil your artistic ambitions; you’ve done so to make as much cash as you possibly can… and if you don’t get the office politics bit right you can bet your bottom dollar that your so-called ‘colleagues’ will. ■ Geraint Anderson is author of ‘Cityboy – Beer and Loathing in the Square Mile’; cityboy.biz
minds What makes a trader tick? This isn’t a gag, but a serious question. Jon Hawkins delves inside the mind of a trader, with a little help from the experts EvEry grEat story needs a villain, and the financial crisis is one of the great stories of our time. You can pick your own villain of the piece from a virtually endless cast of bankers, politicians, regulators and the general public, but few groups can stake so convincing a claim for the role as traders. As the world saw it, these buyers and sellers of doom were not just the architects of economic downfall; they shamelessly profited from it. Raised on a diet of Gordon Gekko and years of prosperity, they gorged on easy money, sex, cocaine and high-stakes risk-taking. They were the walking, talking, screaming-into-theirphones manifestation of the greed that finally burst the capitalist bubble, and then immediately started inflating it again.
●● raised on a diet of gekko and prosperity, they gorged on easy money, sex, cocaine and risk 34 squareMile
This might be a grossly distorted caricature (or, then again, it might not), but how much do any of us – even in the City – actually know about what goes on inside the brain of a trader; what makes one trader brilliant and one bankrupt, and what makes a City trader different from the average man on the street? One man who should know is Professor Mark Fenton-O’Creevy of the Open University, who has been carrying out research on financial traders since the late 1990s by interviewing and observing them and, more recently, by wiring them up to heart-rate monitors to record their emotional reactions to trading. Fenton-O’Creevy’s first study on traders was motivated by an interest in risk-taking behaviour and, contrary to what you might expect given their reputation, he says traders do not seek out risk any more than non-traders. “The evidence in their personality make-up is that traders have no greater propensity for taking risk than anyone else. There’s no evidence in our work that traders are especially risk-taking individuals, but they have a willingness to bear risk for reward.” But rather than being emotionless robots built to feel nothing in the face of turbulent markets, Fenton O’Creevy admits he was surprised by just how emotional traders are, observing that ▶
▶ the very best traders are acutely aware of their emotions but are also better at managing and working with them. “One thing that experienced, high-performing traders emphasise is that they do still care about their trades, but the peaks and troughs of emotion are less extreme,” he explains. “But, importantly, when they’re managing their emotions they don’t do it by pretending they don’t have them.” When Fenton-O’Creevy asked senior traders and trader managers what they believed separated the top performers from the moderate performers, he found they often struggled to articulate the difference, attributing superior performances to “flair”, a “nose for the markets” and the ability to “pull the trigger”. Hedge fund manager Lex van Dam, who traded at Goldman Sachs for ten years but is perhaps best known for creating the BBC television series Million Dollar Traders, notes a similar trait in the best traders, which he calls “street-smart”. “Great traders don’t wait for the market to tell them what they should be thinking, they are able to preempt,” he tells square mile. “Street-smart is about knowing when something doesn’t add-up or waiting when everyone else wants to buy. It’s about following your convictions.” This, according to Fenton O’Creevy, isn’t magic. What traders refer to as ‘gut
●● When traders are managing their emotions they don’t do it by pretending they don’t have them feel’ – and what he calls intuitive decision making – is purely about recognising a situation without necessarily having to process consciously what’s going on. Where less well-performing traders tended to talk about intuition as a mystical thing – a ‘feeling’ the market was going down, for example – high-performers referred to the way in which they brought their intuition together with analysis, and from where their intuition stems. While the difference between the best traders and the rest is instructive, perhaps what reveals more about the psychological make-up of the trader can be seen in comparison to the average man on the street. And on this, van Dam’s insight is particularly pertinent, because in Million Dollar Traders, in which he gave a group of eight individuals $1m of his own money to trade for two months, he was attempting to turn ordinary people with no background in banking or knowledge of the financial markets into traders. He succeeded, at least in part – the group lost a total of 2.4% over the period, compared with a loss of 5% for the market as a whole. Van Dam concedes that not everybody is capable of being a trader, but says there is no single formula for identifying a future star of the dealing room. “It’s very difficult to look at a person
and predict whether they can trade based on superficial observations, or your own preconceptions of what a great trader should look like,” says van Dam. One key requirement, however, is the ability to continually handle high levels of stress – trading is “super-stressful” says van Dam, who still feels nerves, excitement and self-doubt even after almost two decades of trading. “If a trade goes wrong it can make you feel sick, and if it goes well you tend to feel happy, but you never feel as happy when it goes well as you feel miserable when it goes badly,” he explains. “It’s a job with a lot of lows and very few highs.” Dr Philip Hopley is deputy medical director of the Priory Hospital in Roehampton, which specialises in the management and treatment of mental health problems, and also a consultant psychiatrist with London-based partnership LPP. Both roles expose him to patient referrals from the City for stress and burnout, and while he acknowledges that it’s virtually impossible to single out traders in particular, as he reels off a list of the key stressors commonly identified in City patients it’s clear every one is applicable to those in financial trading: “High workload, lack of resources to support that high workload, long hours, lack of work-life balance, the intensity of work, time pressure and the prospect of what might lie ahead in the economy.” The latter point is especially relevant, and Hopley says LPP observed an increase in City referrals around six months after the financial crisis struck. After a delay of around six months, which he attributes to people putting their heads down for fear of being seen as vulnerable to the obvious stress and strain, there was a notable upsurge in referrals. Has there been a reduction in referrals since? “Not at all,” he tells us. “After that initial peak, things settled down to a level slightly above where it had been before the economic downturn, and it has stayed at that level.” In most other jobs, the levels of stress endured by traders simply wouldn’t be tolerated, but then few professions reward their participants like trading. And it is this aspect of the job, and
all the trappings that are perceived to accompany it – the jeroboams of champagne, the Lamborghinis, the winter holidays in St Barts – that sticks most in the craw with the general public. The macho culture of braggadocio, conspicuous consumption and excessive bonus payouts does little to endear City traders to the general public. But the money is not, claims Sandy Jadeja, chief technical analyst at financial spread-betting firm City Index, the motivation for most. “Most top traders will look at trading as game; how do I beat the system? How do I win? It’s all about devising a strategy to win.” Van Dam says similar: “It’s the most competitive game in the world, and if you’re good at it you can make a lot of money. I haven’t found another job I’ve enjoyed as much.” So how do you go about winning the most competitive game in the world? Stamina, according to City Index’s Jadeja. “Professional traders can withstand some of the most painful periods – the losing rounds – and Joe Public doesn’t do that. Every losing trade hurts them, and they look and focus on that trade alone whereas they need to be focusing on the bigger picture. It’s not about winning in the first round.” Successful professional traders are, he explains, continuing the boxing analogy, more Muhammad Ali than Mike Tyson: they stick around for 12 or 13 rounds rather than going in to achieve a knockout with the first punch. “Traders need to be in it for the long term,” he says. “You have to say ‘I could have losing periods lasting months, but I know that in five years my account portfolio will be much higher up.’” Fenton-O’Creevy also highlights the ability to bear bad feeling for long periods as being a key differential between high- and moderate-performing traders, saying: “It’s about having the honesty to recognise when you’ve made a bad decision, while also having the courage to persist with what you have good reason to believe is the right decision in the face of a lot of pressure. “What that means is a willingness to feel bad often over an extended period
of time in the interests of not succumbing to illusions about what’s going on and ignoring information,” he adds.
●● Professional traders can withstand some of the most painful periods – the losing rounds
He is also at pains to point out, though, that there are a lot of successful traders with widely different personality types. “On average, though, the more successful ones had some tendency to be introverted, emotionally stable and open to experience,” he tells us. It’s not a description you would traditionally attribute to the villainous, but then perhaps we’re all capable of filling that role in one way or another. Traders aren’t so different from the rest of us – they just happen to get paid more. ■ The print above (‘Lorna, Budapest, 2004’) and this month’s cover image (‘Clara, Vienna, 2001’) are part of a range of limited editions of ten by the French photographer Dahmane. They are available to buy (£825) from obsessionart.com
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ILLUSTRATIONS in this section by Jamel Akib
CZZ ZIT ZZY
I LIKE THE TASTE OF CHAMPAGNE Not cheap cider (groan). Our new columnist, The Cheapsider, gives the inside low-down on spunking ÂŁ20k in a night come bonus season before going back to expensing everything
IG INDEX PROMOTION
From Home Trading to Roam Trading If you don’t have an iPhone, BlackBerry or Android, where have you been? IG Index’s DAVID JONES on how you can manage your portfolio on the hoof
TECHNOLOGY HAS PLAYED a key part in the evolution of spread betting over the last decade. As PC ownership proliferated and high-speed internet connections became the norm, delivering real-time information to clients – prices, charts, news – opened up the financial markets to a host of new participants. This innovation has continued, giving clients more sophisticated trading platforms, analysis tools and the ability to automate major parts of the trading process by placing orders to open and close positions and stop losses to manage risk. The growth experienced over the years has not seen the industry sit on its hands and there continues to be further enhancements and additions made. The most obvious technological progression in recent years has been mobile trading. As smart phones and BlackBerrys increased in popularity, these platforms gave clients the ability to trade on the
go – even if they were away from the PC screen there was no reason the profit or loss of a position couldn’t be checked; or new trades opened. What has catapulted mobile trading to the next level is, of course, the iPhone. Where previous incarnations of mobile trading were perfectly functional but stripped down versions of the ‘proper’ trading platform, the iPhone app now lets clients have an all-singing, all-dancing trading platform wherever they are. Using the IG Index experience as an example, when our app was launched last summer we had 12,000 downloads within the first month and fairly quickly it resulted in a doubling of the daily volume of trades carried out by mobile. This is no mean feat considering that trading on other mobile devices had been available for more than five years. Even if someone isn’t a client of IG the app lets them check real-time prices for some of the most popular markets. The ubiquity of the iPhone as the gadget of choice recently has, of course, helped but it is not the only option. There is plenty of support out there for Android phones, and many companies – IG Index included – have an optimised log-in especially for these users. This new raft of mobile technology means that other functionality can be added, which just wasn’t possible on the earlier generation of smart phones. The major benefit for many clients has been the inclusion of charts into the mobile phone application – so now a short-, medium- or longterm graph of the market’s performance can be viewed in an instant – and will
●● We had 12,000 downloads of our app in the first month; it soon doubled trades done by mobile
automatically update. This means that if you want to analyse the last week’s trend for the FTSE 100 on the 7:35 from Godalming, it’s at your fingertips. It is fair to say that, at the moment, this does not mean the death of the PCbased trading platform. Size restrictions on mobile screens will still mean that many people will be happier doing more in-depth analysis at their desk. But the advancements made in mobile trading in recent years mean that it is no longer just a price-checking device and it has been made very easy to move stop losses; analyse charts and read breaking news – then go on to try to profit from this. ■ DAVID JONES is chief market strategist at the leading spread betting company IG Index. He runs regular online seminars on topics such as spread betting; forex; and risk management, which can be accessed direct from the IG Index website: igindex.co.uk
The Word Wide Web Creator People laughed when JIMMY WALES had the idea of a global user-generated encyclopedia. Now his site is No 5 in the world
JIMMY WALES STARTED his career trading futures and options with Chicago Options Associates in 1994. Obsessed with the internet, and inspired by the 1995 Netscape IPO, he co-founded web portal Bomis before starting out on a project to create an online encyclopedia populated with expert-written, peerreviewed content, called Nupedia. Along with Nupedia’s editor-in-chief, Larry Sanger, in 2001 Wales set up a separate domain alongside Nupedia to enable the public to contribute and edit articles using a new collaborative ‘wiki’ model. Wikipedia now contains around 22 million articles in 272 different languages, and is owned and run by the non-profit Wikimedia foundation in San Francisco.
On his role as de facto leader I’m very active in the English-language Wikipedia community, helping to set policy and working on deeper constitutional issues about how we organise our social structure within the community. I’m also very active in working with the small-language communities, reaching out to them, and trying to figure out what help they need with growing Wikipedia in their languages. I also travel constantly, giving speeches and meeting our volunteers.
On the transition from trading futures and options to creating Wikipedia I was very excited about the internet. I’d been using it for quite some time, even before the world wide web came about. When Netscape went public and was valued at over $4bn I realised something really big was going on, and that was when I decided I should focus on the internet. I’ve always liked doing whatever’s the most interesting thing out there and that was of great interest to me.
On how much Wikipedia costs to run on a month-to-month basis? A better way to look at it is that our budget this year is around $20m. That number includes a lot of growth in spending next year as we’re trying some new things in a big push into trying to accelerate the growth of Wikipedia in the developing world. So in terms of the bare costs of running Wikipedia, it would be lower than that. That budget includes a lot of aggressive spending on expansion.
On Wikipedia’s growth I was very optimistic from the beginning. I remember looking at a list of the top 100 websites and seeing an encyclopaedia site at around number 50 and I thought: “If we do a really good job we could be in the top 100 or even at number 50.” Today, we’re the fifth most popular website in the world, so it has certainly far exceeded my expectations – in that regard, at least.
On the relationship between Google and Wikipedia We have no formal agreement with Google. They did donate $2m, which we were very grateful for, but there were no strings attached. It was just a donation.
On public perception of his role I’m get some funny emails from time to time from people complaining to me directly about some erroneous playing stats for some cricket player in the 1930s. I’m always tempted to write back and say: “Oh, I’m sorry, I was working late that night and must have made a mistake.” On the most edited pages It varies. It was always George W Bush’s page, and now he’s no longer president it’s slowed down, so recently it would be Barack Obama. But it also depends on what’s in the news. My own page is edited sometimes, but I’m boring...
Swahili-speakers who don’t speak English will be clamouring to learn; Wikipedia will be there
On what he would have done differently over the last decade? Obviously, there have been things that haven’t gone well at different times, but in general, I wouldn’t have done anything differently. I think what we did was the best we knew how to do at the time, and at various times along the way. There are very few things that I feel we should have done radically differently early on. On the openness of the site It’s definitely more open now than ever. It’s driven more than anything else by our quest for quality, and we find that the more open we are the higher quality we achieve. It’s a subtle point but an interesting one, I think. On the next big internet movement I still think there’s a long way to go with collaborative projects of all kinds, and I think we’re going to see a lot of new things emerge from collaborative efforts to create video. Right now, video is at the stage that text was in ten years ago, where individuals could put up text and make a website and so on, but we didn’t really have large-scale collaborative projects to build things. In video that’s where we are today – anybody can throw up a video on YouTube, but we don’t do collaborative editing and things like that. I think that’s one of the things we’re going to see in the future.
On the future of Wikipedia We’ve got a long way to go, particularly in the developing world, and I spend more and more of my time focused on trying to help them with promotion. It’s the main thing I’m useful for in that case – because I can’t speak, say, Tamil or Swahili, I can’t help edit Tamil or Swahili Wikipedia – but I can help them by making appearances there and speaking to their press about the local language site, and that’s very helpful. It brings in new traffic for the sites. On developing countries Wikipedia is an agent for change in these developing countries. In a lot of languages we’re going to be the first real encyclopaedia they’ve ever had in that language. For example, in the Swahili Wikipedia we have 18,000 articles, and that’s by far the largest encyclopaedia – in fact the only encyclopaedia, or so I am informed – that’s ever existed in the Swahili language. And while 18,000 articles may be considered pretty small by our standards, it starts to be really useful for native Swahili speakers. For a long time there’s been a misunderstanding that all people who have computers can speak English or French or whatnot, no matter where they are in the world. But as the price of using the internet comes down, and as more and more people are connected via mobile, that’s no longer true, and in fact will become less true over time. All of the native Swahili-speaking people who don’t speak English will really be clamouring to learn things and Wikipedia will be there, so I’m really excited about that. We always had a very global outlook – a free encyclopaedia in all the languages of the world – and development over time has been what you would expect. It’s normal that you would see the European languages, and Japanese and Chinese, grow earlier into something very large, and the languages in the poorer parts of the world would naturally take more time as there are not so many people in those regions online yet. ■ – Jon Hawkins Jimmy Wales is a brand ambassador for Maurice Lacroix watches. mauricelacroix.com
WELCOME TO MY WORLD
SEEING CLEARLY: A MAN OF VISION JON HAWKINS meets Oakley CEO Colin Baden and hears how they plan to dominate the 3D glasses market
IT’S A REASONABLE bet that few, if any, other CEOs of major sports brands started out as architects, but then Oakley is that kind of company, and Colin Baden is that kind of CEO. Baden was a partner at Seattle-based Lewis Architects for six years, joining California-based Oakley to work on design projects for the company’s founder, Jim Jannard, and rising to president in 1999 and CEO in 2009. Jannard founded Oakley in 1975 before selling it to Italian eyewear giant Luxottica in 2007 for around $2.1bn. Now Baden and his team have turned their attention to 3D media, creating the world’s first optically correct 3D glasses. Was it an easy decision to move into the 3D market? COLIN BADEN About two years ago we realised that people were starting to take a long-term view on 3D media; we could see, through 2011 and 2012, film production, and through our work with athletes, that entities like ESPN were going to invest heavily in it. In the hardware space we were starting to get approached SQUARE MILE
by console manufacturers like Xbox and set manufacturers like LG and Samsung, so we could tell there was going to be a point where all this was going to come together, and thought, ‘Wouldn’t it be nice to be the standard platform for interfacing with this whole 3D world?’. We also had the opportunity to use DreamWorks’ facilities for development, which was great as they have all the current platforms within their compound and technicians solely concerned with delivering a quality media experience. SM And is passive technology the way the industry as a whole is going? CB We think so. In Q1 of 2011 at CES [2011 International Consumer Electronics Show] all but one major set manufacturer announced that they are going to be delivering passive screens for home use, and all of the key gaming platforms are developing content for 3D gaming. I think the consumer’s still a little bit confused about it right now, but that’s OK – all we want to be is first, and we want to be there at the moment when the business model makes sense and starts working. SM What other areas outside of 3D is Oakley exploring at the moment? CB We’re not expanding product categories. I view 3D as a lens business; we have a portfolio of lenses for different conditions, and this just happens to be a lens you can use for 3D. We have the 2012 Olympics coming up, so we’re busy working on frame inventions that will be relevant outside of lenses at the games, and we tend to debut these things in specific ways so by the time we get to the Olympics we’ve got the maximum amount of anticipation built into the system. We have put a lot of energy into the emerging markets, and we recently put on the largest
FACTS MACHINE Oakley started out the back of a van with just $300. Its first product was a motorcross handgrip that offered greater grip the more you sweat.
ever snowboarding event, right next to the Bird’s Nest stadium in Beijing. China is extremely keen on promoting winter sports, developing their resorts and also want to be able to easily access the mountains outside of Beijing. They’re going to build a bullet train that will go from Beijing to the mountains and a city that would potentially be capable of hosting a winter Olympic event. They were the ones who came to us and said: “We want to be big in winter sports and we want you to be part of our partnership to do it.” This big-air snowboarding event with our brand ambassador Shaun White will be part of the masterplan for the brand. SM Are you planning to expand the Oakley brand in 2011? CB I’d say that, if you look at some of the categories we’re in there’s still a lot of leverage left – a lot. In 2010, we had total sales of $1.1bn, and we have aspirations to make that $2bn by 2014. SM Presumably the US is by far the biggest market for Oakley? CB It’s only half. I would rank it thus: North America, Europe, then a close tie between Asia-Pacific and South America – particularly Brazil. SM You’ve taken a fairly unconventional route to becoming a CEO… CB I have. I was drawing houses for Jim Jannard, and no matter how hard I tried I got sucked down south into Orange County to work on architectural projects for Oakley. I came down to Oakley because it was going public as a company and Jim didn’t have the bandwidth to sit and design and was keen to get things done. I really wanted to build some of those houses
welcome to my world
we’d drawn but didn’t seem to be getting anywhere so I figured if I came down to Orange County for a while and got some stuff put to bed, then I could go back and we could finish a house. So here I am 15 years later; we have not finished a house. SM Is Jim Jannard still involved in the company in any capacity? CB Yeah, through terse emails that say “what the fuck are you doing”? But seriously, we’re still connected and still do things together, and he still occasionally stops in and talks to the design team. He was one of the guys kicking our butts about 3D and saying “you’ve got to do this”. SM How does your background in design and architecture shape the way you are as a CEO? CB I still find it good for the brand to stay as active as I can on design. I spend a lot more time on the road than I possibly would have imagined, but the fun part is that I probably spend a portion of my time just tying to keep the culture dangerous. Being a heat-shield for things that may not seem appropriately corporate, such as buying a tank, is OK. I often remind myself that we are an irreverent brand – if we get too much into product briefs and forget this then some of the magic that makes stuff happen will be lost. Occasionally I’ll send an email saying: “Hey, if anybody’s got anything really cool we can crush with the tank, bring it out front now.” The fact I can send an email like that is very telling. Being bought by Luxottica put a lot of fear into a lot of people about what the place was going to become, but certainly none of the fears that I heard back in 2007 have come to pass. I would say that at a lot of levels of the organisation there’s a lot more interaction, which from a group perspective is a good thing – but is a little onerous when you already have a lot to do in a day. SM And how did the whole tank thing go down with Luxottica? CB Well, Andrea Guerra, CEO of Luxottica, showed up at our HQ soon after the merger was announced and
●● I send emails that say “If anybody’s got anything cool we can crush with the tank, bring it out front”
spoke to the team. He had a Jansport backpack – we transferred the contents into one of ours. After he left we went out into the desert with all our machine guns, put his old Jansport bag on a rock and unloaded thousands of rounds into it. So the next time he came by us at Oakley I said “Hey, you’ve got to watch this great video of your backpack.” He was just sitting there, shaking his head, like, “I really don’t get you guys.” ■ oakley.com
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why the city is a true brit angela KnigHt gets why the public is angry over bankers’ bonuses – but argues that the City is paying its way in tax
How many ligHtbulb moments does it take to change a banker? Just one, but the banker must really want to change. And maybe, with bank results and bonuses top of the agenda, we’ve finally got to that moment. I honestly believe the City understands why the rest of the country – outside the bubble of the Square Mile – gets pretty hot under the collar about pay which seems, in isolation, to be over the top. But the thing about bankers’ bonuses is that they’re not paid in isolation to other bankers – and there’s the rub. In the UK we have two financial services industries: one domestic; the other international. And the latter is in the market for global business and talent. But how are we to attract, reward and retain key people if the pool in which we are fishing for talent operates by different rules to us? In the UK, rules on bankers’ pay and bonuses mean reward is not just a matter for your boss, your company or even your shareholders. The Financial Services Authority also plays a key role as it now has direct regulatory oversight of pay – rules to which all UK banks are subject and which go further than other countries. squaremile.com
The New Year ushered in the FSA’s new remuneration code. It imposes tight restrictions on what can be paid – and how you can take your money. Indeed, not only do key people have to agree their bonus targets with the regulator, but most of any performance award won’t be paid in cash at all. The lion’s share of any bonus has to be locked away for several years and even then can be clawed back if your performance doesn’t retain a sufficiently rosy glow in hindsight. The cash part – which can only be paid straight away if the FSA agrees – goes straight to the taxman. And this doesn’t just catch the publicly vilified banking industry as the old code did – that was so tightly drawn it only had a direct impact on around 2,000 people. But the new code casts its net more widely than before, bringing many others within the scope of the rules. Now, it is true that similar rules are being introduced to other EU member states. But the world’s other major financial centres – principally in the US – are neither applying such restrictions or facing public pressure to do so. So why not – and should we be thinking along the same lines? In the US, anger at bankers ebbed away as state support waned. Clearly, being on a clear path to repay the taxpayer, as well as stepping up to help finance the economic recovery, will play a part here. And consider this – much of our financial services industry trades
●● the uK’s financial services industry paid £54bn in tax to the exchequer last year. that was even before the one-off bank payroll tax…
globally. But our banks pay their taxes here in the UK. Even now, financial services pay more UK corporation tax than any other business sector and account for some 10% of our GDP. The UK’s financial services industry paid £54bn in tax to the Exchequer last year. That was even before the one-off bank payroll tax was counted in. This year – as well as corporation tax – banks will pay a levy that will raise an estimated £2.5bn. The highest-paid employees – and remember, financial services employs around 1.1 million people – will also be subject to the new 50% top rate. Now, I support getting the tax equation right. And feel everyone should pay their dues. And the City is in no doubt about the debt we owe the taxpayer for the help we received. So it is no surprise that politicians of every stripe have said they want to extract maximum tax revenue from the banking sector. The chancellor of the exchequer said it in his spending review last October. Labour’s Alan Johnson, when shadow chancellor, confirmed his party was committed to doing the same. But everyone can see there comes a tipping point beyond which an over-onerous tax burden will result in diminishing tax returns. And, do we really want to sleep-walk into chasing business out of London? I believe policy-makers need to think carefully about how we ensure the UK continues to attract this valuable business. And, while we are all pulling together in the best interest of the UK economy, it is also true to say that, until we have pay constraint for bankers worldwide, not just in the UK, remuneration will continue to question the future of London as a global financial centre – and act as a barrier to rebuilding trust between bankers and customers. So, when the media circus on bonuses moves on, we must have acted to keep global banking in the UK. I, for one, would rather not be clearing up afterwards if that show leaves town. ■ AngelA knight is the CEO of the British Bankers’ Association and regular columnist for square mile. For more, see squaremile.com
THE HOUSE ALWAYS WINS No, not what you first got drunk on aged 13, THE CHEAPSIDER is our new columnist who sniffs out City stories like a rat sniffs out dumped chicken wings
ONCE A QUARTER comes the moment every broker has been waiting for: bonus time. It’s what we have slaved for, the only time our bank accounts step into the black, when our salary covers our excessive spending, and the bonus – the icing on the cake – turns us into Cheshire cats, even if just for a short moment. We are flush for a second – it’s the one time we don’t put everything on expenses, and are lords of our domain. As an average broker making up the numbers on your desk, with a decent quarter underneath your belt, you should be expecting £20-£50k; any less and you might as well look for the exit because you’re getting taken for the proverbial ride. Conversely, if you have a certain ‘I don’t know what’ about you, every quarter your bonus should hit six figures. The world is then a happy place; doors open and the ‘expensive room’ at Tiffany’s and the Sloaney shops beckon. This is why we got into the job; this is what people talk about in cocktail bars, in their new tailored suits – the smell of success, and all that comes with it. squaremile.com
As in every hierarchy, for every man that has achieved, there are many who don’t, and that ten-minute meeting in which you sit praying and hoping across from your respected seniors can seem like an eternity. Suddenly, your hopes are obliterated, your prayers crushed, and you leave a broken man, searching for an answer. For most of us, it will have happened – as a junior broker, inevitably – but at least then you know you are working towards a bigger figure. The bitch is when it happens in a bull market, on the back of a good year and, worse, on the back of expectations and necessities. Car payments, house payments, wife payments, mistress payments – oh, the insanity! It’s a slippery slope and one you can slide all the way down. Now everyone is watching, waiting to see what minerals you really have: ”So what you got in the locker room, eh, son?” Cheapsider prediction: I’m long minerals and short pity. Now, some of us, new to the game will grab that cheque, scoff the cream cake whole, and spend it on one big blowout. Jamie’s, Harry’s bar and then on to the chef’s table at Gordon’s – nothing like a good £200 claret, decent steak and a few expletives. Then it’s some drab West End venue with a name designed to allure, like Fantasia or L’Amore, but that might as well be called Dorsia, Patrick Bateman’s favourite haunt. Now you can really let loose; a few bottles here and there, a train of Dom Perignon 2000 – a better year than the ’99, but not better than the ’96 – and you’re happily at £5,000. But we’ve barely even touched the sides – let’s pick up the intensity, boys; this is embarrassing! “Penthouse at the Mayfair
●● “So what you got in the locker room, eh, son?” I’m long minerals and short pity…
please fella, sharpish!” is the best way to solve that problem. By this time you’ve picked up a few stragglers from the dance floor, and you’re on the balcony watching the sun come up, £20,000 in the hole. There’s always next quarter. It’s part of the ‘Circle of City Life’ you see, we make it, we give it straight back, and then we go back to work, cap in hand, because if we don’t then who will? The way our government is yapping at the heels of the big banks like a Jack Russell you’d think our economy doesn’t need people to spend their bonuses. We need these big bonuses. Without them who is going to buy the Lambos and the R8s? Which car salesman is going to buy an Audemars Piguet? Which watch salesman is going to buy a £1,000 table at a Soho club? Which waitress is going to be pay her rent? Which landlord is going to pay his mortgage? Which mortgage company is going to go to the bank and ask for another loan because he has too many toxic assets? Which bank is going to go to the government and ask for another loan, because it’s gagging on toxicity? Oh, the Circle of City Life... ■ THE CHEAPSIDER is a derivatives broker currently working in the City of London.
A Mixed Market Message DAVID MORRISON, CFD
Market Strategist at GFT, on the varying fortunes of global equity markets in 2010 and how 2011 is shaping up for investors
A YEAR AGO, we were celebrating a recovery in equities following the market meltdown caused by the financial crisis. We can now cheer after another year has passed that saw a number of major stock indices end in the black. But while we saw decent percentage gains for the DAX, the FTSE 100, the Dow, Nasdaq and S&P, there were some notable disappointments. In Europe, the French CAC 40 ended down 2%, the Italian MIB fell 14% and Spain’s IBEX finished the year 18% lower. This weakness highlighted just how concerned investors were over the unresolved debt issues in the euro zone, and the divergence between the core countries and their weaker neighbours. Yet despite the severity of the situation, politicians across the European Union, together with the European Central Bank, remain incapable of reaching an agreement over what they should do to ensure the survival of the euro in its current form. As the Eurocrats continue to kick the can down the road, the sovereign and banking debt crisis will intensify as 2011 proceeds. It will be surprising if they are successful in ducking the issues for yet another year.
But European peripherals weren’t the only under-performers last year. Surprisingly, given how bullish many analysts have been on the region, the major Asia-Pacific indices also failed to shine. The Hang Seng ended the year flat, the Japanese Nikkei was down 3% and China’s Shanghai Composite fell 11%. Japan is struggling with massive public debt, an ageing population and a strong yen, which is damaging its export market. In China, a recent pick-up in inflation led to fears that authorities will intensify measures to slow down the rate of economic growth. Over Christmas, the People’s Bank of China announced its second interest rate rise for the year, on top of six increases in its banking required reserve ratios. In the first days of the year, China announced measures to curb property speculation, while the latest data on new loans adds to the argument that we can expect further tightening measures in 2011. Speculators will remain focused on the authorities’ ability to engineer a gentle slowdown in the face of this worrying pick-up in inflation. Investors have to calculate how much tightening is factored into equity prices, but many analysts believe that Chinese policy makers are behind the curve. If so, continued price rises in food and housing will force the People’s Bank of China to take drastic action to avoid social unrest. This would lead to steep falls in asset prices on top of the stock market losses in 2010.
●● Price rises in food and housing will force China to take drastic action to avoid social unrest
US stock indices ended 2010 with decent gains. Yet less than six months ago, the outlook for equity markets looked far from rosy. Back in the summer, investors worried that the US economy was heading back into recession, just as the Fed’s first programme of quantitative easing was coming to an end. This triggered a sharp sell-off in equities. At the end of August, Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke made it clear the Fed would intervene further. Sure enough, at its next meeting in early November, the Federal Open Market Committee announced it would purchase up to $600bn of US Treasury debt until June 2011. This, along with the likely extension of the Bush tax cuts, was enough to goose risk assets and drive US stock indices into the black for the year. In an interview following the FOMC’s decision, Bernanke explained that the Fed’s Treasury purchases would lower yields and so encourage a move into equities. Higher equity prices would boost wealth and confidence, leading to higher spending. Higher spending would lead to higher incomes and increased employment, which was part of a ‘virtuous circle’ where increased profits support further economic expansion. Unfortunately, bond yields have risen sharply, despite the Fed’s intervention. Many investors have interpreted this as a healthy reaction to improving economic data, which indicates the US is firmly on the road to recovery. Yet the outlook for unemployment and housing remains dire, leading many to speculate that QE3 may be in the cards. But given the anger from home and abroad following the last intervention, in the absence of a huge financial shock, the Fed will struggle to launch another round of stimulus. So equity bulls will need to see a sharp improvement in economic conditions over the next few months for stocks to make further gains. ■ Want to start trading from home? Sign up now at squaremile.com/spreads
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CLARITY OF VIEW WOULD BE A BONUS Never mind whether CEOs forego their bonus – the real issue is the huge sums they trouser, says JON HAWKINS
ONE OF THE more entertaining sideshows in the annual remuneration circus is the will-they-won’t-they bonuswaiving saga played out by bank CEOs. Obviously, it’s a lot more entertaining when you’re not one of them. In the years since the financial world was tipped upside down it has become a neatly choreographed dance in which the protagonists eye each other nervously, waiting for someone to act. In 2010, Barclays duo John Varley and Bob Diamond moved first, the then CEO and BarCap chief declining to take their bonuses. RBS CEO/taxpayers’ whipping boy Stephen Hester and Lloyds’ Eric Daniels soon followed suit. It was like a pub session that had gone on just a little too long; everyone waiting
for a more decisive voice than theirs to make that crucial call on the last drink. No one wants to appear a lush so there’s silence until someone pipes up with, “I’d better do the sensible thing,” or, much better, “Go on then, one more – might as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb.” But this year there’s the sense that things are different. The public pressure remains, except this time the bankers seem less inclined to play ball, and in January Barclays CEO Diamond said as much to the Treasury Select Committee. “There was a period of remorse and apology for banks, and I think that period needs to be over,” he told them. On the subject of whether he would waive his own bonus, as he has the last two years, he remained tight-lipped, saying it was a decision he needed to make with his family. Eric Daniels, however, looks likely to accept his £2m bonus just six weeks before he retires, while Hester’s mind – at the time of writing – appears not to be made up. Given that the decisions of Diamond et al to waive their 2009 bonuses (or donate them to charity, as did Peter Sands of Standard Chartered and HSBC’s Michael Geoghegan) doesn’t particularly appear to have appeased the public, they could be forgiven for taking the money this time in the knowledge that they’re damned if they do and they’re damned if they don’t. One man in particular will be hoping desperately they don’t. David Cameron has dished out predictable anti-bonus rhetoric without once suggesting that he intends to do anything about it, though admittedly his predecessor at No 10 was similarly inactive in that respect. In 2009 and 2010 the bank chiefs let the prime minister off the hook by forgoing bonuses, and he will be expecting the same in 2011.
In the US they’re more proactive, and in January Delaware bank Wilmington Trust announced they had rescinded CEO Donald Foley’s $2m signing-on bonus to comply with Treasury Department rules outlawing large payments at companies that benefited from TARP money. They did, however, increase his annual salary by around $300k at the same time... The UK’s yearly bonus-waive is a nonissue, a distraction from the real issue: the banking industry’s bonus culture. Whatever you feel about bonuses (quite good, presumably, if you’re getting one) it seems obvious that for as long as the government is content to sit back, watch and occasionally snipe, blaming bankers, and CEOs in particular, is pointless. Makes good spectator sport though. ■
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in a luxurious facility within the Hospitality Village, a short stroll from the first tee; or the Guest Package allows you to enjoy the action from one of the restaurants or in the privacy of your own chalet. Prices from £375pp+VAT. opengolfofﬁcialhospitality.com
w w w . c h a i n r e a c t i o n c y c l e s . c o m
100s of brandâ€™s available at:
£55bn Amount of debt being hidden from family members by Brits who aren’t disclosing the true extent of their financial worries
Household net worth of America according to the latest stats from the US Federal Reserve
ABV percentage of the world’s strongest beer, The End of History, costing £500 a bottle
Amount of money in an innovative EU investment fund created to regenerate towns in Wales
Number of countries that submitted pledges for curbing greenhouse gas emissions to the UN climate convention last year
City in Numbers
Roxanne Emery began her working life in finance. After finding success in this male-dominated industry and surviving job cuts made during the recession she began to feel that she wanted to pursue a more creative career...
AFTER I lEFT university I worked in investment banking for about three years. I started off as a trading assistant at Bear Stearns, I then moved to Renaissance Capital to work as a junior sales trader and then a sales trader. I’d never thought about singing as a career, it wasn’t on my radar; I just used to write songs and do open mic’ nights for fun. I think that when a lot of people leave the City they have one of those ‘ah, eff it, I’m leaving’ moments and walk out that day, but it wasn’t like that for me. I was really happy in my job, I was still learning and it was progressing really well so it was only when I was approached by a company who wanted to manage me that I began to think singing could actually be a career. One of the biggest challenges I’ve found is that everyone expects you to look cool. After three years at a bank,
as you can imagine, my wardrobe was literally black skirts and suits. I was wandering around H&M just thinking ‘oh my God, I have no idea how to look cool’. I ended up having to get a few friends involved to help me. The other big challenge is doing work that is so personal to me. It feels like the songs are little bits of my diary – I’ve found taking criticism is much harder because of how attached I am to them. However, it makes any success I have feel so good because it’s all me; there’s no middleman telling me what to do. Sometimes, when I have a stressful day, I do wonder if I should have stayed in banking. I envy the security, the flats in London and the new cars – but then I think about the 5am starts and how much more rewarding I find doing what I do now. I never seriously think I should be going back because what I’m doing now just means so much more. I always told myself that if after 18 months I wasn’t finding any success then I would go back to the City, but I think the problem now is that I’ve uncovered a passion and it isn’t just for songwriting and music. I’m passionate about the business side of music as well. I think that, if being an artist didn’t work, I would try to work for a record label and combine the skills I have from banking and being an artist. ■ – Matt Huckle. Roxanne’s debut album titled ‘Remember Me’ is out this July.
City in Words Acid test ratio (phrase) A measure of how well a company can manage its short-term liabilities while simultaneously high on hallucinogens. It only considers current assets that can be sold immediately in return for Class A drugs. You can calculate the ratio by using the following equation: (Cash + Dave down the pub who knows someone who sells some good shit + Short-term Investments) ÷ Current liabilities
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PhotograPh by Mark hedley
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WhO’s the daddY? At more than 18ft long, the RollsRoyce Phantom Coupé is one of the most imposing cars on the road. Just as well that Mark Hedley found a house to match up to it. Shame he doesn’t own either of them
The Definitive Luxury Lifestyle Event 27 – 29 July 2011 The Hurlingham Club Top brands • Top marques • Top hats
020 7610 7515 firstname.lastname@example.org www.concourslondon.com
TIME WORDS James Gurney, QP
In the past, Cartier’s timepieces have been seen as decorative more than functional but this is hardly Cartier’s heritage. Cartier has in fact used movements from a variety of sources including Audemars Piguet and Jaeger-LeCoultre. And Cartier’s designers practically set the rules for wristwatch design and then promptly broke them with models such as the Crash and Maxi Oval. Even in the industry’s early 1980s’ nadir, Cartier still produced serious watches albeit in vanishingly small numbers. However, it was not until the establishment of the Cartier Collection Privée Paris in the early 1990s that Cartier began to produce exceptional watches in any number. The CCPC watches gained good press and a healthy following among serious collectors and the second half of the decade saw the foundations of Cartier’s new haute horlogerie collection take shape with the coming on board of the Valfleurier component business and the gradual acquisition of Roger Dubuis. The Cartier team had all they needed and more. The Ballon Bleu Flying tourbillon was presented at SIHH 2008 with a completely reinvented Cartier aesthetic and a Geneva Seal quality flying tourbillon. The plaudits arrived quickly, generating a surge of interest that was crowned later in the year with an award at the Grand Prix de Genève. Then in 2009, a complete collection of ten new pure haute horlogerie watches was launched. They sat seamlessly within the Cartier universe and, importantly, they were all fitted with in-house movements. SIHH 2010 saw the collection added to with new models such as a skeleton Rotonde de Cartier and the incredible Astro-Tourbillon [pictured here]. Look at the new watches and those codes are clearly visible from the Roman numerals, the blued sword hands and rectangular inner track on Tank Américaine. ■ James Gurney is editor of QP, qpmagazine.com
CARBON DATING Looking to impress someone on a tryst? Absolutely minted? No problem at all, says JACK DONNE
BUY! BUY! BUY!
BUY! BUY! BUY!
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AUDEMARS PIGUET BUMBLE BEE £19,999 Fondly known as the Bumble Bee, this AP is formerly named the Royal Oak Offshore Chrono Forged Carbon. As well as an engraved gold rotor, automatic mechanical chrono movement, and a 60-hour power reserve, it’s as hard as nails – well, if your nails were made from heatformed forged carbon, which they won’t be, as AP is the only company in the world to produce carbon in this way. So there. audemarspiguet.com
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ADLER NIGHT LEAVES EARRINGS £POA When it comes to manliness, carbon fibre is on a par with power tools, sheds and smelly socks. But Adler has boldly chosen to make its first collection of carbon fibre haute jewellery. It’s not just aesthetics – as carbon fibre is much lighter than most precious metals the diamonds can be loaded up without giving you earlobes like a Massai tribeswoman. adler.ch
LAMBORGHINI SESTO ELEMENTO £2.1M At the tail end of last year, Lamborghini slowly released images of the Sesto Elemento concept. They were close-ups of the carbon curves; it was like an automotive striptease. The final reveal wasn’t a let-down either – as you can tell from the images above. The good news is that the concept is set to become a reality. The bad news is that it will be a limited production run of five to ten cars and they’ll cost, ooh, let’s see, about £2.1m. lamborghini.com
SOMETHING FOR THE WEEKEND A house in the Cotswolds and a Rolls-Royce Phantom Coupé... MARK HEDLEY can’t believe his luck. Shame it only lasts a couple of days...
THE COTSWOLDS IS famed for its chocolate-box houses so sweet you could wrap them up in a bowtie and give them to your gran for Christmas. Where we’re staying this weekend is in the Cotswolds, but it is entirely and exactly not a chocolate-box house. Larchwood Lodge is a monolithic masterpiece: a design so grand that it would have Kevin McCloud reaching for similes from the sky. It is part of the Rural Retreats collection – or ‘homes you’d sell a kidney for’, as they might accurately be known. The company offers self-catering rentals at more than 400 locations ranging from a 12-bedroom castle in Cumbria to a one-bedroom lighthouse keeper’s cottage on the coast of Cornwall. Larchwood has a relatively modest four-bed, four-bath count – however, given that one of those bedrooms doubles up as a cinema room and another has a surface area larger than most people’s flats, it’s by no means a meagre affair. The house has everything you could ever need – along with a lot you don’t, but is still very nice to have nonetheless. We’re talking underfloor heating throughout; his’n’hers sinks in every en suite; an eight-person sofa; touchsensitive controls to a four foot-square ‘air’ bath (read: posh Jacuzzi); and even a remote control mood light that changes hue as you rotate your thumb. It’s all bells, whistles, flatscreens and Blu-rays. The location’s not too shabby, either: slap-bang in the middle of one of the most picturesque settings in Britain. The Lakes by Yoo is a private 650-acre estate of clearwater lakes and natural woodland in ▶
MAKE MODEL ENGINE POWER TORQUE 0-60MPH TOP SPEED PRICE
Rolls-Royce Phantom Coupé 6.75 ltr V!2 453 bhp @ 5,350rpm 531lb ft @ 3,500rpm 5.6 sec 155mph (limited) £306,700
●● Larchwood is a monolithic masterpiece: so grand it would even impress Kevin McCloud SQUAREMILE 69
▶ the centre of the Cotswolds. As well as 24-hour security, every house benefits from a lakeside plot with uninterrupted views of the water. Like a five-star golf resort, there’s a clubhouse with a pool table and bar, as well as a spa and gym. As a guest of Rural Retreats, you can take advantage of the concierge service too, which includes anything from enjoying treatments from visiting masseuses to having your Rolls washed. Philippe Starck is the creative mastermind behind the development, and his design flare is evident from the first step inside Larchwood where you are faced with a grand dining room table surrounded by his iconic Ghost chairs. Yoo is by no means a one-man band though – the houses draw on the collective talents of Kelly Hoppen, Jade Jagger and Sophie Conran too. The result is an interior layout that could take the centre-spread of Wallpaper magazine. The development has plenty
of eco credentials to shout about too. The houses are made from sustainable timber, and there’s an on-site ecology manager responsible for creating and maintaining wildlife and flora habitat, including some nationally scarce species. Larchwood Lodge is the kind of house I’d love to own – but for this weekend, I would just have to pretend. Talking about the land of makebelieve… allow me to introduce the Rolls-
●● No wonder the car costs the same amount as a house: it’s as big as one...
Royce Phantom Coupé – a car so out of this world I’m still not certain that I didn’t hallucinate it. Thing is, when you’re staying in a house this extravagant, it’s nice to have a car to match it. As I pulled up in the £307k Rolls, a friend’s reaction was pretty telling: “No wonder the car costs the same amount as a house: it’s as big as one”. The Phantom certainly has, how can I put it, presence. Within five minutes of leaving our house in London, two tramps had toasted us, one lady had curtseyed at a pelican crossing and a dozen jaws had dropped. In most executive cars, people don’t give you a second glance – in the Rolls, they don’t even pretend not to. At 6ft 5in wide, 18ft 4in long, and weighing in at 2.5 tonnes, it’s no shrinking violet. It’s got the bark to back up its bite, though – in the form of a 6.75ltr V12 engine. Not only does this produce a fulsome 453bhp, but it offers 75% of that power at a mere 1,000rpm.
WATER WORLD: (clockwise from far left) the sunset view from the Larchwood Lodge terrace; one of the four bedrooms; the Phantom Coupé at home on the Lakes’ private drive; the Lodge waterfront; the Lodge’s giant living room with eight-person sofa; the starlight roof lining; the static Rolls logo which remains upright even when the wheels are rotating.
PhOTOgRAPhs by Mark hedley
Inside, everything is calm serenity. The dials glow with an ethereal white light and it’s deathly silent. You can see why they call it the Phantom. On the dashboard, instead of a tachometer, there’s a ‘power reserve’ that tells you how hard the engine is working: cruising at 80mph, it informed me that there was still 95% power left. Spooky. Much like Larchwood Lodge, the Rolls takes everything to the nth degree. Take the roof lining, for example – this is speckled with hundreds of LEDs that twinkle like a clear-night sky (one that you’d see in the Cotswolds, not in smogcloaked London). Elsewhere, such vulgar implements as the satnav screen and the on-board computer knob are tucked away in hidden compartments behind thick glossy wood-veneer panels. Only when you need them do they appear (with the light tap of your left hand) – a clock rotates into a satnav, while the i-drive selector slides out from the armrest.
One uniquely Rolls touch is the brace of golf umbrellas concealed in the fenders, which again come out at the press of a button. In fact, there seems to be a button for pretty much everything. (When you do find something you have to do manually, you feel robbed.) You can waste many a happy hour pressing the button to make the Spirit of Ecstasy slide in and out of the bonnet housing. Even the doors shut hydraulically at the close
●● Like Larchwood Lodge, the RollsRoyce takes everything to the nth degree
of the button. Now that’s just lazy. All this isn’t just for show though: there’s some clever thinking behind the Rolls, too. The doors, for example, are also rear-hinged, which not only makes for easier access, but also aids the overall stiffness of the body – they allow for uninterrupted A-pillars helping make this the most torsionally rigid Rolls ever. Electronic driving aids keep the car in check even if you can’t. And direct injection plus variable valve and camshaft control mean it has the best fuel efficiency in its (admittedly somewhat limited) class. So, just like Larchwood, the RollsRoyce is big and it is clever. And just like the house, I can’t afford it – but it’s nice to have for the weekend. ■ Rural Retreats offers three nights at Larchwood Lodge from £1,765 and seven nights from £3,223. The house sleeps up to ten people. For booking, contact 01386 701 177; ruralretreats.co.uk For more info on Rolls-Royce contact the Murray Motor Company on 0131 442 1000; rrmc-murray.co.uk
Trader Vic’s – an exotic experience Discover paradise in the heart of London. Taste the delights of French Polynesian cuisine, or try an exotic cocktail, while enjoying live Latin music every night.
To make a reservation, please call 020 7208 4113 or visit www.tradervicslondon.com
London Hilton on Park Lane, Trader Vic’s, 22 Park Lane, London W1K 1BE www.tradervicslondon.com
first among sequels
Inamo’s offspring follows a hard act, but does so with aplomb. By Jon Hawkins
inamo st James a 4-12 Regent StReet, SW1Y 4Pe t 020 7484 0500 W inamo-StjameS.com
Here’s an embarrassing confession: I’ve never watched any of the Godfather films. But even I know The Godfather: Part II is the greatest sequel – from a decidedly barren clutch of others – bucking the trend that says the sequel is always inferior to the original. And so to Inamo St James, the followup – sequel, if you like – to the ‘interactive’ pan-Asian restaurant of the same name in Soho that opened in 2008. We’re big fans of the original Wardour St; both for its innovative waiterless service, in which diners order dishes, play games and select table designs from a touchscreen menu on the table, and for the quality of its largely oriental food. The arrival of a second Inamo on St James’s St should, therefore, be cause for celebration. Or would it be Speed 2: Cruise Control – so terrible even Keanu Reeves turned it down? To start with, it’s a relief to see the temptation to recreate the Soho restaurant in a different building has been resisted. The interactive dining concept is carried over, as is much of the menu, but the surroundings are lighter and less Japanese-video-arcade, in keeping with the more sedate location. Fiddling around with the touchscreen menu is still far more fun than it ought to be, which is probably why our party ordered enough food to feed several armies and their horses. Naturally, we hoovered it all up with relish – from delicate carpaccio of marbled beef drizzled with truffle vinaigrette via that modern oriental staple, black cod (beautifully executed here), dragon rolls (crisp tiger prawns enshrouded in mango and avocado) and heaven-sent slivers of rib-eye balanced atop a hot stone. Only the slightly dry cinnamon chicken was anything short of excellent. Wary film-buffs, technophile gastronomes and Keanu Reeves can all rest easy; Inamo St James moves the story on effortlessly from the restaurant’s Wardour St beginnings. It is – forgive me – the Michael Corleone to Inamo’s Vito, the Pacino to its Brando. Not that I’d know anything about that. ■
north road a 69-73 St john StReet, ec1m 4an t 020 3217 0033 W noRthRoadReStauRant.co.uk
Scandinavian food has been the talk of the town ever since Copenhagen’s Noma was crowned ‘best restaurant in the world’ last year in The Restaurant magazine. So it’s not that surprising North Road, with Danish head chef Christoffer Hruskova at the helm, is making waves in Clerkenwell. With ‘foraged wild herbs’ and ‘day boat catch’ fish on the menu, the Nordic roots are evident, despite all the ingredients being sourced from the UK. An amuse bouche of pickled, haysmoked quails’ eggs arrived first, in a curious ceramic egg, which emitted a pungent, not unpleasant vapour as they were uncovered. This came accompanied by some rather salty fish, pork and crisp chicken skins – manly crisps, if you will. Then followed some beautiful, lightlysmoked Scottish diver scallops, with fresh strips of crispy apple, bittercress and hazelnut, topped with a disc of smooth
apple jelly. Arranged artfully on the plate, the flavours were perfectly matched . A hearty main of mutton loin with wild cabbage and broth matched with a bottle of 2008 Touraine Rouge by Thierry Puzelat arrived promptly to fill the hole and we tucked in, enjoying the feeling of eating purely prepared meat not drowning in sauces à la les Français, and an earthy red permeating through us. All so strapping that I could have eaten it with my hands. A pudding of deconstructed bread and butter custard, toast and spice bared little resemblance to the British ‘pudding’ equivalent, but was none the less a delectable bite-size end to our meal. Take a trip to North Road. It’ll put some hairs on your chest. ■ – Lou Cooper
AY F A I R
Private dining, press launches, board meetings, drinks receptions, canapé parties and weddings. P r i v at e D i n i n g r o o m - 15 to 28 seated | 25 to 50 canapé party F i r s t F l o o r r e s ta u r a n t - 40 to 70 seated C o C k ta i l B a r - alfresco drinking l o u n g e - 30 to 150 drinks receptions, canapé parties and press events a r t g a l l e r y - 30 to 50 drinks and canapé parties, exhibitions and press events l a C a v e - bespoke wine tastings 10 - 40 standing | 8 to 16 seated w
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Auction and en primeur are two cost-effective ways of buying wine, says OZ CLARKE – but caveat emptor applies
BUYING AT AUCTION A wine-sale catalogue from one of the UK’s auction houses will have wine enthusiasts drooling over names they certainly don’t see every day. Better still, the lots are often of mature vintages that are ready to drink. Before you go, find out all you can about the producer and vintages described in the catalogue. My annually updated Pocket Wine Book is a good place to start, or Michael Broadbent’s Vintage Wines for old and rare wines; the national wine magazines (Decanter, Wine & Spirit) run regular features on wine regions and their vintages too. You can also learn a lot from tutored tastings – especially ‘vertical’ tastings – which compare different vintages. This is important – some merchants take the opportunity to clear inferior vintages at auction. The drawbacks? You have no guarantee that the wine has been well stored, and if it’s faulty you have little chance of redress. As prices of the most sought-after wines have soared, so it has become profitable either to forge the bottles and their contents or to try to pass
●● As prices have soared, it has become profitable to forge bottles squaremile.com
off stock that is clearly out of condition. But for expensive and mature wines, I have to say that the top auction houses make a considerable effort to check the provenance and integrity of the wines. Don’t forget that there will usually be a commission or buyers’ premium to pay, so check out the small print in the sale catalogue. Online wine auctions have similar pros and cons. If you’ve never bought wine at an auction before, a good place to start would be a local auctioneer such as Straker Chadwick in Abergavenny or Morphets in Harrogate; they’re less intimidating than the famous London houses of Christie’s and Sotheby’s, and you may come away with some really exciting wine.
When you’ve run out of room under the staircase, you know it’s time to start thinking about alternative storage solutions for your wine stash. At least, that’s what the missus informed me. It turns out that, unlike me, she doesn’t consider several crates of France’s finest stacked up in the corner of the living room as a ‘bold design statement’; ‘bloody eye-sore’ is closer to the mark. So, if you want to keep your wine to hand and your wife in your pocket, then it’s time to start thinking laterally. Or rather, longitudinally. Spiral Cellars will dig down beneath your ground floor and drop in a watertight, pre-cast cylindrical cellar: a spiral staircase with wall-to-wall wine. They’ll even fill it with wine selected by MW Tim Atkin, depending on your budget. If you still run out of room, then it’s time to employ the services of a professional wine cellar. Octavian Vaults hold the prize collections of more than 10,000 private investors in their Corsham Cellars, 100ft below the Wiltshire Hills. Services here range from bonded warehousing to online photographic records of your wine – ideal for attracting potential buyers. At least, it should keep the wife off your back and away from the good bottles. ■ For info: spiralcellars.co.uk; octavianvaults.co.uk
BUYING EN PRIMEUR En primeur is a French term for wine that is sold before it is bottled, sometimes referred to as a ‘future’. In the spring after the vintage, the Bordeaux châteaux – and a few other wine-producing regions – hold tastings of barrel samples for members of the wine trade. The châteaux then offer a proportion of production to the wine merchants in Bordeaux, who in turn offer it to wine merchants around the world at an opening price. The advantage to the châteaux is that their capital is not tied up in expensive stock for the next year or two, until the wines are bottled and ready to ship. Traditionally, merchants would buy en primeur for stock to be sold later at a higher price, while offering their customers the chance to take advantage of the opening prices as well. The idea of
private individuals investing, rather than institutions, took off with a series of good Bordeaux vintages in the 1980s; it’s got ever more hectic since then. There is a lot to be said for buying en primeur. For one thing, in a great vintage you may be able to find the finest and rarest wines far more cheaply than they will ever appear again. Every classic vintage in Bordeaux opens at a higher and higher price, but that price never drops, and so the top wines increase in value, whatever price they start at. Equally, when a wine – even a relatively inexpensive one – is made in very limited quantities, buying en primeur may be practically your only chance of getting hold of it. ■ Oz Clarke 250 Best Wines: Wine Buying Guide 2011 (Pavilion, £6.99) is out now.
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THE REAL GREAT EASTERN HOTELS Not the one at Liverpool St – swerve it, jump on a train and by the time you’ve done the crossword you’re in heavenly Suffolk, says EUGENE COSTELLO WORKING IN THE Square Mile makes it child’s play to escape the hordes in thrall to Mammon and reach one of England’s most beautiful counties in around an hour. We’re talking Suffolk – Constable country, dappled in autumn with the wintry sun that the great artist captured in his work. Apple orchards abound – it is the home of both Aspall’s cider and Copella apple juice. The poet Keats might have had this corner of East Anglia in mind in his Ode to Autumn when he wrote of the “season of mists and mellow fruitfulness”. And in summer the gentle hills around Dedham Vale mean you can enjoy a good tramp cross-country to a historic village full of half-timbered houses and with an ancient pub for a well-earned pint of the foaming stuff (Adnams and Greene King are local brewers, though there’s a raft of smaller specialist brewers such as St Peter’s). Make it three nights, and take in the delights of Woodbridge on the River Deben, as well as charming Aldeburgh on the coast. Take an early train back to Liverpool St, and you’ll get to spend a night in each of our selected hotels. The only question you’ll have on returning is ‘why don’t we do this more often?’
THE CROWN INN, STOKE-BY-NAYLAND Take the 45-min train to Colchester and jump in a taxi (£20) for the drive through patchwork countryside to this historic coaching inn in a pretty Suffolk village – think timbered houses, many pink owing to the local tradition of using pig or cow’s blood mixed with whitewash as paint. The enormous bar serves a great range of ales – nab a spot by the fire – while the adjoining restaurant gets packed, so make sure you book. Food is sourced locally, whether pork from Gloucester Old Spots, lamb from the Colne Valley or seafood from Mersea in the Blackwater Estuary. Superb – as are the cooked breakfasts.
A new 11-bed boutique hotel behind the inn was only completed in 2008, though you’d never know it. The addition was designed in sympathy with the original buildings and so as not to interrupt the eyeline and great views over Dedham Vale. Attention to detail is paramount; it has 36,000 reclaimed antique roof tiles, making it virtually indistinguishable from the main pub in style. Downstairs, the rooms are the last word in contemporary chic – upstairs, it’s a modern take on classic country house. Rooms start at £95 – though check the website for mouthwatering dinner plus b&b packages. 01206 262 001, crowninn.net
●● You can enjoy a good tramp cross-country to a historic village with ancient pub
THE CROWN AT WOODBRIDGE Now you’re in for a treat. Take the fast train (an hour) to Ipswich, then a 15-min local train to Woodbridge, a pretty town on the banks of the River Deben. Local interests include the Viking burial ship at Sutton Hoo, though we didn’t make it out of Woodbridge. Chiefly thanks to The Crown, a wonderful old coaching hotel gloriously transformed by chef-patron Stephen David to create a wonderful confection of light and shade (think ▶ SQUAREMILE 77
squeak was a triumph. We guarantee you won’t be disappointed; the Crown has won a clutch of awards, and rightly so; if you have any complaints, drop us a line and we’ll refund your money (well, Eugene will – Ed). That’s how confident we are you’ll love your stay. And do wander up to the top of the street where it opens out into a cobbled square with moot hall; on a cold day, a pint in front of the fire at the oak-beamed 16th-century King’s Head will keep the pressures of work at bay a little longer. Stephen David should be given the keys to the town for putting Woodbridge so emphatically on the epicure’s map. Rooms from £125, though currently there is a fabulous offer of dinner plus b&b for two nights at £350 (£250 midweek). 01394 384 242, thecrownatwoodbridge.co.uk
EastErn promisE: (clockwise, from top) the Brudenell at aldeburgh could not be closer to the beach; the menu at the Crown at Woodbridge is sourced and designed by chef-patron stephen David, previously of renowned the Hoste arms at Burnham market, north norfolk; pretty in winter, the Crown at stoke-by-nayland
▶ glass roofs and cream and pastels). It all goes to create a cosmopolitan ‘London’ feel that is still attuned to its provincial roots (in a good way). The rooms have a slightly nautical theme with wooden room dividers and cool colours such as sage, pale blue and gun-metal grey. Possibly the most comfortable bed we have ever slept on; was it a Hypnos mattress? The restaurant is the big draw here; four dining rooms allow you to choose your level of formality. Smoked haddock with poached egg on a bed of bubble and
●● Aldeburgh is an artistic community that feels very ‘unlondon’, unlike, say, Southwold
The Brudenell, AldeBurgh Aldeburgh is the quintessential unspoilt English seaside town, greatly beloved of the composer Benjamin Britten, who launched the Aldeburgh Festival. The result is an artistic community that still feels reassuringly ‘un-London’, unlike its neighbour Southwold that is packed at weekends with people you’ll have seen lunching at The Ivy the previous day. The Brudenell practically rises out of the shingle beach; my room was at the rear of the hotel and I could hear the waves all night, uniquely comforting. Rooms are stylish and comfortable in equal measure; modern colour schemes work well alongside old comforts such as freestanding baths. The restaurant has garnered two AA rosettes, and seafood – as at the Crown at Woodbridge – is supplied by Pinney’s of Orford. The smoked oysters are heavenly, and as plump as a Christmas goose. Haddock served with fennel and citrus fruits was another standout dish. And after a walk along the beach, join the long queue at The Fish and Chip Shop in the high street. Consistently voted Britain’s best fish and chip shop, the same family have been frying for 30 years. The secret? Pure vegetable oil and the best fish, apparently. I’m here to tell you: believe the hype. ■ Rooms from £140 midweek, £154 at weekends, inc b&b – upgrade to dinner from only £10 per person. 01728 452 071, brudenellhotel.co.uk
A melting pot of
culinary delights Spice up your life with five exceptional gourmet experiences, chosen from our collection of 520 elegant hotels around the world
with Small Luxury Hotels of the World™
The Atlantic Hotel, Jersey
Azura, Mozambique This eco-friendly intimate resort offers a unique recipe for romance: take one private butler, add a delectable picnic lunch; blend with turquoise waters and garnish with soft white sand. Serve on an idyllic island.
The Manor House Hotel & Golf Club, Cotswolds
Grand Hotel Bellevue, Gstaad Enjoy culinary masterpieces in the Michelin-starred Restaurant Prado; savour cheese fondue and raclette in the winter cozy chalet restaurant, or relish a private wining and dining experience set amidst 10,000 bottles of wine in the vault.
If beautiful grounds, ocean views and amazing sunsets at this peaceful retreat don’t tantalize your taste buds, the seven-course tasting menu in the fine dining Michelinstarred restaurant undoubtedly will.
La Sultana Marrakech Step directly from the hustle and bustle of the old Medina into the serene haven of La Sultana Marrakech, a unique collection of five richly-furnished riads, where exquisite Moroccan-French cuisine can be enjoyed on intimate terraces.
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Enjoy a romantic treat at this 14th century Manor House in the prettiest of Cotswolds villages... champagne, a red rose, a piano serenade, and a seven course tasting menu dinner in the Michelin Star restaurant.
CORPORATE ADVANTAGE MEMBERSHIP The complete and affordable business tool at only ÂŁ2,500 per person
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The hideaways Club The only thing that beats owning a holiday home is owning lots of them. The Hideaways Club offers you a slice of the good life – from luxurious chalets to City apartments...
Formed in 2007, The Hideaways Club is a global property company that manages two international investment funds – a collection of luxury villas and a collection of city apartments. The first fund, the ‘Classic Collection,’ has grown to become the largest club of its kind in the world, offering the opportunity to invest in and exclusively enjoy an entire portfolio of luxury villas and chalets throughout Europe, Africa, mauritius and South east Asia. The Classic Collection currently owns 30 properties, and through its alliances with
●● The new City Collection will ultimately offer 120 properties across the globe squaremile.com
the US-based Equity Estates and Banyan Tree Private Collection members now have the choice of holidaying in more than 50 spectacular properties around the world. in Spring 2011, the company will launch its second fund, the City Collection, which provides members with a new way to enjoy an unrivalled city lifestyle. It offers members a wide selection of outstanding, fully-serviced apartments in some of the most vibrant and glamorous cities around the world. Set to initially begin with 10 apartments including new York, London, Paris, Venice, miami and Prague, additional cities will be as diverse as moscow and rio de Janeiro – with an ultimate target of 120 city properties over the next three years. Ideal for short city breaks and offering variety and flexibility, every apartment will be located in a secure location in or close to city centres, and all will be overseen by a five-star central concierge service. The key word in the The Hideaways Club’s description is ‘ownership’. With both funds, investors buy a stake in the whole property portfolio which is selected,
managed and maintained by leading experts. They also enjoy the benefits of a property investment without all the hassles typically associated with sole ownership. members of both Hideaways Club funds benefit from the upsides of ownership – enjoying any future capital growth – while avoiding the concerns of looking after a distant property and the commitment to return to the same destination year on year. The Hideaways Club’s Classic Collection offers three types of membership: ‘premium’, ‘lifestyle’ and ‘associate’. Premium costs £250,000 and allows members to enjoy properties for four to eight weeks a year. Lifestyle costs £171,666 and gives members two to five weeks a year. Associate costs £132,500 giving up to four weeks usage a year. In order to preserve exclusivity the Club will close at 600 members. The City Collection has two levels of membership – ‘premium’ and ‘associate’. Premium costs £120,000 offering up to 23 nights a year in any of the apartments. This represents excellent value – just £230 a night (60% less than comparable alternatives). Associate membership, providing a half share in the company portfolio, costs £65,000 and entitles members to 12 nights a year in any apartment in the collection. ■ 020 7824 9940; www.thehideawaysclub.com
the midas touch
Skiwear mogul Paul Goldstein is turning four 1930s houses into palatial homes on Hampstead Heath. Bernadette Costello reports the king of skiwear, who became a global success after launching his first brand in Hong Kong in 1980, is applying his eye for design to a collection of private homes in London. Paul Goldstein, a former snowwear sales rep who underestimated what a phenomenon his Nevica, Killy and E&O clothing would be, highlights moments in his 30-year reign as a designer: “I’d arrive in Japan to buy fabric for my next ski collection and a blacked-out limo would be waiting, surrounded by journalists asking my views on the latest in ski fashion – I told them most of it was crap.” It’s with this ‘English & Outspoken’ way that the gregarious founder of E&O is approaching property developing. His first foray into the business was ten years ago when he built and designed a stunning chalet in Val d’Isère. “When the architect came back with ideas for mooseheads all over the walls I just said ‘what the hell’s that?’” he recalls.
The redesign of the interior became Goldstein’s own take on a traditional chalet: “I furnished it with a few Philippe Starck pieces and gave it a modern contemporary feel,” he says. Indeed, Goldstein’s photoshoot from 2000 could easily fit within a current designer’s 2011 portfolio. Shortly after came his own yacht design, then a glass-fronted home in South Africa with a stunning infinity pool overlooking Cape Town. More recently, the ‘cando’ Goldstein has tried property development in Knightsbridge. “In the boom times in property a lot of what was done was rubbish. It initially looked good but no care had gone into details like light switches or plug points,” he says. “People respect detail and though buyers might not see it, I know it’s there, which is why I haven’t had to deal with one snagging complaint in 13 months since I sold that property.” The same standards apply to his latest gated development in Telegraph Hill – a cluster of four £7m-£12m family homes overlooking Hampstead Heath. “With the money you spend on your home you should live like a king, which is why I look at design from the owner’s perspective, not a developer’s one. “A man needs his space, a woman loves her kitchen and we all need three times the storage space for shoes, clothes and all the other stuff we collect.” Goldstein describes property buyers as the “king and his queen” of their home, which is why master bedrooms and bathrooms are more like the size of an average flat.
a man needs his space; a woman loves her kitchen and storage To emphasise his passion for space, the designer has extended Telegraph Hill from four 1930s family homes with around 3,000sq ft of internal space into four palatial homes comprising 5,000sq ft-8,500sq ft. Launching this September through estate agents TK International and Aston Chase, each home at Telegraph Hill will have its own cinema, while two of the four will have additional leisure facilities – swimming pool, bar, spa and open patios. In the gardens, three out of four residences will have summer houses with decking, while the main homes have big balconies and windows that overlook Harrow-on-the-Hill and Wembley Stadium on one side, Hampstead Heath on the other. Architect Douglas Paskin and interior designer Tatiana Zelonka are the main creatives. However, Goldstein – who first introduced vivid and fluorescent-coloured skiwear to our slopes – will ensure Telegraph Hill has his personal eye for detail: a “combination of good product, good functionality and design flair”. ■ 020 7794 3974; eando.com
DiamonDs in the Dust
Fashion-led London developer Rob Soning chooses the city’s edgiest areas for his property creations. Bernadette Costello checks out his latest plans... Jim Henson’s muppet Factory was the last conversion a developer could have snapped up in Camden Lock two years ago. So it was serendipitous when it fell into the hands of Londonewcastle’s Rob Soning, who has loved the area since growing up in nearby Chalk Farm. The iconic canalside residence, whose interiors were given the Tara Bernerd touch, now exists as 46 one-, two- and three-bedroom apartments ranging in price from £450k-£3m. The Henson Building [pictured right] is now 70% sold and has caught the attention of buyers as diverse as City bankers, actors, artists, designers and overseas residents. “It seems there’s been a migration from Primrose Hill towards Camden in the last few years as people start to realise that Camden also has a quiet, leafy side away from its 24/7 image,” says Soning. Well known for making a fashion statement on a building’s fascia, its interior design as well as its marketing material, Soning has now set his sights on two other, once-grungy, now ‘young and edgy’ areas of London. In Shoreditch, Soning is working with architect Amanda Levete – the brains behind futuristic structures such as the press box at Lord’s cricket ground, Selfridges, the Central Embassy Bangkok and Subway Universita – on a ‘statement’ building in the area. And on Goldhawk Road, Shepherd’s Bush, Londonewcastle has just received planning permission for 21 townhouses, three mews residences and 33 moderncontemporary apartments. This is the edgy side of Shepherd’s Bush, where residents can get to Westfield shopping centre as easily as they can leafy Chiswick and Notting Hill. Londonewcastle will be on site later this year to bring a touch of property fashion to this arty area.
“Goldhawk Road hasn’t really had much regeneration for the last ten years so it’s a really interesting area to be in,” explains Soning who highlights the growing affluence among young creatives and City workers there. “There’s a direct comparison with Queen’s Park and we feel there’s going to be the same strong market in young creatives for Goldhawk Road as we found for The Henson Building in Camden.”
●● We didn’t discount on the Henson Building – we’ve got a great product
One marketing initiative that sparked buyer interest there was a video that took viewers on a walk through bustling Camden, along the canal and on to Primrose Hill, allowing potential buyers to experience the local vibe and the tranquillity of these waterside homes. “The video was really successful for us – people spent an average 7.5 mins minutes on The Henson website. It was a great way to connect them with the neighbourhood,” says Soning. Careful targeting helps too. “We’re marketing to the owner-investor and that’s always been key to our success. We didn’t discount on The Henson Building because we’ve got a great product so we’re confident in our price.” This is a telling sign of the robustness of Londonewcastle’s developments. As is its past projects, which have been 100% sold in a short space of time – even throughout the recession. ■ 020 7534 1888; londonewcastle.co.uk
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ProPerty janine stone
Written in stone
In an increasingly fleeting world, one company is striving to make things that last. Janine Stone specialises in making homes for the next generation at the height of the property boom we became a nation that lost touch with the reason for owning a home. An apparently relentless surge in property prices, not least among City speculators positively swimming in disposable cash, meant we were in danger of seeing homes as assets to buy and sell, not places to live in and enjoy. Happily, that emphasis has shifted. With the rampant market tempered – for now at least – people are seeking homes that can act as private sanctuaries for their families or as places that stand as a statement of their achievements. Property creation specialist Janine Stone calls these ‘legacy’ homes: unique private residences that tell an extraordinary story of the family living there. Of course, certain types of home will always have an attraction: few can resist the magnetic pull of a Georgian vicarage or a Nash house, but these homes were designed for lifestyles light years away from that of today’s City workers. Only with dramatic internal changes – often at considerable expense and with enormous planning issues – can they be hauled into the 21st century. The most obvious way to create a home that perfectly suits your needs is to develop something new; unlimited by spaces or design, you can define the size and style of your property from the outset.
●● the team of craftsmen can make a property look like it’s been there forever... squaremile.com
ProPerty janine stone
And while there may be a misconception that all new-build homes are either very contemporary or pastiche, this doesn’t hold true. Janine Stone’s international team of highly skilled craftsmen can make a property look like it’s been there forever, by artificially ageing the facade or wearing away the stone steps to look like the great and good have trodden them for centuries. A recent project entailed the creation of a Palladian-style house near Chicago [pictured above]. In addition to family and staff quarters, the property has an array of additions including a private day spa and hammam, a library and gallery space for a contemporary art collection, a whisky cellar, an orangery and climate-controlled garaging for classic cars. Or going for a contemporary home can be an antidote to the UK’s climate.
One of Janine Stone’s most remote projects was in Scotland, where the brief was to maximise the loch-side views. The resulting house [top right] is 60% glass, with windows on each floor that drink in its surroundings. With no precedent set by surrounding houses, Janine Stone has created an incredible statement home, designed to cater for its owners’ passion for getting around by seaplane. The pursuit of properties with libraries, ballrooms, whisky cellars and spas means that staying at home no longer need be a barrier to enjoying your favourite pursuits. As the nation reminds itself why a man’s home is his castle, there has never been a better time to prioritise your investment and get the home you’ve dreamed of. ■ For more details, visit janinestone.com, or call Dominic Parker on 020 7627 5300
We have a range of homes across the region, the stylish apartments at Base in Brentwood and The Pier in Greenhithe are perfect for those looking to commute to The City, as well as those looking for long term capital growth.
You’ve worked for your bonus, now let your bonus work for you! The Pier, Ingress Park | Near Bluewater | Kent | DA9 9EQ Enjoy waterside living at The Pier, Ingress Park, with contemporary apartments and penthouses in a fantastic Thames-side location close to the M25 and Bluewater. Just a stones throw from Ebbsfleet International for high speed trains to Stratford in 11 minutes and London St Pancras in only 17 minutes.
2 bedroom apartments from £189,000 2 & 3 bedroom penthouses from £310,000 0870 752 4370 firstname.lastname@example.org Marketing Suite & Show Apartments open daily 10am to 5pm www.crestnicholson.com/ingresspark
Base | St James Road | Brentwood | Essex | CM14 4LZ
Smart and contemporary apartments with private parking and stylish interiors, all within walking distance of the town centre and station with links to London Liverpool Street in just 38 minutes.
1 bedroom apartments from £176,500 2 bedroom apartments from £226,500 0870 757 8384 email@example.com Marketing Suite & Show Apartment open daily 10am to 5pm www.crestnicholson.com/base
www.crestnicholson.com Travel times are approximate. Prices correct at time of going to press. Photography taken at The Pier.
property pierre & Vacances
the real snow patrol
Thanks to Pierre & Vacances, the dream of owning your own Alpine base can now be a reality, with guaranteed rental rates when you are not there
propert y pierre & Vacances The French Alps have always been a premier skiing location. Now they are one of the world’s premier property investment locations too. For more and more people, the two increasingly go hand-in-hand: they not only choose the Alps for their annual skiing holidays but now reap the considerable benefits of owning a property there. The big challenge of owning in the Alps has always been the logistics of finding a property, buying it, then renting
●● p&V guarantees net rental income of 3.5% at its premium apartments squaremile.com
it out. It can be time-consuming, stressful and risky if tenants can’t be found. With a Pierre & Vacances leaseback property, currently available in Flaine and Avoriaz, just an hour’s drive from Geneva airport, all of these problems are solved. Just as the Alps guarantee some of the world’s best snow, so a P&V freehold leaseback property – where you buy an apartment and let it back to P&V, a £1bn-valued French property company – guarantees a minimum rental income and takes away all the management hassles. At the company’s premium ski-in, ski-out apartments in Avoriaz and Flaine [pictured], it is guaranteeing rental income, net of all charges, maintenance and management costs, of 3.5%. Another bonus is the 19.6% VAT rebate, an investment by the French government in its world-leading tourism industry. The purchase process couldn’t be easier, either. P&V’s London- and Dublin-based property experts will guide you through the entire process.
And if you don’t want to tie up capital unnecessarily, you can always take out a loan through one of the French banks, which are currently offering rates as low as 2.3% (visit French mortgage experts athenamortgages.com). What’s more, with a P&V leaseback property, the flexible usage options mean you can spend one week of the year in Flaine’s premium P&V resort, another week in Avoriaz’s and another elsewhere in France, such as P&V’s ultra-trendy Deauville development. Your investment, your choice. In Avoriaz 1800, in the Portes du Soleil, two- and three-bedroom apartments are available from €425,500. Avoriaz 1800 will also boast a spa, swimming pool and the first ever Alpine Tropical Aquadome. In Flaine, in the Grand Massif, one- to four-bedroom apartments are available, starting from €260,000 with swimming pool and Jacuzzi on-site. Both properties are due to complete in December 2012. ■ pierre-vacances.co.uk; 020 7471 4500
ARC H ITECTURE. I NTERIOR DESI G N. BU I LD. PROJEC T M AN AGEM ENT.
Our client asked us to do the impossible. Design a room where Karl Marx and Jeffrey Archer can live happily together. It was one of our more demanding briefs. Though not in the way you may think. You see, we’re talking books. Our client is a collector. Books are the love of his life – volumes of poetry, rare ﬁrst editions, even an early copy of Das Kapital. He commissioned us to create a new wing to his home. Key to this was the library. And key to the library was the shape. It’s oval. This was where the real challenge lay. Clearly, curved walls and rectangular books are not the best of friends. So, to ensure every single book would ﬁt perfectly, we measured every single book. Herr Marx’s seminal work was gauged for height, width and depth. As, indeed, were a tiny tome of Victorian verse and a huge, ﬁrst edition of Italian Renaissance poetry. We also found a rogue Jeffrey Archer. (Is there any other type, we wondered?) He too was measured up. Next, the design and build. The aesthetic of the library was to reﬂect the world of Henry Higgins and Pygmalion. To this end, we implemented cases and cabinets – ﬁnished in Swiss pear, maple and leather – that ﬂowed with the curves of the room. The client then decided that the library would also double as his ofﬁce. The ambience and furniture, therefore, had to be conducive both to work and pleasure. Part of our solution was a carefully planned seating area including a chaise longue upon which any family member could enjoy that simplest of pleasures: curling up with a good book. The area was soft-lit with ﬂoor-to-ceiling, Art Deco lighting that formed the pillars of the bookshelves. The story, however, doesn’t end here. Having fallen head over heels with the library, the client wanted the design cues to inform the rest of his home. This was where our RENOVATE service came into its own. Established two decades ago, it combines architecture, interior design, building and project management. We can even help you ﬁnd and ﬁnance a property to refurbish or the perfect plot to build on. Providing all these disciplines allows us to seamlessly fulﬁl the most demanding briefs. Meanwhile, back in the library, was everything harmonious? Well, we’re pleased to report that Karl Marx and Jeffrey Archer lived happily ever after. Side by side, of course.
CREAT IN G EXCEPT IONAL HOMES FOR EXC EPT I ONAL PEOPLE LONDON + 44 (0)20 7349 8888 MOSCOW +7 (495) 663 8085 CHESHIRE +44 (0)161 929 5566 INFO@JANINESTONE.COM WWW.JANINESTONE.COM
A million miles away from it all...
The view from Swaylands
A AM PL
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SWAYLANDS PENSHURST . KENT
...under an hour from the City Perched high on the Kentish Weald in 40 acres of private, gated grounds and with far reaching views over some of southern England’s most beautiful landscapes, Swaylands offers a tranquil escape from the pressures of modern life. With a selection of 2 and 3 bedroom apartments, each individually designed to maximise the advantages of this elegant setting, these magnificent homes provide impressive living spaces of up to 3055 sq ft. Whether you choose historic Swaylands House, dating from the mid 1800s, or newly built Woodgate Manor, each benefits from the same high quality finishes and exceptional levels of specification throughout. There is also a tennis court and gym for the exclusive use of residents. Idyllic Penshurst village is under half a mile away and Swaylands is just 6 miles from the sophisticated charms of Royal Tunbridge Wells with its comprehensive shopping, restaurants and entertainment.
Our new showhome is open daily from 10am to 5pm, telephone 01892 871529, or email us at firstname.lastname@example.org Prices from £495,000 to £1.5m www.swaylands-penshurst.co.uk
Specialists in Selling
accruing from life at NEO Bankside comes in many forms. You’ll be living at the heart of London’s cultural quarter, literally next door to Tate Modern, the world’s leading gallery of contemporary art. Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre will be a few minutes away, while a short riverside stroll will take you to The National Theatre and the Southbank Centre for the Arts. Amidst all this culture, commerce will also be close at hand. The Millennium Bridge, on NEO Bankside’s doorstep, will be your direct link to The City and a regular riverboat service will speed you to Canary Wharf in 15 minutes. Should you be tempted by London’s retail glories (and who wouldn’t be?) One New Change, next to St Paul’s Cathedral, lies just across the river and the West End is a few tube stops away. The new South Bank entrance to Blackfriars rail and tube station will be a minute’s walk from your home. As for culinary excursions, Borough Market, the iconic foodie destination, is nearby and you’ll ﬁnd many ﬁne restaurants around Bankside or over the river in The City. Clearly, NEO Bankside occupies a privileged position, but another valuable bonus is even closer. Your apartment, designed by world-renowned architects, Rogers Stirk Harbour + Partners, will provide the ultimate urban base. Depending on your choice of home, you’ll gain views across the Thames to St Paul’s, towards Westminster and The London Eye to the west, downriver towards ‘The Shard’ and Canary Wharf or southerly across gardens and historic alms houses. An intriguing aspect in all directions. As for the view inside your apartment, this will be just as spectacular. From the stone-surfaced bathrooms to the Bulthaup kitchens, the accent is on uncompromising quality. Service, too, is taken care of, as your pavilion has a 24-hour concierge. Typical tasks might be to bring up a special bottle from your dedicated, temperature controlled, wine cellar bin, acquire household staff or reserve a meeting room in the NEO Bankside business centre. Generally, with the help of the Porter, he’ll provide a standard of service associated with 5-star hotels. This is not a soulless hotel, of course, this is home. When can you move in? Two and three-bedroom apartments are available, some for immediate occupation, at prices from £995,000. Visit our website for more information (even colour photographs) or phone to arrange a viewing. You’ll realise that we’ve hardly begun to describe the incalculable bonus that life at NEO Bankside brings.
Sales OfďŹ ce +44 (0)20 7998 1888 www.neobankside.com
A Joint Venture Development By
ISLINGTON Final duplex penthouse available with spectacular views over a traditional garden square within this multi-award winning new development. Minutes walk to Highbury & Islington station and Upper Street. High specification interior by Target Living featuring master bedroom suite, a further bedroom with bathroom, open plan living space with covered terrace and separate balcony. Comfort cooling / Concierge / Secure basement parking. Price ÂŁ1.2 million. -
Viewing by appointment only. Please call 020 7609 5123. www.arundelsquare.com -
LA 7 ST 5 FE % W S RE O M LD AI NI NG
Stunning studio and one bedroom duplex apartments available for immediate occupation Prices from ÂŁ395,000
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ROLLS-ROYCE PHANTOM • 2008 (08) • 1,600 miles • 6.7 Litre Petrol • Automatic • Convertible • Black • £220,000
MERCEDES-BENZ M CLASS ML63 AMG 5DR " VAT QUALIFYING" • 2009 (09) • 12,250 miles • 6.2 Litre Petrol • TIP Automatic 4x4 • Silver • £67,950
ROLLS-ROYCE GHOST 4DR " VAT QUALIFYING" • 2010 (10) • 8,800 miles • Petrol • Automatic • Saloon • Grey • £197,000
BENTLEY CONTINENTAL FLYING SPUR 6.0 W12 • 2006 (06)) • 6,300 miles • 6 Litre Petrol • Automatic • Saloon • Red • £62,950
PORSCHE 911 997 TURBO TIPTRONIC S 2 DR • 2009 (09) • 4,800 miles • 3.6 Litre Petrol • Automatic • Coupe • Black • £84,950
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AF0345 Square Mile Magazine 19/11/2010 17:02 Page 1
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Fitness Equipment Specialists
Fitness Options is not your average fitness store. We supply the finest home and commercial fitness equipment available. Our in house planning service enables us to generate 2D and 3D CAD designs to help you visualise your facility and we employ our own engineers to turn that into a reality. So if you are a buying a single unit or setting up the ultimate home gym, or a company looking for the complete package, at Fitness Options you will find everything you desire.
Telephone 0800 4580081 www.fitnessoptions.co.uk email@example.com Fitness Options Lowmoor Road Kirkby-in-Ashfield Nottingham NG17 7LH
THE FITNESS STORE
FOOD & DRINK
ThE ONLINE OFF LICENCE
PERSONALISED IPAD COVERS
The place to buy alcohol online.. Is Dads birthday coming up and you don’t know what to get him ? Why not order a bottle of his favourite whisky? Perhaps your friends are celebrating the birth of their new baby and you want to send them a bottle of champagne to wet the baby’s head …or maybe its that indulgent bottle of wine as a special treat for yourself. Whatever the reason, whatever the occasion The Online Off Licence will look after your requirements. www.theonlineofflicence.co.uk
Custom made in 3mm top quality hide this personalised cover will add style and personality to your iPad. Check our website for colours and details. Your name is embossed on the cover and slip case in our standard font or your own signature or type choice. T: 020 7431 3211 W: www.plasticsandwich.com
Bespoke Media Servers UK built, award winning, bespoke high end 3D capable Media Servers. Only available through selected UK dealers – in London on the Kings Road – as part of a personal system solution. The ultimate in cutting edge technology with the widest feature set including gaming, streaming TV, 3D Blu-ray or music storage. T: 0845 456 1220 W: www.uvem.com E: firstname.lastname@example.org INTERIOR DESIGN
• We provide bespoke, traditionally dressed oyster shuckers to your party or event • Fresh oysters are not only delicious they are also incredibly nutritious, are a sustainable food source and have aphrodisiacal properties • Whether for a private party, corporate event, reception, wedding, indoors or out we can attend • Oyster meister brings a unique flavour to your party that will not be forgotten soon... W: www.oystermeister.com T: 0208 7478981 / 07583 719107 GOLF ShOES
hANDMADE GOLF ShOES
We offer a full turnkey service for home improvement projects of the highest standard in and around London. Our aim is to take the stress out of dealing with all stages of the design and build process by efficient project management and the support of a great full time team. Importer of high end Italian furniture from Rossana and EmmeBi. T: 0208 980 4939 M: 07947 579650 W: www.templeblake.co.uk E: email@example.com
Golf Shandals, Shoes, Shandals, Rope Soled Slippers in soft Italian leather in 48 colours or your favourite Tweed, fully lined in leather or suede, with 6-12mm soft leather soles, so your feet imbed into them. Feet shaped, incredibly comfortable, beautiful and repairable. Signed and dated. Limited to 100 pairs a year. Alan James Raddon - Designer : Shoemaker W: www.shandals.co.uk T: 01545 570 904 JEWELLERY
LIVING IN SPACE
An interior architectural, design and build company with a difference. With over ten years experience we have the ability to carry out every single stage of a project – from conceptual design to the actual build, and beyond, to full soft furnishing specification and installation. Our own in-house experienced team can take on large and small projects from a full refurbishment to a simple roller blind. T: 0207 586 4747 W: www.living-inspace.co.uk
Our service to you is as bespoke as you would like it to be and we are happy to work with you on a one-to-one basis if required. You can either order from our pool of designs or we can make a piece of jewellery to your exact specifications allowing you to choose your design, metal and stones. Rest assured your jewellery will only be made once you have approved our designer´s CAD drawings and high spec elevations. Visit our online shop. W www.kohinoordiamonds.com T: 0208 422 9971 WATChES
ThE ART OF ThE hOME BAR
An essential element for entertaining at home is the cocktail bar and for preeminent contemporary designs look no further than Quench. Their unique blend of quality materials, innovative lighting and bespoke finishes let you set the mood. Stainless steel, glass and acrylic combine to create inspiring pieces for havens to relax, sip drinks and entertain in style. T: 01483 740455 E: firstname.lastname@example.org W: www.quench.info
WATChCONCIERGE WatchConcierge began in 2005, and since then we have been supplying high quality luxury watches to discerning buyers worldwide. We offer either the full manufacturer, or our own 2 year warranty, and have a huge amount of positive feedback from satisfied customers. Buy with confidence from: W: www.WatchConcierge.com T: 0845 257 5834
HOW TO: SPEND YOUR BONUS IN A WAY it’s good that everyone hates you. Being blamed for everything from the global economic collapse to limescale and the decline of the hedge sparrow means there are now substantially fewer people to offend by simply receiving a bonus. And, despite your bit-part in the frenzied gang-rape of the nation’s piggy bank, there might even be a few people left in your ever-narrowing social life who still like you. Those people who are your last remaining connection to the time when you were unlined, reasonable and fun. You need these people. They are called ‘friends’. Sensitivity is now everything. One wrong move, one cocky, lavish splurge and it’s all over. There will come a time when you can go back to being a rampant cash tosser, but for now discretion is your watchword. Spend, but spend secretly. Holidays are tricky, but not impossible, a winter tan being the obvious give-away. You can pretend that it’s an even-spread melanoma, but it’s medically precarious. Far simpler to enjoy your wellearned fortnight in St Kitts but tell everyone you spent two weeks rambling in Snowdonia, your unseasonal glow
the product of mountain air and hot carbohydrate. You can perfect that ‘time spent in Wales’ look by not cleaning your teeth for a couple of weeks or affecting a silly accent and a chippy sense of national insecurity. Likewise, a new house at this delicate time is tricky to bring in under the radar. However, no one said you couldn’t knock down your existing house – gas explosions are a popular technique – and build a much taller one out of ivory, marble and rare skins. Alternatively, build down. A second, palatial house underneath your home is the subterranean way of saying ‘I’m worth it’. This is all about hidden luxury, though, and not just secrecy. Be careful not to get too carried away with trapdoors and soundproofing. This, after all, is how Josef Fritzl started. It’s drastic but, rather than live a lie, you could assess how many friends you really need and embark on a cull. How about you fill yourself with that Château Margaux you’ve been forced to hide in the bathroom cupboard, then mow them down in a stolen car while they’re queuing for the theatre, dumping the vehicle and running away? Chances of non-detection are heightened with the playful addition of a disguise. Blacking/whiting up and popping on a dress/moustache will add to the sense of crazy fun of massacring your closest friends. Tempting as it is, a rack of new suits and expensive hair is out of the question. Secret spending is your golden invite to the downstairs casino. Take pricey underwear to the next level and join in the very latest in genital glamour: ‘vajazzling’, a new craze born, surprisingly, in Essex. It really does exist – Google it and realise how much of life you are still missing. How have you got this far without a Vagina Designer? If you’re not lucky enough to own a vagina, then penile adornments, or ‘chapping up’ might be for you. Open up your mind – and your pants – to a royal court of Helmet Gems, Dong-a-
●● A chunk of bonus has to go on a wife or girlfriend – it’s the only reason she is with you rings and Shafter Blasters. Go from banker boy to the stuff of myth: the Gold Twanger of Belgravia. Suddenly, a bout of onanism is transformed from a lonely, but necessary pursuit into a testicular welcome in Percy Palace, a private hour with the ariscockracy, a knighthood from the meaty maharajah. With a little imagination and in the right light, it will also look a lot like your fist is wrestling the Queen of Norway. A certain chunk of bonus inevitably has to go on a wife or girlfriend as, by now, you’ll know your salary is the only reason she is with you. These days most bankers’ wives are foreign and the majority of them don’t speak any English so cash is, almost quite literally, the only language they understand. However, as you also already know, your life-partner is, under a fortunate formula, the easiest person to deceive. For ultimate secrecy, relief from the monotony of high finance, and the sheer fuck off-ness of spending your money how the hell you want, now could be the time to live a double life. Here, everything is secret: a whole new invisible you. A few of you will want to go for the ultimate thrill and liven up your dual existence with crossgender outfits, even pretending to be a member of the opposite sex. Don’t be nervous. Remember: if it works for Clare Balding, it can work for you. ■ Read more from Richard Mackney’s bitter, twisted mind on squaremile.com
Perfectly composed from every angle
Ghost is designed, engineered and crafted to be seductively simple, at rest and at speed. Classic Rolls-Royce proportions open up to uncluttered, cosseting interior; while a new V12 engine makes for effortless, rewarding driving. In every respect, Ghost embodies the power of simplicity.
Murray MOTOR COMPANY
Bankhead Drive, Edinburgh, EH11 4DJ Tel: 0131 442 1000 Free nationwide delivery. Available 7 days. Authorised Rolls-Royce Motor Cars Dealer. www.rrmc-murray.co.uk