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SPORTS QUIZ was the AFL’s highest scoring team for round 18? 1 Who was the AFL’s lowest scoring team for round 18? 2 Who kikced the winning goal after the siren for Richmond last 3 Who weekend? many games did Adam Simpson play thoughout his 4 How career? many behinds did Lance Franklin kick against Port 5 How Adelaide? many PGA tour victories does Tiger Woods have to his 6 How name? Name the two new A-league teams.

7 EPL sides did Sir Bobby Robson play with? 8 Which old was Sir Bobby Robson when he died last week? 9 How many World Records were broken in this year’s swimming 10 How World Championships in Rome?

Becks to star alongside Arnie DAVID Beckham is to star alongside Arnold Schwarzenegger in TV ads promoting California to tourists. Becks, 34, will be filmed playing football on a Los Angeles beach for the commercials also featuring state governor Arnie and Hollywood actor Rob Lowe. The LA Galaxy player was said to be “honoured” to take part in the ads alongside Arnie, 62 - famous for his “I’ll be back” phrase in the Terminator movies. A source said: “It will be a massive campaign. “It shows the governor believes David is a big catch in

getting tourists to visit.” The source added: “David has had some stick recently, but is doing what he does best - playing good football and scoring goals.” The England midfielder starred in an ad for sportswear firm adidas last year alongside hip-hop stars Missy Elliottt and Estelle. And he was on pal Snoop Dogg’s reality TV show teaching the rapper’s kids how to play football. Becks has also lent his face to a campaign to promote milk, joining A-listers from Madonna to Muhammad Ali.

Ronaldo ignores ex THIS time last year they had just enjoyed a romantic Italian holiday together. But this week, Portuguese footballer Cristiano Ronaldo did not even give his former girlfriend Nereida Gallardo the time of day. The Real Madrid winger was on a night out with a friend in the Spanish island of Majorca when his ex went to approach him. However the 26-year-old brunette, who was outside smoking a cigarette, was tackled by a security guard as she made a beeline for the 24-year-old sportsman and promptly whisked away. The Spanish model, who has had curly hair extensions since their split, protested, saying, ‘But he is my ex-boyfriend’. However, Ronaldo was just not interested and didn’t even bat an eyelid. He ignored her and contin-

ued walking.It is not the first time he has humiliated the topless model, who is from Majorca. She repeatedly denied they had split last June, while he was romancing girls in the U.S. and claiming he was now single. During their relationship, she paraded to Old Trafford in his CR7 earrings and wearing a ring emblazoned with his team number. She even had a tattoo of his initials on her wrist to show her commitment to the Portuguese winker. But after their split, the snubbed model eventually split the beans on their relationship, and revealed he was a vain mummy’s boy, who waxed his chest. Ronaldo has clearly not forgiven her. He was later seen leaving the club with his male friend, before getting into a waiting car.

ANSWER: 1. Port Adelaide (121) 2. Brisbane (55) 3. Jordan McMahon 4. 306 5. Seven

6. 69 7. Gold Coast United and North Queensland Fury 8. Fulham and West Brom 9. 76 10. 43

Cricketer caught in his pants A CRICKETER was caught in his underwear when he should have been walking out to bat. Team-mates at Bournemouth Cricket Club tried to find the player named only as Ed, 18, some extra cover so he could play his part. But the teenager ran out to bat clutching his box and a helmet. His state of undress was not allowed and he was sent back to the pavilion after receiving a rare ‘timed out’ dismissal for taking more than three minutes to get to the wicket. Despite his mistake, Bournemouth went

on to secure a draw in their Southern Premier League match with Havant. Bournemouth captain De Weymarn told the Metro: “It’s something I had never seen before in my life and I’m sure a lot of cricketers would probably say the same. “It’s certainly an unusual way for a batsman to get out but it’s within the laws. “Ed is particularly frustrated with himself and so he should be because it should never happen. “It could have been a lot worse in the fact we could have lost the game. If that had happened, I don’t think I would talk quite so openly about it.”

I’m not handicapped! A WOMAN who tried to smuggle cocaine in golf clubs through Manchester airport was caught by security staff when she didn’t know her golf terms. The woman reportedly already raised eyebrows when she walked through customs with her golf bag. Officials then asked her about her game and her handicap to which the woman reportedly replied, “But I’m not handicapped. I’m not disabled at all.” In fact, officials say the woman was “totally unfamiliar with the game” and that’s when they swabbed the woman’s clubs and found the cocaine.

That’s gotta really hurt... 2 – HEARTBALM, AUGUST 6-12, 2009

Katie jets off with cage fighter

Jenson is super fit WITH Formula 1 on its mid-season break, Jenson Button should by rights be taking a well-earned rest. Instead, he slapped on his jogging gear, cycle helmet and a wetsuit (not all at once) with a promise to give it his all at the London Triathlon. Taking on thousands of Londoners - and a cheeky challenge by 18-year-old Moto GP racer Bradley Smith - he aimed high, hoping to complete the 1.5km swim, 40km bike ride and 10km run in two hours and 15 minutes. He made a personal best time of two hours and seven minutes. However, Benson missed quite a sight by taking on the challenge. While he panted his way through London, his girlfriend Jessica Michibata was sunning herself on a beach near Tokyo, modelling Samantha Thavasa handbags and Honey Bunch bikinis. The kind-hearted Formula 1 champ is not seeking a career-change, just hoping to raise money for the Make A Wish Foundation. But he was also rising to a challenge, after cheeky Moto GP star Bradley Smith asked him to prove his worth. In preparation, Button seeked some professional help, heading to a wind-tunnel to test out his time-trial bike. But when he was asked by the Telegraph if he was getting an unfair advantage, he replied with a grin: ‘No way. People should use everything they can, with the new bike, new helmet and position I’ll shave off one and half minutes.’ ‘I think I’m going to collapse now,’ Button said, after crossing the line. ‘’I was massively quicker than I expected on the bike, one hour and three minutes, and then I took the first lap of the run relatively easy before giving it the beans on the second lap to finish in 35.02 mins.’

KATIE PRICE has jetted off with her cagefighting new boyfriend on yet another holiday. The model is enjoying some sun in Malaga just a day after serious worries she may have come down with swine flu. The ex-glamour model and her new squeeze - martial arts expert Alex Reid were spotted at Heathrow at four o’clock before flying off to a mystery location. Their flight came hours after Price, 31, had to pull out of a book signing because of health worries. Price looked extremely tanned in a grey and yellow, loose fitting jumper, ragged denim mini-skirt and a pair of Ugg boots. Reid followed behind carr ying not ony

shoulder bag but two, dressed in all white casual top and trousers. The pair met through Reid’s close friend, Sol Gilbert, at Michelle Heaton’s 30th birthday. Martial arts instructor Sol, who is training Katie for her iron man triathlon later in August, said: The moment they met it was obvious they were made for one another. I have never seen Alex like this over a girl. ‘The chemistr y was there from the moment they met. I think she believes that he could be The One. ‘Alex is one of those people who has wanted to meet the right person and settle down for years.

Want to date Capper? FORMER AFL show pony Warwick Capper is forging a new career as a $1500-a-night male escort, however exactly what he’s offering for the full amount is anyone’s guess. The flamboyant ex-Sydney Swans full forward says he’s now for hire off the field, after finishing his days as a professional player in 1991. He’s 46, but as a man who has posed for Australian Penthouse and produced his own x-rated porn video, Capper is not backing away from the spotlight. Capper is still working out five-days-aweek, but the recent $10,000 worth of Botox, lipsuction and plastic surgery may also add to his offer. Capper has told Woman’s Day that he’s now ready for anything. “Usually it’s groups who hire me. But if it’s one woman for a dinner, why not? I’ll make sure she has a good time. I think it’s a good use of my talents.” Capper is based on the Gold Coast, but says he’s available to anyone who is prepared to stump up the cash. His latest foray

into business follows a failed tilt against Pauline Hanson in the Queensland elections, the production of 69-minute porn video with his 26-year-old stripper girlfriend, an attempt to be the Gold Coast’s mayor, a stripper, a lollipop man, and a stint as a scantily clad “meter man”. Asked about his dream date, Capper nominates a dinner on one of the Gold Coast’s fake gondolas where he could have sex on board. The worst would be with a drunk and sick girl on a hen’s night. He says he wouldn’t rule out sex on one of his dates, but says “I’d have to charge extra”. It’s not the first time he’s sold himself on a date, auctioning the chance to watch the 2006 Sydney-West Coast Grand Final in his Gold Coast lounge room on eBay - also for $1500. Capper now manages a real-estate centre on the Gold Coast, but in his prime, Capper kicked 388 goals from his 123 games with Sydney and Brisbane. The flamboyant forward, known for his tight shorts, kicked 103 goals in 1987.

Tot tipped as tennis champ A LEICESTERSHIRE toddler is being tipped as a future Wimbledon champion after learning to play tennis at the age of two. Jonah Ziff has already mastered forehands, backhands and the over-arm serve - even though he is still in nappies, reports the Daily Mail. The two-year-old takes lessons four times a week and has beaten players four years older than him. Dad Jonathan, 45, of Stoney Stanton, near Leicester, said: “I’m told Jonah is some kind of wonder kid, which is pretty amazing. “He just picked up a racket that was lying around and he started whacking a ball against a wall. “Most kids his age wouldn’t know how to hold a racket, let alone hit it

like he does. They just don’t have that level of co-ordination. Apparently his technical ability is way beyond his years.” The toddler’s talents were first spotted at his a local gym in May when they took his brother, Hugo, five, and five sisters aged between six and 15 for tennis lessons. His mother, Danielle, 35, gave Jonah a racket to play with and was stunned by the results. “We were totally gobsmacked,” she said. “The ball came to him and he swung a perfect shot right over the net and past our eldest daughter.” Coach Henry Newball, 36, said, “Jonah is obsessed with tennis, which is very unusual for a child his age. Jonah just has natural ability.” HEARTBALM, AUGUST 6-12, 2009 –


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I WANNA B A Porn Star has one of the greatest catch phrases of any porn film I have ever seen. So what is it, it’s “Solving unemployment one whore at a time”. Simple yet brilliant. I Wanna B A Porn Star is not for the faint hearted as it’s extremely hardcore doesn’t beat around the bush. This film wastes no time and goes direct to the point, no storyline, no props, no try-hard acting, just good old fashioned hardcore sex. An Evil Angel production, there was obviously a little bit of money behind this film as they were able to afford a beautiful Lamborghini to sit in the background of the first scene. I know I shouldn’t be looking

I Wanna B A Porn Star!

French Angels

Rocco’s Dirty Dreams #8

Studio: Evil Angel Category: Gonzo Genre: Straight, Auditions Director: Jake Malone Stars: Kagney Linn Karter, Amia Moretti, Codi Carmichael, Rebecca Blue, Tuesday Cross, Mina Meow Run Time: 2hrs 35mins Number Of Discs: 1 Bonus Features: Interactive Menus, Chapter Selection, Slide Show, Trailers, Cumshot Recap, Behind The Scenes, Filmographies

Studio: Evil Angel Category: Gonzo Genre: Letterboxed, Straight Stars: Loona Luxx, Stella Delcroix, Cecilia Vega, Megane, Eva Karera, Angel Run Time: 172 minutes Number Of Discs: 1 Bonus Features: Interactive Menus, Chapter Selection, Cumshot Recap, Behind The Scenes, Photo Galleries, Cast List & Filmographies, Trailers

Studio: Evil Angel Category: Gonzo Genre: Straight, Anal Stars: Vanessa Hill, Cecelia Vega, Stella Delcroix, Avril, Isabella, Annett, Vadim, Angel, Liza Monelli, Zenza Raggi, Leslie Taylor Run Time: 2hrs 48mins Number Of Discs: 1 Bonus Features: Interactive Menus, Chapter Selection, Cumshot Recap, Slisw Show, Cast List & Filmographies

at cars when there is a great looking blonde taking on two guys but I’m only human as a Lamborghini isn’t your everyday car now is it? Keep a close look out for some great dildo actin later in the film involving a cute looking blonde with a tight little ass hole. Sadly the bonus features section from I Wanna B A Porn Star are almost non existent, only containing a photo section and a quickies section. Overall a good quality film. VERDICT:

THE BOYS from Filthy’s always seem to have a great time when making a new production and nothing seems to have changed with Filthy’s Dirty Cut Vol. 3. The cast from Filthy’s hit the town to seek the hottest and dirtiest girls available before enticing them to strip and screw for large amounts of cash. As they say, money talks and it certainly does with these girls agreeing to just about anything once the cash is waved in front of their faces. The girls are hot and really get into the action, putting on some great performances and really getting pounded hard. On the hunt for some serious camel toe, the boys run into a

stripper named Katie Morgan in a scene that just has to be seen. As I said, the action is hot, hardcore and continuous with no time wasted on anything not sexual related. Make sure you check out the scene when a blonde bimbo gets hammered by a skinny black guy. The guy isn’t the best looking guy as to be honest his teeth are quite rotted but he has a huge cock and knows how to use it and in porn, that’s all that really counts. VERDICT:

ITALIAN porn legend Rocco Siffredi brings together his favorite new teens and wild veteran Eurosluts in Rocco’s Dirty Dreams 8, a fever dream of nasty and nonsensical sex that includes Rocco’s trademark anal fucking and nonstop perversity. Unbelievably sexy women, ranging from teenage cutie Avril to stunning French MILF Cecilia Vega, getting pumped by Europe’s top studs under the direction of Rocco and his twisted imagination. These exceptionally photogenic bitches prefer their sex hard, dirty and without limits, something Rocco knows plenty about. Be warned, this film is hardcore to the max but then again you wouldn’t expect anything less from a film by Rocco

Siffredi. I’m talking about anal, threesomes, gang bangs, huge facials and yes even the odd gagging scene. The Rocco’s Dirty Dreams 8 disc contains 45 minutes of behind-the-scenes footage including Rocco’s POV view of three blowjobs and his athletic fucking of young Angel - plus four photo galleries and nine Rocco trailers. Once again, Rocco has pulled off a masterpiece, a very big thumbs up. VERDICT:

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6 – HEARTBALM, AUGUST 6-12, 2009

H e a r t b a l m


L E T T E R S ♥

L E T T E R S ♥


H e a r t b a l m

Ms AL is 24 and wants her boyfriend to loosen up. She writes: For months now I’ve been trying to get my boyfriend to let me play with him properly. I read in a book that if you play with and around the anal area of a guy while he comes it intensifies the experience. We have been together for over a year and yet he still doesn’t let me do it. While I’m sucking his cock I want to play with the area and get him to feel what it’s like to really come, but every time I go near there he pretty much throws me off and ruins the mood. My friend does it all the time with her boyfriend and he seems to love it. How can I get him to at least try it without freaking him out because I really believe it’s something he will really like once he gets comfortable with the idea. Heartbalm writes: It’s not easy to persuade straight men to let you play with their arse holes as anal fun is associated with gays. Perhaps you should sit him down and talk to him about it and explain that he isn’t less of a man if he

enjoys some anal fun. In fact, get down to your local video shop and hire the comedy Road Trip. It’s a really funny film and could be great educational in helping your man enjoy anal fun. Also make sure that you let him play with your arse hole as often as he likes to get him used to the idea of anal fun.

trust each other and feel comfortable in any situation. You need to go over to him and just ask if he is stroking it when you get changed. If he says yes then you can simply ask him to stop it or don’t parade around naked in front of him. If he says no then you can both have a good laugh about it and you can carry on with your routine.

Is he or isn’t he?

Doing the rounds

Mr SV is 18 andis worried that his footy teammate is masturbating to him in the change rooms. He writes: I am very concerned about the sexual preference of my footy mate, who I think is masturbating over me whenever I am naked in the change rooms. I catch him in the corner of the room fondling himself with a disturbingly happy look slapped across his face. This is making me feel very uncomfortable as I don’t want a male wanking off to me, also I don’t wish to feel so self conscious in he changing rooms. How do I avoid this nasty situation?

Mr DT is 22 and is concerned because everybody has had a ride of his girlfriend. He writes: I have been going out with my girlfriend for about three months I love her very much, but what concerns me is that before I met her she had gone through all my mates, some of them on more than one occasion. This is terrible as whenever I am hanging with them and a sexual topic comes up they relate it back to an incident with my girlfriend. This makes me feel incredibly insecure and uncomfortable as the girl I am with is my mates’ reject.

Heartbalm Writes: This is a guy who plays footy with you, you both should

Heartbalm Writes: You need to look at what is important, you are going out

H e a r t b a l m


L E T T E R S ♥

Anal adventure

Mr FD is 18 and is an incredibly sexually frustrated young man. He has been going out with his girlfriend for over six months without any action. He writes: I have been going out with my girlfriend for over six months and she hasn’t done anything for me in a sexual way, I think that she is frigid and there is nothing I can do about it. I have wasted six months with her and haven’t got past first base while I watch my mates go out and pick up a girl and go all the way on the first night with her. I’m not totally just concerned with shagging her all the time but in six months she hasn’t pleasured me in any way shape or form. All my mates give me a hard time about it and they all think she is a bitch. What is wrong with her and what can I do to change her?


Where the love?

H e a r t b a l m

with a girl that you like and her past should not influence the way you feel about her. Don’t say she is your mates’ reject, think of it as she has experienced all your group and you are the one that she chose. That should be a great confidence booster for you.

Heartbalm writes: You are dating a frigid prude and your mates are right to hang shit on you. I advise you to get out of the relationship as quickly as you possibly can and cut your losses, if a girl has not pleasured you in six months there is either something seriously wrong with her, or with you for dating her. Otherwise you can just start visiting a brothel until she decides to pull her finger out of her arse.

L E T T E R S ♥

HEARTBALM, AUGUST 6-12, 2009 –


★ G A Z I N G AT T H E S TA R S , T I T S , G L I T Z , ★ Clooney’s done it again HERE’S George Clooney’s new girlfriend 30-year-old Italian actress Elisabetta Canalis who apparently has a deep love for showing her breasts. Even while playing a nun. I love her already. Which is unfortunate because judging by a recent interview , she’s in for a world of disappointment with Clooney. People reports: “I have now become more fussy about who I date. And in any case my future boyfriend will have to share my bed with (her mini Doberman) Piero, too,” she recently told Italian magazine Tu. “Before in love I used to play much more, now I don’t want to waste any more time with wrong relationships. I just want someone who can make me find tranquility. I want to get home and find a person who can make me feel good.” Jesus. She’s looking for a lasting relationship and thought George Clooney was the perfect candidate? The George Clooney who goes through cocktail waitresses like toilet paper?

Miranda got caught

OKAY, I know I’m a little late publishing this Miranda Kerr topless bikini picture, but it’s been making the news recently so I thought better late than never. Supposedly this was for a Victoria’s Secret photoshoot, so I guess that means Victoria’s Secret has finally stopped making those pesky bras. About damn time! Enjoy!

8 – HEARTBALM, AUGUST 6-12, 2009

Way to go FHM OH man do I love the guys at FHM! Talk about giving us what we want: The hottest Eliza Dushku bikini pictures I think we’ve ever seen. No, it’s not rocket science, but honestly, you’d be surprised how often people get it wrong, so it’s great to see that FHM is still on the ball.

Kate can’t spell

Ashley has nipples

IF KATY Perry really wants to stop us talking about her breasts, then maybe she shouldn’t keep drawing attention to them, like, for instance, getting a tattoo on her right breast. Katy Perry tattooed singer Josh Groban’s name on her boob, but we’ve got news for Katy: She spelled it wrong. It’s “Groban” not “Grobin.” Nice one Katy. Good thing for her it’s obviously a fake tattoo. And if she needs anyone to help wipe it off, I just happen to be available.

Alba is smokin again WHAT the shit?! When did Jessica Alba get hot again? Here she is in Malibu last week, and this picture confirm what many of us forgot about Jessica Alba but should’ve been focused on all along. And that’s the fact that she is still without doubt one of the hottest girls in the world

Lauren looks well...

Kate flaunts it... KATY Perry in Miami before hosting the Katy Perry Pool Party. Wait. She does pool parties? I really have to start saving up to buy a pool. Hope she will accept my invitation.

BRITISH actress Lauren Pope relaxing in Miami recently with her DJ Glam Girls partner Kellie Acreman. You may remember Lauren as the giant breasted woman who Lindsay Lohan personally requested in London last month. Hmm, good choice.

HERE’S Twilight super-hottie Ashley Greene and her nipples doing a photoshoot. I’m sure she didn’t mean to have her nipples almost completely visible, and that she was tricked by the wardrobe guys at the shoot. Or the opposite. I don’t want to call Ashley an attention whore, mainly cuz she’s super pretty, so I’m going to go easy on her, but she likes being noticed. That being said, I’m more than happy to notice her.

JENNIFER’S always cold HERE is Friends star Jennifer Anniston with some serious nipple fat action. Has any girl in history had more action from her nipples? It’s like they are always alert and standing tall. Perhaps she is always cold or maybe just happy to see someone.

Showing off the pups BRITISH model/reality star Imogen Thomas went swimming topless recently at her hotel in Marbella, Spain, and guess what, she just happened to be topless. God Bless!

HEARTBALM, AUGUST 6-12, 2009 –



So these two brother go up their log cabin way out in the boonies to do some hunting. As they are walking through the woods, one of the brothers steps on a snake and the snakes reaches up and bites him directly in the crotch! Immediately he begins to get woozy. His brother quickly picks him up and carries him the ten miles back to the log cabin. Since the are miles from any hospital, he calls a doctor to see if he can do anything for his sickly brother. The doctor asks him what kind of snake it was. He says, “I don’t know. It was about three feet long and was striped yellow and black.” The doctor says, “Oh, that’s a very poisonous snake. You’ll have to suck the posion out or your brother will be dead in half an hour.” So he goes to the room where he left his brother and his brother asks, barely conscious, “What did the doctor say?” And his brother says, “You’ll be dead in half an hour.”

A Frenchman, a British and a Irishman are waiting patiently at the top of a ten storey building which is burning up pretty fast. Finally the fire department get

there only to find out that the fire truck ladder doesn’t reach the building rooftop. The firemen then decided to get the old blanket out so that the guys could jump. They pulled the blanket up and signalled the three men to jump. The men looked at each other wondering who was going to go first. The Frenchman decides to go and has he jumps he yells out, “Vive la France!” Hearing this, the firemen bellow let the blanket go and the Frenchman hits the pavement. The firemen pulled the blanket back up and signalled the two remaining guys to jump. The British decides to jump and as he jumps he yells out, “God save the Queen!”. Hearing this, the firemen bellow, again, let the blanket go and the British hits pavement. Finally the firemen pulled the blanket again and signalled the Irishman to jump. The Irishman replies, “Are you kiddin’ me, I saw what you guys did to my two friends. Gently spread the blanket on the ground and back up”.

Three engineers and three accountants are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each

buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all Three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “ticket please.”

A guy donated blood to his girlfriend. When they broke up, he wanted his blood back. The girl threw a bloody tampon at him and said, I’ll pay you in monthly instalments.”

Wanting to quit A former banker who is unable to quit smoking is to spend August on a remote uninhabited Scottish island in a bid to break the habit, newspapers reported on Saturday. Geoff Spice will be a castaway on Sgarabhaigh (pronounced Scaravay) in the Outer Hebrides - a group of islands off the northwestern corner of Scotland. He will camp during his stay as the island has only three ruined “bothies” - huts once used by shepherds - and no electricity or running water. Spice, formerly a senior banker at NM Rothschild in London, hopes the solitude will help him give up his habit. “This is my last chance. I’ve been smoking 30-a-day as usual but I think I can crack the habit,” British newspapers quoted him as saying. “I also hope that living on the island and surviving by myself will mean that I will not pile on the pounds as other people do when they give up.” Spice, from Surrey near London, reportedly began smoking 43 years ago when he took a job delivering newspapers. The island of Sgarabhaigh is owned by Dave Hill, who also runs

10 – HEARTBALM, AUGUST 6-12, 2009

A girl in a cinema turns sideways and whispers to her boyfriend. ‘The man next to me is masturbating!’ Bf: ‘Ignore him.’ Gf: ‘I can’t.’ Bf: ‘Why not?’ Gf: ‘He is using my hand!’

A hubby said to his wife, “I will take a photo of your breast and frame it.” The wife said to husband, “I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it.”

What did Snow White complain about after having sex with the 7 dwarfs? Snow White said, “I would rather have 7 inches at 1 time. Not 1 inch 7 times.”

dow. “I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the officer said.” The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.” A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. “Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.” “I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!” A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class is reduced to

Greatest Smart Arse Answers It was mealtime during an airline flight. “Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. “What are my choices?” John asked. “Yes or no,” she replied. A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.” A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.” The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his win-

its website. A statement on the website said, “August 2009 will see us install our most recent castaway on Sgarabhaigh who is going to use the solitude and distance from tobacco to cure himself of his smoking habit.

Tiger escapes in Las Vegas A tiger used in a magic show did a vanishing act from its pen and roamed the streets of Las Vegas. Local police say that a resident in the north-west of the city called police at around 9pm after seeing the beast in the street outside, according to the Las Vegas ReviewJournal. Officers were despatched to recover the big cat, which belongs to the Fernando Brothers Magic Act. It was quickly tracked down to a domestic yard and returned to captivity. Lt Les Lane of the Las Vegas Metro Police confirmed that no-one had been hurt during the tiger’s brief escapade and that no charges would be filed. However, animal control officers will be working with the tiger’s owners to ensure that he didn’t sneak out for any more evening strolls.

laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.” A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

Go directly to jail! A 54-year-old Michigan man faces jail for assault and battery after a game of Monopoly turned violent. Kenneth Repke was charged after allegedly hitting a woman and damaging her glasses when she refused to sell him Park Place and Broadwalk (the US equivalents of Park Lane and Mayfair), reports Detroit News. The alleged victim called the police and told the operator, “I was at my neighbour’s house. We were playing Monopoly and he hit me.” “He slapped me and knocked my glasses off.” Neighbours have expressed surprise at the incident, saying that Repke and the woman would often get together for board game sessions. One local resident, Nicholas Renze, said, “I thought that was violent for a game that’s supposed to be friendly. I guess he takes his Monopoly pretty seriously.” Repke is scheduled to appear in court next week, and could be imprisoned for three months if found guilty.

HEARTBALM, AUGUST 6-12, 2009 –







12 – HEARTBALM, AUGUST 6-12, 2009



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