Issuu on Google+


SPORTS QUIZ many games did David Wirrpanda play with the West 1 How Coast Eagles? many games did Adam Hunter play with the West Coast 2 How Eagles? was the last season that Carlton participated in finals 3 When football? eliminated them that season? 4 Who horse was named the 2008/09 Australian racehorse of 5 Which the year?

6 Which horse finished runner up? horse was named as Australia’s 2008/09 champi7 Which onship stayer? horse took out the champion two-year-old award? 8 Which horse took out the champion three-year-old award? 9 Which was given Australian Racing Hall of Fame legend 10 Who status, joining Phar Lap and Bar Cummings in the category?

Beck’s family issues TROUBLE’S brewing in the Beckham household again over whether to stay in Los Angeles or return home. While David is keen to play football in Europe, ambitious Victoria is set on remaining in LA. “It’s a very tense situation,” a source says. “It’s in David’s nature to please Victoria but he won’t be happy if he stays in the States. He’s miserable there and wants to come home and play for England.” Victoria’s US career has gone from strength to strength. Her black dresses are flying off the shelves and she was a guest judge on American Idol. “She wants to prove she can be as much of a star as back home,” adds the source. “David feels he has compromised enough but she always gets what she wants.” Victoria’s spokesperson said, “There is no disagreement. David is committed to LA Galaxy while being vocal about his desire to keep his involvement with the England team.”

Don’t mess with Dawn

You Bloody idiots! A UK RUGBY player has admitted to using a novelty shop blood capsule to fake an injury during a game. When you take a close look at the picture, you’re surprised anyone was fooled by this scam. Looks like he ate a cheeseburger and the ketchup spilled onto his face. Anyway, here’s my favorite quote from the story: Tom Willliams admits that when he was handed the fake blood capsule on the pitch by Dr. Brennan he put it in his sock and then pulled it out after a contact situation and tried to bite on it. The capsule fell out of his mouth, forcing him to pick it up and and try the whole process again in full view of the sold-out stadium and television cameras. What we don’t understand is, what was the point of the blood capsule to begin with? If you wanted to be pulled out of the match, why not just fall down at the slightest contact (like European soccer players do) and grab your knee?

OLYMPIC great Dawn Fraser says she fought off and helped capture a man who tried to rob her home. The 71-year-old swim champion, who lives at Noosaville on Queensland’s Sunshine Coast, says the man grabbed her but she fought back. “This guy came out of the gate and grabbed me and I grabbed him by the ear and I kicked him in the groin,” she said. “So he had to let me go and he threatened my life and I got really annoyed about that and just grabbed him by the ear and the hair.” She said a male friend made the man lie on his stomach until police arrived. The friend also made a number of boys, who had been with the man, sit down and wait. But a Queensland police spokeswoman told AAP they were unaware of any attack occurring. “Investigations are continuing as far as police are concerned,” she said. “Nobody was attacked.” No charges have been laid.

ANSWER: 1. 227 2. 151 3. 2001 4. Richmond in the preliminary final

5. Scenic Blast 6. Theseo 7. Viewed 8. Phelan Ready 9. Whobegotyou 10. Arthur ‘Scobie’ Breasley

Bull fighting veteran A 67-YEAR-OLD for mer butcher from Britain has made a comeback as a top-flight matador in Spain, defying not only his age but the heart and knee problems that forced him to retire four years ago. Frank Evans, known in Spain simply as ‘El Ingles’, successfully slayed two bulls of around 500kg after expertly working them around the arena. He was cheered by the 300 spectators in the small bullring near Malaga in southern Spain - many of them British holidaymakers - and carried out on the shoulders of his colleagues.

Prank got wrong A WOMAN rugby player is lucky to be alive after drunken yobs pushed a two-ton grass roller into her tent as she slept, fracturing her skull. The ‘prank’ also left Emma Winch with facial injuries after she was crushed by the huge cylinder, which was rolled down a hill. The 26year-old had been camping at Aberaeron Rugby Club where she was due to play in a competition. The 5ft-wide, cast-iron roller careered into her tent at 1am on Saturday, narrowly missing two friends. She was taken to a local hospital before being airlifted 75 miles to the specialist neurology unit at Morriston Hospital, Swansea. After she was discharged, she said, “I heard it coming. There was like a lot of banging and then I heard people laughing. I stopped the roller with my head. My face was numb so I couldn’t feel much. I have had a lucky escape.” Police arrested 21 members of a youth team from Merthyr Tydfil after carrying out a torchlit identity parade at the campsite. They have all been released on bail.

2 – HEARTBALM, SEPTEMBER 3-9, 2009

www.heartbalm.com.au


DiMaggio’s Monroe mishap BASEBALL legend Joe DiMaggio wanted Marilyn Monroe to be his demure housewife so when she posed for this picture he beat her up. He saw some publicity shots of Marilyn Monroe in March 1952 and decided to ask her for a date. Although she was a dazzlingly beautiful movie star, he was at that time by far the bigger celebrity. His brilliance with a baseball bat for the New York

Lions feel the love

Yankees made him one of America’s most revered heroes. He had retired from baseball just a few months before, aged only 36, because of injuries - but the public adored him still as a sporting legend. The date was set for March 8, at Villa Nova, an Italian restaurant which is now The Rainbow Bar And Grill on Sunset Boulevard. Marilyn, who wasn’t sure she was much interested in a baseball player, was late by two hours. But he impressed her. Despite his quiet, almost sullen demeanour, he still managed to command the whole room. During the summer of 1952, Marilyn and DiMaggio began to date more regularly. But red flags were raised by her concerned friends. He didn’t like her career, he thought women should be firmly in the home, he was jealous of the attention she generated from other men. In July, Joe took her home to San Francisco to meet his family. Once there, she clearly saw why Joe wanted his wife to be domestic - women raised children, cooked and cleaned, and it had always been that way in the DiMaggio family. At the end of summer, Joe

dropped a real bombshell: he thought it would be best if Marilyn abandoned her acting. It only caused her stress, he argued, so why do it? ‘Joe was sick and tired of Marilyn’s career,’ said Stacy Edwards, who was a sportswriter at the time in Philadelphia and knew DiMaggio well. ‘He said he wanted to get her out of the movies. “We’ll buy a nice home in San Francisco and just live a simpler life,” he told me. This promted several arguments amongst the two, with the final straw for Marilyn coming when Joe beat her up in their hotel after he became incensed at the sexy, skirt-flying shoot for The Seven Year Itch. Five thousand onlookers watched the filming of that shot, at one in the morning, with Marilyn standing over a subway grate, her accordion-pleated skirt flying. Unfortunately, DiMaggio was one of them. He rushed back to their hotel and waited for his wife. Then he took out his rage on her, slapping her around the room. The noise was so great that other hotel guests reported it to the hotel’s management, afraid that someone was getting badly hurt.

EPL star sued A PREMIERSHIP footballer is being sued for £850,000 by his former girlfriend and mother of his child - for failing to marry her. Everton star Steven Pienaar, who was served the summons at the end of a match, is accused of breaking a promise to wed Danielle Steeneveld after they met two years ago. She said the 27-year-old winger had ‘fallen madly in love her’ and that she gave up living in their native South Africa to live with him while he played in Britain. But - despite claims of a marriage proposal and their 14-month-old daughter Skyla sharing his surname - Pienaar and Miss Steeneveld’s relationship was recently ended, court papers say. So, after returning to South Africa, Miss Steenveld, 22, decided to sue. Pienaar, a South African international, was handed the summons by his lawyers just minutes after his side were beaten 3-1 at home by Serbia in a friendly in Pretoria, two week ago. The footballer’s lawyers failed to comment but have indicated they will fight the claims.

www.heartbalm.com.au

HEARTBALM, SEPTEMBER 3-9, 2009 –

3


4 – HEARTBALM, SEPTEMBER 3-9, 2009

www.heartbalm.com.au


Lick My Fire

Strap Attack #10

Katie Morgan Cyberskin Ass Katie’s Ass Feels Amazingly Real

Studio: Private Category: All Sex Genre: Foreign, All Girl Stars: Natalli Di Angelo, Cindy Dollar, Renata Black, Zoe, Eufrat, Defrancesca Gallardo Run Time: 1hr 55mins Number Of Discs: 1 Bonus Features: Interactive Menus, Chapter Selection, Behind The Scenes, Trailers, Bonus Scene, Website Info GROWING up there are a few things that just about every boy dreams of such as kicking the winning goal in an AFL grand final, owning a sports car, becoming a fireman and of girls or to be more particular lesbians. While there is no AFL action or exotic sport stars in this film, Lick My Fire does contain lesbians, fire fighting lesbians to be more exact. That’s right this film is about fire fighter lesbians getting it on, dressed in fire fighting equipment! There are actually no flames to be seen in the film, however there is plenty of heat with the girls really enjoying each other’s company. Being a Private film, the girls are all A-grade beauties with fine finger licking figures. As the title suggests, there is

www.heartbalm.com.au

plenty of licking action in the film, not just pussy licking either, I’m also talking about anal licking. When fingers and tongues just aren’t enough to satisfy one another, the girls employ the help of some toys such as dildos, vibrators and strap ons. The girls also know exactly how to use these toys, using them to extract pleasure form their friends by thrusting them into their pussies or tight asses. No cocks to be seen in Lick My Fire but who cares, these girls mange to do without. VERDICT:

Studio: Evil Angel Category: Fetish Genre: Girl on Guy Strap Ons, Bi Stars: Asa Akira, Holly Fox, Monica Santhiago, Lilly Kingston, Mz Berlin, Jessi Star, Cristian XXX, Wolf Hudson, Pablo Run Time: 1hrs 43min Number Of Discs: 1 Bonus Features: Interactive Menus, Chapter Selection, Cast List & Filmographies, Behind The Scenes, Gallery, Cumshot Recap

KATIE Morgan, the woman that every man would love to fuck. Now you can fuck her ass whenever you want. This week I was given an exact mould of Katie Morgan’s ass. When I say exact I mean exact, that’s correct some lucky bastard moulded Katie’s ass for you and I to penetrate whenever we feel like it. I gave this little masturbator to the master masturbator himself Tommy Gee. Tommy says, “I have tried a lot of different masturbators and this one would have to be the best of the best. The ass hole is

hand painted (fuck knows why) and the entrance is very tight so small blokes like me can enjoy as well. The inside is ribbed for extra sensation and it even has a moulded hand grip for better comfort whilst you tug.” All I can say is for all you blokes that don’t get a steady root like me you must go out and grab Katie Morgan’s ass, you won’t regret it. Thanks Jon Savage Always practice safe sex VERDICT:

STARRING Asian hottie Asa Akira, Evil Angels Strap Attack 10 is a film with a little bit of an unexpected twist. As with most regular porn films there is the usual event of guys screwing girls, however the action then takes a turn when the girls decide to turn the tables on the guys by screwing them up the arse. Girls wearing strap on cocks and they all enjoy having a turn to inflict their own penetration on their male friends. Seeing as though there are plenty of girls in the film I wouldn’t classify this film in the gay genre, however it has men sucking on strap on cocks and then receiving it up the arse, it does come close to appealling to gay men. The girls really do turn the

tables on the male gender using the tools of their nasty trade: dildos, fingers, verbal abuse and other forms of sensual ... Full Descriptionemasculation. From mean fetish bitches like fiery redhead Mz. Berlin, to spunky Brazilian confection Monica Santhiago, to fresh-faced cuties like blond Holly Fox, these girls wield their strap-on weapons like they were born with one! So overall if you want to witness girls inflicting some erotic payback on their male friends then perhaps Strap Attack 10 is the film for you. VERDICT:

HEARTBALM, SEPTEMBER 3-9, 2009 –

5


Horny Girls

Get into the action with me

Call Now:

1902 213 207 $4.95 min (inc GST) Higher from Pay/Mob

6 – HEARTBALM, JULY SEPTEMBER 3-9, 2009

www.heartbalm.com.au


H e a r t b a l m

L OV E

L E T T E R S ♥

L OV E

Naughty in the night

Heartbalm writes: Not only do I think you should continue to hang out with these girls but I beg you to let me come along to just one of these parties.

Work and play Mr. D is 19 and writes: I’ve been working part time for a few months now and recently have found a new reason to show up to work besides the money. My

www.heartbalm.com.au

boss has just hired a beautiful 18 yearold blonde who I am simply infatuated with. Instantly from her first working shift, we both hit it off and have since become good friends. Occasionally we both flirt with each other, making funny suggestions about doing it in the storeroom. As of yet I haven’t acted upon any of these suggestions, as I am scared that she is simply joking and would take the move as an insult and in the process ruining our friendship. What do you think is the best way to approach this tricky situation? Heartbalm writes: This really is a hard one. While making a move is risky, it

H e a r t b a l m

may well be a risk worth taking. After all as the saying goes, you have to take a chance to have a chance.

Feeling great but guilty Mr. MN is 21 and is feeling guilty after taking advantage of a drunken friend. He writes: Last week a few friends and I went out to our regular Saturday night hang out for a few drinks and a bit of a dance. Having saying this some of us went a step too far and got absolutely smashed in the process. One friend in particular was practically on the verge of passing out so I decided it would be best if I were to escort her

L OV E

home, allowing our other friends to keep enjoying the night. Once outside we decided to have a rest in the park while on the way home. While at the park I began giving my friend a gentle massage in an attempt to relax her. As she leant over with her eyes closed, totally oblivious as to what I was doing, I felt an incredible urge to grope her breasts. Reaching down her top and slipping my hands beneath her bra, I was amazed to find a set of perhaps the greatest tits to ever grace this world. When she began to stir, I quickly removed my hands leaving her to wake up clueless as to what I had just done. Afterwards I took her home and proceeded to hurry back home where I pleased myself with the images I had just encountered. It felt so good, yet I feel in someway guilty as if I have betrayed a friend. I want to tell her but I am worries sick as to how she will react. Should I spill my guts all just close the vault and never let her know what happened that night? Heartbalm writes: First of all you should be ashamed of yourself for taking advantage of a helpless friend. Secondly I believe you should set the record straight. If she has any brains then she should smack you across the mouth and walk away, never speaking to you again. However if for some reason she can find it in her heart to forgive you then basically you’ll be one of the luckiest bastards alive and might even get to fondle her lovely assets while she is still actually conscious and aware.

L E T T E R S ♥

Ms NW is 19 and has had a sleepover that has changed her life. She writes: My girlfriends are pretty crazy and always talk about the wild things that they get up to on the weekend. The other night I was invited to a sleepover with them and we decided to snuggle up with a few bottles of champagne. What I thought would be a quiet night quickly got out of control when we started paying strip poker and spin the bottle. I’d never kissed a girl before and I was very nervous as I pashed a few of my friends. They had no qualms about kissing each other and giggled uncontrollably as they stripped off. Soon I felt like I was in a porn movie as my five friends and I were naked and making out with each other. Then the girls teamed up and I watched in horror as they started licking each other’s pussies. I really wanted to be friends with these girls so I went along with it all and let one brunette girls pleasure me orally. Then it was my turn to lick her out and I hated every minute. I don’t want to be around those girls anymore and I feel uncomfortable whenever I see them.

L OV E

H e a r t b a l m

Heartbalm writes: Simple. Give this bitch the flick and move on with your life.

H e a r t b a l m

Mr. Dm is 22 and is pissed off at a chick. He tells us: I’ve been casually seeing this girl for about a month and when it’s just the two of us she is without doubt my dream girl. She is attractive and really interesting, we share a lot of good times together and we could potentially form a relationship. However, whenever we’re in public she acts as if she’s never seen me before, and I constantly have her bitchy friends telling me to f#ck off as I look to be almost stalking her. The thing that angers and upsets me is that she must be ashamed of what we share and it makes me look like a weirdo who is stalking her when my feelings for her are reciprocated.

L E T T E R S ♥

Evil bitch

L E T T E R S ♥

HEARTBALM, SEPTEMBER 3-9, 2009 –

7


★ G A Z I N G AT T H E S TA R S , T I T S , G L I T Z , ★ Brook’s a beauty HERE is Kelly Brook posing for the October issue of Loaded. I always pictured her as someone too classy for a men’s magazine but upon closer inspection this is exactly where she belongs. What a girl!

Lindsay has a sex tape? APPARENTLY the safe stolen from Lindsay Lohan’s home over the weekend is chock full of scandal-ly goodness, according to the Chicago Sun Times. I’ve learned the real reason Lindsay Lohan is so upset about the theft of the safe from her L.A. house is the contents included some very incriminating videos and photos, plus legal documents, that LiLo believes could cause embarrassment if made public. Here’s what I don’t get: If during a lapse of judgment you made a sex tape that you never want to see the light of day, why not destroy it instead of keeping it around for someone to find? It’s not like 50 years from now you’re going to want to watch yourself drunkenly bang a stranger through the lens of a cellphone camera.



Francis you freak OKAY, rule #1: You don’t beat up girls. Especially if they are super hot Playboy Playmates (of the year)! But that’s just what ultra scumbag, Joe Francis, owner of Girls Gone Wild did at a bar in LA last week. Francis was allegedly harrassing an ex-girlfriend when the 2008 Playboy Playmate of the Year, Jayde Nicole (a Canadian!!!) decided to step in. So what did Francis do? He punched

Jayde Nicole in the face, threw her to the ground and started kicking her (allegedly). Radar Online reports: The alleged incident happened around 2:46 AM Friday at Guys and Dolls, a club in West Hollywood. According to Nicole, the attack happened after she spilled her drink on Francis. She says Francis became enraged and grabbed her by the hair, punched her, threw her to the ground where he kicked her. One of Jayde’s friends tried to fight him off and Francis allegedly hit that girl also. Security was called in to try and break it up. Jenner tried to grab Francis’ and ended up ripping his shirt. Francis then ran out of club and hasn’t been seen since. A police report has been filed and Nicole said she would press charges.

Heard heading the right way WE’VE already seen one Amber Heard nude film appearance in the film The Informers, and now there is another Amber Heard nude video from The Informers doing the rounds on the net and this one’s even better. At least I think it is. It’s really a shame, though, that this movie went straight to DVD in North America, since this would have been great to see on the big screen. It’s also a shame that Amber Heard’s career really isn’t taking off the way it should be. Then again, if her desperate need to be famous leads her to do more nude scenes, maybe she should struggle just a little bit longer...

8 – HEARTBALM, SEPTEMBER 3-9, 2009

www.heartbalm.com.au


Finch can really blow

Annoying as she may be, AnnaLynne McCord is pretty hot, and here she is proving it to some good degree in the new issue of Nylon magazine. She is making a habit of appearing in her bikini but not that I’m complaining.

Kate likes to touch herself Marshall Stowell, communications director at PSI, came to the defence of the “competition”, saying contestants underwent training and games were used that were friendly to young people or those with low literacy levels.

HERE’S a pictures of Katy Perry at a concerts this past weekend, and you might have noticed that she seems to like to touch herself on stage. And I’m not just talking about hands on hips. Check out the way she’s fondling her crotch. She just got to third base in front of a 50,000 people. I’m starting to think Katy Perry missed her true calling: Porn star. Now, if she would be so kind as to provide us with a sex tape.

No sight of the Bush I DO love Sophia Bush, but she so very rarely gives us anything worth posting, so it’s with great pleasure that I post this shot of Sophia Bush’s ass peeking out of her shorts. And, if you think about it, it really doesn’t look like she’s wearing any under-

wear at all (though she’s probably wearing a thong), so do you think that if she bent over we might actually see Sophia Bush’s bush? Naaah. She probably doesn’t even have one.



MISS Universe Australia Rachael Finch has come under fire for a contest she did win in the Bahamas - the Condom Olympics. Several contestants, including Finch and Miss USA Kristen Dalton, appeared at the HIV-awareness event just three days before last week’s Miss Universe final, CNSNews.com reports. They were taking part in a Donald Trump-approved promotion for Population Services International (PSI), and blew condoms full of air as well as filing them with water. Finch wowed the crowd by inflating a condom with her own breath until it burst - thus winning a challenge and provoking huge applause - but women’s groups are now claiming the theatrics trivialised a serious matter. “These ‘Condom Olympics’ seem quite counterproductive to raising awareness of the seriousness of HIV,” Alyssa Cardova, from the Claire Booth Luce Policy Institute, told CNSNews. “Instead of emphasizing the seriousness of the AIDS epidemic, the Miss Universe organisation has instead chosen to make a game out of it.”

McCord is growing on me

Irina slams Entourage A FORMER Playboy Playmate claims she was fired from hit show ‘Entourage’ after refusing the sexual advances of show’s cast. Fox News reports Russian model Irina Voronina was fired from her guest role on the HBO show earlier this year. The show chronicles the fictional life of rising movie star Vinnie Chase, played by Adrian Grenier, and his friends’ adventures in Hollywood. Voronina said she was told there wasn’t space for her in the filming but claimed the real reason was that she wasn’t nice to the actors. “They just treated me like a piece of meat without any respect and every conversation would start and end with ‘what are you doing later?’,” she was quoted as saying. The 31-year-old former bikini model, who now appears on comedy show ‘Saul of the Mole Men’, said she worked on the show several times but the constant harassment took its toll. Voronia said she would decline all invites to after parties or social events from the actors which she guessed “made them upset and bitter”.

www.heartbalm.com.au

HEARTBALM, SEPTEMBER 3-9, 2009 –

9


YOU GOTTA BE JOKING! turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-inlaw hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test . . . we couldn’t ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.” And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

What is the difference between sorority girls and hookers ? Sorority girls cost less per score.

What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant? About 40 lbs. How do you equalize the two? Feed the elephant.

What’s the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning? Walks home.

What’s the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic? Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.

How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm? She drops her nail file.

What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape? Don’t know. There is only so much an ape can be forced to do...

Why is a sorority girl like a door knob? ‘Cause everyone gets a turn.

How do you get a sorority girl in your bed? Grease her hips so she’ll fit through the door and throw a twinkie on the bed.

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me, it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then

She was so blonde... ...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said “concentrate”. ...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. ...she got stabbed in a shoot-out. ...she told me to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and “DONT WALK”. ...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. ...she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order. ...she sat on the TV and watched the couch. ...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. ...she tried to drown a fish. ...she thought a quarterback was a refund. ...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. ...if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you’d get change back. ...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade. ...she tripped over a cordless phone. ...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. ...at the bottom of the application where it says “sign here”.. she put “Sagittarius”. ...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. ...it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes. ...if she spoke her mind, she’d prob-

ably be speechless. ...she studied for a blood test ...and failed. ...she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center. ...she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats. ...she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train. ...she sold the car for gas money. ...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. ...she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill. ...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. ...when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left” she turned around and went home.

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. P.S. Sure is hot down here.

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a game. The blonde, who’s tired and just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.” Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.” This catches the blonde’s attention; and figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay,” says the lawyer, “it’s your turn.” She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs but comes down with four legs?” The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references—no answer. He taps into the airphone with his

modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress—no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde says “Thank you” and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Pop tart gorillas? A US policeman has reportedly been caught breaking into a zoo - to feed the captive gorillas Pop-Tarts. The unnamed officer is being investigated over claims he snuck into Como Zoo in MinneapolisSaint Paul to feed the three animals - named Schroeder, Gordy and Togo - the Kellogg’s breakfast treat. Two security guards reportedly spotted him on CCTV, feeding the beasts. The zoo says the animals have not suffered any ill effects from the experience, but have never eaten the sugary treat before.

Cheating husband forced to repent in public A wife took revenge on her husband after she discovered he was having an affair by making him stand in public with a sign saying “I cheated”. William Taylor stood shame faced on a busy road with the large home made sign draped round his neck saying, “I cheated. This is my punishment.” Taylor said his wife had come up with the humiliating punishment after she found out he had cheated on her, reports the Daily Telegraph. His wife found evidence of his affair on his mobile phone. Taylor, of Centreville, Virginia, said his wife had wanted him to stand with the sign for a week. But after a couple of hours he received a call to say his punishment was over.

10 – HEARTBALM, SEPTEMBER 3-9, 2009

He told a local TV station in Virginia that he thought his wife was joking when she suggested the idea. “I thought she was kidding, but she was serious,” he said. “I figured I got to do what I got to do to makes things right. So here I am. “Dozens of drivers honked their car horns as they saw Taylor standing forlornly on the busy intersection during the morning rush hour.

Fish out of water A goldfish managed to survive for seven hours on the floor after jumping five feet out of it’s bowl. Paula Dunster, 46, noticed Sparkle was missing but assumed her partner was cleaning the bowl. After a few hours she realised Sparkle was still nowhere to be found and decided to buy a replacement. The store worker told her to check the vicinity to make sure the fish hadn’t made a “bid for freedom”. Paula, of Redcar, Cleveland, went home - and found Sparkle covered in fluff and dog hair. Just as she was about to flush it down the toilet, she noticed the fish was still alive. She told the Daily Mirror, “I couldn’t believe it.” Her daughter Kelly, 15, claimed the “miracle” was down to her mum’s special powers as she works as a spiritual healer.

www.heartbalm.com.au


www.heartbalm.com.au

HEARTBALM, SEPTEMBER 3-9, 2009 –

11


★ $20 SHOW ENTRY ★ $20 SHOW ENTRY★

3 GIRL HOT LIVE BI-TWIN XXX SEX SHOWS THURSDAY NIGHT 7PM ALSO 8PM ENTERTAINMENT IN LOUNGE 6.30 TO 9PM

GREAT HOT LIVE BI-TWIN XXX SHOWS THURSDAY & FRIDAY 12 NOON MONDAY 12 NOON & 1PM SATURDAY NIGHT 8PM SURPRISE 364 X 1/2 hr BOOKING GIVEAWAY’S DURING SHOWTIMES THIS YEAR 9 YEARS SAME GREAT LOW PRICES!!

FULL SERVICE 1 HR $155 1/2 HR $95.00 RELAXATION FROM $40 FULL SERVICE $57 BROTHEL OPEN 7 DAYS 10AM TILL LATE

SOUTHERN COMFORT INTERNATIONAL PCA 4015BE

12 – HEARTBALM, SEPTEMBER 3-9, 2009

16 CITRUS STREET BRAESIDE

(03)

9588 0743 www.heartbalm.com.au


What’s HOT in Melbourne

BUSTY HUNG & HARD EXOTIC WILD & WILLING ALL NEW CHICK WITH DICKS

★ 9686 2626 www.stableboys.com.au

PCA458BE

G AN SKI HOR HO AG LLE TA UR ER D GE S S

&

44 GLADSTONE ST. SOUTH MELBOURNE

M

★ ★ ★

H A H R O D NE RN DU W C E T LO Y OF O S SIN

★ ★

RTS O BLE ESC A L I AVA

YOUNG STAFF DAYTIME SPECIAL Full service 20 min $85 Nude Relaxation from $70  h

9729 0688 2 The Nook Bayswater North (Off Canterbury Rd)

Ladies welcome Mel 50 H12

PCA 6710BE

Horny Girls

Get into the action with me

Call Now:

1902 213 207 $4.95 min (inc GST) Higher from Pay/Mob

www.heartbalm.com.au

HEARTBALM, SEPTEMBER 3-9, 2009 –

13


Sports Truth — DIRECTORY LISTING FOR THE ADULT INDUSTRY PRIVATE ESCORTS

BROTHELS ★ SPECIAL ★ SPECIAL ★ SPECIAL ★

SPECIAL ★ SPECIAL

(NO SEX INVOLVED)

Start 2009 in I N D U L G E I Nthe A F Amoney S C I N AT I N G E X P E R I E N C E

(02) 9906 2799

BROTHELS NAUGHTY TIMES (Nt Club) Girls & Trannies. 1309 North Rd., Huntingdale Ph: (03) 9544 4433 pca 5231b

Mata, Michelle, Emma, Myer, Monica, Linzy, Julie, Helen

BODY RUBS

9696 9199

45-47 TOPE ST SOUTH MELBOURNE

SPECIAL ★ SPECIAL

Im age s Sydney Earn $140 per hour

PCA 5109BE

EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES

★ SPECIAL ★ SPECIAL ★ SPECIAL ★

From Monday 3rd August New Night Shift Price From 7pm Till Late

Pca 818b

Lucy A Sexy Young Lady with a Size 6 Body. & Big Boobs Best Fun

The Rose Relaxation

PCA 5531B

71 Colebrook St., Brunswick Ph: 9386 0206

Advertisements are accepted on the understanding the advertiser indemnifies Heartbalm from all claims arising therefrom.

EXCELLENT SERVICE PCA 6072B BIG BOOBS

Exotic Young Busty

NEW TO TOWN

Melbourne s Most Handsome & Willing Huge Selection Young or Masculine Friendly & Discreet

9696 4242 44 Gladstone St. South Melbourne PCA458BE

SXC, 42DD,

Busty Blonde Beauty ★ Fem, Smooth 38DD Slim ★ Kinky, Versatile. Toys/DVD’S ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ Size 10 – Stunning ★ Guaranteed Playmate in Lingerie ★ Active Action Hot Playful Action ★ X-Dressing Welcome

9305 3473 PCA 6072B

PCA 6072B

P.C.A. 6261BE

When You Want Great Sex

Advertisements are accepted on the understanding the advertiser indemnifies Heartbalm from all claims arising therefrom.

Transexual ★★TRANSEXUAL★★ ★ ★Tyra★ ★★ CAPRI ★ Does OZ

JADE

★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★

9696 2222

Charley

G

MALE TO MALE

PCA 6736XE

9543 5901 PCA 5531B

ROSVENOR

STABLE BOYS

www.vicnet.net.au/– abama

0430 475 555

10 Fulton St Oakleigh

THE

Advertisements are accepted on the understanding the advertiser indemnifies Heartbalm from all claims arising therefrom.

www.ailing.escortsite.com

The Rose Relaxation

9305 3473

9696 2222

BACK IN MELBOURNE

Sensual, Long Dark hair, Friendly, For Your Pleasure

Flawless and Busty

9517 5335

Feeling Isolated? Need Advice? AIDS Information GAMMALINE (03) 9899 0509 & 1800 807 660

Feminine, Size 6 Versatile, Passionate

9305 3473

SONIA

PCA458BE

Trans AiLing

9543 5901

JORDAN

JADE

44 Gladstone St. South Melbourne

TRANSEXUALS

10 Fulton St Oakleigh

Phone:

9696 4242

BISEXUAL Older and MEN Bolder OR $5.50 per min mob/PT extra www.pjk.cc

TRANSEXUALS

Melbourne’s Most Beautiful & exotic Huge selection Many Nationalities Friendly & Discreet

PHONE SERVICES

Deliciously Wicked Ladies from 30 to 70+ years

TRANSEXUALS

$135 1/2 hr $175 3/4 hr $210 1hr

1/2 hr

● Appointments welcome

Mature, vivacious, private escort & dinner companion. Contact Kristen. City Based, Prompt Service. Mob: 0413 888 448 NO SMS pca 189XE

Not the cheapest but a HOLE lot better to CUM!!!

$115 per ● Open 10am till very late 7 Days ● Best service in town

ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A NICER TYPE OF LADY?

Horny & Hung Hard & Fun

Romantics

MALE TO MALE

Young Busty Blonde

0406 139 711

9305 3473

ST KILDA PCA 6377XE

★ 0430 080 541 ★ ★ Melb-North Melb ★ ★ ★ PCA 5699XE

PCA 6072B

.net.au

Jane, Claire, Jody, Mia, Zoe, Nina, Christina, Analise, Annie, Willow

★★★★Rosi★ ★★★ ★

Petite ★ Gorgeous ★

03 9417 6004

9305 3473

59 Rupert Street Collingwood

PCA 6072B

Present this ad $10 Discount

FAR EASTERN RELAXATION

TALIA Passionate Gorgeous Blonde

9305 3473

★ ★

ALL NEW 77 Racecourse Road North Melbourne Services from $65

9326 8388

PCA 6143B

PCA 6144B

PCA 6072B

MALE TO FEMALE

HOT ’n SPICY

RICHARD

★ LADIES ★ Faces ★ ★ New 34 Warner St ★ Huntingdale ★ ★ 9563 2982 ★ 10am till late ★ 7 days PCA 3671B ★

Visiting Escort

24/7 0418 328 296 PCA 6928XE

14 – HEARTBALM, SEPTEMBER 3-9, 2009

See your

★★★★★★★★★★★★ Advertisements are accepted on the understanding the advertiser indemnifies Heartbalm from all claims arising therefrom.

ad on the

Web at www.heartbalm.com.au www.heartbalm.com.au


★Switch Mistress Lauren★ Sexual Domination & My Body or Yours??? Come & see for yourself why Mistress Lauren is one of Melbourne’s most popular Dominatrix’s. Versatile & insatiably kinky - as well as being dropdead gorgeous. Engaging in sessions from mild to wild. Special introductory sessions for novices & nervous beginners. Even if you have never tried this but think you might like to Mistress Lauren can be gentle & nurturing - as well as wild & wicked. I am a warm & sensual Mistress with a playful demeanor. I enjoy both being Dominant or, if you would prefer to spank me (my smooth, firm & perky bottom...) I enjoy that too... ★ Fetish House is a custom-designed & custom-built fetish & fantasy venue. ★ 6 fully-equipped, spacious fetish/fantasy rooms & dungeons ★ Private, non-visible, undercover internal carparking offers the ultimate in discretion & safety ★ Clean, hygienic, fully air-conditioned/heated, full wheel-chair access & disabled facilities WE OFFER PRIVATE & DISCREET FANTASY ROOM OR DUNGEON HIRE FROM ONLY $50 PER HOUR. This is a fantastic deal for anyone who would like to have an intimate liaison in a safe, clean, warm, discreet, no-hassle, no questions asked & friendly environment. Fetish House now sells stocks and sells FETISH SHOES & BOOTS in all sizes - including large sizes for Sissy Boys and Cinderfella’s. Visit www.crimsonunderground.biz

Available Tuesdays, Wednesdays & Thursdays

Ph: (03)

9544 8384

www.fetishhouse.com.au

1 EDINBURGH ST, OAKLEIGH STH pca4228be

BLACK OPAL 9792 3008

PCA 194BE

DOMINATION & ADULT SERVICES

DROP IN AND SEE OUR FRIENDLY STAFF THEY WILL LOOK AFTER YOU AT ★ Dandenong’s Finest Brothel ★ Dandenong’s Best Prices ★ Offering The Best Service LADIES, LADIES, LADIES ALL ARE WELCOME

♥ COME PLAY WITH US ♥

Open for Inspection 10 am-4 am 7 Days

Correction Centre Melbourne’s Leading Fetish & Fantasies Establishment est. 1995

Specialising in The Creative Artform of Bondage & Discipline 11am Till Late

12 DANDENONG STREET DANDENONG

Submissive formerly of Oakliegh is now at new premises in Huntingdale special rates for previous and new clients

ADVERTISE FOR AS LITTLE AS $27.50 A WEEK

CATWOMAN

(minimum 4 weeks)

Watch tall, slender stunning 22 y.o. APPRENTICE MISTRESS seductively & sensually humiliate & torture her slave until he can take no more

CALL JON 9620 1166

(03)

696 2222 0409 590 048 PCA 6664XE

Ph: 03 9419 8347

20 St. David St., Fitzroy correctioncentre.com

PCA 3850BE

GOING TO THE BALL, WELL YOU WILL NEED NEW SHOES THEN WON’T YOU???

DOMINATION

Dee-ahna

Mistress Saskia

WALK ALL OVER ME GET YOUR SHOES FROM

SHOECRAFT Fetish, Glamour, X-Dressing All Sizes & Styles & Colours Come & See Our Range

SHOECRAFT BOUTIQUE 221 High St PRAHRAN

(NON-SEXUAL) private/discreet, appt. only PH:

0451 023 112

Catalogues Available Industry Discount

Discontinued & 1 off styles 50-70% Off Advertisements are accepted on the understanding the advertiser indemnifies Heartbalm from all claims arising therefrom.

(03)

Some pre-loved stock available

Never Have Money Problems Again

GEELONG GENTLEMEN'S CLUB ★ Full training & Pole dancing lessons by friendly management Huge $$. ★ Great facilities ★ Free accommodation Enjoy a lovely weekend in Geelong & have lunch on the waterfront or a nice drive down the coast during the day. ★ Only a 45 min drive or 1hr by train.

It’s a Paid Holiday

Ph: (03) 52218439 www.heartbalm.com.au

See your ad ♥

Mistress Britt DISCIPLINARIAN – XD/CP/CBT ELECTRICS BABYISM/GS/BS “PRIVATE/ESCORT” YOUR FANTASY/FETISH

PCA 6168XE

★★★★★★★★★ ★★★★★★★★★ ★★★★★★★★★ ★ ★ ★Mistress/ ★★★★★★ ★★★★★★★★★ ★ ★ ★Submissive ★★★★★★ Switch/ ★★★★ ★★★★★ ★ ★ ★Role ★ ★play ★★★★ ★ ★Fetish ★ ★&★Fantasy ★★★★ ★★ ★★★ ★★★★ Clayton, Huntigdale ★ ★S. ★E. ★Suburbs ★★★★★ ★ ★ ★Peninsula ★★★★★★ 0409 590 166 ★★ ★PCA ★★ ★★ ★★ 6664XE ★★★★★★★★★ ★★★★★★★★★

BIANCA

Dancers required by

9510 9993

www.shoecraft.com.au

PH: 0403 848 147 Advertisements are accepted on the understanding the advertiser indemnifies Heartbalm from all claims arising therefrom.

the chambers of sensual elegance ♥

on the

Web at

Mistress Shah

www.heartbalm.com.au HEARTBALM, SEPTEMBER 3-9, 2009 –

15


Horny ORIENTAL Girls ANGELS 15 George St Blackburn Get into the action with me

Call Now:

1902 213 207 $4.95 min (inc GST) Higher from Pay/Mob

Young Beautiful Girls Everyday Extra 20 min Relaxation Massage With every 1 hr Booking Special from

$65

10am – Late

Tel:

9877 3123 Mel 48 A9 PCA 6374B


Heartbalm 3-9 September 2009