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SPORTS QUIZ 1

In what year did Tony Locket kick a point after the siren to advance the Sydney Swans into the AFL Grand Final?

2

Who did the Swans defeat in that game and who did they play in the Grand Final?

3 4

Which Hawthorn premiership player retired recently?

Which team was he driving for at the time? Who won the 2009 Men’s Australian Tennis Open? Who did he defeat? Who won the 2009 Women’s Australian Tennis Open? Who did she defeat? Which was the last city to host a tournament that Tiger Woods competed in?

ANSWER: 1. 1996 2. Defeated Sydney and played North Melbourne 3. Trent Croad 4. One

5 6 7 8 9 10

How many world championships did Kimi Raikkonen win during his time in Formula One?

Phil just wants to help DARTS legend Phil Taylor believes he can boost England’s World Cup bid by delivering a rousing team talk. The patriotic Taylor has offered to reveal the secrets of his winning mentality to England in the lead up to the World Cup finals. “I would love to help and am ready, willing and able”, said Taylor after claiming his 15th world darts title. “I don’t have to tell these players how to win games but so much about success in sport is mental attitude.” “If Fabio Capello wants me, I’m here for him. I would even fly out to World Cup matches in South Africa to talk to the lads. The smallest advantage in professional sport can make all the difference.” “I’d make a good football manager because I’m very good at motivating people. I

also have a great work ethic. I might well be the first world champion of 2010 but wouldn’t it be amazing if the England team could win the World Cup? I’d do anything I could to help.” “I could tell them what goes through my mind when I’m taking a big shot at the world championship final.” “It takes guts and strength of character to hit those doubles, just as it takes strength in football.” “There is a bond between the two sports.” England midfielder Steven Gerrard is a big admirer of Taylor, saying, “For me, as sportsman, he is a role model and you can see how much he wants to be No 1.” Taylor beat Aussie Simon Whitlock 7-3 in the Ladbrokes.com PDC world cup final.

Turning to feng shui? ENGLAND cricket legend Geoffrey Boycott has urged struggling Manchester United striker Michael Owen to try the ancient Chinese art of feng shui in order to break into Fabio Capello’s World Cup squad. Owen has not scored a Barclays Premier League goal since his dramatic winner in the Manchester derby at Old Trafford in September. Owen, who has scored 40 goals in 89 appearances for England, had hoped that his move to Old Trafford would re-ignite his World Cup chances. However he is out of favour with manager Capello and his chances of boarding a flight to South Africa appears increasingly slim. However Boycott, who used feng shui as he overcame throat cancer in 2002, has told the former Newcastle and Liverpool hitman to try it out. “Michael is struggling with his scoring and obviously wants to get back in the England team for the World Cup finals in South Africa,” Boycott said. “So I wrote to him a while back urging him to give it a go. If he is not interested, fine, I’ve not a problem with that.” “I am only trying to help and if it helps him find his scoring boots again, then great. Everyone has won. He hasn’t replied yet. But if he does, I will put him in touch with some experts in feng shui and see where that takes him.” “When I was very ill, I had a Chinese expert come round to my house and he said do this and do that. We did it and I am here now, still talking. I am alive and, at the time, I wasn’t sure that would be the case.” Feng Shui expert Eddie Lui said, “I really think I could help Michael. I can make him do better.”

5. Ferrari 6. Rafael Nadal 7. Roger Federer 8. Serena Williams 9. Dinara Safina 10. Melbourne

Lewis loses his pussy

A grape time CRISTIANO Ronaldo had a vine old time as he posed with a big bunch of grapes - in a spectacularly naff publicity photograph. The Real Madrid superstar donned classic black tie and a cheesy grin to celebrate the start of 2010 in Spain. And he adopted one of the Spaniards’ New Year customs by scoffing a grape in between the chimes of midnight on New Year’s Eve. The Portuguese winger, 24, who found Premier League glory with champions Man Utd, went on to toast the start of the new decade with a glass of fizz. But it still didn’t stop his cool reputation taking a dive.

2 – HEARTBALM, JANUARY 14-20, 2010

FORMER Formula One world champion Lewis Hamilton has split up with Nicole Scherzinger of US girl band Pussycat Dolls after two years together. The 25-year-old Hamilton and Scherzinger, 31, said they want to concentrate on their careers. Nicole Scherzinger and Lewis Hamilton can confirm that they have decided to go their separate ways. The two of them have decided to focus fully on their careers and will remain close friends,” they said in a joint statement. Since starting to date in late 2007, the pair were often seen together as she accompanied him to Grand Prix events around the world, climaxing in his 2008 world championship win. He was the youngest ever winner of the title. There had been talk of a possible split in recent months amid reports that Hamilton was not keen to settle down.

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Aussie Open babe watch

GET excited guys because its that time of the year again. Yes, with the Australian Open kicking off o n M o n d a y, i t m e a n s t h a t a

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number of tennis beauties will be gracing our courts. Here are a few of our favourites.

HEARTBALM, JANUARY 14-20, 2010 –

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4 – HEARTBALM, DECEMBER 17-13, 2009

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Best Of Milfs & Young Guys Studio: Diabolic Video Category: Fetish Genre: Mature, MILF, Older Woman, Straight Stars: Diana Doll Phyllisha Anne, Amber Lynn, Jaylyn Rose, Brenda James, Anjanette Astoria, Patsy May, Sascha Run Time: 1hrs 56minutes Number Of Discs: 1 Bonus Features: Interactive Menus, Chapter Slide Show, Cumshot Recap, Website Info A PRIVATE Production, ‘Best Of Milfs & Young Guys is a film all about older women chasing younger guys. That’s right, ripe aged cougars preying on young, innocent and somewhat naive men. When I’m talking about older ladies I’m not just talking about girls in their 40’s, I’m actually talking about ladies in their 50’s and perhaps even 60’s. These girls have been around if you know what I mean and I guess it’s fair to say that they have seen quite a few dicks in their day. These ladies know their way around a cock, performing just the right moves to send their young prey right off in pure delight. Every young man growing up fantasizes about doing it with an older lady; just thinking

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about all that extra experience often drives young men crazy. The action is extreme hardcore with a few great anal scenes thrown in for good measure. Yes these ladies love taking it hard up the arse. If you are after some great bonus features then I’m afraid to say that you should look elsewhere as the only bonus features included are some photo galleries. Despite the lack of bonus features. ‘Best Of Milfs & Young Guys does the job if you are looking for some cunning Cougars on the prowl. VERDICT:

Touche Vibrating Ice Massager

EVER felt so damn hot you needed to cool down? Then you’ll love this, the world’s first vibrating ice massager. Seduce your partner with this diamond of ice, forcing them to melt into lust. The Touché Ice Massager is an innovative new concept. It’s refreshing effect will turn your world upside down, but won’t cool down your sex life. The user friendly grip is made from silicone, makes it easy to use in jus about every position. The vibrating bullet is replaceable meaning it will bring you passion for years to come. You can enjoy the Touché Ice Massager both ways. Firstly there is its thrilling, icy touch

and secondly it’s unique silicone sensation that you would have never experienced before. I found the experience between hot and cold to be a fantastic, so I recommend that you go out and grab yourself a Vibrating Ice Massager. Don’t forget that it’s always great to try new toys on a regular basis but don’t ever force your partner into something you want them to do. Always practice safe sex. VERDICT:

Tarra Sex Tape! Studio: Marc Dorcel Category: Gonzo Genre: Straight, Foreign Stars: Natali Di Angelo, Tarra White, Cindy Dollar Cythia Vellons, Lena Cove, George Uhi, Steve Q, Kamil Klein, Marcel Lee Run Time: 1hrs 47minutes Number Of Discs: 1 Bonus Features: Interactive Menus, Chapter Website Information THIS interesting film, directed by Louis Moire, is all about the sexual escapades that unfold when Tarra White and Natalli D’Angelo push record on their video camera. After a long night, Natalli and Tarra wake up in a port without knowing where they are. What’s happened? Fortunately, they always have their camera with them so they can watch the last 24 hours of their crazy lives. Follow the lives of these two perverted women who are obsessed by one thing: having sexualfun! In a club, in the toilets of a bar, at every private party, between the two of them or with other people: any way is good to get laid without forgetting any orifice! The movie unfolds on a high note with four-way action that

leaves Tarra and friend perfectly stuffed. The wild action of their handheld camcorder gives the experience a real voyeuristic feel. Although hot, the shaky camerawork will also undoubtedly make you feel dizzy, dazed and confused before the jizz is dished out. The next set-up, a six way orgy, is visually handled much better. The result of stacking up four horny blondes is incredibly hot. The night vision fuck-a-thon is also quite naughty, although some pills to repel motion sickness will be as useful as a bottle of lube and a roll of paper towels. VERDICT:

HEARTBALM, JANUARY 14-20, 2010 –

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6 – HEARTBALM, JULY DECEMBER 17-13, 2009

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H e a r t b a l m

L OV E

L E T T E R S ♥

L OV E

was going to give the old girl the flick and ask the new girl to be my girlfriend. However to my absolute horror I saw that not only were both girls in the same room that night, but they were together in conversation with each other. And I can give you a guess about what they were talking about. It was such a disaster and now neither of the girls will talk to me as they both think I was cheating on them.

Stuck in a tight spot

Heartbalm writes: You poor thing, you really are in a tight spot. As for what you should do, we suggest that you follow your heart. If you have a close relationship with your room mate then perhaps you should tell her the truth.

Brothers learning to share Mr RA is 22 and is worried that he and his brother are chasing the same girl. He writes: There is this young hottie who is the daughter of some good family friends of our parents. For the last couple of years she has come to our house a lot and our families have gone on family holidays together. I get along really well with her and I think

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Heartbalm writes: While we feel sorry for you we can see why these girls are pissed off. We urge you to select one girl, which you sound like you have done and tell her everything you have just told us in the hope she will get back with you.

What was her name?

I really have strong feelings for her, so much so that I think I may love her. Things were going great until the other day when I found some very sexually suggestive text messages from her in my brothers phone. Could this girl be interested in both my brother and I? How do I handle this strange situation? Heartbalm writes: There is nothing like a bit of good old sibling rivalry. I don’t suggest you fight your brother, but what I do suggest is that you talk to him and the girl and work out the situation.

H e a r t b a l m

Double trouble Mr BM is 25 and got greedy and ended up with nothing. He writes: For the last few months I have been shagging this girl. While I suspected that she may have been interested in something more serious she seemed happy just seeing one another. However about three weeks ago I met another girl and I really like her. The time I spent with the new girl was amazing, but throughout it I was still shagging the old girl. One night I was out and decided that I

L OV E

Mr DS is 21 and is doing well with the ladies but poorly with the names. He writes: I am doing really well with the girls at the moment. I am doing well chatting them up and often this leads to me going back to their house for a bit of fun. However I have one problem that is turning out to be a major dilemma, I can never remember their names. There is nothing worse than when you are just about to shag and they say what’s my name? I can never remember, leaving them to crack the shits and putting an end to the fun.

L E T T E R S ♥

Ms DA is 28 and was out last week and saw something that continues to play on her mind. She writes: Last weekend I went out and saw something awful. I saw my room mate’s boyfriend pashing some random girl. At first I wasn’t sure if it was him and I gave him the benefit of the doubt, however later on in the night he came up to me and shared a drink with me. I am really confused and stuck in a difficult situation now because I know if I tell my room mate she would be upset. What should I do? I really want to tell my room mate what her boyfriend is doing behind her back but at the same time, I don’t want to get too involved in their relationship.

L OV E

H e a r t b a l m

Heartbalm Writes: Are you sure you don’t work for KFC’s advertising department because at this very moment, I have a massive craving for a Snack Box. As for your question, yes mate; you do have a problem if you put Snack Box’s before pussy.

H e a r t b a l m

Mr FF is 16 and loves snacking on boxes, not girl’s boxes, KFC Snack Box’s. He writes: I love the ladies but if I had to choose between a girl or a KFC Snack Box, I have to admit that I’ll chose the Snack Box every time. There is nothing in this world that beats popcorn chicken. It taste great, is easy and quick to eat and considering it’s price, it truly is a great bargain. The other day I was at KFC with some friends when a group of girls sat down next to us. They started chatting to us and one girl in particular was very keen. She kept on trying to capture my attention but all I was worried about was eating my snack box. She ended up leaving pissed off and my friends haven’t stopped hanging shit on me since. Do I have a problem?

L E T T E R S ♥

Snacking on a box

Heartbalm writes: We can understand women wanting you to remember their name before you give them a shagging. We suggest the second you find out the girl’s name maybe write it down so if you forget you have got it on you. This may result in a better sex life.

L E T T E R S ♥

HEARTBALM, JANUARY 14-20, 2010 –

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★ G A Z I N G AT T H E S TA R S , T I T S , G L I T Z , ★  A great idea YOU know how Sports Illustrated always has a few models getting naked wearing nothing but body paint? Well, this year, SI has teamed up with SoBe and Ashley Greene for something they’re calling “skinsuits,” which is a terrible name, and sounds like something out of Silence of the Lambs, but the important thing is that it’s Ashley Greene naked, wearing nothing but body paint.

A new direction LAST week Amanda Bynes posted some shots she did for Maxim on Twitter, and now the rest of the photos from the sexy Amanda Bynes shoot have been released. I don’t know what got into her, but I definitely like this new direction she’s taking. It’s certainly one way to try and revive a career.

★ Ricki slams Jen ★

AUSSIE singer Ricki-Lee Coulter weighed into the body image debate this week by posing for an untouched bikini magazine shoot and stating that she prefers “killer curves” to Jennifer Hawkins’ slender frame. The Australian Idol host, who is a size 14, said she was proud to show off her hourglass figure in the Woman’s Day spread. “I look in the mirror and I think my body is fit and sexy,” Coulter told the magazine. “I’m not ashamed of showing my curves

8 – HEARTBALM, JANUARY 14-20, 2010

to the world ... I’m the same size as the average woman in Australia.” Coulter said she could understand the backlash over Hawkins’ nude photo shoot for Marie Claire in which the former Miss Universe was portrayed as a role model for women with body image issues. “There’s a big divide between fashion models like Jennifer Hawkins and the average size 14 or 16 woman in Australia, and I understand how there’s a struggle to relate,” Coulter said.

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★ G A Z I N G AT T H E S TA R S , T I T S , G L I T Z , ★ Making us Wilde

Raising the Bar

THIS picture from GQ Italy feature a rather sexy, and rather topless Olivia Wilde, but she’s not quite topless enough. Because while she may not be wearing a shirt, it’s not like she’s giving us what we want, either. Sure, implied nudity can be sexy, but it’s also rather frustrating. Basically the biggest photographic tease there is.

NEED a reason to smile? Well here is one. Take a look at this Bar Refaeli lingerie picture. Now if that doesn’t put a smile on yourself then I just don’t know anything that will.

A star on the rise



IF you’re looking for the hot new face in the modelling world, that look no further than Rosie Huntington-Whitely. And while she isn’t really new to the modelling world, she is starting to break through into the mainstream, and that’s pretty much what makes your regular model a Supermodel.

I’d bite them HAS anyone been watching The Vampire Diaries? It’s actually not that bad. It’s not good, but it’s not terrible. The real reason to watch, as with any of those shows is the hotties in the cast, number one of whom is Nina Dobrev. She’s ridiculously hot, as you can see in this Nina Dobrev bikini picture, and I can only hope we get to see more of her. Here she is on the beach in Miami with another hottie from the show, Candice Accola.

Not topless come on IF YOU were hoping that one of Sienna Miller’s New Year’s Resolutions would be to get topless more often this year, it seems that may have not been the case. Or perhaps she’s already broken her resolution, but either way, this Sienna Miller bikini picture is not of her topless. Damn!

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★★★ What 

a girl...

This Candice Swanepoel bikini pictures is what I like to call heavenly. Now I don’t know much about this girl but I would sure love to find out and of course see more.

HEARTBALM, JANUARY 14-20, 2010 –

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YOU GOTTA BE JOKING!

What do soy beans and vibrators have in common?

They are both meat substitutes.

What is the difference between erotic sex and freaky sex? During erotic sex you use a feather, during freaky sex you use the whole damn chicken.

What do a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common? They can both smell it, but they can’t eat it.

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional. The first nun said, “Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.” He asked how. She said “I saw a man’s private part.” He told her to wash her eyes with holy water. The second nun comes in and says, “Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.” He asked how. “I touched a man’s private parts.” He told her to wash her hands in holy water. Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting. The fourth nun said, “I’m not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it.”

Famous sex quotes What do I know about sex? I’m a married man.” - Tom Clancy

“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesomethings that money can buy.” - Steve Martin “You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.” - Drew Carey “Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go its pretty damned good.” - Woody Allen “Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” - Unknown “If it weren’t for pickpockets I’d have no sex life at all.” - Rodney Dangerfield “Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.” - Dick Brandon “Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it” - Richard Feynman “All pop music is about sex. Rock is about wanting to do it, jazz is about doing it, and country and western is about feeling guilty after you’ve done it.” - Robert Waldo Brunelle, Jr. “Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.” - Woody Allen “I think there are two areas where new ideas are terribly dangerous: economics and sex. By and large, it’s all been tried, and if it’s really

10 – HEARTBALM, JANUARY 14-20, 2010

new, it’s probably illegal or dangerous or unhealthy.” - Felix G. Rohatyn “It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.” - Matt Barry “Love ain’t nothin’ but sex misspelled.” - Harlan Ellison “Love is a matter of chemistry. Sex is a matter of physics.” - Unknown “Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.” - Michael Sinz “Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.” - Woody Allen “Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.” - George Burns “Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.” - Henry Miller “There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the MercedesBenz 380SL convertible.” - P. J. O Rourke

Since singer Susan Boyle has been on TV, there’s been a marked drop in suicide bombings. Apparently, a lot of terrorists didn’t realize what a real virgin looked like.

writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note: Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of golden syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

Ole’s car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company’s lawyer was questioning Ole. “Didn’t you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine, ?” asked the lawyer. Ole responded, “Vell, I’ll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da.....”

“I didn’t ask for any details”, the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?” Ole said, “Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road... ..” The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.” “Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.” “Please tell him to simply answer the question.” By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie”. Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. “Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side.” “I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn’t vant to move.” “However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans. Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her’”. “After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right ‘tween da eyes.” “Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, ‘How are you feeling?’” “Now vat da hell vould YOU have said?”

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a christmas fancy dress party. He doesn’t know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he

Police hunt mystery bum sniffer

Kung fu monkeys turn tables on trainer

Police in Devon are hunting a man who repeatedly knelt behind a supermarket shelf stacker to smell his bottom. The man was caught on CCTV creeping up on the unsuspecting worker at least 20 times as he stacked shelves at a Co-op store in Plymouth. The footage shows him pretending to chose items from shelves before suddenly crouching down behind the employee. The offences only came to light when the employee became suspicious and informed his manager who checked the in-store security video. The victim - who cannot be named for legal reasons - said, “I had no idea what was going on.” “I thought it was all a bit strange. I was shocked and I couldn’t believe he was in the aisle for that long.” DC Steve White of Plymouth police, said, “We are treating this incident very seriously and we would appeal to the public’s help in tracking down this man.” “It is a bizarre incident and the shop was full of people.” “Someone must have seen the man and could well help us identify him.”

A Chinese man who trained monkeys martial arts to entertain shoppers was shocked when they turned the tables on him. Lo Wung’s taekwondo monkeys have become a regular feature outside a shopping centre in Enshi, Hubei province, where they were trained to show off their martial arts skills on each other. But one quick-thinking monkey saw his chance when Lo slipped - and caught him with a perfect flying kung fu kick to the head. The rest then joined in the affray. Hu Luang, 32, who caught the incident on camera, said, “I saw one punch him in the eye - he grabbed another by the ear and it responded by grabbing his nose.” “They were leaping and jumping all over the place - it was better than a Bruce Lee film.” At one point the monkey trainer grabbed a staff to hit the monkeys, only to find himself facing a stickbrandishing monkey that cracked him over the head. Lo only managed to get the monkeys under control by tangling them up in the rope that had been used to stop them running off.

Stabbed man orders coffee A US man walked into a restaurant with a five inch knife sticking in his chest and ordered a coffee. The 52-year-old told staff in the diner in Warren, Michigan, that he was waiting for an ambulance. Restaurant employee George Mirdita said, “It was like out of a movie. It kind of freaked us all out here.’ “The customers realised it and they were all turning their heads in disgust.” Mr Mirdita said he couldn’t believe how calm the man was, and that he never complained of being in any pain. “To come in with something stuck in your chest and order a cup of coffee, and sit down... he was mingling with the guy next to him,” he added. Police said the man called 911 saying he had been stabbed - and then walked a mile to the restaurant. He told officers he was stabbed after he refused to hand over money to a mugger. The man was treated and police said he is expected to be fine. They are still looking for his attacker.

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Web at www.heartbalm.com.au 14 – HEARTBALM, JANUARY 14-20, 2010

www.heartbalm.com.au


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Some pre-loved stock available

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PCA 194BE

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Open for Inspection 10 am-4 am 7 Days

12 DANDENONG STREET DANDENONG HEARTBALM, JANUARY 14-20, 2010 –

15


Horny ORIENTAL Girls ANGELS 15 George St Blackburn Get into the action with me

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1902 213 207 $4.95 min (inc GST) Higher from Pay/Mob

Young Beautiful Girls Everyday NEW GIRLS AVAILABLE Special from

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10am – Late

Tel:

9877 3123 Mel 48 A9 PCA 6374B


Heartbalm 14-20 January 2010