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Editor’s Note

by Duffy Perkins

The Ever Optimist’s Guide to Having the Boat on the Hard


ell, the summer is almost over, and your boat is still on blocks getting some necessary work done. You’re getting billed by the yard for it regularly, and they keep offering you a faint hope that you could be on the water over Labor Day. Or, they could just think you’re a total patsy. Regardless, here’s how to cope. Think how much you’re saving on gas. Not running your engine all those hours means your wallet is just stuffed full of cash you can instead spend on your lawn. And those garden gnomes are not cheap. Sobriety is addictive! Now that the feeling of cracking open a beer on the deck of your boat is a faint memory, you have no interest in imbibing. Luckily the memory, the fantasy of the taste of a cold one hitting your lips as you scan the horizon under a hot sun is plenty! No melanoma here. People see you on the street and say you’re positively glowing. Of course, it’s not because you’re happy or in love; it’s because you’re pasty as all hell. But that’s what a “healthy tan” looks like, haters. You’re not ready for bathing suit season, anyway. It’s just the truth. Maybe next year. Keep doing those crunches. They suck, but so does your gut. Fish from the grocery store tastes just as delicious. Right? It’s almost better. Chewier. 10 September 2015

It has a gummy texture, with a slight flavor of Freon and latex. You can’t get that with fresh fish. Golf is captivating. You know, walking around in that fake nature, looking for your ball,

cleaned the black gunk out from under the fridge? Who raked the driveway? It’s great seeing so much of your in-laws. Their criticisms of you are so helpful, and it’s great that they feel so comfortable offering them so often. The ##Photo by Laura Carty self-exploration sessions that they bring are just priceless. It’s like spending the entire weekend with Freud, if Freud smoked Parliaments and thought you were a total failure. Now that you think about it, you might suffer from sea sickness. It’s totally possible. I mean, just thinking about being out on your boat right now makes you sick to your stomach. That could be seasickness by proxy. Your whole family is looking forward to winter. Happily, in winter you won’t be able to stand on the shore, gazing out at other boaters having so much fun with their families, swimming, tubing, fishing, enjoying their summer on the water while you sing Richard Marx hits into the wind hanging out with the guy from work and wipe tears from your eye. For who seemed like such a tool before you, the winter represents an end to a your boat was incapacitated. Golf is long, inevitable journey that you and even better when you watch it on TV your boat had to make together. For on Sunday afternoons. It’s like watchyour family, the winter represents the ing people nap when it’s a gorgeous time you will be less creepy to all the day outside. neighbors. You never knew you had so many The Summer of 2016 is going to chores. be awesome. When the boat was in the water, who dropped off the dry cleaning? Who

PropTalk Magazine September 2015  

Chesapeake Bay Boating