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R ECTUM

MONDAY, MAR. 31, 2014

SECTION B

The

THE SPECTRUM’S ANNUAL APRIL FOOL’S DAY SATIRICAL SUPPLEMENT

Concordia Students Give to Charity, MSUM Students Grateful ‘Cobber Crusaders’ put aside beanie-stealing past, help Kohl’s-wearing Dragons STORY BY BENJAMIN NORMAN (FRESHMAN) & PHOTOS BY MATAYA ARMSTRONG

“I

literally just can’t even,” said Pippa Cadwell, a junior studying philosophical philanthropy at Concordia College. “It was an experience of a lifetime. This crusade really opened my blue eyes.” Last Wednesday, a handful of Concordia Cobbers rode their Schwinn bikes five blocks northeast to MSUM’s campus, where, out of the goodness of their Puritan hearts, they helped Dragons in need. The less-than-a-half-mile journey took over five minutes to complete. “Not going to lie — I was exhausted by the time we got there,” said Willard Willington III, a sophomore studying Swiss sociology at Concordia. “If it was up to me, we would have taken the jet — but (biking five minutes) just added to the experience.” Once on MSUM campus, the Cobbers had to rehydrate and regroup, for they were on foreign grounds — territory that has seen bloodshed between the two in years past. “I’ll admit that I used to not care for these barbarians,” Cadwell said. “These monstrosities steal our hand-embroidered beanies annually every autumn!” Cadwell knows, however, that Dragons cannot help it. They, in fact, need help. “It just hit me so hard after I took off my helmet, elbow pads and knee brace,” Willington III said. “Our fellow, public-collegeattending brethren needed our assistance, desperately.” “I don’t know if you’ve ever been to something as rancid as a three-star hotel,” Cadwell said, “but that’s how I’d relate MSUM to my companions. The situation there is dire. I saw how they were eyeing up my Schwinn. I don’t

Students from Concordia College traveled to Minnesota State University Moorhead’s campus on Wednesday to help Dragons in need.

think they’ve ever seen a bike before!” Work the Cobbers completed included feeding the hungry loaves of bread, quenching the Dragons’ parched mouths with Fiji Water and clothing the scantily-dressed students with Abercrombie & Fitch. The crusaders labored for fourstraight hours, excluding the thirty-minute tea time taken at 1 p.m. It was back-breaking work that was not helped the slightest by the language divide between the two peoples. “They speak this broken-English jive,” Cadwell said. “I even overheard one Dragon, bless her soul, use ‘good’ instead of ‘well’ in a sentence. She wasn’t even being satirically snarky —public schools are failing this country.”

Warning:

This failure of the U.S. education system, Maggie Thomson, is a junior studying social work. Although she refused to speak on the record (most likely because she struggles to speak Standard English in general), she told the Concordians through a translator that she, surprisingly, was not homeless. She went on to claim that she prefers Kohl’s over Abercrombie and works full-time at Eventide Retirement. “Bless her soul. She reminded me a lot of Mother Teresa,” Willington III said, “So selfless, altruistic, gallant, magnanimous and proud of her culture.” Dragon culture was another dynamic that the Cobbers needed to adjust to as they spread the good news of high-class society. “One of the things I will re-

member most from this trip,” Cadwell said, “is that many of the men spent their leisure time outside, tossing around this plastic disc thing that could not have been more than $5. It sure was not croquet!” “I can’t believe they’ve never seen a Frisbee before,” said Danny Aldson, an MSUM freshman studying biology. Before they knew it, the Cobbers looked at their Rolexes and saw that their time at MSUM was nearly complete. Although the four hours dragged on seemingly forever, the crusaders would be lying if they said they did not get a little emotional when it was time to bike back to their private haven. “I felt so many feelings,” Willington III said, back in the comforts of his dormitory’s penthouse.

“I was sad because they are still so poor, and I was happy because I was finally leaving, and I was tired because I gave out so many Abercrombie sweatshirts.” “I think,” Cadwell said, “that after I die, Jesus will look back on this day and say, ‘Dang, Pippa Cadwell, I couldn’t have done any better. Here’s eternal paradise; have an organic Pumpkin Spice Latte while you’re here for the rest of forever.’” Dragons were unanimously pleased with the Cobber’s pilgrimage as well. “I hope they come back,” said Johnny Kyles, an MSUM freshman studying criminal justice. “I faked a limp when they arrived so I could get some more Abercrombie.”

This supplement to the March 31 edition of The Spectrum is meant for entertainment purposes only. These articles are not based on factual events, but were strictly created as sattire and parody. For mature audiences.


2B

News

MONDAY, MAR. 31, 2014

NDSUSPECTRUM.COM

The RECTUM

WARNING: This supplement to the March 31 edition of The Spectrum is meant for entertainment purposes only. These articles are not based on factual events, but were strictly created as sattire and parody. For mature audiences.

UND Student Newspaper Editor Arrested, Named Next Rectum Editor in Chief

New leader brings experience and irony to campus newspaper Josh Francis

California Advocate

The Rectum named Carrie Sandstrom as its new editor in chief for the 2014-2015 school year. NDSU’s Board of Student Publications selected the former UND student newspaper editor in chief to lead The Rectum, after an hours-long interview process Wednesday. Sandstrom was arrested on suspicion of obstructing police, refusing to halt for police and a minor consuming alcohol, the Grand Forks Herald reported. She was booked in the Grand Forks County Jail on Jan. 25. She resigned from her position on The Dakota Student after her arrest. Several telegrams sent to the new Dakota Student editor, Will Beaton, were not returned. Sandstrom’s final tweet, posted on Feb. 3 read: “And thus ended a magnificent adventure.” But she is about to start a new magnificent adventure at NDSU. Board members said Sandstrom’s love for consuming alcohol and resisting police will help her in her new role since Fargo was recently named the drunkest city in

America by Bustle.com. Many say NDSU students played a big role in attaining that accomplishment. “We are always looking for someone who can maintain the tradition of our school and our community,” outgoing Rectum editor Emma Heaton said. Rectum staffers were elated when they learned of the hire of their new editor. Sandstrom is highly regarded and was even named a Students Against Destructive Decisions’ (SADD) national student of the year. She also wrote a well written op-ed in the Grand Forks Herald about making good decisions days before her arrest. “I think the fact she got arrested was pretty awesome. She really stood up to the police and showed her fellow students a fine example of what to do when the police try to stop you; that’s the no-nonsense type of leader we need,” said Rectum opinion editor Caleb Werness. “It will be cool to hear some of her jail stories, too. No one on The Rectum’s current editorial board has ever been in jail so she will be able to tell some awesome stories and maybe show off some prison tats,” Werness added. At press time, criminal background checks on The Rectum’s editorial board were incomplete. While Sandstrom’s arrest was an issue for a few of the BOSP members, the fact that her father, Dale Sandstrom, is a North Dakota Supreme Court Justice and her mother, Gail Hagerty, is a district court

PHOTO COURTESY OF | GRAND FORKS COUNTY

judge, alleviated concerns that Sandstrom would violate the law again. Sandstrom was sentenced to one-year worth of probation by judge Lawrence Jahnke, according to court records. Her par-

ents also sentenced her to: No cell phone, laptop, car or other fun things and indefinite bedroom confinement. She also lost Twitter privileges and hasn’t tweeted since February.

CANADA INVADES MINNESOTA A day of infamy, eh? Caleb Werness

Benevolent Scribe of Odin

On March 30, slapshots were fired outside of the capitol building in St. Paul, Minn. Canadian Mounties overwhelmed Minnesota’s National Guard around 10 a.m. Sunday morning. Canadian Prime Minister, Stephen Harper informed the public that Canadian forces would have liked to storm the capitol before dawn, but later decided that wouldn’t be polite. Minnesota’s opposing forces passiveaggressively laid down arms shortly after the invasion. The Minnesota state gov-

ernment, led by Governor Mark Dayton, agreed to meet with the Canadian Prime Minister to discuss terms of the take over. The meeting was set to be held on neutral ground — the Xcel Energy Center — at 1 p.m. that same day. However, the meeting was delayed 30 minutes as Governor Dayton was tied up holding the door open for everyone. Prime Minister Harper began his speech with a series of apologies for invading. Governor Dayton immediately interrupted with a counter apology. “If I had known we’d be having visitors, I would have had the capitol cleaned,” Dayton said. Prime Minister Harper emphasized his vision for Minnesota as a newly indicted

Canadian province. “Oh, don’t you worry folks,” Harper said. “The Great Maple wishes only the best for you. We felt you held many of our values and want to extend our hockey stick in an act of brotherhood. Sounds like a pretty good deal, eh?” The Minnesota State government agreed to the terms earlier this morning. Political reformation will begin in the upcoming months with gradual changes being implemented. The Province of Minneada, as it will now be known as, will be allowed a mounted police, the “Loonies.” Prime Minister Harper enacted “SorryFor-The-Whole-Invasion-Thing Day” as a Canadian holiday that will take place every

March 30 in honor of the take over. Minnesotans begrudgingly agree, but choose not to speak their minds and offer lutefisk dosed in maple syrup to commemorate the union. The Minneada flag, embroidered with a loon and a syrup bottle, will fly attached to a hockey stick atop the capitol building in St. Paul this afternoon. The Prime Minister and his forces were set to depart this morning. Governor Dayton and Prime Minister Harper exchanged goodbyes for 15 minutes, as neither wanted to give the last goodbye. “Now don’t go thinking we put you guys in the penalty box. No sir! We wish to join our land to make a better world. Keep your minds and skates sharp Minneadians,” Harper said.

Rectal Bits: Where’s your chapstick? HILLARY HAUGEBERG JUNIOR COMMUNICATIONS ‘POCKET’

KATIE ANDERSON JUNIOR SOCIAL WORK ‘PURSE’

BILLY OGDAHL SENIOR AG. ECON ‘ARE YOU SURE THAT’S CHAPSTICK IN MY POCKET?’

CAITLYN KREUGER JUNIOR ELEMENTARY ED. ‘I DON’T KNOW BUT MY LIP GLOSS BE POPPIN’!’

RECENT NEWS-- HISTORICAL PERSPECTIVE: ASKANASE COULDN’T PRONOUCE HIS


3B

Features

MONDAY, MAR. 31, 2014

NDSUSPECTRUM.COM

The RECTUM

WARNING: This supplement to the March 31 edition of The Spectrum is meant for entertainment purposes only. These articles are not based on factual events, but were strictly created as sattire and parody. For mature audiences.

MATAYA ARMSTRONG | THE SPECTRUM

President Dean Bresciani is definitely not the man you thought he was

A Day in the Life of Secret Cowboy President Dean Bresciani Connor Dunn

Features Editor: Option No. 3

Even though he may be one of the most influential people in North Dakota, President Dean Bresciani still puts his pants on just like the rest of us, and by pants, we are obviously referring to his shotgun chaps and leather chinks. “I like to get up early and make sure I’ve got everything in place, pick out the right green clip tie to wear, get my nice blue overalls on and oh, I almost forgot about the leather chaps. I love a good pair of leather chaps,” Bresciani said. Bresciani is out the door of his house around 7:30 a.m., and after the daily stop at Taco Bell for his favorite breakfast burrito, NDSU’s president arrives at his office

ready to start the day. “I usually come in, say howdy to everyone, throw up those Bison horns and lead the office in a rousing verse of ‘Hail the Bison,’ you know those boss kind of things,” Bresciani said. Bresciani has been told not to bring his lasso in the office due to an unfortunate accident awhile back with his secretary. The incident resulted in a trip to the emergency room with severe burns. “I was trying to get my coffee from across the room, and well let’s just say it didn’t go to well,” Bresciani said, who sometimes still cannot resist the urge lasso his office door open. “But what do I actually do in a typical day you ask? Ha! That’s a good one. People think I’m hard at work running this campus, meeting with professors and students, kiss-

ing babies, that kind of presidential stuff, but have you ever seen me during the day?” To most students on NDSU’s campus, the answer to that is no, and there is only one reason behind that. “I’m Dean Bresciani: the rootinest, tootinest president cowboy since my man Teddy Roosevelt!” For those very few days when Bresciani has to give speeches to faculty, staff, students or donors, he will don his usual business attire. Most other days, Bresciani cannot wait for the time in the day when the North Dakota State Board of Higher Education lets him whistle for his trusty steed Thundar and ride off to his secret 200-acre ranch filled with bison. There, Bresciani is busy fixing fences, castrating goats and conditioning his bison for the highly anticipated annual football

game against South Dakota State President David Chicoine’s jackrabbits. “Those little buggers are so dang fast, but they’ve got nothing on the sheer strength and size of my herd,” Bresciani said. Bresciani said he never brings any food to the ranch, because he likes surviving off the fat of the land, but he enjoys his evening ride on Thundar to the local watering hole. Bresciani rides back to Fargo and spends his evening, like most of his nights now, alone on top of the Fargodome, as he strums melancholy tunes on his five-string guitar missing his former cowboy ballad-buddy Craig Bohl, who recently left to coach some actual Cowboys at the University of Wyoming. “I love my job and NDSU, but let’s be real here, there’s nothing like my home on the range!” Bresciani said.

Report: People Actually Go to Residence Hall Activities Findings literally blow people’s psyches Benjamin Norman

I hope Troy forgives me for this #LOL

In a new, earth-shattering report released March 27, researchers from Cambridge University have found that living people willingly attend residence hall activities for fun, contradicting decades of past theory. “It is a startling find,” said Dr. Elizabeth Wattson, a sociologist professor at Yale who specializes in communal patterns of young adults. “At first I thought this report was a joke. But it’s real — it is too real.” The study sent six undercover “freshmen” directly to a res-hall celebration. Once cleared of security (i.e., waiting for a passing student to let them into the locked dorm) and inside the non-cover-charged event, the covert informants observed and recorded the happenings. “I remember the evening well,” said ex-agent Ashton Powders*, the only mole out of the six that granted The Rectum an exclusive interview. “It was my last assignment I had before… my psychological meltdown.” A Rectum follow-up showed that since the report, three moles are deceased, and one is reported missing, last seen hyperventilating by a fire truck station near Casper, Wyo. The mission has undoubtedly caused the demise of each informant. The report itself is riveting: the “freshmen” found at least five students at the “Licorice, Anchovy & Movies Extravaganza” (LAME), which took place on a Friday night from 7:15-11:45 p.m. Although only three made it to the conclusion of the latenight showing of the rom-com “From Justin to Kelly,��� that was still three more people than the informants expected to attend. (Of note: the two students that left

LAME early both came exclusively for the anchovies and left when the cans of packaged fish were emptied.) When confronted with the report’s findings, Reed Hall Resident Assistant Troy Ullmann was “flabbergasted.” “’From Justin to Kelly,’ IMHO (Ullmann spelled out the acronym ‘in my humble opinion’), is a classic rom-com that will stand the test of time, unlike Justin Guarini” said Ullmann, a sophomore studying computer science and liker of pages on Facebook including: Crazy Cat videos 2.0, Felinez Gone Wild and Reed Hall 2014-15. “And who doesn’t want to see how licorice and anchovies matches up?” Ullmann asked. “It’s just unique and fun. And if it was lame, we would still have anchovies left over, but the can is gone.” One student who attended LAME that undercover agents spoke to, agreed with Ullmann. “I have no friends,” said Freddy Freshman*. “It was either this or watching my roommate and his girlfriend play naked Twister. It was a toss-up, but I chose the more fun one.” Ex-agent Powders disagrees with Ullmann and Freshman’s thought process. “I studied quantum physics before I got tangled up in undercover missions,” Powders said in his gravelly voice, looking pensively outside his asylum’s bay window to a gray and rainy morning. “You know Schrodinger’s cat? I understand that. I basically wrote the goddamn Wikipedia page on that cat.” “But what I can’t even begin to fathom,” Powders continued, “Is that able-bodied young adults would watch abhorring movies while eating oily fish and black licorice on a Friday night.” The Rectum’s interview with Powders went sour after that comment, as the jurydeclared-clinically-insane man slipped out of mental lucidness and into a slobbering

bond with us

Resident halls

we want

to be your best fri e nd TUES

ll a ’ y ey ou to h y e y Hey hime for lved!!! MISSIN DA ’ it’s tet invo BR TOGETHERHSOKME? YS YP IN mondays g AND JOGINYOUR COMPUTE E TIME! union 4:30PM AS WE AL R come finger paint L SKYPE O and make the bestest WED. UR PAREN DO YO of friends. TS! U PERFE LIKE BEIN come CT FOR hu G LAZY? couc h sit mp dayyy ALL DAY LONG wi SOUTH WEIBLE, PAVEK AND STOCKBRIDGE th us ! we can’t condone the consumption of alcohol, but just aren’t an early week kind of person? we do condone we don’t see the point to them either. e fir the consumption p but we want you to join us for our cam !!! of chocolate ! cat appreciation day !!! s re !!!! M campus wide ’s mo nding 6:00P hide and seek! shepperd 2:20PM bo tside April 11th ! ou the counter

SUDRO HALL 7:30PM

fridays

Thursdays

starts at 2:o0pm

WHITNEY STRAMER | THE SPECTRUM

ball of incomprehensivness and shrieking laughter. “Licorice and anchovies! Licorice and anchovies? They were unwittingly calling themselves LAME! What a concept! Justin to Kelly! Kelly to Justin! Those kids

ate a whole can of anchovies and left! Why didn’t I leave? Fun! Fun?” screamed Powders as nurses restrained and sedated him back into a coma. *These sources had their names changed in wish to remain anonymous.

RECENT NEWS-- HISTORIAL PERSPECTIVE: ASKANASE COULDN’T PRONOUCE HIS NAME-- VODKA-FLAVORED VOMIT TIES DORM TOLIETS,WALL AND TILE TOGETHER


4B MONDAY, MAR. 31, 2014

Arts & Entertainment

NDSUSPECTRUM.COM

The RECTUM

WARNING: This supplement to the March 31 edition of The Spectrum is meant for entertainment purposes only. These articles are not based on factual events, but were strictly created as sattire and parody. For mature audiences.

Just a perfectly normal dude walking down the street.

Normal Man Stalked by Internet

Images of a completely trivial human being storm through social media Steven Strom

Currently gaming

Images of a perfectly normal, unassuming human being have begun to sweep the world of social media by storm. Earlier this year, photographs began pouring in on Tumblr, Twitter and Facebook of a completely average, totally unsuspi-

cious husband and family of two. The man — who can almost always be seen wearing a blue suit and doing such uninteresting things as walking down the street, picking up his kids from school and going to restaurants — has been the victim of widespread Internet stalking and public unrest. The photos started by making the rounds on popular video game Tumblr pages, though nobody seems to know why. “I don’t understand, why did you reblog a picture of a normal dude hanging out on the street?» posted one user on the original photo. Another followed up to say «Looks like he could be someone’s dad. I don’t get it. Is this a dad joke??» The man has been spotted in talks with President of Sony’s Worldwide Studios for

Sony Computer Entertainment Inc., Shuhei Yoshida. This implies that he may be an employee of SCE of some kind, but why that would cause the Internet to enter such uproar is unclear. The Rectum attempted to reach out to the unknown man for comment and possible theories on why he might be such a popular figure right now. Unfortunately, because he has no defining or unusual characteristics whatsoever, we have been unable to locate the suited individual and have been forced to follow his «exploits» through social media whenever he crops up. We were, however, reached out to personally by a marine biologist by the name of Dr. Arthur X. Reynolds. Reynolds is the president of the Secret Marine Wildlife In-

PHOTO COURTESY OF | JEFFKNKGAMING

vestigation Division at the Thunderhead Institute in San Francisco. «You can’t be completely serious,» Reynolds said. «I mean, come on! Just look at him. One look should make it completely obvious, right? I just don’t understand how anyone could possibly think there’s anything strange about this person at all. I have a lot of experience in this field, and I can tell you there is nothing suspicious about this man at all.» The good doctor then urged us to tell our readers to «stop harassing the man» and «let him be a loving father and caring husband» in peace. From now on, that is exactly what The Rectum will be doing, and we urge all of our readers to take this suggestion to heart.

President Bresciani Stars in All-New Reboot of ‘The Hunger Games’ Despite random selection, Bresciani’s performance is said to be ‘uncanny’ Steven Strom ...Still gaming

NDSU President Dean. L. Bresciani will be starring in an upcoming reboot of “The Hunger Games” this fall. Bresciani was, of course, selected for the role in the new remake at random, via the annual lottery that encompasses every citizen in the entire United States. However, because of his high standing in the North Dakota community, he will have a greater say in the production of the film moving forward, including input on the script and other casting. This will be the third film in the “Hunger Games” franchise, following the recently released “Catching Fire.” A fourth film, which rounds out the current trilogy, is also scheduled for released after Bresciani’s reboot. When asked why the studio decided to reboot the franchise before actually finishing it, one anonymous Hollywood executive said, “We have to get these things

done early.” Bresciani will star as Katniss Everdeen, a young woman who is selected to participate in a deadly game between teenagers, which is a shameless ripoff of “Battle Royale.” In the story, these young people are forced to violently kill each other for the amusement of society’s overindulgent overlords and to distract the poor masses from their dire situations. If the concept sounds familiar, that’s because it should. “The Hunger Games” is, of course, a fictionalized version of the reallife events at collegiate sports events hosted by schools like NDSU every season. Of course, some changes have been made for the Hollywood interpretation. For instance, in the film series characters are actually paid by the grotesquely rich for their involvement in the brutal game, rather than the other way around. For the role, Bresciani will be wearing his hair naturally long to better represent the character, removing his “Business Wig” for the first time in 25 years. “This will lend an atmosphere of truth to the character,” Bresciani said. “Obviously, nobody would believe me as a teenage girl, exploring the concepts of love and death for the first time if I wore my signature coiffure.” The film is set to release sometime this

WHITNEY STRAMER | THE SPECTRUM

summer after only a six-week production. The studios are so confident in Bresciani’s convincing stand-in for Jennifer Lawrence, the 23-year-old superstar from the first two films, that there are even talks about replacing her performance in the next film with his via CGI. Bresciani, being a busy man, likely

wouldn’t have time to shoot all-new scenes for the fourth film. “We’re thinking about just taking his existing scenes and copy/pasting them into the next one,” director Hans Oap said. “Honestly, we don’t think anyone will notice the difference. It’s uncanny.”

NOW HIRING 2 0 1 5

Rectum writers for

issue Gain valuable experience in satirical writing If interested in applying, contact Carrie Sandstrom at editor@ndsurectum.com

NICELY.--FRESHMAN WITH NO MORALS PIMPS OUT HIS BODY FOR PLASMA.--


5B

Opinion

MONDAY, MAR. 31, 2014

NDSUSPECTRUM.COM

The RECTUM

WARNING: This supplement to the March 31 edition of The Spectrum is meant for entertainment purposes only. These articles are not based on factual events, but were strictly created as sattire and parody. For mature audiences.

Campus Police to Start ‘21 Jump Street’ Program Caleb Werness

Or Colton Pool, if you don’t like the story

In recent news, the city of Fargo, N.D. was dubbed the ostentatious title of “Drunkest City in America.” Marketing analysts have discovered from new research that the highest grossing alcohol sales in the city have been in Keystone Light, Pabst Blue Ribbon and Hamm’s. This leaves only one assumption to be made. These “cheap, poor man’s beers” are more than likely being purchased and circulated within the college community.

Director of University Police, Ray Boyer voiced his belief regarding the new data. “Well, obviously this is the work of college students. It’s practically brewed with their broke little tears,” Boyer said. “Campus Police is going to be responding accordingly to put an end to this inexcusable drunkenness.” The University Police and Security office informed The Rectum that they intended to response by putting together a “21 Jump Street” program. “21 Jump Street” was a show that aired from 1987 to 1991. The show featured young looking undercover cops who specialized in young crime.

The identity of the officers will remain anonymous to maintain their cover. I was able to interview one of the officers of the program via email. Officer **** ***** expressed his personal interest in “21 Jump Street” operation as he has been a fan of the show since watching the first show in high school. “It has been a process to fit the profile of the average college student,” ***** said. “But it is nothing that a little Rogaine and AXE body spray won’t take care of. We are also employing the latest tactics and technology to help snuff out this alcoholic epidemic.”

Letter to the Copy Editor

Edited for clarity by Erica Nitschke Jonathan Lee (Jonny Radio) That one guy nobody likes

To who it may consern, I wanted to talk about the editing procedures that occur frequently in your paper --and the reason you should hire a different set of editorials, -- cause of the amount of obstentatious and choppy sentences, bad language, and missing commas, in all of the pieces that get published, in the issues that

you publish. Lets start of with the use of punctuation. For those of you that didn’t go to English school, its called an Oxford comma. When there are three or more things in ceres commas need to be used to seperate each of the items in that ceres. The incompetencablilty that I see continually displayed in the paper -- makes me nausheas. Commas are consistantly missed and semi-colons are meant for the seperation of ideas. If I don’t see a change in the incessant and inoperable editing procedures, I might just apply for Editorial and Cheif and fire all the editorials for every section.

Next is the typos and misspelled words that occur in just about every story. I went back into the archives, and counted the number of mistakes in the headlines, cut-out-lines, articles, and advertisements since your first ever issue back in Eighteen Hundred and Ninty Six and in the six thousand, two hundered, and fourty two papers that I looked at, I found seven thousand seven hundered and seventy seven errors (give or take). Thats alot. I would be willing to bet that most of the stories that are sent in by writers are actually better quality then what gets published in the paper and there is no excuse for making writers sound worse than they

A “not-a-cop” twitter account has been asking around for the location of “rad parties.” The user also listed in their profile description that they “like to get crunk.” Director Boyer denied any correlation. I think this program will keep students on their toes. The University Police are employing state-of-the-art tactics to bust college parties. I personally will not be attending any parties in the future due to the potential of a 35-year-old officer hiding in plain sight. It will be interesting to see what effects this groundbreaking program will have on the NDSU party scene.

already do through your terrible editing because the writers should defiantly have the creative freedom to write how they want with any bias that may come from a section of news, features, opinion, or sports because I’ve talked with some of my friends (sic) and they have mentioned that the paper can sometimes be confusing to read because of all of the errors that are found within its pages, inserts, and advertisements. You’re people make me sick. That is exactly the point and extent of this letter. And I hoped I have made myself clear.

Right-Handless Student Will Never Eat at Dining Center Again Severinson Hall-living freshman severs hand, and it’s not a laughing matter, you jerk Ya boy, Benny B.

We ran out of room in features, sorry

Accident At the bat of an eye at 3:25 p.m. Daylight Central Time, Friday, March 14, 2014, Christopher Grobin’s life was forever altered. Grobin, a freshman studying nursing, nodded off while driving his 2004 Toyota Prius on Highway 10 near Detroit Lakes, which lead his smart car through the median and directly into the path of an oncoming semi-truck. Thankfully, Grobin avoided a head-on collision, as the semi merely clipped his car, but the 18-wheeler’s force was enough to send the tiny Toyota tumbling over and over. Grobin suffered lacerations and a concussion, but the worst of his injuries were found on his right hand, which was completely severed. The doctors quickly patched Grobin up, fitted him with a hook and released him the next day from Sanford Hospital. The struggles for Grobin, however, are far from over. “I’m just hungry” Since the accident over two weeks ago, Grobin, an eater of the seven-day meal plan

offered through NDSU’s dining centers, has lost 30 pounds, putting the six-foot 19-yearold now at a weight of 150 pounds. The reason for this dramatic weight loss, according to Grobin, is that the dining center staff members refuse to let him past the hand scanner. “I’m just doing my job here,” said Leta Holsinger, the cheery veteran dining center employee who runs the cash register at the West Dining Center. “If the kid can’t get his metal hook to read on the scanner, I can’t let him in. It’s that simple.” Grobin has fought this decision, claiming to be discrimination because of his disability by NDSU staff in general, but he is not finding a shoulder to cry on. “I’m not sure if you’ve ever heard of natural selection,” said assistant professor Ned A. Dochtermann, “But this kid should starve, according to Darwin. We can’t mess with nature.” “Maybe he should have thought about this before he lost his hand,” said Tami Louize-Grobin, Christopher Grobin’s mother. “I’m not trying to nag, but this will be a good learning experience for my little boy, until he wastes away from malnourishment. “I’m just hungry and poor,” Grobin said. “I used my guest passes earlier this semester, and I lack the financial substance to pay for non-dining center food.” Today Recently, Grobin has turned to his peers for assistance, but, yet again, he is struggling.

JOSEPH RAVITS | THE SPECTRUM

Edwin Buehler, a freshman studying Spanish, said he is empathetic of his Sevrinson Hall roommate, but there’s not much he can do legally. “I hear him moan and thrash around at night (because he hasn’t a full meal in weeks,)” Buehler said. “But I feel like I’m the victim here. Chris is begging me to sneak food out of the dining centers for him. “I’m sorry you are dying, but I’m not going down to Hell with you.” Perhaps the only reason Grobin has last-

ed this long since his accident is because of his saintly girlfriend, Rebecca White. “I’ll admit that I have given Chris a few bites of my fast food here and there to shut him up,” said White, a sophomore studying anthropology. “But a girl’s got to eat.” Asked what she is going to do if her boyfriend succumbs to malnourishment, White smiles and shows her Tinder account. “I’ve already got a few, fully fingered boys lined up,” White said. “We just have to wait until after the funeral.”

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NICELY.--FRESHMAN WITH NO MORALS PIMPS OUT HIS BODY FOR PLASMA.--

UND SENDS STUDENTS TO WINTER OLYMPICS, EIGHT TO DETOX.-----END-----


Sports

MONDAY, MAR. 31, 2014

6B NDSUSPECTRUM.COM

The RECTUM

WARNING: This supplement to the March 31 edition of The Spectrum is meant for entertainment purposes only. These articles are not based on factual events, but were strictly created as sattire and parody. For mature audiences.

Fargo, Nd

Laramie, Wy

MATAYA ARMSTRONG | THE SPECTRUM

BREAKING: Klieman Hires Bohl as Defensive Coordinator Sam Herder

SPORTS OOH RAH!

In a twisting turn of events, Wyoming head football coach Craig Bohl tweeted for the first time since Aug. 6, 2009 from his original Twitter account (@CraigBohl) that he has accepted the position of defensive coordinator on his successor at NDSU, Chris Klieman’s, staff. Bohl attributed the lack of a Buffalo Wild Wings in Laramie, Wyo., as the last straw in the hat of disappointments he came to realize in his move to the town. “Wings, beer, sports … more like Mayonnaise, Windsor and ring-less fingers in Lara-lame,” Bohl said in an exclusive interview. “I really miss B-Dubs, Chubs Pub, coaching competent athletes and having Gene Taylor give me knuckle noogies every time he sees me.”

In a relationship as short and confusing as Kim Kardashian’s love life, Bohl will replace Matt Entz as defensive coordinator, the guy that took Klieman’s position after Klieman was hired as head coach. Essentially, Bohl and Klieman switched coaching positions. “Bold strategy, isn’t it?” said a chuckling Klieman. “I don’t know … coach Bohl must have realized we’ll have more fans for our spring game than Wyoming’s home opener. Money be damned, I guess.” The decision for Klieman to replace Entz with Bohl wasn’t a difficult one. Entz, after an anonymous investigation that inside sources say was paid for by Bohl, was found to be under pay by Northern Iowa’s head coach Mark Farley to hand over NDSU’s playbook. Entz was a former coach under Farley’s staff. Farley, doing anything in his power to

beat the Bison for once, pleaded insanity in the ongoing court case. The controversy, Bison players say, won’t cause a disturbance in the locker room. And as far as Bohl being back on the team, the only awkward part players say is watching Bohl stare blankly into Brock Jensen’s old locker. Asked about a rumored tension in the coaching offices when Klieman declined to join Bohl in Wyoming, Klieman said, “The only yelling and swearing I can remember is when I told Craig there wasn’t a B-Dubs in Laramie after he signed the contract. I also told him the only suit store there is only open around prom season … man, I bet that’s the most mad Craig has been since Nick Mertens was his quarterback.” While Bohl will be taking a substantial pay cut, he says he’d rather win FCS national championships and be able to walk across

19th Ave. to eat B-Dubs at any time than play in the Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl or any other irrelevant bowl game with a mediocre FBS team. “The Craig Bohl Defensive Coordinator of the No. 1 Ranked Defense Football Show” is in the works, but a local station has yet to open up a timeslot for the Sunday show, citing Bohl’s awkward smile at the camera after talking draws away viewers. “Ultimately, I came back for my wings … and to win, too,” Bohl said. “I can’t wait to coach Brock … I mean Beck, Littlejohn and Dudzik again. First round of wings are on me, boys. And lastly, I am very excited to lead this team out the locker room and through the helmet onto the field again.” Said Klieman, “No, I plan on leading the team out. Better go talk to Craig. Go Bison.”

Legislative Bill Forces NDSU to Play UND For Rest of Eternity Joe Kerlin

I’m not high, I swear

In a monumental state legislative decision, the state of North Dakota has created a new bill promising a football game every season between North Dakota State University and its bitter faux-rival, the University of North Dakota. The deal breaker for the state legislature was UND’s decision to implement the nickname “Whioux” immediately and in exchange for NDSU wasting its time with a faux-in-state rivalry, one UND fraternity will transform into a “Bison Fan’s Haven” during the week of the game when the game

is to be played in Grand Fartks. “We have a football team?” UND’s Beta Beta Bro fraternity president Tom Foolery said in a statement released to the media, shortly after the court’s ruling. In a phone interview, Foolery said he was excited to finally watch a winner play in Grand Fartks and wonders how they are going to play football on the Whioux’s hockey rink. “Our hockey team is really good, you know?” added Foolery. UND President said they were willing to do anything and everything to rekindle the hatred towards NDSU. Then, he explained “Our hockey team is elite, or was….Oh well. Who really cares, its hockey.” Residents in Fargo could care less about

playing the Whioux every season, as the community begins to plan where they will be stashing the Nickel Trophy through the end of time. Things have a tendency of disappearing in President Dean Bresciani’s office, especially his inbox, so sources have speculated the trophy won’t reside there. Sources close to the situation also speculated the Nickel may be hidden away in the Bison trophy room because the Whioux don’t have one and will never think to look there. “Meh,” Fargo mayor Dennis Walaker said, “I don’t really care for sports. Wait, the Whioux is the one with the hockey team, right?” The news didn’t come as a surprise for the NDSU athletic department. After pre-

paring a press release for three days, NDSU decided against shedding UND’s bad light in Fargo and said nay to the whole press release thing. During an exclusive interview with notorious party animal and NDSU athletic director Gene Taylor, he said he wasn’t shocked when UND begged the Bison to play them every year. “It really came down to money,” noted Taylor. “Money this, money that. Money, money, money. Blah blah blah. That’s all I can say regarding the situation as of now.” Incarnate Word will be the lone casualty on the Bison football schedule this season. Their existence remains questionable.

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NDSU Rectum | April Fool's Edition 2014