An erotic novel
by former KC Star columnist
Avail. only as an ebook on the major sellers. incl. Amazon, iTunes etc.
“Rick” “Santorum” Dear Dan: I remember reading your deﬁnition of “santorum”—“the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex” — and thinking it was a cute way to make fun of a dickhead politician. But Rick Santorum is in the spotlight again. And so is that frothy mixture. And that’s fucking awesome. Jeff in Wisconsin Dear JIW: Don’t thank me. Thank Rick Santorum for making his bigotry crystal-clear in a 2003 interview with the Associated Press. Santorum equated conBY sensual gay sex with child rape and dog fucking. He said birth DAN control should be illegal, and S AVA G E argued that states should be able to arrest, prosecute and imprison people — gay and straight — for private, consensual sex acts. Thank the Savage Love reader who urged me to invite my readers to submit new deﬁnitions for Santorum’s last name. And thank the readers who selected the deﬁnition from a crowded ﬁeld of equally repulsive candidates. I counted the ballots and created a website (spreadingsantorum.com). But if it weren’t for my creative and hilarious readers, a distressing news cycle wouldn’t have been leavened by such unintentionally hilarious headlines as “Santorum Surges From Behind,” “Santorum Runs Hard” and “Romney Squeezes Out Santorum.” Dear Dan: Dan Savage is one sick, pathetic excuse for a human being. Truly a sad piece of sh*t. Especially trying to “insert himself” — pun intended — into the GOP presidential race. Savage Isn’t Completely Kind Dear SICK: We redeﬁned “santorum” back in 2003, long before Santorum was running for president. It would be more accurate to say the GOP presidential race has inserted itself into me. And I hope there isn’t any santorum on the GOP presidential race when it pulls out of me — that would be so embarrassing! Also embarrassing: Elise Foley’s gushing proﬁle of Elizabeth Santorum, Rick’s adult daughter, that appeared in Hufﬁngton Post before the Iowa caucuses. “It is tough [being] a young surrogate for a candidate/father clinging to an older worldview,” Foley writes. “Her father’s stance on same-sex marriage and gay rights, in particular, has caused some friction from non-supporters. ‘It’s a policy thing,’ [Elizabeth Santorum] said of gay marriage. … Opposed to same-sex marriage herself, Elizabeth said she has gay friends who support her father’s candidacy based on his economic and family platforms.” Yeah, it’s tough out there. Rick Santorum was nearly booed off a stage in New Hampshire after he insisted that legalizing gay marriage would 30
JANUARY 12-18, 2012
lead to the legalization of polygamous marriage. But, hey, Elizabeth Santorum isn’t a bigot. She has gay friends! And her gay friends support her dad! Who are these gay people who support Santorum despite his promises to write antigay bigotry into the U.S. Constitution, forcibly divorce all legally married same-sex couples in the United States, reinstate Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, and ban adoptions by same-sex couples? To Foley and the other political reporters out there: When someone like Elizabeth Santorum tells you that she has gay friends and her gay friends support her dad based on his “family platforms,” your immediate response should be a demand for the names and phone numbers of these gay friends. Verify their existence because you’re a journalist, not a stenographer. You’ll catch the homophobe in a lie or land a fascinating interview with a crazy-ass faggot. Dear Dan: A friend says your campaign to redeﬁne “santorum” ﬂies in the face of your anti-bullying “It Gets Better” campaign. Google Problems Dear GP: Taking the piss out of a middle-aged bigot who has repeatedly attacked a tiny minority is not the moral equivalent of beating the shit out of a vulnerable and isolated 13-year-old queer kid in rural Texas who is a member of that tiny minority. And circling back to Elizabeth Santorum on HuffPo: “[Elizabeth] is aware of her father’s so-called ‘Google problem,’ part of a campaign by columnist Dan Savage … ‘That just makes me sad. It’s disappointing that people can be that mean,’ she said.” You know what makes me sad? Reading about Janice Langbehn and Lisa Pond. Together 18 years, the women were vacationing in Florida in 2007 with three of their four children when Pond suffered an aneurysm. Langbehn and the children were barred from Pond’s room at the hospital. A social worker informed Langbehn that they were in an “anti-gay city and state.” Lisa Pond was not a “policy thing.” Her wife and children were prevented from saying goodbye to her as she lay dying. Elizabeth and her father are trying to make sure that other families headed by same-sex couples will suffer as Pond’s family did. It is disappointing how mean some people can be, Elizabeth. Dear Dan: Time to follow through on your threat to redeﬁne “rick,” Dan. Matt Via Twitter Dear MVT: Already done: To “rick” is to remove something with your tongue — the “r” from “remove,” the “ick” from “lick” — making “rick santorum” the most disgusting two-word sentence in the English language after “vote Republican.” Have a question for Dan Savage? E-mail him at email@example.com
The Pitch Ale Fellows 01.12.12