When I Found My
2| March 2019
eeling lonely, do not know whom to talk to, whom to ask anything. I sometimes wonder whether this place is my home or not? My parents are not talking to me. I am feeling like I am not even there. The anger in their eyes is enough to tell me that I have done a crime, which is not worth forgiving, but what it is that I am scared to ask. I think it is better for me to wait for my brother to come. He might tell me the matter. My brother is a gifted child according to my parents. He was school topper, college topper, best in sports and what not. I am not even ten percent of what he is, which in itself is a shame for me. Ohh, he came and I asked him, “What I did today?” my brother replied, “You woke up at 7a.m. instead of 5:30a.m.”. I realized that how studying late at night led me to wake up late in the morning. I cursed myself for getting up late because I knew my parent’s taunts are going to ruin my day. As I was talking to my brother, my father came there and looked at me as if he is going to kill me. My father asked, “Last week how much you got in maths?” I replied,”85, papa”. Hearing this my father’s rage increased and he said, “Do you know how much you need to get into IIT? More than 95. I have never seen such a useless person. If you do not want to study, just tell me so that I can stop wasting my money on you. Look at your brother, have you ever marks less than 90 from his mouth. Sometimes, I look at you and think that I should have had only one son.” My father’s words pierced my heart like hell.
3| March 2019
4| March 2019
His words were still ringing in my ears. An old idiotic saying came to mind that “Guys don’t cry” and I thought to myself who made this rule. All I wanted at that moment was to scream loudly and cry. However, even if I cry, who is going to understand me? Who is going to feel my pain? Nobody. Therefore, I went to the balcony and cried my heart out. Suddenly, I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was my mom. I thought she came to see whether I am okay or not. I thought that she has come to say that, it is okay to vent out your emotion. However, she said, ”anyways you have wasted so much time till now, don’t stand here and waste more”. I went to my room to study thinking that this day could not be worse now. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe the day had some other plans for me which I didn’t know about.
5| March 2019
After studying, it was time for my coaching classes. The only place where I dreaded going apart from my own house. The only good part about going to coaching classes was the journey there. As soon as I reached the classes, I was asked to meet the professor. It seemed that I have performed poorly in my exams and they were suggesting me to take extra classes. Now the class started, I was made to stand up by the professor and he asked me a question. I could not answer it properly. I guess that is what he wanted because after that he made me a mocking example in front of the whole class. While the class was laughing at me, my mind was saying, “Guys don’t cry, guys don’t cry”. For my relief, the class finished and so are the mocking. After reaching home, I looked at my guitar, my drawing books, my awards in sketching and music. I realised, I cannot do it.I cannot run the rat race. I am not my elder brother. I am not the child my parents expected. I am not gifted. I am not worthy of anything. I took my sketchbooks and my guitar and sneaked to the terrace. Those two things I wanted to take with me on my journey to liberation. I screamed to the highest pitch I could and then I jumped. In. In one snap, I was
6| March 201919
7| March 2019
free. From here, I am telling you my entire story, story of a day in my life. A day which seems like a normal thing for a outsider, but for me it was something else. Now, I do not know whether I am in heaven or not, but this place is for sure better than the hell I was living in. Now, whole day I sketch, play my guitar and no body stops me from doing it. There is no one to mock me. There is no one to tell me that I am a useless person. After my death, I saw my parents crying for me, which I did not understand. My father was saying that he loves me a lot and my mother was wishing if she could know what led me take this decision. All I wanted to tell her that, “Ma, papa, it’s you guys. You guys made me take this decision”. I just wanted to tell them, why didn’t you say all these things when I was alive. Why living me couldn’t bring the emotions in you, which dead me brought. You should be happy, the person who brought shame to your family has gone now. Till now, I wanted was your love, care and understanding, which I never got and luckily now I don’t need. You always told me that if I will get good marks, good job, and I will be happy. I am
8| 8| March March 2019 2019
9| March 2019
â€œI sketch, I paint, I play my guitar and no body stops me from doing it. There is no one to mock me. There is no one to tell me that I am a useless person.â€?
10| March 2019
11| March 2019
When I Found My Happiness When I found When my happiness life becomes difficult, you tend to choose a path. Is the path good for you? Are you happy after taking the path? How hard it is to choose? Which path would you choose?
Story of a suicide