EMILY IREDALE CHEATS IN COLLECTIONS LATEST HEADLINES:
Driven mad after loss of the JCR sexretary position, Direfail cheated in her collections, according to her amalgamated nest-partner, Hugo Spencer.
MIGRATING SWALLOWS RETURN TO NEST IN CHARLIE NORTHCOTT’S HAIR OVER SUMMER STEPHANE ROUX RECALLED BY AUDI DUE TO FAULTY WIRING PROBLEMS FRESHER MICHAEL BRENDAN BRETT IN FACT A TIME TRAVELLER, LAST LIVING SURVIVOR OF TITANIC (SEE FOB WATCH)
Studied by luminaries such as Toby ‘Beers’ Baker’s illegitimate son, Chris ‘Beers’ Beer, English is widely held to be Oxford’s most demanding course. Tits, fellow 2nd Year English student said ‘In between melanin injections, I spent the whole vacation training my boyfriend to make notes on Piers Plowman for my exam, as well as teaching him to roll over, and she’s just made a mockery out of all my hard work.’
WILL BOYER TAKES MONOPOLY BOARD TOO SERIOUSLY, POLICE STATE “A 21 YEAR OLD BNOC HAS BEEN INCARCERATED UNTIL PAYMENT OF £50 OR ROLLS A DOUBLE.”
Master of disguise: “Direfail” disguises herself as a walrus to cheat examiners
Hairy Thesp noted ‘if you’re doing English you’re probably going to be a teacher so this kind of behaviour is awful’.
LIBRARIAN GROWS BEARD TO SMUGGLE BOOKS OUT OF SOMERVILLE
According to sources, Direfail not only read the texts, but actually memorised quotes for her exam. One of her tutors remarked, ‘such behaviour is thoroughly irregular, and most improper’.
A full investigation is set to take place by a panel of indignant people who post on the JCR noticeboard about food and building works.
It would appear that TalaLAfitnesslaly (pictured above, inset left) had managed to fight “with tooth and nail” his way out of the hastilyfashioned sacrificial chamber in the process preventing the Somerville chapter of the international Satanist movement from attaining momentary relevance.
‘Lucky to be alive’: It’s thought that S. Talalay (above, left) will never regain full use of his left arm after the incident. Diabolical Algebra: The ringleaders of the Satanist cult, clockwise from top right: Ruby Riley, George O’Shea, Andrew Kerr
A second year Somervillian was heaving a massive choir of relief this Thursday after narrowly escaping a Satanist Sacrificial Ritual held in the Flora Anderson Hall, Hall, The Bogroll reports.
A certain S. Talalalalalaly was found by the Porter who looks like an egg on the front quad at around midnight on Thursday, dressed only in thick rimmed glasses.
“And I'm not going to be the one to clean it up. No way. If you think I am, well, sir, you, you are very wrong. Because I'm not.”
The other members of the Satanist Club included third year Andrew Darryl Kerr (bottom left), who when reached for comment was “not Sources close to the vic- aware of any wrongtim claim that Ta- doing... TaByeNow was bemoaning his lack of dig- “2012's a big year for nity on Friday morning us, and we just felt after realising his girl- that as far as a good friend of x months, human sacrifice goes, Ruby “Satanist Honey- Talfeather fit the protrap” Riley (above, file. right), had simply been liaising with him as part “We don't want perof a “sustained cam- fection, we just want paign of luring.” a decent piece of meat to give to our The first Porter upon Goat Idol.” the scene had this to say about the aftermath The apparent ringof a failed human sacri- leader of the Satanist fice: “The FAH was a japery is the mysteribloody mess. ous and enigmatic George O'Shea “They [the Satanist (bottom right), regroup] had painted the cently famous for floor with sheep's blood spamming your Faceor something, and had book with verbal diarleft the lights on when rhoea. they were finished, which is completely out We either couldn't of order. reach O'Shea for comment, or didn't try.
CHRISTIANS + CATHOLICS + GIRL
= SATANISTS!!!!!!!! College left aghast after Flora Anderson Hall is ‘flagrantly misused’ in failed Satanist Human Sacrifice. The Bogroll has the exclusive…
BUTLER ENSURES VARSITY BOAT RACE ‘SERVES’ UP A CLASSIC SCBC’s Jenni Butler made ‘Boat Race’ history by becoming the first ever person to intervene during proceedings by swimming in the Thames. Causing the race (widely considered to be the most important thing ever!!!!) to be halted for 30mins, the recalcitrant rower later justified her actions. “When it came to around Jenni gets the blues: “How do I live without rowing?” March, and I hadn’t received my invitation to take THE FACTS: part in the race, I knew a th th mistake must have been - Between 16 March and 16 April she has posted a total of 17 ‘rowing-related’ status updates (an average of over one every made and that I had to act. other day) “I had expected the coach to pick me up that morning, - Of her 2,000+ facebook photos, it is estimated than in 71% of them she is pictured in lycra but it didn’t...” “I then had to make my way - Zero blades down to the Thames as quickly as I could, arriving mid-way through the race, explaining why I had to intervene in such a manner. “I have no idea why anyone on the boat let me on”. Luckily for us all, Jenni Butler has been detained indefinitely, but unfortunately she has been treated with an erg in her cell, along with a lap-top to enable her to update us hourby-hour on her latest timings.
WHY DID WE NOT HEED SUCH WARNINGS?!
HIPSTER ROYAL FAMILY SHAKING AFTER ‘NEW’ KATE SCANDAL Following the untimely break-up of Princess Kate and Prince Will, the Hipster Royal Family is embroiled in yet another scandal as it is revealed that Princess Kate has moved swiftly on to her next suitor.
Sure Hewitt wields more clout within society under his ‘Academic Access Officer’ title, but Will wields something only a combination of Topman/All Saints attire can offer – edginess, cool aloofness and general vintageness...’
Sources close to Princess Kate have indicated that she has sought to reignite an old flame in the form of James ‘More Swag than Cher Lloyd’ Hewitt – a kingpin within the neo-Nazi organisation, ‘The Old Somervilllians’.
It is rumoured that the entire Hipster Royal Family has sort sanctuary in ‘Somerville Album Club’, where it is likely that no one other than Chris Beer will bother them.
Princess Daniella Shreir of the Hipster Royal Family commented, ‘Why so soon?
Prince Matthew Robinson remarked, ‘I am so glad that there is a place like the album club around. “Sometimes trend-setters like us need somewhere to be left alone, and why not do so
“DOM WAS AN ACCIDENT, PLEASE DON’T BLAME US!” OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM MR AND MRS STAMFORD CATS AND DOGS TO HAVE PEACE AGREEMENTS, CONFIRM OFFICIAL ENVOY HARRY SPENCER SAW LEVIN AND TOBY MANN IN NEW “STILTS” LOOK FOR SUMMERWEAR
amongst the backdrop of music that you wouldn’t have heard of even if you tried’. A number of questions nonetheless remain unanswered, for instance, was it indeed Hewitt who fathered the illegitimate Prince Harry, Earl of Spencer? And how many of the Hipster Royal Family will Edan be able to bed by the time he decides to do away with Album Club?
TERRORSOME TRIO BROUGHT TO JUSTICE After months and months of inactivity, the Monopolies Commission has finally decided to intervene with regards to the Facebook-liking cartel that is currently wreaking havoc on the Somerville Entz Page.
have assured the public that this annoyance will eventually be put to rest. Joe de Sousa, who plays rugby if you practices from didn’t know, Messrs commented “It’s Schofield, New- just unfair! How man and Nagara- are we able to objan have now fi- tain social gratifinally been adcation from the dressed, and the three when they Commission operate in such an
SANDY JIN ARRESTED IN ILLEGAL GUINEA FOWL FARMING RAID INQUEST INTO THE DEATH OF PRINCIPAL’S BELOVED POOCH JUDGES DEATH “A RESULT OF PROTECTIVE SACRIFICE” FOLLOWING ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT
ALBUM CLUB UNVEILS SPRING COLLECTION. LOTS OF PASTELS, FEW SURPRISES
Local economist Arseniy Banayev later remarked ‘This is absolute outrageous, and such actions cannot be tolerated given the fact that [something something- inaudible- references to wanting guest night tickets]’
THIRD, FOURTH YEARS FILE SECOND CONSECUTIVE “RELEVANCY PETITION”
FOWL PLAY Shares in the Guinea Fowl Company ‘S Jin Enterprises’ have sky rocketed this month, following ANOTHER pre-term guinea fowl-related spending offensive by catering’s Dave Simpson.
KRISHAN NEELENDRA ANNOUNCED AS NEW CBBC PRESENTER, “I’VE ALWAYS FELT I COULD TOUCH SO MANY CHILDREN” HE TELLS THE BOGROLL
It is alleged that Sandy Jin’s recent absence in the Somerville canteen was as a result of her participating in the shipping of the guinea fowl stock from her native homeland, in Slough.
BOGROLL PRAISES “INVALUABLE RESOURCE” OF SEVENTY PLUS SOMERVILLE FACEBOOK GROUPS PORTERS WRITE JOKEBOOK MATTHEW W TAKES HOME SEVERAL TOPHIES FROM THE “PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE LETTERS OF ENQUIRY AWARDS 2012.” TOM ALLSUP CONTRACTS GENITAL WARTS FROM PREZ OF TOADY HALL ANNE MANUEL SEEN EATING LIBRARY REQUEST FORMS ROSA DECLARED A ‘FLOOD HAZARD’; BANNED FROM PARK END FLORA GRAHAM HAS AN ERECTION ENTZ REPS ‘WIN AGAIN’ WITH BOP THEME
BOG ROLL LIMITED TIME OFFER!!!! Michael Harper Topless Bop calendars ONLY 99p when you bring the coupon below to any WH Smith store. Or alternatively to 33Cranham Street THIS COUPON: ENTITLES THE BEHOLDER TO ONE DISCOUNT COPY OF THE MICHAEL HARPER CALENDAR COLLECTION OF DELUDEDLY SELFWORSHIPPING AND UNIMAGINATVE BOP COSTUMES, WITH THE THEME OF ‘GIGOLO’ INCORPORATED INTO EACH VAGUELY TOPICAL OUTFIT
ADVERTISEMENTS UNION!** BERNIE FOR THE UNION! DO YOU LIKE: • Being hacked, almost to death, in a luxuriant baritone? • How about being hacked? How about that? • Gaining an extra friend for about a week, around the time that a Union position opens for contention? • Being blanked on the quad after not getting involved in a communal Union wank? (Also known as a ‘communion wank.’ That’s a coinage.) • Candidates who use their minority status as an awkward selling point? • The chino with popped-collar Ralph Lauren shirt combination? • Campaigns with negligible/ non-existent running policies? • Androids with political aspirations?
Then make sure you vote for Bernardo Zang today! (Or flirt coquettishly with voting for him, and then don’t!)
*Haha, not really.
SOMERVILLE SEX SCANDAL In a shocking twist, a second year student from Somerville College was arrested by the police on charges of soliciting sex from strangers.
Upon questioning, the c h e e k y s l u t mu f f i n proved troublesome, claiming he was only on a shopping trip for fondue ingredients.
Thames Valley officers were on a routine trip to flat 10b Kingston Road on March 17th, when at 10:37 they noticed a young man dressed in ‘arse-less laderhosen’ offering himself to students passing by the Co-Op.
The officers took the naughty bum-bandit to Cowley Police station for further interrogation, but the Somerville arsepirate was shortly released after it emerged that it was only a student hacking for German Society president.
Stephan Roux, German Society president, refuses to comment.
KATY FINNIS TO HOLD CHARITY RAFFLE ‘Since becoming a mother I’ve become so much more concerned with the welfare of others, that’s why I chose to work at Goldman’ says Finnis. Author of nearly 300 volumes of colour coordinated revision notes, she intends to raffle them to eager first year biologists.
IN OTHER NEWS: SATURNALIA TO REPLACE PIERS GAV BERNARDO PUTS NAME IN HAT FOR JCR PREZ - ROSA ASSURES US THAT SHE IS NOT INTERESTED SOMERVILLE SCIENCE AND MATHS SOCIETY ORDERED TO DIVEST SOME OF THEIR POWER - COLLEGE AUTHORITIES GROWING WARY OF THEIR INCREASED PRESENCE WITHIN COLLEGE MICHAEL DAVIES COMES OUT
Ticket sales are expected to be high, partly due to the male anatomy diagram, based on first year heart-throb T. Allsup.
One of her young, when asked about the raffle responded “ ” and devoured a nearby pigeon.
STATISTICS SHOW SOMERVILLIANS ON AVERAGE KNOW MORE MEMBERS OF JEDWARD THAN THEY DO OF SOMERVILLE PHYSICISTS ISABEL MARR CONFIRMS PARTICIPATION IN THIS SUMMER’S SERIES OF SUN, SEX AND AUSPICIOUS PARENTS
JONEY HATES KONY Rugby lad and College softy, Owen Jones, has finally arrived back home safe from his Uganda trip following his search for those ‘invisible children’.
he replied ‘no one told me that they were invisible’.
Later on in our interview with humanitarian Jones, he broke down in tears, drying them on Vehement anti-Kony-ist Jones; his rugby stash (if you didn’t aged 20 from Yorkshire, South know, Owen plays for the OxWales; exclaimed “What is done is ford under-21 rugby team). done. What we did, we did. I just really hate Kony”. When he was finally able to gain his composure, he then When pressed upon what he had whimpered, “It’s just… these actually achieved on his rescue kind of things… that… that mission to Uganda, and whether could really affect our lives. he’d actually rescued any children, “Just like… like the JCR elections. I just couldn’t bear missing out on voting RON for International Officer.”
NAMED AND SHAMED!! !
He then continued “After hearing about Kony video via the Owen Jones [left] wrestling his worst enemy, Kony [centre], in Uganda Daily Mail showbiz page, I just had to check it out. “I watched the first 1min 45secs, after which I had to go Roughly translated as ‘I hate Kony’ – the five people to Rugby training with the Ox- to have liked this were allegedly Rose Newman, Vikford Blues. ram Nagarajah, Becca-Jane Schofield, Abu Hamza and Samantha Brick
“But that was enough. I just had to act, which was when I updated my status accordingly.” Owen Jones just HATES Kony.
If you have been affected by anything in this article, please Claire Harris, second-year Mathe- feel free to get in contact with Owen, or even just confront matician, pictured frivolously dishim next time you see him and posing of her Easter Vacation – probably should have been working ask what the hell he was think- Owen love being part of the Oxford Blues squad, but ing. he hates Kony
EXCLUSIVE: In partnership with the ‘Somerville Arse Week’, the Bog Roll presents the ‘Somerville Gallery’...
The Bogroll - delighted partner of the Somerville Arse Week has the exclusive preview of the all new Somerville Gallery. This addition to the college contains such significant works as Botticelli’s The Birth of Davies and Sausage Soup by Kartik Warhol. In a recent promotional video for the Arse Week, one porter described the exhibition as a “voyage of discovery regarding art. It is something I cannot wait to open like a Pandora’s box.”
Crutches – R.R.P. Your Dignity** Welcome in the new summer with your new pair of crutches! Look popular this Trinity! Pictured are three members of Somerville’s ‘elite’ circle, looking FUN in the SUN
**Old Malburian sold separately
visit Somerville this Monday/ Tuesday morning :)”, she earned the unwitting public’s trust.
Escaped from his plastic cell, Gallop, as a means of gaining Magnito has made a renewed support from our JCR. bid to take over the world. Essential to their plot was Using his incredible ability he finding an access point for has managed to craft a laptop so magneto so as early as last powerful it can post anything, year, The Hashtags sent in anytime on Facebook whether he their spy, shake-shifter Mystique, as a false undergraduhas reason to do so or not. ate under the alias of Emily The criminal mastermind’s es- Iredale. cape was a result of weeks of plotting by his evil organisation The Hashtags.
Soon though the true extent of her cursed, malevolent scheme would come to surface. #Fatmageddon – she had vowed to consume the human race.
They then made the announcement we all feared, “#fatmageddon is BACK WITH A VENGEANCE.” In a bid to remain under the radar of the CIA, The Bogroll can reveal that Magneto has been posing as an ex-Somervillian, Cindy
Mystique used her famous mid manipulation techniques to somehow work her way up into a position of power where finally, she would accept unknown entity Cindy Gallop into the JCR noticeboard fortress on the 19th February: the day that would come to be known as la noche de la oscuridad eternal – The Night of Eternal Darkness. Their method was subtle but effective. Starting off sweet-talking the poor, naïve Somervillians with comments such as “Guys - I'm looking forward to meeting as many of you as possible when I
No-one was safe, especially as the protector – Harry Spencer – was under Mystique’s control. Mystique’s mind meddling dance of erotica is too much for any man. Cindy Gallop was soon rampant and boasting of her acts of “orgiastic Vesper-fuelled feeding frenzies”. We all remember that awful day where we learnt of the murders of Jolyon Coates, Grace Dowling and Helen Britton when Gallop revealed she was “drinking Virgin Redheads by the score” (even Magneto doesn’t get all the facts entirely correct).
BATTLE OF THE ARTS: THE FIRST INSTALLMENT OF NEW BOGROLL POKEMON COMIC
FROM THE ‘QUIRKY’ TO THE ‘HILARIOUS’ AND THE DOWNRIGHT PISSED —Brought to you by Somerville’s most prolific facebookers!
TOP 7 MOST MEMORABLE BOATRACE STATUSES:
STUDENT FINANCE COVERAGE: IG L Let’s Keep it H Original G I
Edan Tal, fearsome war elephant, has entered into his aggressively sexual stage, the college has been warned by bouncers at the Purple Turtle.
Johnson comma Steve is alarmed at the ruts Edan’s tusk may make in the quad, after last year’s rage resulted in a complete excavation of an area in Little Clarendon Street, ‘He was seen since turned into headbutting the Rachel Hutching’s pool table before pleasure palace. trying to procreate with that ran- Citizens of Oxford dom pole they are advised to have in the avoid playing The downstairs bit of Smiths at loud Babylove’ says volume, and on no the Bursar. account, are they to look, or dress, Reportedly even remotely like sparked by a Morrissey, for fear ‘buy a Newcastle of being brutally brown ale, get a buggered by a lightly buttered horny elephant. croissant free’ offer at the CelJess King has “EDAN IS ON HEAT” lar, the rampage gone into – warning issued to villages surrounding Somerville College, Africa. has begun. hiding.
EDAN ENTERS BI-ANNUAL MATING SEASON
TOM ALLSUP IS ADOPTED! Shocking information disclosed exclusively to the bogroll reveals the true parentage of notorious womb-ferret, Tom Allsup. Tallsup’s real parents, Dominique Strauss Kahn and a truck driver from Aberystwyth, contacted the Bogroll over the Easter Vac saying ‘we thought this, the Somerville Bogroll, was the most appropriate way to contact our long lost son.’ Reactions so far have been mixed in college: “If this is true, and his lineage is false, it calls into question the very divine right by which he rules!” stated a confused Jack Crichton. Meanwhile, Lorna Sutton, truck driver, was thrilled to hear of his parentage, hoping the JCR will now give greater consideration to her demands raised during the strike. His parents inform us that Ballsup is actually a fossil, resurrected after his discovery in a colonial residence in India. Ignorant bystander, Kate Hosker, claims she has had her doubts about Ballsup all along. Ballsoup, currently unaware of this information, has yet to pass comment on these undeniably libellous accusations.
Not for girls? Whether Tom is also a hermaphrodite is yet to be confirmed...
ARSE WEEK Arse week got off to a marvellous start over the Easter Vac. With an inspired nod to Alice Proshaska, the titular hero of classic Oxford tale Alice in Wonderland, Arts week created an installation in tribute to the famous ‘Change Places’ scene. Finalists were required to randomly change room despite being deep in preparation for exams, and in keeping with the obscurity and anarchy of the novel, students were offered no explanation for the events. Thrilled Matthew Gaksman published his correspondence with ‘Mad Hatter’ Carol Reynolds to show how ‘shocked’ he was by the quality of the art, whilst Owen Jones called it ‘a shining example of us being put first’. The interactive nature of the instillation also could hold tangible improvements: college staff, tired of Somerville’s pervasive mediocrity in
finals, relied heavily on a Japanese study that showed hurling enraged badgers wrapped in barbed wire at toddlers increased their activity in class dramatically. We wait with baited breath! Unfortunately Joe De Sousa missed the mark a bit when he suggested they ask for rent for the use of the JCR seeing as a) it was only an Arts installation b) the JCR doesn’t own the site itself you tit. Whilst all students were thrilled by the exhibit, some Oxford groups expressed concerns that it was an inappropriate interpretation of an innocent children’s tale, and that Alice in Wonderland should not be associated with the way that the college whored itself out to random parties.
ATTENTION! In the interests of College security and hygiene, if you see this figure, please issue him this notice (proceeding as you do so with extreme caution):
Somerville College Notice of Eviction: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Please take this slip as notice of your impending eviction from Somerville College. The College Body acknowledges that you, random guy, have evidently been squatting in the College grounds and College Social Conferences, as well as certain College Members: all in strict contravention of fire safety rules and standards of human taste. If you do not find friends within your own College within 3 (‘three’) days, the College Body, led by the porter with a big motorbike, will be forced to slap you until you cry. And for fuck’s sake, put a shirt on.
The resurrected Bog Roll is back with a brand new look; have a flip through of the college news, scandal, gossip, comics and humour. DISCLAI...