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Issue #251 • Volume 21 • number 11 May 2014 Copyright © 2014 xmag LLC. exotic® is a registered trademark owned by xmag LLC. all rights reserved. Published monthly by xmag LLC. Circulation: 75,000 per month at 200+ sites mailing address: 818 sw 3rd avenue, suite 1324 Portland, oregon 97204 Telephone: 503.241.4317 Fax: 503.914.0439 email: info@xmag.com exotic online: www.xmag.com

Publisher xmag LLC. general manager Bryan a. Bybee editor John R. Voge Copy editor granny Lee Production / design shawna graphic design darkstar graphics shawna Contributing Photographers La Lunoux • hyPnox • ambeRed Jeffery walls • kyle helstein advertising adam (503) 804-4479 dawn (503) 241-4317 John Voge (503) 816-4174 distribution enrico Carrisco • adam Contributors elle Lynn stanger dJ Bomb shell Richie stratton John Lewis Ray mcmillin John Voge

FLy TwaTTeRs social media gets sky-fucked page 22 by elektra luxx

suRVIVIng CInCo de mayo fiesta or failure? page 24 by richie stratton

deeP InsIde The VagIna lies and legends in beaver city page 26 by dj bomb shel

nIPPLes FoR eVeRyone! and why we have ‘em page 33 by john lewis

Cover Photography La Lunoux Cover model Tana the Tattooed Lady kit kat Club

exotic is not liable for any images of models used by advertisers to promote products or services. Rights and releases are the sole responsibility of the advertisers. all persons appearing in photos are over the age of 18. one copy of each edition of exotic is available free to any person each month. anyone removing magazines in bulk will be prosecuted on theft charges to the fullest extent of the law. any reproduction of materials presented herein without the express written consent of the publisher is forbidden by law. In scientific case studies, reading exotic magazine has caused certain undesirable side effects. Possible side effects include headache, dizziness, mild nausea, diahrrea, vomiting, rash, itching, hives, swelling of the lips and face, hair growth, hand tremors, gum swelling, higher blood pressure, increase in cholesterol level, altered kidney function, swollen gums, acne, weight gain, blood in the urine, fluid retention, drowsiness, irritability, behavior changes, oily anal discharges, premature ejaculation, complete penile dysfunction, lupus, sleep apnea, lyme disease and certain strains of knee-jerk, violent, right-wing republican behavior.

eRoTIC CITy CoVeRgIRL q& a PInuP CaLend aR eRoTIsCoPes eRoTIC muse TaLes FRom Th e dJ BooTh CLassIFIeds Bad sex sToRI es exotic magazine

Pg. 20 Pg. 27 Pg. 28 Pg. 36 Pg. 40 Pg. 42 Pg. 44 Pg. 46 |

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This is the final installment of Erotic City. Yep, that’s it. It’s done. After 20 years, it’s time to shut this tired, old bitch down like a one-legged stripper at Beaver’s Inn. I’ve been at the helm of this column for more than 10 of those years and Erotic City has been there for me through thick and thin. This multifeatured column provided many useful bits of information about the Portland sex industry over the years. Primarily used to inform and report, Erotic City sometimes took on a mind of its own and tended to do a little bit of scandalizing, seducing and even an assfucking or two in the darker years. So, with a heavy heart, I must say farewell to thee, my dearest Erotic City. I’ll remember you always. Spooky Big things are happening at Exotic. We’re currently under construction with an editorial upgrade and are very excited to unveil more changes each month, throughout the summer. Stay tuned for something completely different. We’re talking about the future, man! Altered states of consciousness, showclub confidentials and of course, the best fucking sex you’ve ever had. It all starts next month, when it’s time to let your freak flag fly, with our first ever, Nerd Pride Issue. We’re coming out… from a galaxy far, far away. Until then, enjoy all your naughtiest desires at the following events, brought to you by Oregon’s finest clubs.

Thu 1 - Star Theater - Caravan Of Glam Spearmint Rhino - XXX Adult Film Superstar Nikki Delano FRI 2 - Stars Cabaret (Salem) - Dias Locos de Mayo 1800 Party Bottoms Up - Cinco de Mayo Party Spearmint Rhino - XXX Adult Film Superstar Nikki Delano sat 3 - Stars Cabaret (Beaverton) - The Stars Derby with mint juleps & Stars’ thoroughbreds racing for cash prizes Stars Cabaret (Salem) - Dias Locos de Mayo Cinge Party Spearmint Rhino - XXX Adult Film Superstar Nikki Delano SAT 4 - Everywhere - May The Fourth Be With You mon 5 - Stars Cabaret (Beaverton) Cinco de Mayo Celebration with specials, prizes & giveaways Stars Cabaret (Salem) - Dias Locos de Mayo Sauza Party

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fri 9 - Star Theater - Rue Royale Burlesque, starring the Stage Door Johnnies sun 11 - Everywhere – Buy-A-StripperSome-Pampers-Day wed 14 - Club 205 - Covergirl Dance Contest thu 15 - Spearmint Rhino - XXX Adult Film Superstar Britney Amber Stars Cabaret (Salem) - Penthouse Pet Samantha Saint FRI 16 - Mystic Gentlemen’s Club Glow Party - Neon & black light theme party with live DJs Kellan, Costello Presley & Joe Nasty Spearmint Rhino - XXX Adult Film Superstar Britney Amber Stars Cabaret (Salem) - Penthouse Pet Samantha Saint

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sat 17 - Spearmint Rhino - XXX Adult Film Superstar Britney Amber Stars Cabaret (Salem) - Superhero Party - come dressed as your favorite hero or villain Stars Cabaret (Bend) - Penthouse Pet Samantha Saint fri 23 - Dante’s - Zepparella sat 24 - Dante’s - Brody Dalle thu 29 - Tonic Lounge - The Genitorturers fri 30 - Mystic Gentlemen’s Club Marlee’s Birthday Party, with cake, ice cream, pin the dollar on the dancer and 2-girl feature sets Skinn Gentlemen’s Club - Best Ink Contest sat 31 - Lure Exotic Lounge - Pool Party - bikini pool wrestling & free buffet


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It started on April 14, 2014, (weeks after the missing Malaysian flight) with what seemed to be a meaningless prank, by a supposed 14-yearold white Dutch girl, tweeting to American Airlines. The tweet went like this: @ AmericanAir hello my name’s Ibrahim and I’m from Afghanistan, I’m part of Al Qaida and on June 1st I’m gonna do something really big bye! American Air responded with “Sarah, we take these threats very seriously. Your IP address and details will be forwarded to security and the FBI.” The interaction received much attention on the Internet—soon spreading to other news outlets in a few minutes. It was even mentioned on local radio the following day. Sarah’s tweet was undeniably racist and embarrassingly naïve. She dived right into that annoyingwhite-girl stereotype that’s ever present in popular Internet culture. After receiving a blast of new followers (20,000 followers within 12 hours) and graphic attention, including a ridiculous amount of hate, the young girl openly demonstrated her mixed feelings about the increased attention— stating that, she was going to need a lawyer and was in open denial that anything bad could possibly happen to her. She also seemed ashamed about having to tell her parents about the incident, but at the same time, exhilarated by her impending Internet infamy. “I always wanted to be famous, but I meant like Demi Lovato famous, not Osama bin Laden famous” she later tweeted. Much to her dismay (I’m sure), she was arrested by Dutch police the next day. Her account is now suspended and unavailable for viewing. (EdAt press time, it’s downright spooky, that this incident, and any press about it for that matter, has been just about eradicated from existence.) The same day as the young queen’s arrest, US Airways “accidently” tweeted a picture of a woman masturbating with a large model Boeing 777. The graphic and NSFW image appeared on many Twitter timelines during normal U.S. 22 exotic magazine

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What the fuck is up with airlines on the Internet?

working hours, creating much outcry, as well as utter astonishment. The photograph was up on the original US Airways timeline for approximately 20 minutes before it was taken down, after which, US Airways issued an apology and stated they were looking into the matter. The picture was attached to a normal feedback response to a Portland customer, who had expressed their displeasure with a flight delay. Within seconds, the tweet was screen captioned, went viral across the Internet and instigated many crude jokes. It was later shushed as some innocent mistake made by “someone” (who is probably now fired), before hitting major news sources, like CNN. The immediate apology, also instigated many conspiracy theories, questioning whether it was done purposely, to gain press coverage. (EdDevelopments in this story, since Ms. Luxx’s submission, have revealed that US Airways claims that the offending image was actually a customer post that had been flagged for inappropriate content and removal, yet “somehow” was inadvertently sent as an attachment to a customer complaint. At press time, US Airways announced that the employee responsible would not be fired, as it was a simple mistake.) The lack of regulatory control over content is one of the most appealing parts of Twitter. Both these immediate events border on indecency, in a social media arena, which purports to be mostly free of censorship. Both instances were instigated by corporations and both instances lightly threatened femininity in one way or another. But, both are mild enough, in that they just slightly push the envelope on what is inappropriate or appropriate behavior on the Internet, and everyone (corporations), except a young girl fitting snugly into a stereotype and perhaps a silly intern, pulls off some funny public indecency. In other words, I guess airplanes are just big-ass boners.


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Ah, Cinco de Mayo is here again. Sure, on May 5, 1862, the less-equipped and outnumbered Mexican army, spanked the invading French army near Puebla, but let’s cut the crap. It’s basically another American holiday—for Americans to get shitfaced on. Luckily for you reader, being a shitfaced-American, is something I am quite talented at. Of all the places I’ve woken up, (couches, floors five states away from where I started, lawns, truck beds, on top of my refrigerator somehow, bathtubs, back seats of strangers’ cars and sex swings) it’s never been a jail cell. Some might think that’s not what you would call being good at getting shit-faced. No argument here—but, if any of my knowledge can help, why not pass it on? That said, here are some survival tips to make it through one of the drinky-est holidays on our calendar. EAT AHEAD OF TIME - This seems like a no-brainer, but I can’t tell you how many times I’m doing an emergency inventory of what I ate, five minutes after my second shot. Usually, the inventory ends in a grilled cheese the night before to absorb whatever kind of drunk I was then. Cinco de Mayo lends itself well to fill up on tacos and burritos before the festivities get underway. Resist going for spicy foods. Chances are, that all that food is coming back up. BLENDING IN - You must walk amongst the drunks, before you can become one of them. It seems that no matter how early you start the festivities on Cinco de Mayo, a group of frat guys have started before you. In my experience, this makes it incredibly hard to get to the bartender while having to dodge chest bumps and high fives. Rather than getting crushed ordering your margarita, try wearing an oversized sombrero and puke-stained poncho. Now, to some, this might come off as insanely racist to the Mexican community, (like wearing a rice hat to celebrate Chinese New Year or putting on blackface to celebrate Martin Luther King Day) but on Cinco de Mayo, those stereotypical clothes will part the sea of douchie “Yeah Bros!” for sure. If that doesn’t get you closer to the bartender, try being a hot woman. That seems to work perfect for about 100% of the hot women I’ve seen, 100% of the time. HOW TO TAKE A SHOT - This particular method, was taught to me by a friend, whom I’m pretty sure had a personal vendetta on my liver. Take a large breath in, hold that breath, then take the shot and breathe out slowly. This little bit of instruction upgraded my intake from “I think I’m a little drunk.” to, “I’m pretty sure I came into this Denny’s wearing pants. Not positive, but pretty sure.” Who says that big breath in needs to be air? Try a bong rip before the shot if you need fun new ways to forget how you got home. Sadly, some people can’t do shots—no 24 exotic magazine 24 exotic magazine

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matter what little trick you throw their way. For them, there’s always the option to keister a Mezcal-soaked tampon. Not exactly what the makers of Tampax had in mind I’m sure, but applying Yankee ingenuity to celebrate Mexican heritage, really tears down those cultural borders. KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON - Nobody loves the “life of the party” more. than the loud, drunk idiot that thinks he’s the “life of the party.” A quick test to find out if you’re being the asshole, is to ask yourself honestly, “How drunk are you?” If your honest answer back is, “I am immortal!” you might have had one Corona too many. At that point, your truest friends become water, coffee and an internal monologue. I’ve never looked back on a drunken conversation point I was trying to make and thought to myself “I couldn’t have said it better if I tried.” I know tequila gives the occasional drinker super powers beyond normal man, but remember, no matter how many shots you kick back, you’re not tougher than the bouncer. Avoid the aggravation and bewilderment of finding out that you’ve been 86’d from your favorite bar, the next time you try to go in. Don’t become the “life of the party.” If you find yourself next to the “life of the party,” make sure to separate yourself as quick as your pickled brain realizes what’s happening, or else prepare to get sucked into their black hole of stupid. CURING THE INEVITABLE HANGOVER - May 6, will be when it’s time for you to pray to your one and only God—coconut water. With more potassium than a banana, it’s a great way to feel better fast. The Internet also says to eat eggs, which provides all that protein and cysteine to mop up all those extra toxins left behind from the booze. If you’re going with the “hair of the dog that bit you” approach, everybody knows a Bloody Mary is the way to go. But, this month, in the spirit of the holiday, I think it would be more fitting if they were called Bloody Marias. BRIBING THE FEDERALES - Start as soon as you get caught. Bribes get harder and harder, the higher up the food chain you go. Basically, I’m saying it’s easier to bribe a Mexican cop, than a Mexican judge. Before the officer hauls your ass off to jail for getting too “handsy” at the donkey show, hint that it might be easier for everyone if you could just pay the fine here and now. That reminds me—make sure you have a couple hundred bucks tucked away on you. Oh, and one more thing— don’t get mugged before the cops roll you. I hope some of these tips help you truly enjoy your Cinco de Mayo. Now, get out there and paint that town rojo banditos.


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It came up a few nights ago, in the locker room at The Golden Dragon. The buxom blonde, Beaver-ina was talking to GI Hoe, the new girl. When I heard the words lobster and vagina used in the same sentence, I had to interject. Apparently, one of them had gotten an email about a woman who gave birth to a bunch of shrimp, after having sex with a lobster! Was this for real? I had to research. By the time I was done, I had a severe case of TMI and after reading this, you will too. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you…

Myth: Woman Gives Birth To 1,000 Mud Shrimp Ladies, if you’ve ever thought about masturbating with a live lobster, this should deter you. An email hoax that started in January of 2000, claimed that Miss Susan DaLucci, a 22-year old lesbian from Kittery, Maine, died in her bathroom, after pushing out 1,000 quarter-sized baby mud shrimp. Apparently, reportedly and reputedly, Miss DaLucci had a rather interesting date the night before, with a live lobster in her bathtub. I don’t know how else to say this, so I’m just gonna spit it out, she shoved the tail into her tway-tway and then held a lighter under the lobster’s face to make it jerk its tail back and forth. During the gyrations, some shrimp eggs that the lobster had previously eaten were “released”. The next day, Susy found herself over the toilet, experiencing what one could only describe as vaginal diarrhea. Severe head trauma (probably from the massive facepalm she gave herself) was listed as the cause of death.  

Myth: Poontang Teeth

Released in 2007, the movie is simply called Teeth, and it’s a horror film based on every man’s greatest fear—vagina dentata. That is, by the way, the medical term. And, unfortunately fellas, it’s not all myth. While the images created by director Mitchell Lichtenstein painting a woman’s wet spot as a saliva spout for rows of alien-esque incisors are a little dramatic, they are based in reality. You see, some unfortunate females develop something called dermoid cysts or simply put, layers of embryonic skin cells that sometimes mature into teeth, bones or hair….down there.

Myth: You Poke the Baby In The Head During Sex No, little Jane and Jack are safe from embryonic penis attacks and fisting won’t leave the baby with a black eye. According to WebMD, the fetus is safe and sound in mommy’s uterus, which is protected by the cervix. The 26 exotic magazine

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cervix doesn’t open entirely until it’s birthing time. So, poke away Ms. Prego! No fetal helmet required.

Myth: Vaginas Make Good Pockets If this were true, I’d be digging in my crotch for my keys. Moving on…

Myth: Blue Waffle Disease First off, I gotta say, I had no idea until I researched this story, that waffle is slang for the pink taco. Insert syrup and salsa jokes here. Anyhow, this mythical STD gained so much steam among high school kids, that in August of 2011, the Women’s Health Foundation issued a public statement reading, “There is no such thing as blue waffle disease.” Which honestly, is a good thing, because nobody wants a scabby, blue “waffle.”

Myth: It’s Called A Beaver Because It Eats Wood So, how did a large, furry rodent with a flat tail and large incisors, become a synonym for the ol’ clit slit? I’m so glad you asked! Etymology online claims that the slang dates back to colonial days, when prostitutes had to shave their cha-chas to keep from spreading pubic lice, AKA crabs. Unfortunately, having a bald peach was frowned upon back in the day. So, in order to keep the founding fathers coming back for business, the ladies covered up their bare sperm shacks with wigs. That’s right. They glued tiny little wigs to their girl parts, and I bet you can guess what these wigs (called merkins) were made of, say it with me, beaver. P.S. The same train of thought does NOT apply to the word pussy. Never, at any point in recorded history, did women walk around with cat pelts glued to their whisker biscuit.

Myth: Women Should Douche

Ladies, stop sticking those plastic squirt bottles up your chia hole! Your girl parts are self-cleaning and douching can actually imbalance your natural PH. The same goes for harsh soaps. I hear a nice warm tongue does wonders though.

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Myth: You Can’t Grow A Vagina In A Petri Dish Oh, yes you can! According to an article published this month in New Scientist magazine, four women recently received cooter implants that were grown in a lab. Dr. Anthony Atala, of the Wake Forest School of Medicine in North Carolina, explained in the article that these ladies had been born with a very rare disease known as Mayer-Rokitansky-KusterHauser Syndrome (MRKH). Otherwise known as the, “You’re pussy’s all fucked up bitch”... syndrome. Victims of this wretched ailment are born with an under-developed cockpit. There’s just no place to dock it—if you get my drift.  But alas, thanks to modern medicine, it’s alive! Dr. Frankenstein would be proud.

Myth: Squirting Is Pee I’d like to re-name this myth, “Is that a swimming pool in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” Sexpert, Rebecca Chalker wrote in her book The Clitoral Truth: The Secret World at Your Fingertips, “The suggestion that women can expel fluid from their genital area as part of sexual arousal is one of the most hotly-debated questions in modern sexology.” Unlike male ejaculation, which has been studied A LOT, female ejaculation is still a bit of a mystery. Studies done in the 1980s, that measured levels of urea, creatinine, glucose and fructose, determined that the two fluids (we’ll just call them pee and pee-ish) are different.  They are not the same substance. The real mystery here, is that we don’t know where it, the squirt, comes from. That’s right. We’ve sent men to the moon, but we don’t know where a woman’s cum, comes from.

Myth: The Cotton Cocktail And finally, ladies, inserting vodka-soaked tampons will not get you drunk. Period. Lol. End of story. Bomb Shel, The Naked DJ, spins Thursday, Friday and Saturday from midnight until at least 4AM at The Golden Dragon Exotic Club in downtown Portland, OR. View her full schedule, pictures and download mixes online at DjBombShel.com.


It’s a rare treat to have an international burlesque star on our cover, so after all the flash and glitz of the Exotic covergirl shoot wrapped up, our roving reporter caught up with Tana The Tattooed Lady for breakfast, the morning after her session with London Lunoux at the Kit Kat Club. Q: How long have you been “The Tattooed Lady”? A: Since birth. *Wink* There’s a long history of tattooed people in my family. Growing up, it was common for people to be getting tattooed in the kitchens of the punk rock crash houses that I lived in with my mother. I knew that I wanted to cover my body in tattoos since I was a small child, however wacky that may sound. I begged to get my fingernails tattooed. Finally, when I was 10 or so, my uncle would help hold my hands down and they would use a homemade machine to put designs on my fingernails. In Texas in the 80s, you could take your kids with you to the bar. So, my mom took me to the tattoo shop at 14, to see if we could convince the shop to let me get my first tattoo. They agreed, because I had parental consent. But, when we came back after the design was drawn up, the shop owner had come in and nixed the whole thing thank god. Otherwise, I would have ended up with something really stupid on my

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cheek. And, no, I won’t tell you what it was going to be. I was taking a lot of LSD at the time. I officially became “The Tattooed Lady,” when I worked with Greg Thompson, who is the largest producer of Las Vegasstyle shows in the world. He gave me the name after the old Groucho Marx song “Lydia The Tattooed Lady.” In the original days of burlesque, it was customary to pay homage to your roots, by taking the name given to you by a famous producer or director. I started getting professional tattoo work the day after I turned 18. And so it began. Q: Having spent the last decade as an internationally-celebrated burlesque performer, what do you think about dancing at The Kit Kat Club? A: The Kit Kat Club is the perfect marriage of my skill set, as an exotic entertainer. I’m able to wear my sparkly costumes, emcee from time to time, croon old jazz and blues tunes, give lap dances and connect with a community of wonderful, like-minded women—some of which, have just graduated from All That Glitters Burlesque Academy, which is my school for burgeoning burlesque beauties and strippers from all catwalks of life. Q: What do you think studying burlesque offers to exotic dancers? A: All burlesque is derivative. So, in a sense, anyone who is a modern day burlesque performer, is modeling themselves after old Hollywood, vaudeville and pinup girls. All burlesque performers are aspiring to recreate an era when glamour had much more value. If you deviate too far, it ceases to be burlesque. Incorporating elements of burlesque can set you apart from average, run-ofthe-mill strippers. It invites you to explore another world of costuming, make-up, music and themes. Photos by Jake Kwong

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EV E RY T H ING E LSE

ADULT VIDEO ONLY STORES  102 Vancouver: 10620 NE 4th Plain Rd (360) 253-2806 | Mon-Thu 8am-12am, Fri-Sat 8am-1am, Sun 8am-11pm ALL ADULT VIDEO  103 14555 SE McLoughlin Blvd | (503) 652-2004 Daily 24 hours Aphrodite’s  168 10931 SW 53rd Ave | (503) 244-1227 Daily 2pm-4am AREA 69  104 7720 SE 82nd Ave | (503) 774-5544 Daily 10am-2am BLUE SPOT VIDEO  106 3232 NE 82nd Ave | (503) 251-8944 Daily 24 hours CindiE’S  109 8201 SE Powell Blvd #H | (503) 771-9979 Daily 9am-12am club Fantasy  158 1232 NE Columbia Blvd | (503) 445-6688 Daily 24 hours EXOTIC NIGHTS BOOKS  114 5620 NE MLK Blvd | (503) 493-3944 Mon-Fri 12pm-11pm, Sat 5pm-12am Live Models: Mon-Sat 12pm-11pm FANTASYLAND (2)  116 5228 SE Foster Rd (503) 775-0094 Daily 24 hours 16014 SE 82nd Dr (503) 655-4667 Daily 24 hours FAT COBRA VIDEO  118 5940 N Interstate Ave | (503) 247-DICK (3425) Mon-Fri 6am-3am, Sat-Sun 24 hours Flesh  124 330 SW 3rd Ave | (503) 227-1527 Daily 6pm-3am FROLICS  120 8845 NE Sandy Blvd | (503) 408-0958 Daily 24 hours the green planet  121 10022 SW Canyon Rd| (503) 292-1203 Sun-Thu 9am-11pm, Fri-Sat 9am-12am HEAVEN’S CLOSET  122 5429 SE 72nd Ave | (503) 537-7286 Tue-Sat 11am-8pm Hot box  157 4589 SW Watson Ave | (503) 574-4057 Mon-Sat 11am-10pm, Sun 11am-9pm HUNNIES  148 3520 NE 82nd Ave | (503) 254-4226 Daily 24 hours LIBERATED WORLD  123 10660 SE Division St | (503) 257-6881 Daily 24 hours MR. PEEP’S / Mr. Peep’s Too (2)  162 13355 SW Henry St | (503) 643-6645 20625 SW TV Hwy, Aloha OR | (503) 356-5624 Daily 24 hours

OH ZONE  126 6218 NE Columbia Blvd | (503) 284-4759 162 157 36 Daily 10am-3am (5 miles west of 217) OREGON THEATer  127 169 3530 SE Division St | (503) 232-7469 149 Daily from 12pm PARADISE VIDEO  128 14712 SE Stark St | (503) 255-9414 Daily 24 hours Paris Theatre  129 LV 6 SW 3rd Ave | (503) 295-7808 D. Mon-Thu 11am-12am, Fri-Sun 24 hours PASSIONATE DREAMS (2)  130 6644 SE 82nd Ave | (503) 775-6665 10518-B NE Sandy Blvd | (503) 252-5559 Daily 10am-4am . PEEP HOLE  131 RD E RRY LL S F SPR 709 SE 122nd Ave | (503) 257-8617 HO I C N S GFI Daily 24 hours EL SW Poppi’s Pipes  156 1712 E. Burnside St | (503) 206-7731 Mon-Fri 10am-8pm, Sat 11am-8pm, Sun 11am-6pm Pussycats  134 3414 NE 82nd Ave | (971) 373-8765 314 W Burnside St, Suite 300 | (503) 894-9443 5226 SE Foster Rd | (503) 206-5590 SW Barbur Blvd @ SW 53rd Ave | (503) 719-7561 Daily 24 hours SECRET RENDEZVOUS  136 12503 SE Division St #C | (503) 761-4040 Daily 24 hours Seductions  170 DU 5321 SE Foster Rd | (503) 719-5046 Daily 24 Hours 55 SHEENA’S G­­SPOT  137 112 8315 SW Barbur Blvd | (503) 972-1111 Daily 24 hours 162 157 SILVER SPOON  139 (5 miles west of 217 8521 SW Barbur Blvd | (503) 245-0489 169 Mon-Sat 10am-7pm, Sun 12pm-5pm 149 SPARTACUS LEATHERS  141 300 SW 12th Ave | (503) 224-2604 Mon-Thurs 10am-11pm, Fri-Sat 10am-12am, Sun 12pm-9pm Stiletto Lingerie Modeling  163 7827 SE Powell Blvd | (503) 568-4090 Daily 24 hours TABOO VIDEO (4)  144 Downtown: 311 NW Broadway | (503) 227-3443 Portland: 237 SE MLK Blvd | (503) 239-1678 E LLS F Portland: 2330 SE 82nd Ave | (503) 777-6033 HO SC Vancouver: 4811 NE 94th Ave | (360) 254-1126 SW Daily 24 hours torched illusions  149 17935 SW Tualatin Valley Hwy | (503) 259-2310 Daily 10am-12am torched illusions II  169 133 SE 3rd Ave | (503) 547-8777 Daily 10am-9pm The Toy Boxxx  164 12436 SE Powell Blvd | (503) 761-0355 Daily 24 hours The Velvet Rope  101 3533 SE César E Chávez Ave | (971) 271-7064 Thu 8pm-2am, Fri & Sat 8:30pm-4am, Sun 8pm-2am X-OTIC TAN  147 8431 SE Division St | (503) 257-0622 Daily 24 hours M U R R AY R D .

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UNION JACKS  43 food 938 E Burnside St | (503) 236-1125 Mon-Thu 4pm-2:30am, Fri-Sun 3pm-2:30am The viewpoint restaurant & Lounge  61 food 8102 NE Killingsworth St Daily 5pm-5am The VIP Room  63 food 18+ 10018 SW Canyon Rd | (503) 297-5389 Mon-Wed 12pm-2am, Thu-Sat 12pm-4am Xpose  70 food 10140 SW Canyon Rd | (503) 430-5364 Daily 3pm-2:30am 505 CLUB  45 food Lottery 505 NW Burnside Rd | (503) 666-2286 Daily 11am-2:30am

SW

STRIP CLUBS

ACROPOLIS  1 food Lottery 8325 SE McLoughlin Blvd | (503) 231-9611 Mon-Sat 7am-2:30am, Sun 11am-2:30am Black Cauldron  68 food 16015 SE Stark St | (503) 265-8929 Daily 11am-2:30am blush  3 food Lottery 5145 SE McLoughlin Blvd | (503) 236-8559 Mon-Fri 11am-2:30am, Sat 12pm-2:30am, Sun 4pm-2:30am BOOM BOOM ROOM  4 food Lottery 8345 SW Barbur Blvd | (503) 244-7630 Daily 2pm-2am BOTTOMS UP!  5 food Lottery 16900 NW St. Helens Rd | (503) 621-9844 Mon-Thu 12pm-12am, Fri-Sat 12pm-2am, Sun 12pm-10pm CABARET  7 food Lottery 17544 SE Stark St | (503) 252-3529 Daily 2pm-2:30am CASA DIABLO Vegan Strip CLUB  46 food 2839 NW St. Helens Rd | (503) 222-6600 Daily 11am-2:30am Club 205  56 food Lottery 9939 SE Stark St | (503) 256-0527 Daily 10:30am-2:30am Club rouge  48 food Lottery 403 SW Stark St | (503) 227-3936 Daily 6pm-2:30am Crown Room II  71 food 18+ 205 NW 4th Ave Fri-Sat 8pm-Sunrise DANCIN’ BARE  11 food Lottery 8440 N Interstate Ave | (503) 285-9073 Daily 11:30am-2:30am DEVILS POINT  12 food Lottery 5305 SE Foster Rd | (503) 774-4513 Daily 11am-2:30am DREAM ON SALOON  16 food Lottery 15920 SE Stark St | (503) 253-8765 Mon-Sat 11am-2am, Sun 1pm-2am DV8  17 food Lottery 5021 SE Powell Blvd | (503) 788-7178 Daily 2pm-2:15am Exotica International  18 food Lottery 240 NE Columbia Blvd | (503) 285-0281 Daily 11am-2:30am Front Avenue Strip  67 food 3075 NW Front Ave | (503) 471-9999 Mon-Sat 11am-1am Gems Gentlemen’s Club  55 food Lottery 1735 SE Tualatin Valley Hwy | (503) 640-4086 Daily 7am-2:30am Gold club  61 food 17180 SE McLoughlin Blvd | (503) 908-1177 Mon-Sat 11:30am-2:30am & Sun 4pm-2:30am Golden Dragon  62 18+ 324 SW 3rd Ave | (503) 274-1900 Mon-Fri 2pm-Sunrise, Sat & Sun 6pm-Sunrise Hawthorne Strip  19 food 1008 SE Hawthorne Blvd | (503) 232-9516 Daily 2pm-2:30am Heat Gentlemen’s Club  57 food Lottery 12131 SE Holgate Blvd | (503) 762-2857 Daily 10:30am-2:30am Jag’s Cluhouse  32 food 605 N Columbia Blvd | (503) 289-1351 Daily 11am-2am JIGGLES  22 food 18+ 7455 SW Nyberg St | (503) 692-3655 Mon-Thu 3pm-2am, Fri-Sat 3pm-3am, Sun 6pm-2am JODY’S BAR & GRILL  23 food 12035 NE Glisan St | (503) 255-5039 Daily 7am-2:30am

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King’s Wild  15 food Lottery 13550 SE Powell Blvd | (503) 208-3506 Daily 1pm-2:30am Kit Kat Club  69 food 231 SW Ankeny St | (503) 208-3229 Daily 5pm-2:30am The Landing Strip  30 food Lottery 6210 NE Columbia Blvd | (503) 281-3212 Daily 10am-2:30am lucky devil lounge  47 food Lottery 633 SE Powell Blvd | (503) 206-7350 Daily 11am-2:30am Lure Exotic Lounge  2 food Lottery 11051 SW Barbur Blvd | (503) 244-3320 Daily 11:30am-2:30am MAGIC GARDENS  24 food Lottery 217 NW 4th Ave | (503) 224-8472 Mon-Sat 12pm-2:30am Sun 6pm-2:30am MARY’S CLUB  25 food Lottery 129 SW Broadway | (503) 227-3023 Daily 11:30am-2:30am mystic gentlemen’s club  52 food Lottery 9950 SE Stark St | (503) 477-9523 Daily 9am-2:30am NICOLAI ST. CLUBHOUSE  27 food 2460 NW 24th Ave | (503) 227-5384 Mon-Fri 9am-2:30am Sat 11am-2:30am THE PALLAS  28 food Lottery 13639 SE Powell Blvd | (503) 760-8128 Mon-Sat 11:30am-2:30am Sun 1pm-2:30am PIRATE’S COVE  29 food Lottery 7417 NE Sandy Blvd | (503) 287-8900 Daily 2pm-2:30am Pitiful Princess  60 food 12646 SE Division St | (503) 954-1019 Daily 11am-2:30am RIVERSIDE CORRAL  31 food 545 SE Tacoma St | (503) 232-6813 Mon-Sat 10am-2:30am Sun 1pm-1am rose city strip  10 food 3620 SE 35th Pl | (503) 239-1004 Daily 3pm-2:30am SAFARI SHOWCLUB  33 food Lottery 3000 SE Powell Blvd | (503) 231-9199 Daily 11am-2:30am shimmers gentlemen’s club  40 food Lottery 8000 SE Foster Rd | (971) 230 - 0047 Mon-Sat 9:30am-2:30am Sun 10am-2:30am Skinn Gentlemen’s Club  21 food Lottery 4523 NE 60th Ave | (503) 288-9771 Daily 10am-2:30am Sky Club  66 food Lottery 50 SW 3rd Ave | (503) 223-1375 Showtimes: Thu-Sat 9:30pm-1am Restaurant: Wed-Sun 11am-1am SOOBIE’S  35 food 333 SE 122nd Ave | (503) 253-8892 Mon-Sat 11:30am-2:30am, Sun 4pm-2:30am Spearmint Rhino  65 food 15826 SE Division St | (503) 894-9219 Daily 1pm-2:30am Spyce Gentlemen’s Club  49 food Lottery 33 NW 2nd Ave | (503) 243-4646 Sun-Thu 6pm-2:30am, Fri-Sat 3pm-2:30am STARS CABARET Beaverton  36 food 4570 SW Lombard Ave | (503) 350-0868 Mon-Sat 11am-2:00am, Sun 4pm-2am STARS Cabaret bridgeport  50 food 17939 SW McEwan Rd | (503) 726-2403 Mon-Sat 11am-2am, Sun 4pm-2am THE SUNSET STRIP  37 food 10205 SW Park Way | (503) 297-8466 Mon-Fri 11:30am-2:30am, Sat 4pm-2:30am, Sun 5pm-2:30am TOMMY’S TOO  39 food 10335 SE Foster Rd | (503) 774-5220 Daily 11am-2am


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Club U-Wauna  91844 Rulyville Rd / (503) 455-2278 1 Stage, Full Bar, Full Menu Mon-Sat 3pm-2am

c o o s b ay

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Bachelor’s inn  63721 Edwards Rd / (541) 266-8827 1 Stage, Full Bar, Full Menu Mon-Sat 4pm-2am, Sun 6pm-2am

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Adult Shop  2315 9th St NW / (541) 754-7039 Videos, Magazines, Books, Novelties, Arcade, Lingerie 10am-2am / 7 Days

EXIT 256

WEST SALEM MARKE

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KU adam & eve  F 4635 Commercial St SE / (503) 763-6020 Lingerie, Clothing, Books, Gifts, Novelties Mon-Thu 10am-10pm, Fri-Sat 10am-11pm Sun 12pm-8pm Adult Shop  A 155 Lancaster Dr SE / (503) 585-8288 Videos, Magazines, Multi Ch. Arcade, Lingerie 24 Hours / 7 Days Adult Shop  B 3113 River Rd / (503) 390-4371 Videos, Magazines, Multi Ch. Arcade, Lingerie 10am-Mid / 7 Days Adult Shop  C 2410 Mission St S / (503) 763-3556 Videos, Magazines, Multi-Ch. Arcade, Lingerie 24 Hours / 7 Days Bob’s Adult Books  D 3815 State St / (503) 363-3846 Adult Books, Videos, 63 Ch. Arcade and Mini-theatre 9am-2am / 7 Days Cheetahs XXX Cabaret  M 3453 Silverton Rd NE / (503) 581-7343 18+ Juice Bar, Full Menu Sun-Tue & Thu 7pm-2am, Fri-Sat 7pm-4am Eva’s Boutique  E 5530 Commercial St SE / (503) 763-6754 3593 Silverton Rd NE / (503) 385-8111 Lingerie, Clothing, Books, Gifts, Novelties Mon-Thu 10am-12am, Fri-Sat 10am-2am G THe Firehouse Cabaret  5782 Portland Rd NE / (503) 393-4782 Full Bar, Full Menu, Lottery Mon-Sat 12pm-2:30am, Sun 6pm-2:30am H Hard candy  940 Commercial St NE / (503) 365-2802 Full Bar, Full Menu, 2 Stages Mon-Sat 12pm-2:30am, Sun 4pm-2:30am

32 exotic magazine

I presley’s playhouse  3803 Commercial St SE / (503) 371-1565 Full Bar, Full Menu, Light-Up Dance Floor And Pole 2pm-2:30am / 7 Days J Spice Video  3473 Silverton Rd / (503) 370-7080 Videos, Magazines, Multi Ch. Arcade 24 Hours / 7 Days K Stars Cabaret  1550 Weston Ct NE / (503) 370-8063 Full Bar, Full Menu, Sports Room, 4 Stages Mon-Sat 11am-2:30am, Sun 4pm-2:30am L Sweethearts Lingerie Modeling  3453 Silverton Rd NE / (503) 581-7343 Lingerie Modeling 24 Hours / 7 Days N Vixens  3815 State St / (971) 304-7082 Lingerie Modeling 24 Hours / 7 Days

a lb a n y

A dult Shop  3404 Spicer Dr SE / (541) 812-2522 Videos, Magazines, Books, Novelties, Arcade, Lingerie 24 Hours / 7 Days

a s t o ri a

A nnie’s Saloon  2897 Marine Dr / (503) 325-2746 Beer & Wine, 1 Stage Tue-Sat 5pm-2:30am

bend

Imagine That  197 NE Third St / (541) 312-8100 Videos, Magazines, Toys, Body Jewelry, Novelty Gifts 24 Hours / 7 Days

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Pleasure World  1843 NE 3rd St / (541) 317-9723 Videos, Novelties, Lingerie, Books 24 Hours / 7 Days Stars Cabaret  197 NE 3rd St / (541) 388-4081 Full Bar, Full Menu, Beautiful Dancers Mon-Sat 11am-2am, Sun 4pm-2am

xmag.com

Adult Shop  290 River Rd / (541) 688-5411 Videos, Magazines, Books, Novelties, Arcade, Lingerie 24 Hours / 7 Days Adult Shop  720 Garfield St / (541) 345-2873 Videos, Magazines, Books, Novelties, Arcade, Lingerie Mon-Thurs 8am-12am, Fri-Sat 24 Hours Adult Shop  86784 Franklin Blvd / (541) 636-3203 Videos, Magazines, Books, Multi Ch. Arcade, Novelties, Lingerie 8am-Mid / 7 Days B & b Distributors  710 W 6th Ave / (541) 683-8999 Videos, Arcade, Clothing, Novelties, Viewing Room 24 Hours / 7 Days THE NILE  1030 Highway 99 N / (541) 688-1869 Bar, Food, Dancers Mon-Sat 12pm-2am, Sun 3pm-12am Silver Dollar Club  2620 W 10th Pl / (541) 485-2303 Beer & Wine, Food, 3 Stages Mon-Sat 11:30am-2:30am, Sun 6pm-2:30am

g e rv a i s

Last Chance Saloon  7650 Checkerboard Ct / (503) 792-5100 Full Bar, Lottery, 1 Stage Mon-Sat 12pm-2:30am, Sun 1pm-2:30am

k l a m at h f a ll s

The Alibi  5711 S 6th St / (541) 882-0145 1 Stage, Beer and Wine, Lottery Mon-Sat 3pm-2:30am, Sun 3pm-12am

li n c o l n cit y

Imagine That Ii  2159 NW Highway 101, Suite C (541) 996-6600 Videos, Magazines, Toys, Body Jewelry, Novelty Gifts Sun-Thu 10am-10pm, Fri-Sat 10am-12am

medford

Adult Land  2755 South Pacific Highway / (541) 770-5493 Videos, Magazines, Toys, Novelties, Arcade, Lingerie Mon-Thu 9am-10pm, Fri & Sat 10am-12am, Sun 10am-9pm Adult Shop  261 Barnett Rd / (541) 772-5220 Videos, Magazines, Books, Novelties, Arcade, Lingerie 24 Hours / 7 Days

Adult Shop  3340 North Pacific Highway / (541) 776-9964 Videos, Magazines, Toys, Novelties, Clothes Mon-Thu 10am-9pm, Fri & Sat 10am-10pm, Closed On Sundays Castle Megastore  1113 Progress Dr / (541) 608-9540 Videos, Magazines, Toys, Novelties, Clothes 9am-1am / 7 Days The Office  1 South Riverside / (541) 772-4079 Full Bar, Full Menu, Lottery Mon-Fri 12pm-2am, Sat & Sun 2pm-2am

n e w p o rt

Spice Video  611 SW Coast Highway / (541) 574-6969 Videos, Magazines, Multi-Channel Arcade 24 Hours / 7 Days

redmond

Big T’s  413 SW Glacier Ave / (541) 504-3864 2 Stages, Full Bar, Full Menu, Lottery, Pool 3pm-2:30am / 7 Days

ric e h ill

Adult Shop  45 Miles South Of Eugene (Rice Hill Exit #148 Off Of I-5) 726 John Long Rd / (541) 849-3344 Videos, Magazines, Books, Novelties, Arcade, Lingerie 24 Hours / 7 Days

roseburg

filled with fun  2498 Old Highway 99E S / (541) 957-3741 Novelties, Videos, Arcade, Toys, Magazines Mon-Sat 9am-12am, Sun Noon-Mid

s pri n g fi e l d

B & B Adult Video  2289 Olympic St / (541) 726-7317 Videos, Arcade, Clothing, Novelties, Viewing Room 24 Hours / 7 Days Brick House  136 4th St / (541) 988-1612 Full Bar, Full Menu, Dancers, 1 Stage, 2 Cages Mon-Sat 3pm-2:30am Castle Megastore  3270 Gateway / (541) 988-9226 Videos, Magazines, Toys, Novelties, Clothes Sun-Thu 8am-2am, Fri & Sat 8am-3am Club 1444  1444 Main St / (541) 726-7299 Full Bar, Full Menu, Dancers And 1 Stage Mon-Sat 12pm-2:30am, Sun 3pm-2:30am Exclusively Adult  1166 South A St / (541) 726-6969 Videos, Mags, Clothes, Novelties, Arcade 24 Hours / 7 Days Spyce Gentlemen’s Club  1195 Main St Shakers Bar And Grill  1195 Main St / (541) 736-5177 Full Bar, Full Menu, Dancers 12pm-2:30am / 7 Days sweet illusions  1836 South A St / (541) 762-1503 Full Bar, Full Menu, Lottery, 2 Stages Mon-Sat 12pm-2:15am

t h e d a ll e s

Adult Shop  3506 W 6th St / (541) 298-1874 Videos, Magazines, Books, Novelties, Arcade, Lingerie 8am-2am / 7 Days

u m atill a

the riverside  1501-6th St / (541) 922-4112 2 Stages, Full Bar, Lottery, Full Menu, Tue-Thu 4pm-2:30am, Fri 11am-2:30am, Sat & Sun 12pm-2:30am, Closed Mon Adult Entertainment: 6pm-2am

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why do men have nipples? The short answer: During early fetal development, we are all “bisexual.” The chromosomes related to sex, don’t impact the developing fetus until after nipples have already developed. With the right hormonal adjustments, males can breastfeed. Why? Because men and women have the same parts. But, men don’t just have barren nipples—the milk ducts are functional—they are simply dormant. If you’re not familiar with “Witch’s Milk”, I’ll leave you to that research. Perhaps you can accept that men do, in fact, have nipples—but, the idea that men and women have the same parts seems outrageous. Well, let’s get down to pussies and dicks. As we are developing in the womb, we are equipped with all the parts we will need for female or male sex organs. More often than not, the fetus develops a primary urogenital system (male or female), but we all retain traces of the other system. Some people develop both systems and many develop various combinations. The term “intersex” is used to describe the overlapping genital systems. When a child is born, the doctor announces the sex of the baby, usually. Biological or “natal” sex is determined by five factors present at birth: The presence or absence of a Y chromosome The type of gonads (testis or ovaries) The sex hormones The internal reproductive anatomy (i.e. uterus) The external genitalia Sometimes, doctors can’t ascertain the sex of the newborn visually. While they can look for other markers we use to identify, such situations have historically resulted in surgeries on newborns, to make their genitalia conform to one of the two sex categories. Sometimes, these newborns are not operated on. Sometimes, you go on Reddit and see the picture of the guy with diphalia (something tells me you did). Intersex generally refers to genitalia, whereas the term hermaphrodite actually has to do with reproductive function. Hey asshole, before you get all judgy-wudgy… let’s talk about the flowers of flowering plants: The flower itself contains the sex organs/ reproductive systems of the flowering plant. I’d like to believe everyone knows all of this, but just in

case, I am going to review. Flowers look like vaginas because they are vaginas—plant vaginas. Flowers produce ovules (think ovum or egg). Flowers also produce sperm. Pollen is the jizz of the flowers. Bees are basically the plant world’s cum dumpsters. When the flower’s sperm successfully gets transferred to another flower and sperm meets ovule, a hardened seed is formed, which may then grow into a flower. It is important to point out, that there are a variety of hermaphroditic flowers. Many flowering plants have both reproductive capabilities. Why? Well if you understand evolution, you understand that species with binary reproductive systems (male/ female) are all the distant offspring of hermaphroditic reproduction. Think about it—scientists believe we’ve evolved from a single-celled organism, not two opposite-sex-single celled organisms fucking! It is even more important to consider why we aren’t a hermaphroditic or asexual species. By having each organism contribute a gamete consisting of 23 chromosomes, it takes a species less time to reproduce advantageous variances of traits than it would if the species were asexual. Gamete = male and female germ cells or “sperm” and “ovum” While male and female gametes are the same type of cells, they are largely opposites: Differences sperm

ovum

smallest human cell

largest human cell

long life span

short life span

storable

not storable

less with age

more with age

straight shape

round shape

open

closed

millions

one

kept relatively cold

kept warm

formed in puberty

formed before birth

mobile

not mobile

Reminder about chromosomes: XX = female | XY = male As a rule, the eggs produced by women contain an X chromosome. Sperm can carry either an X or a Y chromosome. It should be noted, that there are chromosomal variations beyond the binary of XX and XY—they are just uncommon.

Anyway, pussies and dicks. The tissue dedicated to the head of the dick, or the glans penis is the same tissue that makes up the clitoris, or glans clitoris; we generally don’t think of the clit and the head as the same, but the reality is, that they are homologous. We think the clit is tiny, but it extends internally along the sides of the vagina (which is why many people with vaginas enjoy stimulation on the sides of their vaginas). Homologous = having the same or a similar relation; corresponding, as in relative position or structure. The shaft of the penis (corpus cavernosum penis) is also a part of the structure of the vagina (corpus cavernosum clitoridis). They are homologous. It’s expandable erectile tissue that fills with blood. I’d also like to point out, that much like the penis, the vagina is a “potential space.” When people have male to female gender reassignment surgery, the glans and shaft tissue of the penis is used for the constructed clitoris/vagina. Penis tissue is inverted into the body, and once hormonal alterations are made via medication, the cells in the new vagina adapt and the vagina can become capable of self-lubrication (just like the nipples of a male, which produce milk with the right hormonal balance). You know what else is homologous? The G-spot and the prostate…G-spot stimulation will allow women to ejaculate, as women produce ejaculate, just no sperm. So, prostate stimulation and g-spot stimulation are both wildly pleasurable for the same reason. Here is a hint, it’s not because those who enjoy it are gay. The testicles and ovaries are no different either. That’s right. They come from the same source. However, there are some exceptions. The female fallopian tubes, male epididymis and vas deferens, while serving similar functions, are not considered homologous, but they are analogous. I want to stress that while we may traditionally think that the world is filled with males and females, it is actually filled with inies and outies, but also in betweenies. There are variations in size and structure, but the penis and vagina are quite similar. I also want to stress, that it is a scientific fact that flowers are the vaginas of flowering plants and that pollen is jizz.

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Scorpio

form.

Cancer

Aries

(MARCH 20 – APRIL 19) Some people have a bad habit of falling in love on dates. You, on the other hand, have a bad habit of falling, period, during all dates. If you’re going to show up drunk to Applebee’s and expect some sort of fancy-schmancy treatment from a potential suitor, at least be sure to park your car a few feet away from the window you just “tapped” with your bumper. Clean any and all excess bodily fluid (including vomit) off of your jeans, before asking your date if they make you look fat. And, just once in a while, offer to apologize to the waitress after you curse her out for refusing to serve you “one of those fucking curly straw-whipped cream, boozey juices.”

Taurus

(APRIL 20 – MAY 20) Normally, finding yourself doing the “not the father” dance during the filming of an episode of The Maury Povich Show would be a good thing. However, you were an audience member when it happened. Plus, it was during a taping of Montel Williams and an exposé on child trafficking. Free tickets, sure...but Taurus, at least do some research if you plan on flying to Chicago to be part of the studio audience. That, or just go on Price Is Right high on ‘shrooms, like that skateboard rabbi dude.

Gemini

(MAY 21 – JUNE 20) In the modern age of open-mindedness, respect for transgendered individuals is becoming more commonplace. Men who identify as women and women who identify as men, are allotted the same respect for access and permission granted to self-identified genders, as their birth-gender-identified peers. You may choose to identify as a man, or a woman, but you cannot argue over permission to use the assigned restroom in a private business by “identifying as a boss.” We are at least two decades away from being able to achieve “baller status” on taxes, Gemini, at least in the non-numerical

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(JUNE 21 – JULY 22) It is a proven fact that tears can transmit AIDS. So, if a friend tells you that he or she just tested positive for the HIV virus, do you let them cry on your shoulder? Only if you’re strong enough to keep from tearing up, should you even consider the risk. And Cancer, you’re not strong enough. This week, when a close friend comes to you with their horrible news, laugh it off. They might get really pissed and hurt and all that shit, but you weren’t that good of a friend to begin with in the first place.

Leo

(JULY 23 – AUGUST 22) You’re going about Pride Week all wrong, Leo, and perhaps misinterpreting the meaning of its name entirely. There is nothing wrong with healthy self-confidence, but if you’re going to chest-bump strangers and call them “faggot,” make sure you don’t accidentally commit a hate crime and suicide at the same time. If you want to treat your ego, go out for ice cream instead.

Virgo

(AUGUST 23 – SEPTEMBER 22) According to Fox News’ interpretations of the Muslim faith, terrorists have, like, a shitton of virgins waiting for them when they die. Your astrological sign is that of virginity, and although that tight little gash may be waiting on the right coal miner to bang around for your gold, you better pop that cherry before you kick the bucket. Otherwise, when you die, a bunch of ethnically-ambiguous guys with scary names and unfamiliar cultural behaviors, will fill you out like applications for fake passports.

Libra

(SEPTEMBER 23 – OCTOBER 22) Libra, you are the sign of balance. Right now, your balance is roughly $700.00 and the front desk would appreciate it if you would close out before ruining another mattress with cigarette burns and oddly-unidentifiable fluids.

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(OCTOBER 23 – NOVEMBER 21) Ruthless swarms of poisonous insects inhabit most parts of Australia. You may be sitting inside a diner in Sydney, or enjoying a walk on the beach near that other Australian city, and there will be, like, tons of fucking scorpions just chillin’ there, like, “Bitch, you ever had scorpion dick?” People who live in Australia, are used to being surrounded by lethal bugs—knowing that they are just part of day-to-day life. To put it bluntly, being your friend is a lot like living in Australia, Scorpio. With the exception, that no one would ever make a movie about you.

Sagittarius

(NOVEMBER 22 – DECEMBER 21) Month after month, I shit these Erotiscopes out like Taco Bell after a toilet-paperless camping trip. Each individual sign has enough folklore and/or pop culture bullshit associated with it, allowing me to be all, “ayo Libra, stop being so wishy-washy… ayo Pisces, put down the drink” etcetera. For some reason, ‘Sag, I just cannot bring myself to care enough about your sign to make a decent prediction regarding your astrological well-being. In a way, this actually says more than any horoscope could. You are officially the tofu of the zodiac, Sagittarius. I even had to spell check your name, and I’ve been doing this shit for nearly a year.

Capricorn

(DECEMBER 22 – JANUARY 20) Money isn’t everything. Having money is everything. Get that money, even if it means you have to make irreversibly, bad decisions and/ or harm the ones you love in the process. The ends may not justify the means, but you gotta be mean to get those ends. Nahmean?

Aquarius

(JANUARY 21 – FEBRUARY 18) Last month, you read a different horoscope column, and it told you to take a leap of faith. Now, you belong to one of those get-up-anddance snake charmer churches in the south. This is what you get for going behind my back, you ungrateful Aquarian. I hope you feel like shit and I hope you know how bad it hurts me to have to say this. I love you. I’m sorry. Baby, I’m not mad…really.

Pisces

(FEBRUARY 19 – MARCH 19) Your birthday was two months ago. Stop asking for free drinks.


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Lesbian threesome. Interracial blowjobs. Group sex. I’m perusing porn categories as the calendar reminder dings on my cell phone calendar app—a note to begin working on an Exotic magazine submission. Time to quit screwing around watching people screw each other and get to work. March 3rd was International Sex Workers’ Rights Day. This annual event was launched in 2001, when 25,000 sex workers gathered in India to mobilize against the government’s attempted revocation of work permits. Today, the primary goal is to remove the stigma from the sex work trade. In Portland, this year’s celebration took place at the historic Star Theater in downtown, by sex-positive feminists of all categories. While prostitution has been called the world’s oldest profession, feminism is a relatively new social construct—one which originated in America only 200 years ago, in the Seneca Falls Convention of 1848, where mostly Quaker women drafted a declaration for the right to hold property, vote and earn equal wages as their male counterparts. Nearly a century later, 20th century ladies, now known as the Suffragettes, succeeded in securing a woman’s right to vote, in 1920. The midcentury advent of men’s lifestyle magazines and film pornography set the stage for a shift in the focus of gender arguments. Sex and sexuality became a larger focus of the gender rights movement, when second-wave feminists in the 60s and 70s argued that pornography and sex work were acts of violence against women. There was a movement by females to defeminize females—associating female sexuality with subjugation and submissiveness. The 90s Barbie Girl movement, then challenged those ideals by encouraging women to be equally non-stigmatized by having and enjoying sex and this is the concept still held by sex-positive feminists today. The current movement of sexpositive feminists include many notable pornographic actresses and models, such as Stoya, Belladonna, Nina Hartley and approximately half of the strippers in 40 exotic magazine

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Portland. The stance is one of free will and the power of consent and that crazy idea that each person has ownership over their own body. Sex workers took to Twitter last year with the hashtag, #NotYourRescueProject, in an effort to mobilize and communicate the frustration with being labeled a victim, rather than a consenting adult of the sex trade. The simple idea of feminist sex workers is this—it’s my body and I can do with it what I choose. On the opposite side of this spectrum, are extreme radical feminists—such as, one group known simply as “RadFem.” Current day extremely radical feminists are rare, and their views are disturbing. RadFem has stated that all Penis-In-Vagina (PIV) sex is rape and that any intercourse between men and women is a violation of a vagina. This group is also transphobic and considers transgender individuals to be traitors to biologically-born women. Such an exercise in narrow-mindedness almost seems satirical and deserves little attention. Men-loving, sex- positive feminists, like myself, consider RadFem to be a brand of Fauxminism, and I’d rather not waste the lactic acid in my fingertips to type a rebuttal. I’ll save my bodily fluids for all that PIV sex I hope to have later. It is a testament to the conservative indoctrination of our society, when autonomy over one’s own body is questioned. I want to eat organic food. I want to pierce my nose. I want to insert a glass butt plug and wear it while grocery shopping. I want to dance naked for strangers as a primary source of income. [Dear RadFems, I definitely just took a typing break to watch PIV porn and masturbate myself to climax, as I often do. All hail RedTube.com!] Back to the point, the plight of millions of humans worldwide, trapped by their conditions and forced to work sexually certainly should not be ignored. #NotYourRescueProject is purposefully aimed at enlightening the general public that pointless exercises in stigmatizing consented sex work, does not help people who are actually being victimized. Violations against sex workers should never

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be considered acceptable. If a construction worker loses a hand while clocked in, it is a tragedy. If a prostitute is raped by a client or a non-client, it is a tragedy. If a firefighter dies in the line of duty, it is a tragedy. Why would one insult or injury be deemed acceptable and not the other? Sexpositive feminists and true humanists, do not ensure that good working conditions are only selective to non-sexual types of work. Most sex trafficking victims, globally, are not white, educated or aware that there is such a movement. A stripper in Portland, who can use her g-strings as a tax writeoff doesn’t need rescuing—pre-pubescent girls in India, who are kept in brothels, most certainly do. The progress being made in other countries is slow, or perhaps none. But Portland sex workers will come together and celebrate our unity and our pride in this beautiful industry and all of the liberation we have realized because of it. “The world is full of women who’d tell me I should be ashamed of myself if they had the chance. Quit dancing. Get some self-respect and a day job. Right. And minimum wage and varicose veins, just standing in one place for eight hours behind a glass counter bundled up to the neck, instead of naked as a meat sandwich. Selling gloves or something. Instead of what I do sell. You have to have talent to peddle a thing so nebulous and without material form. Exploited, they’d say. Yes, any way you cut it, but I have a choice of how—and I’ll take the money.” Margaret Atwood, Helen of Troy Does Countertop Dancing


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Last month, I moved away from Portland, like a black family who just won a scratch-it ticket. It has been nothing but amazing living eight hours away from urban goat farms and shitty vegan food carts. However, there is a notable lack of strip clubs in Humboldt County. Taking into account a career portfolio that includes a column in a stripper magazine, random odd jobs involving doing favors for strippers, DJing at strip clubs and doing roles in movies about strippers, it became painfully clear, painfully quick, that I needed to do what all career DJs do when they turn 34—wedding gigs. Luck struck— I got booked at a ceremony-slash-reception and I found myself… pretty much exactly where I was in Portland. See, there are very few differences between the poles and the pews, at least in terms of poor decisions being made by women, who pay a DJ to broadcast them in one fashion or another. Here is proof, as illustrated by five examples that show how strip clubs and wedding chapels are, from a DJ’s perspective, basically the same gig:

PUBLICLY STATED LIES ARE ACCEPTED AS COMMONPLACE

When taking into account the sheer amount of bald-faced dishonesty that occurs in either setting, differences between private dance areas and alters become even more ambiguous. “Do you promise to love and worship this person, through thick and thin, sickness and health, for the rest of your life?” “Can you tell me I’m the hottest guy you’ve ever seen, for the next three songs?” These phrases become interchangeable at weddings and strip clubs. Whether bachelor dance or bachelor walk, it is just as unlikely that a crowd of so-called “close friends” will pull their ‘brah off of the woman he temporarily loves. As far as the brides go, it is just as heart wrenching for a father to watch his daughter take a new last name, as it is for him to watch her take a stage name.

TOSSING ITEMS OF CLOTHING ELICITS CHILDLIKE REACTIONS IN DRUNK ADULTS

You can take a distracted, disorganized group of grownups, toss something with self-assigned value into their general direction, step back and watch them fight for it like they were starving Somalians witnessing a food drop. At the strip clubs, dancers will often remove items of clothing that have been visibly soaked with ass-sweat, mashed into bar stools and wiped with excess drinks. Sometimes, they toss these items at patrons— who for whatever disgusting Freudian reason, catch (and often keep) them. At weddings, virtually the same items are removed and hurled into a group of rabid, Sutter Home-soaked singles, but instead of stripper sweat and half-burnt ashtray potpourri, they are met with the burden of being the next to get hitched. No one can actually explain the appeal of having to explain to their wives, where the Pabstsoaked Hello Kitty G-string came from, but on the same token, most guys don’t want to have to explain to a hot-ass stripper where their oh-shit-Icaught-a-garter-belt-and-now-I-have-to-get-mar42 exotic magazine

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ried-to-a-shitfaced-bridesmaid engagement ring came from.

GAGGLES OF SIMILARLY-GENDERED PEERS ROOT THE PROCESS OF BAD DECISION MAKING

If you’ve ever had a friend close enough to have long, serious discussions regarding life advice or personal matters, you also know that this same friend will also encourage you to make the shittiest decisions ever, at least when it comes to your love life. Then, after you make these decisions, that same friend, will try to say they warned you. In extreme cases, he or she will sneak behind your back and cop a feel on the same person you supposedly loved just moments ago. When you take four or five of these particular friends, fill them full of liquor and introduce them to each other, the bad decisions are magnified. A good bachelor(ette) party transitions seamlessly into a wedding reception before, over the course of many years, transitioning back into a good bachelor(ette) party. A bad bachelor(ette) party will have the opposite effect.

FATHER-DAUGHTER DANCES ARE AWKWARD, NO MATTER THE CONTEXT

Perhaps, it may be a little awkward to learn that the girl on stage at the strip club is, whether through blood or marriage, able to call the guy at the bar “daddy,” but folks should just accept that father-daughter dances are always creepy—inside or outside of the titty bar. At the last wedding I DJ’d, the bride and her dad danced to a song called “I Loved Her First.” Not only was this boner-killer a country song, but at no point in the lyrics was it clear whether or not Johnny P. Cowboy (I forget who sings the tune) loved the girl in question “first,” as in “hospital room first” or “popped cherry first” (or both). Regardless, the endlessly-creepy undertones of “dances with daddy” permeate chapels and non-denominational wedding halls with just as much sleaze as they do the strip clubs.

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SOME PEOPLE DO IT JUST FOR DIAPERS

The only difference is, that at weddings, guests give diapers directly to the bride, without the assistance of a middleman. This needs to change. It’s 2014 and Portland is a so-called “progressive” city. It’s not uncommon to see boxes of Pampers sitting next to the pile of blenders, toasters and other nonsexualized marital aids given to the newlyweds by their guests. If, in a “formal” environment where dirty looks are given to the DJ for playing Too Live Crew (or for hitting on bridesmaids, cursing, pocketing airplane-sized champagne bottles, etc.), it is socially acceptable to give a probably-not-showing-yet-if-she-is-pregnant woman a box of baby shit catchers as a gift, why wouldn’t a box-o’Huggies be a welcome tip to strippers? Even if the dancer hugging your favorite pole is three abortions away from even conceiving a child, chances are good that she has a friend backstage that is either paying a babysitter or germinating a stomach seed. Just remember the rule— one diaper, per person, per song.


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Leia was bored in her dorm room, when inspiration struck. She decided to take two hits of acid (more than she had done in her life at this point) and walk around downtown until it kicked in. Barhopping, she meets some new friends—a delightful gay couple named Han and Chewie. Unfortunately, she also met a very annoying guy named Luke. Luke just wouldn’t leave Leia alone. It got bad enough, that Leia tried to lose him, so she could get him out of her face. He had no concept of personal space. If Luke had game, he left it at home that night. It was while trying to ditch Luke, that Leia met a very well-dressed (but obviously drunk) Lando on a park bench. So, Leia started striking up a conversation with Lando, in hopes of getting Luke off her ass. Having just met Lando and very much on acid, she decides to take this guy back to her room to escape Luke. Not looking a gift horse in the mouth, Lando follows happily. Leia realizes that time is a factor before she starts hearing colors, so the two start having sex immediately. All is going well, with the exception of the fact that Lando is flipping Leia way more than normal. He would consistently fuck for a little bit, flip Leia on her stomach, fuck for a little bit, flip Leia on her back and so on and so forth. On a particularly forceful flip to her stomach, is when it turned bad. Leia cracked her nose on the corner of her dresser next to the bed. This would understandably be terribly upsetting to anybody— even more so while frying on acid. She got hit so hard, she literally saw stars, but since she had been seeing those same stars moments earlier, there actually wasn’t much of a change there. Leia jumps up to her mirror to see if her nose is broken. Lando, being more a man of action up to this point, (specifically the action of almost breaking her nose) speaks up and says, “What’s your name again?” This is too much for Leia’s hallucinating mind to handle. Meeting a drunk guy on a park bench is one thing, but after 45 minutes he can’t remember her name, that’s a whole different can of worms. It didn’t seem to bother Lando too much, as he had passed out awkwardly on the bed, leaving Leia alone, now peaking on acid. Out of options, Leia chats with her big, burly friend, Vader, on the Internet. She devised a genius plan to have Vader pretend to be her boyfriend and boot Lando to the curb. After 20 minutes of getting a still-drunk Lando dressed, they did exactly that. Vader was nice enough to play nurse for Leia, as she finished her trip staring at her carpet. She still sees Lando every so often but hasn’t talked with him again. 46 exotic magazine

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College is often referred to as the best of times in a young person’s life. A place, where a young mind grows and a young body can experiment. The thing with experiments is, sometimes, the experiment blows up in your face. That’s what I’m interested in— the freaky-failed-fucking found in formative foundations. Both of the Adventures In Bad Sex I have for you this month, took place in college dorm rooms. In order to protect the names of those involved and to celebrate “May the 4th be with you,” the names have been changed to characters from one of the most iconic sci-fi movie franchises.

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Anakin had been dating Padme for a couple of months. Padme is described to me as a very cute, but a hairy lady with thick, dark, curly, Italian hair in abundance, all over her body. She shaved, but it would take forever and was a huge pain in the ass. Her parents felt so guilty for the genetics they passed on to their little princess, that for a graduation present, Padme was gifted laser hair removal. She then chose for her armpits, vagina, and legs to be hairless forever. One night, like any other, Anakin invited Padme over to his dorm room for the night. Early that next morning Padme sneaked out to get some of her hair zapped off. She managed to get back in bed before Anakin wakes up and the two started cuddling as couples do. The cuddling led to making out, and making out led to Anakin heading down south. Armed with a game plan (uppercase letters and if more attention is needed, switch to lowercase) he grabs his snorkel and starts muff diving. After around uppercase “E,” Anakin notices his mouth feels kinda funny. Focused on the task at hand, he continues the alphabet. At “M” and “N,” Anakin’s mouth is totally numb. He pokes his head up from the covers and says, “Mouf iv goebing num. Whaz going on?” Padme gasps. She explains that for laser hair removal, because it’s so painful, they rub a numbing agent on the area they are putting the laser to. Padme rushes into the bathroom and washes the cream off. Had she bothered to do that in the first place, Anakin wouldn’t feel like he just went to the dentist. After washing up, they eventually start having sex. It could have ended on a high point, but due to Anakin’s numbed- up mouth, he drooled all over her like a hungry basset hound. The relationship only lasted a few months after that. After Anakin and Padme broke, they would occasionally get together for some hairless nookie. Anakin felt everything those times, but will always have his adventure in bad sex.

If reading these stories knocked a memory loose of one of your laughably-bad sex stories and you would like to be interviewed to be a story in Adventures In Bad Sex, I’d love to hear it. Email me a brief rundown of your bad sex story to BadSex@xmag.com. Photo by Scooter Curl


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