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Is reading Palatinate as harmful as taking ecstasy? Conundurham, page 13

Durham Fascist Show 2013: Jewish you were this stylish... Conundurham, page ‘45

Conundurham Procrastinate now! Students enthused by new satirical paper

News Roundup DU rowing social scandal Intense drinking games reveal coxes to be “a bunch of lightweights” who rely on a good stroke. Hill accused of being too straight Survey conducted by LGBT association revealed that many Durham students found the hill to be too linear with no opportunities for deviation from the norm.

Photo: Diligent student enjoying the library facilities foreign affairs, national politiBy Anita Pastime cal stories, and all those things There were scenes of mounting that the conscientious Durham confusion today across the city student pretends to know about, of Durham, where the release of this new paper will ruffle featha new, satirical, student paper ers unashamedly. Asked for comment on this development, “This is quite a senior source within Palatinate said: “This is quite clearly a joke. clearly a joke” Who are you and why are you Senior member of Palatinate in my kitchen?”. Unfortunately the Tab Durham were unahas been met with almost no vailable for comment, instead outcry. Conundurham, not even dribbling over their keyboards, a little affiliated to Palatinate, glued to the latest edition of has sidled onto the scene like Men’s Health. Responses from an ex-boyfriend at a wedding. students have been more mixed: Dealing not only with issues of geographical closeness, but also Thursday 14th March FREE No. 1

With Palatinate’s editorial line becoming ever stricter, and the

university clamping down on basic liberties such as running naked across Palace Green, a champion of the people was needed. A champion to make sure that never again would students have to fear being sued for publishing libellous material. A champion to keep tabs on our athletes, our icons, and those people that we sometimes see around college, but don’t really know their names, even though we say hello anyway. That champion died in Venezuela last week. You’ve got us instead.

“I thought satyr was a type of faun” Durham Classics Student

Purple chinos “the new red chinos” Our fashion editor on how the chinos she used to wear to be cool are now really overused and uncool. Also next season’s hot new trend: red cords Ustinov College to be refurbished After extensive student feedback, Ustinov Principal Rea Llyold has given the go ahead for major investment in college infrastructure. Starting in Easter term, chairlifts and walk-in baths will be fitted across the graduate college.

Voucher FREE Entry to Klute before 11pm!



Durham has long been bereft of a much needed satirical rag. It was for this reason that our esteemed organ, Conundurham, was born. Despite many fine journalistic and artistic publications to grace the cobbled streets of our fair city, the marked absence of satire must be observed. Mostly Harmless was the most recent incarnation of Durham’s streak for cheek. Sadly, production died

out in Michaelmas 2010. We hope they will receive these jibes in good humour. In short, we at Conundurham sought to fill this void It must be noted that Coand become the new gadfly nundurham is not affilifor this city, our Athens of ated with any Durham the North East. Much of the society or groups. Indeed, content is unabashadly Dur- we are entirely self-fundham-centric: the unique- ed and wish to remain ness and eccentricities of anonymous. If you are Durham and her colleges are interested in advertising something to be celebrated. with us in the next ediWe try our best to poke fun tion or writing for us, get at Durham life, not least our in contact via our email: high-brow cousin Palatinate and somewhat lower-brow relative The Durham Tab. Socrates (Editor-in-Chief)

Letters and Corrections Letters

words (+/- 10%), doublespaced. Dear Sir, Yours subtly, I am coming to the end of a Sarah Tonin, Hild Bede large-scale satirical project. Might there be any space Dear Sir, on your editorial board in I understand the code time for the next edition? that you wrote in the adYours, verts for Conundurham. I Robert G. Mugabe have secured a live piglet and am sat in the CatheDear Sir, dral’s graveyard awaiting My roommate is really further instructions. messy, and I hate how she Forever yours, never cleans up after herIan Sane, Mary’s self. I’m not one to be rude and confront her about Dear Conundurham, it, but I hope that this letBy the time you read this ter shames her into doing letter, I will have cansomething. celled my subscription. (Up) yours, I have found a newspaPasifa Gressiv, Castle, 28b per that gives me news North Bailey (Room 23) in ways you can only dream of. It informs me Dear Sir, of events like I’ve never I would love to hear what been informed before. you have to say about how You might know it, it’s nuclear proliferation has called the Tab, and I’m impacted on the concept of moving to Cambridge to Aquinian just war theory. be with it. I’m so sorry. Preferably in about 2,000


Contents 14.03.2013 No. 1

Durham News: pages 3-5 National News: pages 6-8

Yours regretfully, Melissa Bates, Chad’s Dear Sir, Why did you avoid me the other day when you walked across Framwellgate Bridge? I saw you glance up, see it was me, look down again, hoping I hadn’t noticed. But I had. I even walked towards you as you tried to walk around that elderly couple diagonally across the road to escape. I live to make people happy, to make them laugh and it grieves me to see you hurt my fragile feelings in this way. Yours (if you want me), The Joke Book Guy Apologies Today thousands of issues of Palatinate will be distributed throughout Durham, including the library and Elvet Riverside. This is due to a printing error.

International News: page 9 Sport: page 10 Comment: 11 Features: 12

Get in touch

Think you’re funnier than we are? E-mail us for more information at:


Set up a rival paper ...and watch everything that you have ever loved be taken away from you until you are left a pale husk of what you once were.


Fifty shades of John’s



By Patience Saint

has: “I picture her getting all raunchy and stuff, maybe she shows a shoulder or something, I dunno, really really naughty. She’s a minx, you know. Once she like looked at me and touched her hair. Then I touched my hair, and she laughed.

St. John’s College has been gripped by the latest in a series of sex scandals hitting the Bailey’s prestigious colleges following from last week’s devestating discovery of condoms in the welfare office of St. Chad’s College. With ques- “I saw nothing tions still being asked about wrong with it” the qualifications of the Harlot Bonk “rape expert” who delivered “one-on-one” sessions It’s obvious what she wants.’ with students, this could be the straw that breaks In style classic for this type the donkey’s bareback. of sex-demon, when confronted with the shocking In what are being de- images, Bonk stated that scribed as “graphic” images, a John’s pupil has been photographed in a number of lewd positions in and around college, often with By Juan Weil numerous males in attendance. For legal reasons, Har- The sport of unicycling lot Bonk cannot be named, was plunged into chaos but she is reportedly a sen- yesterday after it was reior member of the college vealed that The Unicycle exec, making this revela- Guy has been accused of tion all the more shocking. doping. The allegations are that The Unicycle Guy, performance These photos shows the took drugs formerly saintly Bonk re- enhancing vealing at least two inches in all seven of h i s of calf above her coarse Tour de Durham victories.

3 she “saw nothing wrong with it”, and when pressed, reacted aggressively. She went so far as to point out that on the Hill, girls regularly wear short trousers and aren’t called “sluts” or “whores” or “nymphos” or “harridans” or “succubi” or “ladies of the night”. This paper believes that an example should be made of this poor, misguided, arousing, girl. Have her paraded through the streets, head shaved, with only a strip of cloth covering the offending part of the leg to hide her shame. Only then can we expect to see anything good come of the student body.

Unicycle Guy embroiled in mega doping scandal

woollen socks, and sitting in company with up to two men at a time. In one particularly graphic image, she appears to be both smiling and making eye-contact with an excessively burly, well-groomed prop. One can only imagine the horrific scenes that occurred offcamera. Indeed one fresher

It has been suggested that the bowl of cornflakes he is often spotted with is filled with Erythropoietin and Corticosteroids. One local student said “How else would he be able to get up Crossgate hill without having taken

these drugs!” This news has been particularly tough for young aspiring unicyclists, who are now ashamed to be seen on one wheel. “He put the ‘unaaay’ into unicycling, I am still completely shocked by the news.” The Unicycle Guy denies all allegations. A climbdown is expected in an interview with a Palatinate TV heavyweight later this week.


Policy change sees DUCK in hot water By Harry Mallard

Durham University Charities Kommittee is struggling to find volunteers after it was announced recently that the organisation would be making a switch to local charity work instead of work abroad. The new scheme will see student volunteers helping at soup kitchens within the North East, aiding the homeless, and helping those at Josephine Butler carry their shopping back to college. This has been met with mixed reactions from the students, who on the one hand have said that they would be more likely to donate to such worthwhile causes, but on the other hand, would be unwilling to participate in a char-

ity event where you don’t come home with a suntan. The University have issued a statement strongly advising that the decision be overturned, stating that: ‘Whilst most of our students are affluent enough to go on holiday whenever they choose, DUCK is a necessary platform for our few poor students to enjoy a break, without having to foot the bill’.

ing’ said third year anthropology student, Noah Whey, ‘I’ve already been to Hawaii, Milan and Thailand, so I thought it was time to step aside and let someone else have their turn. Also, I’m not keen on the idea of the immunization shots that are required to venture into the heart of the North East’.

“gruelling work” Peter Puddles defends DUCK

DUCK Manager, Peter Puddles, said that ‘things had to change. DUCK was becoming a joke because people thought that all we ever did was go on holiday, which simply wasn’t true. The work could be rewarding, but really grueling. During a trip to Barbados, we spent an entire half an hour removing waste from the beach before we were able to sunbathe. I won’t be participat-

To counterbalance the disinterest in helping the local community, DUCK has now invited students from international universities to participate in the charity work proposed in the North East, in the hope that they will view it as the exciting holiday that Durham students had previously associated with DUCK.

Durham University admissions test new college allocation scheme


DU Ranking Success By Fred O’Hites

Durham University released a press statement earlier this week expressing its pleasure at the findings by a government agency. “We feel this is a fair and balanced positioning of Durham in the context of other universities and the country” boomed the baritone of Sir Thomas Allen, atop Durham Cathedral’s tower, to the assembled crowds below, his preferred method of conducting a press event. “No doubt students at our ancient university will feel vindicated for the effort that they have made to get here.”

the open” Ordnance Survey placed Durham among the top universities in England, several hundred miles above Cambridge and Oxford. Students were overjoyed with the news. Cassius Churchill-Windsor-Bayly, University College, tells Conundurham: “I’m glad that the lengths that many of us have to endure to get to Durham is finally laid out in the open. Slumming it for three and a half hours on a train after a weekend on the King’s Road ought to be recognised.”


Conundurham 2013 Hospitality Award Nominees: Boxers Beach Taco John Snow Bar Winner: Fighting Cocks

* * Security Guard no match for his own emotions By Emma Motion

Dwayne Pipe, a bouncer at Klute, found himself deeply moved after listening to an entreaty from two Freshers on Wednesday night. Pipe broke down in tears after he heard the plight of the two, related to him in vivid detail by Seb Story, St Mary’s College. Seb and his friend, Justin Case, were separated from the social they were attending that evening, after the latter realized that he had left his driver’s licence back at Mary’s. Pipe, who normally maintains emotional detachment during his work was visibly shaking after having to deliver the grave news that the two would have to

produce some form of valid identification before they could enter. “It was a chilling situation to have to deal with—especially as they’d have to walk all the way back to their college.” Pipe said, pausing for a moment to regain composure “Things like this shouldn’t have to happen, I take no pleasure in turning away students”. New, stringent ID requirements on Durham city clubs and Bailey bars have been imposed recently under pressure from the Master of University College, after it transpired that a sting operation had managed to get several members of hill colleges into the Undie without being challenged.

Unamoosing and YUMconventional By Kay Oss


saying ‘We strongly deny any suggestion that there is cow meat within our beef burgers’ said the statement, ‘Our beef burgers are made of 100% beef, not cow. We cannot make it any clearer, this really is a moot point.’

Today YUM, part of Durham University, released a statement denying the presence of cow in their beef burgers. This comes after speculation of the contents of Yum’s food, embroiling them in the national cow meat scandal. One interviewer raised the point that beef was in fact Sucipicions were raised af- cow’s meat, but this oppoter a continuous chain of sition was quickly quashed cows were seen entering when they were offered an the back the the YUM cafe. unlimited supply of ham One student told Conun- and cheese sandwiches. We durham that her burger will keep tracking this stowas emitting bovine noises. ry to see if it really has legs! Yum released a statement

Badger gives birth in St Aidan’s By Jay Seeyar

has delivof two offmorning in St Aidan’s.

ed”. Word soon got around St Aidan’s, and a general consensus was felt that this was the most exciting thing to happen to Aidan’s since its foundation in 1997.

A spokesman for the college said ‘We strolled in expecting a standard day at the office to find a surprised looking badger with two still blind cubs oblivious to the drama they had creat-

“We love a bit of drama up here in Aidan’s!” said an excitable college Principal, “Baby badgers fit the bill perfectly, what a way to excite the new Fresher intake.”

A badger ered a litter spring this the JCR of


[This is tasteless and unfunny, can we take this out before print, please? —Ed]


Bill Bryson University Library now open for 24 hours a day during summative season



Salmond delivers backhand to Murray


National & International

By Scotty McScotterson

World No. 3 Scottish/British tennis star Andy Murray has been unceremoniously dropped as one of the leading faces of the SNP’s Scottish Independence campaign, for being ‘too British’. The tennis ace, born and raised in Dunblane, is widely known to be British when he’s winning, and Scottish when he’s losing and this dual citizenship has never been questioned – until now. With the player’s recent run of form, reaching the Wimbledon and Australian Open finals, and winning both the Olympic gold medal and the US Open, it seems that Andy Murray has made a decision to be remembered as a British sporting hero.

to drop the ties with Andy to all things that defines our Murray was unavoidable. great country. However, his recent success is frankly a “We used him as a flaming bit of a kick in the teeth for beacon of Scottish sporting us. When he used to botprowess and a ‘true Scot’ in tle it in grand slam tournaments, we at the SNP would rejoice as he was lauded as a “Surely winning and Scotsman in the world media. But now he is a ‘Britsporting success is ish’ hero, his connection anything but Britto Scotland is hugely toxic ish?” for our campaign. Standing Andy Murray, British sporting icon for ‘God Save the Queen’ at the Olympic medal cerall senses of the word. His emony was the final straw. dour demeanour, his mum- He has made his choice. I bling monotones and his wouldn’t be surprised if he pale skin were a testament now has a British Passport.”

“Kick in the teeth” Alex “Slamond”

Andy Murray’s PR SpokesAlex Salmond shows off his ball skills man was quick to deny his alleged change of nationality, arguing that “surely winning and sporting success is anything but British? In fact, if anything it is probIN ably considered unpatriotic anti-British behaviour.”

EU Referendum

However, this has apparently not been enough to satisfy Alex Salmond, and a statement released by Douglas MacDougall on behalf of the SNP’s Independence campaign, says that the decision



Fiscal Cliff to become UNESCO World Heritage Site


By Carlo Ponzi Environmental campaigners in Washington DC are celebrating today after UNESCO confirmed that it would be designating the Fiscal Cliff a World Heritage Site, in the hope that it can be preserved for future generations to enjoy. The announcement comes as the Fiscal Cliff faces an increasingly uncertain future, with both Democrat and Republican politicians defying calls from environmentalists to protect what has become one of the USA’s most recog-

nised landmarks, and instead continue to push through legislation that would lead to the removal of the Cliff altogether.

“It really gives you the willies” Dr Armitage on the Fiscal Cliff

A study led by Dr Basil Armitage of the National Metaphor Association of America shows that the current rate of what has been termed ‘Political Erosion’ would lead to the complete loss of the Fiscal

Cliff by March 2013. Dr Armitage, who spent many a family holiday at the Fiscal Cliff has welcomed today’s announcement from UNESCO.

doom as you peer over the edge to the uncertainty below. It really gives you the willies. If just stand by doing nothing to pre-

“preserved for fu“It is very welcome, a defi- ture generations to nite step in the right direc- enjoy” tion. However more needs to be done to help prevent what would undoubtedly be an irreparable loss to American culture and history. Everyone who has ever seen the Fiscal Cliff never forgets the breathtaking beauty of it and the unique sense of impending

Fiscal Cliff preserved

vent the disappearance of this man-made wonder, and see the work of some many incompetents go to waste, I for one would not sleep easy at night.”

Abrupt end to YOLO trend after Osborne tweet Estate Burial By Polly Ticks

By Libby Demm

Chancellor George Osborne brought the YOLO craze to a dramatic halt yesterday after he tweeted it. In a dramatic day for the YOLO trend Osborne tweeted “Budget blown at Embargoes #YOLO.”

The age old question of how to dispose of the Iron Lady after her death has finally been resolved, with members on both sides of the House agreeing to an estate burial for the erstwhile Prime Minister.

Young people across the country were suddenly ashamed to be associated with this craze. “If George Osborne lives by the YOLO rule, it must be reserved for upper class twits” said Chippy Kingsley from Darlington. Many people welcomed this with open arms, suggesting that this brought an end to careless student behaviour.

Cen Klarke told us: “The senile old bat probably won’t notice the difference.”

However this could not be said for a all, A. Sangha tweeted of his care free attitude: “Shed the puffer jacket for this loveshack Wednesday #YOLO #noparents.”

Ed Miliband added: “The country needs a government that knows how to cut, when to cut, and Osborne followed with a how to trick old ladies tweet the next morning add- into cheap funerals.” ing “Long cabinet [sic] meeting this morning #hanging.” “probably won’t


Cen Klarke on the arrangements

Comment & Features



OPINION: dichotomies helpful? Overheard at “Yes” “No” Durham It’s quite an obvious answer Arguments don’t boil down when you think about it: Yes. Of course we need Yes/ No debates, it’s a no-brainer. Only an utter moron would not want to listen to both sides of the debate and a format such as this helps to easily and succinctly contrast opposing views. If you don’t agree, you’re just plain stupid. Sitting on the fence is for losers.

to a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer a lot of the time. Often the real answer lies in between. I don’t know why I’m bothering writing this, though. If you disagree you’re a total f****wit. In fact f**** it. Just @*!%& &@*)!* and *!±!§@£ right off home. The whole opposing argument is just... [that’s enough - Ed]

Reviewed: Champ Soc

“Going out to Klute tonight?” “I have a formative due this afternoon – haven’t started it” “I got absolutely binned last night, I had four quaddies” “I’m just off to Tesco, there’s an offer on meat and poultry: two for £4!” “Sausage” Simon Redfearn Simon Redfearn Simon Redfearn

Radio Highlights:

Photo: the many faces of Champ Soc

This edition’s society review focuses on Champagne Soc. Considered by many to be one of Durham’s most diverse student run institutions (see picture above), it was natural for Conundurham to review a society with such similar values to our own. The event at the end of Epiphany was billed as a fundraiser to “raise awareness” for the plight of “poor people and

“it’s the ****** trickle-down” Magnus Ulricksson-Smyth, Chad’s

stuff.” We thought that the heart-warming sentiment was expressed eloquently by one Magnus UlrickssonSmyth, Chad’s: “it’s the ******* trickle-down effect isn’t it? I pour this bubbly down my mouth to stimulate the economy, then some povvy somewhere gets to eat Maccy D’s”. Conundurham recommends the society to those who enjoy grass roots Marxist and Hegelian thought but spurn the ascetic lifestyle associated with it.

TV Highlights CSI Riyadh. This week: Dissident Arab cop Mahoammed Badas has only twenty four hours to stop a woman driving a car...



Standard Steve

Advice from your average middle aged man

Dear Steve, A few days ago I set off for lectures on my bicycle, with my boyfriend at home looking after the dogs. It was only about a

mile along the road and my chain snapped on the bike, so I had to walk back home to get my boyfriend’s help. When I got home I was shocked to find him in bed with my sister. On confronting him he said it was just a one off, but I have since found out that this has been going on for 6 months. Yet he refuses to see that he is wrong, please can you help?

Dear Sally, A broken chain on a bike is usually caused by a lack of upkeep. Remember to oil your chain regularly; I would suggest using WD40 and a toothbrush to get into

all the nooks and crannies. Make sure you store the bike inside, to stop it accumulating rust. With these few tips hopefully you shouldn’t have anything like this problem again, Steve

Hot tips on Durham Fashion

Yours, Sally

Absolute Lifejacket




Torch: seek out any prey prey like shiny things.

dark corner to pass out in.

Chic “muscle tone” look. Black colour: hide from prey in shadows.

Whistle: grab prey’s attention and momentarily confuse her.

clear space on the dance For more details email:



Conundurham Epiphany Term 2013  

The first edition of Conundurham, Durham's Premier Satirical Newspaper.

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