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Shag Never a Scorpio

B. J. Lovegood

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First published in Great Britain in 2023 by Bantam an imprint of Transworld Publishers

Copyright © Oliver Grant 2023 isbn 9781787637115

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Introduction

Since the dawn of time, humanity has turned to the heavens to understand the heart but few could read the signs: Tiberius confused his Pan with his Plough and ended up with Julia the Elder; Nero mistook Polaris for Pyxis and got Sporus castrated; while Kim mixed up Ursa Major with Minor and ended up breaking hearts, not the internet. History is littered with these astrological wrong turns, and it was love that paid the heaviest price.

That was until the end of the fifth century bc, when a cohort of Babylonian astrologers decided to make sense of the heavenly ceiling. They divided the night sky into twelve houses, twelve celestial coordinates that could be used to navigate the ceaseless stirrings of our loins. Since then, these maps have shown us the way: Edwin Hubble spotted his wife’s affair from light years away, while Mystic Meg predicted King Charles’s canoodling with Camilla long before the News of the World got hold of the story. You see, love is written in the stars but we are emotionally illiterate when it comes to reading them.

This is why I have dedicated my life to understanding the twelve planetary profiles – so that you can avoid the pitfalls our ancestors encountered. Armed with my telescope, sundial, binoculars and apps, I have gazed up at the heavens and the stars have revealed themselves to me, showing their fatal flaws, their raging red flags and the hidden gems we so often overlook. After years of first dates and chronic repetitive strain/swiping injury, my research breaks new ground in the world of dating and provides fresh context for your Sunday-night swiping. While love may be blind, you are not. So I implore you to read on, dear reader, read on . . .

B. J. Lovegood

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