9781787637115

Never Shag a Scorpio

From Aries to Pisces, the Complete Astrology Guide to Dating

Shag Never a Scorpio

B. J. Lovegood

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First published in Great Britain in 2023 by Bantam an imprint of Transworld Publishers

Copyright © Oliver Grant 2023

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isbn 9781787637115

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To all those who swipe right ...

Introduction

Since the dawn of time, humanity has turned to the heavens to understand the heart but few could read the signs: Tiberius confused his Pan with his Plough and ended up with Julia the Elder; Nero mistook Polaris for Pyxis and got Sporus castrated; while Kim mixed up Ursa Major with Minor and ended up breaking hearts, not the internet. History is littered with these astrological wrong turns, and it was love that paid the heaviest price.

That was until the end of the fifth century bc, when a cohort of Babylonian astrologers decided to make sense of the heavenly ceiling. They divided the night sky into twelve houses, twelve celestial coordinates that could be used to navigate the ceaseless stirrings of our loins. Since then, these maps have shown us the way: Edwin Hubble spotted his wife’s affair from light years away, while Mystic Meg predicted King Charles’s canoodling with Camilla long before the News of the World got hold of the story. You see, love is written in the stars but we are emotionally illiterate when it comes to reading them.

This is why I have dedicated my life to understanding the twelve planetary profiles – so that you can avoid the pitfalls our ancestors encountered. Armed with my telescope, sundial, binoculars and apps, I have gazed up at the heavens and the stars have revealed themselves to me, showing

their fatal flaws, their raging red flags and the hidden gems we so often overlook. After years of first dates and chronic repetitive strain/swiping injury, my research breaks new ground in the world of dating and provides fresh context for your Sunday-night swiping. While love may be blind, you are not. So I implore you to read on, dear reader, read on . . .

B. J. Lovegood

Aries

ARIES

Aries dates: 21 March – 19 April

Element: Fire

Ruling planet: Mars

Preferred pickup territory: Après-ski

Attracted to: High-speed fibre optic broadband

One-night stand rating: 3/10

Favourite sex position: Doggy

Serial-killer vibes: 8/10

Introduces you to their parents after: 2 seconds

Potential ick-factor: 4/10

Preferred dating platform: Chatroulette

The Aries: Ruled by Mars, the Aries embodies the raw energy of the zodiac – impulsive, instinctive and highly impatient. An Aries is here for a good time, not a long time. If you’re looking for someone to grow old with then perhaps you’re better off checking out your old friend the Cancer. If, however, you’re up for a one-, two- or even three-night stand, then you’re in the right place because Aries wants to get down to business. But not with just anyone.

The Aries’ carpe diem philosophy means they only want the best of the best, because they genuinely believe they deserve it. Like an impatient millennial, they want the finest wines, they want them here and they want them now! You may have guessed already – the Aries is blessed with an ego the size of Saturn. Romantically speaking, this means they’re always punching above their weight. Whether these punches land or not is a different matter. Either way, if you find yourself being hit on by an Aries, don’t duck, take it as a compliment, because an Aries only shoots for the stars that lie way beyond their galaxy.

Living off a cocktail of ambition and adrenaline, the Aries is never one to shy away from a challenge or adventure. This makes them magnetic leaders and after-party seekers. But they have other uses, too.

If you’re just out of a relationship or are feeling a little low on confidence, the Aries is the perfect, no-questionsasked date. They are the ideal rebound; the Samanthas of the zodiac. Their determination to let nothing come between you and them means that an Aries always overlooks the small details. Yes, even your character flaws.