Issue nine | October 15, 2012
3 4 the Tale the proverb 6 the sponsor 7 the voice
Glow Cloud Issue nine
my name is cecil gershwin palmer and i am the voice of night vale’s community radio station. i am neither tall nor short, neither thin nor fat. i am made to be a radio host. ever since i was a child, i have practiced to have this job. there is, in fact, a tape from when i recorded a practice show back when i was fifteen. i have a brother and a mother and a desert bluffs double named kevin, who hosts desert bluff’s terrible radio show. ugh, desert bluffs. almost as bad as steve carlsberg. gosh, listeners (readers?) i really do hate steve carlsberg. that huge jerk. Ugh. but anyway, i have a history with the reeducation standards of the sheriff’s secret police. i have been reeducated many times, even though i think i’m a good night vale citizen. i am wholly and completely in love with perfect carlos, a scientist that came to night vale a little over a year ago to study us citizens of night vale. Carlos has perfect hair. curses telly the barber for once cutting it. carlos is almost entirely perfect, though he sometimes chews a little louder than appreciated. perfect carlos also likes to mow his lawn on lazy days. i also like to report on the weather during my radio shows. night vale weather is always the same: hot and hot and hot again, so instead of really reporting on it, we at the night vale community radio station just play fun music for a few minutes. at the night vale community radio station, we have many interns. rest in peace their souls. i don’t know why, but our interns never stay for a long time. there was dana, but she’s still in the dog park with the hooded figures. also! there’s a cat in the night vale community radio station men’s bathroom named Khoshekh. he likes to float a few feet above the gound, and his growl is the cutest thing i’ve ever heard, besides carlos’s perfect voice, of course. Glow Cloud Issue nine
the voice 3
Welcome to Night Vale. The Sheriff’s Secret Police are asking the public’s help in catching a dangerous fugitive on the loose in the greater Night Vale area. They say he is armed, and should be approached with extreme caution. For everyone’s protection, they are keeping the name and description of the fugitive secret, but indicate that all strangers should be mistrusted and avoided… as well as friends and loved ones, because how well do you know those people, anyway? Are you aware of their location every second of every day? Who among
us does not have secrets? The fugitive is wanted dead or alive and vigilante justice is, as always, highly encouraged.
shrugs, followed by panicked conjectures, and finally, screams and moans, all of which fell uselessly upon the City Council’s merciless ears. Our top story today: The Pyramid has been A large Pyramid has described as “a kind of appeared in the center triangle shape, only threeof the Beatrix Lowman dimensional.” It has made no Memorial Meditation Zone, movement, despite repeated destroying over half of taserings by the Sheriff’s the Zone’s state-of-the-art Secret Police. meditation equipment and Many suspect that this paraphernalia. Experts may be a publicity stunt have been contacted as to pulled by our own local what could cause sudden cereal company, Flaky-Os, Pyramid existence. who are launching their However, as it turns out, new line of nighttime-only there are no experts in cereals next month. Pyramid materialization. An angry mob has formed And the town’s other outside of the cereal factory, experts offered up merely just in case.
THE pyramid Weird at last, weird at last! God almighty, weird at last!
4 The tale
An update on the Pyramid reported on earlier: Glow Cloud Issue nine
Word is in that the Pyramid has spoken. It is broadcasting, on low-wave frequencies, a repeated message. The message is the following: “I will place within some of you questions. Within others, I will place answers. These questions and these answers will not always align. The questions I provide may have no answers, and the answers I provide may have no questions. I will study the effects of these questions, and these answers. Some of you will hurt others, and others will heal. Grow my seeds inside you, and let them flower.” The Flaky-Os marketing department must be complimented for the best use of viral marketing in Night Vale since Stan’s Pawn Shop released a virulent strain of Ebola back in ‘98. And, as a communicator by trade, I applaud their ingenuity. The Sheriff’s Secret Police has responded with surface-to-surface missiles which, they say, will “silence the dark heart of the beast.” So far, they have not so much as created a smudge on the Pyramid’s broad, shiny surface. Home handymen, fix-it vixens, ladies and Glow Cloud Issue nine
gentlemen who love to get their hands dirty, let’s talk about home repair. Certain jobs are fine for the amateur, and certain others should be left to the professionals. Leaky sinks, sticky windows, minor exorcisms, and bleeding doors — all these are the kind of ‘quick fixes’ that a toolbox and a quick search on the internet should allow you to take care of. On the other hand, structural damage, major remodeling, seeping darkness, major exorcisms,
roof boils, and lawn care — these are all the kind of work that should not be attempted by anyone without years of expertise and a valid Hammer License from the City Council. Finding the right professional for the job is easy. Just look at the Yellow Pages. Or head down to the squatter shacks by the edge of the Sand Wastes and ask around among the homeless.
15-inch horn self-check guide Surgeons at Night Vale General Hospital are noting an uptick in dermatological growths related to sun exposure. Doctors describe these growths as “15-inch spiraled horns.” The horns mostly protrude from the lower back or knees. Unchecked, these horns can develop a glistening shine, small leather saddles, and bright red lips on the very tip. So check your skin
at least once a week in the mirror. Dermatologists recommend a three-step process.
1. 2. 3.
Search meticulously for 15-inch horns protruding from your body. Don’t overlook anything. If you find any suspicious growths, mark them with a chalk pentagon. Gently remove the affected skin area with a sterilized razor blade, or similarly clean crafting blade. † † If you are not one of the 53% of our community that was born without pain-sensing nerves, you should first consult your primary care electrolysist for tips on how to numb yourself to the nigh-unbearable pain of existence.
The tale 5
â€œNice bolo tie,â€? is the greatest compliment a person can ever receive.
6 The proverb
Glow Cloud Issue nine
Glow Cloud Issue nine
The sponsor 7
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