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FOREPLAY

Miss China has recently been crowned “Miss World 2007”. You see that kids in China? Dreams really can come true! So stop complaining, keep working in those sweatshops for pennies, make sure my Nike’s fit and don’t ask to use the bathroom again – you went last Tuesday – or I’ll beat you with some bamboo!

Duck! It’s Washington, D.C.!

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MONDAY-FRIDAY

What Talking About The Days Of The Week Really Means.

words by Bobby D. Lux

Your job sucks. I know. I’ve been there. One of the many things I’ve learned while gainfully employed is that the people you work with are the stupidest people walking on the planet. I’m shocked that many of them have the mental prowess to walk upright.You know the best way to tell if your co-workers are the victims of severe head trauma? Listen to the way they talk about the days of the week. Monday “Well, it’s Monday again. Another week.” – No. It’s another day to rape, pillage and fight. Maybe you shouldn’t spend all day in front of a TV drinking lite beer and watching grown men in tights and pads bounce on each other. “This is gonna be a long week..” – That’s only because you care about the stupid company you work for. I never have. I’ve always made sure that I work in places where I get paid the same whether we have customers or not. That way, I can focus on things besides work when I’m at work. “Boy, I need that Monday morning coffee.” – I need a Monday morning 8-ball, but you don’t hear me bitching. If you’re going to have a chemical dependency, make it sexy. If Monday is such a problem for you… quit! Or just go in late. Just make sure that you have a boss you can physically intimidate or comfort with a deep dicking. Tuesday “I’m just glad it’s not Monday.” – Are you still hung up on that day? Does the name of a day have that much control over your life? Wednesday “Halfway through the week..” – Yeah, and? You’re the one who made life choices that forced you into a job you hate. Maybe you should’ve pulled out that night instead of thinking “well, one time won’t kill me.” You’re the one who went to a private school you couldn’t afford, so now you have to work 2 2 SKINNIEMAGAZINE.COM | DEC. 2007

somewhere you hate so that you can pay for learning about what you love. That’s why I pull out EVERY TIME and didn’t bother going to school. Thursday “At least the good reality shows are on tonight.” – Hi, please, take this gun… oh no, I insist. OK, now put the business end in you mouth… that’s right. Now squeeze as hard as you can with your itty-bitty pointy finger… oh, don’t worry, it is loaded… Whew, one less example of the “retard by nurture” argument. Friday “Thank God, it’s Friday.” – I’m sorry, thank who? Look, I’m no religious scholar, but I don’t think the calendar was established by God, no less, to alleviate the stresses of your pitiful office job. You think Job ever uttered that phrase? What about Noah and his boat? The big imaginary man in the sky has better things to worry about besides your job. Get over yourself. “Happy Friday.” – Have you ever noticed that the people who say this are the ones who spend the whole weekend getting thrashed in a futile attempt to make the memories of their horrible job vanish? Then Monday rolls around, and it’s right back to bitching about Monday. Doesn’t sound too happy to me.

The Supreme Court is reviewing the gun ban in our nation’s capital to determine if it’s unconstitutional. Despite the 31year ban, crime is still as high as the moon in D.C., with 81% of the homicides last year being done with firearms.The real problem is deciding who would win if the people of Washington, D.C. fought the people of Detroit, Michigan in a war. Maybe that was the point of the ban, to create the ultimate reality TV show.You know you would watch that. Legendary wrestler and reality-star, Hulk Hogan, has lashed-back at his wife, Linda, after she filed for divorce seeking half of his assets. Hey Hulk, I say give that fattie half of your money. Then give her your famous boot to the face and leg drop. Trust me, it would be worth it.

No Freakin’ Duh

Smiling Hill Farm, a producer of that viscous snot only demented elves drink, egg nog, is being blasted by the FDA and asked to recall nearly 400 gallons of the products from store shelves.Why? Because the bottle doesn’t list egg as an ingredient, even though it’s called egg nog. By the way, braniacs, Chicken McNuggets contain chicken and milk contains milk. Maybe the FDA should enforce an IQ limit of at least 80 to get into a supermarket so people don’t hurt themselves. It has been reported that Lindsay Lohan is “working with 50 Cent”. Working – or – having sex with him? With famous celebrity whores these days, you never can tell.

Porn: Too Dangerous for U.S. Soldiers

General Order 1A is a regulation that forbids U.S. soldiers from owning drug paraphernalia, gambling and porn.The Military Honor and Decency Act of 1996 prohibits military bases from selling porn. So, you can sweat it out in Iraq, duck snipers and suicide bombers with automatic weapons and some grenades but Uncle Sam won’t trust you with a copy of Playboy. Ladies and gentlemen, that’s our government. Happy New Year! Now get me a beer. And your sister. Thanks.

Skinnie Magazine January 2008  
Skinnie Magazine January 2008  

MUSIC • SPORTS • LIFE

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